Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

I hear from some wives who want to know what to say or how to talk to their husband after his infidelity. However, some wives don’t have this issue because their husbands are avoiding them. Once the affair was discovered, he exited the situation and has been absent ever since. Understandably, this is extremely frustrating.

A wife might say, “I questioned my husband about his behavior for six months before I caught him cheating. I knew that something was wrong. He was home much less. But, more than that, he was acting strange. He just wasn’t himself. I knew in my gut that he was cheating. But he vehemently denied this. Even worse, he tried to make me think I am crazy. He accused me of seeing signs that didn’t exist. So when I finally caught him cheating, I was both triumphant and furious, and I gave him a huge piece of my mind. I will admit that I berated him. I wish I had handled it more calmly. But my emotions just took over. My husband has been avoiding me ever since. He texted me the next day and said that he was in the process of breaking it off when I caught him. He said that he’s going to stay with family for a while. I expected him to stay with family, but I didn’t believe that he was ending the affair, and I told him so in my response. I can tell that he read my text, but he has not responded. So I tried to call him. He did not pick up. Since that time, I have texted and called repeatedly. I never get a response. I even went by where I believe he is staying. But his family said he wasn’t staying there. I think my husband asked his family member to lie. I’m so angry about this. I’m getting the run around when I did nothing wrong. Why is he trying to avoid me in this way?”

I can only speculate. But, it is very common for a cheating spouse to avoid the faithful spouse after the affair is out in the open. And there are several reasons for this, which I will list below.

Embarrassment / Shame: No matter how indignant and justified the cheating spouse may act, he likely feels some embarrassment and shame. After all, he insisted that he wasn’t cheating and you caught him doing exactly that. Being caught in a lie feels awful. But when the lie is about your marriage to a spouse who has already suspected you of betrayal, that’s dreadful. He may feel panic at the thought of facing you right now. He knows that his actions are embarrassing.

He’s Waiting For The Dust To Settle: Since you let him have it the last time you spoke, he may think that time may make your next conversation less combative. He may hope that time allows the situation to calm things down. Unfortunately, his avoidance may be making you angrier than a confrontation would. Although it may be tempting to try to force a meeting, doing so might put you at a disadvantage. Let me explain.

He May Be Posturing And Looking For An Advantage: It’s very obvious that you are the wronged party. Most people would assume that your husband is going to have to come to you, full of apologies. However, by avoiding you, he may hope that it is you who will come to him. By not giving you access to him, he is putting you in a position where you are the one who must reach out to him.

He May Not Know What He Wants Or How To Move Forward:  Your husband may realize that you are going to want to hear his plan moving forward.  In other words, you’re going to want to know what he wants to do about your marriage.  And, if he wants to save it, you’re going to want to know HOW he is going to make that happen.  What is he willing to do to regain your trust?  How is he going to rehabilitate himself?  He may not have those answers yet, which is one reason that he is avoiding you.

How To Approach This: How you proceed depends on your tolerance for patience. If you feel you have to see or hear from him right away, then I don’t know of any other option than to continue to try to reach out. But, if you are willing to be patient, then you can choose to let him come to you – whenever that might be.

Eventually, he will have to come to a decision and communicate the same to you. For example, if he wants a break or even a divorce, he’ll have to approach you. If he wants to reconcile, the same is true. He can’t avoid you forever.

If you’re willing to wait a while, you might try a communication like this: “It’s obvious that you’re not ready to communicate. You know where I am or how to get in touch when you are.”

You haven’t threatened him or offered to come to him. You haven’t given an ultimatum or looked desperate. Instead, you’re telling him that you are open to hearing what he has to say whenever he stops his avoidance.

Once he sees that avoidance is getting him nothing, he may be more willing to reach out.

Usually, he is reluctant about the reaction he is going to get from you. Or he is trying to position himself more favorably. He likely knows that he owes you an explanation and an apology, but he is afraid of your reaction when he offers these things. Delaying this isn’t necessarily going to make things any better. But he may think that it is.

You don’t necessarily owe him a guaranteed reaction. Nor are you required to come to him.  So, if neither of those things appeal to you, then you can wait.  And know that waiting doesn’t mean that you have to tone down your reaction or your requirements moving forward.  His avoidance does not change what has happened – or what should happen in the future.  If it helps, you can read about how I dealt with my own husband after his affair at http://surviving-the-affair.com

 

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