Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

Most people believe that they have a good idea of how cheating might affect the faithful spouse. For example, if a husband has cheated on his wife, many people assume that the wife will become angry, bitter, and unable to let go of her anger. And, in some cases, this is true – at least for a little while.

However, BOTH spouses can go through a series of both expected and unexpected emotions that have long term effects on a person’s life. This article will outline what you might see from both the faithful and unfaithful spouse.

The Faithful Spouse: There is a reason that the stereotypical idea of a faithful spouse’s behavior persists. Most of us have strong opinions about how we would feel or react if our own spouse was cheating on us. It’s easy to imagine the shock, anger, devastation, and self-doubt that such an act might cause. We can all identity and empathize with this. And yes, many faithful spouses (myself included) feel many of the emotions that everyone expects of us. Yes, we feel rage, embarrassment, self-blame, self-pity, struggling self-esteem, grief, and sadness. Very often, we direct at least some of our anger at ourselves because we’re frustrated that we allowed this to crop up in our marriages or that we didn’t see it coming.

Unfortunately, many faithful spouses have to grapple with a cheating spouse who is attempting to re-write their marital history. In order to justify cheating, sometimes the unfaithful spouse will try to lay some of the blame onto the faithful spouse. He’ll claim the marriage was struggling or that the faithful spouse wasn’t attentive or present. These accusations can intensify the pain and betrayal, especially when the faithful spouse knows the accusations aren’t true.

Occasionally, the faithful spouse may feel emotions that people do not expect. Some are embarrassed not for themselves, but for their husbands. These women sometimes eventually find humor in the situation. Some feel relief. They’d suspected their spouse of cheating and he’d denied it, calling them paranoid or crazy. So to have validation that you are not crazy can feel pretty good. Some wives wanted out of an unhappy marriage, so the cheating gives them the excuse to exit.

My point is that the experiences of the faithful spouse after an affair can be unique as the spouses themselves. Some struggle for a long time afterward. Others get on with their lives fairly quickly. Some leave their marriages immediately. And others fight for them and are happy that they did (I am in this category.)

The Cheating Spouse: Like with the faithful spouse, there is also the stereotypical view of the cheating spouse. People assume that this is a middle-aged man who is giddy to suddenly feel desired again. And, to be sure, some people who cheat do fit this stereotype. Regardless of the situation, many people do feel glee in the initial stages of an affair. However, this rarely lasts. Soon enough, reality sets in with all the guilt, shame, and embarrassment that comes with it.

This behavior can bring about self-loathing as the cheating spouse struggles to explain his poor judgment. Unfortunately, it’s rare for cheating to remain a secret. Soon enough, friends, family members, co-workers, and members of the community are well aware of the cheating and ready to pass judgment about it. Children can completely turn their back on a cheating spouse. In these cases, infidelity can ruin the parental relationship forever.

Understandably, the faithful spouse can also retreat or keep their distance, making the cheating spouse feel as if he has nowhere to turn. Adding to this frustration, the cheating spouse can sincerely want to make up for his actions, but he will never be given the chance because the anger runs so deep. Some people will feel that this type of betrayal can never be made right. That is why some cheating spouses describe their cheating as “a mistake I will have to pay for the rest of my life.” In some cases, this is a true statement.

It is very rare for anyone to exit an affair unscathed. The cheating and faithful spouse often experience intense pain that can last for some time. If anyone reading this is considering cheating or has just started an affair, my hope would be that this article gives you pause so that you either never cheat to begin with, or that you end the affair immediately.

There is almost never an upside to cheating. And the downside can follow both you and your innocent partner around for years. It’s just not worth the pain, which, incidentally, is completely avoidable. I hope this article has shown that there is a wide variety of emotions and consequences that follow infidelity, with most of them being negative.

That doesn’t mean that a person can’t recover. They can. But it is easier and less painful to avoid the situation altogether. You can read about how we recovered from the affair at http://surviving-the-affair.com  But, I would never tell anyone that the recovery was easy.

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I often hear from spouses who are hearing various excuses as to why their spouse cheated or had an affair. Most of the time, the excuses are somewhat questionable. However, sometimes a spouse may claim a medical excuse for cheating, which can make the faithful spouse re-evaluate her stance. One example is having a mental condition like bipolar disorder.

A wife might explain, “after my husband went to see a counselor about his affair, the counselor turned around and diagnosed him with bipolar disorder. Now he is claiming that he cheated on me because he was manic. I am not so sure that I buy this as anything other than a convenient excuse and here is why. This was his first visit to a counselor’s office because he has never had any mental health issues before. Before I caught him cheating on me, nothing in his behavior was out of the ordinary. My husband has never expressed a belief that he had any mental issues. It is only now, in midlife, and after being caught cheating, that he is suddenly worried about his mental health. Having said all this, I don’t want to be the wife who doesn’t support her husband in sickness and in health. I don’t know how I can just tell him that not only do I not believe him but that I don’t support his treatment. I would look awful if I did that. So is there anything to people cheating when they are bipolar? Is it believable for someone to get this diagnosis in middle age?”

I will try to answer these questions from a layperson’s point of view, but I would suggest that you go to your husband’s next appointment and direct these questions to his doctor. It is always a great idea to educate yourself about anything a spouse (or any family member) is dealing with.

That said, I have a little bit of experience with this issue as I have a friend who was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in midlife and as she approached menopause. And she, too, was unfaithful during a manic episode. I can share what I have witnessed in her situation and I can tell you why I believe she was able to fix her marriage afterward.

