How to Let a Woman Know That You Know She Had an Affair With Your Husband

by: Katie Lersch: It’s understandable that you would want to confront the woman that your husband cheated with. You likely want her to know that this deception is over and that you know everything. She needs to know that she will no longer have free reign with your husband. You likely also need to put your presence and your existence into her consciousness. You want her to know that you are a real person with a real life and a real family that she has very negatively and selfishly affected.

It’s also likely that you know who she is. It’s very common for the wife to know the mistress – or at least to be familiar with who she is. Men commonly cheat with coworkers, neighbors, and mutual friends, so your situation is likely one where this woman is not a stranger to you. (And even if she is, you likely still very much want to have your say.)

I’m often asked what is the best way to tell this woman that you know about the affair. Most women intuitively know that this is a situation that can potentially go very very badly. Many women feel very strongly that they need to do this, but somewhere deep in their hearts, they know that doing so can be potentially hurtful. Many are afraid that, should a meeting or confrontation take place, it’s quite possible that the other woman is going to tell you something that you don’t or didn’t know — something that is going to hurt and surprise you even more, something that is going to make you even more furious at your husband, and something that is going to make you feel even worse about your situation.

So, in the following article, I will discuss the least hurtful way to say what you need to say to this woman to get the closure that you need while preserving your own mental health and well-being in the process.

Releasing What You Need To Say To The Woman Who Had An Affair With Your Husband: There are likely many reasons that you want to tell this woman that you know all about her. But, one of the most persuasive is usually that you think that this is going to give you some closure, will make you feel a bit better, and will provide you with some release of tension. And, if you do this correctly, it might offer some of these things.

But, if you do it incorrectly, sometimes, it just makes things feel worse. I can not tell you how many women I hear from who tell me that they wish they had never ever laid eyes on this woman or allowed her even a second of their attention. Often, the meeting hurts rather than heals you and makes you think about this person more rather than less.

It’s very important that you do not allow this to happen. It is hard enough to get over and heal from an affair without allowing this person to have a prominent place in your home, in your mind, and in your doubts, You have to be very protective of yourself right now. I agree that you need to release these feelings and “have your say.” But, you and you alone are in control of how this happens.

Personally, I think that the safest way to go about this is to write her a letter. This way, you have absolute control of how this is going to go. She can’t interrupt you this way or blurt out something hurtful, spiteful, or inappropriate. She can’t turn this back onto you. So, you have much less of a chance of being hurt if you write a letter.

Writing A Letter To Your Husband’s Mistress: You have to be careful here though. You want her to know how you feel and what she’s done, but you don’t want to insinuate that you can’t handle yourself, your husband, or your marriage. You don’t want to paint yourself as a victim or try to elicit her sympathy. You can take care of yourself and you really don’t need her pity.

What you need for her to know is this. You know what she did. You are very well aware of her. And, she needs to stop this behavior and move on to someone else rather than your husband. You don’t want to make threats. You simply want her to know that this deception is up and that she has no place in your life because she is not welcome.

If you say any more than this, you might invite her or inspire her to linger and attempt to prove you wrong. You really do not want to engage with her, give you a place in your life, or let her hang on for longer than necessary. You want this to be your last word on this – once and for all.

Honestly, I’ve had women tell me that once they wrote the letter, they felt the release that they were after and so they chose not to send the letter. They burned it instead. They were just wanting the release and they didn’t want to give this woman any way back into their lives.

Confronting The Woman That Your Husband Had An Affair With Face To Face: I think that this is a pretty bad idea for many. Sometimes women don’t like the letter idea. I’ve had people ask me if emails were a decent way to go about this. I suppose that this can be preferable to a face-to-face meeting for some. But, the problem with this is that now you’ve given her a way to contact you.

What if she keeps sending you nasty or nagging emails? Now, you’ll have more trouble getting rid of her and getting her out of your mind and your life. If you must go the email route, get yourself a one-time-only email address at a place that is not your home. (A public library can work well for this.) Send the email and then never look back. Never go back to that account. Never allow her back into your life or your mind. Again, keep the email to the points you want to make and say no more. Don’t make threats or write anything you wouldn’t feel comfortable with someone else reading.

Many women really feel that they want to look this person in the eye. I do understand this, but so much can go wrong here. If you absolutely must do this, I suggest taking a calming friend who will stay in the car, but who will be there to intervene if things start to go wrong. If voices are raised or things get out of hand, the friend can offer a reasonable voice and can stop the situation when you are not emotionally able to do it. (Never put yourself or anyone else in a dangerous situation – either physically or emotionally.)

Have what you need to say mostly memorized. Say your peace and then turn around and leave. 

I know that this is probably one of many difficult issues right now. Take it one day at a time. Be kind to yourself.  Believe it or not, you can get through this.  You can read more about how I did at https://surviving-the-affair.com/

How to Save Your Marriage After an Affair – 4 Ways to Start Over

by: Katie Lersch: People often ask me if it’s possible “to start over” after one of the spouses in a marriage has had an affair. Understandably, usually one or both of the spouses doubt that things will ever “be the same” or “right” again. They suspect that this betrayal has forever altered (or ruined) the potential of their marriage. Even if these assumptions bring about great sadness or loss, many people assume that there really is no way to make things right again. They assume that the cheating and the affair have introduced such a big obstacle and stressor into the marriage that these things can and will never be fully overcome.

