Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Many wives who have caught their husband cheating or having an affair understandably have a few choice words for the other woman. Some of them are inclined to confront her face-to-face. Thankfully, most people calm down enough to realize that such an encounter may be too volatile or unpredictable to be healthy. 

As a result, many wives come to believe that the “safer” strategy might be to send the other woman a DM, text, email, or some sort of message. However, when many of them begin to craft such a message, they struggle somewhat. They aren’t sure what to say to this woman. Should they shame her? Guilt her? Illicit her sympathy so that she’ll know that the wife is a human being and a real person with feelings? Tell her the harm that she’s done? Threaten her? What is the best play, when you aren’t sure how she might respond?

Someone might say, “Because I demanded that my husband give up his phone when I confronted him about his affair, I can use his phone to send the other woman a text, email, etc. I suppose that I could also look her up on Facebook. I thought about calling her, but I’m afraid I will get emotional and my voice will break up. I do not want to sound weak in this encounter. But I’m not sure what to say in a note or message, either. I think that she is probably a horrible person to cheat with a man she had to have known was married. There are children’s things in our vehicle. I just don’t know how she couldn’t have known that she was affecting someone’s family and children. And I want her to know how evil I think this is. I also want her to know if she comes near my husband again, I will do my best to publicly shame her, not that she likely cares. I talked to my girlfriend about this, and she had an interesting point. She asked me what was going to happen if this lady responded back to me with all sorts of painful information that is only going to make this worse? Should I expose myself to this? Don’t I need to know regardless?”

I think that my answer might surprise you since I’m also a wife who has been through this. And my opinion on this has only gotten stronger as I’ve seen other wives deal with this and have watched this encounter backfire in many different ways.  

Don’t Give Her Any Opportunity To Control The Narrative: To be quite honest, I don’t think it’s in your best interest to allow her to tell you how things went. Yes, both people in this scenario have a reason to bend the truth or to flat-out lie. But at least with your husband, you know him well enough to spot his lies and you can continue to question him when his claims that don’t make sense.

In contrast, she is free to tell you whatever she wants. And frankly, most people aren’t going to paint themselves as the villian. It is self-preservation to want to make yourself believe that you were justified in your actions. That means she may try to make your husband into the pursuer. She may tell you that they are deeply in love. She may tell you that your husband is looking for a way to abandon your family when none of this is true. 

She could also apologize and admit fault, but in my experience, this is less likely.

You don’t know how she might react, which is why this is risky no matter how you slice it, especially when your husband can provide her with the same information – that the affair is over. 

Don’t Give Her Any Real Estate In Your Head:  The main reason that I didn’t want to dialogue with the other woman in my situation is that I know myself well enough to know that if there were ever a conversation between us, I was going to replay it over and over again in my own head. I was going to endlessly ruminate on the things she said and the things that I should have said but was too upset to get out. 

Honestly, this would have delayed my healing. I just didn’t need that. My husband said it would end. And believe me, I watched closely and intently to make sure that this was true, so I just didn’t see the need to include her in the process of our lives and our ability to move on.

I wanted her out of our lives immediately. So I certainly wasn’t going to invite her into it.

If You Must Write Something:  I understand that many wives just cannot let this go and feel like must have a say. If this is the case, I’m going to strongly suggest that you let your husband send the message. If you must be the one to send it, sit on whatever you are going to send for at least a day before you actually send it. That way, some of the emotion will hopefully have died down and you can think about the message rationally.

Because at its core, this message is really just this: I know about you. Your actions were destructive to my family. My husband is ending the affair. There will be no further communication. 

What more is there to say beyond this that she will actually hear? 

I am not sure that you want to try to elicit her pity or her guilt. You don’t need her to pity you. And you don’t know enough about her to know if she will feel guilty. She doesn’t need to know anything personal about you. Don’t let her intrude any more than she already has.  

And make absolutely sure that she can’t continue to engage with you and attempt to have the last word. If you (or your husband) are going to send a text, you need to change the number. If you’re going to DM, you need to block her afterward. Do not send her an email from a personal account that you want to use every day. Do not threaten her in any way. Because you honestly don’t know her side of the story. You also don’t know how she will react to any of this. 

If you absolutely must do this, simply let her know that the affair is over. And then do not engage with or contact her again. Because the sooner you both can stop thinking about and communicating with her, the better.

Again, if it’s not already obvious, I think it’s preferable that you not dialog with her or allow her into your life anymore. But I know that some are going to insist on doing it anyway. In that case, I would recommend keeping it very simple and short with just a few sentences to tell her that you know about the affair and it is over. Then shut down all further communication.

I am not trying to tell anyone what to do.  I’m just trying to help you heal as soon as possible.  Because that is when you are going to start feeling better – not when you engage with the other woman.  You can read more about healing at https://surviving-the-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: It’s absolutely normal to be furious with a cheating spouse. It’s even normal to find them repulsive after the affair. As a result, many faithful spouses have no desire to be loving or intimate with the cheating spouse. For some, this could mean no sex, no hugging, and no kissing. And for others, it can mean absolutely no touching at all.

A wife might say, “I probably haven’t touched my husband in any capacity in over three months. I know that sounds awful. But ever since I found out that he cheated on me, I just can’t bring myself to show him any sort of physical affection. I think of him betraying me and showing extreme physical affection to someone else, and I’m just not inclined to be affectionate to him. Last night, he actually broke down and started crying. He asked how long we were going to continue acting like angry strangers in our own home. I told him that I had no idea because I’m still angry and I still feel incredibly resentful. Why should I show him consideration when he didn’t show me the same? He tried to reach out his hand to me, and I pulled my hand away. I admit that I felt sad after I reflected on this. There is a part of me that wanted to respond to him. But I just couldn’t allow myself to do it. Am I wrong to not want to touch him?”

