Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch:  Believe it or not, many people express a sense of relief when the affair ends.  Sometimes, the intensity of the affair is very exciting at first, but it becomes troublesome as time goes on, especially if the affair partner clings too tightly or almost becomes obsessive.  So it can be a huge relief to finally realize that the relationship was unhealthy and to go ahead and end it.

However, sometimes this relief is short-lived because, no matter how careful you are about how you end it, your affair partner can refuse to believe or accept it.  This can cause serious problems with your reconciliation (if that is the route you are pursuing,) and can make you wonder how to get your point across.

Someone might explain: “if I’m being honest, I have to admit that the other man came along in my life at a time when I truly needed someone.  My husband had cheated on me the year before and my self esteem was at an all time low. So when a very good-looking and younger man paid attention to me, I ate it up.  I was very receptive.  I needed it.  My husband had been trying to tell me that I was still attractive, etc., but I didn’t believe it coming from him. I was very willing to hear it from another man, though.  And not too long after that, we started having an affair.  Five years ago, I would have never believed that I would have cheated.  But frankly, I no longer had any qualms about it since my husband had cheated on me.  At first, I was actually quite happy.  The other man could not compliment me enough.  He was extremely attentive and sweet.  But over time, he began to get somewhat possessive.  If I had to do things with my family (like holidays or special occasions,) he became quite jealous and would actually text me repeatedly when he knew that I was with my family.  He started becoming a bit of a pain.  I tried to slow things down, but he wasn’t having it.  Finally, I decided that this was no longer worth it.  I told my husband everything and I broke off the affair.  My husband was understanding.  How could he not be, since he himself cheated?  However, the other man was not understanding. He keeps texting.  He has even called.  He has told me that maybe he just needs to have a face-to-face talk with my husband.  Obviously, I want to avoid this.  But he is not taking no for an answer.  He’s saying he loves me and that he knows that I will eventually regret giving him up.  I’ve made my decision. And the way that he is acting only reinforces that it was the right decision.  But how do I make him see that?”

Be Careful Not To Fall Into The Trap Of Giving The Affair Partner What They Want: This is tricky.  It’s tempting to just keep repeating your message in the hopes that at some point he will hear the message and be forced to accept it.  But when you do this, you are actually giving him exactly what he wants – more of your time and attention.  So long as you’ve been clear that it is definitely over and you are not going to change your mind, there is really no reason to keep hashing it out over and over again.

It’s my observation that people keep going back to the well only when there is a pay off.  If all they get is silence and are basically being ignored, there is no longer any pay off so there is no longer any reason to engage.  Now, sometimes you may have to change your phone numbers and emails in order to be able to not provide any pay off.  (And if you think that there is a really a chance that he will come by and see your husband, then you probably need to warn your husband about this and to put safeguards in place.)

Plus, if you think that there is any chance that he will be a threat in any way, then you need to take action to keep yourself (and your family) safe.  Only you can evaluate the need for this.

Ending Any Pay Off: It’s not unusual for an affair partner to have problems accepting your decision to end it.  Even if you’ve been clear on the fact that you didn’t intend to end your marriage because of the affair, the affair partner can still feel as if they are owed something because of their investment in time and emotions.  And they may try to make you feel guilty or ashamed because of this.  It’s best to stand you ground, make sure that you were clear, and then do not give them any pay off that would make them want to continue.  If all they hear is silence for their efforts, then what is the point of continuing?

We’ve all been in relationships that have ended and then had a hard time accepting it because we were hurt.  But most of us eventually move on because we would be wasting our time otherwise.  The key is the realization that continuing to put in time and effort is a waste of time.  And that is where not providing any pay off is key.

Thankfully, the other woman in my case high-tailed it out of my life.  But we had other issues that needed to be dealt with. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I get why this feels suspicious. I really do. It sounds like a cop-out. Like something someone would say to avoid the hard stuff. But in some cases? I actually believe it is possible.

Sometimes, men don’t fully understand what led them to cheat. That doesn’t mean they aren’t responsible for it. And it certainly doesn’t mean they get a free pass. But not everyone is super self-aware or able to explain their actions clearly—especially when they’re reacting to feelings they’ve been avoiding for a long time.