I understand these assumptions because I made them myself. And I certainly can’t and won’t lie. Starting over after an affair is difficult and it takes a lot of hard work. But, it is not at all impossible. I have done it and I know countless people who have been successful at it also. In the following article, I will offer four ways that you and your spouse can begin to start over after an affair.

Make Sure That The Cheating Partner Adequately Expresses His Sorrow And Understanding Of What The Betrayed Spouse Is Going Through Few feelings are as devastating as knowing that your spouse has betrayed you in this way. It’s highly likely that you’re going to feel like the odd person out and that most everyone knew about this except for you. It’s so important that the spouse who cheated completely and truly understands what a huge mistake they have made. It’s perfectly natural for you to want them to “feel your pain.” And it’s equally important that they can do this.

For you to even begin to think about trusting them again, you have to know that they fully understand exactly how devastating their actions were. It’s very important that they continuously and clearly communicate this to you rather than assuming or hoping that you know how sorry they are for their cheating. If there was only one piece of advice that I could give a cheating spouse, it would be to directly and repeatedly approach their spouse to express their sorrow and remorse. I can not tell you how many times I hear people say “he’s not really sorry. He’s just sorry that he’s been caught.” Your spouse must come to believe that you are really and truly sorry – so sorry in fact, that you are not going to do this again.

Don’t Be Afraid To Delve Very Deeply Into Why The Affair Happened So That You Can Fix What Is Not Working: Many people want to “get over” the affair as quickly as possible. They don’t want to dwell on things for one second longer than they might have to. But, if you attempt to brush things off too quickly, you will likely always have flashbacks, fears, and struggles because you did not adequately identify and tackle the problems.

Issues that are not adequately fixed and put behind you have a way of rearing their ugly heads over and over again. This in turn is going to make you doubtful, resentful, and suspicious. It’s not until you understand why this happened and then adequately fix these things do you begin to be able to sincerely move on with a decent amount of confidence.

Support Each Other Individually, But Offer The Reassurance That Is Needed: Many spouses who cheat will begin to become frustrated when their spouse begins to focus on their appearance and self-esteem. Likewise, the spouse who was cheated on might balk at the cheating spouse wanting to try individual counseling. Both people need to understand that two stronger individuals who are happy and confident are going to make for a stronger marriage. Your spouse will most certainly need to restore their self-confidence and self-esteem after they have been betrayed in this way. Do not attempt to make them feel guilty for this. Their feeling good about themselves is only going to benefit you.

It’s also important that the cheating spouse does the self-work needed to work through the issues and doubts that lead to this sort of shortcomings and decision-making. Doing self-work is completely OK, but you also need to understand that your spouse is going to need reassurance that you’re doing this to help your marriage. You need to be patient when your spouse wants you to check in and wants to know where you have been. This sort of “checking up” needs to happen for as long as is necessary.

Work Together To Create A Marriage That Is Better Than The Marriage Before The Affair: In all honestly, the best way to “start over” after an affair, is to commit to creating a better, less vulnerable marriage. This is really the only way to bring something positive out of something so negative. And, once you are both happy, secure, and fulfilled again, then there is really no reason to continue to look back and to live in the past. Yes, it can be a lot of work to get to this new place. But, it can also be very much worth it in the end. I used to be very skeptical of people who said things like “The affair was the best thing that ever happened to our marriage,” but now I know that for people who can create a new and better marriage, this phrase can be true.

I was the cheated-on, not the cheater, in my relationship. So, I know exactly how the “cheated on” spouse feels. But, I also know that healing and moving on is possible. It took much work, but I did recover.  And I am still married.  You can read more on my blog at https://surviving-the-affair.com/

Marriage and Infidelity – Should We Even Stay Married?

By: Katie Lersh: I sometimes speak with spouses who are just about ready to give up on their marriage as a result of infidelity. Many people just can not believe that this is something that they, and their marriage, are ever going to be able to recover from. Every minute of every day, they feel betrayed and there is always something there to remind them and to continue to cause them pain. Some will try their best to soldier on but then will begin to become quite frustrated that they are still angry and still resentful. They will wonder how long recovery from the infidelity is going to take or if it is ever going to happen at all. This is usually about the time when folks will begin to think that moving on is just impossible and will begin to ask questions like “Should we even try to stay married when I just cannot get over this infidelity?” I will discuss this more in the following article.

Don’t Ask Whether You Should Stay Married Or Not Too Soon In The Process: Sometimes, I think that people ask this question before they have had a chance to process all of the different variables and have also had a chance to evaluate any efforts of rehabilitation and healing. I can tell you from experience that how you feel in the initial days and weeks after learning of the infidelity might be very different from how you feel after a year of healing. Sometimes, it is just too soon to tell what the outcome is going to be until you give the process both time, patience, and effort.

Evaluate The Totality Of The Marriage, Not Just This One Event: It might not seem like it right now, but it is possible to recover from this. Marriages make it through this every day. Some even emerge better and stronger when you can work through the problems and safeguard yourself from their return. So, knowing that it is possible to fix this, you will often have to evaluate how good of a marriage or spouse you had before the affair.

Sometimes, you will discover that your shock and hurt are because you never saw this coming. After all, you were genuinely happy and very close to and connected to your spouse. You likely never thought that this was possible because you know that your spouse loved you and was committed to your marriage.