Why I Think That Your Feelings Are Justified But Potentially Limiting: I certainly wouldn’t say that you are wrong. I understand how you feel. After my husband’s affair, I told him straight away that I was taking sex off the table for a while. I needed time to process things (and to determine what I wanted moving forward) without having to worry about anything else.

I believe that my stance was fair, and my husband agreed to it. That said, I don’t think that you would want to live this way for the rest of your life regardless of what happens with your marriage. I hope this article will offer something valuable to help you move forward – even a little bit.

Don’t Try To Put The Cart In Front Of The Horse: I think that the biggest reason that I could not tolerate a physical connection with my husband was that I was still so injured. I was still reeling. Trying to touch or even to be emotionally connected just felt fake and insincere. I would have felt taken advantage of if I did something that I didn’t want to do. And I was also still too angry to reward him with anything at all coming from me. That may sound petty, but it was just the truth at the time.

But do you know what else is the truth? It takes so much energy and is so painful to be this wounded all of the time. So even if it is only for your own well-being and ability to feel at peace, you’re going to want to heal and eventually move on in whatever way works for you.

Healing doesn’t mean that you have to forgive your husband if you can’t or don’t want to attempt that. It is not something that you do for him. It is something that you do for yourself.

Even better, after you have made some progress with healing, you can begin to let go of some of this anger because you won’t feel as angry and out of control anymore. When that happens, you may feel differently about what you can and cannot do.

But remember that this is always your choice. Don’t feel pressured to do anything that you are not ready for or to give anything that you do not feel has been earned.

A Tiny Place To Start: This wife said that she did feel a tiny bit of compassion toward her husband and felt a tiny inkling to reach out to him. This tells me that she is a bit conflicted and not 100% on board with continuing to offer him no encouragement or kindness at all. I completely understand keeping him at arm’s length when you are this shocked, betrayed, and angry. But I have to be honest with you. This situation is not going to be sustainable in the long term.

One day, you will want to feel compassion and empathy again, even if it is not your husband who is the most frequent recipient of that empathy.

Tricks And Tips: I found a couple of tricks that made that possible for me while I was still trying to decide what I wanted to do about my marriage. First, I made it clear that I was taking married behavior off the table until further notice. This way, I did have to deal with expectations or pressure. However, this didn’t mean that my husband and I didn’t communicate. We did.

Second, since my husband was not going to mistake any compromise for reconciliation, I was free to try to at least be cordial. As I said before, it got very tiresome to remain so furious. If I wanted answers, if I wanted lengthy and honest explanations, then I was going to have to be open and listen. And I couldn’t do that if I turned him away.

And one way that I tried to be open was to separate the behavior from the person. Yes, the affair was deplorable and deserved all of my contempt with no redemption possible. But did my husband deserve this personally? Yes, he did a horrible thing. But he’d also done some wonderful things. I wasn’t sure if I wanted him to be my husband anymore, but I couldn’t pretend like he was an evil person either. I could at least give him the courtesy of listening to what he had to say so that we could both say our peace to see if anything could eventually be salvaged.

Free Yourself From This Perpetual Prison Regardless Of What Happens With Your Marriage: Regardless of whether you want to stay married, you will want to eventually effortlessly show compassion and empathy when it is appropriate. Otherwise, you’re sentencing yourself to a compromised life for something that was never your fault.

I’m not saying that you need to get physically close to your husband tomorrow. You never have to if you don’t want to. I’m just saying that while I understand what you are going through right now, I think that you deserve better than that in the future – whether you are getting that from your spouse or from someone else. And in order for that to happen, give yourself permission to heal. You deserve that.

Giving myself permission to heal was the kindest thing I did for myself.  Because at the end of the day, this process was about me.  Not about him.  You can read the rest of the story at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many wives would love to believe that their husbands can have female friends without any ill consequences. In a perfect world, both spouses could maintain close relationships with members of the opposite sex while maintaining a happy, intimate, and fulfilling marriage. Thankfully, many couples can do just that.

But some couples initially believe that they are capable of this, only to discover later that this was not their reality. Admittedly, very few people become close with a person of the opposite sex outside of their marriage with the intention of inappropriate behavior from the get-go.

Rather, it starts quite innocently enough. It may even begin as (and remain) a legitimate friendship. But at some point, that friendship crosses the line, and both people believe that real feelings have developed. What happens then?

A wife might say, “the woman who my husband has become very close friends with is, quite frankly, lovely. I like her also. But had I known that my husband would develop romantic feelings for her, I would have kept her at arm’s length. They worked on a neighborhood project together, and I encouraged it because I was too busy to participate. My husband is a friendly guy, so I didn’t worry when I saw them smiling and laughing together. My husband smiles at and laughs with everyone. But then I started noticing them calling and texting one another at times when I knew that there was no neighborhood business. It also seemed that my husband was taking many neighborhood walks and jogs where he’d just happen to run into her. It started to give me a weird, troublesome feeling, so I confronted him about it. At first, he acted angrily and denied everything. But after I presented him with everything I have observed, he sighed and admitted that he probably had developed a tiny crush on her and had a tiny bit of romantic feelings. Still, he insisted that she is just a friend. He also stressed that nothing will change. He told me that he loves me, is committed to me, and intends to stay put. I gathered myself and announced that I don’t want him spending time with her anymore. He countered that he made a commitment to the project, but I insisted that plenty of other people could do the project. Since then, he’s been pouting and pulling away from me like I’m asking for something outlandish. Did I handle this correctly? Should I continue to worry about this? I do believe him when he says he loves me. And I also believe that he would hesitate to leave our family.”

