Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

by: Katie Lersch: Having a husband or boyfriend who cheated is a big hit to your self-esteem. You begin to doubt your marriage and your ability to make your husband happy or to be enough. There are tons of old stereotypes that imply that if a man cheats, it’s because his wife doesn’t understand him, he’s not happy in his marriage, or his sex life at home is lacking. While I’m sure that there are men who cheat for these reasons, there are many other common reasons that men cheat, and many of them have nothing at all to do with the wife or the marriage. I’ll discuss some of the various reasons that men cheat in the following article.

Sometimes Men Cheat Because They Are Not Happy With How They Perceive Themselves: Often it’s not you that your husband isn’t happy with, it’s himself. Often adultery is nothing more than a band-aid on low self-esteem which is why you will often see affairs in times of a man’s personal crises, like after losing a parent, losing a job, or aging. In short, he feels that he’s lost something and he’s using the affair as a means to make himself feel more capable and strong. If he’s desirable and special to someone else who hasn’t witnessed his weaknesses, struggles, and shortcomings, then he can pretend that they don’t exist. It’s sort of like having a temporary blank slate or fresh start because often this woman doesn’t have the intimate knowledge of him that you have, and in his mind, at least right now, that appears to be a good thing.

He will often see the affair as a temporary diversion that provides relief to his anxieties. He will tell himself that no one needs to know about it and that since it doesn’t really mean anything to him emotionally, at the end of the day he can just pack up and go home without anyone being the wiser and without anyone needing to be hurt or affected. Yes, he may feel some guilt and when this all comes crashing down around him, he is likely going to be deeply sorry, but unfortunately, this thought process often doesn’t come until it’s way too late to change things.

Risk-Taking As A Way To Generate Excitement In His Life: Another trend that I often see is men who feel like their lives are in a slump or who have become bored with themselves and will then use an affair or cheating as a way to bump up the excitement level in their life. It’s sort of risk-taking as a way to instill some of the excitement and drama that they feel that they are missing out on. Often, by the time that the affair ends badly, they’d give anything to have their “boring” life back, but at the time of the infidelity, they’ll often tell themselves that this risky behavior makes them feel “alive” and that life is too short not to enjoy yourself and experience new things.

The Old Notion That Men Who Refuse Sexual Advances Aren’t Masculine: There is a small subset of men who tell me that although they were happy in their marriages and still loved their wife, they found themselves in a situation where another woman came on to them and they grew up with the notion that no man in their right man would turn down a desirable woman who is offering to leave no strings attached. Some men grow up in a culture that implies that turning down attractive women is a sign that they aren’t masculine or manly enough.

This is ridiculous of course and I don’t know many wives who would buy this, but many men have insisted to me that this is the reasoning behind their risking everything for a tryst outside of their marriage. Again, they are able to compartmentalize this and tell themselves that since the woman meant nothing at all to them, this shouldn’t affect their marriage or their wife.

The Role That Your Marriage Plays In The Affair: As I’ve said, there are countless men who had strong and stable marriages at home with a loving wife and a satisfying sex life who still cheat. And, if you ask those men what is so wrong with their wives that they had to go outside of the marriage, they will typically answer with something like: “Nothing at all. My wife is wonderful and my marriage was a happy one,” while they insist that the affair had nothing to do with the marriage.

Still, there are those men who play the blame game and they’ll say that their wife didn’t have time for them, didn’t make intimacy a priority, and had let the marriage grow stale. They’ll say that the mistress listens to them, appreciates them, and understands them, (while they are rarely able to see their own shortcomings as contributing to this process.)

 And while hearing this can make you defensive, almost every marriage has a few places where it is vulnerable. Is this an excuse to cheat? Absolutely not. But it does make sense to explore ways to identify and fix these areas if you want to save the marriage. And make no mistake, marriages can be solid and even sometimes better after an affair because it forces you to lay all of your cards on the table and to be brutally honest about places where your marriage could use some improvement.

by: Katie Lersch: Often, the articles that I write are meant to help wives who are having problems or difficulties forgiving and healing from a husband’s cheating. The other day though, I had a discussion that was a little different. This wife was not having trouble forgiving her husband’s affair (she already had), but because he couldn’t forgive himself for his cheating, and of course that was also making it difficult for both of them to move on. In the following article, I’ll tell you the advice and tips that I told her – meant to help her husband forgive himself for the affair.

