Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Many spouses suspect their spouse of cheating before they actually catch him. Sometimes, there are both subtle and not-so-subtle clues along the way. Sometimes, the cheating spouse is actually caught early on, but he finds a way to convincingly explain himself. So while he may have already been cheating, the faithful spouse may only believe that she caught him in a flirtation or inappropriate behavior rather than a full-blown affair. Understandably, she will usually give him a warning and proclaim that although she can forgive the mistake, she can’t and won’t forgive a full-blown affair. Of course, when she catches him in exactly that, she know is at a crossroads. Does she make good on her threats, or re-evaluate?

She might recount a scenario like this one: “I actually caught my husband cheating on me months ago. But I did not know it at the time. Well, looking back, I may have known it deep down in my heart. But I wanted to give my husband the benefit of the doubt. And I wanted to be wrong. I wanted to believe that my marriage was okay. I caught my husband exchanging inappropriate photos with another woman. When I confronted him, he didn’t try to explain it away. He admitted to inappropriate behavior and to making a mistake. He said he was just being stupid and blowing off steam and that it didn’t mean anything. He begged me to forgive him. I told him that I could forgive this mistake – because it is honestly the first one my has husband made.  He had been a great husband up to this point. But I warned him that if I ever caught him cheating, I would never forgive. I watched him very closely. And I did not see any odd behavior which would give me pause. But later – I did catch him cheating. And he had to admit that he had been cheating all along with the same woman he was exchanging the photos with. I kicked him out immediately. I was very clear that there would be no forgiveness with this. He made some noise about being given another chance, but he ultimately left. A few months have gone by. He calls to check on me regularly. I am still shocked and angry, but I find myself relieved when he checks in. I find that, despite myself, I miss him. He has tried to explain what happened with the affair, but honestly, I haven’t wanted to hear it. I am not sure what I want. But now I feel stuck or trapped in my threat about never forgiving an affair. And I am not sure that I should tell him about my mixed feelings. I don’t want to give him hope that I might forgive him. I don’t know if I can. But I’m also afraid that he will think that there is no hope for us and move on. Do I have to stand firm on my threat to never forgive an affair?”

It Is Reasonable To Change Your Mind As Your Feelings Evolve: This is only my opinion, but I don’t believe that you need to box yourself in on anything. And the reason is that I made the exact same threat that I would never forgive infidelity. And ultimately, I ended up not only forgiving my husband but reconciling with him.

It is very common for your feelings to change along this journey. Because of this, I promised myself that I wouldn’t make any rash decisions about my marriage. I do have kids to consider. So I wasn’t going to blow up their family until I was sure that there was no hope of saving the marriage. In the early days of finding out about the affair, it certainly felt like there was absolutely no hope. And my husband did stay with family for a while. I stressed that I had no idea what was going to happen with us and that I just needed for him to give me plenty of time.

We did try to work on our relationship and remain cordial because of our kids. Even if we divorced, I did not want to be enemies. I wanted to have a harmonious family no matter what. As we made progress with this, I did become more open-minded about trying to reconcile our marriage, but I never committed to anything.

Things began to gradually improve and we began spending more time together. As the improvements built upon themselves, we did begin to do specific marriage-building to see if we could make any real progress. But I never really said anything like, “Okay, I’ve decided that maybe I can forgive you.” I just continued to open myself up when it felt right to do so and my husband continued to move forward as I allowed.

I know that this process may seem frustratingly uncertain. But your feelings and perceptions are going to change as you gather more information and as you watch your husband’s behaviors and actions going forward. That is why I just don’t think that you can follow through on either promises or threats until you give yourself plenty of time.

You Can Usually Move Forward Without Needing To Make Any Announcement Or Decision About Forgiveness: Since your husband is willingly touching base and checking in on you, I don’t think there is any harm of continuing in this way and perhaps gradually moving to seeing each other in person if this feels right. You’ve said he’s willing to explain the affair. That is a good start. But he will also need to be willing to fully rehabilitate. This is hard work, but it can be worth it.

Again, I don’t think you need to make any announcement – either to your husband or to yourself – that you may be open to the idea of forgiveness in the future. You have the right to wait and see how things progress. It is up to your husband as to whether he wants to wait as you evaluate. But as it was he who had the affair and it is his responsibility to begin to make this right, he should be willing to wait if he is at all still invested in your marriage.

What It Really Takes To Truly Forgive. In my own experience, you can WANT to forgive. You can have the intention to forgive. You can even proclaim that you forgive him. But to really feel at peace with this decision as you make it and beyond, you have to see his rehabilitated behaviors over and over again. You have to repeatedly see trustworthy behavior and hear truthful explanations. And all of this is going to take time to unfold. That is why you have every right to wait and see.

As I alluded to, we had a hard road at times, but I did forgive and we did rehabilitate our marriage.  If it helps, you are welcome to read more at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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