Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: It can be common for someone having an affair to make the suspicious spouse feel paranoid to suspect an affair. The cheating spouse will often insinuate that the faithful spouse is just seeing things, is overreacting, and is too quick to judge. They do this to get the suspicious spouse off their trail.

However, some would assume that once the affair was found out and admitted to, the faithful spouse would be vindicated, and all this insinuation of being paranoid and overly suspicious would cease.

Unfortunately, this isn’t always the case. Sometimes, the cheating spouse will keep up this facade even after the affair is discovered. 

As an example, a faithful spouse might say, “When I first started to suspect my husband of cheating and I confronted him, he acted like it was offensive of me to even hint of any wrongdoing. He acted like I’d said the worst possible thing to him, and he was very mad at me for a long time and withdrew all affection. This made things in our house feel very awkward. Eventually, I was able to catch him where he could no longer deny it. He finally had to admit it. Now – and it’s a long story, I can’t fully explain it – we’re still living together. As of now, we’re not ending our marriage and are trying to make it work, but it isn’t easy. Things aren’t great. I certainly don’t completely trust my husband for obvious reasons. And of course, I try to keep an eye on him and ask him to keep me posted as to what he’s doing. And once again, he acts as if I’m paranoid and overly watchful. He’ll ask me whether I’m going to watch him like a hawk for the rest of our lives. And to be honest, maybe I will. But doesn’t he deserve that? Can you blame me? I find it very disrespectful for him to try to make me feel paranoid when my suspicions literally came true. I don’t want to deal with cheating again. So you’d better believe I’m going to be watching closely. I don’t see a problem with that. But he makes me feel like a crazy person.”

Both Spouses’ Behaviors Are Common: I completely get why this feels awful, and it certainly isn’t fair. When your worst-case scenario comes to fruition, of course, you’re going to be hyper-vigilant. My husband didn’t necessarily make me feel crazy, but I too couldn’t watch out enough, especially at first. This reaction is absolutely normal and understandable, so don’t let anyone make you feel faulty for this understandable behavior.

At the same time, the husband’s behavior can be expected. It is human nature to try to downplay your punishment. You also want to minimize the pain you’ve caused, so you’re going to try to lessen any fallout. If you have to do that by posturing, so be it.   

And his behavior IS likely posturing. Your husband likely knows that you are justified in watching him. But he’s going to try to get you to accept less because, again, it is human nature to not want to live with dire consequences if you can help it. 

He may also think that you don’t need to be as vigilant because he has no intention of cheating again and he would hope you’d give him the benefit of the doubt. He may think that you should believe him when he honestly says that you can trust him. Still, if you’re not comfortable with that yet, it’s understandable.

Balancing the Fine Line:  Vigilance can be tricky after an affair because it’s very easy to get to a point where watching and suspecting your husband is all that you’re spending your time doing. And when you get into this cycle, it can be harder (and slower) to heal.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t be watchful. You should. But you have to balance it with prioritizing your healing. At the same time you’re watching, you’re also often trying to create a new normal and rebuild trust. It’s a balance. So while you’re being hyper-vigilant, you ideally will be working regularly on strengthening yourself so that eventually, you’re not as worried about expecting the worst.

I’d be lying if I told you that I don’t keep an occasional eye on my husband. I do. But I no longer expect him to disappoint me. I am comfortable that he won’t. But that type of transformation took work and time. And if I had short changed my healing, I might not have ever gotten there. Don’t let your watching take over everything else. Make sure you are spending just as much time (or more) on your healing.

How to Tell Him You Aren’t Backing Off Just Yet:  If your husband’s posturing is getting to be too much, you can try to address this directly by saying something like, “I know you’re trying to make me feel paranoid again, but no matter what you do or say, I’m justified in watching your behaviors. I don’t want to get burned again, and until we’ve restored the trust, this is what I need to do to feel secure. If we make significant progress, heal, and restore the trust, then perhaps I won’t feel the need to be quite as watchful. But for now, that’s what I need. Shaming me or making me feel unstable isn’t going to change anything and is just going to frustrate us both.”

You may have to repeat this until he knows that you mean it. But know that you’re behavior is normal and you don’t need to feel unstable for wanting to be careful. Just make sure that it doesn’t become all you think about or the center of your world because you also need to prioritize yourself. 

I completely understand your feeling that watching prevents disappointment and surprises. But I learned the hard way that it can also be a large source of stress. As I healed, I learned to balance the hypervigilance much better. And I believe that eventually allowed me to move on. You can read about my recovery at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: It’s a safe bet that faithful spouses are never going to forget about the affair. Sure, with time, the pain isn’t as fresh and the sting is not as sharp. But it’s impossible to forget that type of pivotal event.

However, things can be different for the cheating spouse. The affair is sometimes one of the biggest mistakes and shameful periods of their lives. So it’s something that they’d give anything to forget. 

And at times, they can seem like they HAVE actually forgotten, which can make faithful wives extremely frustrated.

