Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

by: katie lersch: I often hear from wives who are struggling to make their husbands understand just how devastating and far reaching his affair truly was. Many wives struggle with making their husband understand that moving on or getting over the affair is going to take far longer (and much more work) than the husband may have realized.

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “my husband’s affair has been over for about three months.  It’s becoming obvious that he feels like my time to grieve and process this is up.  He wonders aloud when I’m going to recover and for how much longer I’m going to “dwell on” the affair or on the past.  He often makes comments like ‘the past is in the past.  Now it’s time to move on and start again.  We can’t life our lives always dwelling on the past or dredging up the pain from yesterday.’   It’s as if he thinks that I should just turn off my feelings or quiet my doubts because he’s tired of having to deal with my pain.  He doesn’t seem to understand how his affair affected me and continues to affect me.  It floored me.  It hurt me deeply.  It made me question my judgment, my marriage, and my ability to trust and to love.  I no longer feel like the same person in the same marriage.  I am trying to improve and move forward, but I certainly don’t like feeling rushed or being made to feel as if I’m not making progress fast enough.  I don’t think that any of this is fair.  How is it right that he gets to hurt me this way and then get impatient as I try to recover?  How can I make him understand how his affair affected me so that he has more patience during my recovery? Because every time I try to explain this to him, he says I’m dwelling on the past or holding onto the pain.”  I’ll address these concerns in the following article.

Actions That Probably Won’t Make Your Husband Understand How His Affair Affected You: Before I get into some things that might help with this situation, I’d like to go over some very common reactions and strategies, that, although understandable, often don’t work all that well.  Many wives will wonder if having their own affair will “force” their husband to see just how it feels to be cheated on.  So, many will consider cheating (or at least making their husband think that they are.)  I so rarely see this work or even not turn out to be a disaster. The husband is often so angry that he’s not in any position to feel any empathy for or try to understand the wife any better.  And the wife will often have even more baggage to carry and even more feelings and struggles to deal with.

Another thing to wives are often tempted to try in this situation is to attempt to communicate in a very dramatic way so that their husband has no choice but to listen or pay attention.  A wife will often tell me that she finally explodes and begins yelling things like: “do you have any idea how this feels?  Do you have any idea what it’s like to know that your spouse who was supposed to love, honor and cherish you slept with someone else?  Do you any idea what this does to your self esteem and your ability to trust?”  Although these are all valid questions which often might cause your husband to slow down and think, we often say them in such a way that he feels defensive rather than sympathetic.

Understand Why Your Husband Probably Doesn’t Completely Want To Know Or Understand Just How Deeply His Affair Affected You: Here’s something else I’d like for you to consider.  Even if your husband doesn’t realize this,  he often has a vested interested in downplaying just how devastating his affair has been to you.  He usually already feels a lot of guilt and remorse about his actions.  And he really wants to believe that you and will recover because this helps to alleviate some of his guilt.

So if he has to face the difficult truth that you are still hurting, still struggling, and not yet recovered from actions that he set into motion, then he still has to feel those negative feelings of guilt, shame and remorse all over again.  Often, the husband who cheated wants to feel better and wants to recover in the same way that his wife does.  But part of his being able to feel better about himself means that you feel better too.  So he’s often reluctant to admit or acknowledge when this isn’t happening.  But you can sometimes use this knowledge to your advantage.

Tips On How To Make Your Husband Understand The Multiple Ways That His Affair Has Affected You: I understand that you are extremely motivated to get your husband to understand the way that you feel and why you’re struggling.  But  you are more likely to get the result that you want if you can deliver the message with calm, measured words so that it’s clear that you’re not trying to hurt him, but are merely trying to make him understand you better.

So, at time when emotions aren’t boiling over and you are as calm as is possible, you might consider saying (or writing) something like:  “I know that both of us just want to feel better and want to move on.  I want that too.  But I want for you to understand why I’m struggling because of how deeply this affair has affected me.  I’m not telling you this to make you feel worse or continue to pin point blame.  My intention is for you to understand what I’m feeling so that hopefully you can help me to move forward so that we can both feel some relief eventually. But please understand that your affair has made me reluctant to trust you and my own perceptions.  I do want to move on and to trust again, but this is a struggle for me because when I did those things before, I was betrayed.  And I’m reluctant to offer my trust again because I never want to feel this type of pain again in the future.  This has made my doubt myself, my own desirability, and our ability to put our marriage first before we make decisions that might destroy it.  I’m not telling you this to paint a negative picture or to insinuate that we can’t or will never recover.  I just want for you to know how and why I’m struggling so that you will have patience with me and help me to move past this.  I’m asking you to imagine that it was you who were the one who was betrayed before you’re critical of my progress or lose your patience with me.”

I know that making him understand you and your struggles is difficult.  But sometimes, you just have to keep moving forward while continuing to have patience with yourself and demanding that you be given the time and space to heal.  Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, after a long struggle, I did eventually truly get over the affair. It didn’t happen overnight, but I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. If it helps, you can read more of that story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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Wives whose cheating husbands are non-committal or wishy-washy face additional challenges on top of the affair. Not only are these wives dealing with the aftermath of the cheating, but many of them also must deal with an uncertain future, since their husband doesn’t want to move out, but also won’t fully commit to saving the marriage either.

