Ruining Your Life By Cheating: Is There Any Way to Right the Ship?

By: Katie Lersch: Many people will tell you that cheating on their spouse is the worst mistake of their life. Most of them would do anything to take it back. But of course, they cannot. Unfortunately, what is done is done. And they must deal with all of the damage that follows right along behind it. 

And as bad as that reality is, it can get worse. Sometimes, the person who is cheating begins to feel that this mistake is going to not only follow them around for the rest of their lives, but it is also going to ruin their life. 

Someone might say, “I wish I had a decent excuse as to why I cheated on my spouse, but I truly do not. I screwed up. I had no impulse control. I was not thinking. I just acted. And immediately, I knew it was a mistake, and I knew I should stop, but I did not. I felt so weird about it, that I just wanted to get it over with. To my credit, I told my spouse right away that it was only a one-time thing. That doesn’t matter. I get no extra points for that. My spouse doesn’t care that I acted honorably after the fact. She cares about the fact that I betrayed her. She looks at me with disgust now. She told family and mutual friends. Everyone knows what I’ve done, and everyone looks at me differently. I feel differently about myself. I think less of myself. My spouse has checked out of our marriage, and I feel sure she will divorce me. And I will likely be alienated from my children, and my financial situation will deteriorate. I realize that I brought this all on myself, but my whole life has changed because of this. I have ruined my own life, and I feel it will never change. How do I make this right and change this?”

It might seem weird that I, someone who has dealt with a cheating spouse and eventually fought to recover myself and my marriage, would be sympathetic to this, but I actually am. I don’t believe that someone’s worst day should always dictate the rest of their life. But at the same time, I defend the faithful spouse’s right to proceed how she sees fit. She’s been dealt a horrible blow, and it is her right to decide what is in her best interest moving forward.

That said, I’ve seen many couples – including myself – go through this, and things rarely end up as dire as they seem to be in the beginning. Yes, some couples do divorce. And yes, sometimes there are financial consequences. However, you have the chance in the future to have some input on the outcome, as follows:

You Have the Opportunity to Have Integrity From Here on Out:  Yes, you made a mistake. But you can make it so that you never repeat it. You can put one foot in front of the other and act honorably in every interaction going forward. You can deal with your spouse with patience and understanding. And you can give yourself the same courtesy. 

If you need to seek counseling to heal the way you feel about yourself, please do. It’s never good to go through life hating yourself. Doing so will negatively affect every relationship you have. Try your best to find a way to love and support yourself again as quickly as possible.

Know that as You Act Honorably Day After Day, Many People Will Come Around:  I purposely didn’t tell many people about my husband’s infidelity. But some of the people I did tell were furious with him for quite some time. My husband did what I needed to help me heal, and acted honorably day after day, week after week, and month after month. Eventually, the people who had made harsh judgments about him came around and saw that he had at least partially redeemed himself.

I can’t promise you that your spouse will be one of the people who comes around, but some people likely will. 

Prioritize Your Healing:  As a faithful spouse, I can’t tell you how much I advocate prioritizing the faithful spouse’s healing. That’s incredibly important, and I advocate doing whatever it takes to make that happen. Because the damage from having your spouse cheat on you is deep.

But believe it or not, I always advocate the cheating spouse prioritizing themselves and their well-being as well. Because two healing people make a better outcome. 

Being the guilty party in the affair can feel as if you are constantly being beaten up. It can feel as if you will never be able to do anything right. You can feel like the worst type of person. And self-hatred is a real possibility. 

Allow yourself to remember the good things about yourself and how you’re trying to make the best of it now. 

Know That This is a Long Game:  Your spouse may seem to not want you around right now. She may bristle at the sight of you. I can’t promise you that will change any time soon. But I can tell you that it can change in some cases. 

 The way I felt about my husband initially and the way I feel about him now is night and day. My anger took over my entire life then and I’m no longer angry today. The affair consumed me initially, and I don’t think about it constantly now.

Things change. But you may have to wait it out. You will have to be patient and know that you may need to wait weeks or months. You may just need to keep showing up even when it seems like there isn’t much progress.

Because one day – there might be – if you do not give up. Admittedly, your relationship with your wife has changed. It may recover. It may not. But that doesn’t mean that your life is not redeemable. Do the right thing, keep going, and prioritize healing for everyone involved. And you never know. Things might look very different, and much better, eventually. 

If it helps, you’re welcome to read about how I healed to see that it is indeed possible, at https://surviving-the-affair.com.

 

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Ruining Your Life By Cheating: Is There Any Way to Right the Ship?

Do Husbands Who Cheat Or Have Affairs Have A Guilty Conscience?

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives and women who ask me if cheaters have a conscience. But there seems to be a special category in this question for husbands. People seem to think that infidelity is a worse offense if a husband cheats. After all, he has made a lifetime commitment to be loyal to one person and he has broken that commitment by cheating. Not only that, but many husbands are also fathers. Many people feel that, in a sense, they are cheating on their family as well as their spouse.

I often hear comments like: “does my husband have no conscience at all? We are going through a huge amount of stress in our lives right now. He knows that I’m struggling. But instead of having patience and being there for me, he goes out and cheats with someone else. And when I confronted him, rather than being sorry, he made all sorts of excuses. He sounded like he blamed me more than he blamed himself. How could someone with a conscience do this? How could the guilt not be eating him up inside? If I cheated on him, I’m not sure if I could live with myself. And yet, he almost acts like he was justified in his actions.”