One of them might say, “It has been over 10 years since my husband’s affair. It almost destroyed us. We separated for a while because of it. I became very depressed, but I was eventually able to recover and pull out of it. With tons of work and patience, we eventually recovered. I’ve never regretted not leaving. Not really. For the most part, we have a good marriage now and I love the family that we have built. I feel like we’re pretty much recovered. In fact, perhaps we’ve recovered so much that my husband never acknowledges the affair anymore. If we watch a movie with infidelity, he’ll be very judgemental toward the cheater, as though he didn’t do the exact same thing. One of our mutual friend’s husband cheated on her, and my husband said some very nasty things about the husband – as if they don’t have cheating in common. It’s almost like my husband has completely forgotten that he himself cheated. Is this even possible? Why is he acting like this?”

He Likely Hasn’t Forgotten. He’d Only Like To: I can only speculate, but this behavior isn’t that uncommon. It’s possible that your husband would just really like to forget about the affair. That was likely a shameful, painful time. It can be hard for a cheating spouse to know how much they hurt the other person and how, for a while at least, they couldn’t do much to fix it. They feel helpless watching your confusion, pain, resentment, and doubt while knowing that all of it is due to their mistake. 

Here’s another example to put things in perspective. When I was a child, I did something very stupid and immature and I hurt a female relative – who I loved then and still love today. I didn’t consciously intend to cause harm, but I didn’t think about my actions before I acted. I couldn’t take my actions back, and they really hurt my relative. It was very hard for me to watch her in pain and know that I caused it, but there was nothing that I could do to take it back and reverse it. I could only apologize and try to help – which I did – but that can only go so far. She was the one who was hurting and I couldn’t take her pain away.

Do you think that I bring that incident up when we are together? You’d better believe I don’t. I do everything in my power not to think about it – and I pray that she isn’t thinking about it either. Frankly, it happened a long time ago, and our relationship is a good one today. In my daily life, I don’t think about it very much. But if I am faced with a similar situation or something that will jog my memory, then yes, it comes to mind. And once it does, I push it out again. It’s painful. I don’t want to linger on it. I push it out even when I’m with my relative. I suppose it’s possible she might think I’ve forgotten about it or I’m too cowardly to talk about it, but only the second one is true. 

My point is that when people are ashamed and regretful of their actions, they don’t want to bring them up. So they may pretend like it isn’t on their mind because they’re hoping – with everything they have – that it isn’t on your mind. 

I’m not sure that this type of pretending really accomplishes anything for the remorseful person. But it’s often not malicious. It’s honestly an attempt to spare pain on both sides.

Should You Confront Him About His “Forgetting?”  Whether to confront him about his seemingly faulty memory depends on how much it bothers you and how often it is happening. If you’re generally content with his rehabilitation and believe you’ve healed, then I’m not sure what the purpose of picking the scab would be. 

If it truly bothers you, then you could try something like, “Well perhaps we shouldn’t be so judgemental because we were in that same situation not too long ago. We can’t pretend that we weren’t.”

This isn’t unkind and it allows him to know that if he thinks you aren’t thinking about the affair at that moment, he is wrong. It could also help to clear the air – assuming it needs clearing. It addresses the elephant in the room, at least.

But to answer the original question, I highly doubt your husband has forgotten. He would just rather not remember – and he would rather you not remember – because it was a painful time that he wishes you could both forget.   

Of course, none of us forget.  But we can move on in a healthy way.  I believe that I’ve been able to do that, but it wasn’t always easy.  You can read more about that process at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: There’s no emotional pain like the pain of being cheated on. You placed your trust and love in someone and they betrayed you in the worst way. They took your heart and they stomped on it. And it is a pain unlike any you’ve experienced.

Of course you never want to feel that again. Of course you never want another painful experience like this one. So you want to know what you can do to avoid a repeat. You want to know how you can develop a cheating radar and protect yourself.

A wife might say, “Ever since my husband cheated on me, I don’t trust a soul. I think that everyone is deceitful and, I’m horrified to say that I went from thinking that people are inherently good to feeling that I know that people are inherently bad. I know this is not a healthy way to look at the world. But I can’t help it. I feel like I need to be hypervigilant to protect myself from awful harm. I feel like there is emotional turmoil around every corner. And I honestly hate feeling this way, but I don’t see any way around it. How can I protect myself without driving myself even crazier than I already feel?”

Acknowledge That this is Fresh and New:  Franky, you are likely very raw right now and that is not in any way your fault. Of course, you want to protect yourself from future harm. That’s a natural human response. And you have every right to expect that your relationship won’t hurt you or do you emotional harm. 

Know That You Need Something Other Than a Guarantee: I have to tell you the truth. I know of no way to guarantee that you’ll never experience infidelity again. You can certainly control your own behaviors, but you can’t control anyone else. However, what you CAN do is to create an environment of reasonable safeguards so that you give yourself some relief, and then you can focus on your own healing so you have confidence in YOURSELF which means you won’t need to worry as much.

Reasonable Safeguards: I think that most people would agree that it would be silly not to keep an eye out for any issues in any relationship. No one wants to be caught blindsided and if a bit of vigilance can prevent that, so be it. After the affair, I required that my husband leave his phone on the counter when not in use and not to use the computer late into the evening. He also doesn’t travel alone anymore. If he’s going to be late, there needs to be a good reason and he needs to let me know.

