Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Many wives struggling to deal with infidelity wish they could get their husbands to think (and act) in a certain way. Struggling to process the fact that your husband has betrayed you is already a huge uphill battle. But having a husband who acts as if he’s suffered no fallout from his actions is doubly difficult. Many wives are already filled with resentment because of his behavior. Add his apparent lack of remorse and accountability, and the situation seems almost unworkable – at least initially.

Understandably, many wives want to figure out a way to “make” or “get” their husbands to feel (and then act) a certain way. They want to figure out a way to inspire him to show sorrow, remorse, or accountability. Better yet, they’d like to get him to demonstrate some affection to restore some of their dignity and self-esteem.

One of these wives might say, “I caught my husband cheating on me with a younger woman. When I try to talk to him to get details as to why he might have done this when we both feel that we had a good marriage, he acts as if the reason is obvious. It’s as if he thinks it is self-evident why an older man would cheat with a younger woman when the opportunity presented itself. He hasn’t yet given me a heartfelt apology in which I can actually believe. He’s said he was sorry, but it wasn’t sincere at all. I want him to feel dreadfully horrible about what he did. I want the for guilt to weigh him down. I want him to feel compelled to fall over himself to express his love for me so that I don’t walk out on him. But he has done none of these things. What can I do to make him feel what I want him to feel? I want him to feel guilt, remorse, and affection. And I want him to demonstrate these feelings out in the open. How can I bring these emotions about?”

Try To Avoid The Most Common Mistake: I have a definite opinion on this because I too tried to “make” my husband feel and then demonstrate all of the things that I desperately needed to see. And I wasn’t very unique in my approach. I did what most wives attempt to do. I tried to demonstrate how angry and damaged I was due to his behavior. I tried to make him feel guilty about what he did to us. I laid it on as thickly as I could. And I didn’t get the result that I wanted. His initial inclination was to defend himself, and to downplay the effects his behavior caused. In the beginning, he wanted to argue that none of this was quite as dire as I was trying to portray.

And while his response was maddening, it was very common. It is human nature to participate in self-preservation when you feel attacked. No one wants to feel as if their behavior is unredeemable. No one wants to feel like the constant bad guy. As a result, these husbands will often attempt to defend themselves – which puts you on opposite sides. And this is very far from what you actually want.

Don’t Give Him An Easy Way To Justify His Behavior: To not feel badly about himself, a cheating husband must, at least in some way, attempt to justify his behavior. And admittedly, it can be very difficult to justify cheating. But it’s easier when your wife is a nag who is always out to bring you down. Always keep in mind that cheating husbands who have recently been caught are commonly looking for a sound reason for their behavior. And the easiest cop-out is to turn the tables on you. Don’t make this overly easy on him as I did. Instead, try your best to conduct yourself in a way that is above reproach. I’m NOT saying that you have to pretend like his behavior is okay. It’s obviously not. But it helps to remain as calm as you can. I know that this is a tall order. But don’t make it easy for him to see you as the aggressor. Don’t make it easy for him to think, “no wonder I was driven to cheat on her.” Instead, you want him to wonder why in the world he would make the grave mistake of cheating on you.

You Can’t Make Him Feel What You Want Him To Feel, But You Can Certainly Encourage The Desired Feelings By Shifting Your Focus: You may have already started to suspect that you can’t make a husband feel what you want him to. In fact, he often has a very strong motivator to resist your attempts to make him feel awful about himself (self-preservation.) But you can encourage the feelings you want to see.

You must understand that he must see you favorably to feel affection for you and in turn, to feel guilt for hurting you. And he may shut down that affection when you constantly tell him what an awful person he is. This is why you hold your head up high and you play up the “disappointment” rather than the outright hatred or fury.

I know that this is a challenge and that what I’m asking may seem impossible right now. But remember the end goal. Try to pause if you feel yourself losing control. There’s nothing wrong with momentarily leaving the room rather than allowing things to deteriorate to the point of no return.

He will often feel protective of you when he sees your pain, while he’ll be more defensive when he sees your fury. Try to show him what you want him to see.

Please know I’m not in any way implying that you don’t have a right to your anger and outrage. You do. But if you unleash it all at once, you lessen your chance to inspire the feelings from him that you want. Ask yourself what would make you feel affection and guilt if you were in his shoes?

Chances are you’d be more likely to feel it if you could see his pain and vulnerability rather than his hatred and fury. Always keep this in mind. I know you’re juggling many competing thoughts right now.  But try to conduct yourself in a way that inspires empathy rather than defensiveness.  I didn’t always do this perfectly, but I was aware that is was necessary.  You can read the the whole story at https://surviving-the-affair.com  

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By: Katie Lersch: I’m not going to pretend that any wife who is dealing with an unfaithful husband has an easy time of it. No matter the circumstances, dealing with a cheating husband is a cruel heartache. There is rarely an obvious bright side. That said, wives who deal with husbands who’ve actually moved out to be with the other woman seem to have been dealt a double blow – the infidelity and the abandonment. Not only does she have to grapple with the fact that her husband has cheated, but now he believes that he’s invested enough to leave his home – and his married life – for the other woman.