Midlife Bipolar Disorder: The median age for the diagnosis of bipolar disorder in one’s mid-twenties. However, it is not at all uncommon to get a diagnosis earlier or later than this. In fact, there is a subsection of people who are diagnosed after age sixty. This is called “late-onset bipolar disorder.” A 2015 study indicated that twenty-five percent of people with bipolar disorder fall into this category, either because they were previously misdiagnosed or because they did not exhibit symptoms until later in life.

In my friend’s case, she believes that the hormonal changes leading up to menopause may have been a contributing factor. She may never know if her theory is true, but she felt much better after finding a medication regimen that worked in combination with hormone replacement therapy.

Deciding How (Or Whether) The Cheating Fits Into The Diagnosis: I completely understand not wanting to excuse a partner’s cheating regardless of any medical condition. As a wife who has been cheated on, I know how important accountability truly is. That said, in my friend’s case, her husband did decide to take his wife’s diagnosis into account when deciding whether he wanted to save the marriage. Again, I can only pass along his reasoning. And I am not here to say if it was right or wrong. But his thinking went something like this: After speaking with her doctor, he came to believe that people in a state of mania do not have complete control over their actions. That’s why they participate in extreme behaviors while manic – such as obsessively shopping, staying up for days on end, or having sex with strangers. People in a manic state can also experience hypersexuality.

Another consideration was that my friend had never been unfaithful. In fact, before her symptoms emerged, she had been a loyal, committed wife and an outstanding mother. She told her husband about her actions immediately afterward and pleaded for help. She hid nothing, including her concern for her own sanity. She was also completely transparent about her symptoms and about her treatment throughout the process. She never used her bipolar disorder as justification for her actions, but she knew herself well enough to know that she would never have risked her family or her marriage if she had been functioning normally. My friend willingly took her prescribed medication and followed her prescribed protocol. She worked tirelessly to restore both her health and her marriage.

This story may have been very different if my friend had been a serial cheater, refused treatment for the bipolar disorder, and demanded that her husband not ask questions or not attempt to be involved in her treatment. In fact, the opposite was true. She wanted her husband with her every step of the way. She was an open book and wanted him to hold her accountable if she stopped taking her meds or following her protocol.

Again, as a faithful spouse, I don’t make a habit of excusing cheating behavior. I believe that most of the time, it is a choice. But I also know that a person experiencing mania will not make sound choices because they are not themselves. This is why they take medication – to stop the mania.

I am not a doctor but am merely passing along that it is possible to live well with bipolar disorder (with treatment) and it is possible to recover from infidelity. (You can read about how I recovered at http://surviving-the-affair.com)  Both will likely require effort, treatment, and two spouses who are committed to making it work. Please work with your spouse’s doctor to see that he gets the help he needs, regardless of how you want to proceed with your marriage. In fact, there is nothing wrong with waiting to make a decision about your marriage until you have educated yourself about what your husband is dealing with and supporting him through his treatment.

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I sometimes hear from wives who are considering unconventional ways to heal after their husband has an affair. One example is writing a letter forgiving the other woman.

A wife might explain, “I am not trying to downplay my husband’s affair. It was so painful, and I am not over it. But I am trying very hard to move on. About two weeks after I found out about the affair, the other woman sent a letter to me. She apologized for cheating with my husband. She claimed that she did not know my husband was married. I later found out that this was a lie. I saw notes between them where she mentioned our marriage. However, she is indeed a recent widow. I do feel compassion for that. I heard a podcast yesterday about the power of forgiveness. The host said that offering forgiveness to someone who has hurt and wronged you releases all of your pain. I want to let go of my pain. So I would like to forgive her. I am considering responding to her letter and telling her of my forgiveness. My husband thinks that this is a horrible idea. He says that I am just stirring things up and that the most compassionate thing is to leave her be. Is he right? Should I write this letter? Should I offer her forgiveness?”

I think that you are probably in the best position to answer your own question, but I can offer you my insights and my opinion. I agree that forgiveness can release some (although often not all) pain. I also believe that some of the time, we forgive for our own well-being and not necessarily for the benefit of the other person. We are not trying to let them off the hook. We are trying to free ourselves.

I have also chosen to forgive those who have hurt me. That said, I did not inform many of these people about that same forgiveness. Why? Because it was only necessary for those with whom I have a close relationship.

Here is an example. After much contemplation, I decided to forgive a somewhat abusive adult from my childhood. This person was extremely negative and belittling. While she was supposed to be caring for me, she caused great harm. However, continuing to think about the person and the harm she caused me was forcing me to re-live that awful time in my life. I was ruminating rather than healing. But, when I thought about the issue objectively, I knew that this person also had a very difficult life and background. She may not have had the skills to care for a child with compassion.

So, I decided to forgive her and to move on. This did provide me some relief. But, I decided that I was not going to share my forgiveness with her. I had already made the difficult decision to no longer include her in my life. I didn’t want to go backward. Frankly, I didn’t see any upside to bringing this person back into my life, even with a short conversation or letter. I wanted to forgive and move on. So that is exactly what I did.

To be clear, I did write a letter. I outlined all that she did to hurt me and then I forgave her for every bit of it. But I burned that letter once I finished it. I saw no need to go back to the past for her or for me.

And that would be my reservation for sending the other woman a forgiveness letter. I would be afraid that she would use this as an “in” to try to resume a relationship with your husband or even with you – neither of which would be healthy.

I believe that the best course of action for everyone (even her) is to move on. If you send her the letter, then she too is re-visiting the pain that she caused.

