Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

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By: Katie Lersch: Some wives who have the misfortune of having a cheating husband decide pretty early on that this is a deal-breaker from which there is no recovery. No matter how much these wives may wish that this wasn’t their reality, they know that it is. And they believe that no matter how much they may love their husband or want to save the marriage, it just isn’t going to be possible. Because they believe that they’ll never be able to fully heal. There will always be mistrust, resentment, and a betrayal that can never be forgotten. So they tell their husband to move on. Often, this is a bit heartbreaking because the husband is begging for a chance to make it right. But the wife knows that she can’t offer this, so she sends him on his way. She fully believes that this the right call. Until he begins seeing someone else – and sometimes – the other woman. The wife’s reaction to this may have her questioning if she made the right choice after all.

She might say, “I have always made it very clear that I would never tolerate cheating of any kind. My father was a serial cheater, and this ruined my family. I firmly believe that cheating is a choice. If you make that choice, then you’re choosing to put your marriage and family in jeopardy. This is not acceptable to me. So although my husband has spent the past several weeks begging me not to kick him out, I did just that. Believe it or not, that wasn’t easy for me. I had very mixed feelings. Deep in my heart, I still love my husband, and I probably always will. However, I watched my father make these same promises. But he never kept them. My mother had to deal with the cheating over and over again. I will not make the same mistake. For a few weeks after he left, my husband called me every day and asked me to reconsider. I refused, and I told him that there wasn’t any chance that I would change my mind. I told him to leave me alone and move on. Well, it seems that he took me at my word. I heard from mutual friends that he is now openly dating the other woman. I am ashamed and embarrassed to say that this is devastating to me. I meant what I said. But he claimed that he was completely over the other woman and that she meant nothing to him. Did he lie? Is she just a consolation prize? If he over me just that quickly? Why does this devastate me when I am pretty sure this is what is best for me and what I need to do?”

You are truly the only person who can answer these questions, but I can give you some theories. Before I do that, I want to stress that you should not be too hard on yourself.

Give Yourself Permission To Prioritize Your Own Self Interests: You stuck to your convictions, and you have every right to look out for yourself and to do what you believe is best for you. I firmly believe that there is no one right call after an affair. There is only what is right for you. And that is going to differ for everyone. It is a very individual choice. That said, here are some theories. And they are only that – theories. They may hit the mark, or you may decide that this is something else. But whether they hit home or not, how to proceed is ultimately up to you.

It Hurts That He Can Move On So Quickly: Speaking only for myself, I can tell you that it’s possible to push your husband away after an affair and then secretly hope that he is going to keep coming at you, hoping to change your mind. After all, this would prove that he is being honest. He’s being truthful about his wish to make this up to you and to save your marriage. And that obviously would make you feel a little better. (Or at least it did for me. In truth, I pushed my husband away almost as if it were a test after the affair.)

But, when he cuts his losses so quickly – even when you told him there was no hope, this makes you question his sincerity and his feelings for you. And that can hurt. Incidentally, this doesn’t mean that he isn’t acting out of his own hurt. Perhaps the other woman is just a distraction because he doesn’t want to be alone with the consequences of his actions. Maybe he is just trying to make you jealous or get a reaction out of you because he doesn’t want YOU to just walk away from HIM. Regardless of the reason, it still hurts to think that at least it appears that he can give up so quickly.

This About-Face May Be Causing You To Question Your Own Feelings: Many of us fully believe that cutting him loose is the right call. And we may even believe that, because we are right, it will be easier to move on. However, you can’t turn your feelings off and on, no matter how much you may want to. It’s normal to wonder if your pain means that perhaps you aren’t as ready to cut your losses as you had assumed. Many wives in this situation will wonder if they acted too quickly. They’ll ask themselves if perhaps they should have given their husband a chance instead of just throwing him away. Is this pain telling you that you made the wrong choice?

I’d argue that you don’t need to answer this question immediately. I believe that you can give yourself a little time to see how this all plays out. You don’t need to make important life decisions in this instant. You can watch and wait. You can see what happens with the other woman. You can see how you feel next week or next month. And you can watch your husband’s actions in the days to come.

The truth is, you may not know the correct path today or tomorrow. You often need a little more information from both your husband and yourself. You’ll need to give your feelings time to unfold authentically. And it may well turn out that indeed, you were right all along. Or, you may decide that you have every right to re-evaluate.

Yes, this is going to hurt no matter what happens moving forward. You were justified in your anger no matter what action your husband is taking right now. You are always justified to make the decision that you feel is right at the time. That was true last week, and it will be true next week. Give yourself some time to just sit with this, and know you’ll be in a better position to evaluate where you want to go from here as you gather more information. But you don’t need to decide this instant. Give yourself some time and space. The devastation may not mean anything other than this stinks, and it hurts.

But know that you did nothing wrong. You made the decision that you thought was right with the information you had. And you can continue to do this, even as things evolve.  My feelings most definitely swung back and forth after the affair.  I ultimately decided to give us a chance.  But I defend everyone’s right to make the decision that is best for them.  I don’t believe that there is always a perfect answer.  There is just what feels the most correct for you.