Although this scenario leaves many wives reeling, their reactions differ greatly. Some wives literally say good riddance and figure that they are better off without a man who would treat anyone this way. Other wives aren’t sure how they feel and need more time to process all that has happened. And there is another subset of wives who, above everything else, just want him to come him. They figure that they can sort through the cheating once they get him home. These wives know that this desire is confusing to some, but they can’t help how they feel.

One of them might say, “I’m embarrassed and a little ashamed. But I can’t help it. I found out two weeks ago that my husband has been cheating on me for months. He left no clues. I didn’t suspect or catch him. I know because he told me. And he told me because he intended to move out the next day to be with the other woman. He pretty much just announced it in a very detached way to make it clear that there was no way that I was changing his mind or making him feel guilty. He basically said that he was very sorry, but there was no denying that he wanted to be with the other woman. I am stunned, of course. But I am also devastated. I have built my life around this man. I can honestly say that I am a good wife. And my husband even admits this. But he says he can’t help who he wants to be with. The only information that I have about the other woman is the little that I’ve been able to gather from social media. She is younger, but she’s no beauty. She’s not particularly successful. And I suspect that she’s not particularly bright. So I don’t see the draw, and I’m wondering what I can do to get him away from her and bring him home? What steps can I take?”

I will tell you my honest opinion, but I have to admit that my own husband did not leave or continue on with the affair. Still, I believe that there are universal truths that all incidences of infidelity share. Here are some things to keep in mind first:

You Can’t “Make” Your Husband Do Anything When He’s Not Thinking Or Acting Like Himself: You’ve probably already seen this with your own eyes, but husbands who are under the spell of an affair are not themselves. You can’t reason with them. You can’t shame or guilt them. Because they have already cleared whatever emotional or intellectual hurdles they needed to clear to allow them to justify their cheating. Any inner turmoil has been worked through, or they wouldn’t be moving out.

Once you accept this, your strategy will need to change, as follows.

You Can Sometimes Change The Way He Thinks About You: This is a hard truth to face, but it’s important to face it. For whatever reason, your husband has decided that he would rather be with her. This means that, at least for right now, with whatever flawed thinking he is using, he thinks that her company and companionship are preferable to yours.

Now, with any luck at all, your husband will eventually begin to think rationally again. But until then, you can help yourself by being REALLY honest. If you could hear his thoughts, what would his criticisms of you and your marriage be?

Are ANY of them valid? Again, you’ll help your cause if you can be honest with yourself. For example, I had to admit that I’d just gotten too comfortable and complacent. This way of life was pleasing to me, but it was obviously not pleasing to my husband.

So I did adjust so that I became more open to new things, more outgoing, and less judgmental and closed-off. I did this even knowing that my marriage might not work because I didn’t want to take these attributes into my next relationship. I didn’t want these flaws to keep me from living my best life, regardless of what happened with my marriage. (Although it did survive and recover.)

Anything you can do (in a natural and convincing way) to show your husband that his assumptions about you may be wrong can be helpful.

Allow Him To Change The Way He Feels About Her: You may have already realized that the more you try to point out her shortcomings, the more your husband will defend and cling to her. Don’t give him that opportunity. Consider biding your time and allow the relationship to die a natural death. The truth is, statistics show that it’s rare for an affair relationship to last or to thrive. Yes, there are some exceptions. But for the most part, once their relationship is no longer hidden, it will become more of a regular, everyday relationship. Eventually, she will start to make demands. Eventually, it won’t be new and exciting anymore. And hopefully, eventually, he will realize just what he gave up for something that wasn’t so special after all.

When this happens, he may be embarrassed and ashamed so he aware of that. He is less likely to come home if he knows you’re going to rub salt into his wounds.

Focus On Strong, Open Communication Rather Than On Him Coming Back Home: If he knows that your only goal is to get him home, then he’s going to know that most of what you say is based on your agenda. You are much better off just trying to maintain some form of decent and open communication, with the attitude that you don’t know what the future holds, that you intend to see what happens and that you’re just trying to make the best of this for all involved.

Quite frankly, if you act as if you’re only concerned about getting him home rather than making any real changes or improvements, how enthusiastic will either of you be moving forward? It’s very important to create an improved relationship if you truly want any reconciliation to work.

You want for him to wonder what he could have possibly have been thinking to cheat on a wife like you. And it’s easier for him to do that if you approach this with respect for yourself and a desire to improve this situation for BOTH of you. The story of how I attempted (and partly succeeded) in doing this is at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Most people understand why the faithful spouse is angry after infidelity. They have every right to be. They were the spouse who was lied to, betrayed, and disrespected. But few people understand why the cheating spouse would get angry. This is often true of the cheating spouse herself. Understandably, these spouses are confused about their anger and question whether they have a right to it. So most often, they will attempt to tamp it down, hide it, or deny it altogether.

