Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

by: katie lersch:  It goes without saying that the ideal when you’re trying to save your marriage after infidelity or an affair is for the spouse who cheated to cut off all contact or ties with the other person.  It’s difficult enough to save your marriage when it’s only the two of you, but this becomes more difficult if the triangle is still in tact.  Sometimes though, contact with the other woman is unavoidable.   Sometimes she’s a neighbor, a friend, or a coworker.  I’ve even heard of her being an ex wife and the mother of the current husband’s children.

I recently heard from a wife whose husband had cheated with a colleague at work.  She said, in part “my husband still works with the woman he had an affair with.  He assures me that he will and can set boundaries and will avoid her as much as he can.  This makes me extremely uncomfortable.  I want him to quit his job.  He says that isn’t possible in this economy.  He says he’s worked years to get where he is and he’s not about to give that up because of my insecurities.  I don’t think our marriage stands a chance if I know that he has to see her every day.  This isn’t just my insecurity talking.  It’s just common sense.  I think that he is the one who cheated on me and now it’s his responsibility to break all ties so that he doesn’t see her any more.  Am I wrong?”

I didn’t think that the wife was wrong, but I also know that this is a very common issue.  Removing the other woman from the equation is the ideal.  And I believe that if this is possible, it should be pursued.  But there are some instances where it’s not possible.  However, this doesn’t mean that every effort shouldn’t be made to create as much as emotional and physical distance as is possible.  I will discuss this more in the following article.

It’s Best To Try To Create As Much Distance As Possible.  If Your Husband Can’t Create A Physical Distance Than He Should Create An Emotional One: I didn’t know enough about the couple’s financial or employment situation to have an opinion on how feasible it was for him to find another job.  If this wasn’t possible, then he could perhaps ask for a transfer or perhaps to work for the same company in a different department.  If none of the things were feasible, he could at least let the woman know that they would only be communicating on absolutely essential topics. And perhaps much of their communication could be done by email, text, or in ways that they didn’t need to be physically together.

The wife indicated that her husband was likely to balk at these suggestions.  The thing is, he needed to understand that her concerns were very much warranted.  Women whose husbands have cheated or had an affair spend a good deal of time thinking and worrying about the other woman –  especially at first.   (And men who are cheated on do this also.)  The healing process is difficult enough even when the faithful spouse is  confident that the other person is  out of the picture.   So hopefully the husband could understand how difficult this situation was for his wife.  And, once he understood this, he would hopefully work with her to determine what would make her more comfortable.

With that said, while I understand that this was certainly not an ideal situation, I do believe that it’s possible for your marriage to survive if your husband must have some contact with the other woman when this is a necessity and not his choice.  (The husband choosing to have contact with her when it’s not a necessity is an entirely different story and it indicates a lack of commitment and compassion on his part.)  The key really is for both of you to be very open, honest, and transparent.  The husband should go out of his way not to hide any issues about this with his wife and he should  be extremely clear to the other woman that their relationship consists of work related issues only. A very well defined and clear line must be drawn so that every one understands and respects that the marriage takes first priority.  If there’s any good news about this, it’s that if this couple’s marriage was able to remain intact and recover after this situation, then they truly should be able to get through anything.

Tips For When Your Husband Has To Have Some Contact With The Other Woman Who He Cheated Or Had An Affair With: Eventually, the wife accepted that that her husband wasn’t going to leave his job immediately.  So she had a choice to make.  She had to decide if she was going to go ahead and try to save her marriage anyway or walk away because of her own doubts.  She decided that she didn’t want to walk away but she was very doubtful and uncomfortable.  This was understandable, but sometimes, if you want to give yourself the best chance for success, you have to keep moving forward regardless of your doubts.

The more you are able to rebuild your marriage and your confidence in it, the less you will worry about her.  I know that it’s difficult to put her out of your mind, but you must pay attention to yourself and to your marriage before you dwell on her.  Encourage your husband to be open and honest with you and, once he has, try not to continue to pepper him with questions unless he gives you a reason to do so.  Some of us are very guilty bringing our husband’s attention to what we fear the most.  Sometimes, we put a continuous voice to our doubts.   One woman admitted to me that every day her husband got home from work, she wanted a detailed description of every encounter (if any) with the woman he cheated with.  While this is understandable, when you do this, you are continuously drawing your husband’s attention back to her and you put your insecurities on full display.

You want to try to  insist that he limit his contact with her, but you want to avoid  constantly harping on the issue and making yourself feel worse.  At the end of the day, your real goal is to heal your marriage and rebuild it to the point where neither or your are worrying or thinking about other people.  This can’t happen if you’re constantly bringing up her.  As long as your husband is honoring his promise to set clear limits and to keep contact limited to business only, at some point you have to trust that he will do exactly that unless he gives you a reason not to.

I know that understanding or dealing with any issue that has to do with the other woman is difficult, but healing really is eventually possible. Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, I did eventually truly get over the affair. My marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read my very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Few moments as frozen in time as when a wife finds out that her husband has been unfaithful. For many of us, that image is embedded in our brains forever. And it’s an ugly memory – one that we’d very much like to forget. Many wives wonder if being repeatedly plagued and injured by this image is an indication that they won’t eventually be able to move on.