Other times, you will have to admit that this infidelity is just one more thing to add to a long line of betrayals, inequality, and deceptions. I certainly can’t tell you what to do in which situation, but I will say that it’s my opinion that although both of these situations can be overcome, a healthy marriage before infidelity is going to be the easiest marriage to rehabilitate and has the greatest chance of success. That’s not to say that any marriage is hopeless. But the longer the line of unhappiness and deception, the more work that must be done.

Deciding What Kind Of Infidelity And Spouse You Are Dealing With: Sometimes, you are dealing with a person who made a one-time mistake for which they are deeply and eternally sorry. These are the folks who will do whatever they have to do to express to you how sorry they are, will be patient as you are working through this, and will obtain whatever help is necessary to get you both through this. Throwing everything away when you are dealing with this type of person might not be the best call. Because, in this situation, it’s sometimes likely that if you had just committed to waiting and seeing what happened, you would have been pleasantly surprised to see that they were still there, still committed, and rehabilitated enough to be an even better spouse than before.

Other times, you are dealing with someone who has not been a good spouse but who can be rehabilitated with a lot of work, insights, and the changing of habits. At the bottom of the rung, is the spouse who is a serial cheater and who is very unlikely to change without a lot of work and a lot of time.

Ultimately deciding whether to remain married after an affair is a very personal and complex decision that requires weighing many subjective variables. It can help to commit to not making this decision in haste without trying to be as objective as the situation will allow when weighing all factors. Objective help can sometimes make the process easier as can making sure that you’re doing everything that you both can to rehabilitate the situation.

In the end, infidelity does not have to mean the end of the marriage. I have seen countless marriages not only survive but thrive, and I have seen some that ultimately did not make it. I believe that the difference between the two is a combination of commitment, will, and obtaining the proper rehabilitation and healing.

 My marriage made it and that did not happen by accident. I had to play to win and I had to learn new skills and ways of coping.  Ultimately, I am better off for it. You can read more about how I did it at https://surviving-the-affair.com

What Happens To A Marriage When A Husband Cheats Or Has An Affair

By: Katie Lersch: I once spoke with a wife who had found out that very same day that her husband had cheated on her and had an affair. He had confessed this himself and then immediately told her that it was his wish to salvage the marriage. Needless to say, the wife hadn’t had any time to process any of this yet, but she wanted some guidance as to what she might expect going forward.

She asked, in part: “What can I expect in terms of my marriage and myself moving forward? What happens to a marriage after a husband’s affair? Will it ever be the same between us? Can I just look forward to a damaged marriage that is barely hanging on? Am I going to be one of those resentful and bitter wives whose mission in life is to make her husband guilty, miserable, but faithful? It seems like there isn’t a whole lot to look forward to in the days to come. What can I expect? And when does it get better, if it ever does?”

The truth is that what happens to you, your husband, and your marriage after he cheats and has an affair depends on many different factors, and many of these factors are up to both of you. Some marriages go through negative changes and struggle to recover. And some actually improve. Some fall somewhere in between but eventually recover after the people involved have some time and obtain some tools for healing. I will discuss this more in the following article.

The Bad Things That Can Happen To A Marriage After Someone Cheats Or Has An Affair: Most of us know couples where one spouse cheated and the marriage never really recovered. Both people have sort of resigned themselves to a cold marriage that is defined by resentment, suspicion, and pain. And, frankly, this can be a natural reaction to a very challenging situation.

It’s normal for the faithful spouse to wonder if it would be wise to trust their spouse again. It’s understandable to feel anger and even bitterness. It’s just human nature to be suspicious and to put your guard up if someone has hurt you – especially because of infidelity. 

When the faithful spouse has these reactions, then the cheating spouse will sometimes respond with their own brand of frustration – even when they know they were wrong and that this is all their fault.

After all, it’s no fun to know that you are never going to be trusted again and will have to look into your spouse’s doubt-filled eyes and feel their resentment-filled hugs, and dodge their anger for the rest of your life (even when you understand that you deserve it.)

So what you get in marriages like this is that both people are desperately unhappy within the marriage and they don’t see any way out of it. Because there’s no way to undo the affair. It’s done and it isn’t going to change. The only way around it is to change the fallout, which for many marriages, is very difficult. But this isn’t the case for all marriages.

The Good Things (Or Improvements) That Can Happen To A Marriage After Infidelity, Cheating, Or An Affair: Many people assume that only bad changes befall a marriage after someone has been unfaithful. But, this isn’t always the case.

Some marriages actually strengthen after an affair. This often doesn’t happen without a great deal of effort and determination on the part of both spouses, but it does happen quite regularly. Both people have usually seen the damaged marriages that I talked about before and they are committed to making sure that this doesn’t happen to them. 

They just don’t want to live this way. They decide that the only way they are going to stay married is if they can make sure that it’s a happy and healthy one. That’s not to say that the resentment, the issues, or the anger just magically goes away because the couple commits to the marriage. But, this commitment does make the process easier and more likely to be successful.

Because both people are often committed to rebuilding from the ground up rather than just putting a band-aid on the problem and pretending that everything’s fine when it is not. You shouldn’t gloss over the issues and the pain, but you absolutely can work through them. And when you do, you often find that you are closer as a result.

Most people don’t blink an eye when they hear a couple say that stressors in their marriage (like a job loss or an illness) actually brought them closer because they had to pull together and rely on each other. 

