Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from folks who have cheated on their spouses. Many are panicked because they now realize that they have put their marriage in jeopardy. Understandably, they are worried that their spouse may leave them. You may hear comments like, “My wife hasn’t packed her bags and left the house yet. But I suspect she might. I have never seen her so angry. But worse, I can tell that she is deeply disappointed because she never thought that I could do this to her. She looks at me with such sad eyes. I have tried apologizing, attempting to explain myself, and promising her that I will do whatever she wants moving forward. She will offer me no reassurances whatsoever. How can I tell if she is going to leave me? Why do some spouses leave while others stay?”

I will answer this as best as I can. I did stay in my own marriage, although my husband and I lived apart briefly. But I know many wives who left. I will explain what I think the differences are in the two decisions below.

Wives Who Stay See Even A Slight Hope For Healing Or Forgiveness: Many wives tell themselves that infidelity is a deal breaker from the moment they marry. They will often make this very clear to their husbands. However, sometimes, these wives do change their minds. Perhaps they see the sincerity in their husband’s promises at counseling or they want to take their time before deciding to leave their marriage. Some wives do not immediately act on the infidelity because they envision some scenario in the future where improvements could be made, even if they know that this may not happen right away.

Wives Who Leave May Not Have What They View As Incentive To Stay: I have been very honest about the fact that my children were initially my primary motivation for not getting an immediate divorce following the affair. I am not sure that I would have been willing to take that approach if I had not been a mother. But, I had people besides myself to think about. And I knew that growing up with a broken family was not what I’d envisioned for my children. So I decided to at least try to see if our marriage was salvageable. That way, I would always know in my heart that I did everything that I could to save my kids’ family.  If you don’t have kids, then you want to stress that you are still family.

Wives Who Leave Do Not Always Believe In Their Husband’s Sincerity: I know a good deal of wives who pursued a divorce after their husband’s infidelity. In some cases, this was not the first bout of infidelity. Some of these wives were definitely dealing with repeat cheaters. Understandably, each time the trust erodes, it is that much more difficult to get it back. Some wives just don’t want to try anymore when their husband seems not to have learned his lesson. Others don’t want to try even the first time because their husband doesn’t seem all that remorseful or sincere. In short, they don’t want to do all the work to save the marriage only to have him cheat again.

Wives Who Leave Do Not Believe There Is A Viable Plan For Rehabilitation: I know many wives who tried to make their marriages work for quite some time but who are no longer married today. Those wives finally gave up because, despite time and effort, nothing really changed. There was still anger, resentment, and confusion. Even if both spouses really wanted the marriage to work, neither saw much improvement over a fair amount of time.

If I have learned anything from my own situation and from watching others, it’s that you can’t just sit passively and hope for the best. You can’t just tell yourself that things will improve with time if you are not actively working to uncover why the cheating happened and then what you can do to keep it from happening again. You must have a concrete and workable plan for how you are going to restore trust and intimacy because you can not rebuild your marriage without these two things.

It would be wonderful if our marriages would just repair themselves with time and intention. But, in my experience, this is just not how it works.

Some Wives Who Leave Are Not Open To Anything Other Than Leaving: Most of us declare that if our spouse ever cheats, that is a deal breaker. However, there are some of us (like myself) who eventually reconsider for various reasons. Still, there are some people who are extremely firm on what they have already established as deal breakers and they do not deviate from this. The issue of infidelity is very cut and dry for them and they are unwilling to change their minds no matter what their husband does or says. If you are dealing with one of these wives, the best option is loving patience and time. It is very difficult to debate because these wives are firm in their beliefs.

Some Wives Leave But Then Come Back: Some couples temporarily spend time apart after cheating or an affair but come together later after the dust has settled. This was the case with me. I needed time to calm down, gain perspective, and regroup. I honestly think that taking this time was beneficial to me because it would not have gone well if my husband and I had been in constant close quarters immediately after the affair came to light.

If you are a husband who wants to be in this category, do everything in your power to show your sincerity. Do not minimize your wife’s concerns and feelings. Own up to your mistake. Have as much patience, compassion, and understanding as you can muster. Let her set the pace. Commit to counseling or some sort of workable rehabilitation plan and stick to it. It is very hard to heal without one. And that has got to be the goal – to help her, and your marriage, heal.  If you want to read about how we did this in our own marriage, you can visit my blog: http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: It is very common for spouses struggling after an affair to feel as if they are still living in turmoil for a long time after they’d hoped that they would be fine. You often give yourself a specific time limit in which to move on. But very often, that time is reached and passed and you can, at times, still feel very much in limbo. Even if you know that you have made progress or have been able to save your marriage, you still may not be totally at peace with the situation and you aren’t quite sure why.

Someone might say, “my husband’s affair was well over a year ago. For the most part, we made it. We are still married and I believe that we are doing okay. My husband did most of what I asked of him. Our marriage feels stable and solid for the most part. However, on some days, something or someone will remind me of the affair and I will sometimes feel rage come up or even some anxiety and uncertainty. When I am reminded of the affair (and this happens far too often) I find myself ruminating about it. I find myself admitting that I am not okay about it. And that I am not at peace. Will I always have to struggle with this? ”

I can tell you that I don’t think about my husband’s affair all that much anymore. But I certainly can’t claim that I never do. Certain dates or places will bring back memories. However, for the most part, these issues pass quickly and I don’t ruminate nearly as much as I used to. I believe that there are several reasons for my ability to find peace after the affair, which I will discuss below.