If you truly feel that you can’t move on and release the pain unless and until you have responded to her letter, then I would keep it very short. I would limit it to something like: “In response to your letter, I forgive you. But I wish to move on with my life. Although I wish you luck, I ask that you do not contact me or my family again for obvious reasons.”

Then, leave it at that. If the point of the forgiveness is for you to release the pain so that you can move forward, make sure you do just that. Don’t bring the other woman into your life in any way. And make good on your vow to use this as the starting point to getting on with your life. With any luck, she will do the same.

Conversely, when I forgave my husband, I told him. We had long conversations about it. The difference is that I still wanted him in my life. So, that forgiveness was worthy of deep discussion. You can read about our recovery and what helped with our reconciliation at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Since you do not want the other woman in your life, either offering the forgiveness on your own or offering it in a very limited way is probably the best course of action, at least in my opinion. This gives you the release but protects you against further injury.

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I hear from some wives who want to know what to say or how to talk to their husband after his infidelity. However, some wives don’t have this issue because their husbands are avoiding them. Once the affair was discovered, he exited the situation and has been absent ever since. Understandably, this is extremely frustrating.

A wife might say, “I questioned my husband about his behavior for six months before I caught him cheating. I knew that something was wrong. He was home much less. But, more than that, he was acting strange. He just wasn’t himself. I knew in my gut that he was cheating. But he vehemently denied this. Even worse, he tried to make me think I am crazy. He accused me of seeing signs that didn’t exist. So when I finally caught him cheating, I was both triumphant and furious, and I gave him a huge piece of my mind. I will admit that I berated him. I wish I had handled it more calmly. But my emotions just took over. My husband has been avoiding me ever since. He texted me the next day and said that he was in the process of breaking it off when I caught him. He said that he’s going to stay with family for a while. I expected him to stay with family, but I didn’t believe that he was ending the affair, and I told him so in my response. I can tell that he read my text, but he has not responded. So I tried to call him. He did not pick up. Since that time, I have texted and called repeatedly. I never get a response. I even went by where I believe he is staying. But his family said he wasn’t staying there. I think my husband asked his family member to lie. I’m so angry about this. I’m getting the run around when I did nothing wrong. Why is he trying to avoid me in this way?”

I can only speculate. But, it is very common for a cheating spouse to avoid the faithful spouse after the affair is out in the open. And there are several reasons for this, which I will list below.

Embarrassment / Shame: No matter how indignant and justified the cheating spouse may act, he likely feels some embarrassment and shame. After all, he insisted that he wasn’t cheating and you caught him doing exactly that. Being caught in a lie feels awful. But when the lie is about your marriage to a spouse who has already suspected you of betrayal, that’s dreadful. He may feel panic at the thought of facing you right now. He knows that his actions are embarrassing.

He’s Waiting For The Dust To Settle: Since you let him have it the last time you spoke, he may think that time may make your next conversation less combative. He may hope that time allows the situation to calm things down. Unfortunately, his avoidance may be making you angrier than a confrontation would. Although it may be tempting to try to force a meeting, doing so might put you at a disadvantage. Let me explain.

He May Be Posturing And Looking For An Advantage: It’s very obvious that you are the wronged party. Most people would assume that your husband is going to have to come to you, full of apologies. However, by avoiding you, he may hope that it is you who will come to him. By not giving you access to him, he is putting you in a position where you are the one who must reach out to him.

He May Not Know What He Wants Or How To Move Forward:  Your husband may realize that you are going to want to hear his plan moving forward.  In other words, you’re going to want to know what he wants to do about your marriage.  And, if he wants to save it, you’re going to want to know HOW he is going to make that happen.  What is he willing to do to regain your trust?  How is he going to rehabilitate himself?  He may not have those answers yet, which is one reason that he is avoiding you.

How To Approach This: How you proceed depends on your tolerance for patience. If you feel you have to see or hear from him right away, then I don’t know of any other option than to continue to try to reach out. But, if you are willing to be patient, then you can choose to let him come to you – whenever that might be.

Eventually, he will have to come to a decision and communicate the same to you. For example, if he wants a break or even a divorce, he’ll have to approach you. If he wants to reconcile, the same is true. He can’t avoid you forever.

If you’re willing to wait a while, you might try a communication like this: “It’s obvious that you’re not ready to communicate. You know where I am or how to get in touch when you are.”

You haven’t threatened him or offered to come to him. You haven’t given an ultimatum or looked desperate. Instead, you’re telling him that you are open to hearing what he has to say whenever he stops his avoidance.

Once he sees that avoidance is getting him nothing, he may be more willing to reach out.

Usually, he is reluctant about the reaction he is going to get from you. Or he is trying to position himself more favorably. He likely knows that he owes you an explanation and an apology, but he is afraid of your reaction when he offers these things. Delaying this isn’t necessarily going to make things any better. But he may think that it is.

You don’t necessarily owe him a guaranteed reaction. Nor are you required to come to him.  So, if neither of those things appeal to you, then you can wait.  And know that waiting doesn’t mean that you have to tone down your reaction or your requirements moving forward.  His avoidance does not change what has happened – or what should happen in the future.  If it helps, you can read about how I dealt with my own husband after his affair at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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It’s easy to tell that this blog caters to wives who are dealing with infidelity. That is my experience, so that is the viewpoint from which I write. It’s very easy for me to write for these wives because I have been there and I know how they feel.

However, I have dialogued with the “other woman,” and I have fielded questions from people in this category. So occasionally, I write articles that address this audience. I also find that wives are often curious about the views and feelings of the other woman. Although it’s easy to view the “other woman” as a conniving, uncaring, temptress, this isn’t always accurate. Every situation is different.