Someone might say, “I find myself walking on eggshells in my own home and my fist are constantly clenched. You’d think that I was the innocent party with the way that I am acting. You would think that I was the one who was wronged. But it’s not true. I am the one who cheated. And I know that I am an idiot. I always assumed that my husband would be the one to cheat on me. I always wondered how I would handle it because I’ve seen so many of my girlfriends struggle, and my heart has broken for them. Instead, I am the one who brought about this pain. I am the one who was sucked into a relationship and a reality that wasn’t real. And I am the one who is left behind now to clean up this colossal mess. My husband has every right to view me with scrutiny. He has every right to keep me at arm’s distance. But it’s a really awful existence in our home right now. Our lives are filled with endless tension, and it doesn’t feel like it will ever end. Still, I don’t completely understand why I’m so angry. I am the one who cheated. And I deserve every negative emotion that comes my way.”

I would never assume to know what anyone else feels (or even why they feel the way that they do.) But I do know that it’s normal to feel a huge range of emotions following the affair, including anger – regardless of whether you are the faithful and the cheating spouse.

Disappointment Can Lead To Anger: People who are aware that cheating was a grave mistake are often very disappointed in their judgment, their impulse control, and their behavior. They know that their actions have caused pain and damage. And most of the time, they know that most of this is their fault (even if they aren’t outwardly admitting this to even themselves.) In these types of situations, self-anger might be directed outward, especially if it’s painful to admit these truths to yourself. In reality, though, no one is as angry at you as yourself.

Frustration At “No End In Sight” Can Also Cause Anger: Many people who have committed infidelity feel trapped or stuck in a nearly unbearable situation. Understandably, their spouses don’t trust them and are hurt and angry. And they’re in a situation where they have to face what could possibly be their biggest mistake each and every day in the face of the people they’ve hurt.

They know that they may deserve the situation that they find themselves in. But that doesn’t mean that the situation is bearable. Often, they look around and realize that this type of hell might last for a very long time and it can feel as if there is no way out. Understandably, this would make anyone feel a combination of frustration and anger.

Beginning To Heal Or Regaining A Sense Of Control In Any Capacity Can Be A Balm For Anger: I can only speak for myself. And I was admittedly the faithful spouse. But my anger began to abate a bit when I was able to re-establish at least a minimal sense of control. When I felt like I was at the mercy of other people’s actions and mistakes, I felt rage. And this lasted for a while. But as I began to heal and see that there just might be light at the end of the tunnel, it was easier to begin to let go of some of that anger.

Until then, I had to get good at channeling the anger. I would have intense workouts or creative work sessions to direct my anger so that I wasn’t turning it toward other innocent members of my family.

How To Control What You Can: Admittedly, you can’t force your spouse to forgive you. And you can’t control what decisions he will make moving forward. But you can try to show up for your spouse. You can make good on your claims of accountability. You can do what is asked of you and have the patience to hope that these things will eventually matter.

You can make sure that your behavior is something that you can be proud of moving forward. You can attend counseling – alone if your spouse refuses to go, but together if he is willing.

You can’t change the past, but you can most certainly and without any doubt have a say in your future.

Use The Anger As Fuel: I know that it’s painful to sit with your anger. But what if you could make it work for you? What if you could use it as fuel to take an active role in recovery and healing?

Again, I can’t speak for anyone else’s experiences other than my own, but I can tell you that although I get angry about normal, everyday things from time to time, my anger about infidelity is no longer constantly bubbling under the surface. Sure, the stray memory or anniversary will still cause me to have a bad day here and there. But I am no longer in a constant state of despair and uncertainty. I am not sure how long the anger would have lasted if I’d not been able to get resolution, healing, or a sense of control. But I know that all of these things helped. (You can read about my recovery at https://surviving-the-affair.com)

I know it can feel as if this is never going to end. But it does. You can try to bring about this end earlier by taking responsibility, and doing whatever you feel is necessary and right to bring about closure and/or forgiveness. Honestly, it won’t be an easy or fast process. You may get rejected initially. You may get tired of having to repeat the process over and over. But when you finally get to the other side, the work is worth it.

I often have people tell me that they don’t know how they’ll ever forgive and trust themselves after this. I believe the only way to do this is to work tirelessly to become a person who is worthy of forgiveness and trust so that you can more easily accept these things once they are offered. Once this happens, you’ll likely feel a good deal of relief.

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Photo by Everton Vila on Unsplash

By: Katie Lersch: I can’t tell you how many people have told me that their spouse doesn’t love them – and has never truly loved them – since he cheated. Even spouses who don’t believe this can have friends or family who make the same proclamation.

The thinking goes that there is no way that someone who sincerely loves you, prioritizes your well-being, and respects you in the way that a spouse should would then cheat on you.

Someone might explain, “My husband’s cheating has hurt me in ways I’ve never been hurt before. The deception and the lying have brought me to my knees. But do you know what hurts me more than anything else? The thought that it was all a lie. My husband’s claims that he had never (and could never) love anyone as he loved me were all a lie. Because you don’t cheat on someone who you genuinely love. I could never cheat on him. Because I truly love him. And I would think about him the entire time. Clearly, he was not thinking about me. Clearly, he put his own disgusting needs ahead of any love he claims he felt for me. Of course, now that he’s caught, he claims to love me more than I can possibly imagine. He quit the gym where he met her. He’s been going to counseling on his own. He canceled a vacation with his college roommate that he attends every year without fail so he could stay home and try to make this right. He insists that he wouldn’t do all of these things if he didn’t love me and want to be with me. I don’t believe him. This is only loving after the fact. If he had a real love for me, he wouldn’t have cheated in the first place. Right?”