A wife in this situation might explain, ” I caught my husband cheating on me two weeks ago. I told him to get out of the house. He said that doing so would be a rash decision and that the house is his as much as it is mine. He said that because he hopes that we can ultimately save our marriage, he is staying put. But when I press him or how committed he is to doing whatever it takes to make me trust him again, he defers and says that we will have ‘to wait and see’ what happens. This is infuriating. If he can’t promise to be a better husband and make this right, then I don’t want him here. He argues that he is going to do his best, but also insists that my reaction and my attitude is not making that easy for him. This doesn’t hold water with me. If he can’t commit, I don’t get why he wants to stay here. He says the affair is over and I admit that he is staying home. Honestly, he is under my feet so much that I don’t know when he would have time to be with the other woman. So I am reasonably confident that it has ended. But until I see more enthusiasm from him, I’m not sure that I want him here.”

This is admittedly a very tricky situation. Obviously, if your husband is in any way abusive or if living together is dangerous or harmful, you’d want to contact law enforcement or legal counsel on how to safely move forward. Thankfully, that is not the case here and was not the case for me.

Advantages And Disadvantages of Living Under One Roof While Keeping An Emotional And Physical Distance Initially: I also wanted my husband out after his affair. Although we did spend time apart, we did not live apart long-term, mostly because my husband wanted to maintain access to the family. This created additional challenges. Honestly, he did commit to making things right, but his attempts at doing so didn’t always hit the mark. Because it was clear that he wasn’t going to willingly move out and because I truly didn’t want to blow up my family, I allowed him to access to our home. But, I also kept him at arm’s length sometimes.

For example, we did not sleep in the same bed. He did not have emotional or physical access to me. That didn’t come until much, much later – after he had proven to me that I could trust him and that he would do whatever rehabilitation was needed to make our marriage affair-proof. I made it very clear that I was not going to go through this process ever again and that if I had to, it would mean the end of our marriage without any questions asked. (That story is at http:surviving-the-affair.com)

Do I think that continuing to live together was an advantage or a disadvantage? Honestly, it was a bit of both. It was advantageous to my kids. They continued to have access to their dad and they continued to enjoy life as a family, although they could sense that things were different. It was beneficial that we could talk about issues from counseling or could have heart-to-heard talks at a moment’s notice. It was also helpful to have some of our most difficult conversations face-to-face since intent could have been easily misunderstood if we had tried to have these conversations via text or phone.

That said, sometimes my anger meant that things got volatile and it wasn’t always easy to take a break from one another in those circumstances. I took more walks during that period than I ever have in my entire life. I am sure that my husband often felt like he was mistreated and had nowhere to escape from that. But he claimed he wanted to be there and therefore was willing to hang in during those times.

They were not easy times. But I am not sure they would have been a piece of cake living apart, either. The recovery process is going to be painful if you live together or apart. One key benefit of living together was that it was easy for me to see that he was very unlikely to be cheating again. He was either home or at work. He no longer traveled or even went out with friends while we were in recovery. That did offer me some reassurance.

But make no mistake. My husband definitely had to prove many things to me before I gradually began giving him emotional and physical access to me again. That is how I kept control of the situation, even as we continued to live together.

Gradually Moving Forward: So how did we get from living under the same roof as roommates and in some cases strangers to living like a married couple again? Very gradually. Honestly, we often took a few steps forward and several steps back. I do not think there is an immediate fix here. There is work and rehabilitation that needs to be done, and both take some time and patience. Would I live under the same roof if I had to make this decision again? Probably. But I believe it was right to limit his access to me initially. Otherwise, what would have been his incentive to rehabilitate and offer me what I needed? If a man can continue to enjoy all of the benefits of your marriage, how likely is he to really work or change?

I know that this is a difficult situation. But in my experience, it can work, so long as both people respect boundaries and approach it as a team effort. He might not be giving you a firm commitment, but he hasn’t moved out, either. To me, that says he has not abandoned the relationship and wants to explore salvaging it. Assuming you are still somewhat invested in the marriage, this has to be preferable than him quickly abandoning the ship. You can keep him at a distance until you are seeing the effort that you are looking for from him. If it helps, my story is here.

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By: Katie Lersch: Sex after an affair is one of the most common topics that is brought up by people who read my blog.   There can be a lot of awkwardness, confusion, and questions about resuming your sex life after one spouse has been unfaithful.  And, there’s a lot at stake here because when sex goes wrong after infidelity, often one or both people read a lot into this and become very discouraged.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband had a 3-month affair a couple of months ago.  When I found out, I gave him a choice.  End it immediately and do whatever I needed to save our marriage or keep it up and lose me.  He said that he didn’t want to lose our family so he broke it off.  However, although I can tell that he’s trying to work on our marriage, he doesn’t want to have sex with me.  He doesn’t come right out and say this but he’s made no sexual advances toward me since I found out about the affair.  And when I make advances toward him, he rebuffs me or tells me that it’s ‘too soon.’  This hurts me deeply because I worry that he doesn’t find me desirable or that I no longer turn him on.  I also worry that he doesn’t want me because he’s still thinking about her.  Why would a husband not want to have sex with his wife after an affair?”  There are actually many possible reasons for this, which I will discuss below.

He May Not Want To Have Sex Because He’s Worried That It Will Be Awkward:  Sometimes, men back off of having sex because they worry that when you are in the act, you are going to be thinking about or worrying about the other woman.  They worry that you will get upset during this and will be emotionally hurt.  Also, they often intuitively know that if sex doesn’t go well, this might make one or both of you worry that the spark is gone or that the affair has damaged your marriage and your chemistry so much, that it might not ever recover.

He Might Worry That You Will Be Turned Off Or Upset During The Act:  Some men worry that once sex actually takes place, you will become upset or overwhelmed.  It’s one thing to kiss and cuddle, it’s quite another when you are actually having intercourse after infidelity.  Sometimes, it is quite emotional and your husband might be trying to avoid this until you have healed or recovered more.

His Guilt May Be Telling Him That He Doesn’t Deserve It: Another possibility is that your husband feels very guilty and feels as if he doesn’t deserve your willingness to have sex with him.  He may feel as if he needs to earn back your trust before he even thinks about deserving to be intimate with you again.