An example is, “I’ll never forget the combination of panic and realization on my husband’s face when I caught him cheating on me. Thankfully, I didn’t walk in on him in the act, not exactly. But it was still pretty traumatic. He thought that I wouldn’t be home from work until hours later. But I came home early. I wanted to share something exciting that happened earlier in the day, so I opened the door to his office, naively thinking that he would be happy to see me. Instead, he didn’t even see me come in because he was talking lovingly to the other woman. In fact, although he was technically facing toward me, it took him several seconds to even notice that I was standing there. Before he realized it, he was all smiles, and he was practically cooing at the other woman. However, once he finally saw me, he practically dropped the phone. The look on his face was one of sheer panic. He immediately hung up and he lunged toward me. But I wiggled away, leaving him to chase me, swearing that I needed to hear him out. He did admit to cheating, but claimed he was getting ready to break it off. This has to be a lie. His face most definitely did not look like the face of a man who was unhappy and ready to end things. The problem is, I keep seeing this mental image over and over. I dream of it. No matter what my husband says or does, this image is what I take with me. I worry that this image showed my husband with his defenses down. So I get to see his true self, and how he really felt. And what I saw was a man who was thinking only of himself and of the other woman. He was not thinking of his wife. And he looked happy. I will never be able to put this image out of my mind. And I do not know how I can move on with this in my head. He swears that he will do whatever is necessary to save our marriage. But how can I save my marriage to a man with that look on his face?”

You Are Not Alone. This Mental Image Is Nearly Universal: Before I say anything else, I want you to know that you are by no means alone. Every woman who has dealt with infidelity has some similar image frozen in their own minds. For some, it from when they confronted their husband. For others, it’s when he finally admitted it. And for still others, it is when they actually caught him. All are extremely hard to process.

And yet, statistics show us that a majority of couples who deal with infidelity stay together. The numbers vary, but I’ve seen them range from anywhere to 50-70% of couples staying together. Another statistic indicates that 20-40% of divorces are caused by infidelity. That said, not all marriages that survive infidelity are completely happy. Some couples still have multiple issues that they are trying to deal with. But many of them manage to stay together. I mention these statistics because I want to offer you some reassurance that having this mental image does not mean that you cannot or should not move on, although the decision to do so has to be up to you.

Moving The Image From The Foreground To The Background: No matter what happens with your marriage, whether that mental image continues to plague you or whether it fades into the background depends, at least in part, on your ability to heal. And many factors go into this.

It is a good sign that your husband is willing to do whatever you’re going to ask of him. Because he’s going to need to be accountable and rehabilitated so that your perception of him can also be rehabilitated. As you begin to replace bad days with good days, you’re also going to be able to replace bad memories with good ones. This takes effort and time. Unfortunately, there aren’t short cuts in this process. But if you can get your marriage back on solid ground, (or if you can heal yourself, even if your marriage ends) then you have no need to keep revisiting the past.

Everyone in life has traumatic memories. No one goes through life without hardship. Some will have terrible memories of financial hardship. Others will deal with illness or other tragedies. But those images and memories fade when the situation improves. As just one example, after one of my family members died after a cruel, horrible illness, I used to have nightmares about his suffering and diminished physical appearance. The process was incredibly painful. But today, now that time has passed and that wound has begun to heal over, I think of him happy and healthy. My memories of him feature him smiling and looking triumphant.

When we heal, we can replace horrible memories with happier alternatives. When the wound isn’t so fresh, we can push the traumatic memories out of our minds so much more easily. I know that this is still fresh, so yes, you may have to grapple with the look on your husband’s face for a while longer.

But try to place your focus on taking a few steps forward so that gradual healing can take place. If you focus is on moving ahead, then you focus less on remembering the painful aspects of the past. Yes, this past is so fresh that it may feel like a struggle right now.

But better days are usually ahead, no matter how this plays out. The human spirit is incredibly resilient, and human nature dictates that we ultimately desire growth rather than stagnation. Yes, it can take a while and require hard work, but it is not impossible.  You’re welcome to read about how I recovered from infidelity at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who are really struggling with the reality that their husband has had an affair. Often, the hardest part for them is not the betrayal itself, but the circumstances that preceded the betrayal. Many of these wives are so confused because they had good marriages and loving husbands. In fact, many believed beyond a shadow of a doubt that these same loving husbands would never cheat. And, many of these wives will admit that they suspect that their husband still loves them, even after his cheating. That’s why his cheating can be so horribly confusing.

I heard from a wife who said: “there is no doubt in my mind that my husband loved me during his affair and I fully believe that he loves me now. That’s why I simply can’t wrap my brain around why he would cheat on me. I admit that our lives were stressful when I was undergoing treatment for severe medical issues. But my husband was so loving and supportive during that time that I never would have suspected that he was caring for me in the evenings and then having an affair with his coworker during the day. How could he know that I was home sick and still carry out what he did? How could he love and worry about me and then sleep with someone else? How can a man who truly loves his wife cheat on her?”  I will try to answer these questions in the following article.

Often, A Husband’s Affair Doesn’t Have Anything Whatsoever To Do With His Love For His Wife: There are many types of affairs. We all know of or have even heard from the husband who will claim he cheated or had an affair because his wife just didn’t understand or appreciate him. Or, he’ll say that his wife had let herself go or had changed, so as a result, he fell out of love with her and had an affair with someone else.  In fact, that is so common an excuse that many people will just assume that a cheating husband no longer loves his wife. This is most certainly not true in every case. A good number of cheating men actually love, adore, and lust after their wives. Men who have good and active sex lives cheat. Men who could not ever imagine their lives without their wives still cheat. Men who look their wives right in the face and truthfully declare their undying love cheat on those same wives. Why? Because sometimes the cheating and the love have nothing to do with one another.