I don’t think any of these things are unreasonable and if he does, he doesn’t vocalize it. He does these things without much complaint. It’s just the price of his mistake and it gives me peace of mind, so we both consider it worth it.

The Fine Line:  With the above said, I think you have to be careful. You don’t want the sole focus of your relationship to be the affair. You don’t want to spend so much time looking for another infidelity that you damage your current relationship or become obsessive about seeing deceit in others. That’s very easy to do. You don’t want to self-sabotage a healing relationship.

After my husband began making good on his promises for quite some time and I felt sufficiently healed, I felt more comfortable not having to cling so tightly to hypervigilance because, quite frankly, it always felt like I was expecting him to cheat again, and that’s only not healthy, it’s just absolutely exhausting. 

You have to be careful that you’re not watching so much that you’re not also seeing the good things and the healing that is in front of you. Going through life expecting the worst affects your happiness and confidence. You have to be careful that you’re not overdoing it.

Healing Will Solve Part of This:  I don’t want you to take what I am about to say in the wrong way. Because I’m adamant that none of this is your fault. At all. However, if you can do the work and take the time that you need to heal, you can restore some of your confidence. And with confidence, comes a bit of calm. You know that you can handle yourself if need be so you don’t have to freak yourself out every day waiting for the shoe to fall.

You know that you can live your life as healthy and as happy as possible and you will deal with anything undesirable if and when it happens. And frankly, it may not happen at all. So there’s no true need to worry endlessly about something that may never even happen.

I’m certainly not telling you to look the other way or to not keep an eye out for concerning behavior. I’d never advocate that. But I am saying that it makes sense not to allow yourself to always expect the worst and to never enjoy what you have because you dread what might happen. 

To 100% protect yourself, you’d have to swear off relationships altogether. And no one wants or needs to do that. You can try to choose the right person. You can try to keep your relationship strong. You can keep a reasonable eye out with defined safeguards, and you can try to keep yourself strong. 

Beyond that, you just have to know that you can handle whatever comes if and when, but you’re not going to assume the worst because you deserve better. No one wants to live their life in expectation of something that may never happen.

I don’t live in dread anymore.  Life is just too short for that, but I do keep an eye out because I am human.  You can read about how I healed at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many wives understand why they might have trust issues with their husbands after the affair. He violated her trust. He lied to her face.  

But what many wives don’t anticipate is how the affair might mean that she loses trust in herself. She might begin to doubt her own judgments and her ability to read people or see what is right in front of her. In severe cases, she may begin to doubt her own abilities and intelligence. 

She might say, “You would have thought that I would have had a good cheating radar. My first husband cheated on me, and I was caught blindsided. So I know the signs – at least after the fact. And I had learned a hard lesson – things aren’t always as they appear, and people you love can lie and betray when everything seems fine. And yet, with my second husband, I didn’t see it coming, and I was once again shocked, surprised, and brought to my knees. I wonder if I am just oblivious and an idiot. My second husband sure fooled me. But he fooled everyone else too. Everyone thinks he’s such a good man. So solid and honest. But it was all a lie. I now look at everyone I interact with and I wonder what I am missing. I think that everyone is hiding something. Even good people who are good to me. I look for flaws. I look for little white lies. I think that every human on the planet is trying to pull one over on me. Because I think I’m too stupid to figure things out. I’m too dumb to see the writing on the wall. I know that this is silly. I have a challenging job that I’m good at. I’ve excelled at things where I have to use my mind. But if I am so smart, why have I been fooled like this twice now? Am I just too stupid to know when someone is cheating on me?”

You’re certainly not stupid. Like all of us, you want to think the best of the people you love. And you don’t look for deception when they give you no reason to. I’ve always believed that honest people don’t look for deception in others because deception is a foreign concept to them. You’re likely an honest person who doesn’t expect others to be dishonest. That’s to be commended. 

You Are Not the One Who is Flawed:  Do not blame yourself in any way. While it may be true that you didn’t see this coming either time, you’re not the one who did the betraying. You are not the one who did anything wrong. Your husbands are. 

Do not take any of the blame onto your shoulders. You didn’t see it because you wanted to believe in your spouse. It’s as simple as that. There is no reason to be angry or disappointed in yourself. You aren’t the one who made the mistake.

When You Lose Trust in Those Who Haven’t Betrayed You, Then Your World Gets Smaller:  I understand what you are saying when you say that you began to suspect everyone of wrongdoing. I did that too. I started to think that all men cheat. I started to suspect that all wives were being duped. I was wrong, of course. I let my perceptions get skewed, and I allowed relationships with good men and good friends to become negatively affected because of my perceptions.

All this did was make my support system even smaller. Now, I didn’t tell many people about the affair. But friends and family were still my support system – whether they knew they were supporting me or not. Honestly, they were supporting me by just being there like always.  

But if you allow yourself to become so jaded that you start to suspect your support system of wrongdoing, you’re hurting yourself in more ways than one. You need them and you don’t deserve to go through the world not trusting in the goodness of people. Many people are good. Most people make mistakes. But at the end of the day, the good far outweighs the bad for most people.