Understand That A Husband’s Cheating Is Often Tied To His Low Or Lowering Self-Esteem:  Many people mistake the reasons for affairs. So many assume that it has everything to do with sex or that a couple’s sex life has become stale at home, so a man will cheat as a way to broaden his sexual horizons. I guess this might happen from time to time, but more often than not, the affair comes about because the husband is trying to fix some perceived inadequacies within himself. He’s not feeling young anymore, or powerful, or worthy, or attractive. 

So, when the opportunity presents itself, he can justify it because he sees it as a way out of the negative feelings that have been plaguing him. Many men think that they will just take care of this problem, end it, and then move on as if nothing ever happened. They assume that they aren’t going to be caught and so they don’t see the need to complicate things with confessions or explanations.

But, something obviously has gone wrong. The wife now knows about the affair and it has caused her a great deal of pain. He knows that he needs to make amends and to make things right. But, the pain and hurt in your eyes and in your very stance continue to remind him of that weakness that he was trying to cover up in the first place.

Does He Know Or Feel That You’ve Really Forgiven Him? Does He Doubt Your Sincerity?: Often, when you get these situations where the husband can’t forgive himself for cheating, you have no choice but to look back at the wife – although obviously, this isn’t always the cause. Because often a man’s feelings about this are going to come from the either silent or not-so-silent cues that he’s getting from his wife.

Many men will say that although their wives have said that they’ve forgiven the cheating and have moved on, their body language, actions, suspicions, and resentment all tell a different tale. The wives will continue to look at them with downcast eyes, will continue to shy away from intimacy, and will continue to keep their husbands at arm’s distance. He’s not letting himself off the hook because deep down, you aren’t either.

He can take one look at you and tell that you, and the marriage, are still very much damaged. And, he knows without a shadow of a doubt this is all his fault. His already low self-esteem combined with this guilt and shame is a very dangerous situation that is not at all fun. But, he knows that he’s made this mess and he can’t see a way out of it.

How Both Of You Can Ultimately Forgive The Affair And Move On: Honestly, truly healing from an affair takes time, patience, and commitment from both parties. You have to be patient with yourself. And, you have to be willing to be completely honest, excruciatingly vulnerable, and willing to open yourself up to someone who has hurt you. This can feel risky and wrong. But, for a marriage to truly heal, these things are necessary and the rewards can be great.

The key to this whole thing is for both of you to believe that you can right this wrong together. It truly is possible to use this as the stimulus you need to fix things until they’re not only no longer broken, they’re better than they ever were. This does happen. When I tell people this, they’ll often say “Well, that’s going to happen for me.” I understand why you may think this way, but this does nothing to help you right now. 

The people who actually emerge OK after an affair are able to do so because they’ve rebuilt the trust and they’ve established a marriage that is actually better than the one before it. They’ve learned to communicate on a deeper level and they feel completely understood. As a result, they’re satisfied and fulfilled. In short, they are happy, so they have no need to keep picking at the scabs of the past. They’ve forgiven because not only are they OK, they’re in a better place than they ever were.

Granted, this may read like the whole process is backward. Maybe. But I promise you if you can get to a place where your marriage is fulfilling and whole (and sometimes you just have to trust the process and go along even if you have your doubts), then forgiveness will be the last thing on your mind. Honestly, eventually, that becomes yesterday’s news.

by: Katie Lersch: It’s understandable that you would want to confront the woman that your husband cheated with. You likely want her to know that this deception is over and that you know everything. She needs to know that she will no longer have free reign with your husband. You likely also need to put your presence and your existence into her consciousness. You want her to know that you are a real person with a real life and a real family that she has very negatively and selfishly affected.

It’s also likely that you know who she is. It’s very common for the wife to know the mistress – or at least to be familiar with who she is. Men commonly cheat with coworkers, neighbors, and mutual friends, so your situation is likely one where this woman is not a stranger to you. (And even if she is, you likely still very much want to have your say.)