If Men Don’t Cheat Because They No Longer Love Their Wives, Then Why Do They Cheat?: There isn’t one answer to this question. But, if I had to simplify it, my answer would be to provide a diversion or relief from some problem or issue that is usually completely separate from their marriage. Sometimes, they cheat in times of stress during which they feel powerless. In the above scenario, the wife’s health issues had been very stressful on both she and her husband. By no means am I using this to defend her husband’s actions. But, for whatever reason, it is very common for men to cheat during times when they under a high amount of stress like an illness, a job loss, or a period of feeling helpless. During such times, the cheating is in response to the stress and is an attempt to make the man feel less helpless or worthless. It doesn’t have anything to do with his love for his wife, which is still very much in tact. In fact, sometimes part of the frustration comes with loving your wife and with feeling powerless to help her like with the above situation.

Another thing you’ll often hear is the husband say is that he didn’t feel that he was “good enough” or “worthy” of someone like his wife so he sabotaged his relationship because, again he was struggling with those feelings of being worthless.

If Your Loving Husband Cheated Or Had An Affair, Where Does That Leave You?: Most likely, you will have a choice to make. There are times when wives in this situation will begin to doubt their husband’s love for them, even when there is that little voice in the back of their head that says things like: “but remember that time when he stayed up with you all night when you couldn’t sleep?” Or “remember how he looks at you? How can he fake that?”

It’s very difficult to juggle the knowledge that he has done very loving things and acted in loving ways and yet he has committed an act that betrays that love. And yet, among all the confusion, there’s still a choice to make. You’ll ultimately need to decide if that same love is enough. You’ll need to ask yourself if the remaining love is enough for you to try to rehabilitate your marriage and work through whatever personal issues may have lead up to his cheating.

That is not a decision that anyone can make but you. Some women will look at both the man and the marriage over the course of many years and decide that the good things that he has done outweigh that one bad decision. And others will decide that no matter how much they love their husband or he loves them, cheating is just not something that they will ever overcome.

I know it is a difficult decision, but I hope this article has shed a little light on how it’s possible for a man who loves his wife to make a very huge mistake and to cheat.

I actually never doubted my husband’s love for me after his affair.  I knew he loved me before, during and after it.  The question really was if that love was enough to pull us through.  In the end, it took more than love.  It took a lot of work, determination and skill.  But we made it.  If it helps, you can read all about it on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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by: katie lersch: Many women who contact me confess that they often wonder just how much their husband thinks about the other woman once the affair is over.  Many husbands will downplay this or deny that he ever thinks about her.  And many of the wives have a very hard time believing this.

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “the other day my husband had a far away look on his face.  He was distant and a million miles away.  I suspected that he was thinking about the woman with whom he recently had an affair.  But when I confronted him about this, he said that not only was he not thinking about her at that time, but that he never thinks about her anymore at all.  This just hit me the wrong way because I felt like he had to be lying.  And if he wasn’t lying, what does it say about him that he can have a physical relationship with someone and just walk away without a backward glance?  Is it even possible for a husband not to think about the other woman?  Because I have to admit that I still think about her quite a lot.  I can’t help it.  The thoughts and images just pop into my head, even when I don’t welcome them.  How is the same not true for him?”  I will address these concerns in the following article.

Is A Husband Lying When He Claims He Never Thinks About The Other Woman Or The Affair?  Is This Even Possible? These are difficult questions because it’s impossible for anyone to get inside the mind of the heart of another person.  I can tell you that some (but certainly not all) men will try to downplay the affair or the other person because they are trying to spare you pain and they truly do want to save their marriage.

So, they aren’t going to share any thoughts that they fear might make this less likely.  And, they know that if they admit to still thinking about the other woman or the relationship from time to time (even if it’s not even in a wistful or positive way,) this is going to hurt you or bring about more issues for you.  So, they figure it’s best to keep their thoughts to themselves, especially if those thoughts don’t really matter to them and aren’t going to help their cause.

With that said, many men will tell you that the affair was an impulsive act that truly didn’t have many emotional ramifications for them.  Even though literature and statistics will suggest that men cheat for at least partly emotional reasons (and I agree with this,) many of those same men will deny that this was the case for them.  They’ll tell you that this was just a short term thing that happened while they weren’t thinking clearly, that they now deeply regret it, and that they are perfectly willing and able to move on without a lot of emotional baggage or thought.

And although I am not and would never defend a man who cheats, I do believe that many men who make these declarations do believe what they say.  Because if you dig a little deeper and speak at length about this, it can become clear that, were it not for their wife constantly bringing the affair and the other woman up, they could merely walk away quite easily. They’ll tell you this is because they don’t forge the emotional attachments that wives fear the most.

I often hear comments like: “my wife is always asking me if I still think about the affair.  Honestly, if she wouldn’t constantly bring it up, I don’t think I’d ponder it much at all.  It’s in the past and I see no reason at all to keep dwelling on it all of the time.  But my wife can’t seem to let it go.  She’s constantly asking me about what I’m thinking and how I feel. She can’t or won’t just drop it.  How can we move on when she’s constantly picking at the scab that is trying to heal? She thinks I’m lying when I tell her I don’t think about it.  I guess that is not entirely untrue, but, if I think about it at all, it’s because she constantly brings it up.  It’s like she wants to think that this other person and I shared this great love affair that will never end when nothing is further from the truth.  I could go my entire life without needing to contact or think or this person again but my wife won’t let it rest.”

Now, whether comments like this are entirely true or not, these are the type of things that I often hear. The husband will insist that he rarely longs for (and much less thinks about) the other woman, but his wife just won’t let it rest and is constantly bringing the topic back to the affair so that it’s impossible not to think about it.

How To Handle It When You Wonder Whether Your Husband Continues To Think About The Affair: It’s totally natural and understandable to wonder where your husband’s thoughts and loyalties lie.  It’s challenging to save your marriage or to move on when you’re worried that he would rather be with someone else or that someone else has taken up residence in his mind. But, when you truly can’t know what he’s thinking or feeling, does it make sense to keep bringing his attention back to that person who you want him to completely distance himself and his thoughts from?

