Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Many wives who have caught their husband cheating or having an affair understandably have a few choice words for the other woman. Some of them are inclined to confront her face-to-face. Thankfully, most people calm down enough to realize that such an encounter may be too volatile or unpredictable to be healthy. 

As a result, many wives come to believe that the “safer” strategy might be to send the other woman a DM, text, email, or some sort of message. However, when many of them begin to craft such a message, they struggle somewhat. They aren’t sure what to say to this woman. Should they shame her? Guilt her? Illicit her sympathy so that she’ll know that the wife is a human being and a real person with feelings? Tell her the harm that she’s done? Threaten her? What is the best play, when you aren’t sure how she might respond?

Someone might say, “Because I demanded that my husband give up his phone when I confronted him about his affair, I can use his phone to send the other woman a text, email, etc. I suppose that I could also look her up on Facebook. I thought about calling her, but I’m afraid I will get emotional and my voice will break up. I do not want to sound weak in this encounter. But I’m not sure what to say in a note or message, either. I think that she is probably a horrible person to cheat with a man she had to have known was married. There are children’s things in our vehicle. I just don’t know how she couldn’t have known that she was affecting someone’s family and children. And I want her to know how evil I think this is. I also want her to know if she comes near my husband again, I will do my best to publicly shame her, not that she likely cares. I talked to my girlfriend about this, and she had an interesting point. She asked me what was going to happen if this lady responded back to me with all sorts of painful information that is only going to make this worse? Should I expose myself to this? Don’t I need to know regardless?”

I think that my answer might surprise you since I’m also a wife who has been through this. And my opinion on this has only gotten stronger as I’ve seen other wives deal with this and have watched this encounter backfire in many different ways.  

Don’t Give Her Any Opportunity To Control The Narrative: To be quite honest, I don’t think it’s in your best interest to allow her to tell you how things went. Yes, both people in this scenario have a reason to bend the truth or to flat-out lie. But at least with your husband, you know him well enough to spot his lies and you can continue to question him when his claims that don’t make sense.

In contrast, she is free to tell you whatever she wants. And frankly, most people aren’t going to paint themselves as the villian. It is self-preservation to want to make yourself believe that you were justified in your actions. That means she may try to make your husband into the pursuer. She may tell you that they are deeply in love. She may tell you that your husband is looking for a way to abandon your family when none of this is true. 

She could also apologize and admit fault, but in my experience, this is less likely.

You don’t know how she might react, which is why this is risky no matter how you slice it, especially when your husband can provide her with the same information – that the affair is over. 

Don’t Give Her Any Real Estate In Your Head:  The main reason that I didn’t want to dialogue with the other woman in my situation is that I know myself well enough to know that if there were ever a conversation between us, I was going to replay it over and over again in my own head. I was going to endlessly ruminate on the things she said and the things that I should have said but was too upset to get out. 

Honestly, this would have delayed my healing. I just didn’t need that. My husband said it would end. And believe me, I watched closely and intently to make sure that this was true, so I just didn’t see the need to include her in the process of our lives and our ability to move on.

I wanted her out of our lives immediately. So I certainly wasn’t going to invite her into it.

If You Must Write Something:  I understand that many wives just cannot let this go and feel like must have a say. If this is the case, I’m going to strongly suggest that you let your husband send the message. If you must be the one to send it, sit on whatever you are going to send for at least a day before you actually send it. That way, some of the emotion will hopefully have died down and you can think about the message rationally.

Because at its core, this message is really just this: I know about you. Your actions were destructive to my family. My husband is ending the affair. There will be no further communication. 

What more is there to say beyond this that she will actually hear? 

I am not sure that you want to try to elicit her pity or her guilt. You don’t need her to pity you. And you don’t know enough about her to know if she will feel guilty. She doesn’t need to know anything personal about you. Don’t let her intrude any more than she already has.  

And make absolutely sure that she can’t continue to engage with you and attempt to have the last word. If you (or your husband) are going to send a text, you need to change the number. If you’re going to DM, you need to block her afterward. Do not send her an email from a personal account that you want to use every day. Do not threaten her in any way. Because you honestly don’t know her side of the story. You also don’t know how she will react to any of this. 

If you absolutely must do this, simply let her know that the affair is over. And then do not engage with or contact her again. Because the sooner you both can stop thinking about and communicating with her, the better.

Again, if it’s not already obvious, I think it’s preferable that you not dialog with her or allow her into your life anymore. But I know that some are going to insist on doing it anyway. In that case, I would recommend keeping it very simple and short with just a few sentences to tell her that you know about the affair and it is over. Then shut down all further communication.

I am not trying to tell anyone what to do.  I’m just trying to help you heal as soon as possible.  Because that is when you are going to start feeling better – not when you engage with the other woman.  You can read more about healing at https://surviving-the-the-affair.com

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