Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: It can be a relief when your husband says the words you want to hear after you catch him cheating or having an affair. Despite your shock, pain, and anger, it can be reassuring to hear him say that he is sorry, that he will never cheat again, and that he will make this right. In this situation, he’s admittedly saying the correct words and phrases. He’s taking verbal responsibility and making promises for the future. But, when he’s saying everything that you could want to hear from him, why are you having a hard time believing it? And how can you possibly know if you can trust him again?

Here is what I might hear from one of these wives: “Many of my friends say that I am actually lucky that my husband had the ‘correct’ reaction after I caught him cheating on me. He never denied it. He showed remorse right away. He immediately asked me to forgive him. He said he would go to counseling. Then he asked for referrals, and he made the appointment. He has promised that he will do right by me moving forward. He never insinuated that I was crazy when I suspected him. He has never even hinted that any of this is my fault. So yes, I suppose he is saying everything right in this situation. And yet, when he’s saying his little speeches and reciting his eloquent words, I still have a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. He hasn’t asked me to just blindly trust him. And I know that he doesn’t expect that. But at some point, I’ll have to believe what he is telling me to be present in my marriage again. Won’t I? And how can I know that it is safe to do that?”

Yes, at some point, in order to have peace in your heart and confidence in your marriage, you will want to believe him. And to trust him. But as someone who has been through this before after my own husband’s infidelity, I can tell you that it is a process that takes both time and careful evaluation of not only his words, but his actions and behaviors also.

There’s Nothing Wrong With Acknowledging That His Words Are Desirable: I believe that it is human nature to meet a cheating spouse with skepticism, regardless of which words are coming out his mouth.

The reason for this is that the same mouth he is now using to make you all sorts of promises and reassurances is the mouth he used to tell you distorted truths and realities so that he could cheat. It is normal to wonder why on earth you should trust him now when you absolutely should not have trusted him then.

That said, many husbands in this situation are actually very indignant and definitely are NOT saying all the right things. Many husbands will try to shift some of the blame onto their faithful wives. Or they will try to downplay their behavior. Or they will pressure their wife into offering very fast (but unearned) forgiveness. Some of these husbands will say they’ll consider counseling but then not go. Or, if you ask them specifics about the affair, they will try to deflect you and not give you a direct answer or they will offer up excuses instead.

By no means am I trying to defend anyone’s husband, but having a husband that takes responsibility and offers reassurances and some sort of plan is certainly preferable to a husband who gives you empty or defensive words.

His Ongoing Behaviors And Actions Will Tell You More Of What You Need To Know: You are right to have some skepticism about what he is promising you. He has a vested interest in making you believe that you can trust him. But it is unfair of him to expect this immediately. You have every right to watch and wait. You SHOULD watch and wait.

In the upcoming days and weeks, his behaviors should match his words. In other words, he should not be promising to make this right and then falling short of the things that will make you feel secure, like being transparent about his whereabouts and activities. A man who is truly trustworthy and sincere will show you, not tell you.

He will let you see his communications, his phone, and his social media. He will come right home and he will spend his spare time with you or in your presence while you are trying to heal.

And yes, this type of scrutiny can get old. But despite this, a sincere husband continues to have patience and do as you have asked of him because he realizes that his own actions have made all this necessary.

When he willingly does all of this – day after day and week after week – many wives will begin to feel a bit safer to trust. When he patiently answers all your questions with honesty and humility, you can begin to feel a bit more confident. When he reassures you when you need it, and doesn’t pressure you to rush the process, his sincerity looks a bit more real.

Look For Repeated Patterns Of Behaviors In Combination With The Words: Hopefully, you see where I am going with this. You are looking for a pattern of repetitive behaviors that leaves no doubt that his actions are going to match his words. A man who is sincere about and still invested in his marriage will act very differently from a husband who just wants to allow the dust to settle so he can go back to his undesirable behaviors.

People can and will say anything when their backs are against the wall. That doesn’t mean that they aren’t telling the truth. But in order to be sure, you’ll need to watch and evaluate as you go.

This doesn’t mean that you can’t act “as if” he’s sincere if this is what you want to do. I usually did give my husband the benefit of the doubt unless and until he gave me a reason not to. I always acted in good faith so long as he acted that way with me. This didn’t mean that I wasn’t doubtful or angry. It just meant that I proceeded with caution for the sake of my kids. My husband always knew that I could (and would) bow out with if his behavior made this necessary.

Thankfully, my husband did make good on his promises. You are welcome to read about our recovery at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who are so frustrated by their husband’s “confusion” after he has been caught cheating or having an affair. Often, the wives expect or hope that he is going to apologize profusely and immediately begin to attempt to make amends. But this isn’t always what happens. Sometimes, the husband doesn’t act because he isn’t sure what he wants in terms of his feelings or his wishes.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband admitted to me that he has been cheating and having an affair with my daughter’s gymnastics coach. Since I really had no suspicions and he had no reason to tell me, I expected that this  meant that he would immediately break it off and make every attempt to save our marriage. Instead, he is telling me that he doesn’t know if he’s going to end his relationship with her. When I ask him if this means our marriage is over, he says he doesn’t know. He insists that he is “so confused” because he has feelings for both of us. He claims that while he ultimately wants to save our marriage, he is not sure if he is ready to let her go because he has genuine feelings for her too. That’s just wonderful for him, but where does it leave me? Do I have to just sit around and wait for him to decide who or what he wants? Am I just supposed to patiently wait for his confusion to fade?  And what is there to be confused about? He made wedding vows to me, not her.” I will try to address these concerns in the following article.