1. Know That You Are Not At Fault Or To Blame: One of the first steps toward my coming to peace with the affair was understanding that I was not the one who made the choice to cheat. This was my husband’s doing all the way. Sure, we did not have a perfect marriage, but we had a really decent one. And even if our marriage was horrible (which it wasn’t) that is no excuse. So I was able the remove myself from any self-blame. I knew that this wasn’t on me and that I wasn’t part of the equation, which helped me to be more objective.

2. Do The Work To Understand The Motivations Behind This: I believe that you can’t move on from an affair until you believe that you are not going to have to repeat this healing process. If you are always wondering or worrying that he is going to cheat again, then you honestly can never move forward. Being about to progress means that you understand why he cheated and you know that you’ve taken sound steps to ensure that all of the contributing factors are removed. It also helps to know that you’ve improved your communication so that if he is ever tempted, he will talk to you before he takes action. Knowing these safeguards are in place means that you don’t have constantly worry about this. So you can turn your attention to other things.

3. Have Confidence In Yourself To Handle Whatever Comes: Honestly, this is one of the biggest variables but it is one that is often overlooked. You can’t have peace if you are always afraid. I learned to challenge my dark thinking. I would think to myself “I know he’s going to cheat again.” And then I would challenge myself with, “well what if he did?” After working really hard on building myself up, I was able to say, “I would be fine because I know that I can depend on myself.” Once you get to this place, there is no need to constantly dwell on the negative. There is no need to borrow worry. Because you know that if the worst happens, you are competent enough to handle it.

4. No One Can Knows What Tomorrow Brings. Much Is Out Of Our Hands: Continuing on with the topic of buying worry, it doesn’t make sense to dwell on the future when you alone can not control it. Since there are two people in a marriage, trying to control every single aspect of it is going to be frustrating. Control what you can. But know that it’s possible that in five years, life may deal you another issue that needs your attention. You may be surprised to find that tomorrow, the affair isn’t on your radar as much as you feared.

5. Control What You Can: I know that I’ve just said that much about the future is outside of your control. But that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t attempt to get a handle on the issues that are within your control. You can certainly strengthen your marriage, improve your communication and negotiating skills, work on yourself, and focus on intimacy. The truth is, when you have a strong marriage, it is much easier to have faith in that and to let go of all of the worries. Knowing that you have done all you can means that you can step back and know that however it plays out, you did your part as well as you could have.

6. Know That Adversity Makes You Stronger: In the same vein as knowing you can handle whatever comes your way, making peace with adversity allows you to stop holding on so tightly. If you accept that hardships are inevitably going to come your way, also accept that many of them will be to your benefit because they will make you stronger and have important lessons to teach you. Looking at things in this light allows you to drop some of the dread.

7. Tell Yourself That This Too Shall Pass: I know that when you are still in pain about the affair, you think that this pain is going to be your constant companion. Most people would tell you that in time, it does get better. Humans have a way of dropping issues when they become too burdensome and when they repeatedly hold your back. After a while, you get very tired of always being afraid and on edge. It feels so much better to drop all of this baggage and tell yourself whatever will be will be. You will deal with issues as they come up, but you will enjoy yourself in the meantime.

When you spend all of your time worrying about tomorrow, you can not enjoy yourself today.  I learned that the hard way.  I have made my marriage as good as it can be and I enjoy every minute of it.  I am not going to rob myself of that pleasure by worrying about a tomorrow that may never come. It took me a long time to get here, but it feels fabulous.  You can read more about my recovery at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Occasionally, people will admit to others (and to themselves) that in some ways, having an affair improved at least some aspects of their lives. With this realization, they aren’t exactly defending the affair, but they can’t deny or denounce these improvements, either.

Someone might explain, “this time last year, I was seriously depressed. I felt absolutely worthless. My marriage was awful. My health was deteriorating. My work suffered. Some days, I struggled to get out of bed. I tried antidepressants but they did not work for me. My husband would ask out loud where was the woman he married. He wasn’t happy. I wasn’t happy. Things were pretty bad in our home. In fact, I think that if nothing had changed, we may have been headed for divorce. But we struggled along for several months. And then a new co-worker arrived. We were assigned to work closely together and became very close friends. This man supported me through thick and thin and I regained my confidence. In a few months’ time, I was a new person. Yes, we eventually had a very short affair, but he got transferred. I know that it would have ended anyway. I did not want to leave my marriage, but this new relationship lit a new life in me and I’m frankly so grateful. Unfortunately, my husband found out about the affair. And now he associates the ‘new me’ with the other man. So he doesn’t like the new me any more. This is hurtful. I am not going to turn the page on the improvements that I have made. They gave me my life back and frankly, they gave me the possibility of getting my marriage back. Without the changes in me, I would have just languished in my life and would have been no wife to my husband. We would have ended up divorced. Now I am jovial and back to myself. I would be loving if my husband would let me. How do I get him to accept the improved me and make him believe that this is not solely due to the other man?”