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By: Katie Lersch: Of all of the issues that crop up after an affair, sexual issues are where many wives place their focus and feel the most pain. Yes, we are furious about the lies and the betrayal. But the idea of our husbands engaging in physical and intimate activity with someone else is, for many, the breaking point. It is the worst part of this terrible mess. Many wives want as much information as possible about the sex. However, husbands aren’t stupid. They know that this is your biggest issue. They also know that you aren’t exactly thinking logically, so they are fully aware that their answers are going to fuel your anger, regardless of what they say. Many wives wonder how much information they should demand and how to ensure that they get all of the truth.

Someone might say, “my husband cheated with a younger woman. But a great irony of this whole thing is that she’s pretty unattractive. Yes, she has youth on her side. But that’s about it because everyone that I ask agrees that she is homely. However, that didn’t stop my husband from carrying on a three-month affair with her. He is pretty much refusing to answer all of my questions. I am particularly interested about the sex. Because I figure that it must have been fantastic for him to carry on with her when I can’t find any redeeming qualities about her. What questions should I ask and how do I make him answer? I’ve asked about sexual positions, how often they did it, and how turned on he was. He has refused to answer all of these questions. So what can I do? And is this what I should be asking?”

I can only share my perceptions and experiences here. I wanted all of this information initially too. But I eventually changed my mind, at least a little. I talked to friends and loved ones who’ve gone through this. I talked to therapists. And I read as much as I could. I came to believe that gathering every shred of sexual information can actually hurt more than help.

Here’s why. You will get mental images in your mind that you can never erase. You will build this thing up into a big erotic fantasy when maybe it was just a quick fling. You’ll assume that you can never compete when that may not be the case.

This can make it so that if you ever want to have sex with your husband again, you won’t be able to fully and freely participate because you’ll be worrying and comparing. That said, there is plenty that you need and should know about sex. And getting the answers to these basic questions may be a good way to break the ice. Here are the questions that I think are important. Once that he answers these, you can ease into more if you still want to. 

Did You Ever Have Unprotected Sex?: This is a no-brainer. And actually, I believe that regardless of the answer, you should both be tested for sexually transmitted diseases, just to be safe. You have every right to be informed about the risks to your health. And unprotected sex definitely poses a risk to you. The answer to this question may also help you gauge how impulsive and reckless your spouse was acting during the affair. 

When Is The Last Time You Had Sex Of Any Kind?: Again, this question is meant to help you establish your risk. But it also lets you know how fresh of a situation you are dealing with. And it crosschecks whatever claim he was making about the affair being over. It also gives you the ability to see if he hesitates or calculates in any way.

Did You Feel Remorse Or Guilt After Sex? I can’t imagine any husband actually denying that he felt any hesitation after sex, but this is still a good question to ask. Some husbands will be indignant or will tell you that they “weren’t thinking at all.” And these answers can add to the information that you are collecting and will want to evaluate later.

What Did You See In Her? How Was It Different Than Us?: This is a different question than asking about sexual satisfaction and positions. 

This question may actually give you the information you truly want without putting horrible mental images in your mind. 

If your husband has any self-awareness, he may tell you that the relationship allowed for a release during a time of high stress. He may disclose that it was a confidence boost at a time of low self-esteem.  

I’m going to be blunt. It is so often not about the other woman at all. It is about what she represents. He will think that she is freedom, and fun, and confidence. Wives will often assume she had this magic combination that was rare or precious. This usually is not the case. It is that she was the one who came along when your husband was vulnerable.  WHY he was vulnerable is so much more important than WHO he was vulnerable to. 

Some men may admit that the other woman didn’t ask for anything from him. When he was with her, he did not have to deal with the mortgage or taking out the trash or child-rearing or any of the stressors that adults have to deal with. 

And he may surprise you and tell you that something that you wouldn’t have suspected, like the other woman listened to him, tried to understand him, or just allowed him to vent. 

Sometimes, it really isn’t about the sex. It really isn’t about her looks. Perhaps this woman is homely, but she may have been a wonderful listener. The truth is, no matter how often he tells you this, you will continue to have doubts until you start to heal. 

But be careful that you aren’t putting mental pictures in your head that do not allow you to heal. Yes, you need an accurate picture of the sexual landscape for your own physical safety and emotional well-being, but you don’t need to make things worse for yourself by knowing even tiny, sorted detail. 

And sometimes, the sex isn’t even what you’re assuming. It was the distraction, and the escape, that was the real draw. Not the sex itself. 

Hang in there. I know this is hard.  But you can get through this.  Do not give yourself away in this process. If it helps, you can read about how I did on my blog at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I believe that the percentage of wives who feel that their husband has offered full disclosure about his affair is minuscule. Even if a wife believes that her husband is mostly trying to be honest, she may still suspect that he is holding something back. And these are the lucky wives because they have husbands who are trying at honesty. Many other wives have husbands who are very obviously trying to keep important information to themselves. The wives try various strategies to get their husbands to be more forthcoming, with limited success. Needless to say, many wives assume the worst about this behavior.

