Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

My Husband Cheated And I’m Obsessed With Making Him Jealous

By: Katie Lersch: If you’ve recently found out your husband cheated, I don’t have to tell you how confusing and all-consuming the emotional fallout can be. One minute, you’re crushed and numb. The next, you’re furious. Then comes the urge to do something — to regain a sense of control, to make him hurt even a fraction of the way he hurt you.

And that’s often when a very specific impulse creeps in:
“Maybe I can make him jealous.”

If you’re having thoughts like these — or if you’re already taking steps to try and stir jealousy in your husband — I want you to know first and foremost: you are not crazy or petty or broken. You’re reacting to betrayal. You’re trying to understand a world that no longer feels safe. And yes, you may be subconsciously trying to reclaim your power.

But does making your husband jealous actually help? Or could it hurt your chances of healing ?

Let’s talk about it.

The Emotional Need Behind the Jealousy Urge:

When your husband cheats, a huge part of the pain comes from what the affair implies. You may suddenly feel that you’re not good enough. Not sexy enough. Not fun enough. Not interesting enough.

Even if your rational mind knows that his choice to cheat says more about him than it ever will about you, your wounded heart may be screaming:
“I want him to know what it feels like to lose me.”
“I want him to think someone else might want me, too.”
“I want to matter again.”

That’s what the jealousy drive is really about. It’s not just about making him squirm (although let’s be honest — that might feel satisfying in the moment). It’s about trying to regain some of the confidence, desirability, and power that the affair stole from you.

And that is an understandable reaction.

Will Making Him Jealous Actually Work?:

This is where things get a little tricky.

Yes, in some cases, a cheating spouse does react when their betrayed partner starts showing signs of independence, confidence, or interest from others. He may get territorial. He may suddenly “remember” that he doesn’t want to lose you.

But here’s the problem: that kind of reaction is often rooted in ego, not real remorse or love. It’s not that he truly understands your pain or is committed to rebuilding trust. It’s because his pride is injured.

You might get his attention. But is it the kind of attention you actually want? And more importantly, does it help you heal?

The Risk of Hurting Yourself More

Some women tell me they’ve tried to make their husband jealous by dressing provocatively, pretending to flirt with coworkers, or planting seeds about an “old friend” getting in touch. Others go further and actually try to date during the affair aftermath.

And here’s what I hear again and again:

“I thought I’d feel powerful. But I just felt empty.”
“I wanted him to feel jealous, but it ended up making me feel worse.”
“Now he’s accusing me of being unfaithful, and I feel even more defensive.”

When you act from a place of deep hurt, it’s very easy to miscalculate. The short-term satisfaction of making him squirm might be followed by regret, guilt, or confusion — especially if he reacts negatively or uses it as justification for pulling away even more.

And that’s the thing. You don’t want to become someone you’re not just to make a point. You don’t want to lose even more of yourself in the aftermath of his betrayal.

So What Should You Do Instead?

I’m not saying you shouldn’t focus on your appearance, your confidence, or your own healing. In fact, I highly encourage it. But I want you to do it for you, not to manipulate or provoke him.

Here are some healthier ways to process those jealous-driven feelings:

Work on rebuilding your self-worth.
Focus on the things that make you feel strong, attractive, and whole. This might mean journaling, a new fitness goal, or reconnecting with passions you put on the back burner.
Surround yourself with affirming people.
Spend time with people who remind you of your worth, with or without your husband.
Set boundaries that prioritize your healing.
If your husband is giving mixed signals, pressuring you to “just get over it,” or failing to show real remorse, it’s OK to step back and protect your emotional space.
Decide what you want moving forward.
Do you want to save the marriage? Is he showing you that he’s willing to do the work? These questions are important — and they should guide your actions more than a momentary desire to “get back at him.”

Reclaim Your Power — Without Losing Yourself

Here’s the truth I’ve had to learn — and the truth many women eventually come to embrace:

You don’t need to make him jealous to prove your worth.

Your value isn’t tied to whether your husband notices you, wants you back, or feels possessive. You are worthy of love and loyalty because of who you are — not because of how well you play emotional chess.

You can regain your power by healing. By growing. By becoming someone who no longer feels desperate for his attention — because you know you can stand on your own, no matter what happens.

Ironically, that is often what changes the dynamic in the relationship. When you stop chasing and start shining, he may finally wake up and realize what he stands to lose.

But even if he doesn’t? You win. Because you didn’t become bitter. You didn’t become someone you’re not. And you didn’t need to use jealousy as your weapon.

You chose to fight for yourself instead. I chose to fight for myself. That ultimately led to me saving my marriage. But in the beginning, it was all for selfish reasons. It was all for myself. I have no regrets. You can read my story at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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3 Ways To Heal After An Affair Or Cheating

By: Katie Lersch: Sometimes, I hear comments asking, “How to heal after an affair.” It’s true that when your spouse has an affair, you can feel as though you’re the walking wounded or as if you have a big gaping wound in your heart that you’re not sure if you’ll ever be able to fix.

You feel as though there’s something wrong with you, as though you’re a different person than you were before you found out about the affair. You know you’ve lost your footing and you doubt things about yourself, your spouse, and your marriage that you thought you knew.

And, living like this hurts. But when you have a wound that you can see, it’s easier to heal. You can see its progress. You can see what it is responding to and what it’s not. But when the wound it’s inside of you, it’s much harder. You’re just sort of feeling your way and stumbling along. But I’m here to tell you that you can heal after your husband’s affair. I can’t tell you that it won’t take time and effort because it will. But I promise if you put in the time and the deliberate work, you can do it. In the following article, I will discuss how.

Believe That Healing After An Affair Is Possible. Countless People Do It. You Can Do It Too: I know that this seems like wishful thinking right now. I know that you might think that all of this is easy for me to say. It’s certainly easier for me to say now that I have healed, but I don’t say it lightly. I had some very dark days. There were times when I couldn’t even bear to look at my husband’s face, much less be in the same room with him.

But eventually, you get tired of living this way. Eventually, it hurts worse to hang on to the pain than it does to get up and do the work. Yes, exploring why the affair happened and putting safeguards in place while rebuilding the trust takes some doing.

