Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

Many wives make assumptions about how the other woman or mistress feels about the husband and about the affair. Some wives do not have to guess because they have actually confronted the other woman. Often, the wife is hoping for an apology or plea for forgiveness. Many times, what the wife gets instead is indigence. The mistress will claim that she did nothing wrong and has nothing to be sorry for. The wife can have a hard time understanding this because she is coming at this issue from a completely different place.

She might say, “I already know my husband’s mistress. She used to be my friend before she started up with my husband. I know about the affair because she told me via text. Needless to say, I am furious with her and I confronted her in person. I asked her how she could do this to me. I told her that I thought she was a better person than this. I told her she was no better than the low-life women we used to make fun of for being home-wreckers as children. She laughed at me and told me to grow up. She said that we both know that she is a good person and that I have no right whatsoever to act like the wounded party. Why would she act like this? How can the mistress seemingly have no guilt?”

She may be posturing. She may have guilt but doesn’t want to acknowledge it. Or she may have a thought process that is common to many women who cheat with husbands that don’t belong to them. I will outline some of these thoughts below.

They Are Two Consenting Adults: When they are being honest, many mistresses will tell you that they have no need for shame because they didn’t force anyone to do anything that they didn’t want to do. In other words, she will claim that your husband came willingly. She will claim that people above a certain age do not need anyone’s permission to live their lives exactly as they wish. She’ll assert that your marriage is not her business and that she merely had a relationship with another consenting adult, which is not a crime.

If There Is A Problem With Your Marriage, Look At Yourself: Many mistresses will assert that someone else’s marriage is not her business or responsibility. If your marriage is unhappy or in jeopardy, then this is no one’s fault but your own. And no one can fix it but you.

If Your Husband Had Been Happy At Home, He Wouldn’t Have Sought Her Out: This defense is very popular with mistresses. They’ll say that it is the wife’s responsibility to keep her husband happy. If she doesn’t , then the husband becomes fair game. Never mind that she has no idea about the state of your marriage and she would never bother to find out for herself. Instead, she’ll simply believe what she wants to believe and tell herself that your husband was justified in escaping a bad marriage.

She’s Entitled To Happiness: She may know that cheating is wrong and she may even be fully aware that she pursued your husband. But none of this matters because her happiness trumps everything else. She may believe that she deserves to live her best life no matter how it happens.

They Are Meant To Be Together: Another game the mistress likes to play is convincing herself that she’s allowed this relationship because she and the husband are “soul mates” or were somehow fated to be together. She’ll tell herself that everyone must move out of the way for a love this strong.

She’s Saving Him From You: This one is the most maddening. Many “other women” like to believe that the husband cheated as a way to escape a dreadful life with an awful wife. Who could blame the poor guy for trying to escape this? She’s justified because his circumstances were so awful before and he was merely seeking solace in her arms.

The Right Response: My hope is that this article has shown you that the mistresses’ thought process can be delusional. She has to fool herself so that she can carry out the affair. Otherwise, most people would be too guilt-ridden to even enjoy it or to carry on with it.

So what does this tell you about your best response? That often, there’s no need to bother with trying to get her to see reason. She’s already figured out a way to tell herself lies. She’s not interested in what you have to say because listening to the truth means she’ll have to face up to what she’s done. She’s already proven that she’s unwilling to do this.

So, deal with who cares about what you think and what you do – you, your family, and perhaps, your husband. Invest in someone that you might actually still have a relationship with in the future. If you still care about salvaging your marriage, get your information from him. Try to reason with him. But honestly, whether she feels guilty or not probably isn’t going to have any effect whatsoever on your life and your bottom line.

Focus on how YOU feel. If you want to save your marriage, focus on how your husband feels. Because it doesn’t matter how she feels. Get her out of your life and out of your mind. Trying to reason with her is like trying to pet a porcupine. Take a sheet out of her book. Tell yourself that her guilt or thought process isn’t your business or responsibility. Leave her to her deal with the consequences of her own behavior. And then you worry about getting your life back to where you want it.  I know exactly how frustrating this is.  I went through it, but I came out just fine on the other side.  I fought back and I won.  There’s more at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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Most of the time, I dialog with or hear from the faithful spouse. Occasionally, I hear from the cheating spouse seeking guidance about how to untangle themselves from the affair so that they can hopefully save their marriage. Thankfully, most of these folks truly want to end the affair and are ready to do so. However, there is a small subset of people who reluctantly admit that they “just can’t” give up the affair, even though they truly want to.