His Emotions May Be All Over The Place:  There’s an assumption that men are willing to have sex anywhere and anytime no matter what the circumstances.  There is also a perception that while a woman needs an emotional connection or to feel emotionally healthy before she can have sex, a man doesn’t need any emotional connection whatsoever.  This isn’t the case for all men.  Some have issues being intimate when they are struggling emotionally.  And, believe it or not, men can be emotionally torn after an affair.  They can have some confusion and a large sense of regret. And this can bring about emotions that just make sex at that time feel wrong.

He May Be Posturing:  I’ll mention one final possibility, although this one is less common.  Sometimes, his holding off on having sex is part of a strategy.  Sometimes, he knows that you have the power in the marriage right now because of his affair.  And sometimes, he will try to regain some of this power by holding off sexually.  He figures if he can make you pursue him, he won’t have as much making up to do. And you have to decide if you’re going to want to allow him to do this.

How To Respond When He Doesn’t Want To Have Sex After Infidelity:  I know that this is probably not what you want to hear.  But honestly, I feel that it is best not to push if you are encountering resistance. There is plenty of time to resume your sex life and you are so much better off waiting until things are right between you.  I believe that it’s important for the sex to be good after the affair.  And it probably won’t be very good if one or both of you aren’t sure or feel uncomfortable.

So the next time that he resists, you may want to say something like: “I can see that you’re not completely comfortable.  I think that it’s better for us to wait and make sure that we are both ready rather than to push it.  I am confident that we will both know when the time is right.  And I’m also confident it will be worth the wait.”  Then, just get on with your healing.  Many men will see you back up and then they will start pursuing you, at which point you’ll need to make another decision about how best to proceed.

I know that this is difficult.  But I strongly advocate waiting until you know, without any doubt whatsoever, that the time is right.  You don’t want to have sexual issues in addition to the infidelity issues.  A good sex life can help with the healing.  And an awkward one can delay your progress.  I have to admit that I held off for a while after my husband’s affair.  It just felt necessary and, since we did save our marriage and are happy today, I feel that it was the right call.  If it helps, you can read about my recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: It’s very common for me to hear from wives who are struggling to explain to their husbands just how much his cheating or affair hurt them and caused them pain.  But often, their husband doesn’t react in the way that they were hoping for and they are looking for a way to explain their feelings so that he actually understands them.

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “I have repeatedly tried to explain to my husband the depth of and reasons for my pain after his infidelity, but he either doesn’t want to hear it or he’s not understanding what I’m saying.  Sometimes, I pour my heart out to him and try to explain how he has hurt me and all I get is blank stare back or empty assurances that he really is trying.  This is so frustrating to me because I need him to understand the extent of my pain so that I can have some reassurance that he’ll never cheat again.  I want him to understand why I sometimes act in the way that I do because of what a grave mistake he has made.  But part of me thinks that he’s unwilling or just incapable of hearing me.  How can I explain my pain in a way that he’ll actually understand and be willing to listen?”  I’ll address these concerns in the following article.

Pick The Right Time And Know That,  Once You Start Repeating Yourself, Your Words Lose Their Effectiveness: I hear from both wives who are faithful and husbands who are not on my surviving infidelity blog and I can tell you that if you are constantly talking about your hurt and pain, eventually, even the most sincere husband will begin to tune you out.  One reason for this is that no one wants to constantly be reminded of the pain that they have caused.  And husbands will often want to place their focus on moving on while the wife wants to place her focus on understanding and digging a little deeper.

This doesn’t necessarily mean that the husband doesn’t care about your pain or just doesn’t want to hear it.  But, at least sometimes, he hears your words as accusations.  He might constantly hear that his selfishness and weakness has hurt you deeply and this just isn’t a message that he wants to hear on a continual basis, day after day.  Men will often give comments like “she constantly wants to tell me how much the infidelity has hurt her.  I do believe and understand that and I’m sorry for it.  But, do I really need or have to listen to what an awful person I am every single day?  How many times does she need to explain where I went wrong or how awful I am before she will feel satisfied that she’s said it enough?  I tell her I’m deeply sorry.  I listen.  But it doesn’t seem to be enough and we repeat this process constantly.”

I’m not telling you this to imply that you can’t regularly discuss and try to work through the infidelity.  I’m telling you this because I want you to understand the obstacles that are in your way and the dynamics that are at play here.  If you really want your husband to listen and to take your words to heart, then sometimes you have to pick the right time and limit the message so that it has the maximum impact.

Consider What Your Husband Is Actually Going To Hear Before You Say The Words: I alluded to this in the previous paragraph, but sometimes the message that your husband hears has more to do with your tone and your delivery than the words that you say.  So you might say something like “your infidelity has hurt me deeply. It’s made me doubt your integrity and your love and commitment to me.  It’s affected my self esteem and my level of trust.  And I’m not sure when things are going to get any better.”

But what he hears is often something more in line with: “your poor decision to cheat on me has ruined my life and will probably ruin our marriage.  You are an awful, selfish person with very little impulse control.  And your actions have caused me so much pain that I might not ever fully recover.  Because of this, I am going to feel pain and resentment every time I look at you or even think of you.  And, this is going to be our lot in life from this day on because I don’t anticipate any changes.”

These examples might seem a little extreme, but they aren’t that far off from the comments that I hear.  An unfaithful husband can hear a message that you never intended.  And because of this, he is often somewhat resistant to that message. Of course, the wife will often take this to mean he isn’t listening or he just doesn’t care and so she will continue to repeat herself with more feeling. And of course, this just keeps the cycle going.  She doesn’t feel heard and he feels beaten down and neither person is getting what they want or need.