But this is so much better than continuing to walk around hurt forever without making any real progress. One day, I realized I’d just rather grit my teeth and dive into a slightly uncomfortable process than live a life sentence of misery and pain after my husband’s affair.

So you really have to believe that you can heal. You have to commit to finding what you need to do so. (This is true even if you ultimately decide that you don’t want to save your marriage. The process really is the same.) And then you have to see it through and continue to tweak it along the way.

Don’t Make Apologies For What You Personally Need To Heal: Just for a second, ask yourself what you really want right now. What would make this better for you? What would be your first step toward healing? The answers to these questions are individual. But I can tell you what I often hear.

I often hear phrases like: “I want him to be truly sorry that his affair hurt me and our marriage.”

“I want him to understand how devastating this affair has been to me so that he won’t do it again.”

“I want him to love me not because he feels guilt or pity but because he still loves me, wants me, and finds me attractive.”

“I want to see the sparkle in his eye again and hear the laughter in my voice. I want to believe that we can be happy again both as individuals and together.”

“I want to be able to trust him again. I don’t want to live my life worried that he’ll cheat again. I want to believe that if he’s ever tempted or struggling again, he will talk to me first and take action.”

Finally, another common one is “I want to believe he’s still a person of integrity and that we will both learn something from this so that our marriage is actually better after the affair.”

If any of these ring true for you, then those are places and things you will need to be open and honest about with your spouse so that you can work through them together. If you still don’t trust him, ask him to be more accountable. If you still don’t believe he’s truly sorry, ask him to open up and discuss this with you in the spirit of healing rather than accusations.

Always remember that the whole idea of this is that you heal, not that you accuse, or point a finger, or lay blame, or continue on with the negativity. I promise that when you let some of these things go, it will be as if a huge weight is lifted off your shoulders.

Don’t Ignore Self Work (And Returning Your Self Esteem) On Your Path To Healing After His Affair: We all usually know that we have to work with our spouse and work on our marriage following an affair. But many people ignore themselves and their own needs. It’s very likely that your self-esteem was seriously negatively affected by your spouse’s affair.

Many women tell me they feel ugly, stupid, naive, and the list goes on and on. Many of us blame ourselves. Many of us tell ourselves that we were not good enough. We worry about our appearance and our skills in the bedroom. (Did the other woman have something that we didn’t?)

This thinking can eat us alive, and we have to do something to stop it. That’s why restoring your self-esteem after his affair is vital to your healing. Please do not ignore this step. Please give yourself permission to do this. I know for certain that your husband can do and say all the right things, but if your self-esteem is low, you will not believe them, and so the cycle of worry and pain continues.

This was so true for me. Once I took action rather than feeling bad about myself, I saw a difference in my marriage. If you are stuck and unable to heal, and you’re already actively working on your marriage, make sure you are also working on yourself. So many people neglect this,s and doing so can really slow your progress.

I know this is hard. I know that it might feel like you will never really heal. But put one foot in front of the other and tell yourself that just for today, you will be kind to yourself, and you will do whatever it takes to make yourself feel as though you are moving forward. If there are setbacks, just keep going. Don’t allow frustration to stop you and keep you stuck.

By no means am I an expert; I’m just telling you what has worked for me. You can read more about this on my blog at “Surviving The Affair” at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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What Does a “New Normal” Look Like After an Affair? How To Begin To Pick Up The Pieces

By: Katie Lersch: If you’ve recently found out about your spouse’s affair, then you probably already know that nothing feels “normal” anymore. In fact, one of the most common things I hear from readers is something like:

“I don’t even know what my life is now. Everything feels off. I can’t imagine going back to the way things were. But I also can’t imagine how to move forward. I just can’t imagine my life – and my marriage – ever feeling ‘normal’ ever again.”

And honestly? That’s a very real, very valid place to be.

After an affair, “normal” doesn’t magically snap back into place like flipping a light switch. The truth is, things probably won’t go back to the way they were. But that doesn’t mean they can’t be good again—or even, eventually, better, at least in some ways. It just means you’re heading into what is called a “new normal” in therapy circles. And while that might sound scary, it can also be something empowering and even healing, when done right.

Let’s talk about what this “new normal” really looks like, and how you can move toward it, one step at a time.

It Looks Like Letting Go of the Old Timeline:

One of the biggest struggles after infidelity is the expectation that you’ll “get over it” in a matter of weeks or months. But the truth? Healing isn’t linear. And it doesn’t come with a neat calendar attached.

Your new normal will likely involve allowing yourself (and your spouse, if they’re committed to repairing the damage) the time and space to process. This means there might be surprisingly good days followed by predictable painful ones. That’s okay and, frankly, to be expected.

You might wake up one morning feeling hopeful, and then crash into a memory or a trigger by afternoon. That doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you’re human. The new normal is learning to ride the waves without letting them drown you.

It Looks Like Rebuilding Emotional Safety And Eventually Trust

Everyone talks about rebuilding trust after an affair—and of course, that matters. But I’ve found that emotional safety is actually every bit as important.

What does that mean? It means you need to feel like you can be vulnerable again without fear of being hurt. It means your spouse needs to consistently show up—not just with words, but with actions. With transparency. With empathy.

It also means giving yourself permission to ask questions, to express your pain, and to be honest about what you need without feeling like you’re “too much.”

In a new normal, your marriage needs to become a safe space again. Or maybe for the first time. And that kind of safety comes from small, consistent acts—over time. So that you eventually know that you can let your guard down and you’ll be just fine.

It Looks Like Redefining Intimacy

Intimacy often takes a hit after betrayal—not just physical, but emotional too. You may feel repelled by your spouse one moment and desperately crave closeness the next. This is more common than most people realize.

Your new normal might include taking intimacy slowly and re-learning how to really connect—not just physically, but through trust, affection, shared vulnerability, and yes, even humor.

Some couples find it helpful to build intimacy through non-sexual closeness at first: cuddling on the couch, holding hands, taking walks together, talking before bed. Let it unfold naturally. Don’t rush it just to “feel normal.” You’re creating a new kind of intimacy, one built on deeper emotional honesty than before. I honestly put off sex for a while after my husband’s affair. I figured if he was serious, he would wait. (He did.) And that turned out to be a good choice for me.

