Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Remorse is one place where wives dealing with unfaithful husbands tend to hyper-focus. It is challenging to forgive under these circumstances. But it is almost impossible to forgive when your husband is indignant that he did nothing wrong. Often, it is difficult to determine just how sorry a husband is when his claims say one thing, and his actions say quite another.

A wife might explain, “I know that my husband cares about me. I don’t question that. We’ve been through so much together over the years, from challenges with life circumstances to issues with our kids. So I know that he is protective of me, and that he would not purposely hurt me. He likely didn’t think that I would catch him cheating, but I did. And I can tell that he mirrors my pain. He hurts because he hurt me. And, by extension, this is going to hurt our children. I know in my heart that he deeply regrets this. But what I doubt is whether he is remorseful over the affair itself. Yes, he is undoubtedly sorry about the consequences of the affair. But, I sometimes believe that if I had never found out, and therefore I was never hurt, he would not regret having the affair in the least. What got my suspicions up was the look on his face one day as he was scrolling through his computer. I’m sure he was reading communications with her. That look wasn’t like my husband. He was laughing and was nearly giddy with pleasure. However, when he realized I was watching him, he jumped up quickly, like he’d been literally caught with his pants down. That is when I knew that something was up. However, although the betrayal itself hurt me, there was something else that hurt me much more. My husband looked joyful at that moment. He looked like he found something of value. I haven’t seen that look on his face in a long time. And weirdly, even though he is caught cheating and things haven’t been great in our home, he sometimes STILL has that look on his face when he thinks I am not looking. It’s like he’s still blissful over it, even if it has to end. That is why I don’t think he regrets the affair. And if he doesn’t truly regret it, I’m not sure that my marriage stands a chance.”

Understanding Why He May Resist Remorse: I understand how hard this is. I’ve been in your shoes. But I’d like to gently point out that there is one thing you haven’t considered. Assuming you are correct and that your husband only regrets the consequences of the affair (and you might be wrong,) nothing says that his attitude won’t change or evolve over time.

It is very common for men to be somewhat defensive about their actions soon after discovery. They are usually looking for some justification that will help them soften the blow. As a result, they’ll sometimes convince themselves that either they aren’t sorry, or that they have nothing to be sorry for.

But, assuming that the affair is actually over, they will no longer be getting reinforcement from the affair. Those dopamine hits of excitement are no longer present. So they are going to be more vulnerable to harsh reality. And this is usually when remorse can enter the picture.

Why Empathy Is A Powerful Starting Place: I suspect that you believe that most men who cheat feel sorrow about hurting their wives. You probably think that there is nothing special about your situation. But, you may be surprised at how many men convince themselves so fully that they were justified in the affair that they don’t even feel sorrow about the consequences. They’ll tell the wife that if she had kept him satisfied, or paid attention more, she wouldn’t be hurt right now. They’ll imply that it is her own fault.

So the fact that your husband isn’t doing any of these things is a good start. Yes, he eventually needs to get to a place where he feels genuine remorse for EVERYTHING concerning the affair, but the fact that he still feels deep empathy for you and responsibility for your well-being is an advantage that not all wives have.

As Tempting As It May Be, You Don’t Always Have To Guilt Or Push Him Into Remorse: I know that you may want to very loudly list all of the reasons why he should be crawling on his knees and apologizing to you, while genuinely meaning it. But don’t forget that he’s still in self-preservation mode. He may still be defensive.

So when you push, he may well push back. And this doesn’t bring him any closer to feeling necessary remorse. In fact, it may make it easier for him to justify his behavior. Instead of thinking, “My wife doesn’t deserve this. She did nothing wrong, and now she’s having to clean up my mess,” he may instead think: “There she is again criticizing me and bringing me down. No wonder I had to escape to someone else.”

Don’t give him the option of blaming you. Conduct yourself in a way that doesn’t give him the ability to do this. You don’t need to pretend that everything is fine, or that you aren’t hurt. But often, it is more effective to allow him to come to his own conclusions about his behavior. He is more likely to take it to heart when it is his own realization that was not coerced or forced.

He’s already proven to still feel empathy toward you, so I’d suspect that in time, as the haze of the affair begins to lift, he will feel remorse for all of it.

I know that it is maddening that you can’t make complete progress right now, and all at once. But this can be a process for BOTH parties. What you yourself feel, perceive, and experience may also change in time. So it is very important to take care of yourself and not be too judgmental or analytical as things change for you also.

I know that it is hard, but you can get through this. You can read about my similar journey at https://surviving-the-affair.com

 

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