Disconnect The Improvements And The Affair: Honestly, this is going to be a hard sell. But I do not think that it is impossible with a little finesse. I think you have to completely abandon associating your improvements with the other man and with the affair. As a wife who has dealt with a husband’s infidelity, there is no way that I would accept anything that the other woman or the affair offered my husband – even if these gifts were wonderful ones. I would reject them outright simply because they were fruit from the poisoned tree, so to speak.

Reframe: With the above said, perhaps if you could reframe the improvements, he might embrace them. If you could associate the changes to additional responsibilities at work that elevated your confidence, this might help. If you did anything else at the time to improve yourself – exercise, pampering, improvements in appearance, etc. then THIS is what you want to focus on.

In short, you want to focus on the fact that you made yourself a priority and this, in turn, elevated your confidence in your ability to handle yourself in the workplace and at home. You can also keep up the self-improvement now so he can see that you were and are serious about this.

Don’t Make It All About You: Please don’t take this the wrong way. I am giving you my best input as someone who has gone through what your husband is going through. Try to make sure he knows that you are thinking about the two of you as a couple right now. If you are coming at him only talking about the changes to you, then he might not be as receptive as if you talked about “us.” Right now, your marriage needs to be a huge priority. And your marriage consists of two people, not just one. So it’s very important that your husband understand that improvements to you equal improvements to the marriage (and in turn benefit him.) It can be hard for him to see this if you are mostly talking about yourself. Make sure he hears you also talking about him and about your marriage.

Use Caution When Necessary: You want to be very careful that you don’t look like you’re trying to use your improvements as justification for the affair. In his eyes, there is no justification and he will resist any implication that there is.

Instead, approach him as someone who is grateful for personal improvements because they will make your a better wife with a stronger marriage who is happier in general. Then, keep showing him that you prioritize self – improvement on your own so that it’s actually feasible that you pulled yourself up by your bootstraps without the affair. In fact, do not bring the affair into it. One thing does not need to be tied in with another.

Actually, my husband’s affair did bring about some beneficial changes in our marriage and I am actually grateful for those. But I greatly resist associating these things with the affair, so I will often reframe it in my own mind. This is what you’ll have to help your husband accomplish, but I know that it is possible.  You can read all about our recovery here: http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: It is not uncommon to take a huge hit in self-esteem if your spouse cheats or has an affair. However, some wives experience something even worse – a feeling of complete worthlessness. Not only do these wives not feel as valuable as they used to feel; they do not feel any value at all.

A wife might explain, “I found out six weeks ago that my husband has been cheating on me. He claims that he ended it. I do not know if this is true. I would have thought that, as the weeks passed, I might start to feel a little better. But I haven’t. I actually feel worse. I now realize how much I have sacrificed for my family. And if my marriage ends – and this may be a good possibility – I have nothing. After we had kids, my husband and I jointly decided that I would stay home. My mom always worked and left us with abusive grandparents. So my husband did not have to work too hard to convince me that this was the best idea. I intended to stay home until my children started school. However, one child developed a health condition, so I had to stay home even longer. As a result, my professional skills are dated. God forbid, if my marriage ends and I have to support myself, I am not sure how I would do this. And I am not sure if any man would be attracted to an unemployed woman with two kids. I feel pretty hopeless and worthless right now because I feel like I’m dependant on my husband and I have no options. He knows this so he may not be as remorseful as he should be because he knows that I am limited. At the same time, I know that it is not in my best interests to let my husband know that I feel this way, but I’m not sure how effective I am going to be at hiding it. I feel like my worthlessness just seeps out of my body and my being right now.”

Understand Your Value: I know exactly how you feel. I felt similar to this after my own husband’s affair. I had to make very conscious efforts to keep myself upbeat and prideful. I did this in several ways, which I will discuss in more detail below. But first, I want to try to give you a pep talk. You need to realize that holding your family together and being the captain of the family ship actually holds a great deal of value. Because you were a constant loving and supportive presence, your children are being raised by the most important and formative person in their lives – their mother. This may benefit them more than you could possibly imagine. No one else is able to give your family what you can. There is no way that your husband could replace you with anyone else in this regard.

The Pitfalls Of Worthlessness: With that out of the way, I want to address how hard you have to fight for your self-worth right now. Here is why. If you continue to doubt your own worth, you will sabotage anything that you are trying to accomplish. If you’re trying to save your marriage, you will never believe your husband when he insists that he is still committed to you, even if he is being 100% truthful. If you decide to end your marriage, you will take this feeling of worthlessness with you into any new relationship, any new job, or any new friendships. It will be like walking around with one arm tied behind your back. It saddles with a handicap that you don’t deserve.

Now I know you might be thinking, “Ok, I realize all of this, but maintaining my self-esteem and sense of being worthy is easier said than done. I know all of this intellectually, but this doesn’t stop my feelings.” I completely understand. It is something that you are going to have to be conscious of every day and then you are going to have purposely do things to counteract it.

