Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Many wives struggling to deal with infidelity wish they could get their husbands to think (and act) in a certain way. Struggling to process the fact that your husband has betrayed you is already a huge uphill battle. But having a husband who acts as if he’s suffered no fallout from his actions is doubly difficult. Many wives are already filled with resentment because of his behavior. Add his apparent lack of remorse and accountability, and the situation seems almost unworkable – at least initially.

Understandably, many wives want to figure out a way to “make” or “get” their husbands to feel (and then act) a certain way. They want to figure out a way to inspire him to show sorrow, remorse, or accountability. Better yet, they’d like to get him to demonstrate some affection to restore some of their dignity and self-esteem.

One of these wives might say, “I caught my husband cheating on me with a younger woman. When I try to talk to him to get details as to why he might have done this when we both feel that we had a good marriage, he acts as if the reason is obvious. It’s as if he thinks it is self-evident why an older man would cheat with a younger woman when the opportunity presented itself. He hasn’t yet given me a heartfelt apology in which I can actually believe. He’s said he was sorry, but it wasn’t sincere at all. I want him to feel dreadfully horrible about what he did. I want the for guilt to weigh him down. I want him to feel compelled to fall over himself to express his love for me so that I don’t walk out on him. But he has done none of these things. What can I do to make him feel what I want him to feel? I want him to feel guilt, remorse, and affection. And I want him to demonstrate these feelings out in the open. How can I bring these emotions about?”

Try To Avoid The Most Common Mistake: I have a definite opinion on this because I too tried to “make” my husband feel and then demonstrate all of the things that I desperately needed to see. And I wasn’t very unique in my approach. I did what most wives attempt to do. I tried to demonstrate how angry and damaged I was due to his behavior. I tried to make him feel guilty about what he did to us. I laid it on as thickly as I could. And I didn’t get the result that I wanted. His initial inclination was to defend himself, and to downplay the effects his behavior caused. In the beginning, he wanted to argue that none of this was quite as dire as I was trying to portray.

And while his response was maddening, it was very common. It is human nature to participate in self-preservation when you feel attacked. No one wants to feel as if their behavior is unredeemable. No one wants to feel like the constant bad guy. As a result, these husbands will often attempt to defend themselves – which puts you on opposite sides. And this is very far from what you actually want.

Don’t Give Him An Easy Way To Justify His Behavior: To not feel badly about himself, a cheating husband must, at least in some way, attempt to justify his behavior. And admittedly, it can be very difficult to justify cheating. But it’s easier when your wife is a nag who is always out to bring you down. Always keep in mind that cheating husbands who have recently been caught are commonly looking for a sound reason for their behavior. And the easiest cop-out is to turn the tables on you. Don’t make this overly easy on him as I did. Instead, try your best to conduct yourself in a way that is above reproach. I’m NOT saying that you have to pretend like his behavior is okay. It’s obviously not. But it helps to remain as calm as you can. I know that this is a tall order. But don’t make it easy for him to see you as the aggressor. Don’t make it easy for him to think, “no wonder I was driven to cheat on her.” Instead, you want him to wonder why in the world he would make the grave mistake of cheating on you.

You Can’t Make Him Feel What You Want Him To Feel, But You Can Certainly Encourage The Desired Feelings By Shifting Your Focus: You may have already started to suspect that you can’t make a husband feel what you want him to. In fact, he often has a very strong motivator to resist your attempts to make him feel awful about himself (self-preservation.) But you can encourage the feelings you want to see.

You must understand that he must see you favorably to feel affection for you and in turn, to feel guilt for hurting you. And he may shut down that affection when you constantly tell him what an awful person he is. This is why you hold your head up high and you play up the “disappointment” rather than the outright hatred or fury.

I know that this is a challenge and that what I’m asking may seem impossible right now. But remember the end goal. Try to pause if you feel yourself losing control. There’s nothing wrong with momentarily leaving the room rather than allowing things to deteriorate to the point of no return.

He will often feel protective of you when he sees your pain, while he’ll be more defensive when he sees your fury. Try to show him what you want him to see.

Please know I’m not in any way implying that you don’t have a right to your anger and outrage. You do. But if you unleash it all at once, you lessen your chance to inspire the feelings from him that you want. Ask yourself what would make you feel affection and guilt if you were in his shoes?

Chances are you’d be more likely to feel it if you could see his pain and vulnerability rather than his hatred and fury. Always keep this in mind. I know you’re juggling many competing thoughts right now.  But try to conduct yourself in a way that inspires empathy rather than defensiveness.  I didn’t always do this perfectly, but I was aware that is was necessary.  You can read the the whole story at https://surviving-the-affair.com  

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