Chose The Right Time, Use A Bit Of Restraint, And Consider How What You’re Saying Is Being Received: If you think about it, what you probably really want is to feel heard.  You want for him to know, understand, (and even feel) your pain because if he does, he’s less likely to cheat again and more likely to show the remorse that so many of us really want and need. So, think about what’s most likely to accomplish this.

You don’t want to come across as too accusatory or too despondent because unfortunately, these things will contribute to him feeling defensive and to tuning you out.  Instead, you want to use “I” phrases so that it sounds as if you’re taking responsibility for your own feelings and you’re not just trying to lay on the blame or make him feel continuously guilty for the rest of his life.   And, you want to chose the time when your message is most likely to be heard.  You don’t want to try to explain yourself in the middle of a fight or when you’re main goal is to hurt him.

I’ve found that the message is often more likely to  be heard if you say it when things are going a little more positively and both people are calm. An example would be something like:  “if this is a good time, I’d like to briefly explain  how much your infidelity has hurt me.  I’m not doing this to punish you or to paint you as a horrible person.  I love you and don’t think you’re an awful person, but I need to feel as though you care enough to hear me. And I need to know that you truly understand so that you will hesitate to cheat again.  Having someone that you love more than anything betray you in this way is something that is more devastating and hurtful than I could have ever imagined.  It calls into doubt things about your marriage and yourself that are just devastating.   Can you even begin to put yourself in my shoes and imagine that the rolls were reversed?  Because I need to know that you understand how much pain I’m in so that we can begin to move forward once and for all.  I don’t intend to keep bringing this up, but before I move on, I need to know that you truly understand.”

Phrasing like this is much more likely to get the response and the understanding that you are after.  But you can only play this card so often before your husband begins to tune you out.  So once you’ve laid your cards on the table, it’s best to begin to move forward so that your husband can see that you’re sincere about not using your words to continuously punish him.

I understand that you’re looking for the right words, but often it’s the actions over time that really do make the difference.  It’s the tone, the consistency and the intent rather than the actual words.  But it took me way too long to learn this in my own life after my husband’s affair.  Eventually though, we did recover and we are very solid today.  If it helps, you can read about what helped us move forward after infidelity on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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I think it is fair to say that sometimes, both spouses crave normalcy after one of them has been caught cheating or having an affair. However, the definition of “normal” can vary between the spouses. Often, the faithful spouse sees normalcy as the ability to trust and feel safe again. And the cheating spouse craves the normalcy of physical contact and sex, when, at times, this is the last thing that the faithful spouse is pondering.

Thankfully, fulfilling one desire for normalcy can sometimes help meet another one. I’ll tell you what I mean momentarily. But first, here is a common complaint from a cheating spouse. A wife might say, “I made the biggest mistake of my life, and I cheated on my husband. I need to be very clear. I never checked out of my marriage. I never promised that I would give up my husband for the other person. It was a very short fling without any feelings involved. Still, my husband found out about it, and he is both furious and devastated. He acts like I have the plague. He won’t come near me, much less show me any affection. He’s admitted that he is not going to divorce or separate because of our children. But if we keep going at this rate, we will have a sham marriage. The other day, my husband let me hug him, but when I tried to take it further, he turned his head. I worry that I am never going to have sex with him again. How long before my spouse will sleep with me? Am I just going to have to be celibate if I want to say married after my affair?”

Probably not. I understand your impatience, but, as a faithful spouse who was also in this situation, I can tell you that pushing your spouse is not likely to speed up the process. In fact, it may make things worse. At the beginning of this article, I mentioned that the faithful spouse craves the normalcy of feeling safe enough to trust again. Not so coincidentally, this is often when a faithful spouse begins to have sexual feelings again – when he or she can trust. From my own experience and through speaking with many other couples, emotional recovery often comes before physical recovery.

Since an affair often means that your spouse has been sleeping with someone else, hopping back into bed with them is not always your highest priority, even when they pressure you or you really want to.

Why The TimeLine Varies: Marriages differ from one another in the same way that people do. While one faithful spouse may be comfortable returning to the marital bed within weeks, someone else may take months. I believe that most of the time, resuming sexual intimacy often coincides with the strengthening of emotional intimacy, but I concede that this observation does not hold true for every couple. What feels comfortable for one person may be unthinkable for someone else. Still, there are a few things that you can do to make your spouse feel a little safer. I will list them below:

Show Your Spouse That His / Her Needs Are Much More Important Than Yours Right Now: As hard as it may be to face, you may have to work hard to regain your spouse’s affection and trust. Yes, marital problems usually come down to mistakes and omissions by BOTH partners. However, the partner who cheats has arguably made the biggest mistake. So, the responsibility to fix it is larger for the cheating spouse. You must be accountable and you must make it clear that you will work tirelessly to make your spouse somewhat whole again. This often means tending to his / her emotional needs instead of worrying about your physical needs. I know that this may feel as if you are putting yourself on the back burner, but it will also sometimes mean that your needs are met more quickly because your spouse will perceive you as giving rather than selfish.  The last thing you want is to appear as if all you care about is sex – when sex got you into this mess in the first place.

Accept The Hugs For Now: If your spouse is allowing you to hug him or her, then gratefully accept whatever form of affection that they are willing to offer. You may have to get your physical fix through more innocent forms of touch right now. But if you are patient, supportive, and loving, this should not last forever.