I think that in situations like this, what I’m really being asked is whether the husband realizes that his cheating is truly wrong and whether he feels any guilt or remorse. I do have some insight into this topic and I will discuss it more below.

In My Experience And Observation, Cheaters Really Fall Into Two Categories When It Comes To Guilt And How This Affects Their Conscience: I spend a lot of time chatting with others about this topic and I conducted a lot of research on this because of my own life. It’s my belief that you basically have two types of cheaters. The first type is the repeat cheater. It’s not uncommon for this type of person to be unfaithful in the majority of the relationships that they’ve been in.

A lot of the time, people will think that they can change this person. In fact, many relationships start out this way. What I mean by this is that I often hear from women who are dealing with infidelity with men they cheated with in the first place. She might have cheated with him previously and now he is cheating on her. So what you get is a pattern that continues to repeat itself because the person who is cheating is either not rehabilitated or doesn’t respect his relationships enough to remain faithful.

In cases such as this, it’s clear that the conscience of the person who is cheating is not affected enough to stop his behavior. He may tell you that he feels guilty and he may even experience a touch of guilt when he sees how much he has hurt someone else. But at the end of the day, his need for variety, his low self esteem (or the various reasons for his behavior) are greater than any guilt he might feel.

On the other hand, the other type of cheater is not a repeat offender. Usually, these are the people who don’t have any infidelity in their backgrounds. They tend to have long term relationships where they were loyal and faithful. But then something in their life, their circumstances, or their relationship causes them to make the decision to stray. These are the types that are often filled with remorse and this remorse and guilt affects them deeply enough that it stays with them and makes them less likely to cheat again.

Determining Whether He Feels Guilt Or Remorse For Cheating On You: The first basic question to ask is whether this is his first time cheating. Obviously, the more he has cheated, the less likely it is that guilt is having any effect on his behavior or thought process.

The next place to look would be at his behaviors and actions right now. I will say that some men will posture and attempt to act unaffected as a way to diminish your reaction. But usually, once you make it clear that this isn’t going to work, you will see their true feelings and where they actually stand. Every man and situation is different, but generally speaking, a man with a healthy conscience will feel enough guilt to sit down with you and try to explain what happened and why. And, if he’s still invested in the relationship, he will generally eventually be willing to work with you toward saving and strengthening it.

Some men are very demonstrative about their remorse. They will show a lot of emotions and feel anger at themselves and others are more soft spoken and introverted about the whole thing. (The level of emotion doesn’t necessarily correspond with the level of guilt.) But it’s often their actions (rather than their reactions and words) that will be the best indicator of how they truly feel. Men who are truly sorry will try to make this right to the best of their ability. (Keep in mind that their ability might be different than how you would react, but many try as best as they can.)

It’s Not Always Advisable To Dwell On A Man’s Guilty Conscience. Sometimes, This Can Backfire: It’s understandable to want to see some remorse. You want to know that he understands that his actions were wrong so that he is less likely to repeat them. But sometimes, people dwell on this so much that it becomes central part of the relationship.

Yes, he should be sorry, but he’s not going to want to feel badly about himself and dwell on negative emotions for the rest of his life. If you dwell too much on how horrible he should feel, he may begin to distance himself just because he associates you with feeling negatively about himself. No one wants to feel as though they are a bad person. It’s perfectly understandable to loathe the decision he made, but you don’t want to make him feel like you loathe him, especially if you want to save the relationship in the long term.

I understand why you want to see signs of a guilty conscience for his cheating. But sometimes, it’s better to focus on the positive and on the healing.  Because healing is really when you can both turn the corner.  And healing is not impossible, but you have to be determined and methodical. You can read a more about how I did it on my blog at https://surviving-the-affair.com

 

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Do Husbands Who Cheat Or Have Affairs Have A Guilty Conscience?

My Cheating Husband is Only Concerned About Losing his Money After Having an Affair

By: Katie Lersch: A husband’s motivations after cheating can be hard to gauge. Some husbands seem most concerned with their marriage. Some are most concerned about their kids. And others seem concerned about things that have nothing to do with relationships. Money is one example.

A wife might say, “When I caught my husband cheating, the biggest thing he seemed concerned about was whether I was going to divorce him and take all of his assets. We have worked hard over our long marriage and we do have some assets. I’m certainly not going to give them up. That’s not my concern right now, though. My concern is our family, our marriage, and our lives.”

 “This has altered and changed everything. I question the life I thought I knew. I doubt my own perceptions because I didn’t see any warning signs. I have so many concerns going forward. But money isn’t one of them. Because I know that I am not at fault. However, in his heart, my husband must know he is at fault because he’s obsessed with money now.”

“It’s disappointing. He’s made half-hearted attempts to talk about our marriage, and he’s asked after our family. But those concerns seem secondary. He’s made it clear he doesn’t want to divorce, but it seems it is all about the money, not the love. How do I ever process this?”

Nothing is easy after an affair, is it? It seems that there are just countless things that you have to worry about. And, if the world were fair, HE would have to deal with all of them too. It’s particularly annoying when it appears that he’s only cherry-picking the concerns that he wants to prioritize. However, as daunting as it may seem, there are considerations that you may not have had on your radar, as follows.

He May Be Mentioning Money Because He’s Not Prepared to Discuss Feelings and Emotions:  Just because your husband isn’t bringing up marriage and family, that doesn’t necessarily mean that he isn’t thinking about it. 