I’m often asked what is the best way to tell this woman that you know about the affair. Most women intuitively know that this is a situation that can potentially go very very badly. Many women feel very strongly that they need to do this, but somewhere deep in their hearts, they know that doing so can be potentially hurtful. Many are afraid that, should a meeting or confrontation take place, it’s quite possible that the other woman is going to tell you something that you don’t or didn’t know — something that is going to hurt and surprise you even more, something that is going to make you even more furious at your husband, and something that is going to make you feel even worse about your situation.

So, in the following article, I will discuss the least hurtful way to say what you need to say to this woman to get the closure that you need while preserving your own mental health and well-being in the process.

Releasing What You Need To Say To The Woman Who Had An Affair With Your Husband: There are likely many reasons that you want to tell this woman that you know all about her. But, one of the most persuasive is usually that you think that this is going to give you some closure, will make you feel a bit better, and will provide you with some release of tension. And, if you do this correctly, it might offer some of these things.

But, if you do it incorrectly, sometimes, it just makes things feel worse. I can not tell you how many women I hear from who tell me that they wish they had never ever laid eyes on this woman or allowed her even a second of their attention. Often, the meeting hurts rather than heals you and makes you think about this person more rather than less.

It’s very important that you do not allow this to happen. It is hard enough to get over and heal from an affair without allowing this person to have a prominent place in your home, in your mind, and in your doubts, You have to be very protective of yourself right now. I agree that you need to release these feelings and “have your say.” But, you and you alone are in control of how this happens.

Personally, I think that the safest way to go about this is to write her a letter. This way, you have absolute control of how this is going to go. She can’t interrupt you this way or blurt out something hurtful, spiteful, or inappropriate. She can’t turn this back onto you. So, you have much less of a chance of being hurt if you write a letter.

Writing A Letter To Your Husband’s Mistress: You have to be careful here though. You want her to know how you feel and what she’s done, but you don’t want to insinuate that you can’t handle yourself, your husband, or your marriage. You don’t want to paint yourself as a victim or try to elicit her sympathy. You can take care of yourself and you really don’t need her pity.

What you need for her to know is this. You know what she did. You are very well aware of her. And, she needs to stop this behavior and move on to someone else rather than your husband. You don’t want to make threats. You simply want her to know that this deception is up and that she has no place in your life because she is not welcome.

If you say any more than this, you might invite her or inspire her to linger and attempt to prove you wrong. You really do not want to engage with her, give you a place in your life, or let her hang on for longer than necessary. You want this to be your last word on this – once and for all.

Honestly, I’ve had women tell me that once they wrote the letter, they felt the release that they were after and so they chose not to send the letter. They burned it instead. They were just wanting the release and they didn’t want to give this woman any way back into their lives.

Confronting The Woman That Your Husband Had An Affair With Face To Face: I think that this is a pretty bad idea for many. Sometimes women don’t like the letter idea. I’ve had people ask me if emails were a decent way to go about this. I suppose that this can be preferable to a face-to-face meeting for some. But, the problem with this is that now you’ve given her a way to contact you.

What if she keeps sending you nasty or nagging emails? Now, you’ll have more trouble getting rid of her and getting her out of your mind and your life. If you must go the email route, get yourself a one-time-only email address at a place that is not your home. (A public library can work well for this.) Send the email and then never look back. Never go back to that account. Never allow her back into your life or your mind. Again, keep the email to the points you want to make and say no more. Don’t make threats or write anything you wouldn’t feel comfortable with someone else reading.

Many women really feel that they want to look this person in the eye. I do understand this, but so much can go wrong here. If you absolutely must do this, I suggest taking a calming friend who will stay in the car, but who will be there to intervene if things start to go wrong. If voices are raised or things get out of hand, the friend can offer a reasonable voice and can stop the situation when you are not emotionally able to do it. (Never put yourself or anyone else in a dangerous situation – either physically or emotionally.)

Have what you need to say mostly memorized. Say your peace and then turn around and leave. 