Often, without even realizing that we are doing it, we allow the fear inside us to drive our actions and our decisions.  The thing that we most fear is for our husbands to still think about (or long for) this other woman.  Yet, by continuing to bring her up, ask about her, or demand that our husband define exactly how much he is thinking about or feeling for her, we keep allowing her presence into our lives.  I know that you really want and need to know the truth about whether he continues to think about the affair, but sometimes if you back off of this topic and focus on your marriage and your healing instead, you will make it more likely that you will get the answer that you really want.

I know that dealing with these doubts can be very challenging and painful, but plowing through can truly be worth it. Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, I did eventually truly get over the affair. My marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is in tact. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. If it helps, you can read more of that story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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By: Katie Lersch: One big worry for many wives who are trying to recover from their husband’s affair is how often he spends thinking about (or longing for) the affair and the other woman. Yes, most husbands will proclaim that the affair is 100% percent over. He may even claim that he wants to move on completely and immediately. But most wives have doubts that he will be able to turn it off in this way. Many wives can’t help but notice a troubling, faraway look in their husbands’ eyes, and many worry that this look means that he’s thinking about the affair.

A wife might say, “My husband denies that he ever thinks about the woman that he had an affair with. He claims that as soon as I found out about it, he immediately shut everything associated with it down. I do believe that he ended things. But just because he’s no longer physically involved, this does not necessarily mean that he is not emotionally involved in his own thoughts and in his own heart. He denies this, of course. But occasionally, I’ll catch him looking into space, and when I try to get his attention, he’s in a bit of a daze. I suspect that this is him thinking back on the other woman and the affair. This isn’t an infrequent occurrence, either. When I confront him about it, he will claim he’s thinking about work. But honestly, he’s never thought about work so much in his life. I’ve seen a few of their exchanges. And he claimed to have real feelings. So how could he not be thinking about her now? I am sure he is, and some of my friends say that I have to expect this because things are still very fresh. Assuming that I could accept that, how long will this last? How long do men think about the affair or the other woman after the affair is over?”

I wish I had an exact answer for you. I wish I could say that this would last for three weeks or one and a half months. But I can’t tell you that. Because the answer very much depends upon many varying factors, which I’ll discuss below.

Do Not Assume That A Husband’s Thoughts About The Affair Are Always Positive Or Nostalgic: I can’t tell you that it is very unlikely that your husband ever remembers aspects of the affair. This is a major event in both of your lives and in your marriage. So it’s likely something that is on both of your minds. That’s just normal human nature.

But it’s very common for wives to assume that when their husband thinks about the affair, he thinks about it longingly. We’ll assume that he is wishing things were different, or that he’d never gotten caught. We fear that he is replaying good memories, and wishing that it would never have ended.

It’s just as likely that he’s ruminating over what a huge mess he made, and how he is ever going to make things up to you. He may even feel some remorse for getting other people involved in his problems.

Here’s something that is very important to consider: When negative consequences come out of any interaction, one tends to ultimately view that interaction negatively. So yes, he may be thinking about the affair, but he may also be thinking about how much he regrets it.

I can’t claim that this is always the case. There are certainly husbands who still feel some tenderness or nostalgia for the other woman. But I think that it can be a mistake to assume that every husband is going to fit into this category.

Be Careful About How Much You Turn His Attention Back To The Affair: It is very normal and understandable to want to gain every bit of information that you can get about the other woman and the affair. You want to know what you are up against and you want information that is going to help you identify similar issues in the future.

You have every right to this information. Unfortunately, not every husband gives it freely. So it’s common to get into a cycle where you’re constantly bringing up the affair. Unfortunately, it can become a very regularly (and tiresome) topic of conversation. Therefore, it can become difficult for your husband to stop thinking about the affair because it comes up constantly.

I am NOT saying that you don’t have every right to repeatedly discuss the issues surrounding the affair. You need to. There is no way around this. But there is a difference between discussing it and ruminating over it or going round and round in circles over the same, unfinished topics.

That is why it is helpful to agree to a regular time to discuss these topics. A standing counseling appointment can work. So can setting aside a couple of evenings a week. You want to get a resolution and then move on to the next topic that’s bothering you. Circling back over and over again is very common. But it does so much more harm than good and it can actually encourage BOTH of you to think about the affair more than is healthy. It should not be the only topic of conversation or thought. You deserve to have a life outside of this, no matter what happens with your husband.

Moving Forward Helps With Rumination On Both Sides: It takes time to move on from an affair. There is no denying this. I don’t think that there are any healthy shortcuts or ways to skip the work that needs to be done. So you should take your time with healing and take as long as you need to turn the corner.

With that said, it is very common to get stuck in a cycle of rumination where you just cannot move on. This actually makes it more likely that your husband (and you) will look back and not forward. As soon as you have the information and the tools that you need to heal, make moving forward (even if it’s slowly) a very high priority because doing so makes it much more likely that there is no reason for either you or your husband to look backward.

In summary, yes, your husband may think about the affair when the discovery of it is fresh. But this doesn’t always mean that he’s thinking about it with longing. You can lessen the time that you are vulnerable to this by moving forward as you are able. Ruminating isn’t good for either of you, so be careful that you are not creating an environment that encourages him to repeatedly look back.

