Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: It’s not unusual to have to endure a change in living arrangements after the discovery of a marital affair – at least temporarily. Often, emotions and anger run very high, and it’s just not healthy for the couple to be in close quarters during the aftermath of discovery. Sometimes, this is a way to allow things to calm down before someone says or does something that they will regret. Some spouses go and stay with family and friends for a night or two, without any real intention of making the new living arrangements permanent.

Most commonly, the spouse who cheated is the one to leave. But, there can be exceptions. Some wives are shocked and absolutely furious when their cheating spouse suggests that they should leave the home. Needless to say, this suggestion only adds to the pain and anger of these wives. And they find themselves asking why they should leave when they aren’t the one who cheated.

Here’s an example. A husband may become quite defensive at his wife’s anger and suggest that she leave the home until she can communicate without such bitterness. A wife might explain, “I’m not going to pretend that I’m being anything but hateful to my husband after his affair. But he deserves my wrath. He lied and has been cheating with a deplorable woman who isn’t even fit to interact with us, much less to insert herself into our lives. I have never been betrayed in this way. And he has lied to my face and to my children’s face. So yes, I am furious at him. And he acts as if I have no right to my anger. He told me if being under the same roof is so offensive to me, I should leave. He said he can’t make any promises to me about our marriage anyway, so I should just pack my bags and go. To be clear, I don’t want to leave my home – and not necessarily because I want to live with him. I have no idea how I feel about this. But I feel that he should be the one to leave. He is the one who cheated. It is unfair for my kids and myself to uproot because of his mistakes. Granted, he owned this house when we married. But I have helped to make payments on it for years. In fact, I make more money than he does, so I pay more toward the mortgage than him. I think that he should go.”

Why He May Be Taking This Stance: I tend to agree with you, but my opinion doesn’t really help you right now. My husband was gracious enough to be one to leave because he was the one who cheated. And he was astute enough to realize that he needed to make my life easier if he had any chance of remaining in my life.

But, not all men take this cooperative stance, not by a long shot. Some will posture by trying to play hardball. They hope that by taking this harsh stance, you will have to back away from your anger in order to get any peaceful interaction with them.

Formulating A Reply: It is really up to you as to whether you intend to back off some or stand your ground. And no one can make that decision for you. If you are at all interested in maintaining your marriage or keeping some sort of united front with your children, then you will eventually need to be able to communicate with him. However, it is understandable that this just isn’t possible right now.

I can’t offer any information about the legalities of who has what type of rights to the home. I think that it is better to try to work it out amongst yourself anyway if this is possible.

A suggestion might be a response something like, “I agree that it is difficult to be in close proximity right now. But I disagree that I should be the one to leave. Do you really want your kids to be put out of their home because of something you did? If you do not want to leave, then we can either agree to take a few days without interacting with each other by staying in separate parts of the house, or we can both go to separate hotels so that we both leave for a few days. I also agree that we are in no position to foretell the future right now. Neither of us knows how we are going to feel or what we will want two weeks from now. It is probably best to take some time to allow things to calm down. Me having to take the kids and leave my home only makes this process worse. I am willing to keep my distance. But I am not willing to leave. Can we agree to terms that will work for us both? I’m not asking for anything other than an agreement about living arrangements in the coming days. But I don’t think it’s fair to basically kick the kids out of the house because of their parents’ marital issues.”

I can’t make any predictions or promises, but I feel like most reasonable people will agree to this. It is unfair to ask you to take on a compromised position because he cheated. And I hate to say that the strategy you take early on will be the one that you are always going to be stuck with, because this isn’t necessarily true. But if you allow him to call the shots this early, you may be playing catch up in the future.

Eventually, the goal down the road is to be somewhat cordial, no matter what happens with your marriage. You don’t want to have to carry this bitterness with you for the rest of your life. But for today, you certainly have a right to have a conversation about having to leave your home.

I promise it can get better. Life in our home was very explosive following the discovery of the affair. However, gradually, and over time, we were able to rebuild. It took determination and much patience, but we did it. You’re welcome to read about how we recovered at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Picking up the pieces after infidelity is difficult, no matter the circumstances. However, when you have a spouse who is showing no remorse or regret for his actions, it is arguably much more difficult to move forward. After all, there are many obstacles that couples must overcome – restoring the trust, maintaining a level of commitment, and forging a new sense of determination and confidence. All of these are going to be nearly impossible if your spouse doesn’t exhibit desirable – and necessary – signs of responsibility.

A wife might say, “I am sorry to say that my husband has not exhibited any signs of shame, empathy, or remorse for his affair. And that is deplorable. Having an affair is a horrible act, but, even worse, my husband cheated with a woman that I knew well and was somewhat close with. They both betrayed my trust. And my husband took advantage of my trust in both of them to carry out his shameful behavior. Unfortunately, rather than seeing this act of betrayal for what it was, he’s somewhat nonchalant about it. His response to me is that he is certainly not the first man to cheat and that he will not be the last. The only real thing that I can get him to concede to is that he is sorry that he hurt me. But he will not say that he is sorry that he did it. And when I’ve told mutual friends about it, he just sort of shrugs his shoulders, as if he doesn’t care who knows. He’s not particularly embarrassed or ashamed. When I get upset, he doesn’t act as if it affects him in the least. He’s very matter-of-fact about it. His attitude makes me very angry, but I’m also very worried. It seems to me as if our marriage doesn’t stand a chance. What does his attitude indicate?”