Why I Believe You Should Be Careful And Observant: If I hadn’t been through what I have with infidelity, I’d respond that this wife is in great shape with nothing to worry about. And honestly, that could be true. I could very well be projecting my own feelings and fears onto this situation. However, it’s not uncommon for this issue to come to roost later, even if the husband is completely sincere when he tells the wife he isn’t going anywhere. Again, most people don’t have the intention to cheat. It usually happens strictly out of opportunity or vulnerability. 

At the very least, your husband has had the opportunity and he’s admitted that he’s somewhat vulnerable to his feelings toward the other woman. So I would be careful without completely driving the both of you crazy. Here are some suggestions to strengthen your marriage and protect you against this vulnerability. 

Give Him Something Else To Do While He Isn’t Engaging With Her:  The last thing that you want is for him to ruminate over her. Find ways to occupy the time he would be spending with her so that he’s happily spending it with you. During the time he would be working on the committee, take him to a new restaurant or do something that you’ve always wanted to try together. Find a time-consuming couple’s hobby that brings you closer together. If you can bring a sense of newness and excitement to your relationship, he won’t be as likely to think about her and your marriage won’t be under attack. 

Make Sure You’re Connected Emotionally And Physically:  Since your husband insisted that he loves and is committed to you, it appears that he is at least still attached emotionally, but it’s extremely important to ensure that you’re still clicking physically. I hate to say it so plainly, but when he looks forward to getting physical on a regular basis with you, then he may be less likely to be tempted by her. You want to be as close to your husband as you can possibly be in every conceivable way.

A Caveat: I don’t want to imply that cheating husbands have affairs because their wives don’t satisfy or pay enough attention to them. I don’t believe this and it infuriates me when people insinuate the same. However, I’d be dishonest if I didn’t admit that there were some vulnerabilities in my own marriage that I wasn’t willing to see before the infidelity. This doesn’t excuse my husband. And his actions were most definitely in no way my fault. But addressing these things may have made our marriage less vulnerable. 

And having the strongest marriage possible would have only made us both happier and more fulfilled.

Watch Closely But Don’t Make Him Feel As Though You Don’t Trust Or Understand Him:  It’s probably clear by now that, considering my history, I think that any wife would be naive not to watch her husband closely under these circumstances. You want to make sure that he’s honoring his promises and not finding excuses to still see her, or worse, for them to carry on as “just friends” who share some sort of attraction. 

Again, even if your husband doesn’t intend for this to happen, it can. So just keep an eye out, while continuing to build up your own relationship with him. You can watch without conveying the notion that you don’t trust him.

You don’t want to push him away or make him feel defensive – especially if he’s no longer doing anything wrong and is being completely trustworthy.

But, you also want to know at the first sign if her threat hasn’t actually gone away.  It’s very helpful to nip infidelity in the bud quickly so that the damage doesn’t spread. I believe that was part of why I successfully survived it.  You can read more at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: There are various reasons that people will stay in the relationship after one partner cheats or has an affair. Some reasons are perceived as more valid than others. Remaining in the relationship for the benefit of a couple’s children is usually perceived as one of the best, most valid reasons. But that doesn’t mean that people who are in this situation don’t question or doubt that same reason. Understandably, they can wonder if their good intentions regarding their children have them staying in an unhealthy and dying relationship.

Someone might say, “I caught my partner cheating on me four weeks ago. I admit that we have never taken the formal step to get married. But we live as a married couple. We have been together for many years. We have children together, own a home together, and invest together. Our finances, our families, and our lives are completely intertwined. It has always been understood between us that we were in a lasting, committed, monogamous relationship. So I was completely blindsided when I caught him cheating. And I wasn’t looking for it, either. Looking back, many signs were there. I did not see them because I just expected the best from him. He has never given me any reason to doubt him. That is why I’m so surprised that he doesn’t even seem that remorseful. Not only that, but it’s almost like he believes that staying with his family is second best. He just slumps around the house, clearly unhappy. The only thing that brings a smile to his face lately is our children. I honestly believe that might be the only reason that he is staying. He certainly hasn’t been affectionate to me, as if I am the one who has done something wrong. What does it say for our future if he’s only staying for the kids?”

A Surprising Response: Here is my honest answer, but I am admittedly biased. It says that you’re both giving your relationship, and your family, a fighting chance. Frankly, the main reason that I gave my husband any chance to make things right after infidelity was our children. Were it not for them, I may not have been open to that possibility, or so I believed at the time. However, my husband used this slight way in to do what was necessary to very slowly regain my gradual willingness to rebuild something real. Because of that, we are still together. 

So I don’t consider the kids as a crutch or invalid reason to not walk away. However, that doesn’t mean that the kids are enough to rebuild a healthy, trusting, fulfilling marriage. You’re still going to need to work hard to rebuild. Your husband bears some responsibility for this since he is the one who cheated. But there is nothing wrong with both spouses doing their parts because the more you put into it, the more you get out of it.

Are You Sure Your Perceptions About His Feelings And Motivations Are Correct? I’d also like to state that your assumption that your spouse is staying only for the kids may not be completely correct. I told myself that it was only my kids that had me staying, but that wasn’t 100% accurate. I’d given years to my relationship. I had invested myself. Deep down, I still loved my husband even though I could not have been more furious with him. It’s difficult to just walk away from that. So, although it may appear that your partner is just reluctantly staying for the kids, that may not be the whole story. If it helps, here are some reasons that you may see him sulking around. 