Here is an example of what they might say, “Before I say anything else, I want to stress that I want to save my marriage. I do love my wife. But, I can’t seem to end the affair. I will start out having good intentions about it, but when I see or talk to my affair, I change my mind. Admittedly, it’s been a very exciting relationship – different from what I have with my wife. At times, I have convinced myself that this other woman makes me happy. But deep down, I know that my wife is the woman who I am supposed to be with. We have shared a family and a home. She is the most loyal, kind, and admirable person I know. She is the last person who I would ever want to hurt. I know that I should immediately end things and then make this up to my wife. And yet, months have gone by and I have taken no action. I am still in a relationship with the affair partner, although she feels me pulling away. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I give this relationship up? Why can’t I just end the affair like I know that I should?”

Having talked with many couples about affairs (and having gone through one myself,) I definitely have some theories on this. I will share them below.

The Affair Puts A Spring In Your Step: Many people engage in (and then want to remain in) affairs because it makes them feel relevant and desirable. It is human nature to gravitate toward something which makes you feel fully alive and good about yourself. For a brief time, the affair can check those boxes. However, what many people don’t realize is that much of the time, the guilt and uncertainty will eventually cancel out the positive feelings. Countless people have told me that in retrospect, they wish they’d never started the affair because the net outcome was much more negative than positive.

You’re Self-Sabotaging or Participating In Risky Behavior: Often, we get to a point in our lives where we have doubts about our place in the world. We begin to face our own mortality or question our place in the universe. Sometimes, these monumental concerns make us feel quite small. So, to compensate, we sometimes do things to shake up our lives, whether that is participating in risky behavior or sabotaging ourselves.

You Have Underlying, Hidden Resentment About Your Life, Your Marriage, or Your Wife: No one wants to admit that he resents large aspects of his life. But sometimes, people who have affairs feel some sort of resentment or disappointment with the state of their lives, their marriages, or their spouse. But, rather than confronting this at home or being honest about it, they instead have an affair, which is, ironically, their attempt at addressing the resentment. Often, they may not consciously realize that they are feeling this resentment and will instead reassure themselves that their wife or their life is wonderful and has no flaws. If that is true, why cheat? (Unless, of course, the first two possibilities above are in play.)

How To Quickly And Decisively Move Forward: I don’t believe that I have to convince anyone that ending the affair is the right and best thing to do. Most people are fully aware of this, but they tell themselves that they just can’t do it. In truth, you can and you must. Do it by whatever means necessary. Whether in person or on the phone, do it right away. Make it clear that you are sure about your decision and you want no additional contact. Believe me, allowing contact is the easiest way to start up the affair again. You want to decisively end it and then immediately turn your attention where it belongs – to your family. Be very clear about this. If you appear at all hesitant, the affair partner will hope that she can change your mind. You must make it clear that she cannot.

Look For The Payoff From The Affair In More Appropriate Places: You must figure out the payoff that you were getting from the affair. Be honest with yourself about this. Because once you determine what, exactly, was keeping you in the affair, you can then seek that thing from other, more appropriate places.

I don’t mean to be insensitive, but when people say, they “can’t” and the affair, they must know that this isn’t true. It’s not as if someone is physically keeping you from speaking the words. No one is holding you hostage. You’re choosing not to end it because of some payoff. Figure out what that payoff is and tell yourself you should and will seek it somewhere else.  Part of my stance on this comes from being the faithful wife whose husband had an affair.  I know the pain of that and I know that no good comes out of an affair.  My husband regrets his behavior more than any other thing in his life.  So don’t prolong this mistake.  If it helps, you can read about how we overcame the damage of the affair at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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A person can take numerous hits when their spouse has an affair. They can take a hit to their self-esteem. They can take a hit to their sense of trust. And they can most certainly take a hit to their happiness level. Most people who struggle with infidelity feel a great deal of sadness as a result of it. Since no one wants to walk around constantly feeling deep despair, people often ask how long these feelings of gloom will last.

Someone might say, “I found out six weeks ago that my husband was cheating on me. Since that time, I have struggled with my day to day activities. It is difficult for me to get out of bed. I feel like I am pulling a huge weight behind me all of the time. I am normally a happy, upbeat person, but this has completely changed me. It is miserable to feel this way all of the time. Is this ever going to change? For how long do wives typically feel sadness after their husband has an affair?”

It depends very much on the circumstances and on the healing actions that are taken. While it’s extremely normal to feel initial sadness, these feelings don’t always linger for a troublesome amount of time if you are very proactive. Below, I will list a few tips that helped me to overcome the very deep sadness that I felt.

Focus On Positive Things Outside of The Affair And Home Life: I know that this suggestion may seem far-fetched. How can you focus on something else when the life that you knew is in jeopardy? This was an initial concern of mine also, but I learned something important when I looked outside of my own home for uplifting activities: whatever is going on at home will still be there when you get back. And if you are participating in uplifting activities away from home, you will often return with an improved outlook.

In my case, I began volunteering and I joined a women’s book club. This allowed me to have exposure to issues beyond my problems. I felt very useful and seeing my efforts make things better for someone else gave me an immediate boost.

