Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch:  As strange as it may sound, wives who are dealing with a husband’s affair can actually feel quite a bit of guilt.  They can feel guilty that they didn’t see the signs of an affair.  They might feel guilty that their marriage wasn’t perfect.  They might feel bad that they have a husband who felt he needed to cheat.  Or, a bit more surprising, they may feel guilty when they stand by that same husband.

One might explain, “I have always prided myself on being a strong, independent woman.  I have tried to teach my daughters this lesson also.  Many of my friends have these same attributes. I have always thought that if a man ever cheated on me, I would not hesitate in leaving the relationship immediately.  And I did kick my husband out of the house when I found out about the affair.  He is not living here.  I don’t know if we will ultimately divorce.  But right now, I have told him that if he makes a serious effort to clean himself up and figure out why he behaved this way, I will consider a reconciliation, assuming that I will one day feel loving toward and trusting of him again.  One of the reasons for this is that his mother is a widow and she has been dealing with dementia.  This has been extremely hard on my husband and I can’t just abandon him.  I am also thinking about our family.  I do not want my kids to grow up in a single parent home.  When I say it this way, I feel justified in it.  But later, when I think that I am a strong, independent woman who is staying with a cheating husband, I don’t feel so good about it.  In fact, I feel guilty, as if I’ve created a separate standard just for myself.  I also feel like I’ve allowed my husband to prey on my sympathies, which makes me feel a bit ashamed.   At the same time, I’m not ready to walk out on my life.  Why do I feel so guilty?  Will the guilt stop?”

I understand how you feel.  I also felt some guilt when I was considering allowing my husband “an in” with me.  However, I must also admit that I felt just as much guilt when I considered what a divorce might mean for my kids.  I do not think that there is any perfect answer.  I suspect that there might be uncertainty and negative feelings, no matter which route you take.

Misplaced Guilt At Not Practicing What You Preach:  For me, much of my guilt came because I knew in my heart that I was not following up on all the threats I’d made over the years.  During the course of our marriage, we saw friends and other family members go through infidelity.  I would always comment that if cheating happened in our marriage, this would be an absolute deal breaker.  So when I waffled on this, it felt like I was letting myself down.  I wasn’t upholding the claims I’d always made.  That’s hurtful.  However, I eventually came to realize that in other areas of my life, I had made exceptions for those I loved.

In truth, I’ve made threats to my kids about certain behaviors and I have shown flexibility when there were other factors to consider.  I took into account whether the child learned from their mistakes, was sincerely sorry, and took responsibility for his actions.  Yet, when it came to my husband, I was claiming that he didn’t deserve the same courtesy.  Certainly, I’ve made grave mistakes in my marriage.  Granted, they had not been as serious as infidelity, but my husband has always met my mistakes with understanding and patience.   It did seem hypocritical to just draw a line in the sand without giving him a chance.

Alleviating Some Guilt By Not Making Any Concrete Promises:  One way that I tried to alleviate some of my guilt was that I told my husband that I would spend time with him in order to consider being open to a reconciliation.  However, I never gave him any promises or commitment.  I told him that I was willing to listen to what he had to say, to watch as he attempted rehabilitation, and to attend any of his counseling sessions where I was needed.  I did all of these things.  However, if at any point my husband didn’t make good on his promises, then I would not have felt compelled to continue on that path.  I could have bowed out at any time and I likely would have if he did not commit to becoming the trustworthy, rehabilitated husband that he claimed he’d be.

Doing The Best That You Can:  At the end of the day, I decided to give myself a break and to do as much self-work as possible.  I figured that if I could restore my self-esteem, I might feel less guilt and I was mostly right.  Yes, I wish my husband had never cheated.  I would have given anything for that.  But I couldn’t change that.  So all I could do was try to learn something – about myself, my marriage, my husband, and my family.   In many ways, we did make improvements to our lives as a result.  We worked hard to make our hopes a reality. Because of that, I did eventually feel more comfortable with reconciliation and I decided that I wasn’t going to apologize for trying to save my family and for hesitating to throw away a man who had a been a good husband and father until he made one huge, hurtful mistake.

Infidelity is never a good situation.  There will always be difficult choices and negative feelings.  But as much as you can, give yourself a pass.  You are doing the best that you can.  You can and should watch closely before you make any commitments or fully reconcile.  But I also understand wanting to be open to the possibility of reconciliation.  I don’t think that you need to feel extreme guilt for that.  It’s normal to want the chance to heal and to make things right.  No guilt required. You can read more about my own struggles during recovery here: http://surviving-the-affair.com

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