When You Doubt Your Intelligence You Undermine Vital Confidence:  I suspect that you know somewhere in your heart that you’re incredibly intelligent. But it’s unfortunately normal for doubt to seep in. When that happens, it can undermine your confidence, which is unfortunate because your confidence is something you’ll need to either maintain or recover to move on. This is true regardless of whether you’re going to stay with your husband or not. 

There can be so many hits to your self-esteem after your husband cheats. Sometimes, you have to fight to keep it intact or you have to actively rebuild it. But don’t willingly give it away by thinking yourself less intelligent than you are. Don’t sell yourself short because you weren’t willing to suspect the man you love.

Don’t allow yourself to willingly label yourself as less than anyone else. You aren’t. You are just as intelligent today as you were before you learned about the affair. Your perception has changed because of what you’ve learned about your husband. If your judgment of anyone should change, it should be him – not you. You did nothing wrong. You didn’t change your behavior. But he did.

Place the lack of judgment where it belongs – with him. Not with you. If anything, it wasn’t intelligent to cheat on a woman whose previous husband cheated on her. That woman is going to already have a vulnerable place. He can now pick up the pieces of that mistake.

But you didn’t make a mistake. You were doing what you were supposed to do – trust your husband and have faith in him. That’s not unintelligent. That’s simply what most spouses do.  That’s what I did.  I didn’t see it coming, either.  But in the end, I’m not sure it matters.  However it comes, you still have to deal with it.  You still have to heal.  And that is a process.  You can read about how I did it at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Even if you are normally very confident, it’s not unusual for your self-esteem to take a hit after your husband’s affair. His having any type of relationship with someone else – no matter how superficial – can feel like a rejection of you. And you can wonder how you ceased to keep his attention and whether he’s just no longer interested.

As an example, a wife might comment, “I’m not normally someone who doesn’t give myself enough credit. I know that I am capable and that I have much to offer. I’m very intelligent. I’ve been a good spouse. But now that I’ve found out that my husband has cheated on someone younger, I am fixated on it. She’s honestly not that pretty, but she is young, and that’s something that I just can’t compete with. I take care of myself, of course. I believe that I am decent-looking for my age. But that wasn’t enough to keep my husband faithful.”

“He says it wasn’t about my looks and that it didn’t have anything at all to do with me. He said he was just being old and stupid. He swears that he still finds me beautiful inside and out. I want to believe that. We honestly had a good marriage before all of this happened. So I really want to believe that, but I just can’t get over feeling like I have to compete, and at the end of the day, I can’t. I can’t fight the passing of time. And there are younger women all over the place. My husband has done most of what I have asked. It’s not as if he’s refusing to end the affair, or demanding that I just accept it while he’s indignant about his actions. So I guess that is something. But I don’t know how I will get over how bad I feel about myself now.”

Many faithful wives go through what you are going through now. It’s nearly impossible to maintain the same level of self-esteem you had before when your spouse cheated, at least initially. It’s an immediate reaction, and no matter how much you try to calm down and think it through rationally, emotions can get the better of you. Here are some things that might make you feel better:

He’s Often Right When He Tells You It’s About Him: Your husband may be sincere when he tells you that it wasn’t about her, that it was about him. It’s very common for men who are going through their own issues with aging or other stressors to be tempted to do things that make them feel young, attractive, and vibrant again. An affair is one of those things, and it is more about how it makes them feel than about the other woman.

I can’t tell you how often I hear from people who tell me the other woman isn’t attractive, smart, or doesn’t have much to offer, but it just doesn’t matter to the husband sometimes. That’s because the affair wasn’t about her. It was about how the action made him feel about himself at the time or how it provided relief from the negativity he was feeling. 

And knowing your husband is something that you CAN compete with. If you are still invested in your marriage and are so inclined, you can support him in whatever he is going through, if you like.  

But you are not responsible for his struggles. And they aren’t an excuse for cheating. He still made an unfortunate choice. But it may help to think that the affair could very well have been more about him than about her. The fact that he’s moved on from her so quickly and easily is a good sign. 

Shoring Up Your Self-Esteem:  I definitely had to work on my self-esteem after my husband cheated. But I learned something about the process. It shouldn’t be done from a place of desperation. Because if it is, you almost project that you are less than. And you are not less than. You are the same wonderful, interesting, and vibrant woman you were before you learned about cheating. The only difference now is your perception of yourself.

It helps to remind yourself that nothing has changed about you. If it makes you feel better about yourself to work on your appearance, weight, wardrobe, or sexuality, then, by all means, give yourself permission to do it. But you shouldn’t feel like you HAVE to do any of these things if you know in your heart that you are fine. 

I did get a bit healthier and indulged in a bit of pampering, but that is because I felt like I more than deserved it. I didn’t want my husband to think that I thought there was something wrong with me or that I wasn’t enough. 

From going through this myself and from speaking with other women, what is most attractive is confidence. If you know that you are the best that you can be, then that is enough, and that’s usually super attractive.

But if you suddenly doubt yourself, become insecure, and no longer maintain eye contact, or your enjoyment of life, then you project that something is wrong with you or that something is deficient. You’re not deficient, and you don’t need to feel like you have to compete.