You might hear one of them say, “I can’t tell you how hard I had to work to get my husband to finally admit to an affair. I found so many things, but it wasn’t until I found undisputed evidence that he could no longer deny that he finally admitted to an actual affair. However, he makes every effort to downplay everything he can. He will only say that the affair was very short, meant nothing, and is now over. He claims that I don’t know the other woman. He’s told me her name and some very basic information about her. But if I push for very specific details about where and how they met, what they did, and how deep this went, he suddenly clams up. He’ll try to change the subject. He’ll tell me that it’s not important. I have told him that I need him to be more transparent. And he will act as if he’s listening, but he’ll never really come out with the information that I want. What is he trying to hide? It must be something major, because why else would he refuse to answer my questions or give me vital information? I feel fairly confident that he is no longer cheating. We are together all of the time. I don’t know when he’d have time to cheat, and I’m watching him like a hawk. But I don’t completely understand his lack of transparency.”

You know your husband better than I do, but I can certainly give you some theories based on my own experience with this situation and from hearing from any others. This is only speculation on my part. Obviously, I don’t know the circumstances or the people involved, but hopefully, these possibilities will give you a starting point.

He Doesn’t Want To Increase Your Pain And Anger: Think about it. Considering the information that you are asking for, what answers would actually be beneficial for your husband’s cause or reassuring for you? In all honesty, there are probably very few. No matter how gently he tries to give you the facts, you’re likely going to be hurt. So he may fear that no matter what he says, it’s only digging him into a deeper hole.

And these painful facts are his fault, so there is certainly self-preservation at play as well.

He’s Potentially Embarrassed And Ashamed: I know that this isn’t about you. It’s about him. But to understand his mindset, think for a second about an embarrassing, regretful decision you made and then were then caught by your parents. Do you remember, how, after your parents caught you, they demanded an explanation? Do you remember how your face felt red-hot with shame and embarrassment? How willing were you to spill every single detail? You probably spilled what you had to, but you gave your parents no more than that because it’s horrifying to have to re-live your worst days. It is just human nature to want to limit your own shame and guilt. The facts were going to hurt both you and the person interrogating you. So clamming up is a natural human reaction that isn’t always a reflection of an attempt to deceive.

He May Actually Be Hiding Something: I have to mention this possibility because I do see it happen. And it may be less likely in this case since the husband is always around. But sometimes, husbands aren’t transparent because they are hiding either important details or the contact with the other person isn’t completely over. Often, they are trying to hide how serious or how long the affair truly was. They are afraid that if you knew this, you’d be less likely to forgive them and more likely to continue to want more information. Or sometimes, they want to continue in their deception. However, the truth of this will usually become clear fairly quickly. If he continues to have very little time by himself and is acting as you would expect him to, then this possibility is less likely.

How To Get The Truth: I know that it is tempting to continue to try to guilt or force more information out of him. But as you have already seen, this isn’t always very effective. Most likely, he will only give you the tiniest bit he has to, and this isn’t likely enough.

Although you’d need patience, the most effective route is to often make enough progress in the coming days and weeks so that he feels empathy toward you and a desire to work with you toward a resolution. Then he’d be more willing to concede what you’re asking since you’re both giving a little toward healing.

I know that this probably seems unfair. After all, shouldn’t he have to be the one to make all of the concessions immediately? Absolutely, he should. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always work out this way. Often, he’ll need some time to move past his shame, guilt, embarrassment, and self-preservation before he can think clearly.

And he is more likely to work with you to provide information when he’s clear-headed and calm. That is why it’s advantageous for you to try to eventually restore a sense that you’re working toward the same goal. As you edge toward this, you will hopefully find him more willing to give you the information that you need. If you can’t achieve this on your own, a good therapist can often help you get there.

Speaking of the information that you need, be careful about demanding to know absolutely everything. I know you are insanely curious and hurt. But believe me when I say that some extraneous information is only going to hurt you. Worse, it will be impossible to erase from your mind. So it will actually accomplish the opposite of what you want. There is some information that you absolutely need. Examples are what, when, who, and how. But the salacious specifics are only likely to rub salt into an already painful wound. If it can’t help you heal, then consider very carefully if you absolutely need it.

The good news is that I know that it’s possible to heal. It is also possible to repair your marriage if that is what you wish to do.  It’s not always a pleasant process, but in my experience it is worth it.  You can read more at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Remorse is one place where wives dealing with unfaithful husbands tend to hyper-focus. It is challenging to forgive under these circumstances. But it is almost impossible to forgive when your husband is indignant that he did nothing wrong. Often, it is difficult to determine just how sorry a husband is when his claims say one thing, and his actions say quite another.

A wife might explain, “I know that my husband cares about me. I don’t question that. We’ve been through so much together over the years, from challenges with life circumstances to issues with our kids. So I know that he is protective of me, and that he would not purposely hurt me. He likely didn’t think that I would catch him cheating, but I did. And I can tell that he mirrors my pain. He hurts because he hurt me. And, by extension, this is going to hurt our children. I know in my heart that he deeply regrets this. But what I doubt is whether he is remorseful over the affair itself. Yes, he is undoubtedly sorry about the consequences of the affair. But, I sometimes believe that if I had never found out, and therefore I was never hurt, he would not regret having the affair in the least. What got my suspicions up was the look on his face one day as he was scrolling through his computer. I’m sure he was reading communications with her. That look wasn’t like my husband. He was laughing and was nearly giddy with pleasure. However, when he realized I was watching him, he jumped up quickly, like he’d been literally caught with his pants down. That is when I knew that something was up. However, although the betrayal itself hurt me, there was something else that hurt me much more. My husband looked joyful at that moment. He looked like he found something of value. I haven’t seen that look on his face in a long time. And weirdly, even though he is caught cheating and things haven’t been great in our home, he sometimes STILL has that look on his face when he thinks I am not looking. It’s like he’s still blissful over it, even if it has to end. That is why I don’t think he regrets the affair. And if he doesn’t truly regret it, I’m not sure that my marriage stands a chance.”

