Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

by: katie lersch:  I’ve had people tell me that there are two camps of cheaters, as follows:

1. those who want out of their relationship (or are not fully invested in it) and therefore don’t care if they get caught; and

2. those who hope and pray that they never get caught because they are still very much invested in their relationship or marriage and in love with their spouse or partner.

Many people have a very hard time understanding why anyone would cheat or have an affair when they are still invested in their marriage.  It just seems to be a silly and risky thing to do.

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “I found out three days ago that my husband has been cheating and having an affair with one of our neighbors.  When he confessed to me, I fully expected him to tell me that he wanted a divorce and was getting ready to pack his bags.  But this isn’t what happened.  Instead, he said that he wanted to be honest with me because he wanted to save our marriage.  This just makes no sense to me.  Why would you cheat on someone to whom you wanted to remain married? My husband knows me pretty well.  He has watched me support many friends whose marriages were destroyed by infidelity and he knows that I have no tolerance for it.  So, when he was cheating, he must have known that once I found out, there was a chance that I would leave him.  And yet, here he is confessing but telling me that he wants to stay in the marriage rather than leave it.  Can you explain the thinking behind this?  Because I just don’t understand why a person who wants to stay in the marriage would risk that same marriage by cheating.”

In the following article, I’m going to try to explain what might motivate a person to cheat even when they fully intend to remain married.

Many People Who Cheat Never Intend To Get Caught And Intend For The Unplanned Cheating To Be A Very Short Lived Affair: Before I get into the reasons for cheating and then wanting to stay married, I have to tell you that you may not fully buy what I’m about to tell you.  I completely understand that because, as a woman who has been cheated on,  I don’t always buy what men tell me either.  It is very hard for me to understand a thought process that would never be mine.

With that said, many people who cheat will tell you that they didn’t go into it with any intention of being unfaithful.  You will often first hear about a friendship developing and then you’ll hear phrases like “it just happened.”  Whether this is true or not, most people overwhelmingly make this claim.  And then they will say that once the unintentional cheating happened, they told themselves that it was a one time or short-term thing.  They planned to stop it before anyone was hurt.  Of course, sometimes it ends up lasting for longer than they originally anticipated.

Still, many people end up realizing that they have made a very huge mistake about which they feel an awful lot of guilt.  They often realize that they have taken a huge risk with the relationship that is most important to them.  This is why many of them confess or at least own up to what they’ve done once they have been caught. They suddenly realize that they don’t want to surrender their marriage and they are hoping that either their confession or their remorse is going to at least give them a chance to maintain or save their marriage.

Suspicions You Might Have About Their Claim That They Want To Stay In The Marriage: Many faithful spouses meet the cheating spouse’s claims with a good deal of suspicion.  People often tell me they fear that their spouse is just claiming that he wants to save the marriage because he knows that a divorce would end up costing him a lot of money or would risk him losing some access to his children.

I also hear from a lot of doubtful but faithful spouses who suspect that their spouse just doesn’t have the courage or integrity to tell the truth about his feelings.  Or, they worry that he wants to keep the cheating or the affair hidden from his extended friends or family and hopes that by staying in the marriage, his secret won’t get out.  These are absolutely valid concerns.  Dealing with the cheating is very painful.  But dealing with the cheating while trying to save your marriage only to find out later it was all for nothing is nearly unbearable.

However, the problem often is that there is no way to know what is actually true until you see it through.  You can’t read your spouse’s thoughts.  You can’t possibly know exactly what they are feeling.  So the only way to truly know their real intentions is to wait it out and see if their actions confirm their words.  Because if he’s not being truthful about his commitment to the marriage, then that will become apparent soon enough.   It’s very unlikely that he can keep up the facade for long if his heart isn’t truly in it.

And, his is not the only opinion that matters.  You also will need to decide if you want to stay in the marriage.  The decisions about your marriage are not his alone to make.  You have a say.  And you have your own set of wishes and intentions.  Sometimes, his wanting to stay in the marriage is not going to be enough.  You have to want it too.  And you both have to be willing to do the work to repair the marriage and to restore the trust.   Both of these things truly are possible.  But in order for that to happen both people need to be absolutely sincere about their feelings and intentions.