I would never disagree with any wife’s version of the truth – especially in this situation. And every husband, and every marriage, is different. So I can’t answer this question for you. But I can tell you that, over time, I have come to believe that there are people who cheat on others whom they love very much (and continue to love.) Not every cheating spouse falls into this category. But I believe that some do. I’ll explain why I think so below.

The Percentage Of Cheating Husbands Who Claim To Love Their Wives:
According to a study done by Rutgers University, 56% of surveyed cheating husbands claimed to love their wives. These men aren’t looking to leave their marriages. They’re happy in them. They will sincerely tell you that there’s nothing wrong under their roof and they believe what they’re saying. They wouldn’t hurt their wives for anything. But still, they cheat. They often cheat because of factors that have less to do with their wives and more to do with themselves or their struggles and upbringing.

I’m not making excuses for them. I believe that everyone has free will. No one is forced to cheat. No one has an affair under duress.

But I also believe that some men can compartmentalize their lives so well that when they claim their affair has nothing to do with how they feel about their wives, they believe they are telling the truth.

I’ve seen men who hang in there for months (or even years) after an affair despite their wife telling them that the marriage no longer stands a chance. I’ve seen men happily endure an endless supply of anger and coldness from their wives who can’t or won’t forgive the affair. I’ve seen husbands repeatedly humble themselves in counseling and willingly give up their own privacy and freedoms to make their wives comfortable again. If these things aren’t the product of real, enduring love, and/or a desire to remain married, what is?

That doesn’t mean that his version of love is enough. You can require other things of him. Or you can tell him that it will never be enough. But that doesn’t mean the love isn’t there or isn’t real.

Reasons Men Cheat That Have Nothing To Do With Love: There aren’t enough words to describe every possible reason that a man will cheat on the wife he loves. Some cheat because they can. Others cheat because of low self-esteem. Or addictions. Or boredom. Or curiosity. Or convenience. Some grew up in a household where cheating was the cultural norm. Some have friends or coworkers who create a culture of cheating.

No matter which of these categories a man falls into, many will loudly proclaim that the affair meant nothing. Many of them honestly planned to continue on with their regular lives as if nothing happened. Most of them didn’t anticipate their wife finding out.

Do some husbands not love their wives anymore and want out of their marriages? Yes, there is definitely a subset of men who fit into this category. But there are also men who do not.

There’s Nothing Wrong With Making Him Prove His Claims Of Love Until You’re Satisfied: For some wives, an affair is a deal-breaker, and that’s all. No amount of work, or counseling, or time is going to fix it. The wives aren’t even willing to attempt to fix it.

Other wives aren’t sure what they want. Although they may believe that no loving husband would ever cheat, they may have children to worry about. Or they may still love him or be invested in the marriage, despite their pain and disappointment.

These wives sometimes take a “wait and see” approach and then lay off what they need from their husbands to feel loved and secure again. He claims that he’ll do anything to make this up to you? Well, nothing says you can’t watch and see if that’s actually true. And if he falls short, you can define what you need that you aren’t getting. And then see if he can provide it. What’s the downside?

I’m not trying to convince you to hold onto the husband who you doubt if that isn’t what you want to do. But I am making the argument that there are men who have cheated but who love their wives. Many of them go on to repair their marriage and remain faithful.

I’ve seen it and lived it. Did I completely believe my husband’s claims that he still loved me after his affair? Definitely not. But did I wait and allow him to try to prove this to me over a period of time? I did. And he did prove it. And I don’t regret giving him one chance to do so. You can read about that at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: There honestly isn’t an ideal time for a spouse to cheat. Even if you are flying high in life, having a spouse cheat on you can knock you down very low. However, it’s fair to say that some people endure an affair at the worst possible time. And that can make the recovery from said affair just that much more difficult. Here’s an example:

Someone might say, “I will admit that menopause was not my finest hour. I developed some physical and emotional problems. I fell into a deep depression. My appearance changed – for the worse. And this just made me feel doubly bad about myself. And it is at this time that my husband decided that he wanted to leave me. I admit that I wasn’t the world’s greatest wife at this time. But there have been plenty of times when he wasn’t the world’s greatest husband and I’ve always stuck by him, no matter what. The idea of leaving or abandoning my spouse when things get hard would never cross my mind. If anything, it would make me more loving because I’d want to help him when he needed me the most. Not so of my husband. About four weeks after he left, I found out that I had a life-threatening illness. I admit that he constantly checked in and offered to go to doctor’s appointments with me. But he did not come home. My health became dire. I had to take an indefinite leave of absence from my job. During one hospital stay, one of my kids called my husband and must have guilted him pretty badly, because shortly after this, he asked if he could come home and care for me. I was not in any position to refuse help, so I agreed. Very slowly, we reconciled. And I was grateful. Until one day my husband admitted to me that he was having an affair the first time he left and even during my diagnosis and illness. In fact, he had broken it off only right before he came back home. He says he realized that he was being an idiot, but he needed to come clean now because he didn’t want anything between us. Part of me thinks I have too much going on to dwell on this now. But the other part of me – the loudest part – thinks that there’s no way that I will ultimately be able to trust this man. And regardless of where I am, I cannot brush this under the rug. How will I ever be able to trust him? But how am I in a position to send him packing?”