This is only my opinion, but it most definitely indicates that there is a lot more work that needs to be done before you are set on the path the healing. Here is why.

The Fall Out From A Husband’s Lack Of An Appropriate Response After An Affair: It may already be fairly obvious, but a man who won’t take responsibility and indicate remorse for his actions is a man who is refusing to meet you halfway on a problem that is entirely of his own making.

Understandably, you are angry, distrustful, and in pain. Part of beginning to pivot from these feelings is seeing that he is willing to take you by the hand and walk with you on the path toward recovery. To be clear, this is not an easy path.

Even with a completely remorseful and apologetic spouse, you can still be plagued with doubts and fears. You will need patience as you work through each obstacle one by one. This requires diligence, determination, and patience. But the path is even harder when you have a spouse that isn’t willing to walk with you or reassure you when you hit roadblocks. It can feel as if you’re completely alone and being asked to just blindly trust when he isn’t even willing to step up. You are not being unreasonable to want to see these behaviors before you put any trust in him.

Also very importantly, a man who doesn’t feel guilt, shame, and remorse is going to be more likely to repeat the behavior. If he doesn’t feel the pain or consequences of his actions, what is to keep him from doing it again?

Things To Try To Ellicit More Remorse, Empathy, Guilt, And Shame From A Cheating Husband: Sometimes, husbands actually do feel some shame and remorse, but they don’t freely show it because they don’t want to appear vulnerable and they are afraid that you will pile on if they show any signs of “weakness.”

Sometimes they act this way as a sort of preemptive measure. They take a hard line so that you don’t expect too much from them.

It is up to you to communicate that this stance isn’t going to be acceptable to you. The next time he makes a flippant statement that diminishes his actions, you might try to a response like, “it’s very upsetting to hear you say this. I don’t see how we can move forward until you take more responsibility for the fallout of your actions. You showed no respect for our marriage vows or empathy for me. I’m not saying that it is impossible for us to recover, but it’s going to be very difficult if you won’t even acknowledge the disastrous decisions that you have made and you deny any guilt or remorse. Ideally, I would like to one day trust you again. But when you refuse to acknowledge the pain you have caused, trust is hard to come by. I can’t go all-in in the healing process until I see these behaviors. How and when we move forward has got to be up to you.”

He may not give you the desired reaction immediately, but as he begins to see that he is not going to enjoy all of the benefits of a loving, reciprocal marriage, he may change his tune. And when he sees that you are going to demand more from him, he may realize that he will need to drop his damaging stance.

I can tell you with certainty that it is important to ask for what you want and for what you deserve. Unless you ask for it, you may not get it. And you deserve to fully heal. None of this was your fault. I can also tell you that this is a hard road that you should not have to take alone. And it is not too much to ask for the person who is at fault – your husband – to step up and acknowledge the mistake he has made and his responsibility for helping to make it right.

Make sure he understands that you expect it and will wait until you get it. As I alluded to, I too had to prioritize my healing.  And I had to be very clear about what I needed from my husband.  You are welcome to read about our recovery at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Common sense tells you that you may have a hard time trusting in your husband after you catch him cheating or having an affair. After all, his behavior has proven that, in the right circumstances, he will lie to and betray you. But you may not have anticipated just how bad this lack of trust can get. Many wives admit that they quickly become paranoid.

A wife may have a situation like this one: “I am still trying to recover from the shock of my husband cheating on me. I never would have expected this. I know from going through all of their correspondence that the other woman pursued him. And, although he is doing what I’ve asked and we are trying to heal, I am now always paranoid that another woman will pursue him, and then we will have to repeat this pattern once again. I can not go through this again. So now I have become suspicious of every woman who glances his way. Ironically, I used to take a certain amount of pride in the fact that women were drawn to my husband. He’s extremely charming. That is one of the things I love most about him. But now I wish that he wasn’t so charming. Every time he so much as glances at another woman or vice versa, I picture her contacting him, and then me having to find out about another affair, even though this is the first time I’ve caught him cheating. I assume the worst-case scenario, which I know is silly. But I can’t help it. And then I tend to get mad at my husband. I resent always having to feel so suspicious. And I don’t want to go through life always feeling like I can’t relax. Does this paranoia ever go away? It’s not like my husband is doing anything wrong. But it always feels as if we are one step away from another tragedy.”

These Are Normal But Tiresome Feelings: What you are feeling is absolutely normal. Unfortunately, many of us wives who have gone through infidelity see danger around every corner. This can be true even when our husband is complying with a rehabilitation plan.