Sometimes, the cheating spouse doesn’t mention it because he is afraid of rejection or of getting his hands slapped away. He’s afraid that you’re going to tell him something that he doesn’t want to hear. After all, money is intimately tied to your marriage. A loss of money would mean a divorce, which means he IS thinking about your marriage, he’s just not necessarily confident enough to ask you about it.

Many people don’t ask a question to which they do not know the answer, especially when they are in a vulnerable situation like this one. So it’s not always a correct assumption to think he cares nothing about the marriage.

Money May Be a Concrete Place to Place His Focus: Along the same lines as above, it is often easier to talk about concrete issues that you can see and touch like money. Abstract things like feelings, wishes, sorrow, shame, and guilt, are much harder to verbalize and discuss.  

So he may be tap dancing around it or using the money issue to brush up against the things he’s not able to verbalize in the early stages of recovery. This doesn’t excuse him, but it might give you a different perspective. 

How to Address His Focus on Money:  It is obvious that this bothers you, and no one can blame you for that. If you want it to stop, you can attempt to address it. The next time he says something about money, try something like: “I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do moving forward. But your constant focus on money instead of me, my well-being, our family, and our marriage is incredibly disappointing. The money should be secondary to more important things. The money will come after we shift through what happens with everything else. I’m not necessarily motivated to worry about money when you don’t seem to care about me and my well-being.”

He might respond by telling you that money isn’t his primary concern. You might then get the reassurance and the emotion that you’ve wanted to see all along.

Know That You Don’t Always Get What You Need at First Unless You Ask For It:  Every faithful wife wants a husband who immediately shows love, remorse, concern, guilt, and shame. But this doesn’t always happen. Many people aren’t sure how to react and so they pull back, or they posture, or they are waiting to see what happens.

Things may go slowly at first as you feel each other out, but as time goes by, he may change his stance, and you may see his behavior change and improve. 

Again, I’m not trying to defend him, but I’m trying to reassure you that what you are seeing right now may not be what you are stuck with for the duration.

You may have to eventually tell your husband what you need, want, and expect moving forward. I know that it feels weird and unfair that you have to define it. But I had to, and so did many other wives I know.  

Sometimes, telling him what you need and want is the only way to ensure he’ll understand what you expect so that you can actually get what you need, so that you can begin to move forward and heal. 

I definitely had to spell it out for my husband. And yes, my husband was concerned about the nitty gritty of every day finances as a defense mechanism, but as time passed, he became more comfortable talking about feelings, and it became clear to him that I required it. Eventually, we talked very openly, and this is one of the things that allowed us to eventually heal. You can read more about that at https://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on My Cheating Husband is Only Concerned About Losing his Money After Having an Affair

I’m Not Sure I Want My Cheating Husband Around My Kids

By: Katie Lersch: When your spouse cheats on you, then you suddenly challenge the view you had of him. You suddenly rethink all of the attributes you thought he had. If you thought he was honest or honorable, you might rethink that. If you thought he put his family above everything else, that’s now in question. If you thought he had no secrets, obviously you were wrong.

All these blown assumptions might make you also re-think your behavior and the freedoms and benefits your husband enjoys. One example is access to kids, especially if you are not sure the affair is over and your husband is living somewhere else – even temporarily.

A wife might say, “As soon as I found out my husband had been cheating, I kicked him out. I told him he could go and stay with my brother, with whom he is close. This isn’t costing him any money, and my brother has more than enough room. Frankly, I’m not sure if he’s ended things with the other woman because he has been asking to come home. And when he does, he tells me he will break it off if I will let him come back. Since I am not letting him come back, I can’t be assured that it is over. He has asked to see the kids, and again, I don’t want any possibility that my kids would be around this woman. And I’m not sure I want my kids around someone with so little integrity as my husband. I have sons. I don’t want that type of influence on them. I don’t want them to grow up and cheat on their wives. But when I tell my husband this, he acts as if this punishment isn’t reasonable. He says that I know he loves our sons and he would never hurt them or not be a good parent. I am torn. My kids are the most precious thing I have. I want to protect them. Is this so wrong?”

It’s not necessarily wrong. I understand your inclination. I honestly do. But something similar happened in my family growing up. And not having access to my dad, as a result, was more damaging to me than protective of me. I believe that, when possible and safe, children should have access to both parents. However, I understand and applaud your wanting to have safeguards in place. So I believe that there is a way you can compromise and provide both things, as follows:

Allow Your Husband to Visit His Kids with You or Some Other Trustworthy Adult Present: I completely understand your being concerned about your kids being exposed to the other woman. I don’t think anyone would want that right now. To keep that from happening, you can ask your husband to visit the house when you or another trusted individual are present. That way, no one has to worry about a third party.

While your husband may balk at this initially, if you calmly ask him to please just humor you so that you’re comfortable, he will hopefully relent. You’re not saying he can’t see the kids, you’re just asking for a little reassurance and safeguards.

Try to See the Differences Amongst Family Relationships:  There is no doubt that your husband’s relationship with you is damaged and may be altered – at least until you can heal and fix it – if that is what you want to do.  

But that doesn’t necessarily mean that his relationship with his children is altered. The betrayal is between you and him. Not he and his children. Try to keep the two separate in your mind because they truly are. I believe someone can be a good parent even if they have made a grave mistake in their marriage. And I was the faithful spouse. My husband cheated on me. So I have a unique perspective, but I still believe that. 