It Looks Like Setting Boundaries (And Actually Sticking to Them)

One of the hardest parts of recovering from an affair is figuring out how to feel safe again—and boundaries are part of that. In the new normal, it’s okay (and sometimes necessary) to say things like:

“I need full transparency with your phone and devices for now.”
“I’m not comfortable with you hanging out with that coworker again.”
“I need weekly check-ins so I don’t feel alone in this.”

Boundaries aren’t punishments. They’re protection. And they’re not forever—but they are usually necessary as trust is slowly rebuilt. A new normal means that your needs matter now. You’re allowed to ask for (and demand, if you have to) what gives you peace of mind.

It Looks Like Rebuilding You

Here’s something I say a lot, because I believe it with all my heart: After an affair, the marriage isn’t the only thing that needs healing. You do, too.

The new normal often means rediscovering who you are outside of the betrayal. This might look like pursuing interests you’ve put on the back burner, rebuilding your self-esteem and self-care routine, and reminding yourself daily that this was not your fault.

When your whole world feels shaken, finding your inner stability again is crucial. Your new normal needs to include the version of you that feels strong, centered, and worthy—no matter what your spouse does or doesn’t do.

It Looks Like Taking Ownership (On Both Sides)

In some marriages, both spouses are willing to do the work of rebuilding. And in others, only one is. I won’t sugarcoat it—if your spouse isn’t owning their behavior, showing remorse, or trying to make amends, then the new normal will be harder. And your decisions will be different.

But when both people are willing to show up with honesty and humility, the new normal can actually lead to a stronger relationship. Yes, the road there is painful. Yes, the trust has been broken. But sometimes, both people emerge from the rubble wiser, softer, and more aware of what matters.

That kind of ownership might mean uncomfortable conversations or facing the parts of the marriage that weren’t working. But if you’re both in it? That hard work can lead to real transformation.

So, Is the “New Normal” Worth It?

Only you can answer that. And you don’t have to answer it all at once.

For some, the new normal brings clarity, healing, and a deeper bond than ever before. For others, it means realizing their worth and choosing a different path. Both are valid. Both are courageous.

What I want you to remember is this: You’re not broken. You’re not weak for struggling. And you’re not crazy for still loving someone who hurt you – if that’s the route you want to go. Healing after infidelity is one of the most personal, winding journeys you’ll ever take.

But if you’re still standing today? You’re already stronger than you know.

And yes—your “normal” might look different from before. But that doesn’t mean it won’t be fulfilling again. I have a different marriage and after my husband’s affair, and after we did the work, our “normal” is different than it was before. But it’s no less fulfilling. And I have no regrets in saving my marriage after the infidelity. You can read about how I did it at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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Things To Examine When You Can’t Forgive Your Cheating Husband

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes dialogue with wives who tell me that although they’ve endlessly tried to forgive their husband’s cheating, infidelity, or affair, they’ve just not been able to. Many confess this as though it’s an awful kind of failure that’s caused by some place where they fell short. And, many assume that since they can’t forgive, they won’t be able to save the marriage or even move on in a healthy way.

This is upsetting because the wives act as if they’ve done something wrong or that forgiveness is an indication of a “good” or well-adjusted person. The thing is, cheating is a huge blow to you as a person and to your marriage. Forgiveness for it is not always going to come easily or quickly. It’s not fair to second-guess or to beat yourself up if you can’t forgive within some arbitrary time frame. And quite frankly, you can begin to rebuild and to heal before you’re ready to forgive entirely. I will discuss this more in the following article.

Forgiveness For Cheating Is Not Something That Should Be Forced Or Not Given Freely: Most (if not all) of the wives who contact me feel intense pressure to offer forgiveness. And most feel that they are failing in some way if they’re not able to offer it. This is an unfair assumption. Sometimes, it takes a good deal of time to evaluate how the situation is progressing to determine how you feel and how you want to proceed. It’s not advisable to rush this process or allow yourself to make a decision before you know what’s going to happen.

Many times, the husband, family, or friends are pressuring the wife. But other times, it’s she who is pressuring herself. The thing is, this is a painful process. It’s perfectly natural to want this to “go away” and be resolved as quickly as possible. And many of us assume that offering forgiveness as quickly as we can is the first step toward moving forward. It doesn’t have to work this way. Don’t force yourself to take an either/or stance.

There is nothing wrong with waiting until you are ready, have what you need, or until you possess the information required before you make a decision. And sometimes, this just takes a while and requires some healing to occur BEFORE you are ready to forgive. This doesn’t mean that you’ve failed or that anything is wrong with you. It just means that you’re being honest and taking things at the pace that works for you. Frankly, it’s truly up to you to set the pace. Everyone is going to have an opinion, and some might try to pressure you. It’s so vital that you be your own best advocate because everyone else’s needs and wants are not always going to be in your own self-interest.

There’s Nothing Wrong With Taking A “Wait And See” Approach To Forgiving His Cheating: Sometimes, when wives tell me that they can’t forgive, they’ll add in a comment like “I guess this means we can’t save our marriage.” Usually, when I ask why they feel this way, they’ll answer with something like: “Well isn’t forgiveness required in order to save the marriage after cheating?” Eventually, forgiveness most certainly does help.

But, there’s absolutely nothing that says you can’t start the process while the jury is still out. Quite frankly, I’m rather sure that there are plenty of marriages that were saved after cheating where the faithful spouse wasn’t at all sure how things were going to turn out and then was just as surprised as anyone when the marriage made it through this. You don’t have to have all of the answers to save your marriage or to even move on in a healthy way.

You can most certainly take a “wait and see” approach and see how things unfold before you form any opinions. Admittedly, this isn’t the stance that most cheating husbands would prefer. They would rather you forgive them and “move on” immediately. But, in my experience, this is an unrealistic and unfair request. Sometimes, we need to see if he’s made good on his promises and how he acts in the months following the cheating before we have enough information to even think about forgiveness. This is understandable, and it’s not too much to ask.