Picking Yourself Up: You may want to try affirmations, exercise, self-improvement, splurges, counseling or whatever is necessary to feel your best. I took things so far that I pursued additional education. I did this because even if I stayed in my marriage I wanted to feel that my professional attributes were current. Knowing that I was competent in this way helped me feel like an equal. I also worked on my appearance for myself. I made changes that I wanted and I did not care about my husband’s opinion because this was for me.

There were days when I didn’t feel like doing any of this, but I knew that if I didn’t, I was going to continue to be stuck. In my marriage or outside of it, I needed to know that I could depend on myself to provide what I needed. Once I proved this to myself, I had tons more confidence and this inadvertently improved my marriage because I believed my husband when he gave me compliments or discussed his commitment to our marriage.

It is extremely easy to fall back on feelings of worthlessness when your spouse is unfaithful. The irony of that is that it is your spouse who should be affected, not you. Always remember that nothing about you has changed. You are the same person, but your perspective is different. So, you must change your perspective by building yourself up. Give yourself permission to sing your own praises and to do whatever is necessary to feel like you are the only one who matters right now. You can read more about my own journey here: http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many wives hope for a cheating husband who makes a near-fool of himself to get in her good graces after an affair. In reality, many wives get much less than this. Many get husbands who are stand-offish, distant, and cold. Unfortunately, many husbands are LESS demonstrative and affectionate after they’ve been caught cheating or having an affair. Understandably, this can make a wife feel unattractive and undesired.

She may wonder whether this unfortunate turn of events has anything to do with her husband’s affair. She may confront him about this and be confused at his answer. Someone might explain it this way: “Honestly, before my husband’s affair, we had a decent physical relationship. We had regular sex and my husband always complimented me on my appearance. Our friends would tell us to get a room and comment that my husband couldn’t keep his hands off me. Unfortunately, a couple of months ago I learned about an affair. He immediately cut it off when I confronted him. I never considered leaving. We’ve simply been together too long and through too much to throw that all away. I believed him when he said he was sorry. I believed that we could heal our broken marriage. However, our recovery has not been as seamless as I’d hoped. My once loving husband now holds me at arm’s length. He has not complimented me on my appearance once since I caught him cheating. He has not made one physical overture toward me. I always have to be the one to initiate any contact. And frankly, sometimes he turns me down as if I am unattractive. Instead of looking at me with lust, he looks at me with indifference. I confronted him and asked if he found me unattractive. He said that he doesn’t find any women attractive right now. He said that guilt about the affair kills any libido he may have had. Is this a valid excuse? I look exactly the same as I did three months ago. Nothing has changed. The only thing that has changed is his faithfulness and apparently, his guilt. ”

I will let you decide if the guilt excuse is a valid one. But, I can tell you that it is a very common excuse. I’ll explain more below.

Shutting Down What Hurts. Just for a second, imagine yourself in your spouse’s shoes. Being burned by something sometimes makes you want to shut that thing down. In this case, he was burned by reacting to his physical desires. So, it can make sense that he wants to shut down that part of himself for a while. Sometimes, this doesn’t seem logical, but that doesn’t mean that you can help it at the time. After I was in a car accident, I hated driving. I did everything in my power to avoid it. Intellectually, I knew that the chances of a repeat accident were no higher than before. I knew that I had to live my life and that meant driving. Still, this knowledge didn’t stop me from physically recoiling and feeling panicked every time I got behind the wheel. I didn’t want to feel this way. I needed and wanted to drive. But for a while, I could not stop the involuntary physical reactions. Your husband may be experiencing a similar reaction.

Working On Healing Your Marriage Will Help With Attraction: Honestly many issues such as this one are just going to come with healing. And healing takes time. Right now, your husband believes that he has ruined everything. He cannot envision a time when everything is going to feel okay again. So he feels extreme guilt and even self-hatred and he turns that inward. He probably doesn’t feel that he deserves to feel any pleasure, especially with you. However, as he begins to see that it is possible to make things right again, the internal self-loathing will start to fade. And he will begin to allow himself life’s pleasures again, including physical intimacy with you.

It is very important to have a plan for such healing. It often just doesn’t happen on its own – no matter how long you may wait for this to happen.

Maintaining Your Self-Worth While You Are Waiting: Because of my own experience with this, I know how easy it is to feel unattractive right now. Keep reminding yourself that there is NOTHING different about you, your looks, or your magnetism. You are right. The difference lies in your husband’s mistake and now in recovery. Do not fall into the trap of thinking that this is somehow your fault or that you are not good enough. Do whatever is necessary to maintain your own confidence and pride. If you let these things slide, then the affair has stolen even more away from you. You don’t deserve this. Hold onto to self-love with both hands. Don’t surrender the wonderful person you know yourself to be. If it helps, you can read about how I maintained my own self-esteem here: http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many of us define our reaction to cheating before it ever happens to us. We tell ourselves (and our husband) that if he ever cheats, we are leaving. We claim that we will be out the door so fast his head will spin. However, when cheating becomes a reality, we stay put. This is confusing. Didn’t we proclaim that we would leave? Why aren’t we doing so?