That said, although the paranoia is normal, it feels awful. And it probably feels equally offensive to both you and your husband. Sometimes, it can be hard for husbands to understand that wives most definitely don’t want to feel this way, but they can’t help it. Below, I will offer some considerations that I hope will help.

Ask Yourself What Would Help You To Feel More Secure: The most obvious place to begin to address this is by honestly asking yourself what, realistically, would make you feel better. You can’t necessarily keep women from looking at your husband, but he should take care to make you feel more secure in his response.

To that end, take an honest look at how he might do this. Has he given you access to his phone and computer? Is he transparent about where he is and what he is doing? Has he been honest with you about how and why the affair happened? Has he been open about what is truly needed for complete rehabilitation and trust rebuilding?

If not, now is the time to speak up so that you can avoid preventable pain and doubt. A man who is sincere about taking responsibility for his actions and for making things right should be willing to comply with this.

Understand Why It’s Important To Be Observant But Not Overly Paranoid: No one can blame you for watching your husband very closely. However, there is a huge difference between being observant and clinging so tightly that your suspicions become a reality simply because you never allowed your marriage the space to heal.

As unfortunate as it is, many husbands in this situation can begin to feel as if they will never be able to do anything right in your eyes – no matter how hard they try. Needless to say, this can hurt your ability to rebuild your marriage. While you are feeling fearful and suspicious, he is feeling resentful and distrusted. This puts you on opposite sides, which doesn’t help your marriage any.

I am not saying that you should deny your feelings or pretend that everything is fine when it is not. I’m merely suggesting that you not always act on your worst instinct, which leads me to my next point.

Try To Find A Comfortable Point Of Compromise So That Your Marriage Has The Room To Recover: When I was in this situation, I eventually realized that, at some point, I was going to have to take a leap of faith. I’d made a commitment to try to make my marriage work because I wanted to save my family. I knew that we could not be successful if I was always lashing out and expecting my husband to cheat again, even though he was doing every single thing that I asked.

So I promised myself that I would not lash out at him or make unfounded accusations if he was not giving me a reason to do so. He had given me unlimited access to his communications. I knew where he was virtually at all times. (In fact, except for working hours, we were together.) I knew that my over-the-top suspicions were more a reflection of my pain and shock than his actions. But, that didn’t mean that I could help it.

Still, I made a deal with myself that I would take my husband at face value until he gave me a reason not to do so. Did that mean I stopped watching him closely? Of course not. But it did mean that I was no longer making accusations or assumptions that only frustrated us both.

Give It Effort And Time: Honestly, this entire process from discovery to recovery just takes some time. For the most part, unless I’m having a very bad day, I don’t have these types of suspicions anymore. Enough time has passed that I know that we’ve come out stronger and I know that our marriage is solid.

But there was no way to fast forward to this point. It took hard work, and it took time.

You can help yourself by asking your husband for exactly what you need to feel secure. And then, as long as he is doing what is asked, give him a little room before you make accusations. Then, do the work and give it some time. Once you do, you will hopefully look back on this and see it as one challenge that you were able to overcome. If it helps, you can read about our sometimes rocky road on the path to recovery at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who can’t get their husbands to be honest about his affair.   Sometimes, the husband has admitted to cheating but he’s trying to diminish or downplay the severity of it.  Other times, the husband is flat out denying he had an affair even though the wife knows that he did or has evidence to prove it.  This can be beyond frustrating for the wives who know part of the truth but who are demanding the whole story.  Because they need for their husbands to just be honest, to have some integrity, and to just tell the complete truth.

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “my husband admitted to cheating with a coworker, but I have recently learned that it was much more than cheating.  It was an affair.  The other woman and I have spoken at length about this and they were cheating for about four months.  And, according to her, my husband seemed to be pretty serious about her and about their relationship.  Not only that, but I’ve found hotel receipts and cell phone records which indicate that this was an ongoing thing. And yet, when I try to talk to my husband about the affair, he insists that it was only a short term fling, that it didn’t mean anything, and that I just need to let it go and move on.  Frankly, I can’t and won’t do any of these things until he starts being honest with me.  Why can’t he just be honest?  Is there anything that I can do to make him tell me the whole truth?”  I will try to address these concerns in the following article.

There Are Many Reasons That Husbands Aren’t Honest About The Affair.  Here’s A Few: As maddening as this situation is, it really isn’t all that uncommon.   Men are often either dishonest or elusive about their affair because they know that if they tell you the whole truth, then you are going to be more angry, will have more questions, and will experience more pain.

I would say that the biggest reasons that men who visit my blog give me for being elusive or dishonest about the affair is that they know if you have all of the facts, you are going to have even more questions to which you are going to demand more answers.   They know that what they have to tell you is only going to make you angry and, frankly, is going to make things worse and delay you’re getting over this and moving on.

What they don’t realize though is that most women aren’t just going to give up on their need for the truth.  The husband’s refusing to be honest only makes you want to know that much more.   Often, their refusal to just show some truthfulness and integrity is what actually makes their situation worse – not their silence.  Because many wives will assume the worst anyway.

