Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

No matter what the status of your mental health or thought process was before your husband’s affair, chances are you are going to notice significant changes after it. One example that some wives experience is obsessive thinking or intrusive negative thoughts.

A wife might explain, “I’ve always been pretty strong mentally, but since I have been struggling to come to terms with my husband’s affair, my thought process concerns me. I have been having what I believe are obsessive thoughts. I saw my husband with the other woman. Between this and other bits and pieces of information that I have pried out of my husband, I have developed mental images of the affair. Honestly, I don’t even know if these images are accurate, but I can’t get them out of my head. For example, I will be sitting at breakfast and all of a sudden, I will think about the tennis shoes the other woman was wearing when I saw her. Then for probably an hour after this, I will continue to dwell on those shoes. Sometimes, the images are not even focused on her or my husband. Last night, I saw images of myself in the future. I was alone and sad. I looked haggard. So for several hours afterward, I dwelled on that sorry thought. Once these images invade, I become very unproductive. I can think of little else. Then I start going over the affair again. Or I ask my husband the same old questions. How can I stop these obsessive thoughts? Is this normal?”

I believe that it is totally normal. I had similar thoughts. I believe that many faithful wives go through this. I am not a counselor. And I would encourage you to see one if it would help. But I will share what helped me to move past the intrusive thoughts.

Acknowledge Them: Your first instinct may be to try to turn the thoughts off or to deny their existence. After all, these ruminations have negative consequences that can range from mild to debilitating. Worse, they are often are paired with painful self-judgments. However, pretending that they don’t exist isn’t effective, either. The harder you try to deny them, the stronger they become. So, acknowledge them, but know that the thoughts themselves have no real consequences until you react to them.

Write Them Down And Look For Patterns: It would be wonderful if we could stop the thoughts in their tracks. But, as you’ve seen, you can’t. You have no control over how or when the thoughts will make their presence known. However, what you can control is your reaction to them. Rather than just spinning your wheels and being very unproductive after receiving them, start writing them down. This is more effective than trying to chase them away. Then try to find clues for what you’re truly worried about. For example, the shoes and the images of you alone might show that you’re worried the other woman or the affair will take away your bright future. When you see patterns, you’ve identified an area you still need to work through.

Address Your True Worries: Once you’ve found the patterns discussed above and you have a good handle on what’s really worrying you, challenge everything. Using the example above, who says the affair means you can’t have a bright future? You are not divorced. You may well heal your marriage. And even if you don’t, who says that you will be alone? The future may hold many wonderful surprises for you. If you’re feeling that the other woman has some attributes that you don’t, challenge this assumption. No one is perfect. Every human being has challenges and flaws. The other woman is no exception. Besides, you have no control whatsoever over her attributes or flaws. But, you have complete control over your own, which leads me to my next point.

Turn Negative, Obsessive Thoughts Into Positive, Targeted Actions: Once I got very tired of my own intrusive thoughts, I made a rule for myself. For every negative thought, I would take positive action. I learned to use negative thoughts as a call to get up and do something. So I was able to flip the script. Instead of dreading the thoughts, I began to see them as a call for self-care or self-improvement. Sometimes I would go for a run when the thoughts hit me hard. Or I’d call a friend and get out of the house. Do whatever is necessary to take positive action to stop the cycle of negativity.

Learn To Focus Your Mind: With practice, you can learn to focus on alternative thoughts. I still stink at meditation. However, I have learned to respond by bringing my mind back to the positive. Yes, I have to constantly re-direct myself. But this is better than just allowing the obsessive thoughts to take over. There are countless wonderful and free meditation apps. Try a couple the next time the thoughts show up.

Know That The Thoughts Are Likely Temporary: It may help to know that I rarely have intrusive thoughts anymore. As I healed, they showed up less and less. When the affair is fresh, your brain is struggling to make sense of it all and may go into overdrive. However, as you heal and begin to put much of the fallout behind you, your brain, and the obsessive thoughts, should calm down.

If you need more reassurance, you can read my blog about how I healed after my husband’s affair here: http://surviving-the-affair.com

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