In fact, some men cheat as a way of escaping emotions they don’t want to face. They might feel angry, disconnected, resentful, insecure, or even depressed—and not fully realize it. And rather than talk it through or even sit with it, they push those feelings down. They pretend they’re fine. Until suddenly, they’re not.

Cheating can be one of those impulsive, self-destructive responses to feelings they’ve buried so deep they barely know they’re there. When that happens, it can feel, to them, like it came out of nowhere.

Now, again, I’m not saying that’s okay. I’m not saying you have to just accept it. But it does help explain how someone who seems like a decent, loving spouse can do something so wildly out of character—and then sit there, dumbfounded, when asked to explain it.

Can He Really Love You and Still Cheat?: This is the second question I get all the time. And again—while I can’t speak for every man out there—I’ll say this: yes, I think it’s possible.

Love doesn’t always stop people from making huge mistakes. I’ve heard from countless husbands who were devastated after an affair—not because they were caught, but because they realized how much they’d risked. Many of them did love their wives. And many of them didn’t want to leave.

So if your husband says he loves you and didn’t cheat because he fell out of love, he might be telling the truth. Sometimes cheating has less to do with you and more to do with him. His self-worth. His stress. His need for validation or escape. None of that excuses what he did, but it might help explain why someone who does love you still did something that broke your heart.

The Reasons Men Cheat Can Be Complicated (And Vary Widely): It would be easier if there were a single, straightforward answer. But there isn’t. Some men cheat because they’re unhappy in their marriage. Others cheat even when things at home are good. Some do it because they’re overwhelmed, others because they feel ignored, and some because of nothing more than poor impulse control and an opportunity that presented itself.

And yes—sometimes there is a deeper issue. One that they haven’t processed. One that might only come out with counseling or self-reflection. That’s why I often tell wives: if you keep hearing “I don’t know,” it might not mean he’s lying. But it could mean he hasn’t done the work to find out yet.

And that matters—because if he doesn’t figure out what led to the affair, it’s hard to know whether it will happen again.

What Now? What Should You Do Next?: First, know this: you are absolutely right to want answers. You’re not overreacting. You’re not being unreasonable. You’re trying to protect yourself—and your relationship—and that makes perfect sense.

If he truly doesn’t know why he cheated, that doesn’t mean the conversation stops there. It just means it might be the starting point, not the end.

Encourage counseling if it’s something you are both open to—both for him individually and for you as a couple. If not, there is some excellent self-help. And I used some of it.

And while he does that work, you can focus on your own healing. You can love someone and still protect yourself. You can grieve what happened and still hope for something better.

I’ve been there myself. I know how impossible it feels at first. But I also know how much clarity and strength can come with time, effort, and the right support. Today, my marriage is stronger than I ever thought it could be. But not because we swept it all under the rug. We faced it—one hard truth at a time.

If you want to read more about how I got through it, you can check out my personal story at http://surviving-the-affair.com.

Just remember: you’re not alone. And no matter what he says—or doesn’t say—you get to decide what happens next.

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who are quite confused. Often, after much soul searching and a good deal of effort, they have decided not to automatically turn their back on their cheating husband. Many figure that he will be extremely relieved about this and therefore extremely willing to show his affection and to rebuild their marriage. Instead, the wives are often shocked and disappointed that the husband is not showing any physical affection. Instead, he seems to be avoiding touch. This can leave the wife feeling not only confused but also quite rejected.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband cheated on me with one of his coworkers. I found out about it because one of my friends works at the same company and she could not help but notice that they were acting inappropriately and were together far too much. Once I confronted my husband with my friend’s concerns, he eventually confessed. He agreed to stop working with her and to cut off all contact. And I agreed to try my best to move past this. I thought that we were off to a decent start but now I’m not so sure. It’s been four weeks since I found out and my husband has made no attempts to touch me. The other day, I even wore a revealing night gown to bed which I know that he likes. Even then, he looked away and made no attempt to reach out to me at all. Why won’t he touch me? Is he no longer attracted to me? Is he thinking of her?” I’ll try to address these questions below.