He’s Angry and Disappointed With Himself: We so often assume that our partner’s anger is directed at us, especially when he’s not communicating. But it is just as likely to be directed at him. Let’s face it. He blew it. Not only did he make an incredibly bad decision, he got caught at it, and he’s not exactly expertly cleaning up his mess. So he knows that he is in the middle of a bad situation of his own making. That isn’t a situation that makes most people happy and proud of themselves. It’s no wonder that he’s not going to be at his cheerful best.

He’s Purposely Being Abrasive In The Hopes That This Keeps The Consequences At Bay: There can be quite a bit of posturing happening after the discovery of an affair. Although faithful partners fantasize that the cheating partner will feel deep regret and immediately undergo rehabilitation and reconciliation campaigns, this isn’t the reality for many of us, particularly in the beginning. Instead, many men don’t want to deal with all of the groveling and explaining that they’re going to need to do. They know that you are waiting to pounce on them with questions and demands. So they’ll try to lower your expectations. One way that they’ll do this is to act distant or angry. The strategy is meant to place some of the power back in their court. It doesn’t always work, but that doesn’t mean that many of them won’t try it. 

He Resents Having To Clean Up This Mess, Even If He’s Aware That He Deserves It: Have you ever been speeding while driving and have told yourself that you need to slow down, but right before you can, you got a ticket anyway? And then you were frustrated afterward? You knew that you were in the wrong. You knew that your actions were putting you at risk for a ticket, and you were even beginning to slow down. You were aware that getting the ticket was not only just, but it helped keep others safe. But you were still angry when you had to deal with driving school and/or forking out the money. The aftermath of an affair can be like that. The cheater knows that he created this situation all on his own. But that doesn’t stop him from being angry and resentful when he actually has to deal with the aftermath of it. He was hoping to get off scotfree, as most of us are when we think our actions are just minor infractions about which no one needs to know because we’ll fix them. But when we have to face the consequences of our actions, we don’t always welcome those consequences – even when many of them teach us something important. 

None of this means that you are doomed to fail. It’s up to you to decide if his reason for staying is a deal-breaker. In my own case, I am very glad that my kids were a factor. It was the first step in us having one more chance. But in the end, it wasn’t the only thing that kept me there. My husband did what he needed to do to make that happen. You can read about that at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Let’s face it. Discovering an affair is almost always a huge shock and disappointment. Very few people go into their marriage knowing or accepting that their spouse will cheat on them one day. Most people assume that their relationship is going to be different.

People who perceive their spouses as very honest sometimes have even more difficulty processing that the affair has actually happened because this is behavior that they would never expect from their normally brutally honest and forthcoming spouse.

They might say, for example, “To say my husband’s affair completely caught me off guard is an understatement. I didn’t expect it at all. My husband has never given me any reason whatsoever to distrust him. He’s a loving, attentive husband. But, more than that, he is just honest to his core. He is like George Washington in that he can never tell a lie. I don’t think that he has ever lied to me in his entire life before this. He is the kind of person who will go back to the grocery store if he comes all the way home and figures out that he forgot to pay for something. He won’t even tell little white lies. If an outfit doesn’t flatter me, he’ll tell me. If he doesn’t want to do something, he’ll say that too, even if it hurts someone’s feelings. He’ll also out himself when he makes mistakes. His honestly extends to himself as well as to everyone else. That’s why I couldn’t believe it when I came home early from an event (due to illness) and found him with someone else. He was caught red-handed. There was no denying it. And, of course, this was awful. But do you know what was even worse? The realization that he’s been lying to me and deceiving me for months. This is a man who has told me for our entire married life that he would never lie to me. I believed him because quite frankly, I don’t think that he has ever lied before this. Does the fact that he lied mean that this affair or this woman is particularly special? Does it mean that our marriage is so problematic that he finally saw fit to lie to and deceive me when he never has before? This honesty issue is making things much more tricky.”

Why Wives In This Situation Assume The Other Woman Is Special: I know where this wife is coming from. Because even though there’s a popular stereotype which tells us that men will take sex anywhere with anyone, most of us do not believe such behavior is true from our husbands. Not our marriage. Not our relationship. So when he does this, we figure there must be something notable about the other woman. But that often isn’t the case. If it were, affair relationships would last longer than they typically do – which often isn’t very long.

Look For What Your Husband Thinks He Lacks Instead Of What The Other Woman Has: I have dialogued with many couples in this situation. I’ve also been through infidelity myself. An affair often has more to do with the place the husband is in his life rather than what the other woman brings to the table. No matter who she is or what qualities she possesses or does not possess, he will often choose her merely because she is available at a time when he thinks he needs or wants something different in his life.

A man who lacks self-esteem will look for someone who builds it up. A man who feels non-powerful will respond to someone who gives him the perception of power – whether this perception is true or not. A husband who doesn’t feel heard by someone (his boss, his family, etc.) will gravitate to someone who listens.

Hopefully, you can see by the above examples that a vulnerable man will be ripe for an affair if a woman who seems to display the desired quality comes by at the right time.

However, I want to stress that although she may appear to the man to have the quality, that doesn’t mean that she actually has it in reality. Honestly, he is going to see exactly what he wants to see.

He’ll Lie To Get The Thing He Believes That He Needs: I hope that I’ve shown you that men who have affairs – especially when this is their first – are often caught at a particularly vulnerable time. So the thing they are seeking can seem like catnip to them. A man who wants to feel powerful can, under the right circumstances, lie and cheat to feel powerful again. And on and on it goes.