Another Point of View: I often hear comments like this one: “I never intended to cheat with anyone. As stupid as it sounds, I didn’t realize that he was married. And I had fallen really hard once I found out. But, I did try to break it off. He refused to cooperate and pursued me. Then he told me that he would leave his wife. I know that I am a fool. But I love him. And in time, I want to be with him. I am prepared to deal with his kids and his parents if given the chance. But, will they ever give ME a chance? Will I always be the homewrecker? What do people really think of the other woman? Assuming I make him happy and am a good wife and step-mother, will I eventually be given a place at the table?”

An Honest Answer: I am going to be careful with my wording and try to provide an honest answer. I can only base my opinion on my first-hand knowledge of watching a friend’s situation (more on that below) and on what people said about “other women” when I was going through infidelity myself.

In many cases, public opinion is not kind. Sure, the other woman’s friends and family (who know her very well) may have objectivity and may side with her. But people who don’t know her (the husband’s family, loved ones, co-workers, friends, etc.) are more likely to judge her harshly, especially at first.

Sometimes, Whether Deserved Or Not, The Other Woman Pays A High Price: I have a friend who falls into this category, and I have watched first-hand as she has paid a heavy price for her infidelity. She went to a high school reunion in the middle of a huge fight with her husband. She reconnected with her high school boyfriend and eventually divorced her husband and married the old boyfriend. However, for a short time, she was technically cheating on her spouse, because neither she or the boyfriend “came clean” immediately.

Even though she and her now-husband (who she cheated with) have been married for years, she will always be seen by many as a homewrecker. Her children have never accepted her new husband because they are well aware of the pain this relationship caused their father. Her in-laws will barely speak to her because they love her husband’s first wife. Her step-children are openly hostile. My friend is in pain over this situation, but she is not unique.

My friend is blamed whenever her now-husband’s children have any sort of issues – from lashing out emotionally to struggling in school. After all, all of the kids in this situation were uprooted from the home life they knew. The spouses in this situation were suddenly without a partner through no fault of their own. So yes, people tend to see the faithful spouses and the children as victims. And, to be fair, they are.  They got a very raw deal and they did nothing to deserve this.

Many people believe that it was the husband and the other woman who chose infidelity and who dealt the final blow to the marriage. That’s a painful reality for many family members, who won’t soon forget.

Interestingly, though, people tend to be harder on the other woman than on the husband. No one calls the man a homewrecker. Very few people paint the man as conniving in the way that they do the other woman. This is unfortunate and unfair, but it is the reality.

A Way Around This: Honestly, I only see one way out of these harsh perceptions. And that is to bow out of the affair immediately and allow the husband’s marriage to continue or end as it will -without any outside pressure or interference. In other words, if the husband truly does have a dreadful marriage that he wants out of, tell him that you can talk when and IF he is actually out of that marriage. But until then, you will not engage in adultery.

If he truly loves the other woman as much as he says, then he will untangle his marriage and be with her in time. In this situation, she will not be the villain, since it is the husband who chose to end the marriage of his own free will.

Of course, in some situations, the husband was exaggerating his awful marriage. And he won’t actually leave his wife. But, isn’t it better to know that before you ruin lives? If this is the case, the other woman has avoided being lied to and strung along.

In my friend’s case, she actually was very unhappy in our old marriage. But she is currently quite unhappy in her new marriage because neither of their families or social groups will accept their union. She freely admits that she should have pursued a divorce, let the dust settle, and healed herself and her kids first. Only then should she even thought about another relationship. If he had pursued this gradual, unhurried path, her kids would be much more likely to accept her husband now.

As someone who has been deeply hurt by another woman’s actions, I DO NOT advocate any unfaithful relationship. I am merely saying I am aware that the other woman does not always go into this with hurtful intentions. That said, and I say this very respectfully, if the other woman wants to be viewed favorably or fairly, her best bet is to end the affair the second she knows that it is actually an affair. If the husband truly loves her and is serious about ending his marriage, then the relationship can be re-visited into the future – when both parties are actually free and healthy to pursue the relationship.

Because any relationship built on deceit, secrecy, and betrayal already has much going against it. And it honestly puts the other woman at a disadvantage. If her goal is to be in a healthy relationship, she makes this less likely if that relationship is an affair.

If the relationship is really important, it should happen when both parties are single. Otherwise, I’m afraid the other woman will literally be seen as the odd woman out – especially among the husband’s family and friends – who may feel loyal and protective of the first wife. However, if it is the husband who ends the marriage and then waits to pursue another relationship, this dynamic can change. That is the best chance of having a healthy, supported relationship – when you stop being the other woman. And wait to be the woman in an honest relationship. Yes, this may take a substantial amount of time. But it is better than a lifetime of being scorned.

And if the other man doesn’t keep his promises, then at least you saw what you were dealing with early in the process, before more damage was done.

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Sometimes, although a faithful wife is dealing with the uncertainty of her husband cheating, she at least has clarity on her husband’s feelings about the marriage. Since her husband is claiming that he wants to stay with her, she knows that her marriage can endure unless she chooses otherwise. However, what is less clear is HOW, exactly, the couple will return to a fulfilling marriage built upon trust. This is especially true if the husband is showing no real effort toward making things right.