Of course, there are many alternatives. Get out in nature. Exercise. Find a long, uplifting project that requires a good deal of energy. Anything that you can do to direct your efforts toward self-improvement or the greater good will boost your spirits and distract you from what is causing your unhappiness.

Direct Your Love Somewhere Else Momentarily (with Conditions:) Please don’t take this the wrong way. I would NEVER suggest that you direct your affections to another person in a romantic way. That would only create more drama and unhappiness. I am talking about an animal, a child, a friend, etc. Honestly, I ended up fostering an animal after my husband’s affair because I am a nurturer but I did not feel like offering anything to my husband at that time. This allowed me to heap loads of love on a scared animal that needed it. Eventually, I adopted the animal and she is one of the great loves of my life. She gave me unconditional love at a time when I was desperate for it and vice verse. You may not have the ability to take on the responsibility for an animal indefinitely, but fostering is a great way to help out without a long term commitment.

Alternatively, you can mentor or care for a child. You can invest in deep friendships. You can connect with others in online support groups if you are unable to get out. There is always a way to reach out beyond your own world. And this act can be very uplifting and can cut through your isolation.

Work On Gradually Healing: After an affair, one of the main reasons that we are sad is that our life has been shaken to its core. The stability that we thought we had has been challenged. So one way to ease the sadness is to try to get that stability back. This will look different for everyone. For some, that will mean healing your marriage, restoring the trust, and moving on. Others will eventually end their marriage and then will move on to a healthy and happy life without the marriage. Either approach is healing and valid.

Thankfully, once you get the stability and sense of well-being back in your life, the sadness should fade. Having said that, I have to be honest. I can’t claim that I don’t ever feel any sadness. Every once in a great while, my mind will flashback to my husband’s affair and I will feel a momentary bit of sadness. Mostly I feel sad at the waste of it all and am just upset that we had to go through it. However, when this happens, I look at how far we have come and I am grateful for the state of my marriage now. It is actually better than it ever was. During our lives together, there have been many sad occurrences – family illness, loss, accidents, and other hardships. When I think back to any of these incidents, I feel a tinge of sadness, but I am also proud that we overcame them all. Unfortunate events are part of every marriage. No one gets to go through life without adversity. But most of us recover eventually and move on. An affair is no different. I definitely felt my share of sadness for quite a while, but today my focus is on other, much more uplifting things.  You can read more at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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Many people believe that they are “home free” in their marriage once they hit retirement age. Most believe that their biggest worries will be their health and their finances, both of which they can hopefully manage. They’ve seemingly survived the biggest stressors for marriage – the birth and adolescence of their children, the threat of midlife crisis, and the financial crunch that comes in the early days of your lives together. Very few people anticipate struggling with infidelity once they reach retirement age. Many are surprised to learn that this milestone can be a stressor that puts you at a higher risk for infidelity.

Someone might say, “I can’t tell you how many times my husband and I said that we couldn’t wait until we retired. We very carefully scrimped and saved. We made many sacrifices so that we could move to our ideal location and do precisely what we wanted to do. We always viewed retirement as the promised land. We have kept ourselves healthy so that we could enjoy this. I have honestly been counting down the years. Well, we have only been retired for about six months. And now I found out that my husband has been cheating on me. He cheated on me in this same community that we fantasized about. He claims he is desperately sorry. He says that we can heal this. But now our new home, and our new life, is ruined for me. As far as I know, he has never cheated on me throughout our entire marriage. At least that is what I thought. I don’t understand why he would cheat now. Is my husband the only man who gets to the most wonderful time in life and then ruins it?”

Believe it or not, many specialists count retirement age as a somewhat dangerous time for a marriage. This seems counter-intuitive because this is a time of life where many couples assume that they can finally relax. However, there are many factors during this time period that put you at risk. I’ll like some below:

A Loss of Daily Structure Can Be Dangerous: Most of us fantasize about being able to quit our job and having no work-place obligations. How wonderful it will be to just allow our days to unfold as they will. However, we often underestimate just how important structure is to our lives. When we have no real, repetitive plans to fill our days, we can become adrift. People who experience this void often do not confide in their spouse. Instead, they assume that they are the only person experiencing this troublesome issue. So they say nothing, not wanting to drag their spouse down with them. This creates a sense of isolation, which is yet one more risk factor for infidelity.

Bodily Changes During Retirement: Unfortunately many bodily changes crop up during this time period, some of which have sexual side effects. Spouses may have different levels of desire. Women may be suffering from menopausal symptoms and men may have occasional impotence. This can cause awkwardness and feelings of frustration that are often hidden from a spouse, with the intent to spare them any discomfort. This, too, can create more distance between you.

New People / New Opportunities: Often couples move or develop new circles of friends in retirement. This means that your spouse may be exposed to new people, which obviously opens up a whole new pool of temptations if your spouse is already vulnerable.

