Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: There are many excuses that people give for being unfaithful to their spouses. Some of them are easy to dismiss out of hand. And others require at least some consideration. One example is a one-time thing that was supposedly caused by drinking. In other words, the cheating spouse’s inhibitions were down because of the alcohol. Therefore, he didn’t have sound judgment, and, in a momentary lapse, he cheated. Supposedly just the once.

Some wives will at least wonder if this excuse is valid, and other wives will not give it any special consideration.

Someone might say, “I know my husband was impaired on the night he cheated on me because I talked to him on the phone. I could tell he was flying high. He was slurring his words. He admitted that he had been drinking, and he was away on a business trip where everyone else was drinking. He doesn’t handle alcohol very well, so he rarely drinks. I do believe him when he says he wasn’t thinking clearly. Still, he cheated on me during this trip. He told me the next day, and I believe him when he claims that it was only one time (mostly because he hasn’t been out of my sight very much,) but I’m still devastated. He acts as if I’m just supposed to forget about it since he was drunk. But I’m never going to be able to forget. No matter how it happened, it still happened, and nothing he says or does will negate it. Am I wrong in my thinking?”

I definitely don’t think that you are wrong in your thinking. While I will concede that I believe there is a small difference in recovery from a very short fling and a long-term, serious affair, I’d never tell you that his drinking means he gets off scot-free.  

Why? Because the damage is still done. I’ve done damage to people and things I love plenty of times without meaning to. But my lack of intent doesn’t mean that I didn’t make the mistake, or that I don’t have to clean up my mess. Intent doesn’t mean that I don’t have to learn from my mistakes or that I don’t have to make things up to the people I hurt.  

The same is true of an affair. My husband’s affair happened in similar circumstances, but that didn’t change what was necessary for me to heal.

Lapses in Judgment Still Require Understanding and Rehabilitation:  I understand that people aren’t thinking clearly when they are drunk. I understand that they are impaired. But, and this is only my opinion, that alone can’t excuse or erase the behavior.

Why? Many people who find themselves in this situation will tell you that there was a mitigating factor like they don’t hold their alcohol very well or they didn’t know what they were doing. To address those excuses, I wonder why they would put themselves in that position if they knew that they might be so compromised in a place where their spouse wasn’t present. Why leave yourself so very vulnerable?

Yes, I know that everyone makes mistakes, but there is no denying that this mistake is particularly damaging, which means that the fallout cannot be ignored.

Again, this is only my opinion based on my own experience. But having a quick fling due to drinking does not negate the need for rehabilitation and recovery. Your spouse will need to understand what in his thought process (or lack of it) left him so vulnerable, and then he will need to examine what he can do to make sure this never happens again. After that, he needs to begin the long path of restoring your trust and confidence in him.  

These things shouldn’t be skipped merely because he was drunk. You still need these things to heal every bit as much as you’d need them if he were sober. It makes no difference. And if you’re uncomfortable that he is working with the other woman, that needs to be addressed also. His top priority should be your healing, whatever it takes.

The Tiny Bit of Difference the Circumstances Make:  Now, to be fair, we need to look at this from all sides. I do believe there’s a concession to be made here. For what it is worth, this situation is arguably a bit less devastating than dealing with a long-term affair where the husband was either considering leaving his wife for the other woman or has actually left.

I often hear from wives dealing with a husband who either has been seeing the other woman for a very long time and trying to hide it or is being very blatant about it and refusing to give her up, claiming that they are in love or are soul mates. 

This is very different from a husband who admitted to the affair himself right after a very short indiscretion. In this short-term case, there’s no history between them, arguably no feelings, and no long history of secrecy. 

I’m not implying that ANY type of affair is better or easier to get over than another. They can all be incredibly difficult. But, for me personally, I’d rather deal with a blip that is over right away than a long-term betrayal. Don’t misunderstand me. Both require work to get over. And both require rehabilitation and healing. No one wants either one.

But to answer the original concern, the drinking while cheating excuse is very common. But it doesn’t excuse the infidelity. What is more important is whether he immediately comes clean, that any interaction is over, and he is more than willing to do whatever is necessary to rehabilitate and heal. Drinking doesn’t negate any of this. He still put himself in a vulnerable position. He still ultimately made a devastating decision that has caused damage, which now must be dealt with. 

That said, from my own experience, I believe that healing is very possible with patience and intention.  If it helps, you can read about how I did it at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: It would be nice if a cheating spouse would sit you down and tell you everything you need to know about the affair from the get-go. This would mean that you wouldn’t have to pull the information out of him and you’d know the important details early on. This quick timeline could, in theory, save some pain and frustration. 

Unfortunately, many husbands don’t want to stick to a quick timeline with disclosure. Instead, they’d rather go silent and refuse to communicate, in the hopes that you’ll give up your quest for information and they can move on without many consequences. Needless to say, this is often frustrating and unacceptable to the wives on the other end of the silence. 

One of the wives might say, “I don’t know how my husband would ever expect me to get over his affair when he refuses to even talk about it on the most basic level. If I dare mention anything about it, he gets snippy and clams up. Sometimes, he acts outraged as though he can’t imagine why I would dare to ask him such a thing. It’s almost as though I am the one who has done something wrong. I believe he is hoping that if he closes off communication about this, I’ll eventually get so frustrated that I will give up. The thing is, I cannot give up. Because I know that I cannot move on if I don’t know what actually happened. I need accurate information if I’m going to make a sound decision. The ironic thing is, I think it’s possible that one day, I COULD move on if he were just honest with me and genuinely remorseful. But instead, he seems to want to play games and act as if I don’t deserve answers.”

