I Feel Like I’m Almost Having Withdrawal After The Affair
I sometimes hear from people who willingly ended their affair because deep down, they knew that this was the right thing to do. Many of them truly do want to save their marriages and to maintain their families. So, they are at peace with the decision to end things and they know that it was the correct path to take. But, they still struggle with feelings of loss and a sense of restlessness that they just can’t seem to shake. Many will tell you that this feeling is not about the other person in the affair. They often don’t miss the other person that much. But they DO miss the thrill of the affair. Many will describe losing this thrill as almost like going through withdrawal.
Someone might say, “I broke off my affair to save my family and I have absolutely no regrets. However, I find myself struggling. I do not want to say that I miss the other person because I really don’t. The relationship got to be a lot more trouble than it was worth. This is embarrassing to talk about, but what I really miss is the high that I got from getting away with something and with doing something on the sly. It brought a lot of excitement to my life that just wasn’t there otherwise. And now that it gone, life feels sort of ho hum. I do not regret ending things and I am content with my family. It’s just that I miss the high. I feel like I am going through withdrawal. How do I get over this?”
What you’re saying is not that uncommon. Many people dealing with this will try very hard to find a HEALTHY replacement for the excitement that you perceive is missing. I know someone who actually starting skydiving. I have heard of someone making weekly dates where they will allow themselves to be “picked up” by their spouse in a bar. I’ve actually had someone tell me that they found a replacement with volunteering or with traveling. No, that doesn’t feel risky, but it DOES feel good. And isn’t that what we are all looking for?
No matter what you choose to replace this feeling with, it’s important that you not give into the “withdrawal” and cheat again. Many spouses are not going to be willing to give a third chance. In other words, sometimes you get very lucky after an affair and you have a chance to save your family. But your spouse may not be so understanding the next time. Please do not leave yourself vulnerable to cheating again. Figure out what you need and find a HEALTHY way to provide it. Sometimes, this is finding a way to bring some healthy excitement into your life. Other times, it is just about feeling useful or worthy.
I’d like to give you one more thing to consider, if I may. Sometimes, people think that what they crave is excitement, but what they actually crave is a diversion. Sometimes, people cheat because there is something that is bothering them in their lives. But, they don’t want to face it. This thing could be aging, or a job, or a difficult family situation. There are many common issues that crop up in life that challenge us. But rather than facing this head on, we go looking for a diversion so that we can avoid having to face it. Often, an affair is nothing more than this type of diversion. I mention this because it’s helpful to ask yourself if you’re seeking diversion rather than excitement. If the high of the affair was a diversion, it’s very helpful to figure out what you were running from and then to address it. Because if you don’t, you’re going to be tempted to run from it again, which rarely gives you a good outcome.
I hope this article helps some. It’s not unusual to have feelings of withdrawal, but it’s vital to ask yourself why you’re feeling them and then to either address why you’ve been looking for a diversion or to find a healthy way to address the feeling that you seek. Many people have success with finding something that they can do with their spouse to get the feeling back. I’ve seen people take up scuba diving, motorcycle riding, and other thrill-seeking type hobbies. This gives them a mutual hobby with their spouse and helps to replace the feeling that might be missing. Also keep in mind that it takes 30 days to break any habit, so give yourself some time.
My husband and I developed new habits and rituals after his affair that brought us closer together and helped to prevent repeat cheating. You can read more at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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