Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: One of the things I hear the most from faithful spouses who are reeling after an affair is this:

“I just don’t feel close to him anymore. Not the way we used to. We could practically read each other’s minds. I could look at him and know what he was thinking. Now? I barely know what to say. Or how to act. It feels like there’s this wall between us.”

Sound familiar?

You’re not crazy for feeling this way. And you’re definitely not alone.

After infidelity, it’s incredibly common to feel like something sacred has been ripped out of your relationship. That precious “closeness,” the kind that made you feel safe, known, and deeply connected, suddenly feels like it’s gone. Or at least hidden under layers of pain, doubt, and anger.

The good news is that the closeness can come back. But it usually doesn’t happen overnight, and it definitely doesn’t happen by accident.

Let’s talk about some practical tips that might help you bring it back, step by step.

Don’t Pretend Everything’s Fine (Even If You’re Tempted To:) I totally get the urge to fast-forward through the mess. Nobody wants to sit in the middle of the wreckage. You want to feel better. You want things to be normal again. And on some days, you might even try to convince yourself that if you just put your head down and keep going, everything will work itself out.

But here’s the thing: emotional bypassing usually backfires. If you don’t address the betrayal and you sweep it under the rug or avoid the hard conversations, you’re just layering denial over hurt. That kind of emotional weight doesn’t disappear. It lingers. It builds. And eventually, it shows up in the way you look at each other, talk to each other, or avoid each other.

Restoring closeness requires trust. And trust only grows where honesty lives. That means you will have to work through the uncomfortable stuff. I wish I could say there was a shortcut. There’s not. But taking your time to do it right now saves you from way more heartache down the road.

Do Things Together That Make You Feel Like a Team Again: No, I’m not just talking about counseling, although that can help, too.

I mean finding activities that feel light, engaging, and fun. I’m talking about the things that remind you what it’s like to laugh together, to figure something out side-by-side, and to make a memory that isn’t tied to pain.

Some couples take dance classes. Others start hiking. I’ve even heard of people taking improv comedy together. (Which, honestly, is pretty brave.)

What matters most isn’t the what. It’s the how. The goal isn’t to distract yourselves from the affair. It’s to create new experiences that rebuild connection on a different level.

Bonus points if it’s something neither of you has done before. That way, you’re both on equal footing, since you’re both a little out of your comfort zone and you’re both leaning on each other.

Because vulnerability and play? That’s a powerful combo. And often, it’s exactly what couples need to start feeling close again.

Don’t Wait for Closeness to Just “Come Back”: This part is tough. Because a lot of people think, “If I just give it time, we’ll feel close again.” I used to believe that, too. Until months went by and nothing changed. We still talked. We still shared a bed – platonically. But emotionally? It felt like we were miles apart.

Eventually, I had to ask myself: Am I really open to closeness? Or am I too scared to get hurt again? That’s when it hit me. You can’t feel close while standing behind an emotional wall.

The truth is, if you’ve been betrayed, you’re probably guarding yourself. And I don’t blame you. It’s a form of self-protection. You’re trying to keep yourself safe. But here’s the kicker: the very thing that keeps you “safe” also keeps you separate.

Real closeness requires vulnerability. And that’s terrifying when someone’s broken your trust. But it’s also necessary if you want that deep, unshakable connection back.

You can’t keep your heart locked away and expect emotional intimacy to magically show up.

Start Small, But Please Start Somewhere: You don’t have to dive in all at once. You don’t have to bare your soul every night over candlelight. Sometimes it starts with something as simple as saying, “I missed laughing with you today.” Or “It felt good just sitting next to you.” Or “I’m scared too, but I want to try.”

I’m talking about little openings. Honest moments. A soft tone instead of sharp edges. They may seem small, but they build trust. And trust is the seed of intimacy.

Here’s the Truth You Might Not Believe Yet: I know it probably sounds crazy right now, but it’s possible for your marriage to become even stronger after an affair. I never would’ve believed that two years ago. But now? I do.

Not because we forgot the pain. But because we faced it. We worked through it. We learned how to show up for each other. Yes, sometimes honestly, awkwardly, and sometimes painfully, but we did it together.

That’s how closeness is rebuilt. Not perfectly. Not quickly. But with intention.

If you’re feeling like closeness is impossible right now, please don’t lose hope. You’re still writing your story. This isn’t the ending. It might just be the beginning of something deeper than you imagined.

You can read more of my personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com. I share the good, the bad, and everything in between – because healing is messy, but it’s absolutely possible.

And if you’re willing to lean in, even a little, you just might find that closeness again. You really might.

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