Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

In some cases, women dealing with a husband who had a long term affair can struggle more than wives of husbands who had a one night stand. There are many theories as to why. One is that since the husband maintained the relationship for so long, there must be genuine and strong feelings involved. Another is that a long term affair is going to be nearly impossible to overcome since the husband has demonstrated that he is not willing to let go. Many wives struggle to understand why he would participate in both the marriage and the affair for so long. If the affair were so important, why not just pursue a divorce?

A wife might say, “I honestly do not understand why my husband has carried out a long-term affair. I was shocked to find out that he was cheating on me. I was even more shocked to find out that he has been seeing this woman for almost two years. He claims that he will end the affair. After two years? I do not buy this at all. He claims that he just kept the relationship going because it became a habit. And since I didn’t suspect anything, it was easier to just continue rather than to risk the other woman coming forward. He says that he is committed to our marriage, but his claim makes no sense. What are some reasons for a long term affair?”

I will provide several possible reasons, but first I want to stress that an affair that lasts for longer than a year is relatively rare. However, this rarity doesn’t necessarily mean that it is going to last. Less than five percent of all affairs end with the affair partners getting married. And, the divorce rate for a marriage that started as an affair is much higher than that of regular marriages. However, the fact that the odds are stacked against them doesn’t lessen your pain and confusion. I completely understand your desire for answers, so here are some possibilities.

They Have Some History: It’s not uncommon for me to hear about a long-term affair where the other woman is an ex-girlfriend or first love. In the age of social media, it’s actually quite common for this rekindled relationship to begin innocently via social media messaging. However, benign communications can eventually morph into flirting and then a full-blown affair. Spouses who are approaching midlife are particularly vulnerable to this. Someone who remembers them as young and carefree can be an attractive distraction to the difficulties of mid-life.

Sometimes, the affair partners will try to convince themselves that they are getting a second chance or that they just “can’t quit” the other person. This is just another example of someone attempting to justify what they know is wrong.

This dynamic can also happen with long-term co-workers. The spouse may have known the other person for so long that he comes to believe that she knows him just as well as his wife.

The Affair Is “Safe:” Another common scenario is that both affair partners are married and perhaps have families. Both can be very clear that they have no intention or desire to leave their marriages. Often, affairs lose their luster when one party begins to place demands on the other. At that point, the affair isn’t a fun escape anymore. But if there is a firm understanding that nothing is ever going to change with either person’s marriage, then there is not as much pressure to end the affair.

In fact, both partners may actually be quite content in their marriages. So they are enjoying all of the benefits of being within a stable, loving family while carrying on both relationships. Much of the time, they feel secure enough that the “secret” of the affair is safe. So they can continue on.

The Affair Partner May Have Made Threats: It’s not uncommon to hear of someone who stayed in the affair out of fear. Sometimes, one person tries to end the affair, while the other threatens to go public out of retaliation. In essence, one affair partner is subtly blackmailing the other to keep the relationship going. Another possibility is that while one person tries to end the affair, the other has some sort of emotional breakdown which causes guilt and delays the breakup.

They May Fool Themselves Into Thinking There Is A Future: Some people tell themselves that they have true feelings for their affair partner and that they will be together “when the time is right.” This “right time” may occur when children become adults, when finances permit, or when the faithful spouse ends the marriage willingly. However, these fantasies about the future are usually just wishful thinking and meant to keep the affair going. Very few of these couples actually end up together.

They May Believe That They Care Equally For Their Spouse And Their Affair Partner: Some cheating spouses convince themselves that they can’t yet make a decision. They sincerely believe that they care for both people. So they delay a decision, hoping that the right path will become evident eventually or will just happen by magic.

They May Just Not Want To Make A Decision: Many people who have affairs are passive when it comes to their relationships. I know that this is a confusing phrase, but hear me out. I like to think that if I were even slightly tempted to have an affair, I would approach my spouse first. However, people who have affairs do not do this. Instead, they passive-aggressively try to solve their problems with someone else. Therefore, they have proven that they are not good at facing a problem head-on and making a firm decision. The same can be true of ending an affair. It may seem easier to do nothing and hope that the affair comes to a natural end.

The Cheating Spouse Is Not The Only Person Who Can Make Decisions: From my own painful experience, I know it can feel as if the person who had the affair gets to call all the shots. They got to have the affair, and now the faithful spouse has to wait while this resolves. But you can certainly make demands moving forward. Assuming that you may still want to pursue your marriage, you can demand that the affair cease immediately, including every shred of contact.

Then, you can consider what you need from your husband moving forward. I suspect that you are going to need quite a lot. And that’s for him to even have a chance at your consideration.

Recovery from an affair can be a long, difficult path. I know that it is possible because I have done it.  (You can read about that here) But recovery from a long term affair has its own set of challenges. Part of overcoming them is understanding why the affair lasted as long as it did. Your spouse must be honest with you about this. If he does not understand himself, counseling and self-help may help him to discover his thought process, but he eventually must fully understand it so that this doesn’t happen again.

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