Another reasons that men are often dishonest is because they are simply ashamed.  Now that they are caught, they often play back the series of events in their minds and they’re often are quite embarrassed and ashamed at how they have acted.  So, they want to move past this embarrassment and push it down as much as they possibly can.  But, if they share this information with you, they suspect that you are going to keep bringing it up, are going to keep demanding answers, and these two things mean that they’ll have to deal with their embarrassment and shame for much longer.

Finally, sometimes they think that their dishonesty is actually protecting you.  Sometimes, they worry about what will happen if you know about or try to confront the other woman.  Or they know that your digging deeper is going to cause you more pain. So they figure if they can force you into just stopping with all of the questions, your healing and your escape from pain will happen more quickly.

Is There Any Way To Make Your Husband Be Honest About His Affair?: Well, as I see it, there are a few options here.   You can either try to collect and confront him with proof (which obviously can cause more conflict.) Or, you can try to convince him that it’s in his own best interest to tell you the truth (and is also the right thing to do.) Another option is to insist that you can and will obtain information on your own whether he likes it or not .

So which strategy do I think is better?  Well, that depends on how you want to proceed with your marriage.  If you think there’s a possibility of saving your marriage, then you are much better off trying to get his cooperation.  If you are going to end your marriage anyway, then there’s really no need to continue to dialog with him when you likely don’t trust his response anyway.

But if you think that somewhere down the line your marriage might just stand a sliver of a chance, then it’s best to try to convince him that he really does want and need to show some honestly and he wants to demonstrate his integrity.

How To Convince Your Husband That He Should Tell You The Truth About His Affair: Although I know that it’s very tempting to have a very strong reaction and to demand answers in a very forceful or threatening way, doing so often won’t get you the answers that you want.  So, as challenging as it may be, it’s often to your benefit to convince him that he really does want to work with you.  So, I suggested that the next time this husband began making his denials that that the wife knew just aren’t true, she might consider saying something like: “listen, we both know that you’re not being completely honest right now.  It’s obvious that you’re either reluctant, scared, or unwilling to tell me the truth.  The thing is, I’m very determined to find out the entire truth.  I am going to get answers, but I would much rather get them from you.  I would much rather hear difficult things from you than from a stranger or from digging on my own.  I know that what you tell me might be difficult for me to hear or might even temporarily make things worse.  But I can not stress enough that I need to hear it anyway.  And I need to hear it from you. In order for me to start to heal, I need to know that you cared enough to be completely honest with me.  Are you willing to do that?”

This approach doesn’t always get the exact result that you want immediately or at first.  But if you keep at it with a calm attitude and focused determination, many men will realize that there just isn’t another way – especially if they too want to save the marriage.

It took a while before my husband decided that he needed to tell me the complete truth. Eventually, I was able to convince him that this was something that had to happen in order for me to heal.  And I did eventually heal so well that our marriage survived and is in fact better than it ever was.  If it helps, you can read more of that story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: It can be a relief when your husband says the words you want to hear after you catch him cheating or having an affair. Despite your shock, pain, and anger, it can be reassuring to hear him say that he is sorry, that he will never cheat again, and that he will make this right. In this situation, he’s admittedly saying the correct words and phrases. He’s taking verbal responsibility and making promises for the future. But, when he’s saying everything that you could want to hear from him, why are you having a hard time believing it? And how can you possibly know if you can trust him again?

Here is what I might hear from one of these wives: “Many of my friends say that I am actually lucky that my husband had the ‘correct’ reaction after I caught him cheating on me. He never denied it. He showed remorse right away. He immediately asked me to forgive him. He said he would go to counseling. Then he asked for referrals, and he made the appointment. He has promised that he will do right by me moving forward. He never insinuated that I was crazy when I suspected him. He has never even hinted that any of this is my fault. So yes, I suppose he is saying everything right in this situation. And yet, when he’s saying his little speeches and reciting his eloquent words, I still have a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. He hasn’t asked me to just blindly trust him. And I know that he doesn’t expect that. But at some point, I’ll have to believe what he is telling me to be present in my marriage again. Won’t I? And how can I know that it is safe to do that?”

Yes, at some point, in order to have peace in your heart and confidence in your marriage, you will want to believe him. And to trust him. But as someone who has been through this before after my own husband’s infidelity, I can tell you that it is a process that takes both time and careful evaluation of not only his words, but his actions and behaviors also.

There’s Nothing Wrong With Acknowledging That His Words Are Desirable: I believe that it is human nature to meet a cheating spouse with skepticism, regardless of which words are coming out his mouth.

The reason for this is that the same mouth he is now using to make you all sorts of promises and reassurances is the mouth he used to tell you distorted truths and realities so that he could cheat. It is normal to wonder why on earth you should trust him now when you absolutely should not have trusted him then.

That said, many husbands in this situation are actually very indignant and definitely are NOT saying all the right things. Many husbands will try to shift some of the blame onto their faithful wives. Or they will try to downplay their behavior. Or they will pressure their wife into offering very fast (but unearned) forgiveness. Some of these husbands will say they’ll consider counseling but then not go. Or, if you ask them specifics about the affair, they will try to deflect you and not give you a direct answer or they will offer up excuses instead.