Believe me, I’m not trying to minimize your worries.  I understand them.  I have had them.  But, I also know that getting caught in an endless cycle of assuming the very worst just prolongs your pain.  Moving on may seem impossible now, but if you can get there, it feels so much better than moving in a circle of constant worry. You can read about how I was finally able to get there at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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by: katie lersch: I often hear from wives who are having a hard time believing that they are ever going to feel the same way about their husband and their marriages again. Even though that many of these wives really do want to save their marriages, some doubt that this is going to be possible for them.  They just can’t foresee ever feeling love for their husband again after he cheated on them.

I recently heard from a wife who was experiencing this first hand.  She said, in part: “How do you love your husband again after he cheats or has an affair?  Because I can’t imagine that this is ever going to be possible for me.  And I can’t be married to a man that I don’t love.  But his infidelity changed my love for him.   Because when I look at him now, I see a completely different man.  He’s no longer the loyal, attentive, and rock solid man I married.  I now see him as dishonest, sneaky, and manipulative.  I don’t want to end my marriage, but I can’t see any way around it when I no longer feel love for this man.  And I feel that love and marriage go hand in hand.  Would it ever be possible for me to love him again?  Or am I just wasting my time?”

These weren’t questions that I could answer for this wife.  But I could tell her that many wives are able to love their husbands again after cheating, an affair, or infidelity.  This often isn’t an immediate or fast process, but it is quite possible.  I will discuss this more in the follow article.

Loving Your Husband Again After Cheating Or An Affair Isn’t Something That You Should Expect To Happen Immediately: I can’t help but notice that many of the wives who ask about loving their husband again after his infidelity are relatively new to this situation.  Of course, when you are newly struggling, you want to know how long you can expect for the struggles to last.  It’s natural to want to feel better and to want to get your life back to normal as soon as you possibly can.

But love is a very deep and complex emotion.  It isn’t something that can be forced or just decided upon.  It takes time for it to grow. And it takes time for it to be rebuilt once it has been tested.  In order to love someone, you must respect, admire, and genuinely like them.  You often will need to believe that they bring something to the table and add something to your life that you can not (and do not want) to get from any one else.  But, when your husband has disappointed you in this way, it can be difficult to feel this these things for him.

However, this doesn’t mean that you won’t ever feel love for him again.  Many wives do, in time.  But usually, a lot of things need to happen between today and the day that you begin to feel loving toward him again.  You will need time to observe him making good on his promises and conducting himself in a way that you can respect, respond to, and admire again.  As I’m sure you might imagine, this is a gradual process.  There may be days when you can’t imagine feeling love again for your husband because you are so angry at him.  And you may not believe that there will be a day when this anger lessens, even a little bit.  But time can be more healing than you can imagine.  And your husband can and sometimes will rise to the occasion in ways that you might not have previously imagined or hoped for.

The Burden Of Loving Your Husband Again Lies At Least Somewhat With Him: Many wives that I dialogue with give me the impression that they think that loving their husband again is an obstacle that they must overcome alone.  It’s almost as if they think they have to make a decision or declaration about loving their husband again no matter what circumstances or struggles are happening around them.  It’s just not that easy. You can’t turn your feelings on and off at will. And you can’t love someone who isn’t proving to deserving of your love.

It’s my opinion that while you have the responsibility to decide if you want to be open to the idea of loving him again, he has the responsibility to show himself to be worthy of your love.  He can’t expect you to feel very loving toward him if he’s not doing everything in his power to prove to you that it’s safe to do so.

I sometimes have men contact me on my infidelity blog and tell me that they are devastated because their wives have decided not to love them anymore.  I often respond by asking them what they have done to earn their wife’s love all over again.  In other words, what have they done to show themselves to be truth worthy, rehabilitated, and remorseful?  I have to tell you that it’s obvious that some men just don’t have a clue that your loving them is completely connected to their actions and behaviors after the affair.

And I do believe that this doesn’t mean that they’re stupid or that they just don’t care.  It just often means that men can be lost about what they should be doing after they cheated.  Many will look to their wife for clues as to how they should behave.  Unfortunately, often their wife is waiting for them to make the first move.  As a result, sometimes no one makes any move and both people wonder why nothing positive is happening to move the marriage and the feelings forward.

If your husband hasn’t done enough to inspire your loving feelings for him again, I would recommend speaking up and requesting what you need.  Because sometimes, men just don’t know what you expect or they don’t understand what would be their best course of action.  Many wives resist having to “spell out” what they need. They think that their husband should know what to do or should immediately begin making things right because he is sincere.  The truth is, many sincere men are just at a loss.  They aren’t sure if you want for them to back off and leave you or alone or if you want them to take action.

Frankly, sometimes asking for the behaviors that you need to see provides the best possible outcome.  Seeing your husband work tirelessly to regain your trust, to show his love, and to make things right can eventually bring about those loving feelings that we’ve been taking about.  So to answer the question posed, yes, it is possible for you to love your husband again after he cheated or had an affair.  But often, it takes time and it takes very measured efforts.  You often don’t get the best results if both of you just sort of sit back with a “wait and see” attitude while waiting on the other to make the first move.

I can tell you that today, years after my husband’s affair, I love him completely.  This is in direct contrast to how I felt about him in the weeks following the affair.  It took time but the love did eventually return and it remains today.  If it helps you can read about what worked for me and more of that story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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Sometimes, I hear from wives who very much want to save their marriage and get their husband back after his affair – but there’s a problem.  Their husband thinks or believes that he’s “in love” with the other woman or mistress so, at least at this time, he’s not receptive to saving the marriage or coming back to the wife.