If you’re being pressured by your husband to forgive, there’s nothing wrong with saying that you haven’t made that decision yet and need to see what happens in the days ahead before you can make that call. You might offer reassurance that you’ll still be present and you have an open mind, but be firm on the fact that you won’t be pressured into making this commitment until you’re ready to do so.

If Some Time Has Gone By And You Want To Forgive But Can’t, See If You Can Determine What’s Missing: Sometimes, I hear from wives who tell me that the cheating happened several months or years ago and they’ve still not been able to forgive. Much of the time, they are clearly still invested in the marriage, and they really do want to forgive, but just can’t seem to cross over.

In these cases, I often tell the wives to take a very thorough inventory to see what they need but haven’t yet received. Sometimes, they don’t feel as though their husband is truly sorry. Sometimes, they don’t believe he truly loves them. Other times, they are not satisfied that he or the marriage has been rehabilitated. And quite frequently, their self-esteem has taken such a huge blow that they don’t know what to believe anymore.

If any of these things describe you, then sometimes you’re going to have to ask for, demand, or make sure that you get what you need. Because in order to be able to genuinely forgive, you have to know in your heart that it’s deserved.

I struggled greatly with forgiving my husband after his affair, but after much introspection and with the passage of time, I finally learned that forgiveness was possible. Although I never would’ve believed this years ago, our marriage is solid. It took a lot of work, but it was worth it. You can read about how I did it on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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How Do I Effectively Show Genuine Remorse To My Spouse For Cheating?

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from spouses who have made the grave mistake of cheating or having an affair. Many of them are genuinely sorry for this mistake and they want to make things right again. Most of them have repeatedly expressed their sorrow and remorse for their actions. But, much of the time, their spouse just doesn’t believe them or doesn’t think that their apologies are enough.

I heard from a wife who said: “last year, I made the most stupid mistake of my life. I cheated on my husband while on a business trip. I didn’t even know the guy. He was in the hotel bar. And I haven’t spoken to him since. As sleazy and embarrassing as it sounds, it was a drunken one night stand and it didn’t really mean anything to me. As soon as I returned home from the trip, I told my husband everything and sobbed uncontrollably. Since that time, I must have told my husband how sorry I am two hundred times. I lavish him with affection and buy him gifts. I try to be the most loving wife as is possible. But we are still having problems. Because he doesn’t feel as if I am sorry enough. I still go on business trips because my job requires this. He is resentful about these trips and gets very sullen before or after them. He says if I were really sorry and remorseful, I’d be more willing to change my life so he would feel more secure. Short of quitting my job, I don’t know how to express my genuine and heartfelt remorse. How do I convince him that I truly am sorry? And that I would never cheat on him again?”

The person most qualified to answer these questions was this woman’s husband. But, since he is unwilling to do so, I can can try to answer them from the perspective of a spouse who has been cheated on. I will try to do this in the following article.

It’s Not Your Words Of Sorrow That Are Most Convincing: I can’t tell you how many people tell me things like: “I’ve said I’m sorry countless times and he doesn’t listen or accept it.” Or “I have repeatedly expressed my remorse and it doesn’t matter.”

I do understand these frustrations, but what you need to understand is that words don’t matter as much as actions. Your spouse is going to doubt your words (even if they would really like to believe them) because the trust between you has been shaken and because they don’t want to be hurt and betrayed again.

And frankly, no matter how eloquent you are and no matter how heartfelt your words, your spouse often just wants to wait and see if you are going to make good on all of your claims. This doesn’t mean that you should stop expressing your sorrow with words. But it can mean that you should understand that this probably isn’t going to be enough.

Try To Anticipate What Your Spouse Needs From You And Then Provide It Without Them Having To Ask: I can tell you an important secret that might help your situation. I know from experience that your spouse needs to feel as if their needs are more important to you than your own right now. They need to believe that you are willing to do whatever is needed in order to help them heal because of your concern for them.

Much of the time, faithful spouses feel as if you want them to just get over the affair so that you are more comfortable and less guilty. This feels grossly unfair to them and it often just makes your spouse trust you even less and doubt you even more.

So, try to listen to what they say and watch their non verbal cues very closely. In this example, it was so obvious that the husband was understandably very uncomfortable knowing that his wife was in the same tempting situation that lead her to cheat in the first place. And even worse, when he brought this up, she became defensive about it. Anticipating his needs would mean understanding that he needs reassurance and accountability when it comes to this issue without any exceptions whatsoever.

The wife might consider asking for less travel, switching jobs if it were possible, bringing her husband along on business trips, or checking in regularly while she was away.

Because having genuine remorse goes beyond just saying you’re sorry. It means that you are more than willing to go out of your way (even if it makes you uncomfortable or if it is inconvenient) in order to make your spouse feel more valued, loved, and secure.

Know That If You Can Rebuild Your Marriage, Your Spouse Will Be More Likely To Accept Your Remorse: It may make you feel better to know that once you repair your marriage and your spouse feels happy and secure, than this issue will often resolve itself on it’s own. So, while continuing to show and verbally express your remorse is a good idea, know that it is just as important to rebuild your marriage and to focus on all of the issues – and not just remorse.

Because if you can do that and if you can get to a place where your spouse is happy and secure, then you won’t have to worry about this issue as long as you remain faithful and you continue to be an attentive and loving spouse. And sometimes this process just takes some time. Your spouse needs to see that you are in this marriage for the long haul and that you are committed to continuing to be trustworthy without any exception. If you are successful with this, then your remorse speaks for itself.

I will admit that it took awhile for me to believe in my husband’s true remorse after his affair. And this wasn’t due to his words. It was due to his repeated actions. It was due to the fact that he was always exactly where he said doing exactly what he claimed. It was also due the fact that he worked tirelessly to get us the help we needed to save our marriage. Once I saw his level of commitment, it was obvious how remorseful he was. If it helps, you can read our story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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Why Is My Husband Hesitating to Show Me Affection After I Caught Him Having an Affair?

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from faithful wives who are struggling to make sense of their husband’s behavior after an affair has come to light. One particularly painful pattern I’m asked about frequently is this: “Why won’t my husband show me any affection now that I know he cheated?”

