Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

It’s easy to tell that this blog caters to wives who are dealing with infidelity. That is my experience, so that is the viewpoint from which I write. It’s very easy for me to write for these wives because I have been there and I know how they feel.

However, I have dialogued with the “other woman,” and I have fielded questions from people in this category. So occasionally, I write articles that address this audience. I also find that wives are often curious about the views and feelings of the other woman. Although it’s easy to view the “other woman” as a conniving, uncaring, temptress, this isn’t always accurate. Every situation is different.

Another Point of View: I often hear comments like this one: “I never intended to cheat with anyone. As stupid as it sounds, I didn’t realize that he was married. And I had fallen really hard once I found out. But, I did try to break it off. He refused to cooperate and pursued me. Then he told me that he would leave his wife. I know that I am a fool. But I love him. And in time, I want to be with him. I am prepared to deal with his kids and his parents if given the chance. But, will they ever give ME a chance? Will I always be the homewrecker? What do people really think of the other woman? Assuming I make him happy and am a good wife and step-mother, will I eventually be given a place at the table?”

An Honest Answer: I am going to be careful with my wording and try to provide an honest answer. I can only base my opinion on my first-hand knowledge of watching a friend’s situation (more on that below) and on what people said about “other women” when I was going through infidelity myself.

In many cases, public opinion is not kind. Sure, the other woman’s friends and family (who know her very well) may have objectivity and may side with her. But people who don’t know her (the husband’s family, loved ones, co-workers, friends, etc.) are more likely to judge her harshly, especially at first.

Sometimes, Whether Deserved Or Not, The Other Woman Pays A High Price: I have a friend who falls into this category, and I have watched first-hand as she has paid a heavy price for her infidelity. She went to a high school reunion in the middle of a huge fight with her husband. She reconnected with her high school boyfriend and eventually divorced her husband and married the old boyfriend. However, for a short time, she was technically cheating on her spouse, because neither she or the boyfriend “came clean” immediately.

Even though she and her now-husband (who she cheated with) have been married for years, she will always be seen by many as a homewrecker. Her children have never accepted her new husband because they are well aware of the pain this relationship caused their father. Her in-laws will barely speak to her because they love her husband’s first wife. Her step-children are openly hostile. My friend is in pain over this situation, but she is not unique.

My friend is blamed whenever her now-husband’s children have any sort of issues – from lashing out emotionally to struggling in school. After all, all of the kids in this situation were uprooted from the home life they knew. The spouses in this situation were suddenly without a partner through no fault of their own. So yes, people tend to see the faithful spouses and the children as victims. And, to be fair, they are.  They got a very raw deal and they did nothing to deserve this.

Many people believe that it was the husband and the other woman who chose infidelity and who dealt the final blow to the marriage. That’s a painful reality for many family members, who won’t soon forget.

Interestingly, though, people tend to be harder on the other woman than on the husband. No one calls the man a homewrecker. Very few people paint the man as conniving in the way that they do the other woman. This is unfortunate and unfair, but it is the reality.

A Way Around This: Honestly, I only see one way out of these harsh perceptions. And that is to bow out of the affair immediately and allow the husband’s marriage to continue or end as it will -without any outside pressure or interference. In other words, if the husband truly does have a dreadful marriage that he wants out of, tell him that you can talk when and IF he is actually out of that marriage. But until then, you will not engage in adultery.

If he truly loves the other woman as much as he says, then he will untangle his marriage and be with her in time. In this situation, she will not be the villain, since it is the husband who chose to end the marriage of his own free will.

Of course, in some situations, the husband was exaggerating his awful marriage. And he won’t actually leave his wife. But, isn’t it better to know that before you ruin lives? If this is the case, the other woman has avoided being lied to and strung along.

In my friend’s case, she actually was very unhappy in our old marriage. But she is currently quite unhappy in her new marriage because neither of their families or social groups will accept their union. She freely admits that she should have pursued a divorce, let the dust settle, and healed herself and her kids first. Only then should she even thought about another relationship. If he had pursued this gradual, unhurried path, her kids would be much more likely to accept her husband now.

As someone who has been deeply hurt by another woman’s actions, I DO NOT advocate any unfaithful relationship. I am merely saying I am aware that the other woman does not always go into this with hurtful intentions. That said, and I say this very respectfully, if the other woman wants to be viewed favorably or fairly, her best bet is to end the affair the second she knows that it is actually an affair. If the husband truly loves her and is serious about ending his marriage, then the relationship can be re-visited into the future – when both parties are actually free and healthy to pursue the relationship.

Because any relationship built on deceit, secrecy, and betrayal already has much going against it. And it honestly puts the other woman at a disadvantage. If her goal is to be in a healthy relationship, she makes this less likely if that relationship is an affair.

If the relationship is really important, it should happen when both parties are single. Otherwise, I’m afraid the other woman will literally be seen as the odd woman out – especially among the husband’s family and friends – who may feel loyal and protective of the first wife. However, if it is the husband who ends the marriage and then waits to pursue another relationship, this dynamic can change. That is the best chance of having a healthy, supported relationship – when you stop being the other woman. And wait to be the woman in an honest relationship. Yes, this may take a substantial amount of time. But it is better than a lifetime of being scorned.

And if the other man doesn’t keep his promises, then at least you saw what you were dealing with early in the process, before more damage was done.

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