Try Not To Make Assumptions That May Not Be True: As a wife who has been cheated on, I know first hand that it’s easy and normal to assume that his not reaching out to you means that he doesn’t want to be intimate with you. And when you assume that he doesn’t want to be intimate with you, then you start to worry if there is something wrong with you or with his attraction to you. Try not to jump to these conclusions. His not seeking your touch often has more to do with his doubts about himself than his doubts about you. This leads me to my next point.

He May Feel That He Doesn’t Deserve To Touch You: Many times, if you were to ask the husband why he wasn’t physically reaching out to the wife, he will tell you that he doesn’t want to assume that she wants him to touch her because he knows that he doesn’t deserve to be intimate with her until the marriage has healed and until this has been made right.

So sometimes the wife thinks that he isn’t touching her because he doesn’t want to save the marriage. But sometimes, the opposite is true. He doesn’t touch her because he doesn’t want to jeopardize his ability to save his marriage in the future once a new foundation has been made.

He May Be Afraid That You Will Reject Him: Many men in this situation have a sinking feeling that the second he tries to touch you, then you are going to respond by wincing or by pushing him away. Often, he thinks that his touch is going to repulse you. So he would rather hold off and wait than to risk rejection.

He May Think That Touching You Will Bring Up Undesirable Questions: Often men are reluctant to initiate sex because they know it will bring up obvious questions. He might be worried that you will ask if he did the same thing with the other woman. He might be worried that you will think that he’s over sexed and willing to sleep with whatever woman will allow him to do so. That might be why he would just rather wait and avoid these potential misunderstandings.

How To Handle This: Your need to still feel desired is completely understandable. I felt the same way. And I certainly didn’t think it was fair that I was in the position that I had to make the moves on the same husband who cheated on me. I would suggest giving subtle clues that it’s safe to reach out. Perhaps when things are going well and you are sharing a laugh, you might want to reach out and lightly touch his hand. This will give him clues that you are receptive to him. If this doesn’t work, then you can always just put this issue on the table and talk about it. A suggested script might be something like: “I’ve noticed that you haven’t touched me in four weeks. This makes me feel rejected and unattractive. I don’t expect for us to pick up our physical relationship as if nothing happened. But I do need to feel wanted and desired.”

Again, this lets him know that he doesn’t have to hold off because of a fear of being rejected or misunderstood. With this said, I do recommend moving slowly. You will often want to begin to heal emotionally before you try to resume your physical relationship.

I find that it doesn’t help to pretend that things are OK physically when they really aren’t.   But I do understand the desire to feel wanted.  And there can be physical touch without sex also.  Reaching out to one another can confirm that the spark and the attraction is still there and at a time like this, that can be very reassuring.  I held off on resuming sex until I knew that I was on the path to healing.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Sometimes, I hear from a spouse who is fully aware that their spouse is cheating and having an affair. They feel that they have sufficient proof to know the whole truth. In their hearts, they know that he is cheating and they are more than ready to deal with that. At this point, they just want to begin to move on. However, they aren’t sure how they are going to do this when their spouse continues to deny that anything has happened. This can be infuriating, especially when you feel that you’re working really hard to make some concessions and he won’t even give enough to admit what you already know is true.

In this situation, you might hear a comment like: “I know that my husband has been cheating with a coworker. There is no doubt in my mind. I don’t even question this a little. In fact, I have talked with the other woman on the phone and she has confirmed everything. She has told me when it started and what exactly has happened. She told me that she was going to break things off because now that she sees me as a real person with real pain, she can’t just continue on with the lying and the deception anymore. There is a relief to know that. And it makes me feel that if I don’t have to worry about the affair still going on, I can begin to place my focus on healing, forgiving, and moving forward. The problem is that my husband refuses to confess. I have confronted him with details about my conversation with the other woman and he insists that she is just a woman who is obsessed with him, but he says that he doesn’t feel the same way about her. He doesn’t have any explanation about the texts that I have seen between them other than to say that they sometimes flirt with one another, but that is as far as it goes. I don’t believe this. It’s awful to say but I believe the other woman over my husband. I know him very well and I can tell when he is lying. I know that he is lying now. The irony of this whole thing is that if he would just confess, I think that I could forgive him and move on. But it doesn’t appear that he plans to tell the truth. How can I forgive him if he won’t confess?”