Someone might say, “I have always told my husband that if he cheats, I’m gone. Well, he did cheat. And I’m still here. I don’t understand why. I told him that I was going to leave and he begged me not to. I asked him why he would stay when he betrayed me. He said that we owe it to ourselves to try to work it out. So here I am. I have left for a few days and stayed at a hotel or with friends. And yet, I always come back. Then I mope around and I punish my husband with my attitude. But I am here. I know that I should not be here. I have even looked at apartments, but the idea of leaving my home is very depressing. I have looked up attorneys to pursue a divorce. But I have not called. My husband keeps begging me to listen to his plan for healing. But I don’t listen. I can’t seem to process what he is saying. I don’t necessarily believe him because he lied to me about the affair. At the same time, I make no move to cut my losses. I do not understand why. My best friend said that maybe I am afraid to be on my own, but I do not know if this is the case. Why would I be so afraid to leave him after the affair?”

I’m not sure that you are experiencing solely fear. As someone who has been through this, there are many contributing factors to this indecision. Below, I will list some possibilities.

It’s Not As Cut And Dry As It Once Seemed. I had the same experience as this wife. I also told my husband that I would leave at the first sign of cheating. However, when my husband of many years had an affair, the outcome didn’t look as clear as I’d assumed. I had set up a home with this man. I had created a family with this man. We had children to consider. So it was not going to be just me that was affected by my choices. And it was not as simple as one person walking out the door.

Another consideration was that although the affair was a horrible action, my husband had a lifetime of loving actions that I could not ignore. I could not pretend that he’d been a horrible husband or that our marriage had been an unhappy one. Neither was true. So I was dealing with many contradictions. Sorting that out was not going to be immediate. I owed it to my family to carefully consider my reaction. So I gave myself time and refused to make an immediate decision. This didn’t mean that I shut down any chance that I would eventually divorce. I just vowed to delay that decision until I could make it calmly.

An Affair Is Shocking Enough WIthout Upending Your Life. This wife mentioned that she was having trouble processing all of her conflicting emotions. This is normal. After a husband’s affair, you are juggling many potential realities. You are struggling to determine the truth. You are struggling to pinpoint what you might have missed. And you’re attempting to determine where you stand today. Navigating any one of these issues would be a monumental task. But juggling them all at once can feel quite overwhelming. It’s no wonder that you feel ill-prepared to take the life-changing action of moving out.

You Can’t Just Disengage With Your Feelings And From Your Investment. You’ve likely invested much time, effort, and emotions in your marriage. When your marriage takes a damaging blow, it can be difficult to just walk away. This is true even when your spouse is at fault. One day you love your husband and are invested in your marriage and the next day, you’re just supposed to walk away? As many of us learn, it doesn’t work this way. You can not turn off your feelings within the course of a few days or weeks.

You Know You Haven’t Tried Redeeming Work. I can’t speak for anyone else, but I knew that I wasn’t going to be able to walk away until I at least heard what my husband had to say. Afterward, I knew that I had to at least try counseling or anything else that might help us. I was torn about this. Part of me knew that none of this was my fault. I knew that it was unfair that I had to take the responsibility of attending counseling when I hadn’t cheated. At the same time, I still had a responsibility to my children. I was still part of the family that I might dismantle if I walked away. So I felt a huge responsibility to carefully consider all of my options. Some of those options included counseling or trying to save the marriage.

I personally felt that I had to earn my way out. I felt that I needed to know I’d done everything possible to see if anything was salvageable. If I tried and it didn’t work, well, at least I’d know that I tried.

That’s not to say that walking away immediately isn’t a valid decision. It is. I just couldn’t do it for myself. You may be experiencing the same thing right now. I wish you luck. Moving out or ending your marriage are serious decisions. Do not beat yourself up if you want to take your time in making these hard decisions. I personally think it is better to be gradual and deliberate than to make a quick decision that you may later regret. You can make a life decision at any time. I find that I make better decisions when I am calm and have time to weigh every option. That often takes some time in the aftermath of an affair. It took me longer than I originally thought, but I am glad I didn’t rush to a decision.  I’m also glad that I remained married.  I am much happier married now than I would have been on my own.  You can read the whole story here: http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Unfortunately, many wives who are trying to move on after the affair are very frustrated with the pace of their progress. Many of them worry that recovery is taking far longer than they anticipated. They sometimes think that this means that their marriage is now doomed to fail or that they can’t ever heal. Many of them don’t want to give up on their marriage, but they wonder if they even have a choice. How do you hang in there when you doubt that you are making any progress at all?

I know this topic well. My recovery took far longer than I anticipated or hoped. I have to admit that I kept going because of my children. I was only thinking of them. If they had not been part of the equation and I had been only thinking of myself, I may have struggled greatly. However, there were times where I just had to shore up my resolve and keep moving. I made the mistake of telling some acquaintances about the affair. Some of them relentlessly questioned me about why I stayed when things didn’t appear to be changing. I stayed because I didn’t want to uproot my life. I stayed because I’d invested years in my marriage. Below, I’ll go over how and why I did it.

Accept That Progress May Be Gradual Or Hard To Gauge: By nature, human beings are quite impatient. We want everything to feel normal immediately. I learned this lesson very recently when I sustained a mild brain injury that affected my concentration and my eyesight. Doctor’s instructions were to rest and to limit electronics. This was torture. Intellectually, I knew that accepting a gradual recovery helped my long-term outcome. But the days where I felt completely nonproductive were excruciatingly long.

