Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Most people think they know how they will react when and if their spouse cheats on them. Many of them have gone over it in their minds more than a few times. However, once it happens to you, you might find that you’ll feel and do things you never anticipated. Your reaction might be completely surprising or even upsetting. You might partake in behaviors or thoughts that you never considered possible – such as cheating for revenge or to feel better. 

Someone might say, “I’ve never cheated on anyone in my life. I’ve never wanted to. I consider myself someone with integrity. And before my husband cheated on me, I was completely and totally committed to him. I would have made any sacrifice for him and put in any amount of effort that was necessary to make things work. But he did cheat on me. And coming back from this has been harder than I ever imagined possible.”

“His betrayal made me doubt myself, and it hurt the way I saw and valued myself. It dramatically affected my self-worth. I didn’t tell many people about the affair, so my husband hasn’t suffered many repercussions. He hasn’t lost any standing in the community or with his job. Sure, he had to deal with me, but ultimately, he hasn’t lost much. I feel like I’ve lost so much more.”  

“And, I’m embarrassed to admit it, but I’m finding myself flirting with a friend at work. We’ve been friends for a long time. This guy is a shameless flirt, but I’ve always been professional with him, until now. Sometimes, I find myself tempted to cheat just to get back at my husband and feel better about myself. It worked out fine for my husband, after all. So why shouldn’t I?”

Because Revenge Cheating Comes with a Cost: I can’t decide for anyone else. And you will have to do what is right for you. But here is what I can tell you. I’ve seen couples dealing with “revenge cheating” and it typically just creates a much bigger mess.

As the faithful spouse myself, I know what you are going through. But as you have already seen, healing from one bout of cheating is difficult. I would argue that since you are considering seeking revenge, you haven’t completely healed yet. There’s no shame in that. True healing takes time. It is not easy. It is not fast.

Now imagine adding another dose of cheating to the mix. Your husband may then feel like he’s in the clear. He may think that he no longer needs to be the one who is sorry. He’s no longer a second-class citizen in the marriage because you cheated as well. So now you’ve even steven because you both did it. So you should both just be able to move on since both sides were in the wrong. (Or at least this may be your husband’s thinking if you cheat.)

But here’s where the cost comes in. You didn’t completely heal from the first betrayal and now you won’t have the opportunity to heal from the second. Your marriage would have been dealt a second blow, which will obviously damage it even more. The negative feelings and uncertainty that you’ve been living with will now only multiply rather than get better.

The Damage You’ll Have Done to Yourself:  So far, I’ve mostly talked about the damage you might do to your marriage. Now I want to talk about the damage you might do to yourself. You said that you were a person of integrity and that’s wonderful. That shows self-discipline, self-respect, and self-love.  

But if you cheat, you have lowered yourself to your husband’s behavior. And you’ll know in your heart that you allowed your integrity to be compromised. That leaves a dark mark on your soul. You must know in your heart that you’ve above this behavior.

You’re not in love with your coworker. There’s no upside to changing your relationship with him. It is bound to make things awkward between you and cause issues at work in addition to the other issues you are dealing with. 

In your heart, you know all of this. You’re hurting and you want it to stop, so it’s tempting to lash out. It’s tempting to make him feel the pain that you are feeling. If he, too, has to deal with a cheating spouse, he’ll actually have to feel what you’ve felt. And then and only then might he appreciate what you’ve been dealing with.

But with that knowledge comes twice the damage. Twice the pain. Twice the guilt. Twice the rebuilding. It’s a stain on your heart, your soul, and your marriage that you just don’t need to willingly allow.

As hard as it may be to hear, the quickest path to feeling better is not cheating yourself, it’s doing whatever is necessary to really and truly heal the first time. If your husband isn’t giving you what you need to do that, you can ask, but you can also seek it for yourself. You can make yourself your highest priority. You can get counseling if you need it. You can seek out people who love and support you (not romantically for now,) and you can love yourself because you have done absolutely nothing wrong.

There is power in knowing that you are the innocent party. Don’t taint that by becoming jointly responsible for the damage. Don’t step into the mire when you don’t have to. Focus your attention on making things better, not on making them worse. 

I know that easier said than done. But I am glad I never stooped to my worst impulses. And I did eventually cobble together a complete healing.  You can read about that at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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