You can ask your husband to do the work so that you’re sure that he will continue to be faithful and you don’t feel as insecure. I found that as we healed, my self-esteem got better and better. And as I worked on myself on my own, it got even better still. Some days were better than others but gradually, my self-esteem was pretty much restored because I realized the affair had very little to do with me, so I wasn’t going to punish myself for it.  You can read the entire story at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I wish I could say that every person who cheats or has an affair would own up to it immediately and take full responsibility without offering up any excuses. But this doesn’t always happen. Instead, people want to understand and then explain why they acted the way they did. After all, the faithful spouse usually wants answers. So the cheating spouse feels compelled to offer them. And one common “answer” to explain an affair is drinking or being drunk.

A faithful spouse might explain, ” My husband cheated on me with a coworker, and his excuse was that everyone at this event was drinking so he felt peer-pressured to do so. He rarely drinks. And I know for a fact that he can’t hold his liquor because I’ve seen him on the few occasions that he drinks. It isn’t pretty. He’s really a mess. Of course, knowing this, he is now saying that the drinking was a catalyst for the cheating. He claims that if he wasn’t drunk, this never would have happened. He swears that it was the one time, and it never happened again. “

“And I want to believe that, but he gets very weird when I want to talk about this or ask questions about the other woman. So I’m honestly not sure if I believe him or not. I’ve seen a couple of texts between them since I found out about the affair, but he said they were work-related. I asked that this stop because it makes me very uncomfortable, and since then, I haven’t seen it anymore. I don’t know where this leaves me. I feel a bit short-changed. He made this mistake, and now I have to live with it. But it’s as if he thinks all he needs to do is mention alcohol, and he’s totally in the clear. So, therefore, I don’t get regular healing like many wives who deal with infidelity.”

Why You Get What You Demand: I think that you are entitled to every bit of healing that you think you need or even want. Regardless of whether you agree that drinking is a valid excuse, this was still infidelity. You will still likely deal with the same anger, betrayal, self-doubt, lack of trust, and confusion that comes with any bout of cheating. Regardless of the catalyst, the consequences are the same. They should be dealt with appropriately. The reason for cheating doesn’t negate that. Nor does it mean that you need to settle for less.

What Drinking Does or Doesn’t Do:  Drinking can most definitely lower someone’s inhibitions and cloud their judgment. People can act more aggressively or freely when they are drunk. They can certainly do things that they wouldn’t normally do. That said, most people are at least aware of what they are doing on some level when they are drunk.  

Some people think that drinking only allows someone to do what was in their mind or their heart before the drinking. I don’t know if that is true, but it is hard in many cases to blame only the drinking – and not at least partially the person – for the infidelity. 

Some Things to Think About Regarding Valid Excuses for Cheating:  Determining whether drinking is an excuse you want to honor is something that only you can decide. If YOU think it is a valid excuse, then it is officially valid. You know your husband better than anyone else, and you’ve seen him when he was drinking. For myself, I chose to consider it, but I ultimately didn’t think that it alone answered for the affair. Why? Because I had a very wise therapist tell me that there is not any valid excuse for cheating because people always have choices. Of course, this is just one person’s opinion. That line of thinking may not work for you. 

At the end of the day, though, a person’s bad choices are theirs alone. Drinking doesn’t negate consequences in a court of law because the outcome is still just as damaging, even if the person in question wishes they could undo their mistake. The damage is already done. That said, your home is not a court of law. The choice really is yours, and you have to decide what feels right for you.

The Distinction Between the First Time and Multiple Times:  An important consideration might be whether this is the first time your spouse has cheated or if there has been more than one time. It is more understandable to forgive the first mistake and then hope the cheating spouse is so repentant that they will do whatever is necessary to learn their lesson, rehabilitate and become the faithful spouse that you deserve going forward.

That is a very different situation from the spouse who has now gotten drunk and cheated more than once. Obviously, the first time this happens, that is a cue that your husband can no longer drink alone and without you being present. If he chooses to do that, then he’s not making you and your marriage as high a priority as his bad decisions, and he’s showing a high likelihood that he will re-offend. 

This is different than the husband who has made a mistake once and never ever does it again or never repeats the behavior that made him vulnerable in the first place.

Regardless of my husband’s excuses for cheating, I had my own requirements for healing that I really wasn’t willing to compromise about.  I knew that if I didn’t truly heal, I could not fully participate in the marriage again, and that wouldn’t have been fair to either of us.  You can read more at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: It’s no fun to feel as if you are at the mercy of your cheating spouse for information about the affair. In the early stages, he can and does tell you what he wants you to know. However, typically, as time goes on, information begins to leak out and you begin to learn more specific information about what really took place. And, while you often want to know the truth, this additional information can be painful. An example is when you thought you were dealing with a one-night stand and then learn that perhaps you were dealing with an affair all along. 

Someone might explain, “When I originally found out about my husband’s coworker, he confessed it to me. He came to me after he had been drinking, and he had been crying. He said he had to tell me something, and then proceeded to say that he’d had a one-night stand with a coworker. He swore it didn’t mean anything. He said he didn’t even like this woman in a day-to-day setting. And he said he is avoiding her like the plague at work. He also told me that she wasn’t even remotely interested in him because she has young children and doesn’t want to jeopardize her marriage in any way. He made it sound like this is his life’s biggest regret, and that it was over and he would never do it again.”  

