Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Many wives who are dealing with a cheating husband who seems remorseful and intent on staying in the marriage question his motives. Theoretically, he can say – and even do – all the right things. But of course, wives still have their doubts. They wonder how if the marriage was so important to him, why would he cheat in the first place?

One common reason that the wife is hesitant is due to the issue of his security. She might explain, “my husband cheated on me with a younger, and let’s face it, prettier, woman. When I caught him, he immediately broke it off and told me that he would do whatever I asked him to do to stay married to me. I told him that I would have to think about this and to not pressure me about it. Meanwhile, I am allowing him to stay in our home. He is sort of meandering around and moping. It is clear that he isn’t happy. I’m not necessarily happy. But I am also his right-hand woman and the person who organizes his life, cleans up his messes, and cares for his children. My husband and I have been together since we were kids. We finish each other’s sentences. Living without one another would feel like living without part of ourselves. I believe this is part of the reason why he stays with me – I am his security blanket, so to speak. He doesn’t want to leave the cozy feeling of that blanket, but he is not passionately in love with that blanket either. So my fear is that he is going to keep me around for security, but he will also wait until I let my guard down and then cheat again, or at least entertain that thought. I was reading some of his texts with the other woman and he clearly had feelings for her – or at least pretended to be very invested in the relationship. I don’t want to let go of my marriage. This is especially true because of my kids. But I am not sure that security is the only reason people should stay together after infidelity.”

There are many, many reasons that couples choose to attempt to hang on after infidelity. Sometimes, the reasons may seem inadequate. But that doesn’t stop people from trying. I personally don’t think (from my own experience) that it is always the reasons that matter – it is the result that you get from doing the work that matters.

For example, I chose to give my husband a chance because of my kids. I’m fairly certain that if I did not have children in the equation, I would be divorced right now. Because at the time, I was simply too angry and devastated to have the patience to work through the issues that arose after the affair. However, my kids meant that I needed to attempt to summon that patience. If I failed, well, at least I would know that I did everything that I could for my kids.

However, in the end, we stayed together not because of the kids, but because we were actually successful in rebuilding our marriage and restoring the trust. It took a long while and much work, but I did grow to respect and trust my husband again.  And although I wasn’t sure that if it would be possible, I WANTED to remain married, but only if we could fix our marriage to the point where I’d be content and truly willing to trust. And, with a great deal of work, we actually succeeded in this.

So while it may bother you that the security issue tethers him to you, if you are still invested in your marriage, perhaps it is a blessing. It means that you might give him a chance to make this right. Who knows if he will be successful or not, but it may not hurt to give him that chance.

I’d like to make one final point. Very few people would stay in a situation where there was no genuine satisfaction and contentment. I know that it’s being called “security” in this situation, but there is a lot to be said for a relationship that can withstand the test of time and stresses. Sure, we all like to fantasize about the type of passion on which movies and mistakes are based. (And you can certainly restore much of that passion with work. I did!) But in my opinion and experience, nothing can compete with a long-term relationship in which both people intimately know one another – the good and the bad.

I firmly believe this is why so few spouses actually divorce in the face of infidelity. Yes, cheating is a serious threat to a marriage and it is a painful, difficult recovery. However, if you look at the statistics, not as many marriages end due to infidelity as you may assume.  In fact, the majority do not. Now, what the statistics don’t tell us is how many of those marriages are happy ones. But I believe that, to some extent, you are able to control this. You can keep working and re-working until you get your marriage to the place where you want and need it. If your spouse isn’t quite making the grade or some things still bother you, speak up. If you need expert help to get through this, get it.

I do understand the “security” concerns. I had many of the same issues. I thought my husband stayed, at least in part, due to comfort. But in the end, the reasons didn’t really matter. They just allowed us to open the door. We had to do the work to walk through the door and to close the door. My reasons for giving him that chance were only the tip of the iceberg. What truly matters – and what is truly going to last – is the work we did on our marriage to ensure that we have a happy household once again. In the end, that is what matters most to me. I protected my kids from the aftermath of the affair. But if they were ever to learn about it, I hope that they would take comfort in knowing that their parents worked together – despite the pain and uncertainty – to keep their family together, much to their benefit.  You can read more about the actual steps we took to keep our marriage intact here: http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  If you are a faithful wife who is dealing with a cheating husband, you are going to understand me when I say that how your husband describes, reacts to, and postures about the other woman are vitally important.  Once the affair is out in the open, the wife watches and listens to his words, his body language, and his claims regarding the other woman.  The wife wants all the verbal and nonverbal information that she can get.  After all, she’s desperately trying to figure out how her husband really feels about this person.  This goal makes sense because the husband basically risked everything to cheat.  So, of course, the wife wonders if he has deep and meaningful feelings for her that are going to threaten the marriage.

Quite often, the husband will begin posturing very quickly.  While some husbands refuse to speak ill of the other woman or will insist that she did have some redeeming qualities, other husbands can’t denounce her fast enough.  This can make the wife wonder if she can believe in his sincerity.  How does it make sense that this woman is so awful and yet, a very short time ago, the husband was cheating with her? 

