Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

One of the most common questions asked after an affair is, “Why would my spouse do this?” Many faithful spouses sincerely feel that they had a decent marriage. So they are often perplexed as to what would motivate someone who is otherwise a good person to betray them in such a terrible way. One reoccurring theory is that cheating is a learned behavior or based on the “nurture” side of the “nature versus nurture” debate. However, what happens when a spouse doesn’t have parents who cheated? What if he’s been influenced by outside forces that aren’t family? is this type of learned behavior possible? If so, what are the implications for this?”

Someone might say, “I honestly believe that my husband has been heavily influenced by a batch of new hires at his office. These men are younger than my husband and he is expected to mentor them. They go out on weekends, drink, and partake in risky behavior. Six months after meeting these people, I find out my husband has been having an affair. I strongly believe that had my husband never met these new ‘friends’ he never would have cheated on me. I know that having unfaithful parents makes a person more likely to cheat. But what about unfaithful friends? Does this also contribute to learned behavior? Also, in addition to my children, we have the son of one of my friends living with us. I worry about my kids growing up to be cheaters for obvious reasons. But what about my friend’s son? He’s not ours biologically, but he is growing up in our household. Is he also at risk of learning to cheat as a behavior?”

I believe what this wife is really asking is: Does the cheating behavior have to be committed by a blood relative for it to be a learned behavior?

Both Culture And Family Influence Behavior: There has been scientific research which indicates that children who see a parent cheat can be more likely to repeat that behavior (more on that later.) However, experts also agree that the culture which surrounds us at home and at work can have a profound impact on our own behavior. Even people who never intended to cheat can unknowingly change their own behaviors simply because they are exposed to cheating over time. When a culture accepts any undesirable behavior, that same behavior may be tempting because it is condoned. There can be an attitude of, “Everyone does it,” which minimizes a cheater’s guilt or hesitation.

Studies on Cheating Within Families: There have been at least three studies that looked at how parental infidelity affects children. Two college professors conducted three separate (and increasingly large) studies to examine this topic. Although the researchers did determine that a parent’s cheating increased the likelihood of a child repeating this pattern, the researchers stressed that it was the parents’ reactions to (and attitudes toward) the cheating which had the greatest impact.

Ideally, children should not know about infidelity. This is only my opinion, but it’s my belief that parents should keep their conversations about cheating to themselves. If you don’t expose your own children and your friend’s son to the existence of the cheating, then it potentially can’t affect them.

If for some reason they already know, it’s important to stress that no one condones this hurtful behavior. When the affair is minimized or celebrated, this makes the children more likely to mirror these behaviors.

Free Will And Avoidance: Perspective is important. Not every child who had a cheating parent will grow up to engage in infidelity. I know quite a few people who had unfaithful parents. Understandably, most of them have very strong negative feelings about cheating. And most vow that they would never cheat because they know the pain that this act inflicts on families.

Finally, even when a person sees others committing an act, that doesn’t mandate that everyone must join in. Adult human men can certainly make their own decisions because they are blessed with free will. Yes, influences from friends and family are real. Yes, these influences strengthen temptation. But many people turn away from that same temptation.

Where To Go From Here: How you move forward depends on what you want to happen with your marriage. Obviously, shielding the children from negative influences must be a top priority. And if you and your husband wish to save your marriage, that is doable. But your husband would likely have to limit or end his association with the cheating friends. He’s already proven that he cannot stand up to that temptation. If he is willing to do this, then that would be a good starting place.

But to answer the original question, yes, cheating can be a learned behavior. Children and adults who are immersed in a culture (whether at work or at home) that condones or celebrates cheating are more likely to cheat themselves.

The husband in this scenario had already “learned” the behavior. But the children hopefully had not, so their “learning” could definitely be prevented.

As for the husband, I believe that it may be possible for him to unlearn the behavior if he sees how hurtful and devastating it is to the woman he loves. He must understand that in no way were his actions okay, no matter who else was cheating. He must understand that giving in to a group mentality is in no way a valid excuse. He must be willing to admit to these outside influences and then limit his exposure to them.

And that is just for starters. However, the good news is that it is possible to heal infidelity if you want to.  You can read about how I did this in my own marriage at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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