Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I hear from a lot of women who are really struggling after their husband’s affair. Not just with the betrayal itself—which is gutting enough—but with figuring out what to do now.

They know they need certain things in order to heal. Things like real apologies, daily reassurance, some kind of sign that he actually gets it and is going to do better. But when it comes to saying those things out loud? That’s where it gets tricky.

One woman recently said to me, “I have a list in my head of all the things I need him to say or do. And I get frustrated when I don’t see any of it. But then he throws it back at me and says, ‘I’m not a mind reader.’ I want to tell him. I do. But I don’t even know how to say it. And a part of me feels like I shouldn’t even have to.”

Sound familiar? Because I hear some version of this all the time.

And honestly? I get it. When you’re the one who’s been betrayed, it feels backward to be the one who also has to guide the healing. It feels like you shouldn’t have to ask for what should already be obvious. But here’s the tough truth: if you don’t speak up, there’s a good chance you won’t get what you need.

And that’s not because your husband doesn’t care. It’s usually because he just doesn’t know. He may be full of guilt and confusion. He may be terrified of saying the wrong thing. He may honestly think he’s trying.

So, if you’re trying to find a way to tell your husband what you need after he cheated, here are some suggestions that may help—along with a few examples to make the conversation feel a little more doable.

Be Clear, Be Calm, and Add a Little “Why” So It Doesn’t Feel Like a Lecture: One of the biggest roadblocks I see is when a wife finally opens up—maybe even through tears or frustration—and the husband hears it as an attack. Suddenly, he’s defensive. She’s even more hurt. And instead of moving closer to healing, they’ve added another layer of distance.

That’s the opposite of what either of you wants.

So before you bring this up, try to wait for a moment when things are relatively calm. Not in the middle of an argument. Not when emotions are raw. Just a quiet moment where he’ll actually be able to hear you.

When you do speak, don’t just list your needs like a checklist. Add a little heart to it. Explain why you’re asking for what you’re asking.

For example, instead of just saying, “I need you to check in more,” you might say, “When you check in with me during the day, it helps me feel a little more grounded. It helps me feel like we’re still connected, and that I’m still important to you.”

It shifts the whole tone—from “You owe me this” to “Here’s how you can help me heal.”

Know What You Really Need—Not Just What You Think You Should Say: Before you even open your mouth, it helps to spend some quiet time figuring out what you actually need. Not what you think you should say. Not what you think sounds “reasonable.” But what’s actually sitting in your heart.

Ask yourself:

• What would help me feel safer right now?

• What would help me feel like he’s genuinely sorry?

• What would give me a little peace of mind—today, this week, going forward?

Don’t judge yourself. Don’t tell yourself you’re being “too much.” You’re not. You’re responding to a deep hurt. That deserves compassion. Especially from yourself.

Once you’ve had a little time to think it through, then you can approach him.

Maybe you say something like:
“I’ve been thinking a lot about everything that’s happened. And I think there are some things you could do that might really help me feel more secure. Is now a good time to talk?”

That simple intro can make a big difference. It signals that this is something thoughtful—not just an emotional outburst. It helps him stay open instead of shutting down.

Spell It Out. Gently. And Be Specific: When he’s open and ready to listen, start small. Start honest. Maybe even start with something like:

“I want you to know that I am trying. I want to heal. I want to get through this. But I’m still carrying some really heavy stuff. And instead of holding it all in and growing resentful, I thought maybe I could just be honest about what I need.”

Then say what you need. As plainly as you can.

Here’s an example, using the common issue of trust:
“I wish I could just flip a switch and trust you again. I really do. But that’s not where I’m at yet. What might help, though, is if you’d come home right after work, check in a couple of times during the day, and carve out some time in the evenings just for us. If I see that we’re reconnecting, if it’s obvious that our marriage is your priority, I think that would go a long way in helping me feel safe again.”

See how that’s clear, but not blaming? It’s direct, but not angry. You’re not asking him to guess. You’re not asking for the impossible. You’re just saying: Here’s what would help. Can you meet me here?

This Works for Other Needs, Too: This same kind of conversation can apply to all the big things:

• If you need more affection.

• If you want him to explain what led to the cheating.

• If you need to see actual changes—not just hear empty promises.

Each time, go back to those basics:

• Be calm.

• Be clear.

• Add a little bit of “why.”

• Make it about healing.

You deserve to feel supported. You deserve to feel like your pain matters. And honestly? If your husband truly wants to save the marriage, then he’ll want to know how to help you. But he’s got to know what that looks like. And that starts with you spelling it out—lovingly, honestly, and clearly.

I won’t pretend any of this is easy. It’s not. There was a time in my own life when I thought I’d never stop feeling broken by my husband’s affair. I honestly didn’t think we’d make it. But we did.

And I really believe that one of the turning points was when I stopped expecting him to read my mind—and started sharing, piece by piece, what I actually needed.

If you’d like to read more about how I eventually healed—and how we rebuilt something stronger than I thought possible—you can find the story here:
http://surviving-the-affair.com

Just remember: You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to be real. That’s more than enough.