A wife might say, “I caught my husband cheating strictly by chance.  Honestly, I had no clue.  He had been acting completely normally and frankly, our marriage has been pretty decent.  I thought that we were happy and I know that our kids feel as if they have grown up in a happy home, which truly means everything to me.  However, there is no question that he cheated.  But now that I am demanding information, he is insisting that this meant absolutely nothing and that he and the other woman have only seen one another a total of three times.  He says that the other woman is stupid, demanding, obnoxious, and low class.  From my own research, his description is pretty accurate.  However, if he really felt this way, why would he cheat with her?  When I ask him about this, he claims that she caught him at a time of weakness and that even when he was with her, he wasn’t really into it.  I mean, I guess I could believe that if it only happened once, but this just isn’t the reality of it.  So his words just don’t make a lot of sense.  I have asked a couple of girlfriends about this and they say that he doth protest too much.  They say that perhaps she was adventurous sexually or something that had nothing to do with her looks or personality, but they insist that clearly, she had something, because he kept coming back.  My friends claim that all men who are caught cheating speak badly of the other woman and that this really means nothing.  Are they right?

Well, I can’t speak about everyone’s else’s situation.  I can only speak about my own case and I can speak about my own observations when I supported other wives who have gone through this.  Many husbands do immediately denounce the other woman.  Statistically speaking, most cheating people very much want to stay in their marriage.  So it is in their best interest to make the wife think that she has absolutely nothing to worry about it in terms of the other woman.

Sometimes, It Is A Matter Of A New Perspective: Some husbands feel differently about the other woman once the affair is over.  Although they may have thought that they were very much into it while the affair was happening, once they are caught and the thrill must be gone, they can feel like a fool.  They are generally embarrassed and ashamed and they will sometimes associate these negative feelings with the other woman, so suddenly they feel very differently about her. Some even blame her for ruining their life or risking their marriage.  

Defending The Other Woman Is Actually Common: I also have to tell you that plenty of men actually defend the other woman, refuse to speak ill of her, or even cling to her and tell the wife that he is not yet ready to break it off.  In fact, some husbands try to use his feelings for the other woman to justify the affair.  He’ll claim that they had a special relationship and therefore, he just could not pass it up. Many husbands will also use this same excuse when they ask for time to decide what they want to do about the affair.  Some will flat out tell their wives that they aren’t ready to let her go.

So no, not every husband speaks poorly of the other woman.  In fact, many speak favorably of her or at least will refuse to throw her under the bus.  And other husbands will immediately speak of her like she is trash.  However, it can be difficult to determine if they are sincere or if they are just posturing for their wife and for their marriage’s sake. 

Many wives don’t exactly get comfort from this trash talk anyway.  What kind of person will just cheat with someone who had no redeeming qualities whatsoever?  If his standards are this low, does this mean that you need to worry more? Not necessarily, but I would not base my entire reconciliation (or lack of it) on what my husband said or claimed.

Quite frankly, it is the husband’s behaviors, actions, and intentions that matter the most.  A husband can sincerely tell you that the other woman meant nothing and then cheat again in six months. Another husband may be honest about his conflicting feelings, go with you to therapy, uncover some serious sabotaging behaviors, and then be faithful for the rest of his life (once he understands his motivations, risks, and behaviors.)

Men can and do say any number of things after they are caught cheating.  Some claims are true and some are not.  Many such claims don’t mean all that much in terms of the future.  What is much more important is what he DOES, not what he SAYS.  This is why I watched my husband very closely for a very long time after his affair.  Watching authentic behaviors and patterns will tell you much more than any words your husband can say.  You can read more about my recovery from the affair on my blog: surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: It is very common for a spouse who suspects cheating to wonder if they are losing their mind. Even if they have at least some evidence, the cheating spouse will often be completely indignant in response. They will do everything in their power to make the faithful spouse seem overly suspicious, paranoid, and crazy. This is somewhat understandable. They don’t want to be caught and they sometimes want to continue with their cheating. So, they’ll spin a web of lies in the hopes that they can carry on with both their marriage and/or the affair.

When the wife or the faithful spouse finally learns the truth, the hope might be that now the lies and the spin can stop. But, unfortunately, this does not always happen because the cheating spouse can still be in self-preservation mode. He’s often not going to concede defeat so easily. He’s worked very hard to create doubt, uncertainty, and hesitation. Why would he just give that up?

No, very often the cheating spouse will keep right on gaslighting. What I mean by this is manipulation meant to improve the cheating spouse’s situation and weaken the faithful souse’s position. Frankly, this is not always a conscious decision. It is human nature to want to minimize pain and blame. So the cheating spouse figures if he can spin a yarn to diminish the impact of the affair, who is getting hurt? What he may not realize is that this type of manipulation hurts the faithful spouse on top of the pain already caused by the affair.

A wife might say, “my cheating husband has been gaslighting me this entire time. I knew that he was cheating with a coworker. I just knew it in my bones. But rather admitting to it, he made me seem like a raving lunatic. He told me that the other woman was married, that his job depends on working closely with her, and how dare I accuse him of something so morally wrong? He acted like I was the bad person in this scenario. He kept on at me until I backed off and I really did start to question myself. But he made some mistakes and I caught him. But do you think he stopped gaslighting? No, he didn’t. Now he’s saying that, well yes, he lied about cheating, but only because he was trying to protect our family and he was trying to protect my feelings because he didn’t want to admit that I’d been neglecting him, neglecting my own appearance, and neglecting our marriage. He was trying to spare me the shame, you see. What a crock! The thing is, although this makes me so furious, in the back of my mind, I know there’s a kernel of truth in it. And he’s made me question myself so often, that I waffle back and forth on how to react. I want to tell him to stop lying and to jump in a lake. But when I try to come back at him, he only comes back at me harder, so I back down. He is determined to be the one who lays out what actually happened and it is so frustrating. How do I get him to stop gaslighting me? I just want to get some sort of baseline for the truth, because if we don’t, I fear we’ll never heal. My husband would be very happy if I would just allow him to paint his own picture, but that’s just not fair.”

