My Affair Partner Ghosted Me
I recently heard from someone who was trying to figure out why their affair partner had “ghosted” them. The gist of the communication was something like this, “I have been seeing this married man for about three months. I thought that things were going wonderfully. We texted and emailed constantly and were able to actually see one another regularly. I honestly thought that I was falling in love with this man. I thought that we would be together for a very long time. Yes, I knew he was married, but it was obvious that he was not invested, as he had been spending so much time with me. And then, this Monday after an active weekend between us (we texted but didn’t see each other) he completely ghosted me. I would text and get no reply. I thought that maybe he was sick or got in an accident, since this is so unusual. I tried to check his social media and I am blocked on facebook and he made his instagram private but his wife’s instagram has a recent picture of them and he looks fine. I’ve checked my texts to see if I might have offended him in any way and I can’t see anything. We left things on a really positive note. And yet, I’ve tried to reach out to him so many times and I am being ignored. I am clearly blocked on social media. All of my other contacts can text me just fine. Why would he do this?”
I have to make an admission to you. As someone who isn’t actively dating, I had to look up what ghosting is. It’s been a long time since I’ve been in the dating world, and no one used the term “ghosting” then. I learned that most of the time, the term “ghosting” is used in casual dating where someone seems to just completely break off the relationship without having the courtesy of telling the other person about this. I agree that this appears to be what is happening here. It may feel differently to you because you did not see this relationship as casual or temporary. It meant something to you and you assumed that it meant something to him too. I understand that this must be disappointing, but, if it helps, I can speculate as to why this might have happened.
I am not sure that you did anything wrong. You’re probably right in your perception that the weekend went normally and that things ended well between you. But sometimes, people decide very abruptly and without warning to end an affair. I once had a man tell me that he was playing with his son and that when he looked into his son’s eyes, he realized that he was going to break off the affair that very day. There was nothing that the affair partner could have done about this. His mind was made up. Other people get caught having the affair, and once their family is in jeopardy, they do not even hesitate for an instant. They break off the affair at once. Along these same lines, sometimes the faithful spouse will dictate that there be no contact with the other person. Or the cheating spouse will decide on their own that nothing can be gained from continuing to be in contact with you.
Yes, it’s pretty low to not have the courtesy to tell you that the relationship is over, but he may have justified this by telling himself that an affair is not exactly a traditional relationship that goes by the rules of regular societal norms. I know that you are probably tempted to try to get him to talk to you in order to say whatever he needs to say to your face. But honestly, that rarely turns out well. Statistics tells us that he isn’t likely to change his mind (most people do not divorce due to an affair) and forcing contact is likely only to prolong the hurt. Him breaking it off to your face is just going to mean that the message is verbal instead of implied, but I think that regardless, the message has been given loud and clear.
I don’t really blame you for being angry at this lack of respect, but what can be done about it now? Wanting to save your family can be a very strong motivator to just walk away. If he has children, you have to understand what he might risk or lose in order to continue with the relationship. I know that it may not seem this way now, but often, women in your situation will eventually learn that they are better off finding a man who can be theirs and theirs alone. Which would you rather have?: A man who can truly be yours? Or a man who has to sneak around and then won’t even give you the courtesy of telling you when he’s done sneaking around because he wants to return to his family? I know that there are multiple sides to every story, but it doesn’t seem like there is a side to this story that has a positive outcome.
I personally would just take his message loud and clear and I’d look for a healthier relationship moving forward. I know that you invested your time and heart in this relationship, but he doesn’t appear to be available to give you what you want, so it’s likely best to find the person who is.
There’s more about my own experience at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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