Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch:  Back before there was all of this technology, none of us would have known what a “Facebook war” or a “texting war” was.  But when you find out that your husband has had an affair and you unleash your wrath on the other woman or mistress, you sometimes wish that you had never opened that can of worms or that you were still innocent about these types of “wars.”

Many people try to communicate with the other woman in the hopes that she will apologize or bow out gracefully.  This is rarely the case.  Today, it is not considered as socially unacceptable to be a mistress.  Look at all of the celebrities who got their husbands by cheating.  These couples are almost celebrated. So some “other women” are not really ashamed at all.  In fact, if you approach them with animosity or anger, they will come right back at you. And at that point, you might wonder how, or if, to stop the madness.

A wife might say: “honestly, I really wanted to have it out with the other woman face to face.  But every one told me that this was a bad idea, so I figured that I would text her instead.  This way, I could have my say but I figured that I could have control over this situation, especially if it was done via the written word.  I figured that I could just turn my phone off or ignore her if things got out of hand.  And I really wanted her to stop trying to contact my husband and to be sorry for what she did. Well, it turns out that I can’t just turn it off as easily as I thought.  She will say such nasty and awful things to me.  She will text me repeatedly throughout the day.  I have had to put my phone on vibrate.  Sometimes, she sends me picture of them together.  When she does this, I can’t help myself. I text her back and then the whole thing starts up all over again.  She has taken to posting on Facebook and messaging me constantly.  It’s as if she is determined that I can’t have a moment’s peace.  When I tell her that this needs to stop, she tells me that I am the one who started it. I find that it is almost like she feels justified in her horrific behavior and harassment because I am the one who started it.  Believe me, I wish that I had not started it.  And I don’t want to back down from her.  But this is taking a huge toll on me.”

I can imagine that it would.  As if there is not enough to process and deal with after an affair, you are now having to deal with this harassment.  Yes, it is unfortunate that you are the one who initiated the contact.  But now I think you have to be the one to end it.  Someone has to be an adult here.  And frankly, this is back and forth is doing nothing for your healing or in helping you to move on.  It is doing nothing but aggravating you and keeping you stuck.  And as long as you keep it going, she may feel justified in continuing on with it also.

You don’t mention what is happening with your marriage, but if you have any interest in saving it, continuing contact is the worst thing that you can do.  If you are trying to save your marriage, your goal is to get her out of your life and then to move on.  (This can be the goal even if you don’t care about your marriage, in fact.)  The text wars are keeping you from being able to do just that.

I would honestly tell her that you are not engaging anymore and then I would contact my carrier and have them block her phone number.  Yes, this will take some discipline and you may feel that it is keeping you from having the last word.  But honestly, your putting a stop to this is the last word.  I also think that it is possible to block and not view people on Facebook, also.  If she harasses you from a new number, block that one, too.

I think it’s wise to do whatever is necessary to keep her out of your life.  Sure, you started it, but she seems to feed off of it and enjoys keeping it going.  So don’t give her anything to work with anymore.  Shut her down.  Refuse to engage.  As we all know, texting can be addicting if there is a back and forth.  So don’t allow her to have that.  Once she is only engaging with herself, the whole thing will likely get old pretty quickly.

After this, turn your attention to where it belongs – on yourself and on your own healing.  She has no place in your life.  Don’t continue to let her in.  It will only cause more aggravation and prolong how long it takes to move on.

I admit that I was tempted to engage with the other woman.  But if I’m being honest, I hate conflict.  And I also knew that it would do no good and would likely give me mental images and aggravations that were impossible to erase.  Some days, it was so tempting to just give in.  But now that my marriage is reconciled and we are quite solid, I’m glad I didn’t give her any way into my life.   There’s more about my thought process during recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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