Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes speak with wives who are trying very hard to pick up the pieces after their husbands’ affairs. I often hear comments like:

“I really want to move on, but I just can’t seem to. I keep looking back rather than forward. I’m stuck being angry. I can’t get images of him and her out of my mind. I feel like I’m stuck in quicksand when all I want is my old life back. How can I possibly move on when I’m paralyzed by all these feelings? When will things start to get better? I wish I could erase all of this, but I know that I can’t.”

These feelings are incredibly common, but so immensely frustrating. There’s no question that a husband’s affair can derail your life, which is so unfair since you weren’t the one who did anything wrong. And sometimes, as painful as this is, you see no end in sight, and you blame yourself for not finding a way to just move on already. I’ll offer some suggestions about how to deal with this in the following article.

Know That You Will Move Forward When You Are Ready to Do So and Have What You Need: In the time period immediately following the affair, it can feel as though your life will never be the same again. It can begin to feel as though everything is broken and can never return to being whole. But with some work, some understanding, and some healing, it’s entirely possible to get back on your feet and to eventually move on.

The thing is, this does often take some time. There’s a real tendency to put pressure and blame on yourself when this doesn’t happen in a very quick or almost immediate timeline. You have to understand that this can be a very harsh blow—one from which you can’t expect to truly recover overnight. There are usually a few things that you will need and/or want to have before you are truly ready to move on and have it stick.

The Things That You’ll Often Need to Move Forward With Confidence and Peace of Mind After His Affair: Many women tell me that they feel they just need to “make up their minds” or vow to just move on, and once the decision is made, then it’s up to them to follow through. And then, when their resolve begins to waver or they feel some doubt and worry, they blame themselves for not having enough willpower and for not making good on their promises.

What they fail to see, though, is that they haven’t yet gotten what they need to truly move on once and for all. There are often still some very important questions and not enough decent answers. For example, many women whose husbands have had an affair will need to understand why this happened and how they (and the marriage) were vulnerable. Because if they don’t, they will continue to live with dread and worry. The fear of this happening again does not allow them a moment’s rest. And often they will rush or push themselves to move on, only to find that the fear and worry are only intensified.

By no means is this their fault. What is happening is that they are trying to move forward without having all of the information and tools that they need. Although you may never have every question about the affair answered perfectly, you will often need to have a good idea of what contributed to this. Because it’s only then that you’ll have the confidence that comes with knowing that you’ve fully addressed the issue so that it’s no longer a threat.

Additionally, you will often need to rebuild the connection and the trust with your husband—along with your self-esteem. Because if you don’t address these things, in a way you’re compromised and limping along, and you’re in a situation where strength and health are absolutely vital. But if you can rebuild yourself and retain the answers that you need, and work on your self-esteem to regain your confidence, then you are working from a place of strength rather than weakness. And this is the beginning of moving forward.

Knowing When You’re Truly Ready to Move On After His Affair: Many wives ask me when they can expect to move on. Specifically, they want to know how long it’s supposed to take to heal. There’s really no time frame, as this is an individual journey based upon the situation and the people involved. There is no need to place pressure on yourself or to make judgments about your timeline. You can make the intention to keep making progress without needing a specific date. In my opinion and experience, you’re often better off focusing on what makes you feel better rather than questioning why you don’t and wanting to know when you might expect to.

There isn’t necessarily a right or wrong answer. But I often tell women that if they are asking when they can move on, then they probably still lack some answers and are still reacting to pain and hurt. This just means that they need to find what is missing and provide that missing link. And they will do this when the time is right for them. Because honestly, when you’re ready to move on, you will often know it without needing to ask the question. The little voice in your head that is nagging you right now will quiet, and instead give you the indication that you really want to look forward rather than back.

Surviving the Affair is a blog I put together to share my journey. I know that this is a very difficult time, and that forgiveness can be elusive, but working through it can truly be worth the effort. Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, I did eventually truly get over the affair. My marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Our bond and intimacy are much stronger, and because of all the work I did on myself, my self-esteem is pretty high. I no longer worry that my husband will cheat again. You can check it out at: http://surviving-the-affair.com/