“Initially, I was devastated, and I didn’t know how I was going to cope with this, but I did a lot of work, and I finally figured if he had enough integrity to come clean, then I could at least try to meet him halfway and just see what happened. After I did that, I honestly thought that we made some progress, but then I got an email from this other woman apologizing to me about the affair and assuring me that it was over. When I responded back that my understanding was that it was just a one-night stand, her response was…. ‘umm, no, it was more than that.’ When I confronted my husband, he said she was just trying to cause trouble. Now I don’t know what to think. I thought she had small kids and didn’t want any trouble. But now it seems like she’s not above making trouble. And now I find myself doubting my husband, and I worry that all the progress we made was false because it was made on a lie.”

Ask Yourself Why She’s Doing This: This new information does put you in a rough spot, but I’d suggest asking yourself why this other woman would want to reach out to you. It’s always my tendency to take any declarations the other woman makes with a grain of salt. I always wonder what is in it for her. Sometimes, I feel like she has an agenda or she is just looking to boost her own ego or keep the drama going. In the end, if she is really sorry for cheating with your husband, wouldn’t she just go away and allow you to heal with that same husband? The fact that she seems to want to insert herself into your life suggests that she may have an agenda. It was always my strategy not to engage or assume she is a reliable source of information. If you do, she may continue to reach out, and it will be even harder for you to move on. You need her out of your life, not in it.

Keep Looking For Clues That It’s Really Over:  Despite what she has said, you’ve indicated that you’ve made progress. I assume part of that is that you believed it was truly over and that your husband’s behavior confirmed this. Continue looking for behavior that indicates he’s serious about moving on with fidelity – no going out without you, no traveling, no phantom phone calls or texts, no computer or phone late at night, etc.

If you continue to see this type of forthcoming behavior and he continues to act in a way that you find truthful and rehabilitative, then some wives will choose to continue to trust him until he gives them a reason not to.

I admit that of course there is a chance that this was an affair rather than a one-night stand, and he minimized it because he was afraid that you could never move on if you knew the truth. In other words, he lied partially because he was afraid of losing you. That doesn’t make it right, but this is admittedly possible.

To me, the bottom line always comes back to if it is truly over right now. Because in the end, a one-night stand and an affair have the same type of recovery. The relationship must end, and there must be regret, rehabilitation, and rebuilding. He should prioritize your healing and embrace the behaviors that mean you won’t have to deal with a repeat performance of this ever again. These things should happen even if you are dealing with a one-night stand.

Both types of relationships have their own sets of things to overcome and their own reasons for happening. Many people think that an affair is worse, but a man who has a one-night stand has the same impulse control issues as the man who has an affair. Some men just have a one-night stand because there is no opportunity for an affair.

It is up to you to decide if you can or want to move on in the rehabilitation process, but I would not let this woman’s claims undo the hard work that you have done. Worry about your own well-being and your own healing, watch your husband closely, and see what the coming days bring. You do not need to decide what to do right this second. As long as the relationship is over, you have options.

I didn’t decide to stay with my husband right away. I took my time to watch his behaviors and to see how much I was able to heal.  I do not regret staying, but I understand that this may not be the right decision for everyone.  You can read more at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Few faithful spouses are fully satisfied with their spouse’s behavior after an affair. Sometimes, he’s not sorry enough. Other times, he is indignant, clueless, or uncaring. Some husbands refuse to show much of anything. Others have very strong reactions and behaviors. Regardless of how they behave, wives usually dislike at least some of it.

One less common example that a wife can take exception to is passivity. And because this issue is less common, wives can worry that they’re wrong to be put off by it.

A wife might say, “I’ve always liked my husband’s assertiveness. He goes after what he wants – which is the exact opposite of me. He’s a go-getter and I am much more subdued. I’ve always kind of lived vicariously through him in this way. I see his assertiveness as a very masculine feature to which I am drawn. But this masculine go-getter of mine had an affair and showed this feature to someone else. Ever since I caught him, his personality has changed. Now he’s suddenly shut down and borderline passive. He defers to me now and I, too, am a very passive person. So now we have two people who can’t make up their minds and who are quiet little mice. I know that this is a very petty complaint. I know I should be complaining about his accountability, level of sorrow, and transparency. We’ve had issues with some of these things, but I have to be honest and say that he does appear to be really trying. I can’t pretend he hasn’t been trying to do what I ask. But I’m not sure how to ask him to go back to his regular self. I don’t know how to articulate it without sounding so petty.”

I don’t think it’s petty. But I do think there may be a reason that he’s suddenly passive. And I also think there’s a way that you can bring it up in a positive manner. I’ll discuss all of these things below.

Why a Man May Change Parts of his Personality After the Affair: Although passivity is a less common change, it’s not uncommon to see personality changes after an affair. Often, the man perceives that this part of his personality is problematic or perhaps suspicious so he wants to tone that part of himself down. In this case, the wife sees his aggressiveness as a masculine trait. And chasing women can also be seen as masculine. So perhaps this husband doesn’t want his wife to see him as the aggressive go-getter who pursues what he wants when it comes to women. 