Make It Clear You Aren’t Making Deals About Ending the Affair:  Your husband has told you that he’ll end it if you let him come back, but that’s not necessarily good faith. No, good faith would be ending it even if he has no reassurance that you’re letting him come back. In truth, he should end it because cheating with another woman while he is married to you is wrong. And if he wants to have any chance with you – whenever and however you give it – he should ask for it as someone who is no longer cheating. If he is really serious about reconciliation, then he should take his chances. End the affair and show a true effort.

If you want to make that clear, you might try something like, “You should end the affair regardless of any promises I make you. I don’t know what I want right now. I’m not yet ready for you to come back. But I couldn’t even consider it if I knew you were still cheating. End the affair. Stop cheating, and perhaps in time, I will consider allowing you to return once we heal. I will not consider it if you keep cheating. It is that simple.”

You have every right to ask your husband to deal with you fairly. And, I’m certainly not a lawyer or psychiatrist, but I think it’s fair that you ask your husband not to expose your kids to a third party that you don’t know and didn’t welcome into their lives. 

But I don’t think you have to keep him away from his kids without trying to negotiate and compromise. It’s important to try your best to minimize the effect of the affair on your kids. If you let it affect your kids’ ability to see their father, then you’ve let it affect their lives. And that is not fair to them. 

It is not fair to you for him to delay breaking it off.  You’re within your rights to ask him to do that, if he wants to have a chance with you or to come back home.  And you don’t need to make him any promises.  He can do it as a sign of good faith – regardless of what you eventually decide.  I ultimately decided to make my marriage work, but that is a very personal decision.  I’ve not regretted it.  You can read more at https://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on I’m Not Sure I Want My Cheating Husband Around My Kids

I Almost Cheated on My Spouse as Revenge for Him Cheating on Me

By: Katie Lersch: Most people think they know how they will react when and if their spouse cheats on them. Many of them have gone over it in their minds more than a few times. However, once it happens to you, you might find that you’ll feel and do things you never anticipated. Your reaction might be completely surprising or even upsetting. You might partake in behaviors or thoughts that you never considered possible – such as cheating for revenge or to feel better. 

Someone might say, “I’ve never cheated on anyone in my life. I’ve never wanted to. I consider myself someone with integrity. And before my husband cheated on me, I was completely and totally committed to him. I would have made any sacrifice for him and put in any amount of effort that was necessary to make things work. But he did cheat on me. And coming back from this has been harder than I ever imagined possible.”

“His betrayal made me doubt myself, and it hurt the way I saw and valued myself. It dramatically affected my self-worth. I didn’t tell many people about the affair, so my husband hasn’t suffered many repercussions. He hasn’t lost any standing in the community or with his job. Sure, he had to deal with me, but ultimately, he hasn’t lost much. I feel like I’ve lost so much more.”  

“And, I’m embarrassed to admit it, but I’m finding myself flirting with a friend at work. We’ve been friends for a long time. This guy is a shameless flirt, but I’ve always been professional with him, until now. Sometimes, I find myself tempted to cheat just to get back at my husband and feel better about myself. It worked out fine for my husband, after all. So why shouldn’t I?”

Because Revenge Cheating Comes with a Cost: I can’t decide for anyone else. And you will have to do what is right for you. But here is what I can tell you. I’ve seen couples dealing with “revenge cheating” and it typically just creates a much bigger mess.

As the faithful spouse myself, I know what you are going through. But as you have already seen, healing from one bout of cheating is difficult. I would argue that since you are considering seeking revenge, you haven’t completely healed yet. There’s no shame in that. True healing takes time. It is not easy. It is not fast.

Now imagine adding another dose of cheating to the mix. Your husband may then feel like he’s in the clear. He may think that he no longer needs to be the one who is sorry. He’s no longer a second-class citizen in the marriage because you cheated as well. So now you’ve even steven because you both did it. So you should both just be able to move on since both sides were in the wrong. (Or at least this may be your husband’s thinking if you cheat.)

But here’s where the cost comes in. You didn’t completely heal from the first betrayal and now you won’t have the opportunity to heal from the second. Your marriage would have been dealt a second blow, which will obviously damage it even more. The negative feelings and uncertainty that you’ve been living with will now only multiply rather than get better.

The Damage You’ll Have Done to Yourself:  So far, I’ve mostly talked about the damage you might do to your marriage. Now I want to talk about the damage you might do to yourself. You said that you were a person of integrity and that’s wonderful. That shows self-discipline, self-respect, and self-love.  

But if you cheat, you have lowered yourself to your husband’s behavior. And you’ll know in your heart that you allowed your integrity to be compromised. That leaves a dark mark on your soul. You must know in your heart that you’ve above this behavior.

You’re not in love with your coworker. There’s no upside to changing your relationship with him. It is bound to make things awkward between you and cause issues at work in addition to the other issues you are dealing with. 

In your heart, you know all of this. You’re hurting and you want it to stop, so it’s tempting to lash out. It’s tempting to make him feel the pain that you are feeling. If he, too, has to deal with a cheating spouse, he’ll actually have to feel what you’ve felt. And then and only then might he appreciate what you’ve been dealing with.

But with that knowledge comes twice the damage. Twice the pain. Twice the guilt. Twice the rebuilding. It’s a stain on your heart, your soul, and your marriage that you just don’t need to willingly allow.