Understanding Why He May Resist Remorse: I understand how hard this is. I’ve been in your shoes. But I’d like to gently point out that there is one thing you haven’t considered. Assuming you are correct and that your husband only regrets the consequences of the affair (and you might be wrong,) nothing says that his attitude won’t change or evolve over time.

It is very common for men to be somewhat defensive about their actions soon after discovery. They are usually looking for some justification that will help them soften the blow. As a result, they’ll sometimes convince themselves that either they aren’t sorry, or that they have nothing to be sorry for.

But, assuming that the affair is actually over, they will no longer be getting reinforcement from the affair. Those dopamine hits of excitement are no longer present. So they are going to be more vulnerable to harsh reality. And this is usually when remorse can enter the picture.

Why Empathy Is A Powerful Starting Place: I suspect that you believe that most men who cheat feel sorrow about hurting their wives. You probably think that there is nothing special about your situation. But, you may be surprised at how many men convince themselves so fully that they were justified in the affair that they don’t even feel sorrow about the consequences. They’ll tell the wife that if she had kept him satisfied, or paid attention more, she wouldn’t be hurt right now. They’ll imply that it is her own fault.

So the fact that your husband isn’t doing any of these things is a good start. Yes, he eventually needs to get to a place where he feels genuine remorse for EVERYTHING concerning the affair, but the fact that he still feels deep empathy for you and responsibility for your well-being is an advantage that not all wives have.

As Tempting As It May Be, You Don’t Always Have To Guilt Or Push Him Into Remorse: I know that you may want to very loudly list all of the reasons why he should be crawling on his knees and apologizing to you, while genuinely meaning it. But don’t forget that he’s still in self-preservation mode. He may still be defensive.

So when you push, he may well push back. And this doesn’t bring him any closer to feeling necessary remorse. In fact, it may make it easier for him to justify his behavior. Instead of thinking, “My wife doesn’t deserve this. She did nothing wrong, and now she’s having to clean up my mess,” he may instead think: “There she is again criticizing me and bringing me down. No wonder I had to escape to someone else.”

Don’t give him the option of blaming you. Conduct yourself in a way that doesn’t give him the ability to do this. You don’t need to pretend that everything is fine, or that you aren’t hurt. But often, it is more effective to allow him to come to his own conclusions about his behavior. He is more likely to take it to heart when it is his own realization that was not coerced or forced.

He’s already proven to still feel empathy toward you, so I’d suspect that in time, as the haze of the affair begins to lift, he will feel remorse for all of it.

I know that it is maddening that you can’t make complete progress right now, and all at once. But this can be a process for BOTH parties. What you yourself feel, perceive, and experience may also change in time. So it is very important to take care of yourself and not be too judgmental or analytical as things change for you also.

I know that it is hard, but you can get through this. You can read about my similar journey at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Dealing with a cheating spouse isn’t easy, no matter the circumstances. However, some wives feel strongly that their experience is worse than that of others. These wives have a husband who is seemingly so obsessed with the other woman that he refuses to listen to reason. Many of these wives theorize that they are dealing with limerence, and they want to know if this means they should handle their husbands differently.

Someone might say, “One of my best friends know what I’ve been going through with my husband’s affair. She bought me a book about limerence. This book is not specifically about infidelity. It mostly focuses on obsessive relationships. However, it listed so many attributes that apply to my husband and the stupid way that he reacts to the other woman. So I’m wondering if he’s experiencing limerence and whether this is common with intense affairs. If so, how does this affect the way to best handle it? I’m not sure what I want to happen with my marriage, but I know that my husband is acting like a fool.”

Some affairs most definitely reek of extreme limerence, and this can influence the best way to approach it, which I’ll discuss more below.

What Is Limerence And Why Are Men Ripe For Affairs More Likely To Be Influenced By It?: “Limerence” is a phrase that was coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in her 1979 book “Love and Limerence.” As you might suspect, limerence is an intense obsession and infatuation with someone else, usually in the early stages of a relationship. Some who experience it believe that it is love, but it differs in important ways, which I’ll get to a little later.

Men who enter affairs are particularly ripe for limerence because they are often attempting to escape their regular lives, whether they realize it or not. They’re often vulnerable in some way – whether they’re grappling with aging, struggling self-esteem, or feelings of rejection.

So they are already looking for escapism or somewhere in which to lose themselves. Then along comes someone who is welcoming, encouraging, and complimentary. Certainly, these husbands are going to want to place that person on a pedestal. Of course they want to see only the good in that other person. They want to engage in any behavior that will keep the good feelings going.