This is a tough question. I am only speaking from my own experience, from which I formed the opinion that I am about to share. But I am not sure if I could forgive him if he was continuing to lie to me. I firmly believe from my own life that forgiveness is more for the person doing the forgiving then for the person being forgiven. You do it because you don’t want to carry the anger on your shoulders any longer. You want to release yourself from that fear, anger and negativity.

With that said, I think that for the most part, it is easier to forgive if you see that the person is making a real effort and is genuinely remorseful. If he is continuing to lie and is looking you right in the eye and denying what you already know to be the truth, then I would think that there is still more work to do before you are at that place where you can very honestly forgive.

Attempting To Get To The Truth. Why He’s Lying In The First Place: I believe that most often, people lie about the affair for a couple of reasons. The first is that they do not want to face the consequences for their actions. And the second is that they do not want to hurt you. It can help to show them that these two things are going to happen anyway, whether they make the admission or not.

A suggested way to start this conversation might be: “I know that you insist that there was no affair. But, you are asking me to ignore the facts and the evidence right in front of me and instead listen to someone who has already admitted to inappropriate behavior and secrecy. This just doesn’t make sense. You are asking me to turn away from common sense and the proof that is right in front of me. I suspect that you don’t want to hurt me and you don’t want to put our marriage in jeopardy, but I can tell you that both of these things have already happened. You need to understand that the worst case scenario is already here. And, if you want to begin to make this better, then you need to just tell me the truth so that we can begin to move on. We can’t do this if you continue to keep the truth from me. What you don’t understand is that I already know. Your putting my knowledge into words isn’t going to make it worse than it already is. But what is going to make it worse is for you to continue to try to deceive me. I’m going to have much more respect for you if you stand up and take responsibility for your actions. I can and will go out and get further proof. But that is a waste of our precious time. It only delays us getting to work. I’m asking you once again to have enough respect and commitment to me to tell me the truth.”

I can’t promise that he will suddenly come clean, but at least you have communicated with him that he’s really not gaining anything by lying to you. Once he sees that it’s really not helping his cause to continue to lie, he will hopefully just show some integrity and own up to what he has done.  Because when he does that, forgiveness will be much easier.  Perhaps I am petty and spiteful but I couldn’t forgive my own husband until I believed in his remorse.  However, I will say that forgiveness was freeing and helpful. If it helps, you can read about my own forgiveness on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:   I often hear from the spouse who was cheated on.  Occasionally though, I sometimes get messages from the spouse who cheated.  Perhaps my perspective is skewed because I was one of the spouse’s who was cheated on, but it’s usually pretty obvious which people are sincere and which aren’t.  Some ask for advice on how to “get” or “make” their spouse forgive their infidelity.  It is pretty obvious that their main concern is themselves.  They are more worried about forgiveness than they are worried about their spouse’s healing and well being.

But, sometimes it’s clear that the person reaching out really does care about what is best for BOTH people.  They are truly sorry and want to make things right again.  Their concern reaches outside of themselves.  I recently heard from a wife who had cheated on her husband over the course of only one night.  She was full of remorse and just sick over what her one action had done to her marriage.   She was desperate to make her husband understand how sorry she was.  She said, in part:  “I am so sorry for cheating on my husband.  I will regret that for the rest of my life.  But the real tragedy would be if I lose my marriage over this.  I might lose my husband and my children might lose their father because of my mistake.  The weird thing is, my husband doesn’t even seem angry anymore.  But he is finished.  He says that infidelity is something that he will never be able to forgive and, although he loves me as a person, he can no longer love me as his wife because of what I did.  I feel like if I could just make him believe that I will never do this again, we could get past this.  We had a very happy marriage and a wonderful family and I’ve gone and ruined it.   Is there any way that I can get him to forgive me so that we can move on?”

The wife’s sincerity was very apparent to me.  It is very upsetting when one mistake (made by someone who is truly sorry and would never repeat the same error) means that a marriage comes toppling down.  I will share with you some of the insights I gave the wife in the following article.

