Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

by: Katie Lersch: Often, when I begin to tell people what I learned about my husband’s affair, I get knowing glances, or people will even interrupt and say things like “I know, you learned that you can’t trust men,” or “you know that if you trust someone you will always be hurt,” or “you learned that men just can’t remain monogamous to one woman.” There was a time early in the process when I would’ve told you that things were correct. However, with the luxury of time, distance, and introspection, what I’ve learned is actually quite different from this. I actually learned more about myself than I learned about my husband. And, believe it or not, this self-knowledge has been extremely beneficial to me. I’ll explain this more in the following article.

I refuse to take the blame for my husband’s affair. I will never concede that his cheating was nothing but his own weakness, lack of judgment, need for instant gratification, and lack of impulse control. However, I also believe that there were many places where I left the marriage vulnerable, where he asked for more but I didn’t give it, where he was asking for more connectedness, and more of a time and emotional commitment but I used the excuse of the kids, my own deadlines or goals, and the fact that we had a long history and “were comfortable” not to keep growing and becoming closer.

Once I learned about the affair, I read book fulls about the negative self-talk that I’ve always allowed in my head. Of course, I immediately blamed myself and told myself that I was very stupid for missing the signs, that I was very naive for allowing my husband such a long leash, and that I was a middle-aged undesirable woman who could never keep a man. I went on like this for a long time until I finally became so sick of hearing these thoughts. It took me way too long to realize that I really always had these worries, fears, and insecurities. I had always worried that I wasn’t good enough for any desirable, successful man and that, if enough time went by, my flaws were going to show. Whether these insecurities had anything to do with my husband’s affair, I’ll never know. But I do know that these thoughts were affecting how I saw myself – and they had to stop.

I also had to admit to myself that I had been living vicariously through my family. Yes, being a stay-at-home mother is the most important job in the world. But, I always felt like a second-class citizen in my marriage. I always felt like my husband should make the decisions, that I was just the support system, the organizer, the assistant if you will. After a while, I got sick of these thoughts too.

One day, I woke up and decided that no matter if my marriage survived or not, I was going to have to stop with the negative worldview. I made a list of things that I wanted to change about myself FOR ME (not for him.) I knew that I never wanted to be dependent on a man emotionally and financially again. I knew that I wanted to respect myself. So, I decided to go back to school and he supported me in this. 

I knew that I didn’t want to feel insecure about my appearance or my ability to keep a man. So, I addressed this. I lost weight. I got a makeover. I learned how to dress to play up my assets without trying too hard or spending too much money. I learned better give and take with conversation and with intimacy. I worked tirelessly to restore my self-esteem. Sure, sometimes the little voice in my head would whisper “Just who do you think you are?” But, I would try to calm myself and answer “I’m really all I’ve got and I’m going to create the best ‘me’ that I can.”

Honestly, initially, I didn’t know if this version of myself was going to be for my husband or for another man down the road if I decided to end the marriage. But a funny thing happened. Once I began to become more confident in myself, the more I realized that my husband was perhaps not lying when he complimented me and insisted that he would do whatever was necessary to prove to me that he wanted to save our marriage. I knew now that we were on a level playing field and that I could make decisions based on my own needs without worrying if I could survive without him.

In the end, all of the memories shared history, and closeness won out over the one horrid act. But I honestly don’t think this would’ve happened if I didn’t learn more about myself. I needed to learn that I could handle anything that came my way. What I learned about my husband’s affair had very little to do with fidelity and a whole lot to do about myself, what I would demand in my marriage from here on out, and how I was going to be an equal partner in getting it.

Restoring my self-esteem and self-worth after my husband’s affair took work, but it was so worth it. I now understand myself, my husband, our marriage, and our intimacy on a much deeper level. You can read that story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com