So these husbands are already programming themselves not to remain firmly rooted in reality or logic. As a result, they’re even more vulnerable to limerence.

How Are Limerence And Love Different From One Another?: Legitimate and true love is much more selfless than limerence. Someone who genuinely loves another person cares more about the other person’s happiness and well-being than his own. However, the same person experiencing limerence cares most about getting the affection or desired reaction from the other person. It’s a means to an end.

The pursuing person will often see the love interest (known as the limerent object) as perfect and without deal-breaking flaws. In other words, they view the relationship (and the other person) through a veil of infatuation rather than reality. In a truly loving relationship, they are fully aware of the other person’s flaws, and they love deeply anyway.

Limerence also tends to generate somewhat stressful emotions, whereas real love is calming. The person “in limerence” is always worried that the other person doesn’t feel the same way or that something is going to go wrong with the relationship. There are often insecurities and mind games in limerence. But in a mature and loving relationship, there is confidence in a solid, lasting foundation.

Of course, someone in the middle of this type of relationship may wholeheartedly believe that they are in love. They won’t listen to anyone who tells them otherwise. And although troublesome signs may be extremely obvious, they’ll often be ignored.

How To Handle An Affair Fueled By Limerence: Wives who suspect they’re dealing with a particularly difficult situation are mostly right. Many wives say they’d rather their husbands claim, no matter how insincerely, that the affair meant nothing than to declare that it means absolutely EVERYTHING. How can one even compete in this situation?

It’s most definitely tricky. If you try to play hardball or point out the fact that your husband is acting like a mid-life crisis fool, he’ll feel more isolated and defensive and he will cling to the other person that much more passionately. He’ll think that it is the two of them against all the haters. Don’t fall into this trap. Because there is a real danger that although the relationship is merely infatuation now, it will grow into more simply because it wasn’t allowed to fizzle out. For whatever reason, the circumstances allowed the affair couple to cling to one another.

That said, your first priority should be YOURSELF. Quite frankly, when your spouse is in this sort of trance, it’s going to be nearly impossible to reach him or to talk any sense into him. It may also be maddening to watch him walking around with his head so high in the clouds when none of this is real.

It can seem so obvious to you and to everyone else, but he’ll refuse to see it initially.

That’s why your best bet is to take care of you. Figure out what you need. Prioritize what you can control. Seek individual counseling if you can. Find loving support from extended family and beloved friends.

If you need to distance yourself for your own mental health, give yourself permission to do just that. Your well-being is one thing over which you have some control. Take full advantage of that.

Make sure that you are conducting yourself with dignity and that your behavior is above reproach. Do not give your husband any reason to vilify you or to mischaracterize your marriage.

With any luck, there will come a time when your spouse begins to snap out of his limerence. And the signs are fairly easy to see. It becomes clear that the relationship is loosening his grip on him. He’s more receptive to listening to and communicating with you.

At that point, it’s up to you if you have the patience and willingness to try to pick up the pieces, provided he provides you with what you need to make it all worth it. (And assuming that you’re both willing to do the work so that your relationship will not be vulnerable again.) That is a determination that only you can make.

I know that a limerent affair is maddening. But frankly, all affairs are. While waiting for better days, do everything in your power to care for and improve yourself. That way, when your husband emerges from his fog, you will be in a stronger position to deal with whatever may come. Some husbands snap out of this and beg for forgiveness.  And others are indignant.  Either way, your strength can only serve you.

I’m sorry you are going through this. I know that it’s hard.  But you have a right to get through this.  And some wives successfully save their marriages after an affair, assuming that this is something you decide that you want.  There is no right or wrong decision.  There is only what is right for you.  If it helps, you can read about how I got through the affair at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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by: katie lersch:  I often hear from wives whose main goal for the short term is getting their husband away from the woman that he is cheating or having an affair with. Many give their husband’s ultimatums and flat out tell him that he has to make a choice between his wife and the other woman because he can’t have them both.  Some husbands make this decision very quickly and others can’t seem to decide.  Some tell their wives that he has chosen her only to be caught with the other woman once again.

Many wives hope that once their husband decides to choose them over the other woman, the path to healing and saving the marriage will be immediate. But unfortunately, this isn’t always the case.  I recently heard from a wife who was confused as to why this felt like a hollow victory.  She said, in part: “when I found out about my husband’s affair, I suspected that he would immediately break it off with the other woman, but that didn’t happen.  Instead, he said that although he loved me and didn’t want to end our marriage, he wasn’t sure who or what he wanted.  I told him he had to choose.  Well, this decision seemed to take a very long time. He went back and forth and even moved out for a while.  Just recently, he called and told me that he chose me and our marriage and asked if he could return home.  I allowed him to do this because I was initially ecstatic that he chose me and assumed that this would be over and we could move on.  However, now that he’s home, it’s clear that this is almost a hollow victory.  It’s pretty obvious that he’s not happy and neither am I.  He’s always just sulking around the house and I feel a lot of pent up resentment.  I thought his making a choice would make things better.  And, although I’m confident that the other woman is out of our lives and that he’ll make good on his promise not to see or contact her, it feels like she’s still here in the middle of us and our marriage.  She may not be with him anymore, but it seems that she’s still on his mind or in his heart because he’s clearly not fully present here.  This just isn’t what I expected.  I thought I would be thrilled that I finally won and got him back, but it almost feels like I’ve still lost him anyway.  What can I do to make this right so that we can get on track with our marriage?”