If you had told me that I would ultimately save my marriage after my husband’s affair, I might have laughed at that notion at the time.  But that is exactly what ended up happening.  I had my doubts about my husband’s sincerity when he claimed he wanted to stay in the marriage, but his actions proved my doubts were unfounded.  And today, I’m glad I gave him the opportunity to prove to me that his claims were true.  If it helps, you can read more about my recovery process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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By: Katie Lerch: It’s easy to understand why having sex after your spouse has had an affair can be a very awkward experience.  It can be nearly impossible to not to think about your spouse having sex with someone else. It’s impossible not to worry about comparisons as well as to worry about whether both of you are having sex because you really want to or because you feel that you should.

All of these emotions can be a factor in wives feeling used when resuming their sex life after the affair has allegedly ended.  A wife might explain, “as best as I can tell, the affair has been over for about eight weeks.  I caught my husband cheating, but to his credit, he did break it off immediately.  I keep tabs on him all of the time.  I check his emails and texts.  I mostly believe that he is no longer seeing the other woman, but I still have doubts sometimes.  Because he fooled me once.  What is to keep him from fooling me again?  We’ve been trying to work on our marriage, but we have bad days more than good days.  A couple of weeks ago, we resumed having sex.  My husband didn’t pressure me or anything.  But I knew that he wanted to and I was also sort of scared to say no because I had concerns that if my husband wasn’t getting regular sex from me, he would go seek it somewhere else again.  My husband denies this accusation and he gets angry that I would assume this, but I can’t help it. So, I’ve been having sex with him, but when I do, I kind of feel used.  He’s attentive when we are being intimate.  And I don’t think that he is faking it.  He seems genuine. However, part of me thinks that our emotional connection has taken a hit and we could potentially no longer be in love because of this infidelity and yet, here I am still making sure that my husband gets his sex.  This makes me feel incredibly used and then I end up taking it out on my husband.  I haven’t been honest with him about my anger because I feel silly about this.  I’ve willingly been having sex.  He hasn’t actually threatened or pressured me, so I am wondering if feeling used is valid.”

Why All Feelings Are Valid: I am of the belief that anything that you are feeling is valid.  As a wife who has gone through infidelity, I firmly believe that you should make no apologies for whatever you feel. Dealing with an unfaithful spouse can be incredibly painful and can, therefore, bring all sorts of conflicting and confusing feelings along with it.  Please don’t beat yourself up for this.  Also, please don’t bottle it in and continue to feel a lack of control and resentment.  You don’t deserve this and it’s very easy to take your control back.

Why The Feeling Of Being Used Might Surface:  I believe that doubt is very often the cause of these types of feelings.  In the weeks and months after an affair, we often doubt that our husband actually wants to be with us or truly wants to save our marriage.  We often wonder if, had he never been caught, if he’d happily be continuing on with both relationships.  Therefore, you wonder if he’s just having sex with you because you are a warm body and, since he can no longer have her, at least he will have somebody.  I certainly understand why these feelings surface, but I know from experience that they do nothing to serve you.  Plus, you can’t substantiate these feelings so all they do is sabotage your progress.

After a lot of frustration and pain, I finally came to realize that allowing my fear to control me was doing nothing to help my progress.  So I decided to only allow myself to follow worries where proof or substantial information was present.  In this case, your husband is working on your marriage.  Despite looking, you’ve found no evidence that he continues to see the other woman.  And he is actively pursuing a physical and emotional relationship with you.  Until you have further evidence, I don’t think that it pays to dwell on this.  But that doesn’t mean that you should continue to have sex if it makes you in any way uncomfortable.

Options Moving Forward:  Although I was actively trying to restore my marriage after my husband’s affair, sex was off the table for quite some time.  I just didn’t feel comfortable with resuming it until I was absolutely sure that I could trust my husband and that our marriage could stand.  Much remorse and active rehabilitation had to take place before I would even consider it. Plus, I wanted to make sure that the timing was absolutely right. So I took it off the table.  Did I worry that my husband would cheat again without sex?  Maybe a little.  But I didn’t want to be held hostage this way and realistically, in the lifetime of our marriage, we may have times when sex is off the table because of distance, illness, or for other reasons.  I want to be able to trust my husband in those circumstances.  My husband understood and accepted this.  When we did resume our sex life, we were able to avoid many of the problems which may have been present if we had rushed this.

