Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

It’s normal to look for a concrete and believable reason that your spouse cheated or had an affair. Sometimes, your spouse will insist he doesn’t know why he cheated. Other times, he will very willingly offer up a reason. Anxiety is sometimes used as justification for the cheating. Understandably, the faithful spouse can question if this is a valid justification.

The anxiety that is used for justification can take many forms. Sometimes, it is the husband who was experiencing the anxiety, which he believes contributed to his cheating. Other times, it was the wife who was struggling, and the husband will claim that the atmosphere at home was in play.

If it is the husband who has anxiety, you might hear something like, “my husband claims that his generalized and social anxiety disorder was one of the reasons he cheated on me. I don’t deny that my husband has this issue. But he has always had it. And he always just lived his life around it. He has a job. He has fulfilling relationships. And never has his anxiety gotten in the way of him living a productive life. Now suddenly it is this huge problem. Now he’s telling me that when he was with the other woman, he got a break from his anxiety because she is so easy to talk to and she makes the world feel safe. Is this just a lie he’s making up to have an excuse? This doesn’t make sense to me.”

Alternatively, you might hear a wife say, “my husband is blaming me for his affair by saying that our home was always tense due to my anxiety and mental health issues. I don’t deny that I have anxiety. And it has now been magnified several times over with his cheating. However, this is not a new issue. I’ve had it since we were dating. And it has never been a deal-breaker. Now suddenly living with me was so troublesome that my husband supposedly cheated on me as a way to escape. I’ve never heard this crazy excuse before. Can a spouse’s anxiety cause an affair?”

Escape Excuses Versus Free Will: Neither of these justifications is all that uncommon. Anxiety (both within one’s self and at home) falls within the “escape” excuse that is often used for an affair. And, since anxiety is very common, the person claiming it may be sincere in thinking that it contributed to the affair.

However, human beings have free will. Despite any contributing factors, cheating is a conscious act. No one forces someone else to cheat or have an affair. They alone take that action. Sure, being anxious may have put your spouse in a bad mental state that made him vulnerable. But he chose to cheat to cope rather than to pursue other alternatives. Likewise, when a spouse is blaming your anxiety or mental health for his actions, he’s using the home atmosphere as the reasoning behind his betrayal. This is also a common excuse. And certainly, anxiety within and at home can be contributing factors to stress, but again, cheating is a choice when there were likely better choices available.

Healing After The Anxiety Excuse: Frankly, anxiety is just another justification that a cheating spouse will try in a long list of justifications. Often, the spouse firmly believes what he is saying and may even be correct about the diagnosis of anxiety. But he’s not taking full responsibility for his choices. True healing will be difficult until he does.

Regardless of any valid reasons for his struggles, these hardships are never a justification for betraying your spouse. Unfortunately, he’s not likely to see that right now. It can be difficult to think clearly when you are dealing with the fall out of the affair on top of pre-existing mental health issues.

How To Respond: I think it is important to validate his struggle while making it clear that it is still not an excuse. It is also important to encourage treatment, as moving forward will be difficult without it. So I’d try something like, “I’m sorry that you’re struggling and I will support your getting treatment. But there is no excuse for cheating. And you need to take responsibility for it. The treatment for the anxiety and the responsibility for cheating are two different things. I am behind you all the way in addressing the anxiety. And I also want to heal. But I will not accept anxiety as an excuse.”

Then, assuming you are still invested in your marriage, make good on what you’ve said. Attend counseling with him or support him using self-help. Have empathy for his struggles, but insist that he own up to the choice he made. You still have to address the damage he has caused regardless of the reasoning behind it.

Anxiety After An Affair: Pre-affair is not the only time you will see anxiety. It is a very common consequence of an affair. I struggled with it after my husband’s affair. I believe it stems from a lack of control. Before you find out about the affair, you think that you have a predictable life. After the affair, you realize how wrong you were. Your world is turned upside down and you did nothing to cause this.

It feels as if you can only watch helplessly as your stability disappears. This lack of control would make anyone anxious. Thankfully, I learned there were ways to take back some control. I began to exercise, seek healing, and write in a journal. I also joined a book club that met regularly to take my mind off of things.

My husband most definitely experienced anxiety while he wondered if his mistake would cost him his family and his home. He had to watch helplessly as I decided what would happen with our marriage and family. He got some professional help, but he had to step back and allow me to go at my own pace. Thankfully, he realized that he had no right to pressure or rush me.

The anxiety lessened as we regained our footing. I maintain a sense of control by regularly taking the pulse of our marriage and doing everything in my power to keep it strong. Still, I’ve learned that I’ll never be able to control everything. That’s just a reality. But I also know that I am strong enough to handle most uncertainties. I’ll never be completely anxiety-free, but it doesn’t control my life.  You can read about how we healed after the affair at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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