Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Many of us define our reaction to cheating before it ever happens to us. We tell ourselves (and our husband) that if he ever cheats, we are leaving. We claim that we will be out the door so fast his head will spin. However, when cheating becomes a reality, we stay put. This is confusing. Didn’t we proclaim that we would leave? Why aren’t we doing so?

Someone might say, “I have always told my husband that if he cheats, I’m gone. Well, he did cheat. And I’m still here. I don’t understand why. I told him that I was going to leave and he begged me not to. I asked him why he would stay when he betrayed me. He said that we owe it to ourselves to try to work it out. So here I am. I have left for a few days and stayed at a hotel or with friends. And yet, I always come back. Then I mope around and I punish my husband with my attitude. But I am here. I know that I should not be here. I have even looked at apartments, but the idea of leaving my home is very depressing. I have looked up attorneys to pursue a divorce. But I have not called. My husband keeps begging me to listen to his plan for healing. But I don’t listen. I can’t seem to process what he is saying. I don’t necessarily believe him because he lied to me about the affair. At the same time, I make no move to cut my losses. I do not understand why. My best friend said that maybe I am afraid to be on my own, but I do not know if this is the case. Why would I be so afraid to leave him after the affair?”

I’m not sure that you are experiencing solely fear. As someone who has been through this, there are many contributing factors to this indecision. Below, I will list some possibilities.

It’s Not As Cut And Dry As It Once Seemed. I had the same experience as this wife. I also told my husband that I would leave at the first sign of cheating. However, when my husband of many years had an affair, the outcome didn’t look as clear as I’d assumed. I had set up a home with this man. I had created a family with this man. We had children to consider. So it was not going to be just me that was affected by my choices. And it was not as simple as one person walking out the door.

Another consideration was that although the affair was a horrible action, my husband had a lifetime of loving actions that I could not ignore. I could not pretend that he’d been a horrible husband or that our marriage had been an unhappy one. Neither was true. So I was dealing with many contradictions. Sorting that out was not going to be immediate. I owed it to my family to carefully consider my reaction. So I gave myself time and refused to make an immediate decision. This didn’t mean that I shut down any chance that I would eventually divorce. I just vowed to delay that decision until I could make it calmly.

An Affair Is Shocking Enough WIthout Upending Your Life. This wife mentioned that she was having trouble processing all of her conflicting emotions. This is normal. After a husband’s affair, you are juggling many potential realities. You are struggling to determine the truth. You are struggling to pinpoint what you might have missed. And you’re attempting to determine where you stand today. Navigating any one of these issues would be a monumental task. But juggling them all at once can feel quite overwhelming. It’s no wonder that you feel ill-prepared to take the life-changing action of moving out.

You Can’t Just Disengage With Your Feelings And From Your Investment. You’ve likely invested much time, effort, and emotions in your marriage. When your marriage takes a damaging blow, it can be difficult to just walk away. This is true even when your spouse is at fault. One day you love your husband and are invested in your marriage and the next day, you’re just supposed to walk away? As many of us learn, it doesn’t work this way. You can not turn off your feelings within the course of a few days or weeks.

You Know You Haven’t Tried Redeeming Work. I can’t speak for anyone else, but I knew that I wasn’t going to be able to walk away until I at least heard what my husband had to say. Afterward, I knew that I had to at least try counseling or anything else that might help us. I was torn about this. Part of me knew that none of this was my fault. I knew that it was unfair that I had to take the responsibility of attending counseling when I hadn’t cheated. At the same time, I still had a responsibility to my children. I was still part of the family that I might dismantle if I walked away. So I felt a huge responsibility to carefully consider all of my options. Some of those options included counseling or trying to save the marriage.

I personally felt that I had to earn my way out. I felt that I needed to know I’d done everything possible to see if anything was salvageable. If I tried and it didn’t work, well, at least I’d know that I tried.

That’s not to say that walking away immediately isn’t a valid decision. It is. I just couldn’t do it for myself. You may be experiencing the same thing right now. I wish you luck. Moving out or ending your marriage are serious decisions. Do not beat yourself up if you want to take your time in making these hard decisions. I personally think it is better to be gradual and deliberate than to make a quick decision that you may later regret. You can make a life decision at any time. I find that I make better decisions when I am calm and have time to weigh every option. That often takes some time in the aftermath of an affair. It took me longer than I originally thought, but I am glad I didn’t rush to a decision.  I’m also glad that I remained married.  I am much happier married now than I would have been on my own.  You can read the whole story here: http://surviving-the-affair.com

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