Insecurities And Facing Immortality: Perhaps the biggest stressor in this time of life comes when people face their own aging and immortality. When you are retired, you begin to see acquaintances and loved ones become ill and even pass away. This makes you face down your own aging and immortality. For many, this is devastating. Some people want another chance to cling to their youth or their own vitality. And for some, an affair is the way that they will attempt this.

Considerations In Recovery: Recovering from an affair is never easy, but there are some additional considerations when you are retired. You’re more likely to spend more time with your spouse, since you may no longer be working full time. This can either be a blessing or a curse. When you are so angry with your spouse that you can’t stand the sight of him, this won’t be easy. But if you are open to one day saving your marriage, you’ll need to spend a lot of time together to rebuild. This is easier when you have more time available. It will also be easier to keep an eye on your spouse when he has no place he needs to be for eight hours each day, as was the case when he was employed full-time.

Ultimately, whether retired or not, it’s going to be up to the faithful spouse as to how she wants to proceed. For some, an affair is a deal-breaker from which there is no return. Others want to live out the rest of their years with their lifetime partner, even if this means that a difficult rehabilitation is ahead. My spouse and I were younger than retirement age when he cheated, but how we recovered may be helpful to all ages.  You can read about that at http://surviving-the-affair.com.

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Affair recovery is not a skill that is taught. Most of us never think about it until we find out that our spouse has cheated on us. Understandably, most people react out of instinct or emotion. None of us has a plan. We simply do the best that we can. So, it is understandable that many of us make mistakes. Unfortunately, these mistakes can cost you dearly because they can make recovery even more difficult. Below, I will list the biggest and most costly mistakes that I see the faithful spouse make after the affair (some of which I made myself.)

Talking to The Affair Partner And Then Believing Her Version of the Story: It’s understandable to have an almost desperate need to know all of the details of the affair. It is also very common for the cheating spouse to withhold some information for fear of hurting the faithful spouse. In response, sometimes the faithful spouse accepts information from the affair partner, who will often paint themselves as a reluctant participant who is not at fault. Understandably, the faithful spouse will often march right home and demand real answers. There are several problems with this. The affair partner has no skin in this game. She can say anything she wants, some or all of which may be untrue. And, by even giving her your attention, you’re leaving the door open when she really should have no place in your lives. Get your information from your spouse. Yes, it may take a while to get to the truth. But at least close the door on the affair partner so she can’t continue to cause problems.

Trying To Turn The Cheating Spouse’s Friends And Family Against Him: It’s understandable to want your spouse to feel shame and guilt. If negative feelings and consequences follow the affair, then perhaps he will be less likely to cheat again. To that end, many faithful spouses will tell family and friends about the affair in an attempt to turn these people against the cheating spouse. This is a bad idea for many reasons. Some of these people may have already known about the affair. Some will have a hard time forgetting it once you have told them. And, once you invite someone to give their opinion about your marriage, it can be nearly impossible to ever get them to stop. I know it is difficult to believe right now, but there will be a time when you are ready to move on. When that day comes, the last thing you will want is for people close to you to continue to harp on the affair when you’d like to put it behind you.

Trying To Make Your Spouse Jealous Or Cheating To “Get Back” At Him: When one spouse has an affair, the other feels rejected and taken for granted. Obviously, the cheating spouse didn’t appreciate what he had in his spouse and in his marriage. Sometimes, the faithful spouse wants to give him a little push to make him realize this. So she may become more flirtatious and elicit more attention from other men in an attempt to make her spouse jealous. The idea is to make him see that two can play this game or that if he doesn’t appreciate her, someone else will. Alternatively, she may want to show him how it feels to be cheated on. Here is the problem with this strategy. When you are the faithful spouse, you begin with the position that your spouse is the one who is in the wrong. But, if you choose to participate in the same behavior that he is guilty of, you are almost condoning it by participating in it yourself. Also, dealing with one bout of infidelity is difficult, but dealing with two is twice as hard. Simply put, you’d be creating an additional problem that you don’t need.

Believing That You Can Ignore This and It Will Go Away: If you are reading this article, you already know how painful and uncomfortable affair recovery can be. That’s one reason why there is a real tendency to rush in trying to get your normal life and marriage back. Sure, you’re angry at first. But eventually, holding the anger gets old so you just try to turn the corner. Although this is understandable, if you and your spouse never uncover what lead to the affair or do the work to prevent another occurrence, you can never truly move on or restore the trust. If you stay in your marriage, then you will have a relationship that isn’t as strong as it could be, so you will always be suspicious and resentful. If you divorce, you will take this pain into your next relationship. Doing the work is not easy, but at least it stops the process so that you can move on healthily and decisively.