Why He May Be Withholding Information: I understand how frustrating this is. Getting the necessary information from a cheating spouse is one of the most common complaints that I hear. And on the one hand, it’s not impossible to understand. It’s human nature to want to spare oneself pain and contempt, even if you admittedly deserve it. It’s also human nature to want to move on, especially if you know that staying stagnant is just going to prolong the pain.

How To Approach Him About This: Your husband may honestly think that trying to rush you forward may minimize your pain, even if you don’t agree. That’s why you may have to make it clear that you’re not willing to move forward with this unresolved. At some point, your husband may try to go forth as though nothing has changed and insinuate that you have the same marriage you’ve always had. He’ll want or ask something of you, and that’s when you can say something like, “I wish I could, but I really can’t go forward as if nothing has happened in our marriage when we both know that it has. I know you get frustrated when I bring it up, but I have a right to the information about the affair that I need so that I’m fully aware of what we’re dealing with. It’s unfair to keep me in the dark in this way. How would you feel if the roles were reversed? You’d want the information. I want it just like anyone would.”

Then, give him some time to think about it. Sometimes, when he realizes that you’re not going to give in, he will begin to open up some. He may do it little by little, but he will often start talking once he feels he doesn’t have a choice.  

Another tactic you can try is to ask him to go to counseling. Any good counselor is going to ask for the relevant information to help you work through this. Sometimes, it is easier for the cheating spouse to hear questions from someone other than the faithful spouse. But he’ll typically have to offer up a good deal of information in counseling. 

Pick Your Battles:  I wouldn’t be doing right by you if I didn’t mention this. As your husband begins to give you information, take care that you maximize what you learn by not hyper-dwelling on nonessential things. Don’t keep asking the same questions differently. For example, my husband told me bluntly about what led to the affair. I didn’t like his explanation at all, so I continued to ask about this same topic in all sorts of different ways and we just continued to go round and round without any progress. In essence, he told me what I asked, but I still didn’t understand or I didn’t like what he said, so I just continued to ask, and he continued to answer, but he felt I wasn’t even trying to listen.

Once he tells you what you’ve asked, sometimes, that has to be enough unless you think he isn’t being truthful. Another thing that I feel I must say is that you want to very carefully consider what you want to ask. I’ve had people tell me that they asked sexual questions that they later deeply regretted because they couldn’t get certain mental pictures out of their minds. Make sure that you really want to know the answers to the questions that you ask.

Some answers can only hurt you and probably won’t help you. My rule of thumb was that my husband absolutely needed to answer the basic five w’s (who, what, when, where, why) and an h (how?). For other types of questions, I followed the advice of people who told me to think long and hard about what I wanted to know. If something is going to make you ruminate, you can’t change it, and it’s only going to cause you pain, perhaps that is something that isn’t necessary to know.

You’re going to not only have to live with this knowledge, but you’re also going to have to process it enough to eventually move on. Some types of knowledge are necessary for moving on. But other bits of knowledge actually impede your progress, so it makes sense to choose carefully. You definitely deserve answers and shouldn’t give in until you have them.  

But it helps to know when you have enough information to move forward with the least amount of pain.  And you do deserve to move forward.  None of this was your fault.  If it helps you to learn about how I was finally able to move forward, that story is at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: As you might imagine, most of the people who reach out to me to ask questions are faithful spouses. Since I write from that perspective because I too was the faithful spouse, it makes sense that people having the same experience and struggles would reach out. Occasionally, though, I do hear from cheating spouses. They have their own sets of struggles, and they can also grapple with why they’re seeing certain behaviors.

One of the most common questions I get is why the affair partner ultimately went back to his spouse when everything in his words and in his behavior indicated that this was the last thing he wanted to do.

For example, an affair partner might say, “I know I shouldn’t be shocked, but I am surprised that the man I’ve been cheating with for several months ended the affair to work things out with his wife. I feel like an idiot for letting this surprise me. But all along, he’s been very negative about his wife and his marriage, and he’s been very complimentary to me. He always tells me that being with me feels like a break in comparison to the way he feels with his wife. I can’t claim that he ever told me that he was going to leave his wife for me, but that was certainly implied between us. I never made waves or made any overt demands of him. I tried to always be welcoming. We didn’t have a fight or differences of opinion. He just said he is breaking it off with me because he needs to make things work with his wife. Why would he do this? As far as I know, she still doesn’t suspect anything, so there is really no reason to take this action.” 

Some of the above assumptions may be untrue. You don’t know that the wife doesn’t suspect anything. You also don’t know that there is no reason for the husband to take any action. None of us are mind readers, so it’s impossible to know someone’s true motivations unless they share them. That said, I’ve known many couples in this situation, and I believe I have a good handle on why cheating spouses ultimately return to their spouse and their marriage (which happens much of the time.) I will share that below.

He Was Never Looking to Leave His Marriage: People often assume that a person who cheats must be unhappy in their marriage, but this isn’t always true. Sometimes, they are unhappy with themselves, their lives, or a situation that has nothing to do with their marriage. Other times, they are in the right place at an unfortunate time when they are vulnerable to cheating.