The wife’s sentiments are so common.  It’s not unusual to become so fixated on getting our husbands away from the other woman.  We begin to think that once we get him to chose us, our work is going to be done.  Once he chooses us, we’ll have her out of our lives once and for all and this nightmare will be over.  But, what we often don’t realize is that even once she’s physically gone, her presence can be felt for a long time afterward until we deliberately place the healing into motion.

In My Opinion, True Victory Doesn’t Take Place Until You Feel Whole And Complete Again: Many women echo this wife’s concerns.  It’s so common to hope that once this other woman is out of the picture, our struggles will be over.  But frankly, sometimes the struggles truly are just beginning.  Yes, healing your marriage (and yourself) is often  very difficult or next to impossible with her still in the picture.  But, once she’s gone, that’s when you have to begin to truly pick up the pieces.  And even if she’s no longer there physically, her presence can often be felt mentally and psychologically for a long while after the affair is over.

However, this doesn’t mean that you should be discouraged or allow your frustration to halt your progress.  Understand that true healing and feeling whole once again isn’t going to happen overnight.  Eliminating her from the picture is necessary and it’s a huge step toward recovery.  But, understand that getting her out of the picture only means that you won’t have to contend with her anymore. It doesn’t mean that you’ve done anything to improve yourself, your marriage, or the after math of what’s happened.

I know from experience, that you often won’t feel like you’ve really won or recovered until you are at peace and happy again.  Because if you get your husband to chose you over her but then do nothing to ensure the healing and recovery or yourself and your marriage, then you are still likely to walk around wounded, hurt, and unsure.  This can leave you feeling as if she’s still a ghost in your marriage and your life.

In order to really rid her from your life and your mind, you have to make sure that recovery is so complete that there’s no longer any room for her.  If you can rebuild to the point where you are once again happy, confident and fulfilled, it’s only then that you will have the confidence to realize that not only is she no longer a problem or source of pain for you, but that she was never solely the problem to begin with.

Understand That The Other Woman Is Often Just A Symptom Or What’s Wrong. So Eliminating Her Without Also Addressing The Other Issues Can Still Leave You Feeling Empty And Unsure: When the other woman is a huge presence in our lives, we often convince ourselves that if we can just convince our husbands to chose us over her (so that we can get her out of the picture) then everything is going to be all right once again.

But we often don’t realize is that she’s not the entire problem.  She’s often a symptom of what was wrong either with our husband (a lack of self esteem, a time of personal crisis, etc.) or with our marriage.  So just removing her from the picture doesn’t change those things that brought about the symptom in the first place.  In order to truly heal and to feel confident that she (and her aftermath) are gone from our lives and are no longer a threat to us, we’ll often need to remove those things that contributed to her coming into our lives in the first place.

There often isn’t a quick fix for this.  Recovery after infidelity is often a detailed process that requires a lot of work both individually and as a couple.  But the good news is that couples who are really committed to truly rebuilding their marriages are often rewarded with a relationship that is better than ever and the confidence to know that the other woman (and others like her) are something that they aren’t going to have to worry about in the future.

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By: Katie Lersch: It can be frustrating when you fight so hard to move past infidelity, only to have a few select people insist on continuing to live in the past. It is even worse when these people aren’t the spouses involved in the infidelity, but are their extended families instead.

Someone might say, “Despite all odds, my husband and I made it after I made the worst mistake of my entire life. I cheated on him, and I regret it more than I’ve ever regretted anything. I won’t go into the details because, for the most part, we have moved past this. Things are actually going pretty well for us. I feel like my spouse has mostly gotten over it. The problem is our families. They all know about the affair, and everyone is still furious at me. And they still bring it up, which causes problems. The worst offenders are my husband’s mother and sister. They have every right to be angry at me. I can understand why they are outraged on my husband’s behalf. But nearly every time my husband speaks with either one of them, they find a way to bring up our marriage. Even when my husband assures them that we are doing okay, they will ask him how he can forgive me when I’ve done such a horrible thing. They’ll then say that it’s so awkward and hard for them to be around me, as though my affair has made everyone’s life more difficult, and I should be cut out of their family. If my husband tries to defend me, they become somewhat angry and short with him. It is affecting his relationship with them, and then he takes his frustrations out on me. Because, of course, I am the source of all of these problems. Unfortunately, it is not just his family that is problematic. My own mother will sometimes wonder aloud what is wrong with me that I would hurt a good man like my husband. It is as if everyone in our families believes that I am a horrible person and that my husband deserves better. Believe me, I’ve had all of these thoughts myself. No one is angrier at me than me. But somehow, I’ve got to put this behind me. I worked so hard to make this right for myself and for my husband. But our families refuse to let us forget this. They bring it up every chance they get. I worry that this is going to hurt our marriage as much as the affair. What can I do?”