He may also think that his passivity is just being agreeable, and he may assume that, since he’s already on thin ice, it is to his benefit to be agreeable to a fault. He may want to give you as much of what you want as possible – not realizing that this is not what you want.

How to Tell Him the Passivity is a Pass: You probably don’t want to come right out and tell him that he’s become a spineless mouse. That would only make him defensive. Wait for a time when he once again defers to you and says something like, “I miss how you used to make quick decisions and pursued what you wanted. You don’t have to think that you need to defer to me all of the time. I know that’s not who you are. You don’t have to pretend otherwise. I’m asking that you are honest, trustworthy, and rehabilitating. But I’m not asking you to completely change who you are.”

He may be relieved at this, or he may try to tell you that he wasn’t consciously trying to change everything. The truth is that he may not realize that he is doing this because he’s just trying to tread lightly. 

Understand That Both of You Might Have Careful Behavior:  It’s normal for both people to be on measured behavior after the affair. No one wants to make things worse or make another mistake. Many faithful wives describe this period as “fake” or “inauthentic.” The faithful spouse can become harsher than is normal for their personality, while the cheating spouse can become softer to try to be accommodating. These changes aren’t always permanent. As healing begins and things calm down, personalities can eventually return to normal.

Important Perspective:  I know that you are annoyed by his behavior in more ways than one, but try to remember that he may have changed because he thinks it will make you more comfortable or happier. Once you make clear that it hasn’t, hopefully, it will be a smooth change back. It’s very important to ask for what you need because no one is a mindreader, and husbands generally aren’t that great at guessing or at knowing exactly how we feel. My husband definitely changed parts of his personality after his affair.  And it went on for longer than I wanted.  But part of that was because I didn’t speak up and some of that was because it took some time to heal.  Today, we are both much closer to the true version of ourselves. You can read more about our rehabilitation at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: After your spouse cheats or has an affair, things can feel tainted. You can feel as if the life you thought was yours wasn’t really yours to keep. It can start to feel that it was all a lie or that you were the only one who was truly in the right kind of love and actually committed. The marriage you thought you had is now in question in multiple ways. And it can be hard to look at that same marriage with anything but scrutiny.

What used to be fond memories now make you unsure. It may actually be painful to think back on memories that used to bring you joy. A wife might say, “Everything I see in my house causes me pain right now. I love photographs, and I have them in every room. So I regularly see pictures of my husband and me from when we were dating until now. The pictures always show us smiling, having fun, and looking in love. They used to bring me comfort, and I rarely walked into a room without looking at them and smiling. Now, they make me want to cry. Because I recently found out that my husband has been cheating on me. So now I look at those photos, and I think that at least one person in them was living a lie. I wonder if those loving looks were all fake and if he didn’t love me in the way I thought. He says that I am being ridiculous about this and that of course he loved me then – and he still loves me now. But if that is true, why did he cheat? I used to always like to remember back to memories my husband and I have shared over the years, but now I feel like all of that is completely ruined. My husband is begging me to try to look at this in another way, but I don’t think I can.”

The uncertainty you are feeling is very common. I felt it very deeply. I don’t think the question is how to stop feeling it because, in my experience – at least initially – those feelings are going to come. I think the real question is, can you eventually stop feeling it if you are open to saving your marriage despite the affair? For me, the answer was yes, but I have to be honest. The process took a while. And I’m not here to knock anyone who doesn’t want to wait or put in the work. This decision is very individual, and there is no right or wrong answer. Nonetheless, I’ll share some ways of thinking that eventually helped me overcome this below.

One Mistake Doesn’t Necessarily Negate Everything Else: I wasn’t able to have this thought until I’d done a good deal of healing. I could have never thought like this initially. But today, I look back at everything we went through, and I realize that although my husband made a horrible mistake, he is still the man who never waivers when I need his support, and he is still the man who has been there for me through some very hard times – despite what it has cost him personally to do so.  

He’s still the man who makes me breakfast on Sundays and who dresses like Santa Claus for neighborhood children. I can’t pretend that none of the good times happened, just like I can’t pretend that the bad times didn’t happen. Doing so is actually disrespectful to me because it assumes that I spent my entire adult life being duped. I don’t believe that is true because my husband spent years after the affair making sure that I knew that everything before the affair was real. I honestly don’t think someone would do this if they weren’t still very invested in their spouse and marriage.

The Memories are as Much for You as They are For Him:  I used to think that I was punishing my husband when I refused to look back on our lives. But I now realize that I was only hurting myself. The life experiences that formed the memories have not changed. All of those things still happened – just as I remembered them. What had changed was my perception. My perception changed for only one reason while the memories were formed from so many good things. In other words, the memories had longevity and numbers on their side. There was more good than bad.

My grandfather is deceased, and after he passed, thinking of him was painful because his passing was fresh. However, today, I love thinking of him. We had wonderful memories. It still hurts to know that we won’t be making any new memories. But that doesn’t negate the wonderful memories that we had, and I don’t want to cheat myself by not allowing myself to remember and feel them.

Your memories with your husband may become like this again – if you want them to and if you can heal.