Whatever the reason, it isn’t always correct to think that cheating spouses are looking to get out of their marriages. Sure, they may be looking for a break or something different. But in their minds, they were never looking for another spouse or relationship. They never intended to break up their family, no matter what they might say. This leads me to my next point.

Divorce is Painful, Expensive, and Shocking: Many people can begin to believe that the grass might be greener somewhere else, until they are faced with losing their marriage and their family. If a wife suspects or finds out and the husband is faced with the possibility of divorce, he will often change his mind about the affair relationship rather quickly.

There is a big difference between fantasizing about a different life and actually blowing up your life by getting a divorce. Many people just aren’t willing to do it. Because they weren’t that unhappy to begin with. 

He May Have Realized That He Was Wrong About His Spouse: Sometimes, a cheating spouse does believe that they are unhappy in their marriage. So, while they may not necessarily want a divorce, they want something else. But while they are carrying on with the affair, they’re suddenly not scrutinizing their marriage and their wife as much. And after this type of calm, some men realize that they were wrong in their assumptions and unfair in their evaluation of their wife and of their marriage. When they realize their mistake, they’ll want to break off the affair.

The Spouse Found Out or Began to Suspect: It’s one thing to carry on in secret when there aren’t any consequences. But a spouse discovering an affair can douse cold water on it like nothing else. When consequences are suddenly at play, a cheating spouse can realize that the affair just isn’t remotely worth it, and he will then break it off abruptly.

His Conscience Got to Him: People play all sorts of mind games with themselves to carry out an affair. They’ll convince themselves that no one will find out or get hurt. They’ll tell themselves that it doesn’t mean anything. And they may buy these claims for a short time. But over the long term, most people know in their hearts that they are doing something quite damaging and wrong. Over time, the guilt feelings become too much to deal with, so it becomes obvious that it is time to end it. 

The Affair Has Come to Its Natural End: Statistics show us that most affair fizzle out on their own in a pretty short amount of time. Even when an affair partner thinks they’ve done nothing wrong, it takes two people to carry out an affair. And the other person can simply decide that they are done. An affair often feeds on secrecy and newness. When either of those aspects are compromised, there’s really no reason to keep going. 

I hope this list is helpful. And I don’t mean to downplay anyone’s feelings or pain. But it’s not uncommon for someone to end an affair after a set period of time for various reasons. Most of the time, the person ending it just want start to salvage what they can. 

I suspect there may be some faithful spouses who are reading this article. If so, you’re welcome to read more about how I coped with infidelity and eventually was able to overcome the worst of it at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: It’s not optimal when your husband, who is already in great trouble due to his cheating, can’t seem to be discrete about the fall-out from the same. As if an affair or cheating isn’t a painful enough scenario for a wife to have to deal with, many wives have to juggle much more. In some cases, the wife is now dealing with people who are now interested in the state of her marriage because her husband blabbed about the struggles of that same marriage.

A wife might say, “I will admit that my husband’s life hasn’t been great since I caught him cheating on me. I gave him no time to explain himself. I don’t want to hear it. I’ve told him all along that cheating was a dealbreaker, and he cheated anyway. So I kicked him out pretty quickly. He’s saying with his family, and he’s telling any one of them who will listen that I’m heartless and unyielding. His sister called me yesterday and tried to argue his case. It made me furious. Of course, he has downplayed what he did. To me, his affair makes every behavior of mine justified. There’s nothing he can do or say where he comes out as this good guy in this. However, he seems to want me to take some of the blame, and not only do I refuse, but I greatly resent that he’d even allow his mind to go there. I have no fault in this whatsoever. And he’s got another thing coming if he believes I’m going to sit silently and let him say whatever he wants. At the same time, I don’t want to spend my time and energy defending myself. This is only injuring me more and making my resentment larger.”

I agree that it takes too much energy and effort to talk about your marriage to others. This is a time when you need to protect yourself and your own well-being as much as possible. You don’t need any extra things to deal with.

Know When to Draw a Protective Line Around Yourself:

When I dealt with infidelity, someone gave me what I found to be good advice for my situation, and I’ll share it here. What worked for me may not work for you, so keep that in mind. But I was told that it’s best not to unload on mutual friends or family because you can’t be sure how things will look six months to a year down the road.

At that point, I’d already told a couple of people. But from that day on, I kept much of my marital issues to myself, and some of the people who I told just could not let it go later, so I regret sharing personal matters with some. Those people still bring up the affair even as I’ve long moved past it. So telling them actually prolonged my pain.

That said, I found it helpful to talk to people who didn’t know my husband. Those people could therefore be completely neutral and only wanted to help me. But I wasn’t able to say this about the mutual family and friends who did know both of us. For those folks, I would tell them that while I appreciated them pulling for me, I’d prefer to talk about something other than my marriage.

Understand What Your Husband’s Trying to Gain By Involving Others:

I am not going to tell you that your husband doesn’t deserve your wrath. He does. But I think it can help you deal with his behavior if you understand the motivations behind it. It’s possible that he’s relying on other people to get your attention on his behalf since he’s not having much success on his own. In other words, he thinks that having others go to bat for him might help him get back into your good graces. Yes, his logic is definitely flawed. But he may feel desperate because your actions have made your feelings very clear and things don’t look good for him.

Understanding this doesn’t mean that you don’t have a right to your anger and frustration. You absolutely do. But understanding his motivations might make it easier for you to let other people’s opinions roll off you. Putting your marriage up for debate from others is emotionally exhausting, and you’d be well within your rights to take the high road and refuse to engage with that.