I agree that it’s horribly unfair and that if you let him set the narrative, you’re also conceding that he may dictate how the recovery will go. Since YOU are the one who is going to have to live in a marriage that he has damaged, I would accept no less than your dictating how it goes – at least to your own satisfaction. I understand that it can be difficult to insist on your own reality when he keeps trying to flip things on you. Below, I will offer some tips.

Allow A Third Party To Help You: Your husband may attempt to manipulate your reality because you have a long emotional history together. But a therapist, counselor, or third party who is in this to help you may not be so easily manipulated. A good therapist will not hesitate to call him on his nonsense and manipulation. Better still, you don’t have to be the bad guy who is always questioning his story and his logic. The third party can do it while you just sit there silently cheering inside.

Momentarily Walk Away When He Continues. Refuse Him An Audience: The next time your husband starts with the gaslighting, you might try something like, “we both know that this version of events isn’t true. It’s not going to become true just because you keep repeating it. If you truly want to make progress, you are going to need to stop this spin and tell the truth.” Then, give him a chance to regroup and get honest. If he doesn’t and continues with the gaslighting, try, “I’m going to stop you right there. I’m not going to keep repeating myself here. You’re going with alternate realities again and, as I said, we can’t move on until we are dealing with the truth.” Keep us this process until he realizes that you will accept nothing less than the truth in order to move forward. If he truly wants to make progress and move on, then he will learn to stop the gaslighting.

Practice Building Yourself Up Until You Believe That You Can Trust Yourself: As you have suspected, it becomes easier to stand up to this injustice when you are confident in yourself. Give yourself some outlets outside of this situation that will build your confidence. Hang out with nurturing friends. Consider individual counseling. Do some self-improvement. Whatever will give you confidence in your own competence and abilities is so worth doing right now. The stronger you become, the less you will question yourself and the more you will realize exactly what you deserve so that you accept no less than this.

Over time, this shift should become obvious to your husband. If he does not get the desired response to his attempts to gaslight you, then there is no need for him to continue. He needs a willing audience to pull it off. When you refuse to become that audience and make him understand that you will only listen to the truth, then he’ll have no choice than to either bring honesty to the table or live in his own reality by himself.

Initially, my husband did try to deflect some aspects of the affair.  I made it clear early on that this would not fly.  Sure, I had to repeat myself because he would occasionally try again, but I held firm.  I knew that if I gave in, then I was only playing my own role in keeping things chaotic.  And I knew that we desperately needed clarity, honesty, and progress.  You can read more about our recovery at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Most of the audience that comes to this blog consists of faithful spouses who are trying to cope with infidelity.  These folks did not cheat and, as best as they can, they are trying to heal.  However, there is a small audience of people who WISH that they had remained faithful.  They are the cheating spouses who deeply regret their behavior.  They typically fear the consequences of their actions.  They are completely aware that their spouse would have every right to end the marriage.  And yet, they are desperately hoping to save it.

One of them might say, “I know that this sounds like an untrue story, but I swear that I was actually trying to break the affair off when my husband found out about it.  He actually read texts where I was telling the other man that I could no longer continue on in the way that we were.  Of course, we went back and forth about this so my husband doubts my sincerity.  He’s more concerned about the fact that I was cheating in the first place than about me trying to end things.  In fact, he’s so mad that he will barely talk to me right now.  I don’t blame him.  He has every right to be outraged and hurt.  However, when I think about how much I have to lose right now, I am floored.  There are my children, my home, my marriage, my extended family, and the fact that I still very much want my marriage.  I will admit that I didn’t put a lot of thought into what might happen if I got caught.  I never thought that far ahead and this was a mistake. But never – in this entire process- did I ever think that my marriage would end.  In fact, that is not what I wanted.  I love my husband. I’ve never stopped loving him.  The affair was more about my attempts at self-sabotage because I never felt good enough for my husband.  But I desperately want to stay married.  When I tell my husband this fact, he says that I should have thought about that before I cheated.  He’s right, but that doesn’t mean that I’m going to surrender my marriage.  What can I do to stay married?”

I have to be honest, I’m not a wife who has been in your position.  But I am a faithful spouse who ended up staying in my marriage, so perhaps I can still offer some help.  I can tell you some things that my husband did (which ultimately greatly affected my decision to remain married.)  I waffled on this for a long time.  I waited and watched.  But ultimately, I did decide that my husband was showing the behaviors that made me feel safe in trusting him again.  I will share some of these below.

Take Immediate Responsibility.  Don’t Make Excuses:  There is nothing that annoys and confuses a faithful spouse more than hearing the cheating spouse trying to deflect the blame or trying to make excuses for their behavior.  Many times, the cheating spouse will attempt to, at least in some small way, justify their actions.  They’ll say that they were under stress.  They’ll try to argue that the marriage had been struggling.  They’ll say that the affair meant nothing, etc. etc.  What they don’t consider is that typically, the faithful spouse is and was dealing with all of the same set of circumstances and yet, the faithful spouse didn’t respond by cheating.  Therefore, very few of these excuses actually help.  In fact, they make things worse.  You are much better off just taking a deep breath, admitting that you willingly and knowingly made a grave mistake, and stressing that you are deeply sorry for it.  Then, promise to focus all of your attention on making it right.   You did it.  Now take responsibility for fixing it.