A Man’s Confusion Is Often At Its Highest Right After The Affair, But It Will Eventually Wane Once He Walks Away For Good. The Longer The Affair Continues, The More Confusion There Is: I can’t tell how often men attempt to play the confusion card. And quite often, they aren’t completely lying to you. They do feel confused. Because the truth is, if they wanted to end their marriage or they wanted you out of their life, they would have divorced you while they were cheating or before they started being unfaithful. They cheat in secret because they want both relationships. They usually don’t have any intention of ending their marriage, especially in the beginning. But usually the other woman begins applying the pressure to make their relationship more official and lasting. And the intensity of the deception can be mistaken for intense and real feelings. So many men are genuinely confused because they have two women to whom they feel responsible and for whom they have feelings.

But here’s something that they usually do not understand. The more they continue to see or contact this other woman, the longer they are going to be confused. As soon as they truly end it and focus their attention on their wife and their marriage, whatever feelings they think they may have had will usually become clear for what they really are – part of an unrealistic fantasy. He has to convince himself that he feels very strong and real feelings for her. Because if he didn’t, how stupid would he be to risk his marriage for someone he didn’t really know or feel anything for? He may not believe that his feelings will change. But they will. If he is not seeing her and giving the relationship any momentum to keep it going, it will die a natural death.

How To Handle It When Your Husband Is Confused After Cheating Or Having An Affair: Many wives are tempted to offer ultimatums and tell the husband that he must decide between her and the other woman immediately. This is a very tempting ultimatum. But the risk with this is that he will either chose her or he will chose you and be resentful because of it. Or he will mope around thinking that he misses her. Some women will become fed up and tell the husband that the other woman can have him. Some of these women later regret acting so hastily.

To me, the best compromise is to tell your husband that you are willing to work with him after he makes a decision as to who or what he wants, but until then you can’t participate in a marriage that includes three people. When you back off from your marriage, this will often give him an incentive to make the right decision. He may wavier a little bit initially, but once he decides, you will both know that he made his own decision alone without any pressure from you.

You should also know that many men will lose their feelings for the other woman as time goes on. Because now they you know about the affair, that exciting level of secrecy because of a forbidden relationship is gone. So a very important component of their relationship has been taken away. This is sometimes the beginning of the end and it helps the true nature of the relationship to become more clear – that he risked everything for someone who was essentially little more than a stranger.

Once this happens, you will likely find his confusion beginning to wane.  I have to admit that it was me who had most of the confusion in my own marriage.  I just didn’t know if I wanted to put in all the work to rehabilitate a man and a marriage that had been so damaged by infidelity.  In the end, I couldn’t walk away and now I am glad for that because our marriage is actually stronger.  If it helps you can read the whole emotional story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Believe it or not, some of the visitors to this blog are cheating spouses. Yes, I write from the perspective of the faithful spouse. But I’ve had cheating spouses tell me that some of my articles help provide them with perspective, as well as guidance on how to move forward. Sometimes, I hear from them, and one common complaint is that, although the faithful spouse is understandably hurt and angry, they have turned this hate and anger into very harsh treatment.

Someone might say, “My husband has every right to be angry at me for cheating. I have never been so sorry for anything in my entire life. I am at fault here. I admit it, and I take full responsibility for it. I understand that he might pull away from me and withhold affection as a result. I would even understand if he wanted to divorce me -although that isn’t what I want. But he hasn’t pursued a divorce or even a separation. Instead, he continues to live here but he punishes me by treating me terribly. Most of the time, he pretends that I am not even here. He will walk into a room and not even acknowledge me. He will plan an outing with the kids and he will not include me. When they ask why I’m not coming along, he will tell them that I feel unwell, even when this isn’t true. He told some of our mutual friends about the affair and many of them have told me that they don’t want to be friends anymore. I think that some of our neighbors know because they are looking at me funny now. I want my marriage back, so I feel like I just have to take this treatment. But will this last forever? Because I don’t want to live this way for the rest of my life. Before the affair, my husband treated me well. He did not deserve for me to cheat on him. However, his behavior now is not like him at all, which makes this hurt that much more.”

I know that it probably doesn’t make you feel any better, but this type of behavior is very common. I have to admit that I participated in it at times myself after my own husband’s affair. I like to think that I never took it to extremes, but my husband asked me more than once if he was sentenced to a lifetime of hateful, harsh treatment.

Understand Where The Behavior Is Coming From: I can only say that, at the time, I wanted him to feel the pain that I was feeling. I wanted him to feel the full consequences of his actions. When he was carrying out his cheating, he lied. He secretly went behind my back and betrayed me. Therefore, he certainly had not treated me how he always had. So I was not going to treat him how I always had, either. Thankfully, this did not last forever, or even for that long. Things changed as we began to heal.

Sometimes, Patience Matters: Many spouses in this situation tell me that they worry that their spouse will think that they are wimpy or weak if they don’t stand up for themselves or they just take this terrible treatment. I would never encourage anyone to endure abusive behavior. If it rises to this level, then you should not accept that. But, in my case, it was not abusive. It was just my anger driving my behavior. And my husband patiently took it because he knew that I would have never acted this way if he hadn’t cheated. And I believe that he knew that as we gradually worked on our relationship and went to counseling, this behavior would begin to fade, which it did.

I took note of his patience and it mattered to me. Over time, I had to admit that my husband hung in there and did everything that I asked. As a result, I began to feel guilty and remorseful about how I had treated him, and I began to drastically back off of my punishing behavior.

That didn’t mean that I wasn’t still angry or that I was in any way loving toward him. But I did begin to treat him with basic respect and courtesy. I began to realize that we would both need to abide by some basic ground rules if we wanted to make any progress. Those ground rules included complete transparency from him and an open mind from me.