Let It Happen Naturally, With The Faithful Spouse Taking The Initiative, If Possible: You must be open with your spouse about your stance on this. If you aren’t, they may think that you are no longer attracted to them, which isn’t what you want. So you want to be very clear and say something like, “I am willing to be patient for as long as it takes. We can take sex off the table until you are comfortable. I will wait for cues from you because the last thing that I want to do is pressure you. ”

Then, wait very patiently and offer support. You know that a hug will be accepted, so don’t try for any more right now. Let your spouse initiate additional contact. By the time my husband and I did resume our sex life, it was quite obvious that the time was right. Although this did require patience, it was better than having a bad or awkward experience that would have only increased our doubts.

Get Help If You Need To: It’s so important to have a plan for your recovery. Many couples make the mistake of thinking that time and patience is all that is needed. In my experience, it is not. Your spouse likely wants to see rehabilitation and a serious attempt to make this right. He or she doesn’t want to just sit there and wait for changes and realizations that are never going to come. If you want physical intimacy with your spouse, be willing to do the work and the rehabilitation. That is how good faith works. Sure, very few of us love counseling, self-help, or exposing our vulnerabilities, but if this is what you need to do, then there’s no time like the present.

My husband and I absolutely needed a rehabilitation plan. In fact, we had to regroup a couple of different times and try different things. Although that seemed frustrating at the time, it has ensured that our marriage has endured and even thrived. You can read that story at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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by: Katie Lersch: Many women who are dealing with a husband’s affair will tell you that the lying is one of the biggest issues to overcome. Processing the lies that he told you while the affair was going on can be extremely difficult. But dealing with his continued lies when the affair is out in the open can be even worse. I recently heard from a wife who was struggling with this issue.

She said, in part: “I’ve made it very clear to my husband that I won’t accept one more lie from him.  I have repeatedly told him that he needs to tell me the whole truth about the affair from this moment forward if he’s ever going to have the slightest chance of me ever trusting or believing in him again.   But I have found out that he is continuing to lie to me.  He’s leaving things out and he’s trying to make things sound more innocent than they actually were.  Why is he doing this?  Does he not intend to tell me the truth? Does he think I’m stupid? Does he think I’m not serious about demanding nothing but complete honesty from this day forward?  My sister says he’s just trying to tell me what I want to hear, but this isn’t what I want from him.  I want brutal honesty and I can’t understand why he won’t give this to me.  Why do men lie about the affair when they’re trying to repair their marriage?  Don’t they know that lying is what got them into this mess in the first place?”

Reasons Men Continue To Lie After An Affair: These are all extremely good questions.  I’m not a man who has had an affair so my answers will be based on my own experience with this topic, on research and on the interactions that I have with men on my infidelity blog.   Very often,  these men will tell you that they aren’t lying to be malicious.  In their own minds, they think that they are sparing you some pain and they are trying to set things up so that repairing the marriage becomes more likely.  They worry that you’re just saying that you want to know everything and that the second they give you what you supposedly want,  you’re going to use this information against them or will become even angrier.  In short, they are reluctant to make things worse.  Many men will tell the truth on the issues that they think are the least damaging.  And they will stretch the truth or lie on the things that are likely to get you the most upset or hurt you the most.

I’m not defending these men or insinuating that they have legitimate reasons for their lies.  I’m telling you this to give you some perspective on why they might still be unwilling to tell you the whole truth.  Sometimes, you have to understand the context in which the lies are told.  In their minds, when they lied during the affair, they were deceiving you, but when they are lying now, they are trying to protect you.

What Should You Do When Your Husband Continues To Lie About The Affair When You’re Trying To Save Your Marriage?: Many women in this situation don’t really care why their husband continues to lie.  They just want him to tell the truth.  And they want to know how to accomplish this when he’s apparently too scared or too unwilling to start telling the whole truth.  As tempting and as deserved as it may be, sometimes the worst thing that you can do is to become angry, lose control, or make threats.

This is likely to make your husband defensive.  And your anger may well reinforce his fear that no matter what he does, you’re going to remain angry so it’s better to just keep quiet.   So one thing that you must overcome is his belief that he just can’t win.  It can help to ask yourself what you absolutely have to know and to then focus on those things in the beginning.  Sometimes, you will get better results if you allow him to tell you things gradually so that things don’t get too overwhelming for either of you.

And as he begins to see that it’s “safe” to tell you the truth and believes that you are being truthful when you say that things will be better for him when he’s brutally honest, then he will be more likely to do just that.  (When you’re insisting that your husband be totally honest, make sure that you are prepared to hear this truth.  It’s very common for us wives to say that we want to know everything, only to become enraged or resistant when we do hear the very thing we’ve asked for.)  I’m not saying that he doesn’t deserve your anger.  But I am saying that you have to understand that your anger is the last thing that he wants when he’s trying to repair your marriage. And you’re asking him to do something that he knows is going to further jeopardize his marriage.

So, my suggestion is always to start small and gradually.  Sometimes this means delaying the things that you know are going to cause the biggest problems.  You might start by requesting the truth about the smaller issues.  And once he complies, you then try your best to respond to them as best as you can so that eventually, he will feel safe being honest about the bigger things.   Because his knowing that transparency is what you really want and need will go a long way towards his being willing to do what you have asked.

He has to understand that his honesty is one of the components necessary to repair his marriage.  That way, if he truly is serious about saving the marriage, he will eventually begin to lie less and less.  And when you catch him lying, rather than blowing up or making threats, you might reply with something like: “we both know that you are not telling me the truth.  I have to stress to you that I need complete honesty in order to feel safe repairing our marriage.  Trust is a big issue for us right now and honesty is necessary for this trust.  Can you rethink your response?  I understand that you don’t want to make things worse, but I’d rather deal with the difficult issues than to continue to wonder if I can believe or trust you.”

He may not immediately come forward with the whole truth.  But hopefully gradually as he begins to believe that it’s safe to begin to tell you things about which he was unsure, you should see some improvements in his level of honesty.