Honestly, an affair can be like that. You have to work together, take yourself out of the equation, and go through the process because you don’t want to just let your marriage, your happiness, and your sense of well-being change because of one thing that happened within it. 

As a result, you’ll often find that you no longer take things for granted, that you pay attention and listen more, that you criticize less, and that, despite your doubts, you open your heart. I understand that if you are at the beginning of the recovery process, you might doubt what I’m saying. 

But I assure you that this is true for many couples who are serious about recovery and who seek out the tools to ensure it.

Deciding Which Type Of Marriage You Want After Your Spouse Has Been Unfaithful: Often when I explain this process to people, some of them have doubts. I hear things like “You make it sound so simple, as if you just decide that your marriage will survive the affair and then you make it so.”

It’s really not that simple. It’s not a matter of just making a decision and expecting everything to fall into place. It’s a matter of weighing things carefully, taking some time, then making a decision and following that up with decisive and constant action until that decision becomes your reality.

Yes, the process is difficult and painful sometimes. But frankly, living within a damaged marriage is potentially a lifetime of difficulty and pain. I’d rather take these things for the short term and ensure true recovery so that the pain eventually ends. 

With this said, I know that in some cases, couples conclude that healing from the affair just isn’t going to be possible for them. That’s a valid conclusion as well, but sometimes you don’t know this until enough time and healing attempts have passed to make that call.

I had to go through this process when trying to maintain my own marriage after my husband’s affair.  And yes, perhaps it was my own determination that got us through sometimes.  But our marriage made it, although this was a hard-fought victory.  If it helps, you can read more at https://surviving-the-affair.com.

Coping With His Affair – Tips That May Offer Some Hope

by: Katie Lersch: I sometimes speak with wives who are greatly struggling with learning that their husband has had or is having an affair. They are often shocked, deeply hurt, and feeling quite betrayed. Often, even if they have seen friends and acquaintances going through this, they never thought that this would happen to them and they’re feeling quite vulnerable and devastated, especially in the beginning.

I understand this deeply as I went through it myself. Sometimes, you wonder if you’re going to be able to get through this with your happiness and your self-esteem intact. You wonder if you have it in you to effectively cope with this. And, you wonder if things feel ever feel “right” or reasonably normal again. All of these things can eventually happen. I am living proof of that. Sometimes it just takes work and time, but it can and often does happen. In the following article, I’ll offer some tips and advice on how to effectively cope with his affair, while keeping your own well-being intact.

Accept That The Past Can Not Be Changed. It’s The Present And The Future That Counts: Here’s one thing that you can count on to be absolutely true. You can save yourself a lot of time and agony if you can just wrap your brain around the fact that you can not change what has happened. What is in the past has to remain there. You can’t undo this, no matter how much you might like to.

So, dwelling on this is not going to undo this wrong or turn back the clock. Many of us (myself included) spend a lot of time spinning our wheels going over and over this and lamenting how unfair it all is. It absolutely is unfair. No one can argue that. But what is done is done. It can not change. So your time and energy are always going to be better spent on moving forward and working on fixing what is in front of you right now. This is where your focus should be because placing it in the past is not good and only continues to wound you when nothing can be changed anyway.

Place Your Focus On Yourself, Not On Him, His Affair, Or What You Did Wrong: It may well be your inclination to focus on what he is and was thinking and feeling, and there may be a time for that later, but in the early stages, safeguarding your own well being has got to be priority number one. Worry about yourself and what will make things better for you, and not necessarily better for him.

You are likely hurt, confused, and struggling at times. There is a lot on your plate so you can not worry about what everyone under the sun besides yourself thinks and feels. You have to be your number one priority right now. You have to ask yourself what you need to make things as bearable as they can possibly be. This is not the time to be selfless or to worry that you are being self-centered. You are going to need to be your own most loyal and vigilant ally right now.

And, resist any urge to beat yourself up, blame yourself, or make any rash decisions. None of this was your fault. You did nothing wrong. You can not and should not punish yourself for someone else’s unfortunate decisions and actions. You did not cause this so there is no reason to blame or punish yourself. Although you may not believe me when I say that you might feel very differently with time, this often turns out to be true. That’s why you must take the time that you need and resist making lasting changes or decisions when you are probably not in the emotional state of mind to best do so.

When You Are Ready, Define What You Want And Need To Move Forward: Once you’ve had time to process all of this, take some time to ask yourself what it’s going to take to help you begin to inch forward. For some women, this means that they will need some answers. For some, this means that they want to work with their spouse on the marriage. For others, it might mean that they want to determine why this happened to keep it from happening again. Some will decide they need to be on their own for a while.

What you need is going to vary, but be honest (even with yourself) about what this is. There are no right and wrong answers. And you don’t get any special award or metal if you are a martyr. Remember that this is about you and your healing. You are the only one who is going to know what you need. And if you don’t ask for and demand it, then you may not get it.

When you have decided what you need and want, work tirelessly to get it without apology. As unfair as it is, sometimes it is you who is going to have to provide these things for yourself. You may have to ask or demand that these things happen but never stop short of what you truly want and deserve. Just because someone else acted in a hurtful way, this doesn’t mean that you should let this derail you. Your happiness and well-being are as important as everyone else’s. And honestly, sometimes the self-work that comes after an affair ends up being the most healthy thing that has ever happened to you. Because it forces you to define what is really important and to go after it.