It’s confusing. In fact, it can feel like a second betrayal. You’ve just been through this unimaginable pain. You may be trying to pick up the pieces, maybe even willing to give him a chance. And yet, he’s distant. Cold. Emotionally unavailable. You’re left wondering if he’s still emotionally attached to the other woman, if he feels nothing for you, or if he even wants to stay married at all.

Let me say up front: this kind of reaction is incredibly common. You are not alone, and this doesn’t necessarily mean your marriage is doomed or that your husband no longer loves you. But it does mean that it helps to know what you are looking at.

Let’s talk about why some men pull away emotionally after an affair, and what you might want to do (and avoid doing) in response.

He Could Be Overwhelmed With Guilt and Shame:

One of the most common reasons husbands withhold affection after being caught is guilt. And I don’t mean just a passing sense of “I messed up.” I mean deep, heavy, stomach-turning shame that makes it hard for them to even look you in the eye.

When a man is caught in an affair, he’s forced to confront the hurt he’s caused. If he sees you crying, pulling away, or suffering, he may feel deeply ashamed — so much so that physical closeness feels unbearable to him. Affection becomes a reminder of what he’s broken.

He might think: “How can I reach out to her when I’m the one who destroyed her trust?” Or “I don’t deserve her love. She probably doesn’t even want me touching her.”

Ironically, some husbands interpret your anger, distance, or even your attempts to talk as confirmation that they should stay away when they actually isn’t what you’re wanting to see.

He’s Afraid of Rejection or Missteps:

Many men in this position are walking on eggshells. They don’t want to make things worse. They don’t know what’s safe and what isn’t. Should he hug you? Will that seem too soon? Will it seem creepy? Should he say “I love you,” or will that feel hollow?

If your husband feels unsure of where he stands or how to behave, he may decide to do nothing at all — not because he doesn’t care, but because he’s terrified of doing the wrong thing.

Sometimes they’ve tried once or twice and been shut down — understandably so — and now they’re afraid to try again.

He Doesn’t Know How to Reconnect Emotionally:

For many men, emotional intimacy is difficult even before an affair. They may struggle to put feelings into words or to offer comfort in the “right” way. After an affair, those emotional muscles often feel even weaker.

Some men hope that if they just give it time, things will “go back to normal.” Others withdraw emotionally because they were never taught how to repair relational damage. They may want to fix things, but they truly don’t know how to start.

In this kind of emotional paralysis, you might see them go about their day acting “normal,” or overcompensate with chores or small talk — anything but genuine, vulnerable connection.

He’s Still Confused or Disconnected:

In more painful scenarios, a husband might still be emotionally entangled in the affair or confused about what he wants. That doesn’t always mean he’s still seeing the other woman. But affairs often come with emotional fog — a fantasy world where no bills need to be paid, no parenting duties exist, and real-world consequences are delayed.

When that fantasy crashes into reality, some men take longer than others to mentally and emotionally reengage in their marriage. It doesn’t always mean they don’t want to — but the transition can be murky.

That said, emotional unavailability that lasts too long, especially without remorse or effort, can be a red flag that needs to be addressed.

Here are some tips that might help”

Don’t Assume Silence Means He Doesn’t Care.
This is hard, I know. But often, a lack of affection comes from his confusion or shame, not your lack of value.

Talk Honestly About What You’re Feeling.
It’s okay to say, “I’m confused. You say you want to fix this, but you won’t even touch me or hug me. That hurts.” You’re not demanding. You’re not begging. You’re simply being honest.

Ask What He’s Feeling — Without Pushing Too Hard.
If it feels safe, ask: “Are you pulling away because you’re afraid? Because you don’t know what to do? I’d rather hear the truth, even if it’s uncomfortable.”

Sometimes this opens the door to honest conversation. Sometimes it takes time. Don’t beat yourself up if he’s not ready.

Focus on Your Own Healing, Too.
It’s incredibly painful when the person who hurt you also seems unable to comfort you. This is why I always tell women: your healing can’t be dependent on him alone. Give yourself permission to do whatever you need to do to heal or feel better. Get whatever help you need.

Watch What He Does Over Time.
Is he avoiding all connection? Or just unsure of how to offer affection? Is he taking steps toward rebuilding trust, even small ones? These are the things that will tell you more than just his words or distance in the early days.

If your husband is hesitating to show you affection after the affair, it’s completely understandable to feel rejected, confused, and hurt all over again. You may wonder if it means he doesn’t love you, or if the marriage can’t be saved.

But in many cases, this hesitation is more about his own guilt, shame, and fear than it is about his feelings for you. That doesn’t make it okay, but it does mean there may be room for understanding, healing, and eventual closeness again.

Healing from infidelity is rarely a straight line. It’s messy, uneven, and full of stops and starts. But if both people are willing — truly willing — to show up, even imperfectly, it is sometimes possible to come out stronger on the other side.

I didn’t love the clumsy way my husband showed emotion after the affair. Things got better over time, as I began to heal, and he eventually followed suit. You can read more about how we ultimately saved our marriage, even though it didn’t always look pretty, at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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Mistakes Cheating Spouses Make After Having an Affair

By: Katie Lersch: I mostly hear from betrayed spouses. But I also hear from a surprising number of people who were the ones who had the affair — and who now desperately want to save their marriage.

They often say things like:
“I messed up — I know that.”
“I want to fix this, but everything I do seems to make it worse.”
“She doesn’t believe anything I say anymore.”
“I’m trying to move forward, but I keep getting pulled back into the past.”

Here’s the thing I want them to know (and yes, I do try to help because helping them ultimately helps the faithful spouse.) Cheating spouses can become part of the healing. They can rebuild trust. They can find their way back to a real, solid marriage, if both partners are eventually willing.

But they often make some very common, very human mistakes in the aftermath of the affair. And sometimes those mistakes, while unintentional, create even more damage.

If you’re someone who had the affair, or if you’re the betrayed spouse trying to make sense of your partner’s behavior — this list might bring some clarity.