A wife might say, “if there is any positive that came after I found out about my husband’s affair, it’s that he’s made it very clear that he is committed to me. He has repeatedly said that he wants to stay in this marriage. He seems sincere. So I want to believe him. However, his words and his actions contradict one another. Because he has put forth absolutely no effort towards improving our situation or our marriage. If I cheated on him, I would be bringing home flowers, scheduling counseling, and checking on his well-being. He does none of these things. It’s as if he wants to pretend that the affair never happened. At this rate, I don’t see me being secure in this marriage. If we don’t fix things, I doubt I will trust him. When I bring this up, he acts like I’m trying to punish him. Then he will ask me what I want him to do. I get all flustered with this process. Am I wrong to expect him to put in an effort? And how do I get him to do it?”

No, you are not wrong. From my own experience, I know that recovering from an affair is challenging. One of the necessary reassurances is knowing that your husband is working to make things right again. Without that piece of the puzzle, it’s very hard to believe that he is fully invested and won’t cheat again. So not only do you deserve his effort, you need it.

But how do you get it? There are a few things you can try.

The Tricky Ultimatum Strategy: Some wives give ultimatums. They simply tell their husband that he has to earn his way back in the marriage by showing her that it is safe to stay married. These wives will then outline the steps needed to accomplish this.

This strategy is good in theory if you have a complaint, patient, or eager-to-please husband. However, some husbands either resist this or get tired of it eventually. My husband initially tried to comply with my ultimatums, but over time he came to resist, feeling as if nothing he did made me happy.

An Alternative To Ultimatums: Eventually, after listening to suggestions from people I respect, I came up with a new strategy. I decided to trade with my husband. Let me explain. My husband wanted to feel less like he was under attack. And I wanted more of an effort from him. So when he complained about how nothing he did made a difference, I promised to try to scale back on my criticism if he would scale up his efforts.

To make it even easier for him, I spelled out what I wanted to see. So as not to overwhelm him, I focused on only a couple of things per week. One week I might ask him to show me more affection. The next week I might ask that he listen to me without interruption for five minutes each day. We agreed that each Friday night, we would discuss our progress. He would tell me if I’d done better on whatever I was working on for the week. And I’d tell him if he’d made more of an effort. If he hadn’t, he would get the same task for the next week.

This strategy worked well. My husband saw that I was willing to work with him. Since I spelled out exactly what I needed, he could not claim ignorance. But I had to acknowledge when he had done what I asked. Regularly checking in with a reciprocal give and take made us feel like partners again.

So, if this method sounds good, try it. But don’t accept less than what you deserve. Your husband has damaged your marriage and he should partner with you to repair it. He can’t blame you for wanting to see effort and intention. How could you believe that he is sincere without this?

Challenging The Punishment Excuse: Sometimes it helps to try to explain why you need to see an effort and to clarify that this is not a punishment. You might try, “You asked what I wanted from you. Let me be clear. I want to see effort from a man who claims to want to stay in this marriage. In order for me to want to stay, I want a marriage that is healed from the affair’s damage. This repair will take work. This repair will take effort. I need to see both. I want to see you actively trying to make this marriage strong again, not just staying with the status quo. I need affection. I need communication, understanding, and affirmation. I need your commitment to go to counseling if we decide to go that route. I need you to work with me to rebuild the trust and honesty. All of these things require effort from both of us. This is not punishment. This is healing. Can I count on you to do more?”

Then, see what he has to say. If he still acts as if he doesn’t understand, spell it out. Decide what effort he could make this week that would make you feel better. Ask him to do this one thing and tell him that you will re-evaluate this weekend.

Hopefully, by being very specific and by breaking this down into smaller steps, you will see him rise to the occasion. But don’t give up if you don’t. Keep trying different methods until you get the effort that you need. If he is serious about staying with you, then he should put in the effort to make you want to stay with him.  You can read about how I inspired what I wanted and needed out of my own husband at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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In some cases, women dealing with a husband who had a long term affair can struggle more than wives of husbands who had a one night stand. There are many theories as to why. One is that since the husband maintained the relationship for so long, there must be genuine and strong feelings involved. Another is that a long term affair is going to be nearly impossible to overcome since the husband has demonstrated that he is not willing to let go. Many wives struggle to understand why he would participate in both the marriage and the affair for so long. If the affair were so important, why not just pursue a divorce?

A wife might say, “I honestly do not understand why my husband has carried out a long-term affair. I was shocked to find out that he was cheating on me. I was even more shocked to find out that he has been seeing this woman for almost two years. He claims that he will end the affair. After two years? I do not buy this at all. He claims that he just kept the relationship going because it became a habit. And since I didn’t suspect anything, it was easier to just continue rather than to risk the other woman coming forward. He says that he is committed to our marriage, but his claim makes no sense. What are some reasons for a long term affair?”

I will provide several possible reasons, but first I want to stress that an affair that lasts for longer than a year is relatively rare. However, this rarity doesn’t necessarily mean that it is going to last. Less than five percent of all affairs end with the affair partners getting married. And, the divorce rate for a marriage that started as an affair is much higher than that of regular marriages. However, the fact that the odds are stacked against them doesn’t lessen your pain and confusion. I completely understand your desire for answers, so here are some possibilities.

They Have Some History: It’s not uncommon for me to hear about a long-term affair where the other woman is an ex-girlfriend or first love. In the age of social media, it’s actually quite common for this rekindled relationship to begin innocently via social media messaging. However, benign communications can eventually morph into flirting and then a full-blown affair. Spouses who are approaching midlife are particularly vulnerable to this. Someone who remembers them as young and carefree can be an attractive distraction to the difficulties of mid-life.

Sometimes, the affair partners will try to convince themselves that they are getting a second chance or that they just “can’t quit” the other person. This is just another example of someone attempting to justify what they know is wrong.