Demonstrate Sincerity And Trust Over And Over Again: As hard as it may be to hear, you have to show them, over time, that you aren’t going anywhere and that it is safe to trust you and believe in you once again. It is very much the exact same path that you have been following with your husband – you repeatedly show your remorse and regret, you focus on rehabilitation and rebuilding the trust, and you put safeguards in place so that your marriage never has to endure this again.

So you show up at family gatherings. You continue to make your husband feel contented and secure so that the family can’t deny that he is happy in the marriage. You continue to show them someone who is serious about her marriage and her family. And you wait and hang in there.

Eventually, they will have to concede that no matter what they think, the marriage has endured and your husband is perfectly happy within it. Isn’t that what everyone wants for their family member?

Right now, they are acting somewhat out of shock, fear, and doubt. With the passage of time, these things will wane. And so will their reactions.

Present A United Front: It is extremely important that you do not allow extended family to divide and conquer. When you or your husband show doubt or agrees with them in any way, they are going to pounce that much more. Make sure that you and your husband agree that no matter what is going on inside your home, no one but you gets a say in what happens in that same home.

Your marriage is your business and no one else’s. Sure, extended family love and want the best for you. But that doesn’t give them a stake in your marriage. Make sure that your actions and attitude communicates this loud and clear. You can still love and include your family, while everyone knows that every family member’s marriage is the business of the two people within it and no one else.

Use Phrases That Set Boundaries: Learn to use phrases that make your boundaries clear. The next time they come at you with their unsolicited comments and advice, try something like, “I appreciate that you are still worried about us. I know how much you care, but we have dealt with our marriage and are continuing to do so. I promise that you don’t need to be concerned.  And while we always welcome your feedback when it comes to our extended family, our marriage involves only the two of us, and we two are the only people who should be intimately involved in it. I’d love to talk to you about anything else. Let’s change the topic to something positive.”

You may have to re-direct in this way a couple of times before they get the message, but they will only continue on if they have a captive and willing audience. Shut them down in a loving and patient way, but shut them down just the same.

See The Opportunity: As frustrating as this must be, it can also be an opportunity to band closer together with your husband to keep the unwelcome distractions away. It also allows you to gather yourselves together and protect what is most important – your healing marriage and the two people within it. Learning to keep out the things that will weaken your bond and your committed marriage is a very important skill to learn moving forward. Doing so can actually strengthen your marriage, which means that your family’s intrusion can actually benefit you in the long run.

There are many unpleasant realities you have to learn to deal with after an affair.  But I believe that every one of them can be overcome.  If it helps, you can read about my own recovery at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: It’s not uncommon for me to hear from wives and from mistresses who just don’t get why a man who was actively involved in an affair (for which he was willing to risk everything) will suddenly dramatically change his behavior and decide that he now wants his family back.

A common comment from the mistress is something like: “this man told me that no woman had ever made him feel like I did. He said eventually, when he could break free, he couldn’t wait to be with me forever. When his wife found out about the affair, I honestly thought this was the beginning of our lives together. But now, he’s suddenly decided that he can’t be with me because he wants his family back. Well, he should have known how committed he was to his family before he got involved with someone else. Why is he doing this?”

A common comment for a wife is something like: “when my husband told me about the affair, he actually said he was in love with the other woman and that, as much as it hurt him to say it, our marriage was over. I really didn’t want to accept this, but it was obvious that I didn’t have much of a choice. Heartbroken, I began divorce proceedings and tried to start over. Now two months later, he has decided that he wants his family back and has supposedly banished this woman from his life. Why would he do this? Why do men suddenly want back the family that they don’t even deserve?”

In truth, both women had the right to ask these questions. It can feel very unfair for a man to suddenly want to change his mind, especially when you feel as if the outcome of your own life is going to be influenced by the decisions that he makes. It can feel like you are not the one calling the shots or making the decisions in your own life and that can feel quite frustrating. Below, I’ll try to explain some common reasons why cheating husbands eventually decide that they want their families back.

When Men Decide To Pursue A Relationship Outside Of Their Family, They Don’t Realize What It’s Going To Feel Like Once They Are Without That Same Family: Often times, men get so caught up in the excitement and the newness of the affair that they believe that this whole relationship has added a new dimension or richness to their life that they don’t want to be without. So, they decide to pursue this other life or this other woman with seemingly unshakable determination. At the time, they think that they understand the sacrifices that are going to be involved. But often, they have no idea how it is truly going to feel once they hurt and then leave their families. The reality and the pain of those actions can take them by surprise.

They don’t anticipate how much they are going to miss being a daily part of their children’s lives or how much pain they are going to be in knowing how they have altered those same lives. Some men find that they even miss the wives that they were sure they had long left behind. In short, they miss being part of a cohesive family, and the excitement of an affair doesn’t begin to compare. It’s often at this point that men realize that the affair wasn’t even a product of reality. Once the husband and other woman have to begin to deal with every day things like laundry, dinner, jobs, etc., then the relationship becomes more of a partnership and less of an excitement inducer. It’s often at this time that the husband realizes that he miscalculated his feelings for all involved. So often, when the affair isn’t perfect in every way, a man will start to think things like “I gave up my family for this? What was I thinking? How could I have been so stupid?”