Here are some of the most frequent mistakes cheating spouses make once the truth is out, and why they often backfire.

Wanting the Pain to End Too Quickly – Before You’ve Earned It”

Most cheating spouses hate seeing the emotional wreckage their actions have caused. They see their spouse sobbing, numb, or filled with rage, and they want it to stop. Not necessarily because they’re selfish, but because they’re ashamed, panicked, and overwhelmed. And frankly, this reaction is understandable.

So they say things like:

“Can we just stop talking about this already?”
“I said I was sorry. What else do you want from me?”
“You’re never going to let this go, are you?”

But here’s the problem: the betrayed spouse is still bleeding. The wound is fresh. And trying to rush healing usually slows it down — or stops it altogether.

What actually helps? Patience. Reassurance. And creating emotional safety again, even when it’s uncomfortable.

Withholding the Full Truth:

Some spouses try to minimize or withhold details — not necessarily to deceive again, but because they think the truth will only cause more pain. They might say things like:

“Telling you the whole story will just make it worse.”
“It doesn’t matter how many times we talked or what we said — the point is it’s over.”
“I don’t remember the details. Can’t we move on?”

But here’s the reality: a betrayed spouse can usually sense when they’re not getting the full truth. And that “sixth sense” — even if it’s subtle — can block trust from being rebuilt.

Trying to “protect” your spouse by filtering the truth often has the opposite effect. It leaves them spinning, guessing, and re-living it all over again.

Being transparent doesn’t mean emotionally dumping every detail at once. But it does mean answering hard questions with honesty, especially if your spouse specifically asks.

Staying Emotionally Disconnected:

After the affair, some spouses go into shutdown mode. They might feel tremendous guilt, shame, or fear, and instead of leaning into connection, they pull away.

They might:

Seem distant or numb
Avoid talking unless absolutely necessary
Get angry or defensive when emotions come up

And the betrayed spouse is left thinking:
“You shattered my world — and now you won’t even be present with me?”

What most betrayed spouses want, more than perfect answers or grand gestures — is emotional availability. They want to feel that you see their pain. That you care. That you’re still in it with them.

That doesn’t mean you have to have all the right words. But shutting down or emotionally ghosting your partner in the middle of this storm sends the message that you’re not safe or invested.

Comparing the Betrayed Spouse to the Affair Partner:

This one might sound obvious, but you’d be surprised how often it happens — sometimes even accidentally.

Some cheating spouses try to “explain” how the affair happened in a way that sounds like comparison:

“She just made me feel heard.”
“It was easy with her. There was no pressure.”
“I didn’t feel judged or criticized.”

Even if it’s not meant to be a comparison, this kind of language can devastate the betrayed partner.

They’re already wondering:

Was she prettier?
Was she more exciting?
Did you love her?

What they need to hear instead is accountability, without pointing fingers or romanticizing the affair. They need to know you see the choice as wrong, not as some emotional “need” that your spouse failed to meet.

Failing to Show Ongoing Reassurance

Once an affair is discovered, trust isn’t just broken — it’s obliterated. That means even normal behaviors can now feel suspicious:

A late meeting
A glance at a phone screen
A random “I’ll be home soon” text

Cheating spouses sometimes roll their eyes or get frustrated when they feel constantly watched or questioned. But here’s the truth: you can’t rebuild trust without giving reassurance — again and again and again.

If you’re serious about healing the marriage, you’ll need to:

Be where you say you’ll be
Offer transparency without being asked
Check in more than you think you need to

Eventually, trust can be rebuilt — but it’s a marathon, not a sprint.

Expecting the Marriage to Just “Go Back to Normal:”

Sometimes, once the dust starts to settle, the cheating spouse just wants things to be “like they used to be.”

They may say:

“I just want us to be happy again.”
“Can’t we just go back to how it was before all this?”

But here’s the hard truth: the old marriage ended the moment the affair happened.

That doesn’t mean the new marriage can’t be healthy, meaningful, or even better. But it will be different. It has to be — because trust, honesty, and emotional intimacy are being rebuilt from the ground up.

Trying to skip that rebuilding process only stalls real healing.

If you were the one who had the affair, I know how overwhelming this all can feel. You’re probably carrying guilt, fear, and maybe even disbelief that you let things go this far.

But here’s what I always tell people: what you do after the affair often matters just as much — if not more — than the affair itself.

You can’t rewrite what happened. But you can influence what happens next. Your transparency, your consistency, your willingness to sit in discomfort, and your ability to show up with real remorse and empathy — these are the things that will tell your spouse whether or not they can trust you again.

And if you’re the betrayed spouse reading this? You’re not crazy for needing more time. You’re not weak for wanting to understand. And you’re not wrong for hoping, as long as your spouse is truly willing to do the work.

No one walks away from this kind of heartbreak unchanged. But with honesty, humility, and daily effort, some couples do walk forward, together. I did. I wanted nothing to do with my husband after I found out her was cheating. But, in time, I did the work. And he most certainly did. And we are still married today. You can read more about that entire process at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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Can I Fall Back In Love With My Husband After He Had An Affair

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from women who are trying to get their lives back after their husbands had an affair. Recently, I heard from a wife who was trying very hard to save her marriage. But there were a few serious issues standing in the way of her being able to do this. She was still filled with anger and resentment, and she said, in part: “If I’m being honest, I don’t think I’m in love with my husband anymore. He has hurt me too deeply. The person that I loved would not have had an affair and betrayed me in the way that he did. So, while I love him as the father of my children and as someone who has been there for me for most of my life, I can’t say that I love what he did or that I’m in love with the person. But, I have my family to consider, and I don’t want to be a middle-aged divorced woman. So, I do want to save my marriage, but I have no idea if it will even be possible for me to fall in love with him again. I’m willing to try, but I just don’t see it.”

These concerns are very common. Being betrayed by an affair will often suppress or even kill loving feelings, at least for a while. And while some people never get these loving feelings back (or even want to,) many are able to. It often just takes some time and some underlying work to clear up any outstanding issues or resentments. It’s also not a process that can be rushed.