It’s All About The Perception Of Need, Not About The Woman: We’ve all seen it over and over again. They’ll risk the thing that they love the most or act in a way that they wouldn’t normally act. And we wrongly assume that it is for the other woman.

But it’s usually not. It’s for the NEED that the man is trying to meet within HIMSELF. I know that this might not make it much better. But there is some solace in knowing that very often, the woman is nothing special. And eventually, most men do realize this. In fact, most of them eventually come to realize that feeling better isn’t going to happen by having an affair. It must happen at the source. And the source is within themselves.

A man will rarely admit this. Because it shows his vulnerability and showcases a need that doesn’t paint him in the most flattering light. So don’t expect him to talk about this openly.

But normally honest men lie when having an affair because they believe that they have to. And they’re sometimes trying to spare their wives pain and/or are trying to avoid any difficult conversations about the need.

None of this means that your marriage is doomed if you are still invested. Although the woman’s “specialness” needn’t always be an issue that you have to worry about, you may have to address his perception of the same.  You can read about how I navigated the difficult period after my husband’s affair at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many wives expect their husbands to apologize profusely and to try to overcompensate in the aftermath of an affair. After all, he has committed one of the most grievous offenses in a marriage. Wives often say that if they were caught cheating, they couldn’t do enough to show their regret.

Unfortunately, this is not always the behavior that you see from husbands caught cheating. Some of them are very indignant and defensive. Some try to blame their wives. Others are aggressive and disrespectful – even if they’ve never displayed these types of behaviors before. Many wives are perplexed – and understandably angered.

Here’s an example. A wife explained, “Ever since his affair has been confirmed, my husband is incredibly sarcastic and downright disrespectful to me. It’s funny because when he was trying to convince me that I was crazy for suspecting him of an affair and claimed that he was completely innocent, he was very sweet to me. He was accommodating and agreeable. But now that I’ve caught him red-handed, the cat is most definitely out of the bag, and he can’t lie to me anymore, his attitude has changed. He acts as if I am the one who has done something wrong, or that I am evil for catching him. What was I supposed to do? Willingly stay in the dark and just let me continue to cheat on me? I don’t think so. Most of the time, he acts as if I don’t exist. He will address the kids, but not me. He talks around me. He has made important family decisions without me, as though I don’t have the right of input anymore. The other day, he made plans to go out with some friends, and it made me uncomfortable considering the circumstances. I asked him when he would be home, hinting that he should be home early. And he basically ignored me. I repeated myself a couple of times, and he finally looked at me and shrugged. He acts as if I simply don’t count anymore. I found out that he planned a party for his mother, and he did not include or consult me. I adore his mother. She is as special to me as my own mother. It is as if he is erasing me from the important parts of his life as punishment. My opinions don’t matter. My anger doesn’t matter. My feelings don’t matter. And yet, I’ve been married to him for years, and I am the mother of his children. I would never treat him this way. I would never disrespect him like this. But that is exactly what he is doing – being incredibly disrespectful, simply because I caught him cheating. How do I handle this?”

Consider the Context. Know This Is Posturing: First of all, you have to see this in context. He wasn’t disrespectful to you when you still had the rouse that he might not be cheating. So you have to see this as what it truly is – posturing. He wasn’t as disrespectful when he hoped that he could avoid your anger, your pain, and your disappointment. Facing these things isn’t fun, so he wants to make sure that you share in the bad feelings.

Don’t Fall Right Into His Trap: Understanding that this disrespect is likely an act or an agenda will help you have the needed objectivity to effectively deal with it. Because no one wants to live like this indefinitely. But just confronting him, telling him that you know what he is doing, or declaring that his behavior is unacceptable are strategies that are likely to fail. He’s already proven that he’s willing to dig in, and he isn’t shy about negatively engaging. Worse, he might see your confrontation as an excuse to keep right on disrespecting you.

Don’t play into his hand, and don’t lower your own behavior to match his.

Remain Positive, But Make It Clear That He Can’t Delay Or Avoid Consequences: I’ve always suggested to wives in this situation that you pretend to be somewhat oblivious as part of your strategy. I know that this sounds a bit silly, but hear me out. He’s just waiting for you to take the bait so he can place at least some of the blame or anger and frustration on you.

He likely wants you to confront him. I don’t think that is the best idea. But I don’t think that you should pretend that things are normal just to avoid his disrespect, either. Instead, the next time he disrespects you, say something like, “Oh, I see you’re still frustrated. That’s understandable. I’m frustrated too, but eventually, we’ll have to deal with this without allowing our frustrations to run the show. Let me know when you are ready to do that.”

Then continue to go about your business. When your husband sees that he won’t get a rise out of you with his behavior and that he can’t avoid the fallout from his affair, what incentive does he have to keep going?

Know That His Anger Is Likely Mostly Directed At Himself: I am not defending your husband. As a wife who dealt with infidelity, I’d never do that. However, I have to tell you that it’s very normal for “caught” cheating husbands to go around in awful, nasty moods following the discovery of the affair. Their world is crashing down around them, and deep down, they know that it is all their fault. Yes, they would very much like to blame someone else. And they may well try to do so. But, in their quiet and honest moments, they know that they’ve made quite a mess.

If you watch your husband closely, you’ll likely notice that he is on edge in a variety of situations and with a variety of people. Now, he may try to make it seem like he’s patient and kind to everyone but you because he is trying to posture. But if you catch him without his guard up, or when he doesn’t know that you’re watching, I’ll bet you’d see that he is angry at himself. And that anger sours everyone and everything that he comes in contact with.