Know That Staying Married Is Going To Require Exploration, Work, And Rebuilding:  Put yourself in your spouse’s shoes for a minute.  If your spouse cheated on you, how hard would it be for you to trust again? Think about it.  Although you might very much want to have blind faith, this would be very difficult because you’ve been burned so badly before.  So in order to even think about trusting again, your spouse needs to know that you understand WHY you cheated and then are willing to work hard to remove this issue.  You said that you were self-sabotaging.  Why?  And how will you avoid this in the future so that your spouse never has to endure this again? You need to be able to truly say that you have removed this issue from your life so that your spouse doesn’t need to be paranoid about repeat cheating.  This may require a good deal of counseling or self-help, but if that is what it takes, you should be willing to do it.

Know That There May Be Necessary Requirements Which Seem Unfair:  For a good amount of time, I required my husband to allow me to access his phone, messaging, and email.  I didn’t make a habit of snooping, but I needed to know that he was willing to be absolutely transparent because he had nothing to hide.  I’m sure he hated this invasion of his privacy, but he worked hard to be an open book and this went a long way for me.  Some of the things that your spouse may ask of you may definitely seem unfair, but if you are sincere in wanting to save your marriage, you might find these things to be a small price to pay in the grand scheme of things.

Worry More About Rebuilding A Strong Marriage Rather Than Merely Staying Married.  Think About The Long Term:  Many people think in the short term when trying to stay married after an affair. They can only think in terms of their spouse not leaving or about not getting a divorce.  These things are important, but I promise you that it’s more important that you rebuild your marriage in the right way. If you don’t, then you may still have a marriage, but it will be one filled with resentment and mistrust.   You really have to be in this for the long haul.  You don’t want to look at the short reprieve or your own fleeting feelings.  You want to look at the long-term health of your spouse and your marriage.  If you make these things your main concern, your actions will naturally follow.  You can never go wrong by prioritizing the needs of your spouse over the needs of yourself right now.

My husband eventually made it clear that his concern was about me and the long-term health of our family.  Sure, he wanted the scrutiny to stop, but he knew that it was necessary.  These were just a few of the things that made me feel safe in staying married.  You can read more about our eventual full recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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I recently heard from a wife whose husband was proclaiming that he “loved her even more” in the months after his affair.  The wife thought he was just saying this to get back in her good graces again.  She didn’t believe this for a second.  She asked in part “is it possible for a husband to love his wife even more after his affair or is this just something that husbands say because they think it’s what we want to hear?”  I’ll give you my take on this in the following article.

I Believe That It Is Completely Possible For A Husband To Love His Wife More After Cheating Or Having An Affair: I’m sure some would say I have the opinion that I do because I WANT to believe that my husband loves me more after his affair.   And that may be a valid point.  But I have countless men write me on my blog who don’t know me at all.  They have no reason to lie.  I don’t know them or their wife.

And they are literally desperate for a way to make this up to their wife.  They want someone to tell them how.  Because they tell me that the threat of losing their wife makes them realize just how much they love her and how much they would devastated to lose her.  Many now realize how much they have taken their wife for granted and how much they regret this.

Does this mean they love her more than they did before they had an affair? That’s not for me to say. But I do believe that seeing their wife’s reaction, pain, and disappointment can bring feelings to the surface that were long buried.  And thinking that he’s messed up enough to potentially lose his wife will often seem to intensify his feelings – seemingly over night.

This change of heart can seem abrupt or even insincere to wives.  But I can tell you that I believe most men who insist to me that they love their wives and would do anything to convince her of that. Is it possible that he’s only claiming to love you more to win you over and get you to forgive him?  I suppose so.

But, if his love for you wasn’t true, what would be his incentive to lie and claim that it was?  I mean, if he didn’t love you and want to be with you, why lie?  Because if he’s successful in convincing you or this, then there’s a chance you’ll want to save the marriage and continue to be with him.  If he didn’t really love you, why would he want that?  Why would he sentence himself to a life with someone he didn’t love or want to be with.

I know that some will argue he’s doing it for his kids or because he doesn’t want to lose everything in a divorce, but it would have to be a pretty superficial person to do this.  To me, if he’s telling you that he loves you more after the affair, then you have to make a decision as to whether you want to listen.  You don’t necessarily have to believe him that very second. But you can make a decision as to whether or not you want to let him prove that to you.

Because his words are honestly just that – his words.  It’s his actions over the long haul that are going to tell you the truth.  My strategy has always been to be open to what he says but to make him prove it to me.

In my mind, there’s less risk in this strategy.  You see for yourself over time.  The truth will reveal itself because he’s either going to live up to this claim or he isn’t.  But if you make a decision before you give him this chance, then you would never really know.

I do believe my husband loves me more than before his affair.  And I don’t think it’s from guilt.  I think it’s because of all the work we did on our marriage.  Our bond is actually stronger.  It wasn’t always easy, but it was worth it.  If you like, you can read the story of how I healed (even when I didn’t always think this was possible) and we saved our marriage after the affair on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  As strange as it may sound, wives who are dealing with a husband’s affair can actually feel quite a bit of guilt.  They can feel guilty that they didn’t see the signs of an affair.  They might feel guilty that their marriage wasn’t perfect.  They might feel bad that they have a husband who felt he needed to cheat.  Or, a bit more surprising, they may feel guilty when they stand by that same husband.