Worry About Healing Before You Worry About Falling In Love Again: Sometimes, when I discuss this with women, I will ask them what they’ve been doing to try to work through this and heal. Many of them admit that they haven’t really done anything because they don’t know where to start, or because their husband is resistant, or because neither of them wants to dwell on things.

The thing is, you can’t expect the feelings to return if you don’t have a clear slate or a strong foundation on which to build. You’re asking too much of yourself if you’re trying to force loving feelings when your husband hasn’t shown remorse, rehabilitation, or a workable plan. If you haven’t received these things, there’s nothing wrong with telling your husband that you need these things and suspect that they will help.

But this process takes time. You can’t expect miracles overnight, and sometimes, when you put too much pressure on yourself, you delay your progress when, had you taken care of yourself and made yourself and what you need a priority, you would’ve been better off.

If You Worry About Loving Yourself First, The Rest Often Falls Into Place Much Easier: I’ve alluded to this above, but often, we place so much emphasis on our husbands and how we feel about them that we forget about ourselves. When your husband has an affair, it can have serious effects on your self-image, self-esteem, and even your worldview.

As much as it might feel foreign to you or even selfish, it’s important that you worry more about what makes you happy before you worry about everyone else. This doesn’t mean that you need to or should make any lasting decisions while you are still confused, but there is nothing wrong with taking small steps and moving toward things that feel positive to you.

Worry About Reestablishing Loving Feelings Before You Worry About Falling Back Into Love: Sometimes, in this situation, people want too much too soon. Often, women will tell me that they can’t stand the thought of their husband, and yet they want to feel as though they are madly in love. This really isn’t how it usually works. It helps to take it very slowly and reestablish trust followed by a new connection. Once this happens, it can help to try new things and visit new places because ultimately, you are creating a new history. And what you really want is to create something better and new. But if you rush it, you’ll often delay your progress.

As you begin to see remorse and rehabilitation, you will often become more open and, little by little, the trust and loving feelings will return. The next step is to focus on the connection and the relationship so that you will both feel “in love” all over again.

I know that working through the aftermath of an affair and forgiveness is difficult, but it can truly be worth it. It took a lot of work and healing, but today my marriage is actually stronger than it ever was before. I also did a lot of work on myself and am happier as the result. You can read that story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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For How Long After The Affair Ends Do Men Stop Thinking About It?

By: Katie Lersch: One big worry for many wives who are trying to recover from their husband’s affair is how often he spends thinking about (or longing for) the affair and the other woman. Yes, most husbands will proclaim that the affair is 100% percent over. He may even claim that he wants to move on completely and immediately. But most wives have doubts that he will be able to turn it off in this way. Many wives can’t help but notice a troubling, faraway look in their husbands’ eyes, and many worry that this look means that he’s thinking about the affair.

A wife might say, “My husband denies that he ever thinks about the woman that he had an affair with. He claims that as soon as I found out about it, he immediately shut everything associated with it down. I do believe that he ended things. But just because he’s no longer physically involved, this does not necessarily mean that he is not emotionally involved in his own thoughts and in his own heart. He denies this, of course. But occasionally, I’ll catch him looking into space, and when I try to get his attention, he’s in a bit of a daze. I suspect that this is him thinking back on the other woman and the affair. This isn’t an infrequent occurrence, either. When I confront him about it, he will claim he’s thinking about work. But honestly, he’s never thought about work so much in his life. I’ve seen a few of their exchanges. And he claimed to have real feelings. So how could he not be thinking about her now? I am sure he is, and some of my friends say that I have to expect this because things are still very fresh. Assuming that I could accept that, how long will this last? How long do men think about the affair or the other woman after the affair is over?”

I wish I had an exact answer for you. I wish I could say that this would last for three weeks or one and a half months. But I can’t tell you that. Because the answer very much depends upon many varying factors, which I’ll discuss below.

Do Not Assume That A Husband’s Thoughts About The Affair Are Always Positive Or Nostalgic: I can’t tell you that it is very unlikely that your husband ever remembers aspects of the affair. This is a major event in both of your lives and in your marriage. So it’s likely something that is on both of your minds. That’s just normal human nature.

But it’s very common for wives to assume that when their husband thinks about the affair, he thinks about it longingly. We’ll assume that he is wishing things were different, or that he’d never gotten caught. We fear that he is replaying good memories, and wishing that it would never have ended.

It’s just as likely that he’s ruminating over what a huge mess he made, and how he is ever going to make things up to you. He may even feel some remorse for getting other people involved in his problems.

Here’s something that is very important to consider: When negative consequences come out of any interaction, one tends to ultimately view that interaction negatively. So yes, he may be thinking about the affair, but he may also be thinking about how much he regrets it.

I can’t claim that this is always the case. There are certainly husbands who still feel some tenderness or nostalgia for the other woman. But I think that it can be a mistake to assume that every husband is going to fit into this category.

Be Careful About How Much You Turn His Attention Back To The Affair: It is very normal and understandable to want to gain every bit of information that you can get about the other woman and the affair. You want to know what you are up against and you want information that is going to help you identify similar issues in the future.

You have every right to this information. Unfortunately, not every husband gives it freely. So it’s common to get into a cycle where you’re constantly bringing up the affair. Unfortunately, it can become a very regularly (and tiresome) topic of conversation. Therefore, it can become difficult for your husband to stop thinking about the affair because it comes up constantly.

I am NOT saying that you don’t have every right to repeatedly discuss the issues surrounding the affair. You need to. There is no way around this. But there is a difference between discussing it and ruminating over it or going round and round in circles over the same, unfinished topics.

That is why it is helpful to agree to a regular time to discuss these topics. A standing counseling appointment can work. So can setting aside a couple of evenings a week. You want to get a resolution and then move on to the next topic that’s bothering you. Circling back over and over again is very common. But it does so much more harm than good and it can actually encourage BOTH of you to think about the affair more than is healthy. It should not be the only topic of conversation or thought. You deserve to have a life outside of this, no matter what happens with your husband.

Moving Forward Helps With Rumination On Both Sides: It takes time to move on from an affair. There is no denying this. I don’t think that there are any healthy shortcuts or ways to skip the work that needs to be done. So you should take your time with healing and take as long as you need to turn the corner.

