Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch

I once heard from a wife who’s still raw from the shock of her husband’s affair. Her voice cracked when she told me:

“My husband cheated on me for a couple of months last year. I just found out. He swears he never stopped loving me—even while it was happening. He says he still loves me. I want to believe him. But I honestly don’t know how. How can I tell if that’s true?”

This question? It’s heartbreakingly common. And it’s not simple. If you’ve been cheated on, you already know how disorienting it is. One minute you’re trying to get through the day. The next minute your brain is spinning with things like:

Was any of it real?
If he really loved me, how could he have done this?
Can someone love you and still betray you like that?

Let’s talk about it because you’re not alone, and there are signs to look for.

Cheating Doesn’t Always Mean He Stopped Loving You: I know that sounds like a contradiction. And believe me, I’m not trying to sugarcoat it. I lived it. It hurts like hell. But sometimes, cheating isn’t actually about you at all.

I used to assume that infidelity automatically meant the love was gone. That if my husband stepped out of our marriage, it meant I wasn’t enough or he didn’t care anymore.
But after talking to countless men—and women—who’ve cheated, I can tell you: love doesn’t just flip off like a light switch. That’s not usually what’s happening.

In fact, a lot of men will look you straight in the eye and say, “I never stopped loving her. Not for a second.” And sometimes, you’ll want to scream. Because that just doesn’t make sense to your hurting heart.

But when you dig a little deeper, you’ll often hear about midlife crises, personal insecurities, childhood wounds, feeling invisible, fear of aging, or a desperate need to feel validated. It’s not a free pass. It’s not an excuse.
But it’s also not always a reflection of how they feel about you.

That doesn’t make it hurt less. But it does mean there may be more going on than just a lack of love.

Actions Speak Louder Than “I’m Sorry”: A lot of women tell me, “How can I believe anything he says? He lied so easily before.” And I get that.
Words start to feel cheap after an affair. And honestly? They kind of are. What really matters now is what he does. What he shows you. How he shows up.

So let’s look at a few signs that might tell you he still loves you, even after breaking your heart.

1. He’s Genuinely Remorseful (Even If He’s Bad At Showing It): This one’s tricky, because not everyone expresses guilt the same way. Some men cry. Some apologize nonstop. Others shut down and sulk like they’re being punished.

But even if he’s not great with words, watch his energy. Is he withdrawn, quiet, ashamed? Does he seem like he’s walking on eggshells around you? Does he flinch when you bring up the affair, but still stay in the room? These are signs. Not perfect ones, but signs.

Remorse doesn’t always look like a Hallmark movie. Sometimes, it looks like slumped shoulders and a man trying – awkwardly, clumsily – not to mess things up again.

2. He Asks What You Need (Or Tries To Guess When He’s Scared To Ask): If your husband is still invested in you, he’s probably doing something to feel you out—even if it’s a little clumsy or inconsistent.

He might ask what he can do. He might offer more hugs, more check-ins, more affection—even if it feels forced.

He may even hesitate, because deep down he’s afraid the last thing you want is his hands on you. And sometimes, that’s true. Especially early on.

But the key is effort. He doesn’t need to be completely perfect. He needs to be trying. He needs to care that you’re hurting, and be willing to sit in that discomfort with you.

3. He’s Still There:  This is big. After I found out about my husband’s affair, I was – how do I say this nicely? – a total nightmare.
I was cold. Then clingy. Then furious. Then distant. Then sobbing. All in one afternoon.

I said awful things. Pushed him away. Tested him. Picked fights. And he stayed. Not because he enjoyed being yelled at or rejected. But because he didn’t want to lose our marriage. Because he loved me enough to ride it out, even when I gave him every excuse not to.

If your husband is still showing up? Still facing the hard conversations? Still sticking it out even when it’s messy and emotional and exhausting? That’s love. It may not be the romantic, sweeping kind you used to believe in. But it’s the real kind. The kind that tries.

If You’re Not Seeing These Signs, That Doesn’t Mean It’s Over: Let me say this clearly: If he’s not doing these things yet, that doesn’t automatically mean he doesn’t love you. It could mean he doesn’t know how to love you the way you need right now.

It could mean he’s terrified. It could mean he’s shut down. It could mean you need to tell him – plainly, directly – what you need from him to begin healing.

Men aren’t mind readers. (Even the good ones. Especially the guilty ones.) So if you need something, say it. If you need more reassurance, ask. If you need time, take it.

My Story (And Why I Believe Healing Is Possible): I doubted my husband’s love after his affair. Every day. But over time, he learned how to show up. How to make repairs. How to hear me without getting defensive. How to stay, even when it wasn’t easy.
And maybe more importantly, I learned how to rebuild me.

My confidence. My self-worth. My voice. And I’ll be honest with you, my marriage today is stronger than I ever thought possible. But it took real work. Not just from him. From both of us. You can read the full story on my blog: http://surviving-the-affair.com

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