As hard as it may be to hear, the quickest path to feeling better is not cheating yourself, it’s doing whatever is necessary to really and truly heal the first time. If your husband isn’t giving you what you need to do that, you can ask, but you can also seek it for yourself. You can make yourself your highest priority. You can get counseling if you need it. You can seek out people who love and support you (not romantically for now,) and you can love yourself because you have done absolutely nothing wrong.

There is power in knowing that you are the innocent party. Don’t taint that by becoming jointly responsible for the damage. Don’t step into the mire when you don’t have to. Focus your attention on making things better, not on making them worse. 

I know that easier said than done. But I am glad I never stooped to my worst impulses. And I did eventually cobble together a complete healing.  You can read about that at https://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on I Almost Cheated on My Spouse as Revenge for Him Cheating on Me

Why Do Some People Think Adultery is Exciting?

By: Katie Lerch: For people who do not and would not cheat on their spouse, adultery is a confusing topic. Many of us have known (and even loved) someone who cheated and who just couldn’t seem to control themselves. That person might have even perceived the cheating behavior as exciting, energizing, or mesmerizing. And this can be very confusing to people who don’t behave this way.

A faithful wife might say, “About five years ago, I became friends with a mom at my son’s preschool. We became quite close. And after some time, she confided in me that she was having an affair. She was absolutely giddy as she would recount how she would sneak around and meet this man all over town. She didn’t seem to feel much guilt at all. She was mostly just happy. However, when her husband found out, she took no time at all to decide that she’d rather save her family. She gave the affair up, but sometimes, she talked about it longingly, like something she missed very much.”

“Ironically, all these years later, I am going through the same thing with my husband. But I am the faithful spouse. It is my husband who was walking around the house giddy and like a schoolboy. I knew that something was up because he was acting so weird. And he too, had that same excited look in his eyes that my friend had. He too seemed hyped up on adrenaline. But just like my friend, when I told him that I would leave him, he ended the affair, or so he said. And he’s acting like he gave something up. I don’t understand. I guess I am just a different sort of person, but lying to someone I love and sneaking around would only make me anxious. No relationship or person would make me act that way. That’s just ignoring good sense and common decency. I just don’t get what’s so exciting about behavior as deplorable as adultery.”

I’m completely with you. I was the faithful spouse, and I’ve never cheated on anyone in my life – nor would I. I too am highly anxious when it comes to wrongdoing. I would feel like I was going to be caught the whole time. I would feel guilty the whole time. So I’d get absolutely no enjoyment out of it.  

But everyone is different. And I’ve spoken with people who have affairs. I believe I understand at least some of why they feel energized by the adultery. I’ll attempt to explain it below.

It’s Something New and Novel:  Many of us get into repetitive habits in our lives. We have to do the same tasks in our jobs, in our chores, and sometimes, it feels like – in our relationships. This isn’t necessarily anyone’s fault. It takes all of these things to keep food on the table and a roof over our heads. No one is at fault for their necessary habits.  

But, for some, these habits can make life feel dull. So when something new and novel comes along, that can feel exciting. The irony of this, of course, is that no relationship can be “new” forever. Common sense will tell you that eventually, the relationship will run its course and it will feel every bit as much like a habit as the marriage. Of course, most people do not have the insight to see this at the time, unfortunately.

It’s Forbidden:  Do you remember when you were a toddler and the thing you weren’t supposed to touch was the very thing you wanted to touch? Even if that thing could hurt you? It was so tempting because it was forbidden. Of course, none of us are toddlers anymore, and we should know better. But for some, it is really the same principle. They know they shouldn’t be doing it. They know they could be caught. So that makes it seem more alluring – at least at first. Of course, once they are caught, that will often break the spell. They realize that they could lose their family. And they see how foolish they were to allow that type of risk.

They Convince Themselves that the Adultery is Exciting or Special: I believe that there’s one thing that many people don’t appreciate as a big contributing factor to an affair – availability. Quite often, the other person is simply available when the spouse is vulnerable. It’s somehow a perfect storm at an unfortunate time. And, because it just sort of falls into the spouse’s lap and they want to take advantage of it, they will try to convince themselves of all sorts of things to justify their adultery.

They’ll convince themselves that there is a flaw with the marriage even if this isn’t true. They’ll try to tell themselves that there is something special about the other person even though there usually isn’t. ( In fact, if it had been another person available at the time, then the affair would have likely taken place with a completely different person) Finally, the spouse having an affair has a vested interest in convincing themselves that the affair is oh-so-exciting because they want justification for carrying it out. 

That doesn’t mean that any of those things are true. It just means that the spouse wants to believe it. 

I am not listing these things because I want you to believe or buy any of them. I am with you that I couldn’t participate in them, either. But I do want to try to help you understand that there is nothing wrong with you. And that you did nothing wrong. This excitement the cheating spouse thinks they feel isn’t a lack on your part. It’s fooling themselves on their part.

That’s why I strongly suggest doing everything in your power to care for yourself and restore your self esteem, if necessary.  You are not broken.  You are not the problem.  And for many people, adultery isn’t exciting.  It’s painful.  However, I believe you can heal because I have done it.  You can read more at https://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Why Do Some People Think Adultery is Exciting?