I know that this is probably one of many difficult issues right now. Take it one day at a time. Be kind to yourself.  Believe it or not, you can get through this.  You can read more about how I did at https://surviving-the-affair.com/

by: Katie Lersch: People often ask me if it’s possible “to start over” after one of the spouses in a marriage has had an affair. Understandably, usually one or both of the spouses doubt that things will ever “be the same” or “right” again. They suspect that this betrayal has forever altered (or ruined) the potential of their marriage. Even if these assumptions bring about great sadness or loss, many people assume that there really is no way to make things right again. They assume that the cheating and the affair have introduced such a big obstacle and stressor into the marriage that these things can and will never be fully overcome.

I understand these assumptions because I made them myself. And I certainly can’t and won’t lie. Starting over after an affair is difficult and it takes a lot of hard work. But, it is not at all impossible. I have done it and I know countless people who have been successful at it also. In the following article, I will offer four ways that you and your spouse can begin to start over after an affair.

Make Sure That The Cheating Partner Adequately Expresses His Sorrow And Understanding Of What The Betrayed Spouse Is Going Through Few feelings are as devastating as knowing that your spouse has betrayed you in this way. It’s highly likely that you’re going to feel like the odd person out and that most everyone knew about this except for you. It’s so important that the spouse who cheated completely and truly understands what a huge mistake they have made. It’s perfectly natural for you to want them to “feel your pain.” And it’s equally important that they can do this.

For you to even begin to think about trusting them again, you have to know that they fully understand exactly how devastating their actions were. It’s very important that they continuously and clearly communicate this to you rather than assuming or hoping that you know how sorry they are for their cheating. If there was only one piece of advice that I could give a cheating spouse, it would be to directly and repeatedly approach their spouse to express their sorrow and remorse. I can not tell you how many times I hear people say “he’s not really sorry. He’s just sorry that he’s been caught.” Your spouse must come to believe that you are really and truly sorry – so sorry in fact, that you are not going to do this again.

Don’t Be Afraid To Delve Very Deeply Into Why The Affair Happened So That You Can Fix What Is Not Working: Many people want to “get over” the affair as quickly as possible. They don’t want to dwell on things for one second longer than they might have to. But, if you attempt to brush things off too quickly, you will likely always have flashbacks, fears, and struggles because you did not adequately identify and tackle the problems.

Issues that are not adequately fixed and put behind you have a way of rearing their ugly heads over and over again. This in turn is going to make you doubtful, resentful, and suspicious. It’s not until you understand why this happened and then adequately fix these things do you begin to be able to sincerely move on with a decent amount of confidence.

Support Each Other Individually, But Offer The Reassurance That Is Needed: Many spouses who cheat will begin to become frustrated when their spouse begins to focus on their appearance and self-esteem. Likewise, the spouse who was cheated on might balk at the cheating spouse wanting to try individual counseling. Both people need to understand that two stronger individuals who are happy and confident are going to make for a stronger marriage. Your spouse will most certainly need to restore their self-confidence and self-esteem after they have been betrayed in this way. Do not attempt to make them feel guilty for this. Their feeling good about themselves is only going to benefit you.

It’s also important that the cheating spouse does the self-work needed to work through the issues and doubts that lead to this sort of shortcomings and decision-making. Doing self-work is completely OK, but you also need to understand that your spouse is going to need reassurance that you’re doing this to help your marriage. You need to be patient when your spouse wants you to check in and wants to know where you have been. This sort of “checking up” needs to happen for as long as is necessary.

Work Together To Create A Marriage That Is Better Than The Marriage Before The Affair: In all honestly, the best way to “start over” after an affair, is to commit to creating a better, less vulnerable marriage. This is really the only way to bring something positive out of something so negative. And, once you are both happy, secure, and fulfilled again, then there is really no reason to continue to look back and to live in the past. Yes, it can be a lot of work to get to this new place. But, it can also be very much worth it in the end. I used to be very skeptical of people who said things like “The affair was the best thing that ever happened to our marriage,” but now I know that for people who can create a new and better marriage, this phrase can be true.

by: Katie Lersch: I sometimes speak with wives who are greatly struggling with learning that their husband has had or is having an affair. They are often shocked, deeply hurt, and feeling quite betrayed. Often, even if they have seen friends and acquaintances going through this, they never thought that this would happen to them and they’re feeling quite vulnerable and devastated, especially in the beginning.