I think that, at the very least, you can share your feelings with your husband.  Perhaps all you need is his understanding, reassurance, and sensitivity.  Or perhaps, you want to take a short break from sex until these feelings pass.  The last thing you want to do is to have negative feelings associated with sex.  Since it can actually help to restore feelings of intimacy, you want for it to go well, not to be a source of pain and doubt.

If there is anything that I learned from my own recovery process, it is this:  It’s very important to give yourself the time and the space that you need.  Feeling pressured to feel or behave in a certain way will typically only make things worse, at least that was the case for me.  I learned to make no apologies when I needed time or even when I needed specific things from my husband in order to make progress.  You can read more about that at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are overwhelmed or even ashamed by the emotions that they are feeling and displaying after they learn about their husband’s affair.  Many are quite embarrassed and worry that their reaction is stronger or more emotional than what is normal.

A wife might say: “I feel like an overly emotional idiot to admit this, but I can’t stop crying after my husband told me that he was having an affair.  I wasn’t even completely shocked. I sort of suspected it somewhere deep inside, but I just denied it to myself because it was so painful.  So I would tell myself that I was only being paranoid when I was actually a hundred percent correct to worry.  I don’t know why I’m so shocked and upset now.  But I can not stop crying.  I will pull myself together and go to the grocery store only to find myself sobbing in the check out line.  I will try to hide it from my kids but I find that tears are coming down my cheeks when I am talking to them.  I feel like such an idiot, especially since I’m not typically an emotional person.  How do I get ahold of myself? How long is this going to last?  Will I stop this soon?”  I’ll try to answer these questions in the following article.

While I couldn’t predict how long this phase was going to last for this wife, I could say with a great degree of certainty that things would eventually improve.  Why?  Because it’s very difficult (both emotionally and physically) to sustain this kind of turmoil.  You’ve heard the phrase “all cried out?”  Well, it’s natural to get to a point where that is the way that you feel, as though you must turn a corner for your own self-preservation.  With this said, you really have to be patient and gentle with yourself and allow yourself to go at your own pace, which leads me to my next point.

It Is Normal To Be Emotional Right Now.  Don’t Judge Yourself Too Harshly.  This Isn’t Your Fault:  I understand that you feel foolish and overly emotional.  I have been there.  And frankly, I felt downright embarrassed by the emotions that always seemed to rain down on me and to be beyond my control.  The tears felt like yet another insult.  But I soon learned that the more I tried to judge myself, the more pain I felt and it just wasn’t worth it.  Because none of this was my fault.  I was only reacting to the situation that I had been dealt.  The same is true for you.  Don’t beat yourself for feeling understandable emotions.  This is a difficult situation.  Even the most stoic and seemingly strong women become emotional when the marriage they thought they knew and counted on is challenged.  And it goes beyond your marriage quite frankly.  You begin to question your own attractiveness, your own perceptions, and your own ability to cope.

But it does get old.  And there comes a time when you just get tired of it.  So now, I’ll offer some tips on how I learned to deal with it. Hopefully, something here will help.

Allow Yourself A Few Moments To Just Feel And Experience What Comes:  Quite frankly, I found that the more I fought the crying, the more it would overtake me and the more I would experience the crying jags.  You almost have to stop what you are doing and fully experience it for a few minutes so that you can move on.  I used to excuse myself and then regroup.  Or, I’d tell myself that I was going to take a full ten minutes to cry, scream, or experience whatever negative emotions were present.  The idea was that by fully experiencing them, this would cause them to lose some of their power over me.  And this became pretty effective once I trained myself to unload during set times. Toward the end, I could literally release it all and then eventually face my day with at least a little more control.

Do Not See Your Tears As Weakness Or As A Sign Your Husband Has Won:  I will admit that when the tears would come at inopportune times, I used to think this made me so very weak and I would become so angry.  But I eventually came to realize that it made me human.  I am not a machine.  I am a living, breathing person who feels very deeply.  This doesn’t say anything negative about me or my ability to cope.

Sometimes, when I would cry I would become angry at both myself and at my husband because I would think my tears meant that he obviously had the upper hand.  I don’t think in those terms anymore because I’ve learned that if you want to save your marriage in a healthy way, you really can’t keep score.  Instead, I just tried to experience my emotions as they happened and then I tried to let the emotional wave propel me forward when it was over.