I get a lot of heartbreaking emails about this.  I often read comments like “My husband thinks the other woman walks on water.  He thinks she does no wrong.  He thinks she makes him feel “alive” and “whole” again.  He doesn’t care that she’s a low class person or is probably only after him for his money.  He just thinks she’s the most wonderful person in the world and that she’s his soul mate.  How in the world can I compete with that?  How in the world can I save my marriage and get my husband home to his kids when he thinks he’s found what he’s always been looking for in this woman?”

This is a very difficult situation.  Because when the husband is walking around in this fog of infatuation, there’s very little that you can do until he starts to come down to reality – but that can and does usually happen. And, there are things that you can do to move it along so that it happens more quickly.  I will discuss this more in the following article.

As Tempting As It Is, If You Point Out The Other Woman’s Flaws, You’ll Likely Only Make Him Defensive And Have Him Defending Her:  I know that it’s very tempting to point out how stupid your husband is being and what a deplorable tramp he’s carrying on with.  But if you do that now, you’re only alienating him from you and only making him take up for her – which brings them closer together.

I know it’s so hard to bite your tongue and to keep from pointing out how stupid he’s acting and what a huge mistake he is making.   But if you do this, you are likely make your situation worse.  And since it’s a safe bet you want him back, this isn’t what you want to do.

I’ve seen this situation play out time and time again.  And most of the time, if you wait, lurk in the shadows, and bide your time, you will be in the best position in the end.  Which leads me to my next point.

Know That Once The Affair Runs It’s Course, He Will Realize That Doesn’t Even Know This Women – Much Less Love Her:  I’ve never had an affair (although my husband did,) and I dialog with many men who have on my blog.   And here’s what they tell me about affairs.  In the beginning, they get so caught up in the excitement and the “newness” of it, that they aren’t really thinking.  They aren’t looking at it objectively or intellectually.

Eventually though, this “new” phase passes.  It’s inevitable.  And when it does, this is often when your husband takes a long, hard look at this other woman and realizes that he doesn’t really know her at all.  If this is true, how can he really love her?

Here’s another important point.  A relationship that is build on deception, lies, and dishonestly doesn’t really have much of a chance in the end.   She will eventually show her true colors and he will realize what a fool her has been.  When this happens, you want to have positioned yourself in the best way possible, which is why it’s important that you take the high road, even when it’s very difficult.

Putting Yourself In The Best Position Possible To Get Your Husband Back From The Mistress:  I know it’s very difficult to wait for all of her allure to wear off.  But it almost always does.  And if you are patient and build yourself up while you are waiting, you will be in the best position possible once their relationship starts to crumble.

So how do you handle yourself until then?  This is a delicate dance.  It really does depend on your husband’s attitude at the time, but I think it’s always a good idea to handle yourself with dignity and respect.  It should be clear that you aren’t going to compete with her or be involved in any love triangle.  When he decides who or what he wants, you will be willing to reconsider then -but not until then.

Women often ask me if they should attempt to have sex with their husband while he’s still with the mistress.  In other words, they want to know if they should try to lure him back or to get the husband to actually cheat on the mistress with the wife.  This can be a tough call too.

And I understand both lines of thinking on this.  You can feel that if you can get him intimate with you again, you will have a chance to get him back.  But if you allow him to have a relationship with both of you, then he really has no incentive to end the relationship with the mistress.

Now, if he’s beginning to come around and it’s clear he’s considering ending the relationship with the other woman, then you might have an argument.  But it’s ideally best to wait until it’s clear that he’s again committed to you and completely cutting off contact with her – although I know that this is easier said than done.

Throughout this process, I recommend doing everything in your power to restore your self esteem.  You never want to be in a position where you believe that’s she’s better than you in any way or has something that you do not.  Do whatever you need to do to feel confident, beautiful, and good about yourself because this really does matter.

The image that you project becomes the image that every one else believes.  If you feel badly about yourself, this will likely affect the way every one around you feels and views you.  If you are worried about your sexual confidence, there’s an ebook on the side of this blog that is quite good for that.

If it helps, you are welcome to read about how I got over my own husband’s affair.  It was a long hard journey, but frankly our marriage is better than ever now – and I don’t worry he will cheat again.  You can read that story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: It’s very easy to get discouraged with any plan or strategy that you try after the discovery of an affair. Sometimes, you feel defeated before you even start. After all, no matter what you do, you may still have the sinking feeling that you are doing all of this work for someone who has already betrayed you. I’ve repeatedly heard wives ask themselves why they even try.

Here’s an example. Someone might say, “I caught my husband cheating on me about three weeks ago. I was extremely shocked, but I don’t know why I was so surprised. He hasn’t been a good husband to me in several months. He clearly had begun to distance himself in our marriage because he was placing his investment somewhere else. I am not sure why I did not immediately kick him out. He did express remorse. But he has not done everything that he has promised. It is as if he’s merely waiting for the dust to settle so he can get back to his regular way of doing things. For example, I asked him to stop going out after work, and he did that for about a week and a half, but now he went out a couple of times. He always has a ready-excuse for this, such as he gave a male co-worker a ride home, but he still not sticking to the plan. No one has explicitly said anything to me about it, but my friends give me the vibe that they think I’m crazy for even trying. Honestly, in their shoes, I would think the very same thing. Why am I even trying after he cheated on me?

Well, you would be the best person to answer this question. But, I can tell you why I tried. And I can tell you some strategies and behaviors that you want to have in place to make it worth your while to keep trying.

Why Many Women Want To Try To Make It Work When Their Husband Cheats Or Has An Affair: Many women are actually surprised when they find themselves even open to seeing what might happen with their marriage after the affair. Because many of us have watched this happen to friends, family members, and loved ones. And we’d always said, “That’s not going to happen to me. But if it does, I will never tolerate that. I will never stay. I will be out immediately.”