By no means are these all the mistakes that I see. But they are what I believe are the most troublesome and damaging. I have been in this position and I know that you likely feel very justified in all of the above behaviors. But, in the end, they will only intensify the pain rather than improve it. I hope that you will avoid these mistakes if you can as recovery is hard enough without adding more issues that must be overcome. You’re welcome to read about my own recovery and how I overcame many mistakes at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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Many wives find that they are flooded with emotion while learning about (or dealing with) a spouse’s affair. Understandably, these emotions are often quite negative and strong. Some wives experience feelings that are not typical. One good example of this is hatred.

A wife might say, “I am typically a pretty easy-going and loving person. However, since I found out about my husband’s affair, I find myself feeling animosity toward almost everyone. Then I lash out too. In addition to being shocked and hurt, I find that I feel absolute hatred for many people. I hate my husband for cheating. I hate the other woman for her part in this. I hate my husband’s friends, who I thought were my friends too. They knew about this and didn’t tell me. I hate my mother’s old-fashioned advice. I hate the pity of my friends. I am so filled with anger and hatred that I feel almost radioactive. I have never been this type of person before. I feel so bitter and hostile. I want to stop feeling this way, but I have nothing but negative feelings about everyone around me. Will this ever get better or will I always be lashing out? I worry that I’m going to alienate my mother and good friends, but right now I’m resentful of anything that they attempt to offer me. And I can’t even think about feeling anything but hatred toward my husband right now –  and maybe ever.”

Why You Feel The Hatred: In my experience, these feelings do abate in time. You’re hurt and angry. Right now, those feelings project onto every one that is crossing your path. I completely understand your not wanting to alienate the people closest to you right now. I found it helpful to ask myself who deserved my hatred and who did not. For example, in this scenario your mother and friends (while potentially annoying,) probably do not deserve your wrath. Their behavior may be overreaching or clumsy, but in their minds, they are probably truly trying to help you in the best way that they can. And, quite frankly, you need all of the love and support that you can get right now.

If their support feels wrong, it’s fine to re-direct the conversation or to ask to spend your time together talking about other things, but don’t alienate your support system, because you will need them.

The Opposite Of Hatred Is ….. I once had a great therapist who taught me to always try to look at the opposing force of what I wanted to change. For example, if I was feeling frustrated, I needed to consider that the opposite of frustration was calm. So I should seek out things that made me feel calm. In this case, the opposite of hate is love. And this is tricky. Because although it makes sense to act with love when you feel hatred, you’ll have to ask yourself where you can do this and still be authentic.

In this example, it may not be possible for you to summon your love for your husband just yet (or maybe not ever, if you choose to walk away.) But, you can heap all kinds of love upon yourself, your family, and your friends. Doing so probably won’t make all of your hatred magically disappear overnight, but it is a start.

The Hatred May Fade With Healing: I can’t think of the last time that I felt outright hatred toward anyone due to my husband’s affair. But, enough time has passed that I have healed and so it is easy for me to not dwell on the painful aspects of the past. However, I felt plenty of hatred early on. I simply projected all of my disappointment, anger, and sadness onto the people around me (including myself.) I had not yet learned how to channel these feelings into action. Once I did, I began to heal. And with healing, most of the negativity that I was experiencing began to fade.

Right now, the best thing that you can do is to be proactive about your healing, not about your hatred. Recognize that what you are experiencing are only feelings – that can and will pass. You don’t need to act on them, but you can use them as clues about your next positive steps. In my case, the hatred was due to anger and a loss of control. So I worked on regaining control over my life. I put myself first and I gave myself permission to go after what I needed to heal and then move on. Once these things came into balance, my hatred lessened. Once I realized that I was going to be okay, it was a waste of energy to focus on anything other than what was most important to myself and to my immediate family.  You can read more at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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I find that one of the biggest concerns that faithful wives have is the progression of their recovery. No one likes to experience the pain and uncertainty that an affair brings. So, of course, everyone wants to heal as soon as possible. No one wants a prolonged recovery. And yet, that is the path that most wives fear that they are on. Many of them think that they are not “on track” with their recovery or that they have fallen behind.

It’s not uncommon to hear one of these wives say something like this: “It has been over a year since my husband’s affair. In some ways, I am more hurt and angry now than I have ever been. I’m very disappointed. I thought that if I held on, things would get better. But my husband hasn’t done everything that he promised and I haven’t been able to let go in the way that I promised that I would. I still feel a lot of resentment and pain. My husband has done a lot of what I’ve asked, just not all of it. Still, even if my husband had acted perfectly, I’m not sure that I would be completely over this. What is wrong with me? Why am I falling behind on the timeline?”

I would argue that there is nothing wrong with you. Recovery after an affair can be a lengthy process. It is not the same process for everyone. Therefore, the timeline is very individual. I have actually been on websites that spell out a set timeline with defined recovery phases, such as: the discovery phase, the reaction phase, the release phase, and the recommitment phase. While I think it is helpful to see that things do get better, many of these sites have specific time estimates for each phrase, with full recovery coming after about eighteen months.