One might explain, “I have always prided myself on being a strong, independent woman.  I have tried to teach my daughters this lesson also.  Many of my friends have these same attributes. I have always thought that if a man ever cheated on me, I would not hesitate in leaving the relationship immediately.  And I did kick my husband out of the house when I found out about the affair.  He is not living here.  I don’t know if we will ultimately divorce.  But right now, I have told him that if he makes a serious effort to clean himself up and figure out why he behaved this way, I will consider a reconciliation, assuming that I will one day feel loving toward and trusting of him again.  One of the reasons for this is that his mother is a widow and she has been dealing with dementia.  This has been extremely hard on my husband and I can’t just abandon him.  I am also thinking about our family.  I do not want my kids to grow up in a single parent home.  When I say it this way, I feel justified in it.  But later, when I think that I am a strong, independent woman who is staying with a cheating husband, I don’t feel so good about it.  In fact, I feel guilty, as if I’ve created a separate standard just for myself.  I also feel like I’ve allowed my husband to prey on my sympathies, which makes me feel a bit ashamed.   At the same time, I’m not ready to walk out on my life.  Why do I feel so guilty?  Will the guilt stop?”

I understand how you feel.  I also felt some guilt when I was considering allowing my husband “an in” with me.  However, I must also admit that I felt just as much guilt when I considered what a divorce might mean for my kids.  I do not think that there is any perfect answer.  I suspect that there might be uncertainty and negative feelings, no matter which route you take.

Misplaced Guilt At Not Practicing What You Preach:  For me, much of my guilt came because I knew in my heart that I was not following up on all the threats I’d made over the years.  During the course of our marriage, we saw friends and other family members go through infidelity.  I would always comment that if cheating happened in our marriage, this would be an absolute deal breaker.  So when I waffled on this, it felt like I was letting myself down.  I wasn’t upholding the claims I’d always made.  That’s hurtful.  However, I eventually came to realize that in other areas of my life, I had made exceptions for those I loved.

In truth, I’ve made threats to my kids about certain behaviors and I have shown flexibility when there were other factors to consider.  I took into account whether the child learned from their mistakes, was sincerely sorry, and took responsibility for his actions.  Yet, when it came to my husband, I was claiming that he didn’t deserve the same courtesy.  Certainly, I’ve made grave mistakes in my marriage.  Granted, they had not been as serious as infidelity, but my husband has always met my mistakes with understanding and patience.   It did seem hypocritical to just draw a line in the sand without giving him a chance.

Alleviating Some Guilt By Not Making Any Concrete Promises:  One way that I tried to alleviate some of my guilt was that I told my husband that I would spend time with him in order to consider being open to a reconciliation.  However, I never gave him any promises or commitment.  I told him that I was willing to listen to what he had to say, to watch as he attempted rehabilitation, and to attend any of his counseling sessions where I was needed.  I did all of these things.  However, if at any point my husband didn’t make good on his promises, then I would not have felt compelled to continue on that path.  I could have bowed out at any time and I likely would have if he did not commit to becoming the trustworthy, rehabilitated husband that he claimed he’d be.

Doing The Best That You Can:  At the end of the day, I decided to give myself a break and to do as much self-work as possible.  I figured that if I could restore my self-esteem, I might feel less guilt and I was mostly right.  Yes, I wish my husband had never cheated.  I would have given anything for that.  But I couldn’t change that.  So all I could do was try to learn something – about myself, my marriage, my husband, and my family.   In many ways, we did make improvements to our lives as a result.  We worked hard to make our hopes a reality. Because of that, I did eventually feel more comfortable with reconciliation and I decided that I wasn’t going to apologize for trying to save my family and for hesitating to throw away a man who had a been a good husband and father until he made one huge, hurtful mistake.

Infidelity is never a good situation.  There will always be difficult choices and negative feelings.  But as much as you can, give yourself a pass.  You are doing the best that you can.  You can and should watch closely before you make any commitments or fully reconcile.  But I also understand wanting to be open to the possibility of reconciliation.  I don’t think that you need to feel extreme guilt for that.  It’s normal to want the chance to heal and to make things right.  No guilt required. You can read more about my own struggles during recovery here: http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many people who are trying to recover from an affair notice that they and their spouse see the events quite differently. The cheating spouse may be very remorseful for his actions, but if you’re dealing with a husband, you will often get reassurances that the affair was not an emotional one or that he was not in love. He will say this as if it makes all of the difference in the world, as if a line in the sand has not been crossed and, therefore, it is possible to move on.

However, if the spouse in the same scenario is a wife, you are theoretically less likely to get such casual and fleeting attitude about the affair. That’s because men and women CAN sometimes have different attitudes about an affair and these differences can affect both the way that each spouse carries out affairs and also reacts to the discovery of an affair in their own marriage. These differences can also greatly affect the ability to recover.

Emotional Vs Sexual Infidelity And What Hurts The Most: What I am about to say might be stereotypical or may even appear to be sexist, but countless psychological studies bear this out. When a spouse has an affair, a husband is more likely to be deeply wounded about sexual infidelity while a wife is more likely to be deeply wounded by emotional infidelity. Statistically speaking, a husband would have an easier time moving on if his wife had a more emotional type of affair, while a wife could handle physical infidelity a little more easily. Now, this is not true of everyone, but statistics do show trends.

Compartmentalization And The Seeking Of Emotional Fulfillment: Likewise, statistics show that when participating in an affair, men are much more likely to be able to compartmentalize their lives. A married man who cheats often maintains a good sex life with his wife and will tell you that he is happily married since the affair is merely a physical distraction. He may well simply want variety or an ego boost. He is less likely to be having an affair in search of a long-term relationship. More likely, he wants to have the affair and then return right back to his marriage as though nothing happened.