I understand this deeply as I went through it myself. Sometimes, you wonder if you’re going to be able to get through this with your happiness and your self-esteem intact. You wonder if you have it in you to effectively cope with this. And, you wonder if things feel ever feel “right” or reasonably normal again. All of these things can eventually happen. I am living proof of that. Sometimes it just takes work and time, but it can and often does happen. In the following article, I’ll offer some tips and advice on how to effectively cope with his affair, while keeping your own well-being intact.

Accept That The Past Can Not Be Changed. It’s The Present And The Future That Counts: Here’s one thing that you can count on to be absolutely true. You can save yourself a lot of time and agony if you can just wrap your brain around the fact that you can not change what has happened. What is in the past has to remain there. You can’t undo this, no matter how much you might like to.

So, dwelling on this is not going to undo this wrong or turn back the clock. Many of us (myself included) spend a lot of time spinning our wheels going over and over this and lamenting how unfair it all is. It absolutely is unfair. No one can argue that. But what is done is done. It can not change. So your time and energy are always going to be better spent on moving forward and working on fixing what is in front of you right now. This is where your focus should be because placing it in the past is not good and only continues to wound you when nothing can be changed anyway.

Place Your Focus On Yourself, Not On Him, His Affair, Or What You Did Wrong: It may well be your inclination to focus on what he is and was thinking and feeling, and there may be a time for that later, but in the early stages, safeguarding your own well being has got to be priority number one. Worry about yourself and what will make things better for you, and not necessarily better for him.

You are likely hurt, confused, and struggling at times. There is a lot on your plate so you can not worry about what everyone under the sun besides yourself thinks and feels. You have to be your number one priority right now. You have to ask yourself what you need to make things as bearable as they can possibly be. This is not the time to be selfless or to worry that you are being self-centered. You are going to need to be your own most loyal and vigilant ally right now.

And, resist any urge to beat yourself up, blame yourself, or make any rash decisions. None of this was your fault. You did nothing wrong. You can not and should not punish yourself for someone else’s unfortunate decisions and actions. You did not cause this so there is no reason to blame or punish yourself. Although you may not believe me when I say that you might feel very differently with time, this often turns out to be true. That’s why you must take the time that you need and resist making lasting changes or decisions when you are probably not in the emotional state of mind to best do so.

When You Are Ready, Define What You Want And Need To Move Forward: Once you’ve had time to process all of this, take some time to ask yourself what it’s going to take to help you begin to inch forward. For some women, this means that they will need some answers. For some, this means that they want to work with their spouse on the marriage. For others, it might mean that they want to determine why this happened to keep it from happening again. Some will decide they need to be on their own for a while.

What you need is going to vary, but be honest (even with yourself) about what this is. There are no right and wrong answers. And you don’t get any special award or metal if you are a martyr. Remember that this is about you and your healing. You are the only one who is going to know what you need. And if you don’t ask for and demand it, then you may not get it.

When you have decided what you need and want, work tirelessly to get it without apology. As unfair as it is, sometimes it is you who is going to have to provide these things for yourself. You may have to ask or demand that these things happen but never stop short of what you truly want and deserve. Just because someone else acted in a hurtful way, this doesn’t mean that you should let this derail you. Your happiness and well-being are as important as everyone else’s. And honestly, sometimes the self-work that comes after an affair ends up being the most healthy thing that has ever happened to you. Because it forces you to define what is really important and to go after it.

In my own case, I might never have made the positive changes that I ultimately made if I were not forced into this life-altering event. Was it painful and awful? Yes, it was. But ultimately, I used it as a catalyst to bring some positive things out of what was, especially at first, a quite negative and painful event.

by: Katie Lersch: I sometimes speak with wives and girlfriends who have found out that their husband or boyfriend has been cheating and are not at all sure how to handle it or how to proceed. Some common comments are things like: “I can’t envision our relationship ever being the same again. This hurts so much, but I still love him. What do I do now?;” or “I just don’t know what to do now. I’m angry. I’m hurt. I am filled with self-doubt. I want to do something to move myself forward, but I just don’t want to know what.” I’ll share some of the insights from these comments below.