Your Feelings Can Evolve:  As I’ve alluded to, how you feel today may not be the way you feel six months from now or in some years. I certainly don’t feel as raw, angry, or damaged as I did right after the affair, but I worked very hard to heal. I’d never pretend that I’m fine about the affair happening. That will never be true. It was a very painful part of my life. But I’ve had painful parts of my life that have come and gone. The affair is one of them. I realized a while back that I didn’t want to continue to drag that kind of pain along with me, like a heavy burden that is never going to go away. This would have been true no matter what happened with my marriage. It’s just too big a burden to bear.  (You can read about how I moved on at https://surviving-the-affair.com

None of this means that you can happily look at your wedding pictures tomorrow, but it might mean that you will be able to in the future. Your reaction now is normal, and it isn’t indicative of how things are going to turn out. Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to heal, and you may feel differently in the future. If not, these are your feelings, and you have every right to them. But it may be too soon to know how you’re going to feel in the long term. 

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By: Katie Lersch: Husbands and wives rarely agree about consequences after an affair. The faithful spouse generally wants appropriate, swift, and lasting consequences, while the cheating spouse wants to express their regret, make things right, and then move on with picking up the pieces of their life.

But here’s the problem. Recovery isn’t always linear. And it doesn’t happen on anyone’s timeline. It doesn’t happen because it’s convenient, either. Sometimes you feel like you’re making progress, and the next day, you move several steps back. And this is actually normal and not your fault.

Many faithful wives are frustrated when it seems as if their cheating husband is rushing them to completely put the affair behind them when they aren’t anywhere near ready to do that.

One might explain, “There’s no denying it. My husband cheated egregiously. He showed himself to be a liar and a manipulator. He showed no real regard for my well-being or for our family. And now he thinks that he can just go to a few counseling sessions and move on. I’m not ready to do that. I still don’t feel that things are normal, and I don’t know when I’m going to feel that way. I still require his regret and his rehabilitation, but he seems to think he’s already done that, and he doesn’t have to keep doing it. I’ll ask him questions about the affair, and he’ll tell me he’s already answered them. Maybe he has in some cases, but I ask again because I’m still unsatisfied with the answer. He needn’t think he can just wrong me this way and I’m going to have to drop it. But that is what he’s posturing about. He says he doesn’t know how long he can go on living in a world where he’s always the bad guy, and everything he does is wrong. The thing is, he is the bad guy in this story. I am certainly not, but he’s trying to make it seem like I am unreasonable in some way. I don’t know many wives who would be willing to just let it go like this. I do believe the affair is over, but I don’t believe recovery is.”

I am a wife who dealt with this, and I did eventually let it go – mostly. But not before I healed properly. And I am sure that healing took longer than my husband anticipated or wanted. But I made it clear to him early on what I would need, and I didn’t want to compromise – although I ultimately did, at least a little. I’ll share some things that helped me below.

The Difference Between Rehabilitation and Revenge:  If I’m being honest, there were times when I was absolutely hateful to my husband after his affair. I had no interest in trying to be cordial to him. And even as we were in recovery and he was doing basically everything I asked, I still punished him with my words and my coldness. In every way I could, I let him know that he was on thin ice with me. I let him know that I didn’t truly consider him my equal partner.

Yes, he deserved it. But no one is going to live like that indefinitely. Once you’ve had the time to truly heal and rehabilitate, you likely want to approach the situation with the spirit of cooperation and respect. If you can’t do that, then you probably still have some healing to do, and that is perfectly okay. In my experience, healing is something that you cannot rush.

Making Sure You Have the Most Effective Methods of Healing:  I’m not going to tell you that there’s a right and a wrong way to heal. Or that there is a deadline for it. There isn’t. But over time, you should feel like you’re at least making a little progress. If you keep churning the same old problems the same old way over and over again with no dent in the resentment or anger, then it may be time to try something new or to ask yourself if some of your needs aren’t yet being met. Often, the cheating spouse will give pat responses thinking this is what we want to hear, but we really want his attention, sincerity, and honesty. When we don’t get that, we’re frustrated and we lash out. And then he pushes back. It’s a vicious cycle because we don’t identify what we still need.

Asking for What You Still Haven’t Gotten: Sometimes it helps to ask yourself what you still haven’t gotten. There are common things that slow this process down – not feeling he’s sincerely sorry or honest, not feeling that he understands how this affects you, not feeling that he’s making an effort to be trustworthy, and doubting his sincerity are landmines that many people get stuck in.  

But if you can identify them, then you can be honest with your husband and tell him where he’s still falling short. Sure, you may have to be careful how you say it, but sometimes, if you don’t say it, then you’re still going to come up against that issue, again and again, frustrating you both.

So if his answers still frustrate you as was described above, you might try something like, “I don’t mean to harp on it. I know that we’re both tired of going around and around, and I want to move on as much as you do. But if I don’t provide the answers that I need, I can’t. Please don’t answer me, in the same way this time. Let’s start to turn the corner. I know that we both have to give some, and I want to, but I also need answers.”

Sometimes if you explain it to him this way, he will have a little more patience. He’s dealing with fear too – fear that this is his lot in life, and it’s never going to change. Fear that you aren’t ever going to see him in the same way again and are always going to punish him so that the two of you can’t be happy or live in peace. As I alluded to, I did let go of the fallout eventually.  But I made sure I had what I needed first.  You can read more at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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