I hope you don’t think I’m defending husbands who have affairs.  I’m not.  I have gone through this myself and I know how difficult it is.  But I also know that it’s possible to get through it.  My marriage is actually better today after my husband’s affair.  It took a lot of work and we had to work a lot on honesty.  But it was worth it in the end.  If it helps, you can read more about how was able to move on at my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from people who are struggling to restore their confidence or self esteem after their spouse has cheated or had an affair. Often, they will tell me that they are a completely different person after the affair.   And many intuitively know that in order for their marriage to survive, they are going to need to effectively deal with these insecurities.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband cheated on me with a much younger, much prettier woman. When I found out, he said he would break things off and it appears that he did. We have been working on our marriage and I feel like we’re making a little bit of progress. But I do have problems with being very insecure. This wasn’t an issue for me before he cheated. Yes, I’m older, but so is he. I take relatively good care of myself and I feel like I’m relatively decent looking. But I can’t compare with someone who is much younger, prettier and skinnier than me. My husband says the affair wasn’t about her looks. He says it was about his own desire to be young and desirable again. But what does that mean for me? I can’t change my age. So I can’t make him feel young around me. And now every time we’re out and there’s a young, pretty girl, I feel insecure. I worry that my husband is staring at younger women and I find this a little disturbing and pathetic. And then and I look in the mirror and I see an aging, miserable woman. The sad thing is that before he cheated, I actually liked what I saw in the mirror. I would never want to be young again because I am so much wiser than I used to be. At the same time though, my husband has proven to me that he likes eye candy and he will pursue a younger woman. He tells me that he loves and is still attracted to me, but how am I supposed to believe this when he’s proven otherwise?” I will try to address these concerns in the following article.

His Infidelity Doesn’t Change Anything About You Or Your Physical Appearance: I know that you might think that this is easy for me to say, but it really isn’t. I was in the same situation that you are. And I too looked in the mirror and worried if I was pretty and sexy enough. But here’s something that I didn’t realize at the time and you may not either. Your attractiveness and sex appeal before and after the affair have not changed at all. Your looks aren’t going to change in a few months time. But your perception of those looks can change. Because your confidence has taken a hit. It’s so important to understand that nothing about you has changed except for your circumstances and your perceptions.  And, the good news is that you have control of both.

Ways To Erase Or Deal With Your Insecurities After Your Spouse Cheated Or Had An Affair: I’m not silly enough to think that this is a “mind over matter” issue or that if you just give yourself a big enough pep talk, this issue will be over for you. I know from experience that just relying on positive thinking doesn’t work. I also know from my own life that in order to believe that your husband loves and finds you attractive, then you yourself must absolutely believe this yourself. Because if you believe that you aren’t good enough, or pretty enough, or alluring enough, then it truly doesn’t matter what your husband says or how sincerely he says it. You are not going to believe him anyway.

That’s why whatever you try must include self work. If you had confidence before the affair and only find your confidence shaken because of the infidelity, your job will be a little more easy. As your marriage heals and time shows you that your husband is sticking around because he wants to, then you will begin to get a little of you swagger back. Because in truth, very few people are going to stay with someone to whom they are not attracted, especially for the long term. So time has a way of restoring your confidence because you know that he won’t and can’t fake it forever.

In the meantime, you can help this process by being very kind to yourself. If there are issues about your appearance that bother you, there is nothing wrong with addressing them. However, never use this as an excuse to beat yourself up. Surround yourself with kind, loving, and supportive people, including yourself.

And, if some of your insecurities existed long before your husband acted inappropriately, you will usually have a little more work to do. A very wise counselor once told me that an affair doesn’t have to do with a person’s love for their spouse. It usually is at least partly due to a lack of self esteem on the part of one or both of the spouses. When I first heard this, it confused me and made me a little angry. However, after I thought about it for a while, I realized that my own insecurities had always plagued my marriage. I had long acted out of fear and lack because I didn’t believe that I was a good enough mother, daughter, or wife. And this gravely affected me in many areas of my life.

I would never claim to be grateful or even OK with my husband’s affair, but I am able to look back and admit that some good came out of it. One example is that I was forced to look at my insecurity issues and then not only acknowledge them, but to fix them. It was to my benefit to form my own career and to address things about myself that I didn’t particularly like. Doing this helped with my healing but it also improved my marriage.

And once I made progress, when my husband told me I was lovable, or beautiful, or sexy, I believed him. Because it was the first time that I believed it about myself.  I know that feeling insecure after the infidelity is very painful, but vow to move through it.  Because if you use the insecurities as a catalyst to change what isn’t working, then you’ve flipped this and used to your advantage and your marriage, your happiness level, and your peace of mind will be much higher as the result.  If you’d like to read about how this worked in real life, you’re welcome to check out my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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It’s not uncommon for men who have an affair to undergo dramatic changes in their appearance. Suddenly, they begin to care more about their clothing, hygiene, exercise habits, and overall game. But, are these changes because of the affair, a symptom of the affair, or only contributing factors? In the case of weight loss, many experts believe that this change in appearance can come BEFORE the affair, or at least because of it.

A wife might explain, “I should have known something was up when my husband suddenly lost weight after staying the same weight for years. To be fair, his doctor gave him a firm talking to and told him that some of his health issues are weight-related. So, he may have initially lost the weight for his health. But I do feel as if him changing physically may have contributed to his cheating on me. Suddenly, he thinks that he looks irresistible. And now he is lecturing me about my own weight. I am not a couch potato. But I don’t take workouts to the extreme the way that he now does. I have some girlfriends who have gone through the same process after their own husbands lost weight. Are men more likely to cheat after losing weight? Do they suddenly become vain and think that their wife is no longer good enough?”