This isn’t an excuse. But it may help reassure you that he possibly doesn’t have a lack of respect for you. In fact, the opposite is likely true. He cares and respects what you think so much that he is trying to manipulate you into thinking differently and in seeing him, and his flaws, in a different light.

I knew that none of this is fun. I know that it can feel like you’re entire life has been altered. But you can eventually move past it.  You can read about how I did that at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Over and over again, I’ve noticed that one thing that makes healing or picking up the pieces so difficult for faithful wives dealing with infidelity is the husband’s attitude about life with the other woman. Even if there is obvious evidence otherwise, many husbands insist that life with the other woman is happier and enhanced. Understandably, wives don’t always understand why he would make this dubious claim.

The wife might say, “After I caught my husband cheating, he begged me to take him back. He told me that he could and would drop the other woman immediately and that he wasn’t even sure what he was thinking. To be honest, I wasn’t sure what he was thinking either. I know the other woman. She’s no prize. She is a troublemaker who has been married multiple times and who has never been faithful to anyone. She is a drama queen and likely a narcissist. I told my husband that he could have her and that she was going to be nothing but trouble and heartache for him. I told him that they deserved one another. He still begged me to take him back, and I told him that there was no way in hell that I would. He told me he was well aware that he’d ruined everything he loved and that he deeply regretted his actions. This didn’t work on me. So he moved out. I have no idea where he lives or what he is doing. I only see him when he comes to visit the kids – and I don’t let him take them. He can only visit them here. I will ask him how he is doing in an attempt to be cordial, and he will go on and on about how happy he is. And he will tell the kids that he is so lucky to be with this woman, and that he has never been happier. I asked one of my husband’s male friends if he is sincere about his ‘happiness,’ and the male friend said that he had no idea. Because he and my husband really don’t discuss personal issues. This makes me suspect that all this happiness is only for my benefit. But I don’t understand why he would posture this way. Why is he acting like he’s blissfully happy with this other woman when I know that this isn’t likely? I would honestly be more likely to take him back one day in the future if he would start telling the truth instead of continuing to lie.”

There are many possible reasons, and I will list some possibilities below.

He Wants You To Regret Not Giving Him A Second Chance: Your husband was most likely being the most truthful when he was begging for your forgiveness and asking to be taken back into your life and into your home. But you didn’t give him what he wanted. You either didn’t believe in his excuses, or they weren’t enough. So he wants you to believe that you were wrong because if you do, then perhaps you will regret your own actions, and consider taking him back. In essence, he’s trying to use reverse psychology.

He Wants You To Feel That You Were Wrong Since Your Being Right Is Such A Bitter Reality: There is little worse than losing your family and your marriage to something that was wrong all along. Often, people who have affairs are left with very little if their spouse turns on them and closes the door on reconciliation. This is especially true if the affair relationship does not work out, or if he realizes that you were correct – that she did make a mess of his life, and she was a drama queen and all of the other things. The only thing worse than this reality would be admitting that you were right all along. This is too bitter of a pill to swallow, so he pretends that all is well.

He Really Wants To Believe That He Is Happy Because Facing Reality Would Ensure Deep Unhappiness: Your husband may want so badly to believe that things aren’t so bad that he’s actually trying to convince himself. If he breaks things off or admits that the other woman isn’t what he thought, he loses pretty much everything. But if he pretends that all is well and that he’s never been happier, well, at least he wins the consolation prize.

He Wants To Build The Relationship Up To Something It Is Not To Make The Risk Worth It After All: Many people build the affair or the affair partner up in their heads. It needs to be special because otherwise, their decision to risk their family would be incredibly stupid and selfish. And no one wants to admit this about themselves. Instead, they’ll try to justify their behavior by posturing that it was all worth it because look at what they have now. Statistics show us that it is very unlikely that this couple is going to live happily ever after, but the affair partners are often very reluctant to admit this. Because doing so admits defeat and admits to their own flawed thought process and behavior.

He May Truly Believe That He’s Happy: I believe that this is most definitely the least likely scenario, but I feel like I have a responsibility to mention this. It would not be unheard of for him to actually believe his spin. As I’ve already mentioned, people in affairs will generally build all of this up in their own heads to justify the cheating. And even as things begin to go south, they don’t want to admit defeat. So they’ll ignore the warning signs that are right in front of them. They’ll work harder on this relationship than they worked on their marriage because they don’t want to have to walk away with another failed relationship and prove their spouse right. This doesn’t mean that they’re actually happy, but they are invested in believing that they are.

This sort of self-delusion usually doesn’t last forever, thankfully. But the longer the cheater can believe it, the longer until he has to admit where he was wrong and how much he has lost.

I believe that you can heal despite this – or despite what he is doing and claiming – when you are ready.  You can read about how I finally healed at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: There is a subset of unfaithful husbands who seem to believe that they aren’t actually cheating if they don’t ever admit to or accept it. They figure if they can keep tap-dancing around and never give their wives a firm confirmation that yes, they’ve been cheating, then they’re in the clear.

Of course, very few wives are willing to accept this type of standoff. In her heart and even in her head, she knows he’s cheating. She may have all but caught him red-handed. She knows it. And he knows that she knows it. But he refuses to even come close to confirming it.