I know that all of this stinks. I wish I could tell you something to turn off your tears like a faucet but honestly, you must experience your emotions and you must give it time.  Once you begin to heal, you will experience the crying jags on a much less frequent basis.  I remember the days when I cried regularly.  And I look at my day to day life now, and all of that seems forever ago.   It will get better.  Take each hour as it comes and give yourself permission to feel.  Because denying your emotions will often delay your healing and your ability to fully process this.

No one enjoys crying.  But it can be a release if you allow it to be.  And if you can train yourself to let it go and then move on, then it loses its power over you.  I found this out the hard way, but as I said, that seems so long ago even though time-wise, it really wasn’t. If it helps, you can read my recovery story on on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: There is a real assumption that once a married man cheats, he has checked out of his marriage and is no longer connected to his wife. So, people often assume that a man who would cheat on his wife certainly doesn’t feel sincere and true love for that same wife.

Unsurprisingly, it is sometimes the other woman who makes these assumptions. To be fair, though, this is often the impression that the husband will give her. He may complain about his wife or his marriage or refuse to talk about either one. Whether it’s the husband who gives off this impression or it is the other woman who wants to believe it, both can have quite a shock when feelings for the wife surface.

In particular, the other woman might say something like, “I have worked with the man I’m dating for over seven years. When I first started my job, he talked about his wife and his family all of the time. However, for the past six months or so, he hasn’t talked about her much. And when he does, he complains. It was around this time that he and I began to become close. One thing lead to another and eventually, we were in a relationship. I thought that things were going pretty well. In fact, I started to fantasize that he would eventually end his marriage and we could be together. Well, a couple of weeks ago, he started to say that he could not see me anymore. I asked him why, but he would not get specific about it. I kept at him about this, though and eventually, he blurted out that he loves his wife and he just cannot do this to her. Since when does he love his wife? He has spent the past six months complaining about her and not going home right after work since he was with me. One of our mutual co-workers said that maybe the affair made him love his wife more. But this doesn’t make sense to me. How is this possible? Wouldn’t the affair make him love her less?” I’ll try to answer these questions in the following article.

First of all, I have to disclose that you’re probably not going to get an objective answer from me. Because I am a wife who has been on the other side of the fence. With that said, I do know that some husbands present a situation that is not reality. This is not the other woman’s fault – even if she willingly believes it because she wants to. Nonetheless, below I’ll tell you some reasons why he might seem to love his wife more after the affair begins.

He Realizes What He Has Put At Risk And Feels Terribly Guilty: It can be thrilling to fantasize about an affair. However, sometimes the reality is not as promising as the fantasy. Once you cross that line and you realize that you might be caught cheating, your spouse may be devastated, and you might end up separated or divorced. Suddenly, your hands feel clammy, your stomach feels sick, and none of this feels right. So yes, in those circumstances you will cling to the idea of your spouse with everything you have and you realize that you don’t want to lose her. So yes, this whole process can elicit both panicked and loving feelings. You might start to make deals with yourself that if you can just make it out of this with your marriage unscathed, you will do everything in your power to be the best spouse possible. Because you didn’t realize how much you love your spouse until you are faced with the possibility of losing her.

The Affair Didn’t Solve The Husband’s Problems, So What’s The Point?: Many husbands who are unhappy in their lives and therefore vulnerable to an affair will convince themselves that it is their marriage that has them in a funk. So, they have an affair. They think that this is going to make them feel better and turn things around for them. While it may give them a momentary thrill, this sort of life improvement very rarely happens since the husband changed nothing. So, yes, the husbands are let down and they realize that their wife wasn’t their problem after all. When this happens, the same process as described above happens. They simply want to keep what they had – their wife.

He Never Really Stopped Loving His Wife: I honestly believe that if you asked honest men about this, they would tell you that, in truth, they never stopped loving their wife. Yes, they may have convinced themselves or the other woman of this, but it was never true. In reality, they were simply struggling with aging, their jobs, their health, their vulnerability, their own complacency in their marriage, and a slew of other things that aren’t their wife’s fault. None of this changes their feelings for their wife. It may appear to others that they suddenly love their wife that much more, but the truth is, everything pretty much remained the same. It was only their actions that were different.

When Compared To The Other Woman, The Relationship With The Wife Feels (And Is) More Real: Once the novelty of the affair wears off, both people can actually look around and realize that they are pretty much strangers and their relationship is very superficial. On the contrary, the husband’s wife likely knows him better than anyone else. They share a life together, they’ve been invested in one another for years, and can likely finish one another’s sentences. When the shine of the affair wears thin, it just can’t compare to the depth of the marriage and so that is the relationship he wants to keep and his wife is the woman he’s going to pour his feelings into.