I’m not sure that you need to do either immediately. His behavior in the past does not dictate that you need to rush yourself into a difficult decision right now.

Worry About Yourself First: I suggest that you place your focus on YOURSELF. You need to take care of you right now. What do you need? What do you want? Your husband has indicated that you are now his priority. Yes, he’s a little late. And yes, he made a horrible mistake. But he is there right now. So that means you have the luxury of time and perspective before you need to make any major life decisions.

You’ve been through enough turmoil to last you a very long while. And it doesn’t seem as if he is going anywhere. Give yourself the time to recover your health and then to steady yourself with your new work and home situation. You’ve been blown off-kilter on all fronts. This is a huge amount of information to process. Let your husband know that you’re going to need lots of time and probably even more healing and restoration, although you understand that this is a process.

You Don’t Have To Hand Him The Trust On A Silver Platter. He Must Earn It: “How can I ever trust him again?” is probably one of the most common questions that I get. However, it’s fair to say that you have special circumstances for asking it – since you were betrayed when quite vulnerable. Still, all women feel vulnerable when betrayed by an affair. Trust is always extremely hard to come by after infidelity. And the answer is basically the same. You are under no obligation to give him your trust. You are well within your rights to make him earn it.

And that’s often not a fast process. He must show you – time and time again – that he is truthful, transparent, sincere, and well-intentioned. There is no room for deception or hesitancy of any kind. You have a right to place him under scrutiny. You will be suspicious as he tries to prove his sincerity. But as he proves it – over and over and over again – eventually, you become confident that you can trust in it. This takes time. I am not sure there is any shortcut to this. Sure, you could have blind faith. But then you’d also have doubts. To have confidence, you also need time and consistency.

See This As YOUR Second Chance: Your recovery in your health and the open-ended nature of some aspects of your life means that you can define your own path forward. You can navigate this as you like. Menopause and health issues are huge challenges. But you still have much living to do. And you get to decide how you want to do that and who you want to include in your life.

If you aren’t sure if you want him in it, you can honestly discuss your reservations with trust and layout exactly what you need from him to make some progress. He can either do what you’ve asked or not. But at least he understands what is required. And by being very clear about what you need, you can analyze his reactions and behaviors to better gauge how motivated he is to make this right once again. This will give you much more information than you have right now.

In summary, though, the answer to the question of how you’ll ever trust him again is that you watch and you wait – assuming that you want to give him a chance. You don’t make any decisions until you’ve defined for him what it will take to regain your trust. And then you see if he rises to the occasion – over and over again – until one day you are comfortable that he earned your trust.

I know that this all might seem easy for me to say. But it isn’t.  I’ve been through a similar situation.  Restoring the trust didn’t come easily.  But it did come.  You can read about that at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: There’s no way to sugar coat it. No matter how much you try to lean on your integrity and deal with the affair in a healthy way, the sex issue is going to come up. It’s going to be that thing between you that you really don’t want to talk about but know, deep down, that you must.

Cheating, having an affair, or committing infidelity means that your partner has had sex with someone else. So of course you are going to want details about the sex. Of course you are going to want to know if it was the sex that kept your partner from thinking clearly in the first place. Or if it was the sex that kept your partner coming back.

At the same time, many wives hesitate to broach the sex issue. Because they know that once they do, there is no going back. For better or worse, you’re going to have to deal with whatever his answer may be. And once you get an image in your head, it is very hard to erase that image – even if you begin to recover or improve in other ways.

A wife might say, “For the longest time, my husband would walk away when I tried to ask him about sex during his affair. He would act offended as if I had no right to ask this. Finally, I told him that I deserved an answer and that if he didn’t give it to me, I didn’t see how there was any hope for us. I told him that he was purposely keeping me in the dark so that my assumptions were probably always going to be worse than reality. So he finally caved. And do you know what his response was to me? That the sex was ‘different but not better.’ He wouldn’t give any more specifics than this. How am I supposed to interpret this? What does this mean?”

The Catch 22 Your Husband Is In And The Mental Gymnastics You Must Play: Your husband has the most accurate answers to these questions, but he’s unlikely to willingly answer them. Why? Most likely because he suspects that there isn’t much upside for him. No matter what he says, you’re not going to be pleased with his answer. If he claims that the sex was awful, you’re going to suspect that he is lying. But he knows better than to give positive details about it. So he is going to have a price to pay no matter what he says. And he is well aware of this.

Unfortunately, you can’t know exactly what happened because you weren’t there. So, how you interpret his words is really up to you. And I have some suggestions about that based on my own experience with infidelity.

What We Know About Affair Sex: It is pretty well established that most men who cheat are not unhappy in their marriages and do not want to leave their spouses. It may surprise you to learn that as many as 60 percent of men who cheat say that they have a fulfilling and satisfying sex life. So why cheat? Because it’s not just about the sex. Most people who cheat have no intention of doing so. It is typically an act of opportunity, not of intention.