However, when faced with the reality of actually uprooting your entire life, your resolve may weaken a bit. And often, we do not have the luxury of only our lives being affected. Many of us have children. Or a business or home that we have built with our spouse. Many of us have literally grown up with our spouse. He has been our main “person” for over half of our lives. So, just walking away from that without a backward glance is not something that many of us take lightly.

So we decide that we might wait and see how this all plays out before we decide to just call it quits. Many of us give our husbands no guarantees, but we decide to watch and wait, to see if our husband will rise to the occasion and make this right, which leads me to…

Behaviors You Want To See To Make You Keep Trying: When you agree to wait and see what your husband will do before walking out the door, you are making a huge gesture of good faith. Your husband needs to return this and then some.

Admittedly, no one likes to live their life under the constant and watchful eye of someone else. No one likes to have to constantly account for their whereabouts. But, I believe that it is not unreasonable that these things need to be the cost of admission.

It is very hard to restore the trust and intimacy after an affair. You won’t be able to do this if you can’t even trust your husband enough to make good on the promises that he has made to you. Now, sometimes, he will test the waters in the beginning. He will try to ease you back into your former way of life pre-affair (such as going out after work.) This doesn’t always mean that he is cheating again.

Sometimes, it just means that he doesn’t want to be under your watchful eye like a child. But, you have to set and then insist upon the ground rules. You can’t get what you need and what you want if you don’t. So the next time he goes out with friends, you might say, “We agreed that, for the time being, you would come right home after work.  We have not made other arrangements, so I need you to do exactly what you’ve promised me. I’m trying.  And I need you to try too.”

This is only my opinion, but in order for me to keep trying with my husband, I needed to see an unbroken and continuous effort to make good on his claims. I needed him to show up over and over and over again, even when it wasn’t easy or even when I pushed him away. Because it certainly was not easy for me.

Sure, he messed up sometimes. He disappointed me sometimes. But when he did, I spoke up. And I told him what I needed and why. And he always regrouped and tried harder – even if it wasn’t always perfect. Yes, we were both frustrated and broken at times. But the common thread was that no one walked away or stopped trying. It was always fairly obvious that my husband was determined to hang in there with me – no matter how hard – because the whole thing was his doing.

Your husband may not always behave or respond as you want him to. But he should approach this with a willingness to at least try. There may be days when he gets frustrated or tries to get away with more freedom before you are ready to give that. But, when you bring this to his attention, he should approach you with a spirit of cooperation, even if he’s not thrilled about the increased scrutiny, which is normal.

No one said this process was easy for either person. Unfortunately, it is anything but easy. Still, we try because we don’t just want to surrender the life that we have earned. And we keep trying when our husband gives us a reason to keep going, even if we have to take two steps backward along the way.

If it helps, you can read about how we hung in there even when it was maddening and we eventually got our marriage back at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: It’s not unusual to have to endure a change in living arrangements after the discovery of a marital affair – at least temporarily. Often, emotions and anger run very high, and it’s just not healthy for the couple to be in close quarters during the aftermath of discovery. Sometimes, this is a way to allow things to calm down before someone says or does something that they will regret. Some spouses go and stay with family and friends for a night or two, without any real intention of making the new living arrangements permanent.

Most commonly, the spouse who cheated is the one to leave. But, there can be exceptions. Some wives are shocked and absolutely furious when their cheating spouse suggests that they should leave the home. Needless to say, this suggestion only adds to the pain and anger of these wives. And they find themselves asking why they should leave when they aren’t the one who cheated.

Here’s an example. A husband may become quite defensive at his wife’s anger and suggest that she leave the home until she can communicate without such bitterness. A wife might explain, “I’m not going to pretend that I’m being anything but hateful to my husband after his affair. But he deserves my wrath. He lied and has been cheating with a deplorable woman who isn’t even fit to interact with us, much less to insert herself into our lives. I have never been betrayed in this way. And he has lied to my face and to my children’s face. So yes, I am furious at him. And he acts as if I have no right to my anger. He told me if being under the same roof is so offensive to me, I should leave. He said he can’t make any promises to me about our marriage anyway, so I should just pack my bags and go. To be clear, I don’t want to leave my home – and not necessarily because I want to live with him. I have no idea how I feel about this. But I feel that he should be the one to leave. He is the one who cheated. It is unfair for my kids and myself to uproot because of his mistakes. Granted, he owned this house when we married. But I have helped to make payments on it for years. In fact, I make more money than he does, so I pay more toward the mortgage than him. I think that he should go.”

Why He May Be Taking This Stance: I tend to agree with you, but my opinion doesn’t really help you right now. My husband was gracious enough to be one to leave because he was the one who cheated. And he was astute enough to realize that he needed to make my life easier if he had any chance of remaining in my life.

But, not all men take this cooperative stance, not by a long shot. Some will posture by trying to play hardball. They hope that by taking this harsh stance, you will have to back away from your anger in order to get any peaceful interaction with them.

Formulating A Reply: It is really up to you as to whether you intend to back off some or stand your ground. And no one can make that decision for you. If you are at all interested in maintaining your marriage or keeping some sort of united front with your children, then you will eventually need to be able to communicate with him. However, it is understandable that this just isn’t possible right now.

I can’t offer any information about the legalities of who has what type of rights to the home. I think that it is better to try to work it out amongst yourself anyway if this is possible.