The same can be true during affair recovery. One morning you may feel pretty hopeful. But by mid-day, you may find yourself angry or unsure for no particular reason. Or you may find yourself lashing out at your husband or other loved ones for minor infractions. Your husband may have answered all of your questions. Yet, you keep backtracking and asking again. Your husband may insist that he is committed to you, and yet you are sure that he will cheat again. He will demonstrate a desire to be intimate. But you will still question his attraction to you.

I know that these contradictions can be frustrating. But I believe that they are normal. It is rare that someone doesn’t experience at least some of them.

Find Other Ways To Make Progress: With my brain injury, I found that I did better when I looked for small signs of progress. For example, being able to read a novel was going to be out of the question for some time. I had to take that off the table. So I asked myself if I was able to read even a small amount of text on that particular day. I allowed myself to feel hope for even tiny improvements.

You can do the same sort of creative thinking with the affair. You may not have restored intimacy and trust yet. But can you sit in the same room together for longer periods of time before the fireworks begin? Did you ask your husband fewer questions that have already been answered today? Did you ruminate slightly less?

If the answer is yes to any of these questions, you ARE making progress and can give yourself credit for the same. If you felt that you answered no too much, then it may be time to try different approaches.

Have You Explored Every Avenue?: One effective way to move on is knowing that you have done every single thing that you can. If you still feel stuck, ask yourself if you’ve used every resource available. Counseling is great and often a short cut to healing, but I know that some people resist it. If you are in that category, you can still educate yourself about recovery via self-help.

Yes, you can only control yourself, but that still leaves you with much power. Because changing some things within yourself can yield huge results. This was the last place I addressed, but it should have been the first. When I was lamenting my lack of progress, I looked around and realized that most of our issues had already been addressed endlessly. But the one thing that hadn’t been addressed was me. In the end, my struggling self-esteem was holding back progress. It was difficult for me to believe that my husband was committed and invested because I didn’t see myself as worthy. I worried that I was old and ugly. I fretted that I was uninteresting. It was not until I addressed my self-worth that many of our recurring issues improved because I could finally believe in our marriage and in our progress. Finally, I felt like an equal part of the process.

Commit To A Set Period Of Time: I think one thing that helped in my own marriage was I committed to a set period of time as long as my husband did as I asked. In other words, I told him that I wouldn’t go anywhere as long as he agreed to rehabilitation. As a result, he did come right home after work. He did stop traveling for his job. And he did commit to rebuilding our marriage. Then he took the action to make this happen. So long as he did these things, I had no choice but to be patient and wait for the results to happen. They eventually did, but certainly not as soon as I’d hoped.

Sometimes, hanging in there is nothing more than a leap of faith. I made the leap because I wanted to keep my family intact. There were days when I questioned the logic of this and worried we’d never get there. But we did. The time-frame was longer but the results were sweeter.

If you are determined that this marriage is still what you want, it can be worth it to hang in there. Ask yourself if you are seeing small improvements. If not, change things until you are. Know that this is a gradual process and celebrate any small victories along the way. Don’t put pressure on yourself. Accept that gradual improvement is more likely to be a lasting improvement. The changes we made in our marriage still endure today. Sure, things went very slowly, but that might be while we’re still going strong. You can read that story of healing here: http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: One of the top complaints from wives after a husband’s affair is an inability to move on. Even if you are typically stoic and practical, it can be normal to ruminate over a spouse’s affair for much longer than you intend to. Even worse, it can seem that the spouse who did the cheating seemingly moves on almost immediately. This can leave the faithful spouse wondering if she did (or is doing) something wrong.

She might say, “It has been four months since I caught my husband cheating on me. It hurts as much today as it did then. I am no closer to letting it go than I was on that first day. My husband has apologized and has reassured me that he wants our marriage. Despite my chilliness toward him, he is still in our home and still hanging on. But, he is not suffering in the way that I am. When I caught him cheating, he immediately broke off the affair. He didn’t debate this at all. He basically cut her right out his life. He has tried to be attentive and loving but I often rebuke him because I am still angry. I still have questions and still ask for explanations. He tries to be patient but I know that he is getting frustrated. Still, he is not living in the past in the way that I am. He physically and emotionally left the affair behind on the day he broke it off. But I am still in the past and I don’t understand why. He is the one who was living a life outside of our marriage and he just packed that all away in the blink of an eye. I was not intimately involved in it and yet, I can not let it go. Why does a husband move on more quickly? What can I do to move on as he has?”

I know exactly how you feel. It took me quite a while to “get over” or to “move on” from my husband’s affair when he would have been content to turn the corner immediately. I have pondered and researched this difference for some time. Below, I’ll explain why I believe a husband can move on more quickly.

It Is In His Best Interest To Minimize The Agony: Think about it. With almost any unpleasant topic, task, or thought, it is human nature to want to get anything unpleasant over with as quickly as possible. That is why most of us try to get our most difficult tasks out of the way in the morning so that we do not experience dread all day long. Your husband knows that if he focuses on his behavior and on his mistakes, he will only feel worse about himself. He knows that the longer this goes on, the more he faces your anger, your pain, and your wrath so of course, he wants to move along as soon as he can.