My Spouse is Purposely Terribly Mean to Me After I Cheated and Had an Affair

By: Katie Lersch: Many people understand why a faithful spouse might have a huge amount of anger toward a cheating spouse. It’s also understandable that this anger might contribute to some harsh behavior. However, when the harsh behavior crosses the line or is unrelenting, the cheating spouse may think it’s become unfair.

A cheating spouse might explain, “I am fully aware that my behavior was wrong. I know that this is all my fault and that my spouse is the innocent party. I know that I deserve some chilly treatment. I don’t expect her to be affectionate to me right now. I don’t expect her to treat me well or to be on her best behavior. I don’t expect her to trust me blindly. But it has been more than a few months now, and she still acts as if I’m a criminal. She acts like I am the most horrible person on earth who is worthy of constant contempt. She makes fun of my appearance. She ridicules my clothing and my mannerisms. She mocks the things I say. It is as if her main goal every day is to hurt my feelings as much as possible. It’s very spiteful. Again, I understand why she’d want to treat me this way, but it seems excessive. And it feels like she’ll never stop. She’s being as mean as possible on purpose.”

I am somewhat ashamed to admit this, but some of the things I said and did to my husband after his affair was somewhat horrible. They were most definitely spiteful and mean. I wanted them to hit him with maximum pain. However, I’d never do that today. I’ll share why I was hateful and what changed below.

She May Be Trying to Make You Feel the Pain She Felt:  I believe that the main reason I was hateful to my husband is that I wanted him to feel the uncertainty and self-doubt that I felt when I found out he has cheating. When you are a faithful spouse, it takes a huge toll on your self-esteem. You don’t feel desirable anymore. You wonder why you were so stupid that you missed the clues. You wonder if the best part of life and your marriage has passed you by. Your insecurity has reached new levels.

Not surprisingly, these things don’t feel good, so you want the cause of those feelings – your spouse – to have to feel them too. You do this by trying to hurt him every chance you get. You may not have ever been a spiteful person before, and yet you feel the need to lash out constantly. But what you learn over time is that spreading negative feelings doesn’t make you feel better. It actually makes you feel worse. Sometimes, this realization takes a while, unfortunately.

What You Can Do: How to best react to this depends on many factors, including how long this has been going on, whether it is intensifying, your tolerance of it, and how effective your response is. If the affair is fresh and your wife hasn’t had much time to process this, it’s fair to expect some fallout which looks like mean behavior. This is just to be expected because the pain caused by an affair is going to elicit all of those negative emotions that must go somewhere. It’s frankly understandable as to why she’d want to lash out.

However, if the behavior is over the top or has gone on for longer than is appropriate, you can always try to tell her that it is hurtful. You might try something like, “I know that you’re treating me this way because you are hurt, but please know that the things you say and do hurt me too. I’m not sure that we are accomplishing anything but hurting each other. Do you think we could try to be a little more gentle with each other?”

Don’t be surprised if she tells you that her comments are hurtful because you hurt her in the worst possible way, but at least you may have put the thought in her mind.

Work on Healing and the Hurt Should Wane:  One of the biggest reasons that I no longer lash out at my husband is because I feel comfortable and confident in my marriage again. This didn’t happen by chance. It took time and very hard work.  

But as we put in the effort and I began to trust again and felt I could let my guard down, I no longer had the need to try to hurt my husband because I wasn’t hurting quite as badly.  

Whatever you can do to make your wife feel valued enough that you’re willing to put in the effort to make this right, do it. Because it will often benefit you as well as she begins to feel some relief and then backs off on her intentional cruelty. 

Take a Break Before You Engage: Finally, I know that hearing your spouse saying these kinds of things are trying. You may want to respond in kind. It may be tempting to say something like, “Listen to you. No wonder I cheated on you.” 

Don’t make that mistake. You’ll just propel yourself about five steps backward. Sometimes, you may need to remove yourself from the situation until things calm down. Spend some time in another room of the house. Go for a walk. Do anything you need to do to diffuse the tension so that you don’t need to engage. When you understand why she’s doing this, then you can see that engaging with it is just going to keep the cycle of hurt going.

What you need to do is to start to diminish the hurt, and then she will feel less of a need to hurt you in return.  Hang in there.  In some cases, it does get better as you begin to make some progress.  If it helps, you can read about my journey and how I finally made some progress at https://surviving-the-affair.com

 

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on My Spouse is Purposely Terribly Mean to Me After I Cheated and Had an Affair

My Spouse Doesn’t Believe Anything I Say Since I Had an Affair

By: Katie Lersch: Many people don’t realize that life is not easy for either spouse after an affair. People often understand the faithful spouse’s difficulties, but they don’t think about the cheating spouse. Granted, it’s understandable that there wouldn’t be much sympathy for someone who made this type of mistake. And I’d never defend a cheating spouse (since I’ve been the faithful spouse.) But, I do often hear from cheating spouses who are trying to make things right but who are having difficulty. Sometimes, they’re trying to be forthright and forthcoming, but they aren’t believed anyway.

One of these spouses might say, “I understand why my wife might doubt me. I lied to her during the affair. I misled her. And when she suspected me, I lied again. So she honestly has a right to doubt me about fidelity matters. And I accept that I am going to be questioned and doubted. I just keep telling the truth and hoping that eventually, she will feel more secure. But the problem is that she doubts every single thing. If I tell her I had a cobb salad for lunch, she starts interrogating me as if she thinks I’m lying about what I had or where I ate. She even shows suspicion toward some of my male coworkers. It’s as if she thinks I’m a liar about every single aspect of my life, as if I’m looking to deceive her at every turn. This makes me hate to confide anything to her or talk about my day in any way. She’s just going to doubt me anyway. Is it going to be like this forever? Because I don’t know if I can take it for a lifetime.”

