Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

The topic of what questions to ask a cheating husband comes up very often. Many wives feel like they are asking the same questions over and again after a husband’s affair. This cycle is a problem for a couple of reasons. Sometimes, the wives continue to inquire because their husband isn’t addressing what they really want to know. So, this article is meant to list the questions which I believe are the most vital. Hopefully, if you are a wife dealing with an unfaithful husband, getting these questions answered will give you a very firm understanding of what has happened and of where you stand right now. That way, you won’t feel like you are repeating yourself and your husband won’t feel as if you are just harassing him since you’re asking some variation on the same questions.

1. Is The Affair Over? What Is He Willing To Do To Prove This?: This is the most important question. Because if the affair is not over, then the only healing that can happen is your own self-healing. You can’t begin to repair your marriage if the affair is ongoing. Since no one wants to waste their time trying to accomplish the impossible, you need to know for sure that it is 100% over. However, it’s understandable that you would not take him at his word since he deceived you by having an affair. That’s why his next set of answers should be to clarify how he will prove that it’s over. Will he come straight home from work? Will he give you access to his phone, social media and emails? Clarify what you need from him and then ask him directly if he will meet these needs.

2. What Does He Want To Happen In The Short Term?: It’s important to understand his immediate wishes. Does he know if he wants to stay in your home? Is he open to saving the marriage if it is possible? Is he not thinking this far ahead? By asking him what he wants in the near-term, he’s forced to lay out his preferred next steps, which allows you to consider if his next-steps match yours. Once you agree on the short-term plans, it’s easier to clarify your long-term plans.

3. Is He Willing To Speak Honestly And To Go To Counseling Or Use Self-Help?: Once you have a better idea of whether it is a good idea to move forward, you need to understand how serious he is about rehabilitating your marriage. Good intentions are not enough after an affair. In order for you to ever trust him again, you need to be confident that you both understand why this happened so that you can avoid it in the future. This is very difficult to accomplish unless he is willing to get very honest with himself and with you. Typically, counseling or very good self-help will help this process move much more quickly. His commitment to either of these is a good sign. It’s not that uncommon to save your marriage after an affair, but IT CAN be uncommon to be truly happy without a nudge.

4. Will He Tell You What Happened From Start To Finish?: You need to know the whole story. He needs to be honest about: how he met her; how the affair started; how long it lasted; how he carried it out; what sorts of feelings were involved; and why it ended. Yes, the answers to these questions will be painful for both of you. However, you need this information so you know what you must overcome. This information will also help you identify future warning signs.

5. Will He Take Responsibility For His Actions?: Everyone knows that the reasons for an affair are complex. There are likely multiple contributing factors that caused the affair. However, no one forced your husband to cheat. He alone took that action. Is he willing to own up to that without excuses?

6. Will He Commit To Having Patience?: Affair recovery can be a painful process that isn’t linear. You may make progress only to regress later. You will have good and bad days. You will have anger, frustration, and confusion that is directed at your husband. He must be patient to deal with these challenges. Is he willing?

7. Will He Check The Health Of Your Marriage In The Future?: One critical aspect of trust is knowing that when your husband feels vulnerabilities in your marriage, he will give you the opportunity to address these issues before he cheats. This is an ongoing process that takes determination and attentiveness.

8. Will He Reassure You Even When You Push Him Away?: A husband who wants to rehabilitate his marriage needs determination. There will be days when you push him away to test him, even when you don’t mean to. You’re looking for him to fight for you at a time when you’re not at your best. Is he up for that?

9. Will He Built You Up As You Rebuild Your Self-Esteem?: No matter how confident you were going into this, most of us take a hit in self-confidence. We must do some self-work and confidence-building to get our swagger back. The last thing we need is a husband who questions or thwarts this. You need to know that he is okay with whatever is necessary in this regard. A husband who loves you wants you to feel fantastic about yourself.

10. Is There Anything Else?: I know this question is vague, but a husband knows when he has withheld an important detail. If such a detail exists, you need to know about it. So this last question is meant to help you avoid landmines that might sideline your recovery in the future. It is better to deal with them now than to find out about them later.

As someone who has recovered from an affair, these are the questions that I feel are most important, although everyone’s situation is different.  Ask the questions that are important to you. It is better to ask than to make up your own answers.  You can read about my own recovery at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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