A suggestion might be a response something like, “I agree that it is difficult to be in close proximity right now. But I disagree that I should be the one to leave. Do you really want your kids to be put out of their home because of something you did? If you do not want to leave, then we can either agree to take a few days without interacting with each other by staying in separate parts of the house, or we can both go to separate hotels so that we both leave for a few days. I also agree that we are in no position to foretell the future right now. Neither of us knows how we are going to feel or what we will want two weeks from now. It is probably best to take some time to allow things to calm down. Me having to take the kids and leave my home only makes this process worse. I am willing to keep my distance. But I am not willing to leave. Can we agree to terms that will work for us both? I’m not asking for anything other than an agreement about living arrangements in the coming days. But I don’t think it’s fair to basically kick the kids out of the house because of their parents’ marital issues.”

I can’t make any predictions or promises, but I feel like most reasonable people will agree to this. It is unfair to ask you to take on a compromised position because he cheated. And I hate to say that the strategy you take early on will be the one that you are always going to be stuck with, because this isn’t necessarily true. But if you allow him to call the shots this early, you may be playing catch up in the future.

Eventually, the goal down the road is to be somewhat cordial, no matter what happens with your marriage. You don’t want to have to carry this bitterness with you for the rest of your life. But for today, you certainly have a right to have a conversation about having to leave your home.

I promise it can get better. Life in our home was very explosive following the discovery of the affair. However, gradually, and over time, we were able to rebuild. It took determination and much patience, but we did it. You’re welcome to read about how we recovered at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Picking up the pieces after infidelity is difficult, no matter the circumstances. However, when you have a spouse who is showing no remorse or regret for his actions, it is arguably much more difficult to move forward. After all, there are many obstacles that couples must overcome – restoring the trust, maintaining a level of commitment, and forging a new sense of determination and confidence. All of these are going to be nearly impossible if your spouse doesn’t exhibit desirable – and necessary – signs of responsibility.

A wife might say, “I am sorry to say that my husband has not exhibited any signs of shame, empathy, or remorse for his affair. And that is deplorable. Having an affair is a horrible act, but, even worse, my husband cheated with a woman that I knew well and was somewhat close with. They both betrayed my trust. And my husband took advantage of my trust in both of them to carry out his shameful behavior. Unfortunately, rather than seeing this act of betrayal for what it was, he’s somewhat nonchalant about it. His response to me is that he is certainly not the first man to cheat and that he will not be the last. The only real thing that I can get him to concede to is that he is sorry that he hurt me. But he will not say that he is sorry that he did it. And when I’ve told mutual friends about it, he just sort of shrugs his shoulders, as if he doesn’t care who knows. He’s not particularly embarrassed or ashamed. When I get upset, he doesn’t act as if it affects him in the least. He’s very matter-of-fact about it. His attitude makes me very angry, but I’m also very worried. It seems to me as if our marriage doesn’t stand a chance. What does his attitude indicate?”

This is only my opinion, but it most definitely indicates that there is a lot more work that needs to be done before you are set on the path the healing. Here is why.

The Fall Out From A Husband’s Lack Of An Appropriate Response After An Affair: It may already be fairly obvious, but a man who won’t take responsibility and indicate remorse for his actions is a man who is refusing to meet you halfway on a problem that is entirely of his own making.

Understandably, you are angry, distrustful, and in pain. Part of beginning to pivot from these feelings is seeing that he is willing to take you by the hand and walk with you on the path toward recovery. To be clear, this is not an easy path.

Even with a completely remorseful and apologetic spouse, you can still be plagued with doubts and fears. You will need patience as you work through each obstacle one by one. This requires diligence, determination, and patience. But the path is even harder when you have a spouse that isn’t willing to walk with you or reassure you when you hit roadblocks. It can feel as if you’re completely alone and being asked to just blindly trust when he isn’t even willing to step up. You are not being unreasonable to want to see these behaviors before you put any trust in him.

Also very importantly, a man who doesn’t feel guilt, shame, and remorse is going to be more likely to repeat the behavior. If he doesn’t feel the pain or consequences of his actions, what is to keep him from doing it again?

Things To Try To Ellicit More Remorse, Empathy, Guilt, And Shame From A Cheating Husband: Sometimes, husbands actually do feel some shame and remorse, but they don’t freely show it because they don’t want to appear vulnerable and they are afraid that you will pile on if they show any signs of “weakness.”

Sometimes they act this way as a sort of preemptive measure. They take a hard line so that you don’t expect too much from them.

It is up to you to communicate that this stance isn’t going to be acceptable to you. The next time he makes a flippant statement that diminishes his actions, you might try to a response like, “it’s very upsetting to hear you say this. I don’t see how we can move forward until you take more responsibility for the fallout of your actions. You showed no respect for our marriage vows or empathy for me. I’m not saying that it is impossible for us to recover, but it’s going to be very difficult if you won’t even acknowledge the disastrous decisions that you have made and you deny any guilt or remorse. Ideally, I would like to one day trust you again. But when you refuse to acknowledge the pain you have caused, trust is hard to come by. I can’t go all-in in the healing process until I see these behaviors. How and when we move forward has got to be up to you.”

He may not give you the desired reaction immediately, but as he begins to see that he is not going to enjoy all of the benefits of a loving, reciprocal marriage, he may change his tune. And when he sees that you are going to demand more from him, he may realize that he will need to drop his damaging stance.

I can tell you with certainty that it is important to ask for what you want and for what you deserve. Unless you ask for it, you may not get it. And you deserve to fully heal. None of this was your fault. I can also tell you that this is a hard road that you should not have to take alone. And it is not too much to ask for the person who is at fault – your husband – to step up and acknowledge the mistake he has made and his responsibility for helping to make it right.

Make sure he understands that you expect it and will wait until you get it. As I alluded to, I too had to prioritize my healing.  And I had to be very clear about what I needed from my husband.  You are welcome to read about our recovery at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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