It typically won’t last forever. It generally ends once the trust returns and healing is complete. And that can take time. I can give you some insights as to why your spouse has doubts about things that don’t seem important – like the lunch/restaurant and coworkers. 

Why the Faithful Spouse Doubts Everything: She’s looking for evidence of wrongdoing in simple, everyday things. For example, she’s worried you’re making up a lunch outing that didn’t happen because you had lunch with the other woman instead.

And she’s expressing doubt about coworkers because she wonders if they knew about or helped you carry out the affair. Or she may think that perhaps they too are cheating and are normalizing this behavior at work.

So it’s not necessarily that she thinks you are a pathological liar about every aspect of your life. It is that she is digging for more evidence because she is afraid that you may still be cheating or will cheat again.

And before you judge this too harshly, consider the pain of being cheated on. It’s something that no one ever wants to feel again, so of course, you’re going to keep an eagle eye out to protect yourself from a repeat. 

How to Handle the Questioning: You may not like what I’m going to say, but healing and trust are going to take some time. And the best defense that you can have is to tell the truth for even the most minute of details. Don’t give her any reason at all to question your responses. Don’t keep things from her thinking that you’re sparing her from something or you are avoiding more questions.

Because if she does find out that you are keeping things from her, then you’re going to go two steps backward, and you’ve sentenced yourself to much more questioning for a longer period of time.

Tell her the truth, be as patient with the questions as you can, and work with her to heal your marriage and restore the trust. This is very important. If she sees you willing to put in the work and go through the steps, she will have more confidence that you are committed to the marriage and not looking for anything outside of it. And eventually, as she gains that confidence, she won’t always be looking for the cracks in your narrative.

She’s looking for the cracks now because she’s afraid they are there and she doesn’t want to deal with the pain of this again. Try to see her questioning as fear. See her as someone who is afraid and injured rather than accusatory and that might help with your patience.

It might make you feel a bit better to know that I, too, questioned and doubted my husband about the tiniest details after his affair. And, I must admit, I did this for quite a while. It took some time for me to be secure again. That said, I rarely do interrogate him today. So my husband did not have to endure this forever. But he helped himself by doing mostly what he said he was going to do, and telling me the truth. He was also willing to do whatever I needed to help me move past it. So, as weird as it sounds, I was eventually able to see him as my ally and not my adversary. 

I know it might feel like you won’t ever get there, but if you hang in there, one day you will. Just see your wife as someone who has been injured and therefore is reluctant to put herself out there again. She needs time to process and then to begin to ease back into trust and intimacy. You can’t expect her to force the trust before she is ready because that just leads to more distrust. Give her time, your honest effort, and support, and you will likely be rewarded with her trust eventually.

If it helps, you can read about some of the things that helped me heal at https://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on My Spouse Doesn’t Believe Anything I Say Since I Had an Affair

I Feel Pressured to Gloss Over My Husband’s Cheating Over the Winter Holidays

By: Katie Lersch: There’s no doubt that the winter holidays are a time for families to spend together. It can feel wrong for your family to be fractured at this time. There’s an inclination to “make nice” or to “keep the peace.” 

But, of course, if your spouse has done something to fracture that same family, then family time may be altered, which can feel wrong – although this disconnect is not your fault.

A spouse might say, “My husband’s cheating is fresh. It’s only been several weeks. I don’t know what I want to do about it. Sometimes, I think that this is the dealbreaker I always told him it would be. And other times, I think that I owe it to my kids to try to work this out. I can’t say that I don’t feel anything for him. But I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get a handle on my anger and distrust. I honestly don’t know if I can ever trust him again. I don’t know if I want to try to. But here we are coming up on the holidays, and he acts as if I should go through the motions around both of our families and for the sake of our kids. It is like I am being pressured to pretend that all is well when it most definitely is not. It’s not fair and I resent it. At the same time, I would never do anything to hurt my children, and I am more concerned about their feelings than mine. But how can I save my sanity during the holidays so that I don’t have to pretend that nothing is wrong?”

I understand where you are coming from. I sometimes felt pressure to put on a fake front in front of my husband’s family because, of course, he didn’t want them to know about the heinous mistake he made by cheating. I didn’t feel it was my responsibility to cover for him. And I would sometimes feign illness or other obligations so I didn’t have to basically live a lie at the time. 

Kids Can Change Things: However, where children are concerned, that is most definitely different. Nothing about this is their fault, and they don’t deserve to suffer in any way because of it, assuming you can avoid it.  

In my case, there were times we would still do things as a family for their sake, even early on. I understand that this may not be the right choice or a tolerable action for everyone. But I was able to do it because I saw that my husband was also making an effort.

Acting and Reality are Two Different Things: I agree that this situation isn’t fair, but know that just trying to keep up appearances and the true situation can be two different things. Just because you act a certain way for the sake of the children or the family doesn’t mean that you have to act that same way when you are alone.

And it certainly doesn’t imply any act of forgiveness if you aren’t ready for that or don’t want it. None of what he did is negated just because of the need to keep the peace for the holidays.  

There is absolutely no need for you to rush yourself just because of what the calendar says or because this unfortunate event happened around the holidays.