And it also typically cools down. Statistics tell us that long-term affairs are quite rare. So the sex usually does not keep a person coming back forever – just until the novelty (or whatever the cheaters are getting out of it) wears off.

This means that the sex and the relationship are usually not meaningful for the people doing it. Realistically, there can be excitement in novelty and newness. But, most spouses report feeling guilty about their cheating, which does cut into the excitement.

There May Be Some Truth To What Your Husband Is Telling You: I’ve dialogued with a good deal of men who’ve cheated. Most have crushing remorse about their cheating (even if they don’t show the same to their spouse.) Some even felt that remorse as soon as the cheating started. Yes, many of them get a thrill out of doing something that they know is off-limits. And yes, it can feel good to feel desired by someone who is under no obligation to desire you. Feeling good about yourself in this way can be alluring.

But it is also fleeting. And for many husbands, there is nothing substantial or real behind it. There is no history, no real connection, and no intention that this is going to last. So how can that type of sex be better than sex with a partner who knows who you are and what you like?

Moving On Very Deliberately When It Comes To Sex: I understand the temptation to want to get the sex out of the way or to prove to yourself that your husband still desires you. But I’d caution you against rushing into it until you are absolutely sure that the time is right. If it’s awkward then that might reinforce the doubts you already feel.

If you still aren’t ready to move forward, then you might feel used. I forced myself to wait until it was very clear and obvious that the time was right and I’m very glad that I did. It makes sense to be very deliberate when you are trying to rebuild your sexual confidence. You want to do everything in your power to build yourself up so that both you and your husband KNOW that your husband is very lucky to get a second chance with you.

Don’t allow your mind to run away from you regarding the other woman. If things were so great with her, then why is he still trying with you? Why is he still there, even though it can’t be easy to face you right now? It is likely the answer is because he wants to be. Sometimes, that is the best place to put your focus.

I know that this isn’t easy.  There are no perfect answers. But you can turn the corner.  This doesn’t have to ruin your life.  You can read more about my journey with this at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Most of the people who reach out to me are women. However, I occasionally hear from men or husbands. I’ve come to believe that many of them are sincere in their requests for information. It must be obvious that my inclination is going to be to empathize with wives. Yet, some men still reach out because they’re looking for information to help their wives (and their marriages) to heal.

A common question from them is something like this: “I made a huge mistake and cheated on my wife a couple of years ago. My wife calls it an affair, but I believe that it was just cheating. I did not consider it to be a long-term relationship. I did not care about the other woman. I did not intend for the cheating to have any meaning or impact on my life. When my wife found out, I very willingly ended things. And I cut off all contact without hesitation. None of this was difficult because I didn’t have that much attachment to the woman or to the affair. So I’m a little surprised that here we are nearly two years later, and my wife is still thinking about the “affair.” She doesn’t even try to hide it. She still asks questions about the relationship and the other woman. She still becomes withdrawn sometimes. She still acts as if she can’t trust me. I’ve stood by her for these couple of years and vice versa. I’ve been faithful. And yet, she still lives in the past sometimes. I don’t understand why she can’t move on. Why is she still thinking about this two years later?”

I will try to answer this as clearly as I can, but I do concede that it is sometimes difficult for cheating spouses to put themselves in the shoes of the faithful spouse. Because doing so can be painful. When you see the world through your spouse’s eyes, you have to admit how much pain your actions may have caused. I bring this up because what I am about to write may be painful in the same way. But I’m going to be honest because, from my own experience, I’ve come to believe that you can’t heal something that you don’t acknowledge. I hope that something I mention here will help to turn the lightbulb on so that you understand what you are dealing with, and hopefully can turn the corner so that both you and your spouse feel more peace and contentment.

Your Wife May Be Still Thinking About The Affair Because She’s Still Struggling To Process It: I find that the spouse who had the affair often underestimates how much it alters the world of the faithful spouse. I know that it is very difficult to put yourself in your spouse’s shoes. But just for a few minutes, please try. The view you have of your life on the day before you find out about the cheating is very different from the view you have once you find out. Because on that day, your whole world changes. You suddenly have to question the marriage you thought you had, and the spouse you thought you had, and the life you thought you had. It can feel as if your whole life was one big lie. This can make it difficult to trust others, and even to trust yourself. You worry that everyone you love has the potential to betray you. Worse, you begin to doubt your own ability to evaluate what is actually happening around you.

Make no mistake. This is an event that can make it feel as though your life is falling down around you and there isn’t much that you can do about it. So of course you’re going to continue to think about the cause of that. You’re trying to protect yourself from allowing this to happen twice, because you don’t know if you could handle this more than once.

Your Wife May Be Ruminating Because Not Enough Improvement Has Taken Place: Now that I’ve disclosed the depressing side of this issue, I want to offer some hope. In my experience, once you’ve healed, you are much less likely to dwell on the affair. You find that you only think about it when something happens to bring your attention back to it. Thankfully, for many of us, this no longer happens all that often.

If your wife is still ruminating, you want to ask yourself if you’ve done enough work to help her turn the corner. Because when you’re not making progress, you have nowhere else to turn your attention other than the negative. You keep running it over and over in your mind because you still aren’t getting any relief.

