What If The Sex Was Better With The Other Woman During The Affair?

I hear from a lot of women who are trying to restore their sex life after their husband’s cheating or having an affair.  One theme that I see coming up time and time again is the wife’s worry that the sex was better with the other woman and the husband comparing the two.

I often hear comments like: “I’m scared that he thinks the sex was better with her. I worry that when he has sex with me, he’s thinking about and wishing it was her.  I worry that he’s only going through the motions and isn’t really into it or turned on.  How can I stop having these thoughts because it’s ruining sex for me and it’s wrecking my self esteem.”

Why You Must Stop Comparing Yourself With The Other Woman When It Comes To Sex:  I know that it’s very normal and tempting to do this, but if you keep thinking about him having sex with the other woman, you keep yourself from really moving forward and you thwart your own efforts to heal and to have your own fulfilling sex life (which you most certainly deserve.)

And frankly, the two relationships are beyond compare.  You have a long term, deep and meaningful relationship that was so solid that he wanted to marry you.  What they had was a fleeting thing based on something that wasn’t real.

Yes, I know that many people will say sex during an affair is particularly exciting or good.  But they usually think this at the time.  Later, when they have some perspective and they look back at their mistaken actions, many eventually change their mind. So making your assumptions based on opinions that may change isn’t the best idea for you.

And, if you allow these thoughts to affect your sex life and intimacy with your husband as you attempt to rebuild your marriage, you really are selling yourself short.  The whole idea is to make your own sex life so fulfilling and exciting that you don’t have to worry that he’s thinking about her because you can see in his eyes and through his responses that he most definitely is not.

What To Do To Stop Yourself From Worrying About Sex With The Other Woman:  Honestly, I know that what I’m asking you to do is very difficult.  It’s normal to worry about how good or exciting sex was with the other person.  And it’s normal to have doubts and insecurities as the result of this.

If you’re feeling this, you should know that you CAN move past this.  The way to do that is restore your own self confidence so that your own sex life becomes so solid that you’re not worried or even thinking about her.  This truly is the way to break out of the trap of always worrying, comparing, and looking back.

Make no apologies for doing what you need to do to rebuild your self esteem.  To the extent that you are comfortable doing so, tweak your appearance.  Get clothes that make you feel good about yourself.  Learn new tricks in the bedroom that make sex good for both of you.  There are many resources for this, but I like this one.  One very important aspect to this whole thing is confidence.  A woman who is confident and enthusiastic is a huge turn on for a man.  But a woman who is so worried that she can’t really be responsive is not.

Now with this said, you don’t need to feel like you have to pretend, put on a performance or be someone else.  If you’re just playing a role, then you and your husband are both going to know this.  It will feel foreign and fake.  You should always keep in line with your own personality and comfort level.  However, stepping outside of your comfort zone in a safe way can make for more exciting and fulfilling sex.  But, if you are truly uncomfortable, you shouldn’t push yourself.

You can resume a healthy sex life after an affair. I won’t tell you that it’s always easy or comfortable.  But thinking about sex that is in the past and involves someone else isn’t healthy either. 

If the affair is over, then allow it to be over.  By continuing to think about like this, you are, in a way, keeping it alive.  And you’re continuing to draw your husband’s attention to it, which is exactly what you don’t want.   One of the best ways to truly move on is to focus on your own marriage and your own sex life – not on someone else’s.

Restoring my own sex life after my husband’s affair was a big hurtle to overcome.  But our sex life now is actually better than it was before.  So much so that I no longer worry that he will cheat again.  If it helps, you can read about how I recovered on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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