She might say, “for the last three months, my husband has had an inappropriate and unhealthy relationship with one of his coworkers. At first, I ignored it because I assumed they needed to work together to do their jobs. But later, I found out that they aren’t even in the same department. She works in an entirely different part of the business. They don’t need to be in contact, ever. And yet, she calls him all the time. And I hear him whispering in the bathroom, and I suspect that he is talking to her. A mutual friend of ours from church saw my husband with this woman at a restaurant. And yet, my husband never told me about this. When I confronted him, he denied it. Our friend would not lie and has absolutely no reason to insert herself into our business just to cause drama.  She is telling the truth. Another time, I was out in our neighborhood walking our dogs, and I noticed the same car circling our street over and over again. When I finally got a good look at the driver, I realized that it was this other woman. Another time, he has his phone open, and I looked over his shoulder and saw that he was looking at an inappropriate photo. I could not tell if this was the other woman. But I could tell that the person in the photo had the same hair color. I have since told my husband that I know that he is at least having an emotional affair. And he acted like I was accusing him of committing a crime. He became indignant and angry. He will only concede that they are “close friends,” but says that we both have friends of the opposite gender. I do have some male friends and coworkers, but I certainly don’t repeatedly call any of them or have secret meals together. I asked him that if the roles were reversed, would he not think that a similar relationship between another male and myself would be inappropriate. He kind of conceded that it might appear that way, and then admitted that he ‘might’ be concerned in my shoes, but said that he just ‘won’t accept that he’s been cheating’ when he knows his own heart and mind. Why would he act like this when it’s so obvious that he is cheating and that I’m not going to be fooled?”

Giving Him The Benefit Of The Doubt To Get To The Truth: I am pretty sure that everyone who just read the above passages is thinking the same thing: this husband’s behavior is beyond suspicious and the wife is right. However, the wife will probably be in a better position if she makes a show of giving him the benefit of the doubt and then asking him to “show her where” she’s wrong. It would like something like this. She sits him down, and calmly lists all of the accumulating indications that he’s having an affair. At the end of this long list, she says, “show me where I’m wrong. Let me see the picture on your phone and your call log. Let me see the texts between you and I’ll tell you if they’re inappropriate. If I’m wrong, I’ll happily admit it. And if you really wants to reassure me that nothing is going on, stop being in contact. If this marriage is important to you, then do this thing for me and end this and prove that you have ended it.'”

His reaction to this is going to tell you much. If he is sincere and agrees to some of your terms, then perhaps you can work with him. But if he is still angry and in denial, but won’t show you proof of his innocence, then you may need to move to the next steps.

Understanding Why He’s Won’t Accept That You Already Know He’s Cheating When It Seems So Obvious: I know that your husband’s behavior is maddening. Many times, husbands won’t “accept” or admit to an affair because they know that once they do, then they will have to deal with the consequences of that affair. This may include having to end the affair relationship if it comes to that, and healing your marriage if that is what you both want to do.

In his shoes, it may seem easier to just keep pretending in the hopes that you will eventually give up trying to get him to admit it. If you can’t live with this, then you may have to act “as if.” You may need to tell him that since he won’t accept or admit to his infidelity, nor will he show you where you’re wrong, then you’re simply going to assume or act “as if,” he is being unfaithful.

That means that if he wants your trust moving forward, he will have to re-earn it. If he wants a marriage like the one he had before he acted inappropriately, then he will have to work toward that – which means ending this inappropriate relationship and weird behavior. Until he is willing to do at least that, I’m not sure how you begin to move forward – other than merely pretending.

The point I’m trying to make is this: You don’t necessarily need for him to give you a signed confession of an actual affair if you know that at least there is grossly inappropriate behavior. If that’s not acceptable to you, then you can act accordingly and require the things you need from him before you move forward with this marriage.

If he values that same marriage, he has some decisions to make. It’s up to you as to how much you are willing to work with him as you navigate this. Some wives are more patient and more willing to negotiate than others. Be honest with yourself about which category you fall into.

There were a few things my husband wasn’t willing to admit, but I made it very clear this wasn’t acceptable to me.  We eventually were able to move on and heal, but it took several steps to get there.  You can read the rest at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  I sometimes hear from women who are having a hard time believing that a man feels guilty for cheating or having an affair. Often, it is the wife who had her doubts. But other times, it is the other woman who eventually can’t help but notice that the husband seems to think he’s entitled to his behavior.

Common comments from wives are things like: “my husband claims that he is sorry and guilty about having an affair, but I have my doubts. He cheated on me with a much younger woman from his job. He made her all sorts of promises and gave her money in order to cover her living expenses. And he lied to both of us. He told her that our marriage was in name only. And he told me that she had left the job to go back to school while that most certainly was not true. When we both caught him in his lies, he supposedly broke off the affair. He promised me that he would go to counseling and that he would prove to me that he could be a good husband. He hasn’t done any of this. He says he’s sorry, but his life hasn’t changed any, really. I asked him if he feels guilty and he says that he does. But his actions don’t really indicate that he is telling me the truth.”

In contrast the other woman might say something like: “the guy that I ended up having an affair with told me that he wasn’t married. He told me that he had just gone through a nasty divorce. Imagine my shock and horror when his wife saw my information on his phone and called me. She had no idea and she seems like a really sweet woman. I broke it off with this man and I told him that he should be completely ashamed of his behavior. He apologized and said he does feel guilty, but part of me wonders if he will just do this to someone else. Do men really feel guilty when they behave this way?”

Well, I have to disclose that I’m not a man who has cheated. But I have spoken with many men who meet this description and some of them leave comments on my blog. Granted, my focus is on saving your marriage after infidelity so it’s probably fair to say that only a certain type of man is going to be willing to dialog with me about this. With that said, I can tell you that many men do feel guilty but they keep this to be almost a closely guarded secret. I’ll tell you why below.

