Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Believe it or not, some of the visitors to this blog are cheating spouses. Yes, I write from the perspective of the faithful spouse. But I’ve had cheating spouses tell me that some of my articles help provide them with perspective, as well as guidance on how to move forward. Sometimes, I hear from them, and one common complaint is that, although the faithful spouse is understandably hurt and angry, they have turned this hate and anger into very harsh treatment.

Someone might say, “My husband has every right to be angry at me for cheating. I have never been so sorry for anything in my entire life. I am at fault here. I admit it, and I take full responsibility for it. I understand that he might pull away from me and withhold affection as a result. I would even understand if he wanted to divorce me -although that isn’t what I want. But he hasn’t pursued a divorce or even a separation. Instead, he continues to live here but he punishes me by treating me terribly. Most of the time, he pretends that I am not even here. He will walk into a room and not even acknowledge me. He will plan an outing with the kids and he will not include me. When they ask why I’m not coming along, he will tell them that I feel unwell, even when this isn’t true. He told some of our mutual friends about the affair and many of them have told me that they don’t want to be friends anymore. I think that some of our neighbors know because they are looking at me funny now. I want my marriage back, so I feel like I just have to take this treatment. But will this last forever? Because I don’t want to live this way for the rest of my life. Before the affair, my husband treated me well. He did not deserve for me to cheat on him. However, his behavior now is not like him at all, which makes this hurt that much more.”

I know that it probably doesn’t make you feel any better, but this type of behavior is very common. I have to admit that I participated in it at times myself after my own husband’s affair. I like to think that I never took it to extremes, but my husband asked me more than once if he was sentenced to a lifetime of hateful, harsh treatment.

Understand Where The Behavior Is Coming From: I can only say that, at the time, I wanted him to feel the pain that I was feeling. I wanted him to feel the full consequences of his actions. When he was carrying out his cheating, he lied. He secretly went behind my back and betrayed me. Therefore, he certainly had not treated me how he always had. So I was not going to treat him how I always had, either. Thankfully, this did not last forever, or even for that long. Things changed as we began to heal.

Sometimes, Patience Matters: Many spouses in this situation tell me that they worry that their spouse will think that they are wimpy or weak if they don’t stand up for themselves or they just take this terrible treatment. I would never encourage anyone to endure abusive behavior. If it rises to this level, then you should not accept that. But, in my case, it was not abusive. It was just my anger driving my behavior. And my husband patiently took it because he knew that I would have never acted this way if he hadn’t cheated. And I believe that he knew that as we gradually worked on our relationship and went to counseling, this behavior would begin to fade, which it did.

I took note of his patience and it mattered to me. Over time, I had to admit that my husband hung in there and did everything that I asked. As a result, I began to feel guilty and remorseful about how I had treated him, and I began to drastically back off of my punishing behavior.

That didn’t mean that I wasn’t still angry or that I was in any way loving toward him. But I did begin to treat him with basic respect and courtesy. I began to realize that we would both need to abide by some basic ground rules if we wanted to make any progress. Those ground rules included complete transparency from him and an open mind from me.

The Anger Can Fade Once The Healing Starts: As my husband and I began to try to heal our marriage, I began to have a little bit of faith that we might actually come out on the other side of this. I saw him repeatedly come to the table despite my treatment. I saw him show up over and over again even though I’d rebuffed him. I saw him continue to be the loving, steady father he had always been.

Honestly, it was a relief when I began to let go of my anger. Being so angry and resentful all of the time was exhausting and soul-crushing. I WANTED to stop being angry. Your spouse may feel the same way, but people often are not willing to drop their anger until they feel safe to do so.

How To Show Your Spouse That It Is Safe To Drop Their Anger: It sounds like you have made a good start by taking responsibility for the affair. Another thing that you can do is to offer to go to counseling or to ask your spouse what he needs to begin to heal. The next time he lashes out, you might try something like, “I can hear your anger. And you have every right to be angry. But I know that we are both hurting and that neither of us wants to live this way forever. Please think about what you would need from me to move forward. I am willing to give you whatever you need. I am willing to do whatever it takes. Just tell me what I can do and I will do it. And I would ask that in return, you try to keep an open mind about me.”

Hopefully, your spouse will do exactly what. Then, make good on your promises. Show up. Do the work. As your spouse sees your willingness to do what is necessary to earn his trust back and restore your marriage, the anger should begin to fade and the terrible treatment should also abate.

I know that it is no fun to be in your shoes right now. But honestly, it is no fun to be the faithful spouse, either. It is very painful to process this type of betrayal. The good news is that things can definitely get better and this usually does not last forever. As tempting as it is, do not engage with your spouse and make it worse. Your best bet is to deflect and to ask for what you can do to help your spouse.

Hang in there. I know that this is no fun.  But your marriage can recover, if that is what you want.  If it helps, you can read about our recovery at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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