The Anger Can Fade Once The Healing Starts: As my husband and I began to try to heal our marriage, I began to have a little bit of faith that we might actually come out on the other side of this. I saw him repeatedly come to the table despite my treatment. I saw him show up over and over again even though I’d rebuffed him. I saw him continue to be the loving, steady father he had always been.

Honestly, it was a relief when I began to let go of my anger. Being so angry and resentful all of the time was exhausting and soul-crushing. I WANTED to stop being angry. Your spouse may feel the same way, but people often are not willing to drop their anger until they feel safe to do so.

How To Show Your Spouse That It Is Safe To Drop Their Anger: It sounds like you have made a good start by taking responsibility for the affair. Another thing that you can do is to offer to go to counseling or to ask your spouse what he needs to begin to heal. The next time he lashes out, you might try something like, “I can hear your anger. And you have every right to be angry. But I know that we are both hurting and that neither of us wants to live this way forever. Please think about what you would need from me to move forward. I am willing to give you whatever you need. I am willing to do whatever it takes. Just tell me what I can do and I will do it. And I would ask that in return, you try to keep an open mind about me.”

Hopefully, your spouse will do exactly what. Then, make good on your promises. Show up. Do the work. As your spouse sees your willingness to do what is necessary to earn his trust back and restore your marriage, the anger should begin to fade and the terrible treatment should also abate.

I know that it is no fun to be in your shoes right now. But honestly, it is no fun to be the faithful spouse, either. It is very painful to process this type of betrayal. The good news is that things can definitely get better and this usually does not last forever. As tempting as it is, do not engage with your spouse and make it worse. Your best bet is to deflect and to ask for what you can do to help your spouse.

Hang in there. I know that this is no fun.  But your marriage can recover, if that is what you want.  If it helps, you can read about our recovery at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many spouses suspect their spouse of cheating before they actually catch him. Sometimes, there are both subtle and not-so-subtle clues along the way. Sometimes, the cheating spouse is actually caught early on, but he finds a way to convincingly explain himself. So while he may have already been cheating, the faithful spouse may only believe that she caught him in a flirtation or inappropriate behavior rather than a full-blown affair. Understandably, she will usually give him a warning and proclaim that although she can forgive the mistake, she can’t and won’t forgive a full-blown affair. Of course, when she catches him in exactly that, she know is at a crossroads. Does she make good on her threats, or re-evaluate?

She might recount a scenario like this one: “I actually caught my husband cheating on me months ago. But I did not know it at the time. Well, looking back, I may have known it deep down in my heart. But I wanted to give my husband the benefit of the doubt. And I wanted to be wrong. I wanted to believe that my marriage was okay. I caught my husband exchanging inappropriate photos with another woman. When I confronted him, he didn’t try to explain it away. He admitted to inappropriate behavior and to making a mistake. He said he was just being stupid and blowing off steam and that it didn’t mean anything. He begged me to forgive him. I told him that I could forgive this mistake – because it is honestly the first one my has husband made.  He had been a great husband up to this point. But I warned him that if I ever caught him cheating, I would never forgive. I watched him very closely. And I did not see any odd behavior which would give me pause. But later – I did catch him cheating. And he had to admit that he had been cheating all along with the same woman he was exchanging the photos with. I kicked him out immediately. I was very clear that there would be no forgiveness with this. He made some noise about being given another chance, but he ultimately left. A few months have gone by. He calls to check on me regularly. I am still shocked and angry, but I find myself relieved when he checks in. I find that, despite myself, I miss him. He has tried to explain what happened with the affair, but honestly, I haven’t wanted to hear it. I am not sure what I want. But now I feel stuck or trapped in my threat about never forgiving an affair. And I am not sure that I should tell him about my mixed feelings. I don’t want to give him hope that I might forgive him. I don’t know if I can. But I’m also afraid that he will think that there is no hope for us and move on. Do I have to stand firm on my threat to never forgive an affair?”

It Is Reasonable To Change Your Mind As Your Feelings Evolve: This is only my opinion, but I don’t believe that you need to box yourself in on anything. And the reason is that I made the exact same threat that I would never forgive infidelity. And ultimately, I ended up not only forgiving my husband but reconciling with him.

It is very common for your feelings to change along this journey. Because of this, I promised myself that I wouldn’t make any rash decisions about my marriage. I do have kids to consider. So I wasn’t going to blow up their family until I was sure that there was no hope of saving the marriage. In the early days of finding out about the affair, it certainly felt like there was absolutely no hope. And my husband did stay with family for a while. I stressed that I had no idea what was going to happen with us and that I just needed for him to give me plenty of time.

We did try to work on our relationship and remain cordial because of our kids. Even if we divorced, I did not want to be enemies. I wanted to have a harmonious family no matter what. As we made progress with this, I did become more open-minded about trying to reconcile our marriage, but I never committed to anything.

Things began to gradually improve and we began spending more time together. As the improvements built upon themselves, we did begin to do specific marriage-building to see if we could make any real progress. But I never really said anything like, “Okay, I’ve decided that maybe I can forgive you.” I just continued to open myself up when it felt right to do so and my husband continued to move forward as I allowed.

I know that this process may seem frustratingly uncertain. But your feelings and perceptions are going to change as you gather more information and as you watch your husband’s behaviors and actions going forward. That is why I just don’t think that you can follow through on either promises or threats until you give yourself plenty of time.

You Can Usually Move Forward Without Needing To Make Any Announcement Or Decision About Forgiveness: Since your husband is willingly touching base and checking in on you, I don’t think there is any harm of continuing in this way and perhaps gradually moving to seeing each other in person if this feels right. You’ve said he’s willing to explain the affair. That is a good start. But he will also need to be willing to fully rehabilitate. This is hard work, but it can be worth it.