In my own case, I might never have made the positive changes that I ultimately made if I were not forced into this life-altering event. Was it painful and awful? Yes, it was. But ultimately, I used it as a catalyst to bring some positive things out of what was, especially at first, a quite negative and painful event.

I know that dealing with his affair, no matter when it happened, can be very challenging and painful, but clawing your way to recovery is worth it. All of the work I did restored my self-esteem and made it possible for me to trust in my husband and my marriage again.  You can read more on my blog at https://surviving-the-affair.com/

What to Do After He Cheats – Tips and Advice That May Help

by: Katie Lersch: I sometimes speak with wives and girlfriends who have found out that their husband or boyfriend has been cheating and are not at all sure how to handle it or how to proceed. Some common comments are things like: “I can’t envision our relationship ever being the same again. This hurts so much, but I still love him. What do I do now?;” or “I just don’t know what to do now. I’m angry. I’m hurt. I am filled with self-doubt. I want to do something to move myself forward, but I just don’t want to know what.” I’ll share some of the insights from these comments below.

Don’t Take Any Drastic Action While You’re Still Reeling From The Affair: It’s so common to become so upset that you want to do something very drastic and lasting just to feel like you’re doing something. This hurts so much that you want to fix it immediately. 

And, let’s face it. It can feel momentarily good to lash out and make a huge scene or fuss. Sure, this relieves the tension for a short time, but often, you will come to regret these actions and decisions because you weren’t thinking rationally when you made them.

Often we regret these reactions. They don’t paint us in a flattering light and sometimes they are just downright embarrassing. If you need to rage at something or someone, entrust this with a friend. Use your journal. There will be plenty of time to go off on your boyfriend or spouse when you’ve had the time to fully process this. But, give yourself some distance before you do. Your reacting very badly only him more justification for doing what he did. Many women will see this as letting him off the hook. It really isn’t. You will have your say, but wait until it’s really you talking and not just your gut reaction.

Evaluate Why This Cheating Happened: It’s important that you understand exactly why the affair happened for many reasons. And, if any good comes out of this, it will likely be a better understanding of yourself and how you function in relationships. 

This cheating is not your fault, no matter what the state of the relationship was. Your spouse or boyfriend had many other available options. They chose to cheat instead. Do not beat yourself up for this decision on their part.

With that said though, take a look at any part that you may have had in this, even a small part. I’m not telling you to do this to blame yourself. I’m telling you to do this because any information that allows you to improve, grow, and work on your own self-knowledge and self-confidence is a gift – no matter how you got it. 

Whether you want to save your relationship or not, one day you will have to allow yourself to be vulnerable and trust again. This will be easier if you know why this happened so that you can prevent it from happening again.

Deciding Whether You’re Better Off With Him Or Without Him: Eventually, you will need to evaluate whether you want to cut your losses or want to rehabilitate your relationship with him. This often requires you to look past the hurt and rage and to evaluate his behaviors and actions before the affair. 

Because there was a life before the cheating, and either you were happy with it at one time or you weren’t. Many times, we have a whole lot of history with this person and they do have many redeeming qualities, but we allow one act and one mistake to erase all of that. 

Again, I’m not excusing the cheating. I have felt the hurt of being cheated on and I would never excuse this. But, I also know that to move on, you need to separate the act from the man. You need to be able to think about whether he was good to you and for you before the cheating happened.

Sometimes, doing this will show you that he’s never been that great for you and has pretty much always caused you pain and self-doubt. Other times, this will help you see that he’s been your rock and your partner until this one event. 

Only you can determine if it’s worth hanging on and trying to work this out. But, I can tell you that people who can move on can separate previous history from one event.

Be “Selfish” And Focus On Yourself And What Makes You Happy: Many times, women make the period after the affair one that I call “all about him.” They want to know why he did this, how he feels right now, what he’s doing, and what’s wrong with you that caused him to do this. 

I understand why these questions seem important. But, it’s better to place your focus on yourself. Because, until you’re OK with yourself, it really doesn’t matter very much what your husband says. You’re not going to believe him anyway. He can tell you that he will never do this again because he’s committed to and loves you. 

He can reassure you that he still finds you beautiful and sexy and wants to be with you, but if you’re still filled with anger, unhappiness, and self-doubt, you’re not hearing a word he says and you continue to walk around dragging the anger and hurt behind you.

To move past this, you must create your own happiness and you must know that you can handle another’s shortcomings because, at the end of the day, you’re all you really have and all you really need. 

You can get by just fine on your own, but you choose to be with him or not because it suits you and because it’s what you want. You have to understand that you deserve and want the very best for yourself. You deserve nothing less than this. Only you can decide if your husband or boyfriend fits this bill. 

But your mind and your heart should be in a good place when you make this decision. It won’t be in this place if you’re not in a good place with yourself.

Restoring my self-esteem and self-worth after my husband’s affair took work, but it was so worth it. I now understand myself, my husband, our marriage, and our intimacy on a much deeper level so some of this actually benefited me. And I am a much stronger, more confident person as a result. You can read more on my blog at https://surviving-the-affair.com

 

How Do Most Men Feel About The Woman They Had An Affair With After The Affair Is Over?

by: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who spend a great deal of time worrying about the woman that their husband had an affair with.  It’s not at all uncommon to develop a sort of unhealthy obsession with her.  And, while we’re developing this preoccupation with her, we often assume that our husbands are still doing the same.  We worry that even if the affair is over, he still thinks about her or even still pines for her.