If it feels wrong not to defend yourself, you can try something vague like, “Clearly, he hasn’t told you the whole story. And you won’t hear it from me. But, not surprisingly, I deny fault and that’s all I’m going to say about it. What do you say we talk about something else?”

Then change the subject. I always found it helpful to make it clear that I was more than willing to talk about other things. I didn’t want to lose the support of my family and friends. I just didn’t want to talk to them about my marriage. That said, I made sure that I had other places where I could go for support because everyone needs an outlet.

Not wanting others to talk about your marriage doesn’t mean that you don’t want to still foster the relationships. It just means that you don’t want the relationship contingent on discussions about your marriage. That’s a private matter between you and your husband. Admittedly, he’s chosen to take it public, but that doesn’t mean that you need to take the bait.

You can choose to rise above it and protect yourself from having to always explain and defend. In your heart, you know that you aren’t the one who cheated and aren’t the one at fault. You shouldn’t need to repeatedly defend it. This takes too much energy and emotion at a time when both are running low.

Set the ground rules and then go right back to making yourself the priority. The people close to you will eventually get the message. You may choose to confide in some people and not in others, but the choice should be yours.

Right now, you should be free to focus on your own healing and not caring what other people think.  If it helps, you can read about my healing at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: There are many reactions a wife might have to her husband’s cheating. It’s not uncommon to act in a way that you think might be uncharacteristic of you. Normally stoic wives might momentarily feel as if they’ve lost their minds. Wives who are normally even-tempered may become obsessed with revenge.  

But one unexpected reaction that seems to surprise wives more than others is desire. This often catches a wife off guard. Why in the world would she want to be intimate with a husband who has been intimate with someone else?

A wife in this situation might say, “Part of my reaction to my husband’s cheating is both confusing and somewhat disturbing to me. I am furious with him, of course. And I’m going through all of the other emotions that I’d expect to feel, like shock, sadness, and anger. But another emotion that I’m feeling is desire. I almost initiated sex with him last night. And today, I almost hate myself for it. I have no idea what came over me, or why in the world I’d even consider it. What is wrong with me that I’d even consider having sex with this man so soon after I found out that he was cheating? I’m almost ashamed of myself, even though I’m not the one who has done anything wrong.”

There is nothing wrong with you. And believe it or not, this is not an uncommon reaction. I have some theories as to why it happens, and I’ll discuss them below in the hopes that they might make you feel a little bit better.  

There’s No Perfect Response to a Cheating Spouse: 

There is no right or wrong response to finding out that your husband is cheating. You’re justified in feeling whatever you feel, and you can have very contradictory emotions. This doesn’t mean that anything is wrong with you. It just means that you are trying to process this. 

A Desire to Stake your Claim: 

I believe it’s possible that even as we’re absolutely furious with our husbands and may even question if we want to stay married to him, we might also have an innate desire to stake our claim. After all, just a short time ago, we believed he was solely ours. And now, we may begin to doubt that, even if we aren’t sure that we still want him.

A Desire to Feel Desired:  

I can tell you firsthand that your self-esteem can take a beating when you find out your husband has been cheating. His infidelity can feel like a rejection. So having sex with him can be a way to prove to yourself that you are still very desirable.

A Grab for Power: 

In the same way that sex can be an affirmation for feeling desired, it can also have power. Holding sexual desire over your husband can make you feel like you still have some power over him at a time when you might feel powerless.

A Need to Reconnect:  

Even if you aren’t sure what you want to do tomorrow or next week, it can be impossible to completely turn off your feelings for this man. Even the deepest fury doesn’t ensure that your emotions just dissipate. It might make life easier if they did. But they don’t. Sometimes, even beneath the anger, there is a desire to connect outside of the hurt. 

Deciding Where to Go From Here:  

There are no rules that I can recite for you in this situation. Everyone is different. Some people are able to separate sex and the health of the relationship. Other people think that having sex with him now would mean condoning his behavior or would make recovery confusing. 

There is no right or wrong answer. There is just what is right or wrong for you. In my own case, I felt that sex would just confuse and complicate things. And so I took it off of the table while we were in recovery.  

I knew that if I had sex with my husband before I recovered, I would simply be thinking about the other woman the entire time. And bad sex during recovery would just make me more confused and discouraged.

Yet, I know some people who never paused their sex life during recovery. They were completely able to separate the sex and the recovery. And that worked for them because both people were clear that having sex didn’t mean that their problems were solved. If you can do this and both people feel fine about it, then you won’t get any lectures from me.  

That said, I believe that self-care is very important after infidelity. Give yourself permission to do the things that make you feel cared for. It helps to be very clear on what you’re going to need to heal and to then make no apologies for going after those things until you get them.

Sex doesn’t mean that your husband doesn’t have rehabilitation in front of him. It hopefully doesn’t mean that you’ll sidestep recovery. It’s completely up to you as to whether you want to act on this desire, but you shouldn’t beat yourself up for having it. I believe that it’s normal and understandable. 

I had the desire too. But I waited to act on it. That was just what felt right to me at the time. You can read more about my recovery at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from faithful wives who have sat down to write letters to their unfaithful husbands. Some of them can’t even bring themselves to form the words. Others find that they have no problem of filling page after page with the onslaught of feelings that are pouring out of them. 

