Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Husbands and wives rarely agree about consequences after an affair. The faithful spouse generally wants appropriate, swift, and lasting consequences, while the cheating spouse wants to express their regret, make things right, and then move on with picking up the pieces of their life.

But here’s the problem. Recovery isn’t always linear. And it doesn’t happen on anyone’s timeline. It doesn’t happen because it’s convenient, either. Sometimes you feel like you’re making progress, and the next day, you move several steps back. And this is actually normal and not your fault.

Many faithful wives are frustrated when it seems as if their cheating husband is rushing them to completely put the affair behind them when they aren’t anywhere near ready to do that.

One might explain, “There’s no denying it. My husband cheated egregiously. He showed himself to be a liar and a manipulator. He showed no real regard for my well-being or for our family. And now he thinks that he can just go to a few counseling sessions and move on. I’m not ready to do that. I still don’t feel that things are normal, and I don’t know when I’m going to feel that way. I still require his regret and his rehabilitation, but he seems to think he’s already done that, and he doesn’t have to keep doing it. I’ll ask him questions about the affair, and he’ll tell me he’s already answered them. Maybe he has in some cases, but I ask again because I’m still unsatisfied with the answer. He needn’t think he can just wrong me this way and I’m going to have to drop it. But that is what he’s posturing about. He says he doesn’t know how long he can go on living in a world where he’s always the bad guy, and everything he does is wrong. The thing is, he is the bad guy in this story. I am certainly not, but he’s trying to make it seem like I am unreasonable in some way. I don’t know many wives who would be willing to just let it go like this. I do believe the affair is over, but I don’t believe recovery is.”

I am a wife who dealt with this, and I did eventually let it go – mostly. But not before I healed properly. And I am sure that healing took longer than my husband anticipated or wanted. But I made it clear to him early on what I would need, and I didn’t want to compromise – although I ultimately did, at least a little. I’ll share some things that helped me below.

The Difference Between Rehabilitation and Revenge:  If I’m being honest, there were times when I was absolutely hateful to my husband after his affair. I had no interest in trying to be cordial to him. And even as we were in recovery and he was doing basically everything I asked, I still punished him with my words and my coldness. In every way I could, I let him know that he was on thin ice with me. I let him know that I didn’t truly consider him my equal partner.

Yes, he deserved it. But no one is going to live like that indefinitely. Once you’ve had the time to truly heal and rehabilitate, you likely want to approach the situation with the spirit of cooperation and respect. If you can’t do that, then you probably still have some healing to do, and that is perfectly okay. In my experience, healing is something that you cannot rush.

Making Sure You Have the Most Effective Methods of Healing:  I’m not going to tell you that there’s a right and a wrong way to heal. Or that there is a deadline for it. There isn’t. But over time, you should feel like you’re at least making a little progress. If you keep churning the same old problems the same old way over and over again with no dent in the resentment or anger, then it may be time to try something new or to ask yourself if some of your needs aren’t yet being met. Often, the cheating spouse will give pat responses thinking this is what we want to hear, but we really want his attention, sincerity, and honesty. When we don’t get that, we’re frustrated and we lash out. And then he pushes back. It’s a vicious cycle because we don’t identify what we still need.

Asking for What You Still Haven’t Gotten: Sometimes it helps to ask yourself what you still haven’t gotten. There are common things that slow this process down – not feeling he’s sincerely sorry or honest, not feeling that he understands how this affects you, not feeling that he’s making an effort to be trustworthy, and doubting his sincerity are landmines that many people get stuck in.  

But if you can identify them, then you can be honest with your husband and tell him where he’s still falling short. Sure, you may have to be careful how you say it, but sometimes, if you don’t say it, then you’re still going to come up against that issue, again and again, frustrating you both.

So if his answers still frustrate you as was described above, you might try something like, “I don’t mean to harp on it. I know that we’re both tired of going around and around, and I want to move on as much as you do. But if I don’t provide the answers that I need, I can’t. Please don’t answer me, in the same way this time. Let’s start to turn the corner. I know that we both have to give some, and I want to, but I also need answers.”

Sometimes if you explain it to him this way, he will have a little more patience. He’s dealing with fear too – fear that this is his lot in life, and it’s never going to change. Fear that you aren’t ever going to see him in the same way again and are always going to punish him so that the two of you can’t be happy or live in peace. As I alluded to, I did let go of the fallout eventually.  But I made sure I had what I needed first.  You can read more at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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