Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Many people who are trying to recover from an affair notice that they and their spouse see the events quite differently. The cheating spouse may be very remorseful for his actions, but if you’re dealing with a husband, you will often get reassurances that the affair was not an emotional one or that he was not in love. He will say this as if it makes all of the difference in the world, as if a line in the sand has not been crossed and, therefore, it is possible to move on.

However, if the spouse in the same scenario is a wife, you are theoretically less likely to get such casual and fleeting attitude about the affair. That’s because men and women CAN sometimes have different attitudes about an affair and these differences can affect both the way that each spouse carries out affairs and also reacts to the discovery of an affair in their own marriage. These differences can also greatly affect the ability to recover.

Emotional Vs Sexual Infidelity And What Hurts The Most: What I am about to say might be stereotypical or may even appear to be sexist, but countless psychological studies bear this out. When a spouse has an affair, a husband is more likely to be deeply wounded about sexual infidelity while a wife is more likely to be deeply wounded by emotional infidelity. Statistically speaking, a husband would have an easier time moving on if his wife had a more emotional type of affair, while a wife could handle physical infidelity a little more easily. Now, this is not true of everyone, but statistics do show trends.

Compartmentalization And The Seeking Of Emotional Fulfillment: Likewise, statistics show that when participating in an affair, men are much more likely to be able to compartmentalize their lives. A married man who cheats often maintains a good sex life with his wife and will tell you that he is happily married since the affair is merely a physical distraction. He may well simply want variety or an ego boost. He is less likely to be having an affair in search of a long-term relationship. More likely, he wants to have the affair and then return right back to his marriage as though nothing happened.

In contrast, wives who cheat are more likely to be unfulfilled in their marriage, even if they have no intention of leaving it. For many women, they can’t enjoy sex without an emotional connection. Therefore if they are going to cheat with someone, they are more likely to be emotionally invested. That is why faithful wives are always concerned that the other woman won’t want to let go. Women do have a higher chance of becoming emotionally involved than men.

Understanding Parental Obligations As A Reason For Differing Reactions: So why are men so concerned about sexual infidelity? Scientists tell us that this tendency goes back to parental certainty. Men want to be sure that their offspring are actually theirs and that they aren’t taking responsibility for someone else’s offspring.

Yes, I realize that we are talking about something that was important in the Middle Ages when people needed true heirs, but the instinct is apparently still ingrained within us because faithful wives CAN be extremely concerned and have trouble moving on after the affair for the very same reason – she wants to ensure the success of her family. When he husband is sniffing around (and theoretically might care for) another woman, what does this mean for the wife’s security, her future, and the future of her children?

This is another reason why it is so difficult for women to have casual affairs. An unplanned pregnancy or taking on another child means tons more work and commitment to women. They are the ones who have to deal with a pregnancy, and they are the ones who will have to care for that child for the rest of its life. Men can theoretically pay money and be off the hook. This is not true of women.

Reactions Vary: With all the above said, none of this means that all husbands are going to pursue non-emotional affairs while all wives will pursue non-physical ones. Everyone and every affair can be individual. And just because our gender may make us more likely to react in a certain way, this doesn’t excuse our spouse or mean that we must react to someone else’s timetable. Although this information can explain our spouse’s reactions, everyone is entitled to their own reaction and to their own desired outcome.

Why Understanding These Differences Is Helpful In Recovery: Many wives are highly offended by a husband’s seemingly flippant attitude. They doubt his claims that he didn’t feel all that much for the other woman. This is partly due to the fact that the wife simply couldn’t act this way. If she were going to cheat, she would very likely feel something. So she simply can not put herself in her husband’s shoes. Her feelings, and therefore her behavior, would be completely different. This is where understanding the different perceptions of men and women can be somewhat helpful. It can allow wives to finally believe that their husband may actually be telling the truth.

Likewise, a husband who is dealing with a wife who had emotional feelings needn’t think that there was something hugely special about the other man. That’s just how affairs generally need to work for women. It doesn’t necessarily mean that the wife had (or wants to continue) a red-hot love affair. Sure, she may have felt that at the time, but if there is one universal truth for both men and women who have affairs, it is that most end up regretting it and end up perceiving things very differently once the affair is over. In short, it is often in hindsight that they realize how silly they acted and what a huge mistake they made.

At least this was the case with my husband, thankfully.  You’re welcome to read about how we finally recovered after his affair at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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