Again, I don’t think you need to make any announcement – either to your husband or to yourself – that you may be open to the idea of forgiveness in the future. You have the right to wait and see how things progress. It is up to your husband as to whether he wants to wait as you evaluate. But as it was he who had the affair and it is his responsibility to begin to make this right, he should be willing to wait if he is at all still invested in your marriage.

What It Really Takes To Truly Forgive. In my own experience, you can WANT to forgive. You can have the intention to forgive. You can even proclaim that you forgive him. But to really feel at peace with this decision as you make it and beyond, you have to see his rehabilitated behaviors over and over again. You have to repeatedly see trustworthy behavior and hear truthful explanations. And all of this is going to take time to unfold. That is why you have every right to wait and see.

As I alluded to, we had a hard road at times, but I did forgive and we did rehabilitate our marriage.  If it helps, you are welcome to read more at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: It’s very common to hear from wives who feel like a “loser” or a “failure” after their husband cheats or has an affair. Most of these wives intellectually understand that they are not the spouse who has failed or has fallen short. But their hears are not listening to their heads.

One might explain, “My husband cheated on me in a heinous way. I know the other woman very well. I actually like her. So it feels like a double betrayal. I am so angry and disappointed with my husband. But I am also mad at myself. I was just coasting along with my life with blinders on. How did I not see what was going on around me? I have not confided in any friends or family members. And I could really use the support. But I have this silly notion that his affair reflects badly on me. And eventually, my kids will find out about this. And this will cause them pain. In a sense, I feel as if I allowed to this happen. So, in a roundabout way, I am causing my kids pain. I feel like a huge failure even though I’m not the one who took the action. Why do I feel this way? And what can I do to stop it?”

Potential Reasons For Feeling Like A Failure After A Husband’s Affair: I believe that there are countless reasons that wives are tempted to take some responsibility for a husband’s infidelity. First of all, women tend to feel responsible for the behavior of every member of their immediate family who is living under their roof. Mothers feel guilty when their kids misbehave. Wives feel ashamed when their husband argues with a neighbor. Many women understandably want their family to perform as if they were standing right beside them. Unfortunately, this isn’t realistic. People have free will and must grapple with impulse control. As much as we’d like to have our family perform exactly was we’ve taught and want them to, they aren’t likely to do this.

You can always flip this thinking and ask yourself if it’s your husband or your kids’ fault if you drive over the speed limit when you are in a hurry. Obviously, your family had nothing to do with the decisions you made while driving. In the same way, you shouldn’t take responsibility for your husband’s actions.

Another reason that we feel responsible is that society sends the not-so-subtle message that it is a wife’s responsibility to “take care” of her husband or to ensure that he is happy. Without arguing the validity of this message, plenty of men have affairs on wives who DO take care of their husbands and who are very conscientious about their marriages and their husband’s happiness. Sometimes, you are doing everything right. And he cheats anyway. So you can not blame yourself for his actions.

Evaluating How Much Responsibility Is Fair And Appropriate: Assuming that you are not going to leave your husband immediately and are considering your part in the affair, I can tell you upfront that I don’t believe that an affair is ever the faithful spouse’s fault. Granted, this is just one person’s opinion. And I am admittedly biased. My husband cheated and although we recovered, the pain of that event does influence my thinking. That said, no matter how shaky your marriage was or how much your husband may claim to have been unhappy, he is the one who took the action to cheat. You weren’t there to influence him in any way. These were his actions and his choice.

If you posture that you feel like a failure, you are going to make it easier for him to duck out of his responsibility and accountability, both of which he needs to own.

Likewise, if you decide to try to save your marriage down the road, it can be helpful to evaluate any place where you could improve. I don’t encourage this because I think that you bear any responsibility for your husband’s actions. I don’t believe that for a second. But I know from experience that if you want to feel confident to trust your spouse again, you want to make your marriage as strong as it can possibly be. However, evaluating your behavior in your own marriage to strengthen it is very different than blaming yourself for your spouse’s behavior.

How To Stop Feeling Like A Failure: I would find one person to help build you up and challenge your thinking. That might be a counselor, a trusted friend, or a neutral family member. You want someone who will repeatedly tell you that you are, and have always been, a good wife and mother. You need to hear this message regularly until you start to believe it. You can also train yourself to question this negative thinking when you experience it. For example, if you begin to fret about being embarrassed if people find out about the affair, reassure yourself that it is your husband who should be embarrassed. (And it is up to you as to who you want to find out. Tell your husband to leave this decision up to you.)

When you feel like a failure, remember that it is your husband who failed. He is the one who performed the act of cheating. You did not. Even if your marriage wasn’t perfect, your husband could have taken another path. He could have talked to you before he cheated. He could have removed himself from the situation and returned home to his wife and children. He did neither.

So this failure is his to claim.

If and when you choose to work on your marriage, you can then determine ways where you can BOTH improve. This is not taking responsibility for the affair, but it is taking responsibility for the health of your marriage and your own happiness, both of which are important moving forward.

I know that this is a difficult time, but you can get through this and when you do, you will see that you most definitely were not a failure. If it helps, you can read about my own recovery after my husband’s affair at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Most of the traffic that I get on this site are women who are dealing with a husband’s cheating or affair. However, there are sometimes unfaithful husbands who find their way here because they are looking for information to help them make things right. Admittedly, a few of them are just looking for a way to get their wife to forgive them or to move on without doing any real rehabilitation or work. But, most are truly willing to do what is necessary to make things better for their wives. Many feel incredibly guilty and are fully aware that they have made a grave, life-altering mistake.