This dynamic can also happen with long-term co-workers. The spouse may have known the other person for so long that he comes to believe that she knows him just as well as his wife.

The Affair Is “Safe:” Another common scenario is that both affair partners are married and perhaps have families. Both can be very clear that they have no intention or desire to leave their marriages. Often, affairs lose their luster when one party begins to place demands on the other. At that point, the affair isn’t a fun escape anymore. But if there is a firm understanding that nothing is ever going to change with either person’s marriage, then there is not as much pressure to end the affair.

In fact, both partners may actually be quite content in their marriages. So they are enjoying all of the benefits of being within a stable, loving family while carrying on both relationships. Much of the time, they feel secure enough that the “secret” of the affair is safe. So they can continue on.

The Affair Partner May Have Made Threats: It’s not uncommon to hear of someone who stayed in the affair out of fear. Sometimes, one person tries to end the affair, while the other threatens to go public out of retaliation. In essence, one affair partner is subtly blackmailing the other to keep the relationship going. Another possibility is that while one person tries to end the affair, the other has some sort of emotional breakdown which causes guilt and delays the breakup.

They May Fool Themselves Into Thinking There Is A Future: Some people tell themselves that they have true feelings for their affair partner and that they will be together “when the time is right.” This “right time” may occur when children become adults, when finances permit, or when the faithful spouse ends the marriage willingly. However, these fantasies about the future are usually just wishful thinking and meant to keep the affair going. Very few of these couples actually end up together.

They May Believe That They Care Equally For Their Spouse And Their Affair Partner: Some cheating spouses convince themselves that they can’t yet make a decision. They sincerely believe that they care for both people. So they delay a decision, hoping that the right path will become evident eventually or will just happen by magic.

They May Just Not Want To Make A Decision: Many people who have affairs are passive when it comes to their relationships. I know that this is a confusing phrase, but hear me out. I like to think that if I were even slightly tempted to have an affair, I would approach my spouse first. However, people who have affairs do not do this. Instead, they passive-aggressively try to solve their problems with someone else. Therefore, they have proven that they are not good at facing a problem head-on and making a firm decision. The same can be true of ending an affair. It may seem easier to do nothing and hope that the affair comes to a natural end.

The Cheating Spouse Is Not The Only Person Who Can Make Decisions: From my own painful experience, I know it can feel as if the person who had the affair gets to call all the shots. They got to have the affair, and now the faithful spouse has to wait while this resolves. But you can certainly make demands moving forward. Assuming that you may still want to pursue your marriage, you can demand that the affair cease immediately, including every shred of contact.

Then, you can consider what you need from your husband moving forward. I suspect that you are going to need quite a lot. And that’s for him to even have a chance at your consideration.

Recovery from an affair can be a long, difficult path. I know that it is possible because I have done it.  (You can read about that here) But recovery from a long term affair has its own set of challenges. Part of overcoming them is understanding why the affair lasted as long as it did. Your spouse must be honest with you about this. If he does not understand himself, counseling and self-help may help him to discover his thought process, but he eventually must fully understand it so that this doesn’t happen again.

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One of the most common questions asked after an affair is, “Why would my spouse do this?” Many faithful spouses sincerely feel that they had a decent marriage. So they are often perplexed as to what would motivate someone who is otherwise a good person to betray them in such a terrible way. One reoccurring theory is that cheating is a learned behavior or based on the “nurture” side of the “nature versus nurture” debate. However, what happens when a spouse doesn’t have parents who cheated? What if he’s been influenced by outside forces that aren’t family? is this type of learned behavior possible? If so, what are the implications for this?”

Someone might say, “I honestly believe that my husband has been heavily influenced by a batch of new hires at his office. These men are younger than my husband and he is expected to mentor them. They go out on weekends, drink, and partake in risky behavior. Six months after meeting these people, I find out my husband has been having an affair. I strongly believe that had my husband never met these new ‘friends’ he never would have cheated on me. I know that having unfaithful parents makes a person more likely to cheat. But what about unfaithful friends? Does this also contribute to learned behavior? Also, in addition to my children, we have the son of one of my friends living with us. I worry about my kids growing up to be cheaters for obvious reasons. But what about my friend’s son? He’s not ours biologically, but he is growing up in our household. Is he also at risk of learning to cheat as a behavior?”

I believe what this wife is really asking is: Does the cheating behavior have to be committed by a blood relative for it to be a learned behavior?

Both Culture And Family Influence Behavior: There has been scientific research which indicates that children who see a parent cheat can be more likely to repeat that behavior (more on that later.) However, experts also agree that the culture which surrounds us at home and at work can have a profound impact on our own behavior. Even people who never intended to cheat can unknowingly change their own behaviors simply because they are exposed to cheating over time. When a culture accepts any undesirable behavior, that same behavior may be tempting because it is condoned. There can be an attitude of, “Everyone does it,” which minimizes a cheater’s guilt or hesitation.

Studies on Cheating Within Families: There have been at least three studies that looked at how parental infidelity affects children. Two college professors conducted three separate (and increasingly large) studies to examine this topic. Although the researchers did determine that a parent’s cheating increased the likelihood of a child repeating this pattern, the researchers stressed that it was the parents’ reactions to (and attitudes toward) the cheating which had the greatest impact.

Ideally, children should not know about infidelity. This is only my opinion, but it’s my belief that parents should keep their conversations about cheating to themselves. If you don’t expose your own children and your friend’s son to the existence of the cheating, then it potentially can’t affect them.