By no means am I trying to defend anyone’s husband, but having a husband that takes responsibility and offers reassurances and some sort of plan is certainly preferable to a husband who gives you empty or defensive words.

His Ongoing Behaviors And Actions Will Tell You More Of What You Need To Know: You are right to have some skepticism about what he is promising you. He has a vested interest in making you believe that you can trust him. But it is unfair of him to expect this immediately. You have every right to watch and wait. You SHOULD watch and wait.

In the upcoming days and weeks, his behaviors should match his words. In other words, he should not be promising to make this right and then falling short of the things that will make you feel secure, like being transparent about his whereabouts and activities. A man who is truly trustworthy and sincere will show you, not tell you.

He will let you see his communications, his phone, and his social media. He will come right home and he will spend his spare time with you or in your presence while you are trying to heal.

And yes, this type of scrutiny can get old. But despite this, a sincere husband continues to have patience and do as you have asked of him because he realizes that his own actions have made all this necessary.

When he willingly does all of this – day after day and week after week – many wives will begin to feel a bit safer to trust. When he patiently answers all your questions with honesty and humility, you can begin to feel a bit more confident. When he reassures you when you need it, and doesn’t pressure you to rush the process, his sincerity looks a bit more real.

Look For Repeated Patterns Of Behaviors In Combination With The Words: Hopefully, you see where I am going with this. You are looking for a pattern of repetitive behaviors that leaves no doubt that his actions are going to match his words. A man who is sincere about and still invested in his marriage will act very differently from a husband who just wants to allow the dust to settle so he can go back to his undesirable behaviors.

People can and will say anything when their backs are against the wall. That doesn’t mean that they aren’t telling the truth. But in order to be sure, you’ll need to watch and evaluate as you go.

This doesn’t mean that you can’t act “as if” he’s sincere if this is what you want to do. I usually did give my husband the benefit of the doubt unless and until he gave me a reason not to. I always acted in good faith so long as he acted that way with me. This didn’t mean that I wasn’t doubtful or angry. It just meant that I proceeded with caution for the sake of my kids. My husband always knew that I could (and would) bow out with if his behavior made this necessary.

Thankfully, my husband did make good on his promises. You are welcome to read about our recovery at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who are so frustrated by their husband’s “confusion” after he has been caught cheating or having an affair. Often, the wives expect or hope that he is going to apologize profusely and immediately begin to attempt to make amends. But this isn’t always what happens. Sometimes, the husband doesn’t act because he isn’t sure what he wants in terms of his feelings or his wishes.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband admitted to me that he has been cheating and having an affair with my daughter’s gymnastics coach. Since I really had no suspicions and he had no reason to tell me, I expected that this  meant that he would immediately break it off and make every attempt to save our marriage. Instead, he is telling me that he doesn’t know if he’s going to end his relationship with her. When I ask him if this means our marriage is over, he says he doesn’t know. He insists that he is “so confused” because he has feelings for both of us. He claims that while he ultimately wants to save our marriage, he is not sure if he is ready to let her go because he has genuine feelings for her too. That’s just wonderful for him, but where does it leave me? Do I have to just sit around and wait for him to decide who or what he wants? Am I just supposed to patiently wait for his confusion to fade?  And what is there to be confused about? He made wedding vows to me, not her.” I will try to address these concerns in the following article.

A Man’s Confusion Is Often At Its Highest Right After The Affair, But It Will Eventually Wane Once He Walks Away For Good. The Longer The Affair Continues, The More Confusion There Is: I can’t tell how often men attempt to play the confusion card. And quite often, they aren’t completely lying to you. They do feel confused. Because the truth is, if they wanted to end their marriage or they wanted you out of their life, they would have divorced you while they were cheating or before they started being unfaithful. They cheat in secret because they want both relationships. They usually don’t have any intention of ending their marriage, especially in the beginning. But usually the other woman begins applying the pressure to make their relationship more official and lasting. And the intensity of the deception can be mistaken for intense and real feelings. So many men are genuinely confused because they have two women to whom they feel responsible and for whom they have feelings.

But here’s something that they usually do not understand. The more they continue to see or contact this other woman, the longer they are going to be confused. As soon as they truly end it and focus their attention on their wife and their marriage, whatever feelings they think they may have had will usually become clear for what they really are – part of an unrealistic fantasy. He has to convince himself that he feels very strong and real feelings for her. Because if he didn’t, how stupid would he be to risk his marriage for someone he didn’t really know or feel anything for? He may not believe that his feelings will change. But they will. If he is not seeing her and giving the relationship any momentum to keep it going, it will die a natural death.

How To Handle It When Your Husband Is Confused After Cheating Or Having An Affair: Many wives are tempted to offer ultimatums and tell the husband that he must decide between her and the other woman immediately. This is a very tempting ultimatum. But the risk with this is that he will either chose her or he will chose you and be resentful because of it. Or he will mope around thinking that he misses her. Some women will become fed up and tell the husband that the other woman can have him. Some of these women later regret acting so hastily.