I recently heard from a wife who expressed these concerns by saying: “I’m afraid that my husband is still thinking about or longing for the woman that he cheated and had an affair with.  I believe that he’s stopped all contact with her.  I also believe that he’ll make good on his promise to try to save our marriage.  He’s doing all of the external things right, but I worry about the internal things.  I worry about his feelings because neither one of us can control those.  I worry that he still has very intense and strong feelings for her, that he misses her, and that I will never be able to compete with this.  He says my concerns are blown out of proportion and that I’m creating problems where they just don’t exist.  But what happens when she’s in his life one day and gone the next?   There was no closure.  He broke it off abruptly as soon as I found out.  So how can he just turn off his feelings like that?” I’ll try to discuss these concerns in the following article.

Men’s Feelings About The Other Woman Vary After The Affair Depending On Many Factors: The feelings that a man might have about the other woman will often depend on the circumstances surrounding the affair and will be influenced by how long the affair has been over.  Although some men who visit or contact me through my infidelity blog will admit to still thinking about or having feelings for the other woman, many deny this.  Most often, men will recount how they look back now and see how mistaken they were.   They’ll say how things feel so differently (and are so much more clear) today.  Many are ashamed or embarrassed about their actions and these negative feelings of shame can affect or counter any positive feelings that they might have thought they had toward her.

Also, many look back on the affair and realize what a high personal and emotional cost they paid for it.  This too can pretty much temper any feelings that they might otherwise have had.  Many will also tell you that the other woman manipulated them or portrayed herself as someone who she was not and that they are able to see her as she truly was as they look back now.

That’s not to say that some men don’t have positive memories or perceptions of the other woman.  Some will still tell you that she was a decent person who was there for him at a time in his life when was struggling, but this is very different than still feeling emotional feelings toward her or wanting to be with her after the relationship is over.  Many (but not all) husbands will tell you as soon as it’s clear that they might actually lose their wife or their family over this woman, the feelings will often fade quite quickly because he’s very clear on the fact that she is just not worth losing everything over.

I’d like to make one more point.  When many wives wonder about their husband’s feelings after the affair, their point of reference is themselves.  What I mean by this is that we often look at it from our own point of view.  We often wonder how we could be so completely involved with someone that we were willing to lie or cheat to maintain that relationship only to have that person gone from our lives seemingly overnight and with no closure.

But what we don’t realize is that a man often doesn’t approach this in an emotional way in the same way that a woman would.  That’s not to say that affairs are only physical because studies and statistics show this not to be the case.  Men do cheat for emotional and psychological reasons, but in my experience, observation, and opinion, these emotions have much more to do with them than they do with the woman who they cheated with.

What I mean is that they are often more motivated by how the other woman makes him feel about himself than how he feels about her.  He’s attracted to the fact that he feels desired, special, or validated.  But, most men will admit that, other than the fact that she listened to and seemed to appreciate him, there was nothing particularly special about her other than the fact that she was available at a vulnerable time.  The longer that the affair has been over, the more likely it is that the husband will have these sorts of feelings and can now see the affair (and the other woman) much more accurately and clearly.

Understand That You Don’t Have To (And Shouldn’t) Compete With Her.  Your Best Bet Is Placing Your Focus On Rebuilding Rather Than On Looking Back: I completely understood the wife’s preoccupation with the other woman.  Because we worry that any feelings or hang-ups he has about her are going to impede or affect our ability to save our marriage.  But often we would be much better off if we could focus on ourselves and our marriages.

Often, our preoccupation and worries about her only serve to continue to allow her into our lives even when physically, she is no longer there. This delays our progress and places our focus and our worries on a place and person who should be the least of our concerns.  Because when you can successfully rebuild your life, your self-confidence, and your marriage, you’ll find that you no longer have to worry about how your husband feels about her because you will know without any doubt where his loyalties, his feelings, and his priorities lie by the way that you are both fully present in your marriage.

I know that even contemplating this woman is painful and difficult, but make sure that you don’t give her more power than she deserves. When you turn your focus toward yourself, healing is often closer than you may think. It took a lot of work and patience, but today my marriage is actually stronger than it ever was before. I also did a lot of work on myself and am happier as the result.  I no longer worry about my husband cheating again, If it helps, read my story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/.

How And Why Do Affairs Usually End?

by: katie lersch: I often have two different sets of people asking me this question.  Sometimes, people whose spouses are having an affair want to know why and how affairs end so that they can attempt to make the affair end sooner.  Other times, I hear from the people involved in the affair.  They don’t want it to end so they are looking for common pitfalls in the hopes that they can avoid them.  Much of the time, one party is hoping that the affair ends (and is looking for a way to help this process happen more quickly)  while the other is hoping that it never ends.  In the following article, I’ll tell you some of the most common reasons that I see affairs end.

The Affair Will Commonly Fizzle Out As The “Newness” And Excitement Wears Off: There’s no question that, to many,  part of the appeal of the affair is the fact that it’s taboo and forbidden.  There can be an excitement that comes with a new and secret relationship.  But as the early days give way to old ones, this sense of newness quickly wears off and gives way to the familiar.  And when this happens, a lot of that excitement goes with it.  When this happens, the affair/relationship will often just die a natural death or fizzle out.  Because it’s often not real or genuine feelings and emotions that are holding these two together. It’s a facade that fades.