Don’t Take Any Drastic Action While You’re Still Reeling From The Affair: It’s so common to become so upset that you want to do something very drastic and lasting just to feel like you’re doing something. This hurts so much that you want to fix it immediately. 

And, let’s face it. It can feel momentarily good to lash out and make a huge scene or fuss. Sure, this relieves the tension for a short time, but often, you will come to regret these actions and decisions because you weren’t thinking rationally when you made them.

Often we regret these reactions. They don’t paint us in a flattering light and sometimes they are just downright embarrassing. If you need to rage at something or someone, entrust this with a friend. Use your journal. There will be plenty of time to go off on your boyfriend or spouse when you’ve had the time to fully process this. But, give yourself some distance before you do. Your reacting very badly only him more justification for doing what he did. Many women will see this as letting him off the hook. It really isn’t. You will have your say, but wait until it’s really you talking and not just your gut reaction.

Evaluate Why This Cheating Happened: It’s important that you understand exactly why the affair happened for many reasons. And, if any good comes out of this, it will likely be a better understanding of yourself and how you function in relationships. 

This cheating is not your fault, no matter what the state of the relationship was. Your spouse or boyfriend had many other available options. They chose to cheat instead. Do not beat yourself up for this decision on their part.

With that said though, take a look at any part that you may have had in this, even a small part. I’m not telling you to do this to blame yourself. I’m telling you to do this because any information that allows you to improve, grow, and work on your own self-knowledge and self-confidence is a gift – no matter how you got it. 

Whether you want to save your relationship or not, one day you will have to allow yourself to be vulnerable and trust again. This will be easier if you know why this happened so that you can prevent it from happening again.

Deciding Whether You’re Better Off With Him Or Without Him: Eventually, you will need to evaluate whether you want to cut your losses or want to rehabilitate your relationship with him. This often requires you to look past the hurt and rage and to evaluate his behaviors and actions before the affair. 

Because there was a life before the cheating, and either you were happy with it at one time or you weren’t. Many times, we have a whole lot of history with this person and they do have many redeeming qualities, but we allow one act and one mistake to erase all of that. 

Again, I’m not excusing the cheating. I have felt the hurt of being cheated on and I would never excuse this. But, I also know that to move on, you need to separate the act from the man. You need to be able to think about whether he was good to you and for you before the cheating happened.

Sometimes, doing this will show you that he’s never been that great for you and has pretty much always caused you pain and self-doubt. Other times, this will help you see that he’s been your rock and your partner until this one event. 

Only you can determine if it’s worth hanging on and trying to work this out. But, I can tell you that people who can move on can separate previous history from one event.

Be “Selfish” And Focus On Yourself And What Makes You Happy: Many times, women make the period after the affair one that I call “all about him.” They want to know why he did this, how he feels right now, what he’s doing, and what’s wrong with you that caused him to do this. 

I understand why these questions seem important. But, it’s better to place your focus on yourself. Because, until you’re OK with yourself, it really doesn’t matter very much what your husband says. You’re not going to believe him anyway. He can tell you that he will never do this again because he’s committed to and loves you. 

He can reassure you that he still finds you beautiful and sexy and wants to be with you, but if you’re still filled with anger, unhappiness, and self-doubt, you’re not hearing a word he says and you continue to walk around dragging the anger and hurt behind you.

To move past this, you must create your own happiness and you must know that you can handle another’s shortcomings because, at the end of the day, you’re all you really have and all you really need. 

You can get by just fine on your own, but you choose to be with him or not because it suits you and because it’s what you want. You have to understand that you deserve and want the very best for yourself. You deserve nothing less than this. Only you can decide if your husband or boyfriend fits this bill. 

But your mind and your heart should be in a good place when you make this decision. It won’t be in this place if you’re not in a good place with yourself.