Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Despite their best efforts, many faithful wives have come to point where they’ve decided (usually with a heavy heart) that they aren’t going to be able to forgive their husband for cheating on them or having an affair. These same wives often say that they’ve tried everything that they know to do, but ultimately they think that forgiveness is just not going to be possible. And, they worry that this is going to mean the end of their marriage or of their life as they know it.

I understand their frustration because I felt it myself. But I sometimes believe that there’s a couple of things to consider and try before someone throws in the towel or blames themselves. I will discuss this more in the following article.

Have You Received Everything That You Need In Order To Forgive?: Sometimes, wives will believe that their lack of forgiveness is their own fault or is because of some weakness that they have. But, honestly, these wives are typically in an impossible situation. Sometimes, the husband is still contacting or carrying on with the other woman. Other times, the husband isn’t truly remorseful, isn’t accountable, or hasn’t done anything to improve the situation.

In other words, the wife is in a situation where she’s being asked to forgive blindly, when nothing has really changed or improved and where the husband hasn’t held up his end of the bargain. Frankly, I can certainly understand the wife’s inability to forgive because the husband hasn’t given her anything at all to work with.

Most wives need several things in order to be able to truly forgive. They need to know (without any doubt) that there is no one else in the picture. (It never ceases to astound me when I hear from people who expect to save their marriages when the cheating spouse is still wavering as to whether he wants to be with his or her spouse or the other person. It’s nearly impossible to save a marriage (much less to forgive) when there are three people involved. This is the first thing that must be resolved.)

Next, the wife will need to be confident that the husband understands just how costly his actions were, that he’s completely sorry and accepts responsibility, and that he understands that he must make things right. Husbands who insinuate that the wife is somehow to blame and do nothing to rehabilitate the situation aren’t in a position to ask for forgiveness. Plus, the more a husband cheats, the more unrealistic forgiveness becomes with each incident.

Finally, there often needs to be some real work done on trust and self esteem issues. Wanting to forgive is great and admirable. But, if you don’t have all of your doubts addressed and all of your needs met, then it’s very difficult in reality.

Understanding What Forgiveness Really Means: Sometimes, wives have decided they won’t forgive because they feel as if doing so is condoning their husband’s cheating or letting him off the hook for the same. I don’t see this in the same way. When I ultimately decided to offer this, I never let my husband off the hook and I most certainly didn’t condone his cheating.

But, I decided that for my own self health and well being, it was something that I needed to do for myself (rather than for him) because I was so tired of dragging around my anger and doubts. I truly needed to put this behind me and this was a way to do it while ensuring that I wasn’t going to continuously keep reliving it. In that sense, the act of forgiveness is really something that you give yourself rather than something that you give him. In a sense, it’s almost a selfish thing that’s focused on you rather than on him and this is entirely fine in my view.

At the end of the day, healing after cheating often requires for you to ask yourself what you need and then giving yourself permission to demand it and accept nothing less. Forgiveness works on the same principal. It’s sometimes hard to admit that you need it, but when you accept that this is something that you really are doing for yourself, it becomes easier.

Forgiveness Doesn’t Mean That Everything Will Be Fine Or That The Slate Is Wiped Clean. It Truly Is Just A Starting Point: I often find that couples feel that “forgiveness” is some magical goal that will mean that the marriage is now fine and that they are starting over as though nothing happened. I certainly don’t see it this way. You can most certainly decide that you want to let all of the anger go but still not be sure whether the marriage is going to survive (or even that you want for it to.)

There’s often still a lot of rebuilding to be done. There’s nothing wrong with offering forgiveness without knowing how things will turn out. It’s not the same thing as committing to save the marriage. It’s only one aspect of healing. It can be a starting point if you want for it to. I’ve also seen it be an ending point. I’ve seen wives who are able to forgive but who’ve also decided that forgiveness doesn’t mean that the marriage can be saved.

This is only one aspect of healing and moving on. People get so focused on this that they ignore other important issues. To that end, people often rush the process. You can still attempt to save your marriage before you’ve forgiven. You can certainly wait to see how things evolve (and how your husband acts in the future) so that you have more information from which to decide how you want to proceed. There is nothing wrong with taking a wait and see approach and just committing to being open to seeing how things evolve and develop.

And, there’s nothing wrong with asking for what you need if you don’t yet have it. Do not blame or put pressure on yourself if you’re not ready to proceed. Sometimes, it’s better to just take inventory and see what you still need than to pressure yourself to do something which you know in your heart you’re not ready to do.

If you forgive before you’re ready or before you really mean it, it’s not likely to “stick.” That’s why there’s no sense in rushing yourself or allowing yourself to be pressured. You’re often much better off making sure you have what you need and committing to just attempting to move forward until you know that you’re ready.