Still, no matter what experience the faithful wife might have, she is sometimes unsure if she should even bother to write, much less to give, the letter to her husband. She can wonder if it will make one bit of difference. Perhaps it will make things worse?

A wife might say, “Ever since I found out that my husband has been cheating on me, I’ve been writing in a journal. It’s the only thing that has kept me from going crazy. It is the only way I can release what I am really feeling without burdening those close to me. It is the only way I can express the depth of my pain without sounding too severe. For the past couple of days, I’ve taken passages out of my journal and used them to write letters to my husband. I am debating giving him one of them. As it stands, we aren’t communicating. I can’t look at him without feeling hatred, and he says he’ll be walking on eggshells for the rest of his life around me. He looks at me like I’m unhinged lately. And maybe I am. I’m wondering if giving him one of these letters will make things worse or help me express myself to him for once. Is it worth it to try?”

I definitely think that a carefully-worded letter has its place. And I most certainly support journal writing. I’ll tell you my take on letters below. But before I do, I want to say that I know you’re hurting, and you’re doing what you think will make you feel better. Please keep doing that. If there was ever a time for extreme self-care, it’s now. Always give yourself permission to take care of yourself.

Try to Avoid Repeating What You’ve Already Said In Person: 

You’ve already seen how journal writing is helping you to define and release your feelings. Keep doing that. But don’t use the letter to your husband in the same way. 

If you do, the written word won’t be much different than the spoken word. You’ll basically be yelling at him in writing instead of in person. And what good does that do?

Now, if you are having trouble getting out what you want to say in person or you can’t effectively express your words, then by all means use the written word if it helps you to articulate what you can’t say in person.

But avoid repeating the same points you’ve been making in person on paper. Otherwise, you run the risk of churning the same problems, but not really addressing them.

A Letter Can Be Useful if You Keep Your End-Game in Mind: 

Another thing to keep in mind is that you don’t want to use the letter to simply unleash on your husband and tell him what an unredeemable human being he is if you have even a little bit of an inkling that you might want to repair your marriage one day.

You have every right to be angry, and you don’t have to pretend that you aren’t. (Who would believe you anyway?) But you don’t want to repeatedly say things that you can’t take back if you are still even a little bit invested in your marriage – or might be in the future. 

Remember, that you are putting this in writing. It can’t be debated. There will always be a record of what you’ve said. He can always go back and reference it.

I’m in no way saying that he doesn’t deserve your wrath. But I’m saying that you want to think about your objective before you write anything.

Remember that you’re going to get a reaction. And that reaction is going to either move you forward or delay you. I’m not telling you to put a positive spin on something that is negative. But I am suggesting that think about where you want to be in a month or two from now when you sit down to write this letter. 

Follow Up With Action:  

Assuming that you are writing this letter because you want to move forward with at least some positivity, don’t stop with putting your words to paper.

Yes, this can be a great way to open the door. But without following up your words with action, you run the risk of your words being empty. If you decide to give him the letter, ask yourself some of the things that you might do to follow it up to make this situation better. 

Make a list. And choose an item from that list every day or two and work on each item. That way, your letter has teeth and accomplishes what you want it to do. 

Don’t misunderstand me. I think letters, when well thought out, are great. They can say the things that you will struggle to say in person. But make sure that what you say is actually constructive and will make your situation feel better in the long term.

Yes, it feels great to release your anger and to just let it rip. But that’s what your journal is for. Use your journal as a way to release and express your feelings. Use your letter as a stepping point to action. 

I did write a letter or two after my husband’s affair, especially in the beginning when I was struggling to express myself calmly. We’d often interrupt one another, and a letter allowed me to avoid that problem. But thankfully, I knew I’d need much more than words on paper to heal my marriage. Over time, I found those healing things and pursued them. You can read about that at https://surviving-the-affair.com.

Never give up until you have what you know you need. You deserve nothing less. 

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By: Katie Lersch: One of the biggest things wives want to know about after an affair is the details of regret. Many wives consider remorse and regret to be the two biggest factors when deciding whether to try to remain married.

And many wives don’t just wonder IF he felt regret, they want to know WHEN he felt it. For them, the timing of the remorse can be indicative of its sincerity.

Someone might say: “My husband doesn’t want to talk too much about his affair. I have to pull all of the details out of him. Over time, I have come to believe that he regrets the affair. But I am worried about when he regrets it. Because he carried on with this woman for several weeks until I caught him. So although he says he felt guilty and broken up about it, I honestly never saw any signs of that. If I hadn’t stumbled onto his cheating, I might never have known. He didn’t act particularly different. So all his claims of being conflicted seem doubtful to me. Rather, I worry that he’s now remorseful simply because I caught him. I worry that if I’d never find out, he’d still be blissfully cheating on me today. How do I know when he felt remorse?”

I understand why this is important to you. I’ve been through infidelity, and I suspect that you perceive if he felt remorse right away, that would indicate that he still had feelings and empathy toward you, which would make things slightly better right now.

I’m definitely going to tell you my take on this. But before I do, keep in mind that everyone is different. I’m going to be speaking in generalizations and about what I’ve experienced and observed. But that doesn’t mean everything I say will be true for you.

I Believe Most Men Feel Remorse Quickly:

I’ve talked to quite a few people who have actively cheated. Because of what happened to me and the fact that I write about this, I am always looking for insights and data. I can only speak from my own observations here, but I do find that most men will tell you that they regretted it nearly the second (or shortly after) they crossed a line.