Sometimes, You Have To Accept That Forgiveness Might Take A Good While And It’s Better If You Don’t Push For It: Many people who were unfaithful equate their spouse’s forgiveness with that same spouse’s love and commitment to them.  I’ve had many people admit that they feel that if their spouse can’t forgive them, then this must also mean that their spouse doesn’t love them enough.  This often just isn’t the case.  Their being unable or unwilling to forgive is simply that.  You really shouldn’t try to draw your own conclusions.

And, healing and forgiveness can take time.  Much of the time, they simply want to wait and watch.  They want to see how long you will continue to offer your reassurance and apologies.  They want to see if you continue to be trustworthy and if you love them enough to hang in there even when it isn’t easy for you.  I will admit that many of us who were cheated on put our spouses through sort of a test (even though many of us don’t realize it when we are doing this.)  We want to see if our spouse will stay with us no matter how much we push them away.  We may not do this consciously, but we figure that if they stay put even when we don’t make it easy to do so, then they must truly love us, in spite of their cheating.

The thing is, you likely don’t know which of these factors are at play.   You have given your spouse quite a lot to handle and they are probably doing the very best that they can.  Pushing them to forgive you before they are able to do so only impedes their progress and places the focus on you rather than on them.  You are usually much better off backing off of that topic and continuing to offer your support and reassurance.

Know That Forgiveness For Infidelity Isn’t Required To Move Past It: Countless people tell me that they feel that if their spouse can’t forgive their infidelity, then their marriage must be doomed.  Again, this isn’t always the case.  Some spouses remain married while the betrayed spouse still remains on the fence about forgiveness.  Again, forgiveness is nice.  But it’s certainly not a requirement.  Your spouse can and often will take a “wait and see” attitude and you can still make quite a bit of progress.

It believe that it’s a real tragedy when people give up on their marriages just because one of them is struggling with forgiveness.  I think the better course of action is just to agree to take that issue off of the table for a little while.  After all, you often have other  things on which you can focus on worry about.  And sometimes, if you place your focus on supporting, understanding, and reassuring your spouse rather than on pressuring them, you will eventually get the result that you want because they can see that you have their best interest (rather than yours) at heart.

Think Twice Before You Give Up On Your Spouse When They Are Struggling With Forgiveness.  Patience And Support Are Better Options: My best advice to the wife mentioned above was just to continue to hang in there and support her husband.   Frankly, I thought that she should stop pushing for forgiveness and focus instead on healing.  As someone who has been cheated on myself, I can tell you that being pressured to forgive gets very old.  It makes you feel ever more negatively toward your spouse.  And, you can feel more angry (and less forgiving) because of the pressure.

I suggested that the next time the topic came up, she might say something like “I understand that you can’t forgive my infidelity right now.  You have every right to be reluctant when it comes to me.  I know that I have a lot of work to do to show you that you can trust me again.  And I will do whatever it takes to support you.  I’m not going to pressure you any more. Instead, I’m going to try to give you whatever you need to heal, even if that doesn’t include me.  I just want you to be happy again and I want you to know that I do love you and that you your well being are the most important things to me right now.  If there’s anything that I can do to facilitate this,  just say the word.  If you need some time, I’ll give you that too.”

Sometimes, you just have to wait.  Once your spouse sees that you are sincere and concerned with them rather than yourself, you will often see some changes, even if you don’t always see forgiveness immediately.  The idea is to move forward, to heal, and to restore the closeness without worrying about all of the definitions and the pressure.

I don’t think my husband ever said any magic words that made me forgive his infidelity.  But he did hang in there no matter what.  This eventually convinced me that it was safe to move on.   Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. If it helps, you can read more of that story on my blog at Http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who can’t get their husbands to be honest about his affair.   Sometimes, the husband has admitted to cheating but he’s trying to diminish or downplay the severity of it.  Other times, the husband is flat out denying he had an affair even though the wife knows that he did or has evidence to prove it.  This can be beyond frustrating for the wives who know part of the truth but who are demanding the whole story.  Because they need for their husbands to just be honest, to have some integrity, and to just tell the complete truth.

