Should I Write A Letter To The Woman My Husband Cheated With?

By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from women who feel as if they just need to contact the woman who cheated with their husband. Some of these wives want to confront the other woman face to face. They want to try to read her eyes and evaluate her truthfulness. And they feel as if there is no other way to do this except for looking her right in the eyes. Others suspect that a face to face meeting would be too difficult or that it wouldn’t really settle anything. So, they decide that maybe writing the other woman a letter or sending her an email might be viable or preferable option.

And most of the time, I agree that avoiding a face to face confrontation is the way to go. Of all of the people who contact me about this issue, I can only think of a few instances where a face to face meeting with the other woman turned out to be a positive or good thing. You often go into it thinking that having your say or facing her is going to give you closure when in fact, often times, it does the exact opposite. Often it leaves you with more questions because she won’t give you straight answers or she gives answers that are meant to hurt you or to make herself feel and look better.

Things To Think About When You’re Considering Writing A Letter To The Other Woman: While I think that avoiding a personal meeting can be a good idea, you can fall into the same pitfalls with a letter if you are not careful. I absolutely understand wanting to release your feelings. And I encourage you to do that. In fact, I encourage you to write a letter detailing every feeling, question, and frustration that you have for her. But, I don’t always recommend that you mail, email, or give her the letter. Because sometimes, just releasing your feelings will be enough to give you some relief and to help you begin to move on.

If you must actually mail the letter or send the email, think about what you want to accomplish from it. Do you just want to let her know how you feel? Are you hoping she provides some answers for you? Or you trying to corroborate your husband’s story? All of these considerations help dictate the tone and content of the letter.

Additionally, you have to think about what type of response you are hoping for from the other woman. If you’re hoping that she sympathizes with you and agrees to give you answers, then you’ll want to keep a check on your tone. If you hope that she will be sorry and apologetic, then the letter shouldn’t be overly accusatory so that she will be inclined to defend herself and not make apologies or excuses.

One other thing to think about is that once you reach out to or contact her, you are almost giving her the green light to approach you or to enter your life. And much of the time, I don’t really think that this is the best idea. After all, the real goal of moving past an affair is leaving this woman and the relationship very far behind. So be careful that you don’t invite her back in or offer her an open invitation to hang around. Because quite often, she will take any excuse to make you out to be the bad guy or to contact your husband to tell him about or show him the letter.

I understand needing to get answers, but I also know that often, the best place to get those answers is from your husband, especially since she often has no incentive whatsoever to tell you the truth. So if you’re going to open the door by sending her a letter, make sure that you are prepared for what that might bring.

I can’t and won’t tell you that you shouldn’t send the letter if you truly feel deep in your heart that it’s something that you need to do. But I also feel that I need to tell you that it often won’t totally provide you with the answers and the closure that you are hoping for and it might create even larger problems, that you have left a written trial of. That’s why I think it’s great idea to write a letter, as long as you give it a few days before you send it and then read it again and reevaluate. Think about what you are truly hoping the accomplish and ask yourself if the content and tone of the letter is in line with your wishes.

I did write a letter to the other woman, but thankfully, I did not mail it. From the correspondence I get about this, I know that the letter idea so often ends badly. And what I really wanted was to get my life and my marriage back, which I did, without ever needing to reach out to or confront her. If it helps, you can read the whole story about how our marriage recovered after the affair on my blog at

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