To me, the best compromise is to tell your husband that you are willing to work with him after he makes a decision as to who or what he wants, but until then you can’t participate in a marriage that includes three people. When you back off from your marriage, this will often give him an incentive to make the right decision. He may wavier a little bit initially, but once he decides, you will both know that he made his own decision alone without any pressure from you.

You should also know that many men will lose their feelings for the other woman as time goes on. Because now they you know about the affair, that exciting level of secrecy because of a forbidden relationship is gone. So a very important component of their relationship has been taken away. This is sometimes the beginning of the end and it helps the true nature of the relationship to become more clear – that he risked everything for someone who was essentially little more than a stranger.

Once this happens, you will likely find his confusion beginning to wane.  I have to admit that it was me who had most of the confusion in my own marriage.  I just didn’t know if I wanted to put in all the work to rehabilitate a man and a marriage that had been so damaged by infidelity.  In the end, I couldn’t walk away and now I am glad for that because our marriage is actually stronger.  If it helps you can read the whole emotional story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Believe it or not, some of the visitors to this blog are cheating spouses. Yes, I write from the perspective of the faithful spouse. But I’ve had cheating spouses tell me that some of my articles help provide them with perspective, as well as guidance on how to move forward. Sometimes, I hear from them, and one common complaint is that, although the faithful spouse is understandably hurt and angry, they have turned this hate and anger into very harsh treatment.

Someone might say, “My husband has every right to be angry at me for cheating. I have never been so sorry for anything in my entire life. I am at fault here. I admit it, and I take full responsibility for it. I understand that he might pull away from me and withhold affection as a result. I would even understand if he wanted to divorce me -although that isn’t what I want. But he hasn’t pursued a divorce or even a separation. Instead, he continues to live here but he punishes me by treating me terribly. Most of the time, he pretends that I am not even here. He will walk into a room and not even acknowledge me. He will plan an outing with the kids and he will not include me. When they ask why I’m not coming along, he will tell them that I feel unwell, even when this isn’t true. He told some of our mutual friends about the affair and many of them have told me that they don’t want to be friends anymore. I think that some of our neighbors know because they are looking at me funny now. I want my marriage back, so I feel like I just have to take this treatment. But will this last forever? Because I don’t want to live this way for the rest of my life. Before the affair, my husband treated me well. He did not deserve for me to cheat on him. However, his behavior now is not like him at all, which makes this hurt that much more.”

I know that it probably doesn’t make you feel any better, but this type of behavior is very common. I have to admit that I participated in it at times myself after my own husband’s affair. I like to think that I never took it to extremes, but my husband asked me more than once if he was sentenced to a lifetime of hateful, harsh treatment.

Understand Where The Behavior Is Coming From: I can only say that, at the time, I wanted him to feel the pain that I was feeling. I wanted him to feel the full consequences of his actions. When he was carrying out his cheating, he lied. He secretly went behind my back and betrayed me. Therefore, he certainly had not treated me how he always had. So I was not going to treat him how I always had, either. Thankfully, this did not last forever, or even for that long. Things changed as we began to heal.

Sometimes, Patience Matters: Many spouses in this situation tell me that they worry that their spouse will think that they are wimpy or weak if they don’t stand up for themselves or they just take this terrible treatment. I would never encourage anyone to endure abusive behavior. If it rises to this level, then you should not accept that. But, in my case, it was not abusive. It was just my anger driving my behavior. And my husband patiently took it because he knew that I would have never acted this way if he hadn’t cheated. And I believe that he knew that as we gradually worked on our relationship and went to counseling, this behavior would begin to fade, which it did.

I took note of his patience and it mattered to me. Over time, I had to admit that my husband hung in there and did everything that I asked. As a result, I began to feel guilty and remorseful about how I had treated him, and I began to drastically back off of my punishing behavior.

That didn’t mean that I wasn’t still angry or that I was in any way loving toward him. But I did begin to treat him with basic respect and courtesy. I began to realize that we would both need to abide by some basic ground rules if we wanted to make any progress. Those ground rules included complete transparency from him and an open mind from me.

The Anger Can Fade Once The Healing Starts: As my husband and I began to try to heal our marriage, I began to have a little bit of faith that we might actually come out on the other side of this. I saw him repeatedly come to the table despite my treatment. I saw him show up over and over again even though I’d rebuffed him. I saw him continue to be the loving, steady father he had always been.

Honestly, it was a relief when I began to let go of my anger. Being so angry and resentful all of the time was exhausting and soul-crushing. I WANTED to stop being angry. Your spouse may feel the same way, but people often are not willing to drop their anger until they feel safe to do so.

How To Show Your Spouse That It Is Safe To Drop Their Anger: It sounds like you have made a good start by taking responsibility for the affair. Another thing that you can do is to offer to go to counseling or to ask your spouse what he needs to begin to heal. The next time he lashes out, you might try something like, “I can hear your anger. And you have every right to be angry. But I know that we are both hurting and that neither of us wants to live this way forever. Please think about what you would need from me to move forward. I am willing to give you whatever you need. I am willing to do whatever it takes. Just tell me what I can do and I will do it. And I would ask that in return, you try to keep an open mind about me.”