If for some reason they already know, it’s important to stress that no one condones this hurtful behavior. When the affair is minimized or celebrated, this makes the children more likely to mirror these behaviors.

Free Will And Avoidance: Perspective is important. Not every child who had a cheating parent will grow up to engage in infidelity. I know quite a few people who had unfaithful parents. Understandably, most of them have very strong negative feelings about cheating. And most vow that they would never cheat because they know the pain that this act inflicts on families.

Finally, even when a person sees others committing an act, that doesn’t mandate that everyone must join in. Adult human men can certainly make their own decisions because they are blessed with free will. Yes, influences from friends and family are real. Yes, these influences strengthen temptation. But many people turn away from that same temptation.

Where To Go From Here: How you move forward depends on what you want to happen with your marriage. Obviously, shielding the children from negative influences must be a top priority. And if you and your husband wish to save your marriage, that is doable. But your husband would likely have to limit or end his association with the cheating friends. He’s already proven that he cannot stand up to that temptation. If he is willing to do this, then that would be a good starting place.

But to answer the original question, yes, cheating can be a learned behavior. Children and adults who are immersed in a culture (whether at work or at home) that condones or celebrates cheating are more likely to cheat themselves.

The husband in this scenario had already “learned” the behavior. But the children hopefully had not, so their “learning” could definitely be prevented.

As for the husband, I believe that it may be possible for him to unlearn the behavior if he sees how hurtful and devastating it is to the woman he loves. He must understand that in no way were his actions okay, no matter who else was cheating. He must understand that giving in to a group mentality is in no way a valid excuse. He must be willing to admit to these outside influences and then limit his exposure to them.

And that is just for starters. However, the good news is that it is possible to heal infidelity if you want to.  You can read about how I did this in my own marriage at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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Sometimes, I hear from women who are many months (or even years) post-affair. They’ve had ample time to process and then heal, but many have not. They find themselves still overwhelmingly angry, and they aren’t sure why. It can be very frustrating to carry around negative feelings when you should be moving on by now.

Someone might say, “It’s been eight months since my husband’s affair. And I’m just as angry today as I was the first day that I found out. I don’t understand this. I’m not an angry person. And my husband has done everything I’ve asked. I believe that he has regret, and I want to believe that he will not cheat again. Still, I find myself unexpectedly lashing out at him. Sometimes, my anger seems to come out of nowhere, and it shocks us both. Worse, when it comes, it just has to run its course. I can’t seem to control it. I will usually take a walk or exercise until I calm down. But I am tired of being angry all of the time. I want to let it go, and I don’t understand why I can’t. I can’t pinpoint what I’m so angry about because my husband has made every attempt to fix things. How can I get to the bottom of what is causing my anger so that I can address it?”

Please don’t beat yourself up about this. It’s normal to feel anger for quite a while. But that doesn’t mean that you have to suffer endlessly. In the meantime, here are some exercises that can be beneficial for uncovering surprising causes for your anger.

The Purpose of These Exercises: The exercises I’m going to list below are free association. Please hear me out. Free association can be helpful because it allows you to turn off your rational mind. If you look at the wife’s statement above, you’ll see that she repeatedly looks for rational reasons why she shouldn’t be angry – her husband is remorseful and has done everything she’s asked. Yet, anger is not a rational emotion. So, sometimes we have to turn off logic to understand it. These exercises are meant to do just that.

Clustering: I will tell you from the beginning that you might feel as if you are in grade school while doing this exercise. Do it anyway. I know that this exercise seems ridiculously simple, but it often yields profound results. Start with a blank sheet of paper. In the center, write the word “anger” and circle it. Then write down the first word that comes to your mind when you think of “anger.” Place that new word underneath “anger,” circle it, and draw a line connecting the two words. Let’s pretend the second word is “rage.” Now, write the next word that comes to mind after “rage.” That word might be “lies.” Connect rage and lies with a line. After “lies,” you might get “secrets.” Then you might get “sex.”

Keep doing this until you literally can’t write any more words because you cannot think of anything else. At this point, you will have a long list of words. Get out another sheet of paper and make a list of all the words inside of the clusters. So, in the above example, you’d have a list that says, anger, rage, lies, secrets, sex, etc.

Look at the list and circle the words which elicit the strongest reaction. If all of them affect you, circle them all. After this exercise, you should have a pretty good idea about the sources of your anger.

Now, get out a third sheet of paper and cluster the phrase “let go.” Circle it. Use the same steps as above. “Let go” might lead to “release,” which might lead to “forgiveness,” which might lead to “trust,” which might lead to “intimacy,” and then to “talking,” and so forth. Obviously, the words that come to your mind may be very different than the examples I’ve given. This exercise is unique to each person.

Once you are done clustering, make a list of the words you’ve used, as you did with “anger.” Circle the words which give you the most relief from your anger when you look at them. Use this list as a road map for activities that might allow you to release your anger. For example, if you’ve circled “trust” and “talking,” then perhaps you might start having vulnerable conversations with your spouse to help you restore the trust.

Being Made Whole: From my own experience, I believe that some anger stems from the shadow belief that we have not yet been made whole again. We often don’t understand this, especially when our husband has done everything that we have asked. Still, we can’t openly trust anymore. We walk around with dread and doubts. The pain of the affair has left scars. Make no mistake, our life has changed. We can’t unsee what we have seen. And we resent these drastic changes.