Often, both women in this scenario are pretty clear on the fact that the man’s behavior has put his family in jeopardy and many will tell you that, because of his actions, he doesn’t deserve his family. Believe it or not, the men would often agree with this assessment. Many will tell you that they know they don’t deserve their family, but that doesn’t stop them from wanting their family back just the same. They will also often tell you that they are willing to do just about anything for one more chance. Because once they’ve had a taste of life without their family, they become so afraid of losing them for good.

I often can’t tell the women in this situation whether to allow this man back into their lives. That’s a decision that only they can make. I can tell you though that many men believe that they are being sincere when they decide that they want their families back. And many fear that it’s going to be too late to make this a reality. Yes, it would have been nice if they had come to this realization before they cheated. But unfortunately, often it takes the threat of losing something in order to fully value it. I have known men who vow to never ever put their families in jeopardy again and they have more than made good on that promise.  They have also become faithful and appreciative husbands.  However, every one is different.  And extensive healing is often necessary in order for this to become a reality.

My husband suddenly took renewed interest in our family once he almost threw everything away.  Rehabilitation wasn’t easy by any means, but it was worth it in the end because our family is solid and my children have both of their parents.  If it helps, you can read about our steps toward recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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By: Katie Lersch: Many wives dealing with infidelity believe that if they can get to a place of forgiveness, then complete healing will follow, and they can move on with their lives. While forgiveness can feel incredibly freeing and can be helpful to your marriage, it doesn’t always fix everything. Many wives are surprised to find that even after they’ve completed the very generous act of forgiveness, the spouse who cheated can still harbor resentments or frustration.

A wife might say, “Looking back at my husband’s affair, I can honestly say that for the most part, I’m proud of the way that I handled myself. Sure, I was furious and mean immediately after I found out. My husband and I didn’t speak for weeks. I was incredibly sarcastic and resentful for a few months. But we sought counseling, and I began to see that it was possible to move past this. So I worked very hard on myself and on my marriage. After some months of work, I finally decided that I wanted to forgive my husband and move on. So I told him that I forgave him and that I wasn’t going to hold a forever grudge. At first, he seemed touched by the gesture. But as time has gone on, he almost acts as if he doesn’t respect me or he implies that I am a pushover. I almost regret offering my forgiveness. He acts as if I am the one who has done something wrong. Why would he do this? Does he regret staying with me after he cheated? I haven’t guilted him or berated him about the affair in months. If anything, I’ve been more loving.”

Understanding Projection During Or After An Affair: Many wives in this situation assume that their husband is mad at them. And it may appear to be that way. Your husband may even believe this to be true. However, it’s more likely that your husband’s anger is directed at himself.
It’s much easier psychologically for him to take his anger out on you than to take an ongoing hard look at his own actions.

Many wives recount that when their husband was cheating, he actually acted as if he were suspicious of the wife’s behavior. This is classic projection. He knows that he’s not trustworthy during this time, but he’ll project that behavior onto his wife.

It works the same way after the affair. When he’s angry and disappointed in himself, he’ll act angry and disappointed with you even when you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong.

Sometimes, A Wife’s Positive Behavior And Forgiveness Make A Husband Feel That Much More Guilty: I think we can all agree that being open to healing and forgiveness is really the gold standard for a faithful spouse. Not everyone is willing to do this. Although your spouse can be very relieved and humbled when you are willing to forgive, he can also feel incredibly guilty.

He may rightly feel that he doesn’t deserve all of the grace you’re giving him. So again, this increases his frustration with and anger at himself, which he directs to you. He knows that he did something very wrong, so he indirectly treats you as if you did something wrong.

By identifying this, I’m not in any way insinuating that it is right or fair. It isn’t. But it is unfortunately very common.

Options For Dealing With This: As I see it, you have two options. You could have faith that as healing continues, your husband’s anger at himself will fade. As this happens, his projection will wane and he’ll stop lashing out. This requires nothing but patience.

However, some people are not able to sit passively by as they are being treated unfairly. So you have the option of trying to address this. You don’t want to react by exhibiting the same over-the-top lashing out behavior as your husband. That will only make things worse.

But you can calmly try something like, “your tone is hurtful right now. I honestly thought that after I forgave you, the tension and resentment would get better. That hasn’t happened. Can you share why? What have I done?”

Chances are, he’ll be forced to admit that you’ve done nothing. Once he makes this admission, try something like. “And yet you treat me as I have done something. This isn’t fair. I know that you’re disappointed and frustrated. This hasn’t been an easy time for either of us. But it’s unfair for you to take this out on me. It just makes everything worse. I want to move forward, not backward.”

Hopefully, once you’ve made him aware of his behavior, he will stop. You may have to continue to remind him if he resorts back to lashing out in times of frustration.

It may not seem like it right now. But your husband likely wants to move on every bit as much as you do. However, even though you’ve forgiven him, he may not have forgiven himself. That is why you are seeing this behavior. The best thing you can do it to continue to heal. As he becomes confident that you really have turned a corner and you can get through this, he will hopefully tone down his behavior and begin to focus on the positive.

I know all of this because I dealt with many similar issues after my own husband’s affair.  You can read about how we healed at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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