I’ve even had a few admit that they completely believe that they have ruined their wife’s life. I’m putting this into my own words, but their correspondence goes something like this: “I don’t know how I can ever make up for what I did to my wife. I never set out to ruin her life, but that is exactly what I ended up doing. I should have realized that she would find out about the affair. I convinced myself that I was being very careful. But we live in a very small town. And although the other woman made it seem like I could trust her to be discrete, I was obviously wrong in this assumption and in so many things. When my wife found out about the affair, she was devastated. She works with the other woman. And understandably, she took vacation days because she didn’t want to interact with the other woman right away. I told her that she should quit her job. I promised to support her while she looked for another job. She was very honest in telling me that she didn’t know if she wanted to stay married. I told her that it didn’t matter. I believe that my wife ultimately quit because she didn’t want to face the other woman. But her leaving had unfortunate circumstances. She now has a job that she hates. Her new job doesn’t use any of the skills that she worked so hard to learn. She no longer regularly sees her co-workers, many of whom were close friends. So she feels isolated and depressed. Quite honestly, the woman in our home now is very different from the woman who lived here six months ago, and not in a good way. The kids don’t come around as much because it is awkward in our house and she misses them. I often think about all my wife lost because of my selfishness. I feel like I ruined her life. And she is very resentful. I can’t blame her. Is there any hope for us?”

Why I Believe That This Situation Can Improve: I believe that there is always hope. And, as a wife who was in the same situation, I can tell you that although there were definitely days when I felt that my life was turned upside down and borderline ruined after my husband’s affair, I am content and thriving today. It took much time and a great amount of rehabilitation and healing, but I no longer consider myself damaged. The same can be true of your wife one day. Human beings have an enormous capacity for self-preservation in times of crisis. We ultimately want to right ourselves, even when we stumble initially. It just takes us time to get our bearings and to find the resources and support that will help us.

Things That You Can Do To Help Your Wife To Heal And Repair Her Life: Even though healing will usually begin naturally eventually, there is plenty that you can do to support your wife in the meantime and to help this process along. Ask your wife if she would be okay with your hosting a gathering for her former co-workers or paying for a night out or trip so that they can all reconnect. It is unfair for your wife to lose these friendships and, although it will be more difficult to maintain them without seeing one another every day, it is doable with effort.

Talk to your kids and ask them to come by regularly. Allow them to say whatever they need to say to you without involving your wife in any unpleasantry.

Offer to cover expenses while your wife looks for another job that she will enjoy more. Or, ask that her co-worker friends tell her if or when the other woman leaves the job so that your wife has the option to return if she wishes. She should not have to remain at an intolerable job when this is potentially avoidable.

Finally, move heaven and earth to get her healing resources. How this looks depends on what she is comfortable with. If she wants to go to counseling, go. Patiently answer her questions. Offer endless reassurance. Shower her with love and understanding even when she is angry. Listen without defense or judgment.

Do self-work to determine WHY you cheated so that you do not repeat this mistake ever again. If you cheat twice, you double the damage. Both spouses need to heal for the marriage to recover.

Do These Selfless Acts Without Any Thought Of How It Will Benefit You: I know that you love your spouse and want to help her heal. But it is just human nature to have an end-goal in mind. You are human if you are hoping that this will help you to save your marriage in the end. Still, try very hard to always put your wife’s happiness and mental health before any end goal.

Your goal right now is to do right by your wife. If that ends up helping your marriage, great. But that should not be the real goal. The ultimate goal is to take care of her. That might benefit you and it may not. But the end result should not matter.

I know that this is difficult for you both.  But marriages and lives recover after infidelity.  If it helps, you can read about how mine did at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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Understandably, many wives lash out when they find out that their husband has an affair. They are angry. They are afraid. And they feel as if they are at the mercy of their circumstances. So, to regain a sense of control, they make ultimatums. You can’t blame them for immediately proclaiming that their husband must make a choice – the other woman or the marriage. Her or me. Once that declaration is made, it can feel like a relief. You’ve spoken up and you have told him how it needs to be. Unfortunately, that relief can be very short-lived. Because now he has a choice to make. And a wife may worry that this choice will not go in her favor.

She may say, “Right after I caught my husband cheating, he claimed that the other woman meant absolutely nothing to him. I wanted to believe this. But I did not trust him. So I continued to snoop. And sure enough, I found proof that he was lying. I found letters and texts where he told her how much he cared for her. I even found one exchange where he talked about the future and hinted that they might be together permanently one day. When I confronted him, he told me that of course, he was going to tell her what she wanted to hear, but he swore that he was exaggerating his feelings. I am wondering if it is me who he is lying to. So I told him that he had to make a decision between her and me. I assumed that he would immediately tell me that he chose me. But he hesitated and then he stammered. Incredulously, I screamed, ‘Do you need time to think about it?’ and his response was ‘you are overreacting.’ I told him to get away from me because I did not want to be in his presence. But now I am second-guessing myself. What if he doesn’t pick me? It’s not as if I can go to him and tell him that I am calling off the ultimatum and that he can have all the time he needs. I will look so weak if I did this. And I want him to fear my reaction. But now I worry that my position is not as strong as I thought it was. And I don’t know what I’ll do if he tells me tomorrow that he did not choose me.”

Don’t Beat Yourself Up. Your Goal Is Understandable And Commendable: Many wives feel some reluctance about the ultimatum, especially when the husband’s response did not go as planned. However, before you are too hard on yourself, know that your desire to regain some control and to have some clarity is understandable. I know firsthand that navigating your life and your marriage after an affair is very difficult. This is true even when your husband declares his love for you and begs you not to leave him. However, when he drags his feet about ending the affair or refuses to reaffirm his commitment to you or the marriage, that process is doubly difficult.

