Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes get emails from wives who feel as if they have lost the battle to keep their husband after his affair. Sometimes, he is not willing to give the other woman up and he believes that he will be happier if he leaves his wife and moves in the with her.

I recently heard from a wife who said: “my husband has been having an eight month affair with a woman from his work. At first, he told me he would end things with her and try to save our marriage. But eventually, it became quite obvious that he wasn’t giving her up. He would still call, text, and email her and he would cover his tracks so badly that I don’t think he cared in the least if I found out. Eventually I confronted him and he admitted that he just wasn’t sure which of us he really wanted. He told me that although he wanted me too, he just couldn’t stay away from her. Last week, he came home and announced that he couldn’t live a lie anymore so he was going to move out and go to live with her. I am just beside myself because it looks like he has made his choice. I am sure that this is the beginning of the end of our marriage and eventually he will distance himself from our kids and be more of a father to her kids than his own. This whole thing makes me sick. What can I do? Do I just have to accept this?”

You don’t have to accept it forever but you may have to take a long term rather than a short term strategy if you want to eventually change the situation. I’m not going to tell you that it’s impossible to talk him out of going to live with her, but this strategy often has a lower success rate because there’s often a point in the beginning where he truly believes that he’s in love with and can’t live without her. There is little that you can do at the time to make him think otherwise, unfortunately. And even when you are successful, he can be resentful if he thinks that you are keeping him from her. It can also make her seem even more forbidden and therefore attractive and desirable.

Decisions That Have To Be Made When He’s Moving Out To Be With The Other Woman: Many wives in this situation are still very sure that they still want to be with their husband once he realizes how wrong he is. And some women are not sure if they are going to wait around for him to come back because the betrayal is just too deep. It is one situation to have an affair and then decide pretty quickly to end things completely because you want to save your marriage. But it is an entirely different situation when he can’t seem to let her go and goes so far as to move in with her.

I can’t tell you which way to go or respond. So much of this depends upon how you still feel for him and how stubborn you are about saving your marriage. I can tell you that if you are one of those women who somewhere deep inside harbors hope you for your marriage, you are not alone and your feelings are absolutely understandable. And I can tell you that there are a good many men who move out to be with the other woman only to come home with their tail between their legs some time later.

See, sometimes it takes him the experience of it blowing up in his face for him to see where he belongs and who he belongs with. And frankly, sometimes this works out to your benefit because he can’t deny just how deeply he has messed things up, which puts you in a better position in the long run. It is not at all uncommon for a man to see just who the other woman is once he lives with her. And guess what? That forbidden and wrong relationship is suddenly official and out in the open so it’s just not quite as exciting anymore. Not only that, but the other woman sort of moves into the “lady of the house” position which frankly can make her seem less attractive some of the time.

Whether this means that you will be willing to take him back once he’s ready to come home, well, only you can make that decision. There are plenty of marriages that make it under these circumstances, but the ones that do often get some sort of help to see them through. There will be a lot of damage that needs to be undone. You can’t just pretend as if she never existed or that your marriage is exactly the same. It will likely take a good deal of work and it may be downright painful and awkward in the beginning. But for those willing to walk through these difficulties, often a stronger marriage is the result, although these results do not often come easily or quickly.

And, while he’s away and living with someone else, my best advice would be to focus on yourself. Do not constantly check in or try to make him come back and feel guilty. Make him believe that you are moving on with your life and that you are attractive and self respecting enough to live that life without him. He doesn’t have to know that you might one day have a contingency plan that may or may not include him. But picking yourself up and living your life will help to make things bearable while he is gone, it will give you a head start with your life should this process take longer than you anticipated, and it will put you in a better position with him because he will see that you are not at home just awaiting his return. Because when you are, he really has no incentive to make a decision or to make a move.

I do understand that this is a really painful time. But it really is possible for things to improve with time. After my husband’s affair, I could not envision a time where I wasn’t hurt beyond belief, but a couple of years later, here we are still married and pretty darn happy. It wasn’t always an easy process, but we made it through. If it helps you’re welcome to read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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