Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: One of the most common emotions that a faithful spouse is searching for in the aftermath of an affair is remorse. The faithful spouse can desperately want to believe that the cheating spouse is deeply sorry. And there are many reasons for this: Often, the faithful spouse wants reassurance that they are not the only one who is devastated. Remorse also means that the cheating spouse truly understands the pain that he has caused and therefore will hopefully think twice about cheating again. It may also mean that he will be willing to put forth the effort to make rehabilitation possible.

However, in the course of searching for remorse, the faithful spouse might worry that they are seeing something else instead – regret.
One of these wives might explain, “I found out that my husband was having an affair about six weeks ago. I would have had more respect for him if he had admitted it, but no. He was a coward who denied it until I found evidence that he could not explain away. So now he is scrambling and trying to do everything possible not to lose his house or his family. He says that he is sorry, but when I ask him for specifics about what, exactly, he is sorry for, his answers just aren’t what I’m hoping to hear. They don’t sound as sincere as I’d like and they aren’t specific about the pain and the fallout that his actions have caused. Yesterday, I point blank asked him – once again – if he felt remorse. His response was ‘I feel regret.’ I told him I wanted remorse. He asked what was the difference. Of course, there is a difference. Isn’t there?”

Yes, there is. Having gone through this myself, I strongly believe that I would much rather my husband have felt deep remorse than deep regret. Below, I will go over the differences between the two and tell you why I believe that remorse is what you truly need to see. It’s okay if your spouse chooses to call it regret, as long as he ultimately feels true remorse. Also, know that it can take a little bit of time before some people drop their defenses enough to feel genuine remorse.  So it’s not necessary to panic if you’re not yet seeing it.

Regret Usually Focuses On The Consequences: Regret is often based on wishing that the affair didn’t happen or that the cheater didn’t get caught. It’s more of wishing that they could turn back time because they regret the circumstances that are now surrounding them. They are usually feeling regret about what the affair has cost, the fact that you are now angry at them, and the fact that the life that they had yesterday or last week is now at risk. In short, the affair is now found out and it’s very uncomfortable to have to face the consequences. So, of course, they regret that this has happened and wish that they could take it back. People who are focused mostly on regret will sometimes try to convince the faithful spouse that they are asking for too much or that they are overreacting. In other words, they will try to get you to dial it back so that the consequences for them are less.  It’s more about them than it is about you.  They are very focused on what they are feeling – not on what you are feeling.  This is very different than true remorse, which I will discuss now.

Remorse Focuses On The Feelings And Well-Being Of The Innocent, Not Of The Guilty: A husband who feels remorse is often more focused on the well-being of his spouse instead of himself.  He takes responsibility for his actions instead of trying to see what excuses will work on you.  He is willing to look hard to see where he made mistakes and had character flaws which hopefully can be fixed. He feels true sorrow and intense guilt at hurting someone else. In this state, you are likely to get a true, heartfelt apology because someone who feels remorse is willing to live in reality so that they can feel legitimate empathy.  They understand that they made a very hurtful mistake and must now take responsibility for fixing it.  Despite this, they are more concerned with the consequences for you instead of the consequences for them.

The Future With Regret Vs Remorse: Here is why remorse is so much more desirable than regret, at least in my opinion: In a real sense, regret often doesn’t contain much empathy from the cheater, but remorse does. Because the person feeling remorse sees the truth and their responsibility in it, the remorseful person is much more likely to avoid the same action – cheating – in the future. The regretful person is more likely to attempt to avoid punishment for the action, but not the action itself, which is why the regretful spouse can sometimes just become better at hiding their cheating – rather than quitting their cheating.

That’s not to say that someone can’t start out feeling regret and then eventually move toward remorse (once he experiences the consequences of his actions.) But ultimately, remorse is a very important part of the recovery process. I would not have wanted to settle for less. A spouse who feels remorse understands the faithful spouse’s pain, takes responsibility for it, and wants to avoid causing any more harm. Therefore, they are often more willing to take a hard look at themselves, to seek counseling, and to undergo rehabilitation – which are all going to make your marriage stronger in the end.

My husband did try to posture somewhat in the days after I caught him cheating, but once he realized this wasn’t going to work, he dropped the act and it eventually became obvious that he truly felt remorse.  Thankfully, his behaviors and actions were in alignment with his claims of true sorrow.  This meant that he was willing to do what was necessary to help me (and our marriage) to heal.  It was not a linear process and it was often painful, but we made it. You can read more at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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