An Average Six Pound Weight Loss: There is definitely evidence that suggests that men are more likely to lose weight either before or after an affair. One study suggests that men lose an average of six pounds while carrying on an affair. Why? Because the dishonesty and secrecy required to carry out an affair are stressful and because they suddenly care more about their appearance.

Weight Loss May Inspire A Man To Reject His Marriage: Furthermore, according to a 2018 study by weight loss surgeons, weight loss often increases both separations and divorces as well as the beginning of new relationships. People who have lost weight may have a newfound confidence that makes them willing to pursue a new relationship or end a current relationship that they feel is stale or toxic.

(I’m not saying that your marriage actually is stale or toxic. I’m only stating that your husband may perceive it and way and his actions might them be motivated by this thinking.)

Many Factors Contribute To Infidelity: Both of the studies above offer pretty compelling evidence that weight loss can precede or follow an affair, but I’m not sure that every man who attempts to lose weight should suddenly come under suspicion. There are many “tells” when someone is cheating. And there are many reasons that people cheat. Weight loss is only one of them and not all people who cheat loose weight. Plus, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be healthy. And totally innocent men who are working out but may try to inspire their wives to get healthy. This doesn’t always mean that a man is cheating. But adding the weight loss issue onto the infidelity issue gives a wife just one more issue to deal with.

Still, I’ve had many men honestly discuss the reasons behind their cheating with me. None of them mentioned weight loss only. It is often a combination of factors.

Where To Go From Here: It would be easy to see the weight loss as something that must end in the hopes that the affair will also end. But I’m not sure you ever want to get yourself in a situation where you actively discourage a spouse’s good habit or attempt to follow doctor’s orders.

Instead, you want to see the affair and the weight loss as two separate things. One is fine in moderation. The other most definitely is not. There are plenty of health-conscious husbands who take care of their bodies, maintain a healthy weight, and work out without cheating on their wives. In fact, many therapists will tell you that two strong, healthy spouses will make the strongest marriage. So, assuming that you are still invested in your marriage, you probably do want to encourage your spouse to be his best self, as long as he doesn’t think that this makes him incompatible with your best self and with your marriage.

If you determine that you want to save your marriage, I would tackle the affair issue before I would even address the weight loss. Because they are really two separate issues and one is probably just a symptom of the other – or at the very least not the sole cause of the affair.

Working through an affair is difficult, but it is not impossible. I have done it. (You can read about that at http://surviving-the-affair.com)There were days that I would not wish on anyone, but we did get through this. Complete healing didn’t always happen as quickly as I wanted it to, but it did happen. And today, my husband and I work out and try to stay healthy together. It is a way that we spend time together, even if we maintain our weight using different methods. I am not a weight lifter and he does not enjoy pilates, but that doesn’t mean we can’t share the experience sometimes.

To answer the original question, yes, studies do indicate that cheating husbands are more likely to lose weight. But this doesn’t mean that every man wanting to be healthy will cheat. Nor does it necessarily mean that the weight loss caused the cheating. And it can give you one more issue to deal with in recovery, but this doesn’t mean that you should villainize the weight loss so that your husband feels that you don’t support his health. His cheating already gives you plenty to address and overcome.

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I don’t think it’s an understatement to say that most wives who catch their husband having an affair want him to be remorseful and repentant. They want him to be angry at his own behavior and disappointed in himself. A husband who acts counter to this is walking on dangerous ground because it shows a disregard for the severity of his mistake.

Even worse, some husbands don’t just hide their remorse, they actually become somewhat indignant or even conceded about the affair. A wife might say, “honestly, my husband does not seem the least bit remorseful after I caught him cheating on me. Instead, it’s almost as if I should be impressed by his actions – or at the very least, it’s almost like I should forget about them. The other day, my husband was complaining about his boss because he has been asking my husband to cover for him when he is out with his mistress. My husband said this behavior demonstrates why his boss is a bad person. Never once did my husband connect the dots that he too is a cheater. By his own definition, he too would be a bad person. Yet, he has never once lowered himself to apologize to me. He acts as if I need to make something up to him. He acts as if he is the wronged party. Anytime I try to bring up the affair or our recovery from it, he acts as if I am dragging out old news or that I am determined to make our lives miserable. Believe it or not, I don’t enjoy being unhappy. But I can’t pretend that his behavior is anything but deplorable. And I resent that he acts as if other people are always at fault while being high and mighty about his own behavior and self-importance. If he wasn’t my husband, I would call him a jerk. What is the best way to handle this when I’m painted as an instigator when I try to initiate a discussion?”

Looking At Your Options: Honestly, I believe the best way to handle it would be to allow a counselor to pin him to the wall. You can’t recover without having these conversations and without insisting on honesty. But, if you allow a counselor to insist on these things, then you are in the clear. Let a professional be the one to demand that he see reality. This keeps your hands clean and you will get the reckoning that you need and deserve.

If he refuses counseling, there are self-help books that you can work through. And you can still play innocent when you get to the parts of the book that demand accountability.

But what I believe you should not do (based on my own experience) is allow him to wiggle his way off the hook and to paint you as the aggressor when you only want what you deserve. Allowing this sleight of hand will leave you frustrated and resentful. What most wives in this situation truly want is a husband who is self-aware and remorseful enough to come to the table willing to do the work toward recovery. That said, sometimes it is human nature to try to wiggle out of your responsibilities or to try to walk away from the mess that you have made (assuming that you can get away with it.)