Many Men Don’t Want You To Know How Guilty They Feel Because They’re Afraid You Will Use This Against Them: Men who are caught in an affair will often feel a bit defensive. They know that they are in the wrong and they know that they are deserving of whatever reaction you might have. But at the same time, they are embarassed and ashamed. And they don’t want to continue to have to keep talking about this. They don’t want you to keep picking at the scab. So they will appear to be distant or cold, all in the hopes of keeping you at arm’s length.

Because they are concerned that if they show you any weakness like guilt, you are going to pounce on it and then dig to determine what exactly they have to feel guilty about.

Of course, this doesn’t mean that they get a pass. You need to see their guilt and feel confident that they actually feel it. Because feeling guilt shows you that they know that what they did was wrong, which is one thing that might ensure that this doesn’t happen again. It also typically means that they still care enough about you to feel remorse that they have hurt you.

With all of this said, I will say that repeat cheaters are often less guilty. Because they have cheated more than once, they have found various ways to justify their cheating, which means that they are less likely to feel remorse. But men who have never cheated before are, at least in my opinion and experience, likely to feel some guilt.

How To Get Him To Open Up About His Guilt: It’s very understandable that you want to believe that he feels genuine guilt. But at the same time, it’s also understandable that he might not want to bear his soul on a daily basis. So you might just want to have an open conversation about this by saying something like: “I just need to believe that you truly feel remorse and guilt. And I don’t want this because I want to hurt or shame you. I want to see this because it helps me to know that you still care enough to feel these things and it helps me to feel confident that you know what you did was wrong. Because if both of these things are present, I know that you are less likely to cheat again. I don’t expect for you to fall to your knees and declare your guilt, but I’d just like to see your remorse in the way that you treat me and in the way that you approach our marriage.”

Hopefully, this will clear the way for him to be more transparent about his feelings. But to answer the question posed, yes, many first time cheaters do feel a great deal of guilt about their actions.

My husband didn’t show his guilt at first.  But once it became obvious that I wasn’t interested in using his guilt against him, he became more willing to let it show and this truly helped in our recovery.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  I often hear from husbands or wives who want to know if their spouse will ever regret cheating on them.  Many times, the cheating spouse has been able to justify their actions or is making all sorts of excuses for the same.  Many spouses who cheat don’t seem to have an ounce of remorse so it’s natural to wonder if they will ever feel any regret whatsoever.

Common comments are things like: “my husband ended up leaving me for the woman he cheated with.  Our marriage was having some problems, but nothing that couldn’t be worked out.   When I found out, he didn’t even seem to be all that sorry.  He didn’t even want to try to save our marriage. He left me and our children for this other woman.  He said he was going to marry her, but they broke up before they could make it down the aisle.  My husband now says that she’s a conniving and selfish woman and that he misjudged her.  However, he has never expressed regret for his actions.  My family is torn apart.  I am struggling to make ends meet and to keep my house.  But he’s never once admitted that the cheating was a mistake.  I wonder if people ever regret it when they cheat or have an affair.  Do they?”

The short answer is a resounding yes.  On an extremely regular basis, I hear from folks who deeply regret not only cheating, but the fact that it’s sometimes too late to turn back time or to do anything about it.  Often, they are too ashamed to show this regret to their spouse.   But believe me when I say that a great many of people do feel some regret.

The Type Of Regret That Many People Feel For Cheating: Many people tell me that they suspect that their spouse only has regret when the relationship doesn’t work out between themselves and the person they cheated with.  Others will tell you that there is only regret after the infidelity has been discovered and the cheating spouse must now face up to what they have done.   We’ve all heard the phase “he’s not sorry he cheated.  He’s sorry that he got caught.”

But I have to tell you that it’s obvious from the correspondence that I get that there are varied and genuine reasons that people feel regret that doesn’t have anything to do with getting caught.  Often, they feel a good deal of sorrow that they didn’t take another path.  Sure, their marriage may have been rocky or they may have been struggling, but they often realize that there were probably better options than cheating.  Many regret the effect that their infidelity has had on their family.  And many are very disappointed in themselves.  This isn’t the way that they envisioned their marriage or their personal level of integrity.  However, often these feelings come long after the cheating or the affair has ended, which leads me to my next point.

Why Does It Take So Long For People To Feel Regret About Cheating?: Many faithful spouses complain that they aren’t seeing sorrow and they are tired of waiting for it.  I know from experience that this can be very frustrating.  But it might help to know that it often will come.  It just may come later than you might like.  The reason for this is that when an affair or cheating is fresh, people seem to spend a lot of time and emotional energy trying to justify it.  This becomes important to them because if they can’t justify their actions, then they  can’t continue to carry them out because of the guilt or conflicting feelings. So they must push down whatever guilt, sorrow, or regret that they feel.  But once the cheating or affair has been over for a while, they no longer have this need.  And that’s when there’s finally room for genuine feelings of regret to come forward.  It may help to know that almost without fail, there is often at least some regret present.   Because at the end of the day, there is really never justification for cheating. Unhappy marriages can be brought to an end before anyone needs to begin another relationship.  So when things don’t happen this way,  most people do come to regret that their actions weren’t the most honorable.

And, some people actually take this further and are able to look back one day to realize that they jeopardized a perfectly good marriage with the love of their life because they made a mistake.  Sometimes, such mistakes can not be fixed.  But just as often, they can, although there’s generally a lot of pain and hard work that need to be addressed. So yes, most people can’t help but feeling some regret for these things.

Once I began to believe that my husband felt true regret for cheating for me, things began to vastly improve for us.  But for a long time, he had a lot of defense mechanisms built up so he refused to show me how he really felt.  Once we figured out how to break through these defense mechanisms, things improved greatly and we eventually saved our now solid marriage.  If it helps you can read about that process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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