Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: When your spouse cheats on you, then you suddenly challenge the view you had of him. You suddenly rethink all of the attributes you thought he had. If you thought he was honest or honorable, you might rethink that. If you thought he put his family above everything else, that’s now in question. If you thought he had no secrets, obviously you were wrong.

All these blown assumptions might make you also re-think your behavior and the freedoms and benefits your husband enjoys. One example is access to kids, especially if you are not sure the affair is over and your husband is living somewhere else – even temporarily.

A wife might say, “As soon as I found out my husband had been cheating, I kicked him out. I told him he could go and stay with my brother, with whom he is close. This isn’t costing him any money, and my brother has more than enough room. Frankly, I’m not sure if he’s ended things with the other woman because he has been asking to come home. And when he does, he tells me he will break it off if I will let him come back. Since I am not letting him come back, I can’t be assured that it is over. He has asked to see the kids, and again, I don’t want any possibility that my kids would be around this woman. And I’m not sure I want my kids around someone with so little integrity as my husband. I have sons. I don’t want that type of influence on them. I don’t want them to grow up and cheat on their wives. But when I tell my husband this, he acts as if this punishment isn’t reasonable. He says that I know he loves our sons and he would never hurt them or not be a good parent. I am torn. My kids are the most precious thing I have. I want to protect them. Is this so wrong?”

It’s not necessarily wrong. I understand your inclination. I honestly do. But something similar happened in my family growing up. And not having access to my dad, as a result, was more damaging to me than protective of me. I believe that, when possible and safe, children should have access to both parents. However, I understand and applaud your wanting to have safeguards in place. So I believe that there is a way you can compromise and provide both things, as follows:

Allow Your Husband to Visit His Kids with You or Some Other Trustworthy Adult Present: I completely understand your being concerned about your kids being exposed to the other woman. I don’t think anyone would want that right now. To keep that from happening, you can ask your husband to visit the house when you or another trusted individual are present. That way, no one has to worry about a third party.

While your husband may balk at this initially, if you calmly ask him to please just humor you so that you’re comfortable, he will hopefully relent. You’re not saying he can’t see the kids, you’re just asking for a little reassurance and safeguards.

Try to See the Differences Amongst Family Relationships:  There is no doubt that your husband’s relationship with you is damaged and may be altered – at least until you can heal and fix it – if that is what you want to do.  

But that doesn’t necessarily mean that his relationship with his children is altered. The betrayal is between you and him. Not he and his children. Try to keep the two separate in your mind because they truly are. I believe someone can be a good parent even if they have made a grave mistake in their marriage. And I was the faithful spouse. My husband cheated on me. So I have a unique perspective, but I still believe that. 

Make It Clear You Aren’t Making Deals About Ending the Affair:  Your husband has told you that he’ll end it if you let him come back, but that’s not necessarily good faith. No, good faith would be ending it even if he has no reassurance that you’re letting him come back. In truth, he should end it because cheating with another woman while he is married to you is wrong. And if he wants to have any chance with you – whenever and however you give it – he should ask for it as someone who is no longer cheating. If he is really serious about reconciliation, then he should take his chances. End the affair and show a true effort.

If you want to make that clear, you might try something like, “You should end the affair regardless of any promises I make you. I don’t know what I want right now. I’m not yet ready for you to come back. But I couldn’t even consider it if I knew you were still cheating. End the affair. Stop cheating, and perhaps in time, I will consider allowing you to return once we heal. I will not consider it if you keep cheating. It is that simple.”

You have every right to ask your husband to deal with you fairly. And, I’m certainly not a lawyer or psychiatrist, but I think it’s fair that you ask your husband not to expose your kids to a third party that you don’t know and didn’t welcome into their lives. 

But I don’t think you have to keep him away from his kids without trying to negotiate and compromise. It’s important to try your best to minimize the effect of the affair on your kids. If you let it affect your kids’ ability to see their father, then you’ve let it affect their lives. And that is not fair to them. 

It is not fair to you for him to delay breaking it off.  You’re within your rights to ask him to do that, if he wants to have a chance with you or to come back home.  And you don’t need to make him any promises.  He can do it as a sign of good faith – regardless of what you eventually decide.  I ultimately decided to make my marriage work, but that is a very personal decision.  I’ve not regretted it.  You can read more at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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