Dwelling Would Force Him To Examine His Faults: If your husband thought long and hard about why he cheated, he would have to do a deep self-examination. Such an examination might be painful and might also reveal that he was weak-minded, had poor impulse control, and betrayed the person he loves the most. It would take a very strong and determined person to endure such a deep-dive. You are already mad at him and are pointing out his faults. So he is responding with self-preservation. He doesn’t want to pile on as it is just human nature to try to retain some self-esteem.

The Affair (And The Other Woman) May Not Have Meant All That Much: Sometimes when a husband claims that the affair meant nothing, he is being truthful. He may not have been all that emotionally invested in the affair. So once it is over, what is the point of hanging on? It may be very clear to him that your marriage is the relationship he wants to invest his time and his emotions in. So, he is doing just that. In his mind, there is no point in going back there because it is over. So he is living in the present because that is where his future lies.

He Is Trying To Help You Move On: Often, a spouse will try to move you along with their own attitude. He is hoping that you will mirror his own stance. By demonstrating a move forward, he is hoping that you will do the same.

Examining Your Own Contributing Factors: When I was grappling with this same issue, I realized that my frustration was more about my own inability to move on than about my husband’s ability to do so. If I was being honest with myself, I had to admit that I didn’t want my husband living in the past. I didn’t want him continuing to think about the other woman. But I was frustrated that I was still doing so.

In light of this, I figured that the best course of action was not to focus on my husband, but on getting myself in the present and in the future. So I asked myself what I needed that I wasn’t getting. My husband had already given me all of the information that I’d asked for and yet I kept asking. My husband had reassured me endlessly and yet I was still demanding the same. This realization propelled me to begin working on my own self-esteem and confidence. I realized that part of my inability to move on was due to fear. I worried that he would cheat again or that I was not good enough to hold and keep him. Addressing my self-esteem did increase my ability to move forward.

Ask yourself what you need that you aren’t getting. Sometimes, our inability to move forward is more about ourselves and about our own doubts. If this is the case, no one can give you what you need except for you. Not even your husband.

But if there are still things that you need from husband, you may have to ask him. Make every effort to get everything that you truly need. Without this, you might still struggle as you attempt to move forward.  I had to spell many things out for my own husband.  You can read exactly what here: http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: There is a stereotype of the aging man who has an affair with the golddigger younger woman. For the most part, this is who we picture when we think about marital infidelity. However, statistics tell us a very different story. It is not just men who cheat. It is not just older folks that cheat. There is not one “type” of dishonest or weak people who cheat. In fact, it is increasingly easy for otherwise upstanding spouses to chat, sext, or interact with others with the touch of a button and then not even consider it to be wrongdoing.

I hear from many people who never suspected that their spouse was the “type” of person to cheat. They will insist that he was always honest and never on the prowl. They will point out how much he loves his children and wants to take care of his family. I completely understand this thought process because I used to think this way also. But, I now know that in truth, there is no “type” who cheats. Most people can be vulnerable to it, given the right circumstances. Below, I’ll offer some statistics that show the answer to “who cheats?” or “who has affairs?” is “potentially everyone.”

Women Are Almost As Likely To Cheat As Men: Statistics show that 50-60 percent of married men cheat on their spouses. Compare that number with 45-50 percent of married women. Yes, men are slightly more likely to cheat, but married women cheat with increasing frequency and cheat almost as much as men.

Most People Don’t Intend To Cheat. Many Are Not Searching For It: Although we often think that most affairs begin because people actively seek it via websites that are popping up everywhere, in truth this just isn’t always the case. You so often hear comments like, “I saw an old friend at the library.” Or “someone from high school messaged me on Facebook.” They’ll describe it as an opportunity that just dropped into their lap and then they find themselves chatting with the other person for hours. They’ll convince themselves that fate brought them something special. So yes, they respond when they could have looked the other way, but they didn’t necessarily seek it out.

Age Can Matter: Although people of all ages cheat, middle age is a common time for cheating among both genders. However, for men, the risk of cheating actually goes up as they age. Women peak in middle age and then taper off.

Education Levels: Those with a college education are slightly more likely to cheat than those with only a high school diploma. However, the difference is very slight.

Divorced Parents: People whose parents divorced in childhood are more likely to cheat than those whose parents remained married while they grew up.

Religion: Those who regularly attended some form of church services were slightly less likely to cheat than those who rarely did. But again, the differences are slight.

Extreme Age Difference Between The Spouses: Couples who have age differences of 15 years or more are more likely to suffer from infidelity. Scientists theorize that differences in perceptions, culture, and habits might play a role.

The End Of A Decade: Interestingly, people are a little more likely to cheat before they have a decade birthday or when their age ends in the number 9. In other words, people who are 29, 39, 49 etc. are slightly more likely to cheat. This may be due to people being aware of aging and wondering if their life has a purpose (much like a midlife crisis.)

The Need For Something New: Admittedly, some people cheat because they are seeking new experiences which they don’t feel that they can get at home. This may be sexual, emotional, or intellectual.