Addressing His Behavior Without Going To Battle: It is up to you to decide if his behavior and stance are acceptable to you. If they are not, you have to figure out a way to communicate the same without going to war over it because in that case, he might shut down completely. You have to be careful that you don’t allow him to paint you as unreasonable when all you are asking for is what is fair.

So, figure out his own currency. He hasn’t left this marriage. He’s posturing, which means that he still cares enough to try to gain the upper hand so that he is comfortable while remaining in the marriage. The next time he asks something of you, tell him that you will comply just as soon as he completes the self/help, goes to counseling or is willing to talk about and work through the aftermath of the infidelity. There has to be something that he wants for which he is willing to trade for his cooperation. Find that thing and then respond with your offer of trade.

Do not raise your voice. Do not act as though you are scolding him. Simply state your terms and then re-iterate that you want your lives to return to a normal, happy place, but such a move is not possible without responsibility and rehabilitation. It is better if you don’t bitterly argue or use force. Just keep repeating what you need and then pleasantly offer up his currency when he complies. Before long, he will realize that you aren’t trying to repeatedly punish him and you are not asking for the impossible.

When he sees that you are not only reasonable, but that complying with your requests makes life easier (and happier) for everyone, he will hopefully give up the high and mighty act and get down to the business of repairing your marriage with mutual respect and cooperation.

If it helps, I think that most husbands take this approach because they are embarrassed and they are trying to save face. He’s likely fully aware that he is being a jerk, but he’s hoping to get you to accept less than you deserve because that feels a lot more comfortable to him. But, if you accept this, then the discomfort will shift to you, which is unfair and hurtful. Unfortunately, the faithful spouse often has to learn to advocate for herself to get what she needs. I know that this is difficult.  My husband tried this early-on, but I was never going to accept it.  You can read about how we worked past the affair at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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It’s common to struggle mentally after finding out that your spouse has been cheating or having an affair. Some (like myself) become depressed and stagnant. I’ve had women tell me that they struggle to get out of bed, complete their day-to-day activities, or practice any form of self-care.

I’ll hear comments like, “I’ve never struggled with my mental health as much as I am right now, and I have been through some dark days. But nothing compares to how I feel right now after finding out my husband has been cheating on me. There have been some weekends when I haven’t even bothered to get out of bed. There have been times when I’ve allowed my kids to play videos or watch movies all day because I didn’t have the energy to deal with them. I haven’t worked out in weeks. My house is a mess. I don’t know how to pull myself out of it. My friends tell me that they are concerned about me. Frankly, I am concerned about myself.”

I will offer some tips that helped when I struggled similarly after my own husband’s affair. However, before I do that, I have to stress that I encourage everyone to consider counseling. Sometimes, you just need it and there is no substitute for it. With that said, here are some tricks that helped move my inertia, stagnation, and depression, after my husband’s affair.

Understand That Self-Care Should Be An Essential Right Now: I felt so horrible in the days and weeks after I found out about the affair, that I told myself I could only handle essential tasks. I HAD to do things like drive the kids to school, perform adequately at my job and show up for other obligations that I had. But I didn’t think that I needed to allocate any “extras” to myself because I just didn’t have the time and energy for that. I now realize that I was very wrong about this. And it wasn’t until I did learn to prioritize myself that I began to feel better.

Define “The Bare Minimums” of Self-Care and Stick With Them: Everyone knows that they have to maintain the essentials that I have listed above: family, job, obligations, etc. But, commit to what will be your bare minimum for self-care and necessary routines. Of course, you can do extra if you happen to feel well. But, even at your worst, make a promise to yourself that you will always maintain the bare minimum. Here is what that looked like for me: shower, wear basic make-up (at least foundation and blush,) take a daily walk (even if only a short one,) eat at least one healthy meal, keep the house picked up (if not entirely clean,) and try to maintain regular sleep and wake schedules. I found that by maintaining my bare minimums, I didn’t allow myself to fall so far outside of my regular routine that I sunk even lower. For me, routines are everything. They offer stability and a rhythm to your life. I knew that without them, I would have been truly lost.

Use The “Just Five Minutes Rule:” I completely understand that it is very hard to do those “shoulds” that are staring at you when you don’t really care about them because you’re struggling after the affair. However, after a while, things begin to pile up, and this only adds to your feelings of helplessness. So it is important to at least try to keep up with things. I learned that I could trick myself into getting moving by using the “just five minutes rule.” Here is an example. I’d be faced with a mountain of laundry that I hadn’t put away. I really didn’t feel like doing it, but having to look at it all of the time was pretty draining. So I’d tell myself, “Ok, I’ll put away the laundry for five minutes because that’s about all I can do.” Sometimes, I would literally put on my phone’s timer for five minutes and do only that. Other times, I would finish the task even if it went over five minutes and I’d feel better.

“Just One Thing:” Another little mind trick you can try is the “just one thing” per day mantra. Again, self-care was very hard for me. However, intellectually, I knew that it was good for me and that it might just be the key to feeling better. So I’d tell myself that I would do “just one thing” extra – just for me. I made sure it never took very long. Some days, it would be the space to write in a journal. Other days, I might stop at a grocery store on the way home and brought myself a single flower or bakery treat. But I tried to be kind to myself once per day. I didn’t always succeed. But it helped to know that I mattered enough to make the effort for myself.

I understand that this is a very difficult time and I know it’s easy to feel as if you are buried underneath tasks for which you don’t have the energy or time. Some days, I felt outraged that the world just kept going during my family’s personal crisis, but that is just the way life works. Mind hacks like “only five minutes,” “just one thing,” or “the bare minimum” can keep you moving forward and maintaining important routines and obligations even when it is very difficult. We don’t realize how important these things are until they are gone. So, do not give them up! Use these little mind tricks to keep them at all costs. If it helps, you can read about my recovery at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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