With that said, it is very common to get stuck in a cycle of rumination where you just cannot move on. This actually makes it more likely that your husband (and you) will look back and not forward. As soon as you have the information and the tools that you need to heal, make moving forward (even if it’s slowly) a very high priority because doing so makes it much more likely that there is no reason for either you or your husband to look backward.

In summary, yes, your husband may think about the affair when the discovery of it is fresh. But this doesn’t always mean that he’s thinking about it with longing. You can lessen the time that you are vulnerable to this by moving forward as you are able. Ruminating isn’t good for either of you, so be careful that you are not creating an environment that encourages him to repeatedly look back.

Believe me, I’m not trying to minimize your worries. I understand them. I have had them. But, I also know that getting caught in an endless cycle of assuming the very worst just prolongs your pain. Moving on may seem impossible now, but if you can get there, it feels so much better than moving in a circle of constant worry. You can read about how I was finally able to get there at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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How Do I Rebuild Confidence in Myself After My Husband’s Affair? Some Tips To Help You Overcome Your Doubts

By: Katie Lersch: If you’re reading this, you might still be reeling from the sting of infidelity, not just because your husband cheated, but because of what it did to your sense of self. Maybe you’re asking yourself: “Was I not enough?” or “Can I ever trust my own judgment again?”

I often hear from women who feel shaken to the core after an affair. And one of the most painful parts, beyond the betrayal, is the way it dismantles your self-esteem and trust in yourself. Not just in your husband. In you.

So let’s talk through how you can start to rebuild your own confidence. Because you deserve that. Not all at once, not perfectly, but in small, steady ways that bring your strength and clarity back piece by piece.

Understand That the Affair Wasn’t About Your Worth: This is hard to believe at first, I know. When the man you shared a life with chooses to go outside of your marriage, it’s incredibly natural to internalize that and ask, “What did she have that I didn’t?”

But I can’t stress this enough: affairs are rarely about the betrayed spouse’s shortcomings. They’re usually about escape, ego, unresolved personal issues and struggles, or emotional immaturity or impulse control on the part of the cheating partner.

You didn’t “cause” this. You didn’t make him cheat. And if he led you to believe otherwise, that’s on him, not you. You can’t heal if you’re carrying someone else’s shame as your own.

Reconnect With the Woman You Were Before the Pain. For Yourself. No one Else: One of the things I encourage women to do during recovery is to remember who they were before the affair happened. Not necessarily the woman you were in the marriage — but the woman you were as a whole person. Who were you when you felt confident? What gave you joy, identity, or purpose outside of your role as “wife”?

After an affair, so many women feel like they’ve become invisible, not just to their husband, but to themselves. So this step isn’t just about healing for the marriage, it’s about reconnecting to you.

Maybe that means journaling. Maybe it means a solo walk each day with your favorite podcast. Maybe it means trying something you always wanted to do but never gave yourself permission to. Maybe it means giving yourself permission to spend money on your appearance or self-improvement if that makes you feel better.

Small wins build momentum.

Set Boundaries That Make You Feel Safe: Sometimes, rebuilding self-confidence starts with setting boundaries — even if reconciliation is on the table. After betrayal, you’re allowed to ask for what you need. That might mean that you need transparency with his phone or whereabouts (at least temporarily,) time and space to process without being rushed, and regular check-ins about how you’re both doing emotionally

This isn’t about controlling him. It’s about regaining your own sense of security. And if he’s truly committed to rebuilding, he’ll respect that these boundaries aren’t punishment — they’re repair tools. And you need them.

Be Honest About the Damage (Without Letting It Define You:) A lot of women say things like, “I should be over this by now,” or “I don’t want to keep bringing it up. What if he gets tired of hearing about it?”

But healing doesn’t work on a timeline. And you’re allowed to hurt. You’re allowed to still have bad days, even months after the affair ended. You’re allowed to grieve what you thought your marriage was.

You don’t have to pretend you’re fine just to keep the peace. And being honest about how you’re doing doesn’t make you weak. It makes you real. The key is expressing it in ways that are productive rather than punishing.

One approach I recommend is saying: “I want us to move forward, but today I’m feeling a little shaky. I need your help to find my footing again.”

This shifts the tone from blame to connection, and it gives your husband a role in rebuilding, instead of shutting him out.

Stop Measuring Yourself Against Her. You’ll Never Win When You Compete With Your Own Mind: If your husband had an affair with someone who seemed younger, thinner, or more exciting, it can be incredibly tempting to constantly compare yourself. But here’s what you need to know: You are not in competition with her.

She existed in a fantasy bubble. She got the best performance of a man who was likely feeling guilty, flattered, and detached from his real life. She didn’t walk through real-world stress with him. She didn’t raise kids or build a home by his side.

You are the woman who stayed. You are the one choosing to fight. You are the one with history.

The best way to stop comparing? Focus inward. Pour into yourself FOR YOURSELF. Reclaim the space in your own life where comparison has been stealing peace.

Know That Confidence Isn’t Loud. It’s Quiet Resilience: A lot of women assume that rebuilding confidence means becoming this fearless, invincible version of themselves. But in my experience, true post-affair confidence looks a lot more like calm and clarity.

It’s the ability to say: “I know what I bring to the table and I won’t settle for less than respect and honesty, even if it means hard conversations.”

It’s not that the pain disappears — it’s that you slowly stop letting it define your every move.

You might still feel fragile, unsure, and shaken. That’s okay. This is trauma. And it doesn’t undo itself overnight.

But every time you make a choice that protects your peace, every time you put one foot in front of the other — even if it’s small — you’re reclaiming your power.

You can survive this. More than that, you can grow stronger. Whether your marriage ultimately recovers or not, you will be okay. And you’ll find yourself again, not just as someone who was betrayed, but as someone who rebuilt from the ashes.

I will admit. I DID change my appearance for my own confidence after my husband’s affair. But it wasn’t dramatic. It was just making the most of what I have, so I felt better about myself. Today, I know that I can handle whatever comes my way – but I am still very married. You can read about how I picked up the pieces, and eventually, we did it together at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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