Ways That You Can Help Your Wife: I know that you want your wife to stop thinking about the affair, but have you ever stopped to consider how painful it is for her to revisit it day after day? I can tell you that with a great deal of confidence that she doesn’t enjoy continuing to think about it. She very likely wishes that she could stop. So what can you do? You can approach her with an offer of help rather than asking why she’s still going on about this. You can listen to her without trying to pressure her or insinuating that she hasn’t made enough progress. Ask her what she needs from you and sincerely listen to her response. Think about her pain rather than your own. I know that you are tired of this, but try to imagine how tired she is of this.

I hope I’ve answered your question in a way that makes many of the possible answers more obvious. She’s still thinking about the affair because it was such a shock and because it knocked her world off its axis. She’s still struggling to right herself and the world around her. Asking yourself how you can help her do this is going to be much more effective than continuing to wonder why she can’t let this go.

If it helps, there’s more about what it takes to move on from an affair once and for all at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I’ve commented that most affairs will burn themselves out fairly quickly. And this is true much of the time. But unfortunately, I hear from plenty of folks dealing with long-term affairs that have lasted months, or in some cases, years or even decades. Trying to move past an affair is very difficult, even when you’re sure that it ended in a relatively timely manner. It’s even harder when it continues to linger on, with seemingly no end in sight.

So why do some affairs last much longer than others? I’ll give you some theories below, in the hopes that it might help if you are dealing with a similar situation.

Why Most Affairs Burn Out: Before I get to the long-term affairs, I want to briefly discuss why most cheating relationships are over relatively quickly. Understanding this will help you understand why a small subset of affairs don’t fall into this category.

Most of the time, the excitement just begins to wear off. The thrill begins to wane and so the cost of keeping the secret and sneaking around just isn’t worth the cost of admission anymore.

Or the affair is discovered. And once this happens, a choice must be made. When given this choice, most people are not going to blow up their marriages just to continue a diversionary relationship that didn’t mean that much.

Finally, sometimes things are moving along relatively okay but one of the affair partners begins to want more from the relationship. Unless both people feel the same way, the relationship will end under the weight of this pressure. Typically, the person who has no interest in leaving their marriage will end the affair.

How A Long-Term Affair Is Different: Now, it is just common sense that long-term affairs won’t have the relationship-ending elements that I’ve discussed above. In other words, you’re not going to have the discovery of the affair, and the thrill is not yet gone. For whatever reason, both parties still want the same things.

Having Their Cake While Eating It Too: Quite often, the affair is allowed to continue because both affair partners can carry on without consequence. They can have their marital cake and they can eat it too. Often, both affair partners are in a stable, long-term committed marriage that may have real history and affection. Detection is less likely in this situation because their spouse trusts them and is going to give them the benefit of the doubt. As such, they’re able to continue on in exactly the same way that they always have. Most of them will insist that they deeply love their spouse, but that they care about their affair partner in a different way. They will continue to participate in and enjoy the benefits of their marriage. But they’ll get something else entirely from the affair.

This situation also makes it more likely that neither affair partner will demand more from the other. Why would they when they are already getting the best of both worlds?

The Affair Relationship May Be Off And On. They May Believe They Just Can’t Quit Each Other: Another possibility is that the affair relationship waxes and wanes. Sometimes, the affair will end as spouses get suspicious or one of the affair partners becomes guilty or invested in their marriage again. And time may go by where the affair partners aren’t in contact.

But then, something will happen or one of them will reach out and they will pick up the affair once again. You’ll often hear them say things like, “it’s like no time passed at all.” Or “we just can’t seem to quit one another.”

Sometimes, they will take this to mean that their attraction or affection for each other is so great that they just can’t seem to end the relationship. So they’ll continue to break away and then come back for more and it becomes an unhealthy, but unending, push and pull.

The Affair Becomes More Of An Emotional Crutch, Habit, Or Friendship Than A Full-Blown Affair: Finally, some affair relationships actually do burn out physically, but it has continued for long enough that the affair partners have developed a reliance or emotional dependence on one another. This is the person that they tell the things they do not tell their spouse. This person is still their emotional outlet during difficult times. There is never an intention to leave the marriage or even to have the passionate physical affair relationship that was there in the beginning. But since the intense physical part of the affair is over, they stay for whatever part still brings comfort or familiarity.

How To Handle The Long-Term Affair: I am always understanding when people resist counseling, but this is a situation that is quite complex and will often greatly benefit from a neutral third party to point out things that you may both miss. It is often much easier to allow the therapist to be the one who pushes your spouse for transparency and accountability, although this should eventually be your goal.

It should be clear that your spouse can no longer enjoy both relationships. He’s already proven that if he can, he will. You’ll have to work extra hard on rebuilding the trust because you’re not dealing with a one-night stand or a momentary lapse. You’re dealing with him carrying this out over and over again, day after day. Therefore, you both must understand what his payoff was and find a healthier alternative.

You must believe that you both can be genuinely happy in this marriage again so that you can trust in it. And you deserve to be happy and secure. This is most definitely one of the most challenging scenarios, but I’ve seen couples overcome it.