If you have trouble believing that, think about how you would feel if you cheated on your spouse. Even if the situation was exciting or novel. How would you feel as you were driving home to your spouse? How would you feel if you had to deceive your spouse afterward? No matter how alluring you might find the other person, would you not be overcome with guilt?

I know that I would. I know that some people are thinking, “Yes, but men are different than women.” Sure, some men may be different than some women.

But I have a hard time believing that if you put years of effort into a relationship, you can completely turn off the feelings and promises of commitment within that relationship. You might try because feeling guilty feels awful. But it would still nag at you. That said, I have another point to make.

People Who are Carrying Out Affairs Often Actively Quiet the Guilty Voices in Their Heads:

Put yourself back into the scenario of cheating with the cheating. Let’s say you feel guilty, but somehow or another, you continue on. There are only a few ways that this is possible without being overcome by guilt. You must find a way to justify it to yourself.

So you’ll tell yourself that no one will know, so therefore, no one will get hurt. You’ll tell yourself that you’ll break this off soon. You’ll pretend that there are issues in your relationship that justify what you’ve done.

In short, you’ll play all sorts of mind games with yourself until you can start to believe these lies you’re telling yourself so you can carry on.

I believe this is why some spouses can come off as a bit indignant when confronted about the affair. They are so well-practiced at justification, the lies begin to flow, even to themselves.

I do not tell you this to defend your spouse. I am just trying to offer some perspective.

The More Important Question:

I do understand why you want to know how soon he felt remorse, but unless you can look back into time and into his mind, this exact knowledge won’t be possible – unless you trust that he is telling you the truth.

My point is, you might not ever know the exact moment he felt remorse. Since he was likely trying to push it down, he may not even know the precise timing himself.

I believe what is most important is whether he is remorseful now. And I mean deeply, and genuinely remorseful where he understands exactly what he has done and how deeply he may have damaged your marriage.

Spouses who feel this type of deep remorse are eventually much more proactive in doing their part to help you recover. I have heard people say that they didn’t know the mess they made until they saw their spouse’s reaction, and then they were broken.

I would argue that this response is every bit as legitimate and even as desirable as the spouse who felt immediate remorse. What matters is how deeply he feels it now and how motivated he is to try to fix the damage he has done.

He needs to understand the depth of the damage so that he is never, ever tempted to do this again. I believe that this is just as effective no matter when it happens. But it needs to be real – and not lip service or just saying the words he thinks you want to heal until this blows over.

A husband who feels deep remorse can become a very good husband in the future because he becomes very conscious of how close he came to losing everything due to his foolishness. So that often makes him even more motivated to give you the marriage he knows you deserve in the future.

Again, I can only tell you about what I’ve experienced, but I believe I have benefitted from this type of remorse.  Without it, I don’t know if I’d still be married.  You can read more about that at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many wives doubt their husband’s sincerity after he cheated or had an affair.

They doubt that the affair is over.

They doubt that the feelings weren’t serious.

They doubt that he is still invested in the marriage, no matter what he might say.

And sometimes, these doubts go even further. The wife thinks that not only does he no longer want to be in the marriage, but he’s only in the marriage out of a sense of obligation. 

Sometimes, the wife has some issue that she feels ties her husband to her whether he likes it or not.

In these types of instances, she can feel like a burden.

She might say, “To my husband’s credit, he admitted the affair right away. He also apologized, and he has given me most, but not all, of the information that I have asked for.”

” I suppose that I am going to have to trust him when he says that it’s over. I’m not really in the position to go snooping and following him around. But sometimes I sense that he is miserable to be stuck with me. I have a medical condition that requires me to live with someone. I also haven’t been able to work up to my potential, so I am somewhat dependent on my husband’s income. Therefore, I feel like he thinks he is stuck with me whether he likes it or not.”

“Even if he wants to be with the other woman, he likely feels like he can’t. This should give me a touch of relief, but it doesn’t. I feel like a burden. I try very hard to limit what I ask of my husband. But sometimes it can’t be avoided. So now I’m trying to get over the affair along with feeling like an obligation that my husband can’t avoid. How do I get past this?”

First of all, I want to say that I at least know how you are feeling regarding the affair. It is a betrayal that can make you doubt many aspects of yourself. And I suspect that you may be experiencing a little bit of that right now.

If He Truly Didn’t Want to Stay, He Likely Wouldn’t:

I understand why you are feeling unsure, but I can share something with you which I hope helps, just a touch.

I’ve dialogued with many wives from many backgrounds who are struggling with infidelity. Some of them had husbands who weren’t going to stay no matter what. 

I’ve seen people with handicapped kids whose dad left because of an affair.  

I’ve seen spouses leave the other spouse penniless because they had to be with their affair partner.

The point I’m trying to make is this: If your husband truly didn’t want to stay with you, he wouldn’t. 

Sure, he may make of a show of staying at first. But eventually, very few people are going to do what they truly don’t want to do.

Yes, he may be frustrated with your medical situation. He may feel helpless to help you.

He may be angry at the mess he has made.

But generally speaking, people don’t act against their own desires and best interests for the long term.

Evaluating What is Actually True: 

I am going to be vulnerable for a second and tell you that I was sure my husband didn’t actually find me attractive after his affair.

And this was when I was arguably younger, thinner, etc. This was at a time when I can look back and say I wasn’t unattractive in the least.

But I felt like I was. 