Hopefully, your spouse will do exactly what. Then, make good on your promises. Show up. Do the work. As your spouse sees your willingness to do what is necessary to earn his trust back and restore your marriage, the anger should begin to fade and the terrible treatment should also abate.

I know that it is no fun to be in your shoes right now. But honestly, it is no fun to be the faithful spouse, either. It is very painful to process this type of betrayal. The good news is that things can definitely get better and this usually does not last forever. As tempting as it is, do not engage with your spouse and make it worse. Your best bet is to deflect and to ask for what you can do to help your spouse.

Hang in there. I know that this is no fun.  But your marriage can recover, if that is what you want.  If it helps, you can read about our recovery at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many spouses suspect their spouse of cheating before they actually catch him. Sometimes, there are both subtle and not-so-subtle clues along the way. Sometimes, the cheating spouse is actually caught early on, but he finds a way to convincingly explain himself. So while he may have already been cheating, the faithful spouse may only believe that she caught him in a flirtation or inappropriate behavior rather than a full-blown affair. Understandably, she will usually give him a warning and proclaim that although she can forgive the mistake, she can’t and won’t forgive a full-blown affair. Of course, when she catches him in exactly that, she know is at a crossroads. Does she make good on her threats, or re-evaluate?

She might recount a scenario like this one: “I actually caught my husband cheating on me months ago. But I did not know it at the time. Well, looking back, I may have known it deep down in my heart. But I wanted to give my husband the benefit of the doubt. And I wanted to be wrong. I wanted to believe that my marriage was okay. I caught my husband exchanging inappropriate photos with another woman. When I confronted him, he didn’t try to explain it away. He admitted to inappropriate behavior and to making a mistake. He said he was just being stupid and blowing off steam and that it didn’t mean anything. He begged me to forgive him. I told him that I could forgive this mistake – because it is honestly the first one my has husband made.  He had been a great husband up to this point. But I warned him that if I ever caught him cheating, I would never forgive. I watched him very closely. And I did not see any odd behavior which would give me pause. But later – I did catch him cheating. And he had to admit that he had been cheating all along with the same woman he was exchanging the photos with. I kicked him out immediately. I was very clear that there would be no forgiveness with this. He made some noise about being given another chance, but he ultimately left. A few months have gone by. He calls to check on me regularly. I am still shocked and angry, but I find myself relieved when he checks in. I find that, despite myself, I miss him. He has tried to explain what happened with the affair, but honestly, I haven’t wanted to hear it. I am not sure what I want. But now I feel stuck or trapped in my threat about never forgiving an affair. And I am not sure that I should tell him about my mixed feelings. I don’t want to give him hope that I might forgive him. I don’t know if I can. But I’m also afraid that he will think that there is no hope for us and move on. Do I have to stand firm on my threat to never forgive an affair?”

It Is Reasonable To Change Your Mind As Your Feelings Evolve: This is only my opinion, but I don’t believe that you need to box yourself in on anything. And the reason is that I made the exact same threat that I would never forgive infidelity. And ultimately, I ended up not only forgiving my husband but reconciling with him.

It is very common for your feelings to change along this journey. Because of this, I promised myself that I wouldn’t make any rash decisions about my marriage. I do have kids to consider. So I wasn’t going to blow up their family until I was sure that there was no hope of saving the marriage. In the early days of finding out about the affair, it certainly felt like there was absolutely no hope. And my husband did stay with family for a while. I stressed that I had no idea what was going to happen with us and that I just needed for him to give me plenty of time.

We did try to work on our relationship and remain cordial because of our kids. Even if we divorced, I did not want to be enemies. I wanted to have a harmonious family no matter what. As we made progress with this, I did become more open-minded about trying to reconcile our marriage, but I never committed to anything.

Things began to gradually improve and we began spending more time together. As the improvements built upon themselves, we did begin to do specific marriage-building to see if we could make any real progress. But I never really said anything like, “Okay, I’ve decided that maybe I can forgive you.” I just continued to open myself up when it felt right to do so and my husband continued to move forward as I allowed.

I know that this process may seem frustratingly uncertain. But your feelings and perceptions are going to change as you gather more information and as you watch your husband’s behaviors and actions going forward. That is why I just don’t think that you can follow through on either promises or threats until you give yourself plenty of time.

You Can Usually Move Forward Without Needing To Make Any Announcement Or Decision About Forgiveness: Since your husband is willingly touching base and checking in on you, I don’t think there is any harm of continuing in this way and perhaps gradually moving to seeing each other in person if this feels right. You’ve said he’s willing to explain the affair. That is a good start. But he will also need to be willing to fully rehabilitate. This is hard work, but it can be worth it.