Revenge: People whose partner has cheated on them become much more likely to cheat, possibly because their spouse has already defined that fidelity is not a given in their marriage. Sometimes, they want to show their partner how it feels to be cheated on.

Economics / Income: Women will lower incomes are slightly more likely to cheat than women with higher incomes. However, the largest statistically-increased group occurs where the wife makes more money than her husband.

Warmer Weather: Warmer months have higher rates of infidelity. Scientists aren’t sure why this happens, but there are definitely higher rates of cheating in the summer months. One theory is that people travel more during this time and therefore have more opportunities.

So, What Does This Us Leave Us With?: Although we now have a bigger picture of “who cheats,” it is important to understand that these categories often presented with only very slight differences.

There is no “smoking gun” that points to the typical cheater or the partner that you need to watch out for or keep an eye on. And this can be frustrating and scary, but it can also teach us how important it is to try to maintain our emotional and physical intimacy with our partner. If you are able to keep him busy engaging with you, then he is less likely to have the time and inclination to become one of the statistics listed above.

As you can see, people across all walks of life cheat when the opportunity presents itself or when they choose to seek out that opportunity. But there is not one type. Men, women, young, old, rich, poor, etc. can all find themselves in a marriage marred by infidelity. No one is safe and no one is fated, either.  I never thought that I would be part of this group, but I was.  However, we did recover.  You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Sometimes when you are trying to move on with life after the affair, you will remember significant days along the way. Even a couple of years later, these significant dates stick out in your mind. For example, you may remember the date that you found out about the affair, or when you confronted him. You might remember when you started counseling, or when you allowed him to move back into your home or into your bedroom. And you might remember the day that you told him that you forgave him.

Some wives chose not to acknowledge these days. Without a doubt, they remember them. But they see no reason to dredge it all up. Other wives actually want to acknowledge them because they want to evaluate how far they have come. Unfortunately, some can’t deny that have not come far enough. So when they approach one of these significant days, they want to offer their spouse a letter or card. But, when they’ve fallen short of their goals, they may be unsure of what to say.

Someone might explain it like this, “tomorrow is the one year anniversary of the day I forgave my spouse’s affair and recommitted to our marriage. I remember that I was full of hope. I was so relieved. I just wanted to move forward. I believed that we would be successful because we both wanted it so badly. Parts of this year have been good. We have traveled more. My husband spent more time at home. I can’t say that we’ve completely failed. But in many ways, we are still on shaky ground. So I am reluctant to give him a card because I don’t want to imply that all is well. But I don’t want to complain, either. I know that we’ve both tried. I know that there have been improvements. And yet, things are still awkward. Our sex life struggles. I still cannot allow myself to trust. In some ways, I am disappointed. This is not the marriage I hoped for. But I guess I should be grateful to have a marriage at all. What should I say?”

I honestly think that you should say exactly what you have outlined above. I think that sometimes we assume that if a card or letter is not 100% positive, we shouldn’t send it. I’m not sure this is true. If you feel weird about expressing this in a card, sit down and talk.

The Conversation You May Wish To Have: There is nothing wrong with saying, “do you realize that today is the one year anniversary of when I offered forgiveness? I have been thinking about how far we have come and how far we still have to go. We’ve had some successes, but there are places where we could still improve. Can we talk about this?”

Then take turns acknowledging what was good about the last year (the travel, the time at home) and what could be improved upon (intimacy, trust.) There is nothing wrong with being honest about your reality. How will you reach your goals if you don’t define the ones that remain?

The Importance Of Checking In: Over the course of my recovery with my own spouse, I learned that it’s vital to regularly check in. If you do not speak up, you are going to feel resentful when your needs are not met. Don’t be surprised if your husband has his own list of unmet needs. But again, you can’t fix what you are unaware of.

Get Help If You Need It: Don’t be discouraged that there is still work to do. Simply vow that next year, you’ll have a long list of successes and a short list of failures. If you find that you are unable to successfully tackle some of the more difficult issues, don’t hesitate to get counseling or to use self-help. Sometimes, a professional can uncover what is truly at play and help you efficiently fix the issue. This saves much time and heartache.  You deserve the peace to truly move on. You don’t want to have to re-evaluate the same issues ten years later.

The Value Of Looking Forward Rather Than Back: Honestly, although I did remember notable days for a couple of years after the affair, I don’t any longer. We’ve pretty much healed. And because we check in with one another regularly, there is no need to do this yearly. We certainly celebrate notable days  – our birthdays, our wedding anniversary, and the accomplishments of other family members. But we do not see the need to dwell on the affair’s timeline anymore.

I understand why you need to do this and I encourage you to take this as an opportunity to have an open discussion. But I’m not sure that you want to get in the habit of remembering this day each and every year. The goal is that eventually, you will only be looking forward and not looking back.

In closing, I think that you should write (or say) exactly what is on your mind.  Explain both the good and the bad. Sure, you are not going to find a Hallmark card for this affair anniversary at the supermarket. You might get a generic card and then just allow your own words to speak for you. Or you might have a verbal conversation. But go ahead and tell him what is on your mind. Just don’t make this date an important (or annual one) in your married life together. An affair is not an occasion that you want to revisit each and every year. If it helps, there’s more about the steps I took toward healing on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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