In contrast, wives who cheat are more likely to be unfulfilled in their marriage, even if they have no intention of leaving it. For many women, they can’t enjoy sex without an emotional connection. Therefore if they are going to cheat with someone, they are more likely to be emotionally invested. That is why faithful wives are always concerned that the other woman won’t want to let go. Women do have a higher chance of becoming emotionally involved than men.

Understanding Parental Obligations As A Reason For Differing Reactions: So why are men so concerned about sexual infidelity? Scientists tell us that this tendency goes back to parental certainty. Men want to be sure that their offspring are actually theirs and that they aren’t taking responsibility for someone else’s offspring.

Yes, I realize that we are talking about something that was important in the Middle Ages when people needed true heirs, but the instinct is apparently still ingrained within us because faithful wives CAN be extremely concerned and have trouble moving on after the affair for the very same reason – she wants to ensure the success of her family. When he husband is sniffing around (and theoretically might care for) another woman, what does this mean for the wife’s security, her future, and the future of her children?

This is another reason why it is so difficult for women to have casual affairs. An unplanned pregnancy or taking on another child means tons more work and commitment to women. They are the ones who have to deal with a pregnancy, and they are the ones who will have to care for that child for the rest of its life. Men can theoretically pay money and be off the hook. This is not true of women.

Reactions Vary: With all the above said, none of this means that all husbands are going to pursue non-emotional affairs while all wives will pursue non-physical ones. Everyone and every affair can be individual. And just because our gender may make us more likely to react in a certain way, this doesn’t excuse our spouse or mean that we must react to someone else’s timetable. Although this information can explain our spouse’s reactions, everyone is entitled to their own reaction and to their own desired outcome.

Why Understanding These Differences Is Helpful In Recovery: Many wives are highly offended by a husband’s seemingly flippant attitude. They doubt his claims that he didn’t feel all that much for the other woman. This is partly due to the fact that the wife simply couldn’t act this way. If she were going to cheat, she would very likely feel something. So she simply can not put herself in her husband’s shoes. Her feelings, and therefore her behavior, would be completely different. This is where understanding the different perceptions of men and women can be somewhat helpful. It can allow wives to finally believe that their husband may actually be telling the truth.

Likewise, a husband who is dealing with a wife who had emotional feelings needn’t think that there was something hugely special about the other man. That’s just how affairs generally need to work for women. It doesn’t necessarily mean that the wife had (or wants to continue) a red-hot love affair. Sure, she may have felt that at the time, but if there is one universal truth for both men and women who have affairs, it is that most end up regretting it and end up perceiving things very differently once the affair is over. In short, it is often in hindsight that they realize how silly they acted and what a huge mistake they made.

At least this was the case with my husband, thankfully.  You’re welcome to read about how we finally recovered after his affair at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: If you are struggling with the aftermath of an affair, you likely already know that when topics about the details surrounding the affair come up, the faithful spouse can learn to tread very lightly.  Because although the cheating spouse may attempt to have patience when the affair is brought up initially, this same patience can quickly wear out.  It can become a vicious cycle.  The faithful spouse can feel as if she doesn’t have the answers and understanding that she so desperately needs, but the cheating spouse can feel as if the repetitive questions are never going to end.  He can begin to withdraw and become frustrated every time the faithful spouse brings up the affair, which is incredibly unfortunate because usually, the faithful spouse is only asking because she wants to make some actual progress.

She might say, “I can’t believe that I am saying this, but now that it looks like it might not be possible to save my marriage, now I think that I might want to.  But my husband is so impatient with me.  I admit that I tend to ask the same questions over and over.  But that’s because I don’t feel satisfied with the answers.  I don’t understand why he did this.  And literally, every time I ask, the answers will slightly vary, so that the new answers bring about more questions that I need to have answered.  I don’t feel that I have a full account of what happened.  My husband swears that I do.  He says that every time I insist on asking the same variations over and over again, we get pushed right back into the mire and all of the progress that we have made is undone.  I’m not sure that I agree with this completely, but I do see his point.  These exchanges often make both of us angry.  Last time, he literally told me that if I continue to bring up the affair every time that we talk, he is not sure that he can stand to live his life this way forever.  He says that he can never ever relax, let his guard down, or feel okay about himself.  He says that I am sentencing him to always live in the past.  This isn’t my intention and I know that I have to stop bringing it up, but I don’t know how to stop.  How do you not bring up the affair when it’s literally all you think about on some days?”

Why Censoring Yourself Can Have Negative Consequences:  I am biased.  But I honestly believe that if your questions are not answered or if new questions come up, then you should not willingly give away your ability to bring up the affair when you legitimately need to.  If you ignore your need for information, the churning of these questions will feel as if they are eating you up inside and taking up all of your emotional space.  Sure, I understand your husband’s desire to live in the future but allowing unresolved issues to remain means that YOU can’t necessarily move on into the future, either.  Keeping quiet might mean that you have to stay stuck because you feel that there’s not an open communication policy, which, believe me, is necessary when you’re trying to revive and then maintain your marriage.  You will need to be able to speak openly and to trust one another.  Censoring yourself is not the ideal way to achieve this.

Why Monitoring Yourself (And Asking Specific, Targeted Questions) Might Be A Better Idea:  Having said all of the above, I do concede that it CAN be a good idea to limit all of the rapid-fire questions.  Your husband does have a point.  Sometimes, it does get exhausting to repeat the same cycle all of the time.  You can both feel as if you are just going in circles.  The key then is to limit yourself to TARGETED questions and also, to think really hard about what you want the outcome of those questions to be.