Again, I don’t think you need to make any announcement – either to your husband or to yourself – that you may be open to the idea of forgiveness in the future. You have the right to wait and see how things progress. It is up to your husband as to whether he wants to wait as you evaluate. But as it was he who had the affair and it is his responsibility to begin to make this right, he should be willing to wait if he is at all still invested in your marriage.

What It Really Takes To Truly Forgive. In my own experience, you can WANT to forgive. You can have the intention to forgive. You can even proclaim that you forgive him. But to really feel at peace with this decision as you make it and beyond, you have to see his rehabilitated behaviors over and over again. You have to repeatedly see trustworthy behavior and hear truthful explanations. And all of this is going to take time to unfold. That is why you have every right to wait and see.

As I alluded to, we had a hard road at times, but I did forgive and we did rehabilitate our marriage.  If it helps, you are welcome to read more at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: It’s very common to hear from wives who feel like a “loser” or a “failure” after their husband cheats or has an affair. Most of these wives intellectually understand that they are not the spouse who has failed or has fallen short. But their hears are not listening to their heads.

One might explain, “My husband cheated on me in a heinous way. I know the other woman very well. I actually like her. So it feels like a double betrayal. I am so angry and disappointed with my husband. But I am also mad at myself. I was just coasting along with my life with blinders on. How did I not see what was going on around me? I have not confided in any friends or family members. And I could really use the support. But I have this silly notion that his affair reflects badly on me. And eventually, my kids will find out about this. And this will cause them pain. In a sense, I feel as if I allowed to this happen. So, in a roundabout way, I am causing my kids pain. I feel like a huge failure even though I’m not the one who took the action. Why do I feel this way? And what can I do to stop it?”

Potential Reasons For Feeling Like A Failure After A Husband’s Affair: I believe that there are countless reasons that wives are tempted to take some responsibility for a husband’s infidelity. First of all, women tend to feel responsible for the behavior of every member of their immediate family who is living under their roof. Mothers feel guilty when their kids misbehave. Wives feel ashamed when their husband argues with a neighbor. Many women understandably want their family to perform as if they were standing right beside them. Unfortunately, this isn’t realistic. People have free will and must grapple with impulse control. As much as we’d like to have our family perform exactly was we’ve taught and want them to, they aren’t likely to do this.

You can always flip this thinking and ask yourself if it’s your husband or your kids’ fault if you drive over the speed limit when you are in a hurry. Obviously, your family had nothing to do with the decisions you made while driving. In the same way, you shouldn’t take responsibility for your husband’s actions.

Another reason that we feel responsible is that society sends the not-so-subtle message that it is a wife’s responsibility to “take care” of her husband or to ensure that he is happy. Without arguing the validity of this message, plenty of men have affairs on wives who DO take care of their husbands and who are very conscientious about their marriages and their husband’s happiness. Sometimes, you are doing everything right. And he cheats anyway. So you can not blame yourself for his actions.

Evaluating How Much Responsibility Is Fair And Appropriate: Assuming that you are not going to leave your husband immediately and are considering your part in the affair, I can tell you upfront that I don’t believe that an affair is ever the faithful spouse’s fault. Granted, this is just one person’s opinion. And I am admittedly biased. My husband cheated and although we recovered, the pain of that event does influence my thinking. That said, no matter how shaky your marriage was or how much your husband may claim to have been unhappy, he is the one who took the action to cheat. You weren’t there to influence him in any way. These were his actions and his choice.

If you posture that you feel like a failure, you are going to make it easier for him to duck out of his responsibility and accountability, both of which he needs to own.

Likewise, if you decide to try to save your marriage down the road, it can be helpful to evaluate any place where you could improve. I don’t encourage this because I think that you bear any responsibility for your husband’s actions. I don’t believe that for a second. But I know from experience that if you want to feel confident to trust your spouse again, you want to make your marriage as strong as it can possibly be. However, evaluating your behavior in your own marriage to strengthen it is very different than blaming yourself for your spouse’s behavior.

How To Stop Feeling Like A Failure: I would find one person to help build you up and challenge your thinking. That might be a counselor, a trusted friend, or a neutral family member. You want someone who will repeatedly tell you that you are, and have always been, a good wife and mother. You need to hear this message regularly until you start to believe it. You can also train yourself to question this negative thinking when you experience it. For example, if you begin to fret about being embarrassed if people find out about the affair, reassure yourself that it is your husband who should be embarrassed. (And it is up to you as to who you want to find out. Tell your husband to leave this decision up to you.)

When you feel like a failure, remember that it is your husband who failed. He is the one who performed the act of cheating. You did not. Even if your marriage wasn’t perfect, your husband could have taken another path. He could have talked to you before he cheated. He could have removed himself from the situation and returned home to his wife and children. He did neither.

So this failure is his to claim.

If and when you choose to work on your marriage, you can then determine ways where you can BOTH improve. This is not taking responsibility for the affair, but it is taking responsibility for the health of your marriage and your own happiness, both of which are important moving forward.

I know that this is a difficult time, but you can get through this and when you do, you will see that you most definitely were not a failure. If it helps, you can read about my own recovery after my husband’s affair at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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