My point is that sometimes we project our own fears onto the situation.

Our fear contributes to us seeing a reality that doesn’t exist. But we risk making that reality the truth.

If I say to my husband, “How could you be attracted to me with all this cellulite on my legs?”, I’m actually drawing his attention where I don’t want it. 

Eventually, he is going to look down at my legs. I’ve not only brought his attention to it, but I risk a self-fulfilling prophecy.

If I say, “Why would you want to be with me?” over and over again, then eventually, my husband might just start to ask himself that very question.

He might suspect that I know that there is something wrong with me when actually there is nothing wrong. I’m only afraid.

Do you see where I’m going?  

If you think you are a burden, you may act like one.

And if you act like one, you may alter the outcome that you want and deserve.

Changing Your Thought Process to Escape a Losing Equation:

So, let’s look at the equation that we have.

Your husband is likely still with you because, somewhere in his heart, he wants to be.

But you feel like a burden, and this may negatively shift your behavior.

Does this equal the best outcome that you could have?

It only does if you can stop trying to convince yourself that you’re a burden.

Let me ask you this. If your husband had a medical issue, would you willingly step up for him? I suspect you would.  

We’ve all promised to love our spouse in sickness and in health.  

So I think you can separate the affair and feelings of being a burden into two separate issues.

I also think that it would greatly benefit you to work on your confidence.

I did this after my husband’s affair, and it helped tremendously. It meant that when he told me he wanted to stay in our marriage, I believed him.

I believed that I was worth it. I believed that he would be crazy not to try to make it work with me.

And as a result, I was able to invest in my marriage again.

Please don’t sell yourself short. You deserve much better than that. And you shouldn’t hesitate to seek out the healing that will erase these negative thoughts.

I know the negative thoughts can be overwhelming after an affair, but you have to learn how to silence them so you can focus on moving forward.  You can read more about how I did that at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Quite understandably, two of the biggest questions that wives have when evaluating whether their marriage stands a chance after infidelity is:

1. How did my husband feel about the other woman while cheating, and
2. How does he still feel about her today?

After all, if he is still carrying a torch, it is going to be very difficult to restore the marriage with any confidence. 

Of course, men don’t usually come right out and tell you how they really feel.

In fact, they usually deny they feel anything. But no one wants to accept this for an answer.

So wives wait. And they watch. And they come up with their own theories.

The Wife who Thinks her Husband Felt Genuine Affection for the Other Woman: One very common scenario looks at the husband’s actions and behaviors and assumes that he has genuine affection or love for the other woman.

She might say, “My husband refuses to disclose how he feels about the woman he cheated on me with. It is like pulling teeth to get him to talk about her at all. But I make it very clear that if he has any hope of saving this marriage, then he’d better talk to me. And he’d better be honest. Still, he doesn’t say much. He’ll only give vague answers. But sometimes I think his wistful expressions and the longing in his eyes give him away. On the rare occasions that I get him to talk about her, the tone in his voice or the look on his voice is one of admiration and affection. I don’t think this is my imagination. When I ask him about this, he says the relationship only lasted for weeks, so how can he feel anything? That’s not exactly true. It was a few months. But still. Is it possible that my husband has genuine affection for this woman?”

I definitely have an opinion about this, although some are going to disagree with me. And I hope to make this crystal clear below.

Men Manufacture all Sorts of Feelings To Justify their Behavior: At our most basic level, nearly all of us can play mind games with ourselves to talk ourselves into doing what we know we shouldn’t do, but suspect that we want to do.

In my own case, I know I am trying to eat healthier, but if I’m sitting with a group of friends with a delicious pizza to share, you can bet I’m going to tell myself that, since this is a special occasion, I’ll eat some salad and enjoy just one slice of pizza.

I know that on Sundays I like to tidy up and start the week with a clean house, but if the Super Bowl is on, that doesn’t happen very often, so my house can stay a mess.

Do you see my point? We’ll all tell ourselves that our actions aren’t so bad if there is something “special” on the other side of that. 

It is the exact same deal for infidelity.

Men will tell themselves that there is something special either about the period of time or about the woman to justify the affair.

They often do not do this consciously.

So if you call him on it, he is going to deny it.

But he will often tell himself that:

• there is no time like the present because he’s not getting any younger.
• there is just something about the other woman, or
• there is just something about the relationship.

That doesn’t mean that these things are true, or that he will believe this in two weeks from now.

It just means that he may have told himself this AT THE TIME.

Consider the Length of the Relationship: I’m going to be honest and tell you that, since I have dealt with this myself, I usually see things from the perspective of the faithful spouse.

Still, I will try to be objective here. 

 I have seen affairs that last for decades, and I suppose that I would have to admit that in these cases, the couple may well feel something like the love that you have after you’ve been in a long-term relationship.

Generally speaking, if there were no positive, lasting aspects of the relationship, it would have survived for that long.

But in this case, we are talking about a very short period of time.

Your husband could have told himself that the sky was purple, but that doesn’t make it so.

And, in my mind, it was very unlikely that one is going to develop real, long-standing feelings in that short of a period of time.

These two people just cannot know one another in the deep way that comes from being in a romantic relationship – through good times and through bad – for a long period of time. 

She can’t have what you have in this case – there just wasn’t enough time.

Consider the Context: Along those same lines, people in affairs are not worried about the car line, the laundry, and the bills.