Making Your Feelings Clear: If you suspect your husband thinks the holidays fell at a fortunate time because now you’re going to be forced to play nice and pretend, you can always try to set the record straight.

You might say something like, “I know it’s the holidays, and I’m going to participate in this as a family for the kids and only for the kids. You may appear to be the beneficiary of that, but I want to be clear. Nothing has changed. I feel exactly the same way and need exactly the same remorse and rehabilitation. The holidays don’t fast-track or negate what I need to heal. Please know that I am doing this for our family and for no other reason. It’s only for appearances right now. That might change over time, but right now that is how I feel. So I need you to respect our reality and see it for what it is.”

Hopefully, you won’t need to repeat this, and he will respect your boundaries and not try to push his luck. You can carry on with the holidays as best as you can for the kids and then revisit what you want and need moving forward after the holidays.

Yes, you may choose to act in such a way to make things easier for your children, but that doesn’t mean your husband gets a pass. It may just mean there’s a display for someone else, but there needn’t be a pause on the work you’re doing. Just make it clear that any detour is for your kids, and it’s only for show. Everything else can remain the same.

Don’t ever apologize for taking any time you need.  Don’t ever allow yourself to be rushed.  I had the luxury of going at my own pace during healing, but it still took longer than I may have liked.  Still, rushing it benefits no one. You can read more about my recovery at https://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on I Feel Pressured to Gloss Over My Husband’s Cheating Over the Winter Holidays

I Feel Like I Have a Moral Obligation to Tell the Other Woman’s Husband About the Affair

By: Katie Lersch: People sometimes forget that, if both people who cheated are married, there may be four people dealing with the aftermath of an affair. Of course, it is human nature to focus on your own feelings and your own recovery. But sometimes, you can’t help but think about the other faithful spouse – who in some cases is the other woman’s husband. 

Sometimes the faithful wife will almost feel a sense of comradery with him. After all, he may also be dealing with the emotions of being cheated on or he may still be in the dark. But neither is an enviable place to be. 

She might feel the need to reach out to him, but be unsure if it is appropriate.

She might say, “It hasn’t been long since I caught my husband cheating. He hid it well. I had to work long and hard to actually catch him because all along, he denied everything and insinuated that my suspicions were crazy. But of course, it turns out that I was right. I have asked my husband if the other woman’s husband has caught her or if he knows about the affair. My husband claims not to know because he says he hasn’t spoken with the other woman and doesn’t intend to. I don’t want him speaking to her, of course. But I can’t stop thinking about this woman’s husband. He may be unaware of what is going on, and he has the right to know. However, when I discuss this with friends, I am told that I should mind my own business and worry about my own marriage. Part of me knows that some of this sentiment is correct, but I just can’t stop thinking about it. I almost feel that I have a moral obligation to tell him. In his shoes, I would want someone to tell me. Should I tell her husband?”

The Good Reasons Not To: I can only offer you my opinion based on my experiences and observations over the years. Everyone has to do what is right for them, after all. But in my own case, I chose not to insert myself into the other woman’s life in any way. And I would make the same choice again today after what I’ve observed from other affairs.  

Why? Because there is no upside to your getting involved in someone else’s marriage. You don’t know if he knows about the affair already. He may well know. Or, the spouses may even have an understanding and have an open marriage. Or, like you, he may have been suspicious and is watching closely. There is just no way to know. But you have your own marriage to worry about and so does he.

The Upside of Moving Away from Having Strangers in Your Life:  After my husband’s affair, one of the things I wanted most was a clean break from the other woman. I didn’t want him talking to her anymore in any way whatsoever. I wanted no contact because contact would mean she’d have another way into our lives, which of course is the last thing I wanted.

Now if you go and contact her husband, you’ve inserted yourself into their lives. She would be within her rights to call you and ask why you contacted her husband. And now she has an “in” that your husband didn’t create, but you did. 

Or, the husband could contact your husband, which, again, means that the other woman’s household is in your life, which delays your ability to move on. 

I suppose some people will look at this and think it is selfish to keep whatever knowledge you have to yourself. But my thinking is that affair recovery is hard enough without taking on something additional to worry about and deal with.  

You don’t know that the husband isn’t already going through his own recovery. If not, he can demand more information from his spouse in the same way that you did. Or perhaps his wife will confess or try to be the wife her husband deserves since she has nothing to keep her interest in your household.

In truth, your inserting yourself into their household could either cause pain or drama, neither of which anyone needs right now. You could also be met with anger because your message isn’t welcome. 

That is only my opinion, and I realize that opposing opinions also have sound arguments. However, I’ve never seen this scenario turn out well when someone intervenes in this way. It just doesn’t work out as intended, and there is always regret and a wish to not have done it.  

The message is a very sensitive and painful one, and to have that delivered by a stranger adds another dimension of pain. Sure, you may feel if you don’t tell him, no one will, but you can’t know if that’s true, either. 

Ultimately, you’ll have to decide what feels right to you. Whatever you decide, try very hard to limit contact as soon as you can, so that you can get on with the business of healing and moving on – no matter what happens with your marriage. Right now, give your permission to focus on and worry about yourself first. It took me  awhile to figure that out, but once I did, I finally began to heal.  You can read more at https://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on I Feel Like I Have a Moral Obligation to Tell the Other Woman’s Husband About the Affair

« Previous Page — Next Page »