If you are a wife looking at this chart and you perceive that you are “behind,” then none of this will be very encouraging. I once had a therapist tell me that the average time for recovery was two years, but if I worked with her, we could whittle it down to one year. That wasn’t particularly helpful for me at the time because one year sounded like an eternity, at right then.

Here is what I have come to believe. Every affair is different. Every couple is different. Every individual is different. What helped me to turn the corner may not help you. The time period that I turned the corner may be different than yours. Those are just a few reasons that some people may reach the “recommitment” phase too early, and then they slip back into the reaction phase. Therefore, it doesn’t pay to rush.

Please don’t cling to someone else’s timeframe. Because if you hold yourself to these, you will find one more place where you THINK you have failed, even if this is not true. And this will be just one more issue you are grappling with.

Give yourself permission to move at your own pace. And understand that we often need some things from our spouse to make full progress. And other times, we are clinging onto our anger because it serves us or offers us protection. For example, sometimes our husband will promise that he will not participate in ANY of the behaviors that lead to the affair. In reality, he may have dropped MOST of these behaviors, but not ALL of them. Therefore, your remaining somewhat stuck is understandable. Or, sometimes our husband has done everything we have asked, but we still harbor resentment because we are afraid to allow ourselves to be completely vulnerable again. That’s why it’s important to be brutally honest with yourself about what may be holding you back. If you need more from your husband, say so. If you need more from yourself, take it.

With the above said, sometimes you can’t figure out exactly why you haven’t moved on. In these cases, perhaps you really do just need more time. There is nothing wrong with that and there are certain aspects of grief that cannot be rushed. I lost a very dear family member last year. The anniversary of her death just passed. And yet, there are days when her death feels as if it happened yesterday. This doesn’t mean that I haven’t begun to heal. I have. But death is a difficult blow. And an affair can be just as difficult. It’s very important to acknowledge this.

How about this? Instead of trying to figure out what phase you are in and why you haven’t moved on to the next one, just ask yourself if today was a little better than yesterday or if this month was slightly better than the last. And if not, are you dusting yourself off and are you continuing to try to move forward? Sometimes, this is the most realistic progression that one can ask for.

Give yourself permission to accept small pockets of happiness where you find them. Sure, you may not be “home free” in terms of the affair, but I’ll bet there are other areas of your life where you can find progress and contentment. Give yourself permission to acknowledge those. We are all a work in progress. Perfection is impossible. But growth is not. As long as you moving toward growth, even with tons of setbacks, then you are doing just fine. You can read about my own unique progression at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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Understandably, many wives take a hard line once they find out their husband has been having an affair: end it or there is no chance to work on the marriage. Some husbands delay ending things. Others do so immediately. But most who want to save their marriages eventually do it. However, once this obstacle is finally out of the way, it’s often not entirely clear what is supposed to happen next.

Here’s what I mean. A wife could explain, “when I found out about my husband’s affair, I was enraged. I would not even talk to him for days. I would not accept his calls or texts. However, once I finally did, I assumed that the affair was already over. Why would he be reaching out to me if it wasn’t? However, once I talked to him, he conceded that he hadn’t ended the affair. I told him that until he did, we had nothing to talk about. He showed up a week later announcing that the affair was over. He acted as though this was the main hurdle we needed to cross. The implication was that now that he’d closed this chapter, we could just go back to our regular life. This is laughable to me. His ending the affair was his ticket to a seat at the table, nothing more. It meant that I was willing to listen to him. But he acts if ending it was all he needed to do. So, my question is: he ended the affair, what now?”

Honestly, in my opinion, this is up to you. Because you are the one who is going to have to decide what scenario will make you comfortable and willing to open yourself up to your marriage again. No one can answer these questions but you, but I am willing to share what was important to me in a similar scenario.

My husband ended his affair without any prompting, but how was this supposed to be enough? Sure, that removed a very important issue, but very larger issues remained: What lead up to this? How did I know he wasn’t lying? How could I trust him again? What was the extent of his remorse and how did he work around it? Would he be able to identify his vulnerabilities and change them so that this never happened to me again? Yes, this is a lot to address, but he needed to address every single issue for me to know that he was serious about saving our marriage.

Sometimes, people will say, “that’s too many hoops to jump through. My husband won’t do all these things.” My response is that he will if he loves you and wants your marriage. And you don’t need to do everything at once.” I’m not even sure that you could do everything at once. Instead, ask yourself which issues are most important to you and systematically present them as your marriage can withstand it. Make it clear upfront that this is going to be a process. And it is going to take time. I was clear that I wasn’t committing to anything – other than to wait and see what happened as we tried extensive rehabilitation.