Here is what I mean.  A therapist once told me that, if I found myself asking repetitive questions, to sit down and ask myself WHAT I was trying to elicit from the question and if there was a more efficient way to get it. For example, when I found myself repeatedly asking my husband how he felt about the other woman, even though he had repeatedly answered me, I realized that by continuing to ask this question, what I really wanted was reassurance about my husband’s feelings for me.

Or, when repeatedly asking about who knew of the affair, I was really wanting to know who I could trust.  This is very important because there were much more efficient and fitting ways for me to evaluate my husband’s feelings for me and to determine who my real friends were.  In fact, grilling my husband with questions that he’d already answered and that weren’t offering reassurance at all was actually DELAYING my getting what I needed.

Sometimes, you do need a specific answer to a question, but other times, you want something besides the answer.  You’re often looking for reassurance and healing instead.  In those instances, at least in my experience, you are better off moving forward, which leads me to my next point.

Moving Forward Even With Unanswered Questions Is Sometimes The Most Efficient Way To Get Peace Of Mind:  I know that it may be hard to believe this, but sometimes healing is the best answer for your most pressing questions.  Why do I say this? Because I think that often, our most pressing questions are just pleas for reassurance that this is all going to work out okay.  When you have some success with healing and begin to move on (even a little) you do begin to have the reassurance that only time and progress can give you.  Plus, sometimes, more snippets of information about the affair will naturally come out without your even needing to nag over it.  Your conversations become less emotional and therefore, your husband feels more comfortable disclosing the details.  Unfortunately, there is no way to rush this process, but it will often give much more honest answers.

Why You Shouldn’t Ignore The Elephant In The Room:  I’d like to leave you with one final thought:  I understand wanting to not talk about the affair at all, but doing this comes with its own risk.  When you ignore the obvious outstanding issues, you risk things becoming awkward between you.  This is something that can be just as detrimental to your relationship as the affair.  One of the hardest parts of rebuilding is reestablishing the trust and the loving and easy rapport between you.  With the awkwardness of incomplete conversation, it is extremely difficult to have the ease that is needed for the type of rebuilding that might actually give you more peace.  Because let’s be honest – asking all of those questions is mostly about us wives seeking peace.  We want answers because we hope that they can give us closure and peace.  Unfortunately, sometimes that comes with time and healing instead.  I am not saying that you should stop asking questions.  I firmly believe that you should feel free to bring up any issues that are needed.  I’m cautioning about those circular, repetitive questions that are truly more about reassurance than about any answer that your husband has already tried to give.

I began to limit my questions to those that truly had an answer and I promised to make a list and ask my questions all at once, at a designated time.  This meant that we were able to get out of the cycle we were in and I was able to make progress, which actually addressed my concerns more than the repetitive questions.  If it helps, you read about the progress we made here: http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many husbands would like nothing more than for the wife to erase his infidelity from her mind and to never speak of it again. Of course, this is sometimes next to impossible for the wife, but the husband often can’t or won’t understand this.

Someone might explain: “early on in our marriage, I caught my husband chatting with other women online. It was right after I had our first child. And although I was repulsed and so angry, I could almost see his motivation because I didn’t have time for him in a sexual way and he wasn’t actually physically engaging with these people. Now, it is seven years later. I can not complain about him as a husband. He is a good man. And he is a wonderful father. But last month, he went to his high school reunion and when I was unpacking his bags, a pair of panties was in with his clothing. I was beside myself and I immediately confronted him. Right away, he admitted that he had gotten drunk and had a fling with an old classmate. We live across the country from his hometown so it is not like he will ever see this woman again. Even though I know this intellectually, my heart tells me that my husband cheated on me. And the little voice in the back of my head is telling me that we need to go to counseling and do a lot of work on our marriage or we are never going to make it. But when I tell my husband this, he says that I am totally overreacting. He says that he would never ever be unfaithful again and only did because he was drunk. I reminded him about the online chatting and says that was completely different. He wants to just forget the whole thing. But I just can’t. Am I wrong?”

Why Forgetting About The Cheating Often Not Only Isn’t Advisable, It’s Nearly Impossible: I certainly didn’t think this woman was in any way wrong. Although her description did make it seem that this man was otherwise a good husband (and likely completely able to be rehabilitated,) he had exhibited a pattern of risky behavior and poor impulse control. Of course, I’m certainly not an expert and some may disagree with me. But I understood where this wife was coming from. He was asking her to just forget about something that was deeply upsetting to her. And I can tell you from experience that it is going to be very hard for her to trust him again until they had worked through all of the issues and restored the trust.

Because no matter how much you love a man, or know him to be an otherwise good and honorable person, once that man has cheated on you, then you are always filled with very painful and troublesome doubt until you are able to heal. You always wonder when he is going to cheat again and you are always suspicious.

As a result, he becomes more and more impatient with you and in addition to the infidelity, you have all kinds of additional conflict in your marriage. I understand why husbands want to just forget about the cheating. It is hard for them to know that their mistake has hurt you in this way. And many of them promise themselves that they will never cheat again and they fully believe this.

But, they do not realize that when they find themselves in another tempting situation, they may struggle with that poor impulse control once again (and potentially cheat) until they learn to effectively deal with it. Often, they don’t understand that needing help doesn’t imply weakness or make them a bad person. It just means that they love their wife and value their marriage enough to do this for you.