So one way to counter this resentment is to make your life rival what it looked like pre-affair. No, you can’t turn back time. You can’t pretend the affair didn’t happen. But you can rebuild your marriage if that is what you want. You can restore your self-confidence. You can re-forge the vulnerability and intimacy so that eventually, you don’t feel as if you have lost something that you can never get back. That is where my anger stemmed from – the loss of the life I had pre-affair. So I had to forge a comparable life post-affair. (You can read about how I did that at http://surviving-the-affair.com)

There are no short cuts to this process. It takes time, patience, determination, and effort. However, putting in the effort is better than continuing to be resentful. Managing constant anger is exhausting. Try clustering. You may be surprised to find a contributing factor that you never suspected. Once you do, relentlessly address it.

Repeat the clustering exercise every couple of weeks. You should have fewer words each time. This allows you to track your progress, determine which issues you still need to tackle, and alerts you when any new sources of anger crop up. Keep doing this, and one day you may feel much less angry.

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One of the most common things that faithful spouses struggle to understand is what their cheating spouse was thinking while being unfaithful. If you polled a large, random group of people, most of those people would tell you that cheating is wrong. Yet, statistics indicate that plenty of married people not only cheat, but then manage to justify their actions and continue their behaviors. This sort of mental gymnastics can be difficult to understand.

Mind Games Are Common: It may help to accept that this type of mental mind game occurs for many different types of vice – not just cheating. For example, it is well established that smoking and excessive sun exposure cause cancer. But, plenty of people still smoke. Plenty of people still use tanning beds. If you were to press a smoker on how he continues to smoke while knowing the risk, he may answer by minimizing his behavior. For example, he may tell you that he knew someone who lived a long life while smoking. Or he may tell you that he only smokes socially. Likewise, the sunbather may tell you that she wears sunscreen during regular sun exposure or that she only tans indoors for special occasions.

Understanding Cognitive Dissonance: This type of justification – where you struggle to hold two conflicting beliefs – is called cognitive dissonance. You know that your behavior is wrong, but you participate anyway. This is only possible when you find a way to minimize or justify your behavior.

And to be fair, we all do this to a certain extent. I know that my exessive coffee drinking may hurt my health, but I haven’t even tried to give it up. I tell myself that the increase in focus negates the health risk. Intellectually, I know this isn’t true. But that doesn’t stop me from my morning crutch.

I realize that an affair is much more serious than coffee, but the mental leaps are similar.

Understanding The Need For Justification: A cheater may think that good, moral people do not lie or cheat. He may also believe that he is a moral person. (Very often, his wife agrees with this assessment. ) And yet, he undeniably lied. There’s no denying that he did cheat. So how does he reconcile the two opposing realities? By telling himself that a moral person who lied and cheated must have a good reason for it. As a result, he’ll search his brain for possible justifications.

He may look at your marriage or at the other person. Ironically, many men do understand that they were victims of cognitive dissonance – but only after enough time has passed for them to have perspective. In the early days of the affair’s discovery, he will desperately cling to his justifications. Unfortunately, there is sometimes a teeny, tiny kernel of truth in his lies.

For example, he may tell you that you didn’t listen enough. He may accuse you of not noticing his restlessness. He may claim that you didn’t have enough time for him.

Now, let’s be real. In every marriage, there are days when you don’t listen to every single thing your spouse says. You can’t always notice every single detail about his behavior. But overall, you try very hard to be attentive, accommodating, and understanding. Still, you can’t claim perfection every single day. Therefore, he may argue that his point is valid.

Calling Him On His Faulty Beliefs: I suggest that you consider challenging any questionable arguments. If he is allowed to believe his justifications, he will not feel the necessary remorse. Frankly, remorse may prevent him from cheating again.

So you may want to try something like, “I know that right now, you may actually believe what you are saying. But I am asking you to take a step back and question these claims. In truth, you are rewriting our marital history. If you look at our marriage honestly, you’ll see that we had our ups and downs like all couples. Neither of us was perfect all of the time. I admit that I made mistakes. Everyone does. But I didn’t grossly neglect you or our marriage. Nor was I inattentive or oblivious to reality. If you were unhappy, you should have come to me and discussed that before just cheating on me. Would you want me to cheat on you at the first sign of dissatisfaction? That’s not what committed partners with integrity do. I’d like for you to re-think your claims when you have a little more distance. I hope you will see that what you’re saying isn’t entirely accurate. And even if it were, there is no justification for lying and cheating. I know you want to be an honorable person, so please re-think this. You’re just making the deception worse.”

Unfortunately, he may not realize that you are right immediately. In fact, he may get defensive initially. He may even bring up instances to prove his claims. If he does, methodically and calmly challenge him and remind him of reality. Again, you may have to wait until he can see the truth. But at least you will know that you did not give him more ammunition.

Please understand that I am not explaining cognitive dissonance to justify cheating. I don’t believe there is any valid justification. But I want you to understand how someone who has otherwise been honorable throughout your marriage can commit this terrible act.

I do consider my husband to be a person of integrity. And yet, he did cheat on me. I would even tell you that he is honorable today. Since much time has gone by since the affair, he can now admit that all of his justifications were an attempt to shift the blame away from his own stupidity. He knows those claims were never true. But in the weeks following the affair, he could not admit this.

Just know in your own heart that he is feeding you lies that are necessary to build a buffer around his own guilt. In time, he will hopefully be able to face his own responsibility. Until then, do not validate his mental gymnastics if you do not believe his claims are true. You know the true state of your marriage before and after the affair. You don’t need to pretend to believe otherwise. But eventually, to heal your marriage, you’ll both have to look at the future instead of the past.  You can read about how we went beyond the past on http://surviving-the-affair.com

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