Sometimes, The Guilt Becomes So Overwhelming That One Party Chooses To End The Affair: It’s also not uncommon for one person to end the affair out of guilt.  There’s a stereotype that people who have affairs are unfeeling and don’t care about their spouse anymore.  This isn’t always the case.  Many do feel guilt and some even end the affair because of those same guilt feelings.  Although the person on the other side of the affair will often hope or think that the person who they are cheating with has distanced himself from his family or is no longer as invested as he once was, this sometimes proves to be not the case.

Sometimes The Faithful Spouse Finds Out About The Affair And A Choice Must Be Made: It’s not at all uncommon for the faithful spouse to learn about the affair (and sometimes the unfaithful spouse will confess to this themselves.)  When this happens, the faithful spouse will often issue an ultimatum and demand that a choice is made.  And it’s not at all uncommon for the cheating spouse to end the affair in a response to that ultimatum because they decide that their spouse is more important to them than the other person.

An Affair Can End Because One Or Both People Involved In It Realize That The Relationship Just Isn’t Working Anymore Or Was Built Upon Misconceptions: It’s also not uncommon for one or both people in the relationship to evaluate it and decide that it isn’t working anymore or just isn’t what they thought or hoped it would be.  Often, in the beginning, they can build the other person up to be something who he or she is not.  After all, if you’re going to risk your marriage and your family to participate in infidelity, that other person must be awful special.  But, after a while, it becomes easier to see them for who they really are or aren’t.  And when this happens, you can realize that the other person (or the relationship) just isn’t worth the risk or the personal costs.

When Reality Sets In, The Rose Colored Glasses Can Come Off: At the beginning of an affair, both people are usually on their best behavior and are working very hard to make each encounter exciting and memorable.  Usually at least one person is investing a lot into the relationship.  But this can only last or be maintained for so long.  Eventually, she might see or have to pick up his dirty socks.   Her lack of character might start to annoy him and the list goes on and on.  The point is, eventually, the relationship behind the affair becomes like any other relationship – warts and all.  And it can become fairly obvious that if the affair is going to have all of the usual problems of a marriage or other long-term relationship, then what’s the point?

The End To An Affair Can Come Very Abruptly Or Quite Gradually: Sometimes when people think of an affair ending, they picture a very dramatic breakdown.  I’ve had people tell me that they sat on the phone while their spouse called the other person and instantly ended the affair.  I’ve heard of nasty face to face confrontations and threats to never ever have any contact again.  But an affair doesn’t always end with a bang.  It can also end with a gradual whimper where one person quietly breaks it off or the interactions or meetings just become less and less frequent until they eventually end altogether.

No matter how and why affairs end, most do end eventually.  Statistics show that very few relationships that start as an affair end up in marriage – much less a marriage that actually lasts.  There’s an exception to every rule, of course.  But for the most part, an affair does not have a high chance of working out or ending well.  That’s why it can be advisable to never start one in the first place.

Surviving The Affair is a blog I put together to share my story in the hopes that it helps someone else. I know that this is a very difficult time, and that forgiveness can be elusive, but working through it can truly be worth the effort. Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, better times were ahead. My marriage eventually recovered and is stronger than ever. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and because of all the work I did on myself, my self-esteem remained intact. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read that very personal story at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

I Want My Husband to Write Me a Letter After His Affair

by: Katie Lersch: I recently spoke with a wife who was struggling with her husband’s recent affair. He claimed that this was the first time he had ever cheated, and it would be his last. He promised that he would do whatever was necessary to restore his wife’s trust one day and vowed to prove to her that he could be a good husband and that they would be happy again.

Deep in her heart, the wife wanted to believe this. She did not want to lose this life that she had loved. But, she had to admit to him and to herself that she was struggling. She and her husband had talked about this issue to death. He was trying to offer patience and reassurance, but it just felt false. Their conversations always ended with her crying or the husband being frustrated at what he had done and how much he had messed up.

The wife really wanted her husband to pour out his heart and thoughts to her in a letter. She wanted this because she felt that if he could gather his thoughts without him looking right at her, he might say more meaningful things and speak from his heart. She also liked the idea that when she had fears or doubts, she could pull out the letter for reassurance when she needed to. She was also interested to see what her husband might say.

However, when she began to broach this with her husband, he was somewhat resistant. He did not understand why he needed to do this when he was standing right in front of her and constantly trying to tell her how he felt. The wife wanted to know how to get him to see that this wasn’t too much to ask and was necessary. Here’s my take:

Making Him Understand Why You Want Him To Write You An Apology Letter After His Affair: It was important that the wife make it clear that when the husband said he was willing to do “anything” to prove his sorrow to and commitment toward her, there was no reason that this “anything” did not include an apology letter.

With that said though, it might also be helpful for the wife to understand where the husband was coming from also. I don’t know many men who are entirely comfortable with writing an emotional letter – even during the best of times. 

Sure, some men will write letters in the very beginning stages when you are getting to know one another, but letter writing is most certainly something that women seem to embrace more than men, who would usually much rather just tell you or show you how they feel.