That said, you don’t want to make this situation seem impossible. When my husband did as I asked, I acknowledged his efforts and opened myself up a little more with every stride we made. But I went into this process very guarded at first. And I only dropped my guard as my husband’s behaviors and actions proved to me that I could. I am sure that he became frustrated at times. It was a long process. But it was of his own making. And I simply was not going to put my faith back into him or my marriage until it felt safe.

My strategy may not be the right strategy for anyone else. Every wife has to decide what she wants and needs for herself. But, I don’t believe that ending the affair is all that is required to move on. I have seen too many couples end rehabilitation far too early. It’s usually not pretty. The faithful spouse can remain resentful, distrustful, and angry while the cheating spouse wonders when this will ever end.

So while my rehabilitation criteria may have been lengthy, when my husband did it, I then let it go. It was then mostly over. I can’t claim that it never comes up. But, for the most part, we have moved on. If I had just allowed the ending of the affair to be the end of what was required, I am certain our marriage would look very different now – for the worse – if we had any marriage at all.

It is natural for any faithful wife to have questions about the affair and demands after it. Ending the affair does not answer these questions and is often only the beginning of the concessions, at least in my opinion and observation. Frankly, it is easier to ask for too much and to then re-evaluate and to ask for nothing and regret it later.  You can read more about our recovery at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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Most people believe that they have a good idea of how cheating might affect the faithful spouse. For example, if a husband has cheated on his wife, many people assume that the wife will become angry, bitter, and unable to let go of her anger. And, in some cases, this is true – at least for a little while.

However, BOTH spouses can go through a series of both expected and unexpected emotions that have long term effects on a person’s life. This article will outline what you might see from both the faithful and unfaithful spouse.

The Faithful Spouse: There is a reason that the stereotypical idea of a faithful spouse’s behavior persists. Most of us have strong opinions about how we would feel or react if our own spouse was cheating on us. It’s easy to imagine the shock, anger, devastation, and self-doubt that such an act might cause. We can all identity and empathize with this. And yes, many faithful spouses (myself included) feel many of the emotions that everyone expects of us. Yes, we feel rage, embarrassment, self-blame, self-pity, struggling self-esteem, grief, and sadness. Very often, we direct at least some of our anger at ourselves because we’re frustrated that we allowed this to crop up in our marriages or that we didn’t see it coming.

Unfortunately, many faithful spouses have to grapple with a cheating spouse who is attempting to re-write their marital history. In order to justify cheating, sometimes the unfaithful spouse will try to lay some of the blame onto the faithful spouse. He’ll claim the marriage was struggling or that the faithful spouse wasn’t attentive or present. These accusations can intensify the pain and betrayal, especially when the faithful spouse knows the accusations aren’t true.

Occasionally, the faithful spouse may feel emotions that people do not expect. Some are embarrassed not for themselves, but for their husbands. These women sometimes eventually find humor in the situation. Some feel relief. They’d suspected their spouse of cheating and he’d denied it, calling them paranoid or crazy. So to have validation that you are not crazy can feel pretty good. Some wives wanted out of an unhappy marriage, so the cheating gives them the excuse to exit.

My point is that the experiences of the faithful spouse after an affair can be unique as the spouses themselves. Some struggle for a long time afterward. Others get on with their lives fairly quickly. Some leave their marriages immediately. And others fight for them and are happy that they did (I am in this category.)

The Cheating Spouse: Like with the faithful spouse, there is also the stereotypical view of the cheating spouse. People assume that this is a middle-aged man who is giddy to suddenly feel desired again. And, to be sure, some people who cheat do fit this stereotype. Regardless of the situation, many people do feel glee in the initial stages of an affair. However, this rarely lasts. Soon enough, reality sets in with all the guilt, shame, and embarrassment that comes with it.

This behavior can bring about self-loathing as the cheating spouse struggles to explain his poor judgment. Unfortunately, it’s rare for cheating to remain a secret. Soon enough, friends, family members, co-workers, and members of the community are well aware of the cheating and ready to pass judgment about it. Children can completely turn their back on a cheating spouse. In these cases, infidelity can ruin the parental relationship forever.

Understandably, the faithful spouse can also retreat or keep their distance, making the cheating spouse feel as if he has nowhere to turn. Adding to this frustration, the cheating spouse can sincerely want to make up for his actions, but he will never be given the chance because the anger runs so deep. Some people will feel that this type of betrayal can never be made right. That is why some cheating spouses describe their cheating as “a mistake I will have to pay for the rest of my life.” In some cases, this is a true statement.

It is very rare for anyone to exit an affair unscathed. The cheating and faithful spouse often experience intense pain that can last for some time. If anyone reading this is considering cheating or has just started an affair, my hope would be that this article gives you pause so that you either never cheat to begin with, or that you end the affair immediately.

There is almost never an upside to cheating. And the downside can follow both you and your innocent partner around for years. It’s just not worth the pain, which, incidentally, is completely avoidable. I hope this article has shown that there is a wide variety of emotions and consequences that follow infidelity, with most of them being negative.

