The Other Woman Says That My Husband Only Used Her

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who have been contacted by the woman with whom their husband has cheated. Often, this is not a welcome communication. It is often unexpected and, at least some of the time, the wife is tempted to just hang up or walk away to end the conversation. But there can be times when something stops her from doing this. Maybe she just wants to hear what the other woman has to say. Or to hear her side of the story. And once she does, she isn’t sure if she should listen to or believe what the other woman has to say – especially if the other woman insinuates that she was only being used.

An example of the type of comment that I might hear is something like: “the other day, my cell phone rang and I didn’t recognize the number so I picked up. It was the other woman who had been cheating with my husband. The affair is over. And apparently the other woman is not very happy with this. She described my husband as a liar who ultimately only used her. She said that he was all romantic in the beginning and tried to make her feel like she was special and important to him. She admitted that they never talked about where the relationship was going, but she assumed that it was going to be a long term relationship because she says that he was so loving to her. She says that he invested in the relationship and listened to her and bought her gifts. She assumed that things would just continue to go on the same way indefinitely. So, she was shocked when I found out about the affair and my husband chose me over her and ended the affair. My husband told her that they weren’t going to have any additional contact with one another and I believe that she is very frustrated by this. She said my husband only used her for sex and that I should be aware what a jerk he is. I am torn about this. I obviously don’t think his behavior was admirable. No woman wants to feel used. At the same time, I’m glad he’s drawn the line with her. I don’t want her in our lives. How should I even process this? Should I take this conversation into account when I’m considering whether or not I want to save my marriage?”

This is only my opinion, but my answer to this question is – not really. Your concern should be how your husband treats you, not her. First of all, you don’t have any idea if she is telling you the truth. She has her own motivations and her own agenda. Of course she is going to try to paint herself as the innocent party and your husband as the villain. I am sure that he will have his own version of the story (that is in part influenced by his own motivations.) Of course, he wants to save the marriage while the other woman might want to end it. So, both are going to slant what they say because of these objectives.

And, frankly, who cares what she thinks? I know that you don’t want to see anyone hurt. But, right now, your main priority has got to be yourself. Sure, this probably isn’t your husband’s proudest moment. It is not an example of his finest behavior, but an affair never is. Whether he used her or not probably isn’t the biggest issue that you are facing right now. In all honestly, you may have bigger fish to fry. And when you place your concern on her, then you continue to give her a place in your recovery, and this is a place where she has no business being.

It’s probably not a big revelation that your husband didn’t always tell her the complete truth, if what she says is true. By it’s very definition, an affair is not the most honest and upstanding relationship. He has lied to both of you. But your may concern should be the lies that he tells to you. You can’t concern yourself with their relationship. Especially because it is over and should remain so.

It’s very common for the other woman to feel used when all is said and done. Because she’s not getting anything out of the relationship except for memories. When it’s over, she left with the realization that you and your husband will go on and pick up the pieces while she has no pieces to pick up. This can seem very unfair. And honestly, you can’t blame her for being upset.  She has feelings too. But, she had to know that this was a risk when she started a relationship with a married man. Many women assume or hope that the man will one day leave his wife. And when this doesn’t happen, she can be angry at the man, or the wife, but she isn’t always angry at herself.

This dynamic isn’t your fault and it isn’t necessarily your problem. Sure, it’s not fun to hear. But again, who know how truthful she is being. And, an affair brings up unpleasant things on all sides. Right now, your main concern should be how your husband is treating you and if he is telling you the truth. That relationship is in the past, where it should stay.  Frankly, I believe that you should focus on your own healing and leave this aftermath behind as soon as is possible.  Sure, you are your husband will have plenty of hard work to do, but there’s no need to complicate things by allowing her to still be in your life. If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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