Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

Many maladies can crop up after your husband has an affair. Some are expected, like the loss of self-esteem and trust. And others are both unexpected and unwelcome, like the loss of sleep.

Someone might say, “I’ve always been a fantastic sleeper. My husband is an insomniac, but I am not. I typically sleep the second my head hits the pillow. I remain that way for seven to eight hours. However, since my husband’s affair, I don’t sleep well. Some nights, I can’t fall asleep at all. Other nights, I will fall asleep relatively quickly, but I will wake up at 3 a.m. and can’t fall back. At first, I thought this was just a fluke, but it’s now been three weeks. The lack of sleep is affecting my performance and emotions. It’s not like I’m thinking about the affair every time I try to sleep, so why is this happening? And what can I do about?”

I am not a sleep specialist, but I know a good deal about this topic because I am a life-long off and on insomniac. So I know that our circumstances most defintely affect our sleep, at least mine do.  And, after my husband’s affair, my sleep worsened for a while. In my experience, any emotional stressor can affect your sleep, even if you aren’t thinking about it at bedtime. Here are some things that I have learned along the way that I hope will help you.

Make Sure You Have An Emotional Outlet: It’s extremely important to be able to release troublesome emotions right now. Some people use a therapist or self-help. Others journal or unload on a trusted friend. However you do it, make sure you are letting your emotions go on a regular basis.

Practice Good Sleep Hygiene: Even good sleepers should practice good sleep hygiene by conducting no business in your bed other than sleeping or sex. This means no TV watching, computer use, eating, or other non-sexual activities in bed. I do make an exception for reading because this actually induces sleep for me. I know that sleep hygiene may seem drastic, but it actually trains your brain to associate your bed with sleep.

Try To Soothe Your Way Into Bedtime: For many people, it is very important to create soothing bedtime rituals. I sleep much better if I wind down before bed by reading or doing crafts. I have to be careful to choose non-fiction books that aren’t too exciting and crafts that are not too stimulating. I realize that as a sound sleeper, you’ve probably never had to establish a bedtime ritual before. But when you need your sleep, it doesn’t hurt to try a soothing ritual or two. Some people respond well to baths, meditation, white noise, or turning off all artificial light half an hour before bed.

Don’t Watch The Clock Or Panic When Things Don’t Go As Planned: I once told a doctor that I was certain I was lying awake for up to six hours every night. The doctor told me this was very unlikely and challenged me to go home, lay on my bed, and stay awake for six hours. I couldn’t. We often get more sleep than we think, even if our body is resting and going in and out of slumber. And when we lay in bed worrying about the sleep we aren’t getting, we’re just making things worse. I never look at my alarm clock if I wake in the middle of the night. If I do, I will never return to sleep. Instead, I give myself a few minutes to settle. If I can’t go back to sleep, I read again until I can. I’ve learned that if I remain calm, I have a much better chance of sleeping again or having a decent day tomorrow, despite my sleep deprivation.

Add Morning Exercise: I have found that if I exhaust myself physically, I have a much higher chance of shutting down mentally and sleeping soundly. However, through trial and error, I have learned that working out at night is too stimulating. I have had some success with nighttime yoga, but I save heavy workouts for the morning. They really help with sleep. Experiment with an exercise schedule that enhances your sleep.

Try Waking Up Earlier Or Going To Bed Later: If I have a really bad sleep run, I will wake up earlier or go to bed later to try to encourage more straight hours of sleep. For example, if my main issue is broken sleep, I’ve found that I’m better off going to sleep two hours later and sleeping straight through rather than waking up in the middle of the night and lying awake. Experiment to see which way you feel more refreshed.

Make Sure You Are Making Progress After The Affair: A sense of hopelessness can also affect your sleep. It’s normal to feel hopeless in the beginning, but after some time you should feel as if you are least making personal progress, even if your marriage is still up in the air. Having steady improvement allows you to feel hope again, which makes it easier to lay your head on the pillow and let everything go long enough to rest.

Know That This Is Likely Temporary: I can’t lie. I still have insomnia from time to time even when my personal life is fantastic. Sometimes, there is no particular reason for my poor sleep, but it usually resolves itself quickly. Thankfully, the sleeping drought I had after my husband’s affair ended as I began to heal. I am not unique in this. Improvement eventually happens for many wives in this situation.

So take some comfort in knowing that this likely won’t last forever. And when sleep doesn’t come, just try to be gentle with yourself. Sip warm tea. Take a bath. Use a dim reading night light and read self-help or uplifting non-fiction. This sleep issue will likely end. I learned the hard way that frustration only makes it worse. So try to cope with positivity until improvement arrives. If it helps, you can read about my after-the-affair healing (and know it’s possible for you also) at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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