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “my husband admitted to cheating with a coworker, but I have recently learned that it was much more than cheating.  It was an affair.  The other woman and I have spoken at length about this and they were cheating for about four months.  And, according to her, my husband seemed to be pretty serious about her and about their relationship.  Not only that, but I’ve found hotel receipts and cell phone records which indicate that this was an ongoing thing. And yet, when I try to talk to my husband about the affair, he insists that it was only a short term fling, that it didn’t mean anything, and that I just need to let it go and move on.  Frankly, I can’t and won’t do any of these things until he starts being honest with me.  Why can’t he just be honest?  Is there anything that I can do to make him tell me the whole truth?”  I will try to address these concerns in the following article.

There Are Many Reasons That Husbands Aren’t Honest About The Affair.  Here’s A Few: As maddening as this situation is, it really isn’t all that uncommon.   Men are often either dishonest or elusive about their affair because they know that if they tell you the whole truth, then you are going to be more angry, will have more questions, and will experience more pain.

I would say that the biggest reasons that men who visit my blog give me for being elusive or dishonest about the affair is that they know if you have all of the facts, you are going to have even more questions to which you are going to demand more answers.   They know that what they have to tell you is only going to make you angry and, frankly, is going to make things worse and delay you’re getting over this and moving on.

What they don’t realize though is that most women aren’t just going to give up on their need for the truth.  The husband’s refusing to be honest only makes you want to know that much more.   Often, their refusal to just show some truthfulness and integrity is what actually makes their situation worse – not their silence.  Because many wives will assume the worst anyway.

Another reasons that men are often dishonest is because they are simply ashamed.  Now that they are caught, they often play back the series of events in their minds and they’re often are quite embarrassed and ashamed at how they have acted.  So, they want to move past this embarrassment and push it down as much as they possibly can.  But, if they share this information with you, they suspect that you are going to keep bringing it up, are going to keep demanding answers, and these two things mean that they’ll have to deal with their embarrassment and shame for much longer.

Finally, sometimes they think that their dishonesty is actually protecting you.  Sometimes, they worry about what will happen if you know about or try to confront the other woman.  Or they know that your digging deeper is going to cause you more pain. So they figure if they can force you into just stopping with all of the questions, your healing and your escape from pain will happen more quickly.

Is There Any Way To Make Your Husband Be Honest About His Affair?: Well, as I see it, there are a few options here.   You can either try to collect and confront him with proof (which obviously can cause more conflict.) Or, you can try to convince him that it’s in his own best interest to tell you the truth (and is also the right thing to do.) Another option is to insist that you can and will obtain information on your own whether he likes it or not .

So which strategy do I think is better?  Well, that depends on how you want to proceed with your marriage.  If you think there’s a possibility of saving your marriage, then you are much better off trying to get his cooperation.  If you are going to end your marriage anyway, then there’s really no need to continue to dialog with him when you likely don’t trust his response anyway.

But if you think that somewhere down the line your marriage might just stand a sliver of a chance, then it’s best to try to convince him that he really does want and need to show some honestly and he wants to demonstrate his integrity.

How To Convince Your Husband That He Should Tell You The Truth About His Affair: Although I know that it’s very tempting to have a very strong reaction and to demand answers in a very forceful or threatening way, doing so often won’t get you the answers that you want.  So, as challenging as it may be, it’s often to your benefit to convince him that he really does want to work with you.  So, I suggested that the next time this husband began making his denials that that the wife knew just aren’t true, she might consider saying something like: “listen, we both know that you’re not being completely honest right now.  It’s obvious that you’re either reluctant, scared, or unwilling to tell me the truth.  The thing is, I’m very determined to find out the entire truth.  I am going to get answers, but I would much rather get them from you.  I would much rather hear difficult things from you than from a stranger or from digging on my own.  I know that what you tell me might be difficult for me to hear or might even temporarily make things worse.  But I can not stress enough that I need to hear it anyway.  And I need to hear it from you. In order for me to start to heal, I need to know that you cared enough to be completely honest with me.  Are you willing to do that?”

This approach doesn’t always get the exact result that you want immediately or at first.  But if you keep at it with a calm attitude and focused determination, many men will realize that there just isn’t another way – especially if they too want to save the marriage.