So if your husband walked out the door tomorrow to go and be with this other woman, statistics tell us that the chances are very good that this relationship would burn itself out the closer to act real-life that it gets.

In other words, as time passes, the fantasy ends and reality comes to light.

I understand why you are worried about it. But think about this way:

He ended it. Yes, he may have facial expressions and behaviors that you can’t quite figure out.  

But he is there with you. If things had been so wonderful, and there’d been so much affection, would he be willing to sit there with you?

If she were so great, wouldn’t he move heaven and earth to be there with her instead?

I know that sometimes your thoughts become pessimistic and full of doubt, but hang in there and remember all that YOU have to offer. If it helps, you can read about how I navigated this myself at https://surviving-the-affair.com 

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By: Katie Lersch: One of the most fleeting things after the discovery of an affair is intimacy. And I’m not talking about physical intimacy. Because one could understand why physical intimacy would be difficult. 

No, I’m talking about emotional intimacy – feeling somewhat close to your spouse, even if you’re angry with him. With emotional intimacy, you know that you are on the same team, even if things are rough right now. That’s often gone missing after an affair. 

A wife might say, “My husband seemed to have genuine remorse after I caught him cheating. And this was the first time I’ve caught him doing something so awful. So I really was going to give him the benefit of the doubt. And then I just felt like it wasn’t completely over. So I confronted him about this, and he admitted that he’d been ‘talking only’ to the other woman. He stressed that they would never see one another again. I told him that talking was also off-limits, and he got very sulky about this. But eventually, he gave in. I thought that once he didn’t have her in his life anymore, he would begin to come around, and our lives would start to feel normal again. But I was wrong. He’s still incredibly distant. In fact, he’s almost mean to me as if I am the one who did something wrong. Or that I am the one who was caught. Why is he acting like this? And what can I do to stop it?”

I know that this behavior is frustrating. And I definitely have some theories about why he is doing this. Once I go over some of the theories, I’ll suggest what you might try to stop it.

He’s Frustrated with Himself: Many wives in this situation assume that their husband is angry with them. But the most likely source of his anger is himself. He knows that he messed up.

And now he knows that he’s got a long road ahead of him to rebuild your trust. Almost no one would welcome this situation. And worse, he knows that it is all his fault. So yes, he may be a bit salty about the hole he’s dug for himself.

He’s Annoyed that the Affair Didn’t Reach a Natural End: I have dialogued with many men who’ve had affairs (including my own spouse.) Most of them will tell you very sincerely that they planned to end the affair.

They’ll claim that they didn’t need for their wives to give them an ultimatum or to offer up threats. They were going to end this all on their own (or so they think.) So when they get into a situation where you’ve forced their hand, they can resent it. 

He Doesn’t Welcome the Scrutiny: Most people know that they deserve the distrust that they’re getting after an affair. They know that if the roles were reversed, they would be watching you just as closely as you are watching them.

Still, it doesn’t make the situation feel any better. No one wants to feel like the wrong-doer all of the time. But that is the situation that he has created for himself. 

He’s Embarrassed and Ashamed: Although this one is sort of self-explanatory, try to think of this from your husband’s point of view. He’s been caught committing the worst infraction of his marriage. So now you know all about his dirty deeds and, even worse, you are watching closely for him to do something else.

Not only that, but the other woman is going to figure out that he’s being kept on a short leash. She’s going to know that his wife is the boss in this since he’s doing what the boss says. For many men, that’s quite embarrassing and emasculating.

He Doesn’t Want to be in a Position of Groveling: Many husbands keep their distance after an affair because they know that if they get close to you, you’re going to have certain expectations of them. In other words, they’re now the second-class citizen in this marriage, and they are expected to act as such. Although many husbands accept that they deserve this, it doesn’t mean that they like it. So they distance themselves, thinking that it will limit the fallout.

What You Can Do About It: What you can do about this is tricky because there is really no way to convince your husband that you will be respectful towards him other than to just try to act that way.

At the same time, it’s often an unfortunate fact that he deserves some of the treatment that he is getting. To pretend he doesn’t serves no one. You’ll need to have some potentially uncomfortable conversations so you can figure out what went wrong and you can fix it.

Skipping over that process may prolong your healing. You can’t pretend that you’re not disappointed with and frustrated. That wouldn’t be fair.

Unfortunately, you both may have to accept that this process just takes time. 

Try to Consider His Behavior Now: When he allows himself to be vulnerable and tries to get close to you, try not to punish him. Acknowledge his vulnerability if you can. Try to put yourself in his shoes if it’s at all possible. 

I know you likely wouldn’t cheat. But what if you found yourself being repeatedly scrutinized and even rejected? How would it feel? Not very good, right?

As a result, would you want to distance yourself from the situation that made you feel that way? Of course you would.

I’m not saying that you need to suddenly be nice to your spouse or to welcome him with open arms. You are under no obligation to rush the healing process.

I’m suggesting that you try to treat each other with dignity and respect. You may need to give each other some time.

It helps to know that when you begin to heal, he’ll often stop being so distant. When he knows that it is safer to try to get close to you, then you may see that distance gap begin to close.  

Again though, don’t feel pressured to act in a way that feels rushed or forced. Know that this is a process, and it is sometimes going to be uncomfortable for both of you until you make a little more progress.

With patience and determination, progress usually comes. And when it does, the distance should begin to wane. 

Don’t give up. And don’t give into frustration.  With a little patience and determination, you can overcome this.  You can read about how I did that at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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