That doesn’t mean that a person can’t recover. They can. But it is easier and less painful to avoid the situation altogether. You can read about how we recovered from the affair at http://surviving-the-affair.com  But, I would never tell anyone that the recovery was easy.

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I often hear from spouses who are hearing various excuses as to why their spouse cheated or had an affair. Most of the time, the excuses are somewhat questionable. However, sometimes a spouse may claim a medical excuse for cheating, which can make the faithful spouse re-evaluate her stance. One example is having a mental condition like bipolar disorder.

A wife might explain, “after my husband went to see a counselor about his affair, the counselor turned around and diagnosed him with bipolar disorder. Now he is claiming that he cheated on me because he was manic. I am not so sure that I buy this as anything other than a convenient excuse and here is why. This was his first visit to a counselor’s office because he has never had any mental health issues before. Before I caught him cheating on me, nothing in his behavior was out of the ordinary. My husband has never expressed a belief that he had any mental issues. It is only now, in midlife, and after being caught cheating, that he is suddenly worried about his mental health. Having said all this, I don’t want to be the wife who doesn’t support her husband in sickness and in health. I don’t know how I can just tell him that not only do I not believe him but that I don’t support his treatment. I would look awful if I did that. So is there anything to people cheating when they are bipolar? Is it believable for someone to get this diagnosis in middle age?”

I will try to answer these questions from a layperson’s point of view, but I would suggest that you go to your husband’s next appointment and direct these questions to his doctor. It is always a great idea to educate yourself about anything a spouse (or any family member) is dealing with.

That said, I have a little bit of experience with this issue as I have a friend who was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in midlife and as she approached menopause. And she, too, was unfaithful during a manic episode. I can share what I have witnessed in her situation and I can tell you why I believe she was able to fix her marriage afterward.

Midlife Bipolar Disorder: The median age for the diagnosis of bipolar disorder in one’s mid-twenties. However, it is not at all uncommon to get a diagnosis earlier or later than this. In fact, there is a subsection of people who are diagnosed after age sixty. This is called “late-onset bipolar disorder.” A 2015 study indicated that twenty-five percent of people with bipolar disorder fall into this category, either because they were previously misdiagnosed or because they did not exhibit symptoms until later in life.

In my friend’s case, she believes that the hormonal changes leading up to menopause may have been a contributing factor. She may never know if her theory is true, but she felt much better after finding a medication regimen that worked in combination with hormone replacement therapy.

Deciding How (Or Whether) The Cheating Fits Into The Diagnosis: I completely understand not wanting to excuse a partner’s cheating regardless of any medical condition. As a wife who has been cheated on, I know how important accountability truly is. That said, in my friend’s case, her husband did decide to take his wife’s diagnosis into account when deciding whether he wanted to save the marriage. Again, I can only pass along his reasoning. And I am not here to say if it was right or wrong. But his thinking went something like this: After speaking with her doctor, he came to believe that people in a state of mania do not have complete control over their actions. That’s why they participate in extreme behaviors while manic – such as obsessively shopping, staying up for days on end, or having sex with strangers. People in a manic state can also experience hypersexuality.

Another consideration was that my friend had never been unfaithful. In fact, before her symptoms emerged, she had been a loyal, committed wife and an outstanding mother. She told her husband about her actions immediately afterward and pleaded for help. She hid nothing, including her concern for her own sanity. She was also completely transparent about her symptoms and about her treatment throughout the process. She never used her bipolar disorder as justification for her actions, but she knew herself well enough to know that she would never have risked her family or her marriage if she had been functioning normally. My friend willingly took her prescribed medication and followed her prescribed protocol. She worked tirelessly to restore both her health and her marriage.

This story may have been very different if my friend had been a serial cheater, refused treatment for the bipolar disorder, and demanded that her husband not ask questions or not attempt to be involved in her treatment. In fact, the opposite was true. She wanted her husband with her every step of the way. She was an open book and wanted him to hold her accountable if she stopped taking her meds or following her protocol.

Again, as a faithful spouse, I don’t make a habit of excusing cheating behavior. I believe that most of the time, it is a choice. But I also know that a person experiencing mania will not make sound choices because they are not themselves. This is why they take medication – to stop the mania.

I am not a doctor but am merely passing along that it is possible to live well with bipolar disorder (with treatment) and it is possible to recover from infidelity. (You can read about how I recovered at http://surviving-the-affair.com)  Both will likely require effort, treatment, and two spouses who are committed to making it work. Please work with your spouse’s doctor to see that he gets the help he needs, regardless of how you want to proceed with your marriage. In fact, there is nothing wrong with waiting to make a decision about your marriage until you have educated yourself about what your husband is dealing with and supporting him through his treatment.

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