No one can blame you for wanting the tiny reassurance that he would choose you and end the affair. Because trying to save your marriage and get on with your life when the other woman is still in the picture can feel quite impossible. No one wants to willingly sign up for that. There is nothing wrong with wanting this incredibly difficult process to be just a little bit easier by getting her out of the picture.

How To Untangle Yourself From This Dilemma: There is a chance that very soon, your husband will tell you that he’s sorry that he hesitated and that he chooses you. However, there is also a chance that he won’t bring it up again and just hope that you drop it. If this is the case, you’ll need to decide if you want to push him on this or if you just want to play this differently.

Let’s think to think about it logically. The ultimatum is really meant to accomplish a couple of things – you want reassurance that the affair is over. And you want to know that he values you and your marriage more than he values the other woman. By offering these confirmations, he gives you some reassurance that what you are dealing with is not as bad as it could be.

However, if this doesn’t play out correctly and he continues to hesitate, then not only do you not get what you want, but now he is the one who has the upper hand. To avoid that, it might make sense to let him bring up the ultimatum. Continuing to press him when you are unsure of his answer is a risk. Let him come to you. If he doesn’t, then you can wait, but while you are doing so, you can make it clear that his emotional and physical access to you is limited.

After all, if he can’t offer you these simple assurances, then why would you want to be available to him? He will quickly get the hint and this may encourage him to stop hesitating and to give you the reassurances that you are looking for.

His hesitation is not the end of the world. But you don’t need to be available to him until he does make the correct choice. If he can’t or won’t, then he won’t have the benefit of your working with him to move forward. After all, if he can’t confirm that the other woman is out of the picture, you may be in a holding pattern until he can. From watching this play out with other couples, it is extremely hard to recover if you are unsure that she is out of the picture and that he is making your marriage a priority. In my opinion, you are better off waiting for this confirmation than in trying to go forward without it.

Don’t worry. There is plenty that you can do for yourself in the meantime. If it helps, you can read my story of recovery at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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Wives whose cheating husbands are non-committal or wishy-washy face additional challenges on top of the affair. Not only are these wives dealing with the aftermath of the cheating, but many of them also must deal with an uncertain future, since their husband doesn’t want to move out, but also won’t fully commit to saving the marriage either.

A wife in this situation might explain, ” I caught my husband cheating on me two weeks ago. I told him to get out of the house. He said that doing so would be a rash decision and that the house is his as much as it is mine. He said that because he hopes that we can ultimately save our marriage, he is staying put. But when I press him or how committed he is to doing whatever it takes to make me trust him again, he defers and says that we will have ‘to wait and see’ what happens. This is infuriating. If he can’t promise to be a better husband and make this right, then I don’t want him here. He argues that he is going to do his best, but also insists that my reaction and my attitude is not making that easy for him. This doesn’t hold water with me. If he can’t commit, I don’t get why he wants to stay here. He says the affair is over and I admit that he is staying home. Honestly, he is under my feet so much that I don’t know when he would have time to be with the other woman. So I am reasonably confident that it has ended. But until I see more enthusiasm from him, I’m not sure that I want him here.”

This is admittedly a very tricky situation. Obviously, if your husband is in any way abusive or if living together is dangerous or harmful, you’d want to contact law enforcement or legal counsel on how to safely move forward. Thankfully, that is not the case here and was not the case for me.

Advantages And Disadvantages of Living Under One Roof While Keeping An Emotional And Physical Distance Initially: I also wanted my husband out after his affair. Although we did spend time apart, we did not live apart long-term, mostly because my husband wanted to maintain access to the family. This created additional challenges. Honestly, he did commit to making things right, but his attempts at doing so didn’t always hit the mark. Because it was clear that he wasn’t going to willingly move out and because I truly didn’t want to blow up my family, I allowed him to access to our home. But, I also kept him at arm’s length sometimes.

For example, we did not sleep in the same bed. He did not have emotional or physical access to me. That didn’t come until much, much later – after he had proven to me that I could trust him and that he would do whatever rehabilitation was needed to make our marriage affair-proof. I made it very clear that I was not going to go through this process ever again and that if I had to, it would mean the end of our marriage without any questions asked. (That story is at http:surviving-the-affair.com)

Do I think that continuing to live together was an advantage or a disadvantage? Honestly, it was a bit of both. It was advantageous to my kids. They continued to have access to their dad and they continued to enjoy life as a family, although they could sense that things were different. It was beneficial that we could talk about issues from counseling or could have heart-to-heard talks at a moment’s notice. It was also helpful to have some of our most difficult conversations face-to-face since intent could have been easily misunderstood if we had tried to have these conversations via text or phone.

That said, sometimes my anger meant that things got volatile and it wasn’t always easy to take a break from one another in those circumstances. I took more walks during that period than I ever have in my entire life. I am sure that my husband often felt like he was mistreated and had nowhere to escape from that. But he claimed he wanted to be there and therefore was willing to hang in during those times.

They were not easy times. But I am not sure they would have been a piece of cake living apart, either. The recovery process is going to be painful if you live together or apart. One key benefit of living together was that it was easy for me to see that he was very unlikely to be cheating again. He was either home or at work. He no longer traveled or even went out with friends while we were in recovery. That did offer me some reassurance.

But make no mistake. My husband definitely had to prove many things to me before I gradually began giving him emotional and physical access to me again. That is how I kept control of the situation, even as we continued to live together.