The other woman can take this personally, but honestly, it can go like this over and over again, regardless of who the other woman is or the state of the marriage. You can look up the statistics and see that the vast majority of marriages eventually carry on after the affair. And relationships that start as infidelity rarely make it as long-term relationships, no matter what happens with the marriage. It typically doesn’t matter what the circumstances of the affair were because he was just looking for a diversion. With that out of the way, he’s going to go back to what he’s known – his wife and his marriage as he’s still invested in both.

There’s more about my own story with infidelity at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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by: katie lersch: Many wives who are trying to save their marriages after a husband’s affair run into some issues along the way. Many are still shocked, furious, and struggling but are still trying very hard to place the focus on moving forward.

Although their husbands might claim that they too are committed, it can be extremely noticeable when he feels awkward and uncomfortable during the process.  As such,  attempts at reconnecting don’t always go so well.  A wife might explain: “I think that we’re both trying really hard, but it’s just not clicking.  I can tell that my husband is very tense and uncomfortable.  It’s not like I’m trying to make him feel guilty or bad or even that I’m bringing up the affair.  It’s just that the easy rapport that we used to have is gone.  He’s constantly shifting his weight and clearing his throat.  He rarely makes eye contact with me or holds my gaze.   His discomfort is almost worse for me than the infidelity.  Because we used to have such an easy, comfortable relationship filled with laughter.  And now it’s so awkward and forced.  Why does he feel so uncomfortable when I am trying to make this as easy on him as I can?  And is there anything that I can do to make it better more quickly?”  I’ll try to address these questions in the following article.

A Husband’s Being Uncomfortable After An Affair Is Normal, Even When Both People Really Want To Make It Work: The wife in this situation was really worried that her husband felt so awkward around her because his heart just wasn’t invested in the marriage anymore.  She worried that the husband was trying to “fake” his love and commitment to her and that’s why she was seeing him shift uncomfortably.  I could understand why she felt this way, but her perception wasn’t necessarily true.

Many times, a husband’s discomfort stems from guilt and things that remain unresolved.  He sometimes knows how difficult a situation that he has created for you and therefore, it’s very difficult for him to look you in the eyes and see the pain there that he created. And even when you’re reassuring him that you will survive and can recover, he can still have his doubts because he knows that he has made a huge mistake from which things might not ever be the same.

Does this mean that the comfort level will not return?  No, it doesn’t have to mean this.  It can mean that the process is going to take some time or that there are still issues that haven’t been addressed which are still causing some issues or awkwardness.  Sometimes, it’s best to try to have at least one candid but short conversation each day because when you are able to do this, the process does become a bit easier to navigate if only because you become used to it.

If Some Time Has Passed And You Still Notice The Discomfort, You May Want To Explore What Could Be Causing It: As I said, some discomfort is just part of this process.  But if weeks and months have gone by without any improvement whatsoever, you might want to explore if there are still some large and unresolved issues that are causing problems.  Sometimes, the husband is very concerned that there is still some information that you don’t yet know and he’s nervous about this coming out.  Other times, the husband’s behavior is mirroring your own, although you may not be aware of it.  And in some instances, the husband is still feeling guilty and this is weighing heavily on him.

The way to make all of these things better is to keep communicating, keep trying to move forward, and to keep being honest about how you feel and what you are most concerned about.  The truth is, that all issues that an affair brings can eventually be overcome with honesty and with work, but this often doesn’t just happen on its own.  You have to be very proactive and you have to address things as they surface.   Much of the time, the things that come up will bring about fear and negative feelings.  Sometimes it can be very tempting to just ignore some of the more unpleasant things and hope that they just go away. But in my experience and observation, this is often a mistake.

Usually ignoring the discomfort will only make it worse.  No one wants to bring it up so avoiding it actually becomes just one more thing that you have to worry about and so the negative feelings only multiply.  Of course, the wife in this situation wanted to feel that easy familiarity that had always defined her marriage.   And she wanted for this to happen immediately.   Although it would probably help to communicate and ask the husband if anything specific was bothering him, “getting things back to normal” after an affair will often take some time.