How To Handle It If He’s Urging You To Forget: I believe that you need to make it very clear to him that no matter what he does or says, you are just not capable of forgetting this even if you wanted to. You might say something like: “I am not denying that the cheating isn’t out of character for a man who has shown himself to be a loving father and a steady husband. What I am saying though is that the cheating has wounded me so that I am not capable of forgetting or of pretending like it didn’t happen. I am willing to try to move past that but we are going to need some help in order for me to do that. I know that you feel that this was a one time thing that you will never repeat. You may even be right about that. But I need this reassurance. I need for you to do this even if you don’t agree with me because you love me enough to take responsibility and be accountable enough to walk with me. I know that you didn’t set out to hurt me, but you did. And now we both have to pick up the pieces. Will you work with me to do that?”

Notice that in the above speech, you didn’t go out of your way to make him feel like a bad person but you were very clear on what you needed and that you weren’t willing to settle for less. This will hopefully make him realize that if he loves you, he will rise to the occasion and do what you need for him to do in order to restore the trust that he must earn back.

I don’t mean to sound insensitive, but I believe that the person who cheated has the responsibility to begin making things right.  Sure, it won’t be comfortable and it might be downright difficult.  But it is worth it if your marriage is really important to you.  When I tell you that you will probably need to see rehabilitation from him in order to feel secure, I speak from my own experience.  If it helps, you can read my story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  I often hear from wives who just do not understand the hold that the “other woman” in the affair has over their husband. Many of these wives tell me that the other woman is not even that pretty, polished, or accomplished. And yet, they are beyond frustrated to see this plain Jane, “nothing special” woman have an undeniable power over their husband because he is pretty much acting like an idiot because of her.

I recently heard from a wife on my surviving the affair blog who said, in part: “I just don’t get the hold this other woman has on my husband or the power she seems to have over him. My husband is a smart and successful man. He doesn’t usually take orders from anyone. He isn’t usually easily impressed. And yet he’s willing to risk nearly everything for this woman. He’s willing to jump through all sorts of hoops or give up his family just to make her happy. I just do not understand it. Is she always going to have this sort of power over him?”

I know that this is a very difficult situation. It is hard to explain why he is acting as he is in logical words because it often doesn’t make any sense at all. And you don’t understand how this fairly typical woman who isn’t a lot different from you has your husband to the point where he becomes a completely different person for her. The thing is, she usually doesn’t have any magical powers, mysterious hold over him, or anything out of the ordinary. But, your husband (and she) may not know this yet. I’ll explain below.

Why Husbands Allow The Other Woman To Have A Hold On Them While They Are Cheating Or Having An Affair: Many wives worry that their husbands are having an epic love affair with their soul mate and therefore, the wife just cannot compete. Well, the husband and the other woman can certainly feel that this is true at the time. And the reasons for this are pretty straightforward. Believing that they have something so special that this justifies lying and cheating is in their best interest. They have to build the relationship up to the highest heights in order to justify it. Because if you risked your family and acted downright foolish over a relationship or a person that was nothing special, then what does that say about you?

So you see, he needs to believe that she is worth every risk, every embarrassing act or behavior, and every compromise, especially at first. But that doesn’t mean that he is always going to feel this way or that he will never come to his senses. Over time, sometimes even the most stubborn man can’t deny the obvious. Often the other woman will show her true colors or her true motivations and as the freshness wears off of the relationship, which is when the jig is up.

Understand That The Power That She Thinks She Has Over Him Will Often Fade With Time: I get how hurtful and frustrating it is to watch while your husband makes a mockery of your marriage. He’s often acting like a 17-year-old teenager who is getting his first taste of his sexuality. Even if everyone is laughing behind his back, he just can’t see it at the time.

The thing is, she might be offering an intense physical relationship, a supposed emotional connection, or something exciting and new in the early days, but she can’t possibly keep this up. Time will make this relationship familiar in the end. That is inevitable. And when the relationship becomes familiar and when she starts to make demands, that is usually when her hold over him will begin to slip just a little. He no longer feels so young, carefree, or alive when he is with her and so he has no incentive to continue to risk everything.

How you handle the situation when her hold over him ends is up to you. Perhaps you might decide that she can have him. Or perhaps you are still very invested in your marriage or your family and are just glad that he comes to his senses when he eventually does.

Either way, you can often take comfort in the fact that it’s often not a question of if this hold over your husband will fade, it’s a question of when. That’s not to say that there are no couples who start their relationship as cheaters who end up with a lasting or real relationship. Some go on to marry the “other woman” but this group is very rare and in the minority. Most of the time, her hold over him ends as soon as the newness or the forbidden nature of the relationship ends. This is usually also around the time that she starts to let down her guard a little bit and begins to make demands or backs off of the “no strings attached” stance that many other women attempt in the beginning.

So to answer the questions posed, there’s not always an easy explanation for the hold she has over him. It often has to do with the promise of a forbidden and intense relationship which makes him feel younger, stronger, and more desirable. Unfortunately for him, these things are fleeting and are destined to fade and fail with time. I know that this may not make you feel better right this second, but I’ll bet it will make you feel a little better when it actually does happen and you feel quite vindicated in the end.

So try to think about the long-term rather than the short-term because often her hold over him is just as fleeting as the relationship. And saving yourself and your marriage is possible, depending upon your wishes when the smoke clears. I never thought I would stay with my husband or save my marriage, but that’s exactly what happened. If it helps, you can read the whole story of how I recovered after the affair on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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