Gradually Moving Forward: So how did we get from living under the same roof as roommates and in some cases strangers to living like a married couple again? Very gradually. Honestly, we often took a few steps forward and several steps back. I do not think there is an immediate fix here. There is work and rehabilitation that needs to be done, and both take some time and patience. Would I live under the same roof if I had to make this decision again? Probably. But I believe it was right to limit his access to me initially. Otherwise, what would have been his incentive to rehabilitate and offer me what I needed? If a man can continue to enjoy all of the benefits of your marriage, how likely is he to really work or change?

I know that this is a difficult situation. But in my experience, it can work, so long as both people respect boundaries and approach it as a team effort. He might not be giving you a firm commitment, but he hasn’t moved out, either. To me, that says he has not abandoned the relationship and wants to explore salvaging it. Assuming you are still somewhat invested in the marriage, this has to be preferable than him quickly abandoning the ship. You can keep him at a distance until you are seeing the effort that you are looking for from him. If it helps, my story is here.

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By: Katie Lersch: It’s very common for me to hear from wives who are struggling to explain to their husbands just how much his cheating or affair hurt them and caused them pain.  But often, their husband doesn’t react in the way that they were hoping for and they are looking for a way to explain their feelings so that he actually understands them.

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “I have repeatedly tried to explain to my husband the depth of and reasons for my pain after his infidelity, but he either doesn’t want to hear it or he’s not understanding what I’m saying.  Sometimes, I pour my heart out to him and try to explain how he has hurt me and all I get is blank stare back or empty assurances that he really is trying.  This is so frustrating to me because I need him to understand the extent of my pain so that I can have some reassurance that he’ll never cheat again.  I want him to understand why I sometimes act in the way that I do because of what a grave mistake he has made.  But part of me thinks that he’s unwilling or just incapable of hearing me.  How can I explain my pain in a way that he’ll actually understand and be willing to listen?”  I’ll address these concerns in the following article.

Pick The Right Time And Know That,  Once You Start Repeating Yourself, Your Words Lose Their Effectiveness: I hear from both wives who are faithful and husbands who are not on my surviving infidelity blog and I can tell you that if you are constantly talking about your hurt and pain, eventually, even the most sincere husband will begin to tune you out.  One reason for this is that no one wants to constantly be reminded of the pain that they have caused.  And husbands will often want to place their focus on moving on while the wife wants to place her focus on understanding and digging a little deeper.

This doesn’t necessarily mean that the husband doesn’t care about your pain or just doesn’t want to hear it.  But, at least sometimes, he hears your words as accusations.  He might constantly hear that his selfishness and weakness has hurt you deeply and this just isn’t a message that he wants to hear on a continual basis, day after day.  Men will often give comments like “she constantly wants to tell me how much the infidelity has hurt her.  I do believe and understand that and I’m sorry for it.  But, do I really need or have to listen to what an awful person I am every single day?  How many times does she need to explain where I went wrong or how awful I am before she will feel satisfied that she’s said it enough?  I tell her I’m deeply sorry.  I listen.  But it doesn’t seem to be enough and we repeat this process constantly.”

I’m not telling you this to imply that you can’t regularly discuss and try to work through the infidelity.  I’m telling you this because I want you to understand the obstacles that are in your way and the dynamics that are at play here.  If you really want your husband to listen and to take your words to heart, then sometimes you have to pick the right time and limit the message so that it has the maximum impact.

Consider What Your Husband Is Actually Going To Hear Before You Say The Words: I alluded to this in the previous paragraph, but sometimes the message that your husband hears has more to do with your tone and your delivery than the words that you say.  So you might say something like “your infidelity has hurt me deeply. It’s made me doubt your integrity and your love and commitment to me.  It’s affected my self esteem and my level of trust.  And I’m not sure when things are going to get any better.”

But what he hears is often something more in line with: “your poor decision to cheat on me has ruined my life and will probably ruin our marriage.  You are an awful, selfish person with very little impulse control.  And your actions have caused me so much pain that I might not ever fully recover.  Because of this, I am going to feel pain and resentment every time I look at you or even think of you.  And, this is going to be our lot in life from this day on because I don’t anticipate any changes.”

These examples might seem a little extreme, but they aren’t that far off from the comments that I hear.  An unfaithful husband can hear a message that you never intended.  And because of this, he is often somewhat resistant to that message. Of course, the wife will often take this to mean he isn’t listening or he just doesn’t care and so she will continue to repeat herself with more feeling. And of course, this just keeps the cycle going.  She doesn’t feel heard and he feels beaten down and neither person is getting what they want or need.

Chose The Right Time, Use A Bit Of Restraint, And Consider How What You’re Saying Is Being Received: If you think about it, what you probably really want is to feel heard.  You want for him to know, understand, (and even feel) your pain because if he does, he’s less likely to cheat again and more likely to show the remorse that so many of us really want and need. So, think about what’s most likely to accomplish this.

You don’t want to come across as too accusatory or too despondent because unfortunately, these things will contribute to him feeling defensive and to tuning you out.  Instead, you want to use “I” phrases so that it sounds as if you’re taking responsibility for your own feelings and you’re not just trying to lay on the blame or make him feel continuously guilty for the rest of his life.   And, you want to chose the time when your message is most likely to be heard.  You don’t want to try to explain yourself in the middle of a fight or when you’re main goal is to hurt him.