My situation was not that long-term, but it was infidelity.  And we did eventually recover.  It it helps, that story is at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Some wives who have the misfortune of having a cheating husband decide pretty early on that this is a deal-breaker from which there is no recovery. No matter how much these wives may wish that this wasn’t their reality, they know that it is. And they believe that no matter how much they may love their husband or want to save the marriage, it just isn’t going to be possible. Because they believe that they’ll never be able to fully heal. There will always be mistrust, resentment, and a betrayal that can never be forgotten. So they tell their husband to move on. Often, this is a bit heartbreaking because the husband is begging for a chance to make it right. But the wife knows that she can’t offer this, so she sends him on his way. She fully believes that this the right call. Until he begins seeing someone else – and sometimes – the other woman. The wife’s reaction to this may have her questioning if she made the right choice after all.

She might say, “I have always made it very clear that I would never tolerate cheating of any kind. My father was a serial cheater, and this ruined my family. I firmly believe that cheating is a choice. If you make that choice, then you’re choosing to put your marriage and family in jeopardy. This is not acceptable to me. So although my husband has spent the past several weeks begging me not to kick him out, I did just that. Believe it or not, that wasn’t easy for me. I had very mixed feelings. Deep in my heart, I still love my husband, and I probably always will. However, I watched my father make these same promises. But he never kept them. My mother had to deal with the cheating over and over again. I will not make the same mistake. For a few weeks after he left, my husband called me every day and asked me to reconsider. I refused, and I told him that there wasn’t any chance that I would change my mind. I told him to leave me alone and move on. Well, it seems that he took me at my word. I heard from mutual friends that he is now openly dating the other woman. I am ashamed and embarrassed to say that this is devastating to me. I meant what I said. But he claimed that he was completely over the other woman and that she meant nothing to him. Did he lie? Is she just a consolation prize? If he over me just that quickly? Why does this devastate me when I am pretty sure this is what is best for me and what I need to do?”

You are truly the only person who can answer these questions, but I can give you some theories. Before I do that, I want to stress that you should not be too hard on yourself.

Give Yourself Permission To Prioritize Your Own Self Interests: You stuck to your convictions, and you have every right to look out for yourself and to do what you believe is best for you. I firmly believe that there is no one right call after an affair. There is only what is right for you. And that is going to differ for everyone. It is a very individual choice. That said, here are some theories. And they are only that – theories. They may hit the mark, or you may decide that this is something else. But whether they hit home or not, how to proceed is ultimately up to you.

It Hurts That He Can Move On So Quickly: Speaking only for myself, I can tell you that it’s possible to push your husband away after an affair and then secretly hope that he is going to keep coming at you, hoping to change your mind. After all, this would prove that he is being honest. He’s being truthful about his wish to make this up to you and to save your marriage. And that obviously would make you feel a little better. (Or at least it did for me. In truth, I pushed my husband away almost as if it were a test after the affair.)

But, when he cuts his losses so quickly – even when you told him there was no hope, this makes you question his sincerity and his feelings for you. And that can hurt. Incidentally, this doesn’t mean that he isn’t acting out of his own hurt. Perhaps the other woman is just a distraction because he doesn’t want to be alone with the consequences of his actions. Maybe he is just trying to make you jealous or get a reaction out of you because he doesn’t want YOU to just walk away from HIM. Regardless of the reason, it still hurts to think that at least it appears that he can give up so quickly.

This About-Face May Be Causing You To Question Your Own Feelings: Many of us fully believe that cutting him loose is the right call. And we may even believe that, because we are right, it will be easier to move on. However, you can’t turn your feelings off and on, no matter how much you may want to. It’s normal to wonder if your pain means that perhaps you aren’t as ready to cut your losses as you had assumed. Many wives in this situation will wonder if they acted too quickly. They’ll ask themselves if perhaps they should have given their husband a chance instead of just throwing him away. Is this pain telling you that you made the wrong choice?

I’d argue that you don’t need to answer this question immediately. I believe that you can give yourself a little time to see how this all plays out. You don’t need to make important life decisions in this instant. You can watch and wait. You can see what happens with the other woman. You can see how you feel next week or next month. And you can watch your husband’s actions in the days to come.

The truth is, you may not know the correct path today or tomorrow. You often need a little more information from both your husband and yourself. You’ll need to give your feelings time to unfold authentically. And it may well turn out that indeed, you were right all along. Or, you may decide that you have every right to re-evaluate.

Yes, this is going to hurt no matter what happens moving forward. You were justified in your anger no matter what action your husband is taking right now. You are always justified to make the decision that you feel is right at the time. That was true last week, and it will be true next week. Give yourself some time to just sit with this, and know you’ll be in a better position to evaluate where you want to go from here as you gather more information. But you don’t need to decide this instant. Give yourself some time and space. The devastation may not mean anything other than this stinks, and it hurts.

But know that you did nothing wrong. You made the decision that you thought was right with the information you had. And you can continue to do this, even as things evolve.  My feelings most definitely swung back and forth after the affair.  I ultimately decided to give us a chance.  But I defend everyone’s right to make the decision that is best for them.  I don’t believe that there is always a perfect answer.  There is just what feels the most correct for you.

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