It was quite possible that the husband’s resistance did not indicate that he didn’t want to share his feelings with his wife or to offer her a sincere apology. It was just likely that writing it out would not be his first choice as to how to convey this.

But, that doesn’t mean that this was an impossible situation. I felt that it could help if the wife could explain why she wanted and needed this on paper. She wasn’t trying to punish her husband. She didn’t expect him to write a Shakespearean play. She wasn’t going to grade it with a red pen. 

She wanted to be able to hear his voice via the written word without interruptions and without both of their emotions pouring out. She wanted to be able to take this out and reread it any time she needed support. She should tell the husband these things of course, and to really stress the reassurance that she was not going to critique the letter harshly. 

And she should convey that his making this effort even when it made him uncomfortable was going to go a long way toward showing her that he was sincere when he promised that he would do whatever was necessary to help her get past this.

There’s nothing wrong will spelling out for him that this letter is part of what is necessary. Explain that you aren’t doing this to punish or embarrass. You are doing this because you feel that you need it as part of your recovery, and you are asking for it because you are confident that he truly does want to help you and give you what you need.

I know that asking for what you need after his affair is very difficult. But, I also know that healing and moving on are possible. I know because I did it – even though the affair brought me to my knees initially. Still, I’m still married today and I am no longer the walking wounded.  I worked hard on my self-esteem so I don’t always worry about it happening again. You can read more on my blog at https://surviving-the-affair.com/

 

I Want To Save Our Marriage After His Affair But He Doesn’t Know Who Or What He Wants

by: Katie Lersch: I recently heard from a wife who felt like her marriage and her life was falling apart. A few weeks ago, her husband had come home and confessed that he had been having an affair with a coworker. He insisted that he was sorry and did not want to lose his family. The wife agreed that, although she was devastated, she didn’t want a divorce. After thinking about it for a while, she told her husband that she had decided that she wanted to work with him to save the marriage. Imagine her shock and disappointment when the husband told her that he needed “time and space” to decide where he wanted to go from here.

When the wife pressed him, he finally told her: “I’m just confused as to how I feel. I don’t want to lose my family and I never stopped loving you. But, I have real feelings for her too. I don’t know what’s wrong with me because I just don’t know what or who I want.”

The wife was so frustrated and furious. Here she opened her heart and agreed to work things out with him even though he had cheated on her and had risked their family. But that wasn’t good enough because now the husband didn’t know if he could let the other woman go. The wife asked me what she should do in this impossible situation. I’ve seen situations such as this playing out countless times. I’ll share my opinion with you in the following article.

Allowing Your Husband To Have Relationships With You And Someone Else Will Likely Negatively Affect His Perception Of You: The wife was afraid to tell the husband that he had to choose between her and the other woman. Of course, she was scared to death that the husband would choose the other woman rather than choosing her. But, what she failed to consider was that if she allowed this love triangle to go on, she was pretty much conceding that she wasn’t valuable enough to have a committed husband.

If she didn’t assert that she would not be anyone else’s backup, then it was possible that the husband would see her as “less than” someone else. This was precisely what she did not want to happen, but she was afraid of giving her husband an ultimatum. I suggested a compromise. The wife might say something like: “I can’t force you to make what I think is the right decision for our family. But, what I can tell you is that I can’t maintain an active intimate relationship with you when there is another woman in the picture. That’s not fair to any of the people involved and it is disrespectful to me. If you get to the point where you decide that you are committed enough to our marriage and our family that you are ready to completely end things with her, then you and I can discuss this further. Until then, it seems like what you really need to focus on is your own priorities while I will be focusing on our family.”

This wasn’t overly cruel or mean. The wife was merely going to be stating her position and asking for a little respect. And I have to tell you that if a man has access to both women, then there is really no incentive for him to make a choice or to be in any hurry to do so. As a result, he continues to be confused and unsure as to what to do. But, when it becomes very clear to him that he could well lose his family as the result of his indecision, then he will usually make a decision much more quickly because there is more at stake.

Restoring Your Self-Esteem And Your Self-Worth For Your Sake As Well As For His: I knew from first-hand experience that the wife was likely hurting very much. It was also likely that she was doubting herself and wondering where she went wrong. This is understandable, but it’s so important that you don’t dwell in this place. More than any other time, you need to be able to portray self-respect and confidence. You need to be able to define and then ask for what you want. Your husband isn’t going to respect you if you don’t respect yourself.

So, you must use this time to restore your self-esteem, reassure yourself that someone else’s actions are in no way your fault, and be very kind to yourself. Surround yourself with supportive people who love you rather than judgmental folks who bring you down. Almost overwhelmingly, I see that the wives whose husbands came back did not present themselves as second-class citizens who just could not live without him. They made it very clear that although they didn’t want to lose their family, they knew that they deserved a committed and faithful husband and were not going to accept anything less.

Sure, this situation was going to require work and time. No one is denying that. But, there is no way to put in this time and effort when the husband isn’t sure which woman he wants a relationship with. Until he decides this, you are usually better off conducting yourself with grace and self-respect. This will put you in a much better position when he wakes up and comes to his senses.

There was a time when I thought I would never get over my husband’s affair and that we could never save our marriage. I truly had to learn to be assertive, set boundaries, and ask for what I want. Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, my marriage survived It took a lot of work, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self-esteem is intact.  You can read more on my blog at https://surviving-the-affair.com/