I’ve found that the message is often more likely to  be heard if you say it when things are going a little more positively and both people are calm. An example would be something like:  “if this is a good time, I’d like to briefly explain  how much your infidelity has hurt me.  I’m not doing this to punish you or to paint you as a horrible person.  I love you and don’t think you’re an awful person, but I need to feel as though you care enough to hear me. And I need to know that you truly understand so that you will hesitate to cheat again.  Having someone that you love more than anything betray you in this way is something that is more devastating and hurtful than I could have ever imagined.  It calls into doubt things about your marriage and yourself that are just devastating.   Can you even begin to put yourself in my shoes and imagine that the rolls were reversed?  Because I need to know that you understand how much pain I’m in so that we can begin to move forward once and for all.  I don’t intend to keep bringing this up, but before I move on, I need to know that you truly understand.”

Phrasing like this is much more likely to get the response and the understanding that you are after.  But you can only play this card so often before your husband begins to tune you out.  So once you’ve laid your cards on the table, it’s best to begin to move forward so that your husband can see that you’re sincere about not using your words to continuously punish him.

I understand that you’re looking for the right words, but often it’s the actions over time that really do make the difference.  It’s the tone, the consistency and the intent rather than the actual words.  But it took me way too long to learn this in my own life after my husband’s affair.  Eventually though, we did recover and we are very solid today.  If it helps, you can read about what helped us move forward after infidelity on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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I think it is fair to say that sometimes, both spouses crave normalcy after one of them has been caught cheating or having an affair. However, the definition of “normal” can vary between the spouses. Often, the faithful spouse sees normalcy as the ability to trust and feel safe again. And the cheating spouse craves the normalcy of physical contact and sex, when, at times, this is the last thing that the faithful spouse is pondering.

Thankfully, fulfilling one desire for normalcy can sometimes help meet another one. I’ll tell you what I mean momentarily. But first, here is a common complaint from a cheating spouse. A wife might say, “I made the biggest mistake of my life, and I cheated on my husband. I need to be very clear. I never checked out of my marriage. I never promised that I would give up my husband for the other person. It was a very short fling without any feelings involved. Still, my husband found out about it, and he is both furious and devastated. He acts like I have the plague. He won’t come near me, much less show me any affection. He’s admitted that he is not going to divorce or separate because of our children. But if we keep going at this rate, we will have a sham marriage. The other day, my husband let me hug him, but when I tried to take it further, he turned his head. I worry that I am never going to have sex with him again. How long before my spouse will sleep with me? Am I just going to have to be celibate if I want to say married after my affair?”

Probably not. I understand your impatience, but, as a faithful spouse who was also in this situation, I can tell you that pushing your spouse is not likely to speed up the process. In fact, it may make things worse. At the beginning of this article, I mentioned that the faithful spouse craves the normalcy of feeling safe enough to trust again. Not so coincidentally, this is often when a faithful spouse begins to have sexual feelings again – when he or she can trust. From my own experience and through speaking with many other couples, emotional recovery often comes before physical recovery.

Since an affair often means that your spouse has been sleeping with someone else, hopping back into bed with them is not always your highest priority, even when they pressure you or you really want to.

Why The TimeLine Varies: Marriages differ from one another in the same way that people do. While one faithful spouse may be comfortable returning to the marital bed within weeks, someone else may take months. I believe that most of the time, resuming sexual intimacy often coincides with the strengthening of emotional intimacy, but I concede that this observation does not hold true for every couple. What feels comfortable for one person may be unthinkable for someone else. Still, there are a few things that you can do to make your spouse feel a little safer. I will list them below:

Show Your Spouse That His / Her Needs Are Much More Important Than Yours Right Now: As hard as it may be to face, you may have to work hard to regain your spouse’s affection and trust. Yes, marital problems usually come down to mistakes and omissions by BOTH partners. However, the partner who cheats has arguably made the biggest mistake. So, the responsibility to fix it is larger for the cheating spouse. You must be accountable and you must make it clear that you will work tirelessly to make your spouse somewhat whole again. This often means tending to his / her emotional needs instead of worrying about your physical needs. I know that this may feel as if you are putting yourself on the back burner, but it will also sometimes mean that your needs are met more quickly because your spouse will perceive you as giving rather than selfish.  The last thing you want is to appear as if all you care about is sex – when sex got you into this mess in the first place.

Accept The Hugs For Now: If your spouse is allowing you to hug him or her, then gratefully accept whatever form of affection that they are willing to offer. You may have to get your physical fix through more innocent forms of touch right now. But if you are patient, supportive, and loving, this should not last forever.

Let It Happen Naturally, With The Faithful Spouse Taking The Initiative, If Possible: You must be open with your spouse about your stance on this. If you aren’t, they may think that you are no longer attracted to them, which isn’t what you want. So you want to be very clear and say something like, “I am willing to be patient for as long as it takes. We can take sex off the table until you are comfortable. I will wait for cues from you because the last thing that I want to do is pressure you. ”

Then, wait very patiently and offer support. You know that a hug will be accepted, so don’t try for any more right now. Let your spouse initiate additional contact. By the time my husband and I did resume our sex life, it was quite obvious that the time was right. Although this did require patience, it was better than having a bad or awkward experience that would have only increased our doubts.

Get Help If You Need To: It’s so important to have a plan for your recovery. Many couples make the mistake of thinking that time and patience is all that is needed. In my experience, it is not. Your spouse likely wants to see rehabilitation and a serious attempt to make this right. He or she doesn’t want to just sit there and wait for changes and realizations that are never going to come. If you want physical intimacy with your spouse, be willing to do the work and the rehabilitation. That is how good faith works. Sure, very few of us love counseling, self-help, or exposing our vulnerabilities, but if this is what you need to do, then there’s no time like the present.

My husband and I absolutely needed a rehabilitation plan. In fact, we had to regroup a couple of different times and try different things. Although that seemed frustrating at the time, it has ensured that our marriage has endured and even thrived. You can read that story at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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