It took a while before my husband decided that he needed to tell me the complete truth. Eventually, I was able to convince him that this was something that had to happen in order for me to heal.  And I did eventually heal so well that our marriage survived and is in fact better than it ever was.  If it helps, you can read more of that story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes speak with wives who are reeling in the days after they’ve found out about their husband’s affair. They are heartbroken, angry, and — perhaps most confusing of all — faced with a husband who suddenly seems to have transformed into the most attentive, romantic version of himself.

He’s buying flowers. He’s complimenting her constantly. He’s texting sweet nothings. And all of this attention would have been incredibly meaningful — if it hadn’t come after the affair.

One wife put it this way: “It’s almost like I don’t recognize him. When he was cheating, he was cold and distant. I knew something was wrong. And now that I’ve found out the truth, suddenly he’s acting like I’m the love of his life. Honestly? It makes me sick. I don’t know what’s real anymore, and I’m not sure if I can believe a single word out of his mouth.”

If you’ve ever been in this position — caught between wanting to believe your husband’s newfound affection and feeling absolutely betrayed — you are not alone. This is a confusing place to be. On the one hand, you desperately want to believe he means what he’s saying now. But on the other, your heart keeps whispering, “Where was this when I needed it?”

Let’s talk about what might really be going on — and how to know if you can truly trust this new version of your husband.

The Overcompensation Phase Is Real — But It Doesn’t Always Mean He’s Faking

When a man gets caught having an affair, reality hits hard. For many, the fear of losing their wife is like being doused with ice water. Suddenly, the man who had been emotionally distant or disengaged is now frantically trying to reverse course. He’s scared. He’s ashamed. And he’s desperately hoping to undo the damage.

So yes — sometimes, that intense affection you’re seeing right after the affair comes from a place of panic. But that doesn’t always mean it’s fake. It just means it may not be entirely settled or processed. Often, a man in this position is trying to make up for lost time. He’s trying to ease your pain. He may even believe that if he just loves you hard enough, you’ll forget.

But you won’t. And you shouldn’t.

That doesn’t mean he isn’t sorry. But it does mean that you have every right to be cautious — and every right to take your time.

What Really Matters Is What Happens After the Shock Wears Off

In my experience, the husbands who are truly remorseful — the ones who genuinely want to rebuild the marriage — show their sincerity in the weeks and months that follow the confession. Not just the first few days.

Anyone can say all the right things when the guilt is fresh and the stakes are high. But only someone who is truly invested will continue to show up when it gets hard. When the tough conversations begin. When you’re crying in bed and need answers. When you need space — and he gives it to you without protest.

It’s these moments — not the grand romantic gestures — that begin to rebuild the trust. And it’s in those quieter, more difficult moments that you’ll start to feel what’s real and what isn’t.

You Don’t Need to Decide Right Away

One mistake I see a lot of wives make (and I understand why) is feeling like they have to decide immediately whether or not they’re going to forgive him — or trust him again.

You don’t.

You’re allowed to be in limbo for a little while. You’re allowed to take this one day — even one hour — at a time. If he’s truly sorry, he will give you that space. He will understand that trust is something that has to be earned over time — not demanded just because he bought a bouquet.

Let him show you who he really is — consistently, quietly, and without a script.

That’s how you’ll begin to know what’s real.

I Know How Hard It Is to Trust Again

I’ve been there. There were mornings I would wake up and feel hopeful. And then by lunch, the doubts crept back in. I would tell myself I was crazy for even thinking about trusting him again. And yet, part of me still wanted to try.

Eventually, what helped me was learning to trust myself first. I stopped asking if he was being genuine and started asking what I needed to feel safe again.

And slowly — through real changes, real remorse, and real effort — we found our way back. My marriage isn’t perfect. But it’s honest. It’s solid. And I don’t live in fear anymore.

If you’re struggling with whether to trust your husband again after his affair, just know that you don’t have to figure it all out today. The truth will begin to show itself — as long as you give it time, space, and the patience it deserves.

You can read more about how I got to that point, after a very painful betrayal, at http://surviving-the-affair.com.

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Comments Off on Can I Trust My Husband When He’s Being So Loving After His Affair?

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