Once the husband was able to see the wife’s recovery and was able to show the wife that he was trustworthy, invested, and remorseful, his guilt level should start to improve and the wife would likely start to see his comfort level respond accordingly.  I want to mention one more thing.  The husband’s comfort is really not the wife’s responsibility.  She can’t make him feel something that he doesn’t and beyond offering some reassurances and continuing to move forward, the rest was up to him.

With that said, I felt that with continued progress and open communication, this was a situation that would continue to improve so that eventually it wasn’t the biggest issue that the couple faced. I was the cheated on, not the cheater, in my relationship.  But, my husband was the “guilty” and this negatively affected us for a very long time. Eventually, we came to know that healing and moving on is possible. Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband’s affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. You can read that personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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By: Katie Lersch: Many wives who feel absolute hatred for the woman with whom their husband cheated. The wives often think that most of their marital problems are all this woman’s fault.  And it can be hard to argue with this when the marriage was moving along just fine until she came along.  Many wives are not at all shy about expressing their anger toward her.  And many want their husbands to feel the same way.  But often, he’s just not willing to go there.

An example is: “I absolutely hate the woman my husband had an affair with.  She is a neighbor who targeted my husband from the start.  She lied to him about her own marital status.  She said not too flattering things about me and our marriage to try to entice my husband to cheat.  And once the affair was found out, she then tried to blame everything on my husband without taking any responsibility for her own actions.  She is a deplorable person. The other day, my husband and I were talking about the affair and I said ‘I absolutely hate her.  Don’t you?’  My husband responded that he didn’t hate her.  He said that he regretted the affair, but that he didn’t hate anyone and that there was plenty of blame to go around.  This makes me angry at my husband.  He knows I want him to feel negative about her, but he can’t seem to do it. Should I worry about this?  Does this mean he still has feelings for her or that he knows that the affair is all his fault?”  I will try to address these concerns in the following article.

His Not Being Able To Hate The Other Woman Doesn’t Necessarily Mean That He Still Wants To Be With Her: I know that this can be a very frustrating situation.  But sometimes, a man refuses to throw the other woman under the bus because he knows that he had an equal part in the affair.  As frustrating as this can be to you, it can say a lot about his character if he’s not willing to place all of the blame on her.  It shows that he is taking responsibility for his actions.

Sometimes too, not enough time has passed for the husband to see the relationship objectively or truthfully.  So he might be somewhat defensive when you make assumptions that he might, at least at first, see as untrue.  This doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s still emotionally invested in this other woman.   I’m not saying that this is impossible, but it’s not the only possibility.  To be quite honest, you are often better off turning his attention back to you and your marriage than to her and the affair, which leads me to my next point.

As Tempting As It Can Be To Try To Get Him To Blame The Other Woman, Turning His Attention Back To Her In Any Capacity Is Often A Mistake: I understand that you probably want to hear him say negative things about her because it gives you reassurances and peace of mind.  But, if you do not get the reaction that you want, it’s my opinion that you should drop that topic, at least for now.

Because every time you turn his attention back to the affair and the other woman, you are, in a sense, giving him permission to think about her.  If you truly want to save your marriage, there is no room for continuing to live in the past.  Instead, you want to focus on your future and on your recovery.  When you feel yourself turning his attention back to her or the affair, stop and instead ask yourself if your marriage is recovering as you had hoped and what you can do to ensure this.  Because honestly looking forward is going to yield much more success than looking back.

At the end of the day, he doesn’t need to hate the other woman.  He just needs to love you and be committed to your marriage.  And it is easier for him to do this when you leave her fully behind and focus your attention on him, yourself, your marriage, and your recovery.  His feelings about the other woman should no longer be on your radar once you are truly moving forward with intent and purpose.  I absolutely understand why you want to see him feel angry or resentful toward her.  And that might come with more time.  But right now, the worst thing that you can do is to continue to dwell on her.

I tried to start a lot of awkward conversations about the other woman at the beginning stages of our recovery.  But eventually, I realized that continuing to bring the focus back to her was not doing me any good. In fact, when I changed my focus to myself and my marriage, things changed quite drastically.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Some wives aren’t sure what course of action they want to take after they discover that their husband has had an affair. Often, they are so angry that they are almost paralyzed. Of course, it’s very common for your first inclination to be to kick him right out. It’s normal to be tempted to tell him to leave and to never come back.

But then, you take a breath and you start to think ahead a little. You start to wonder if you really want to never have this person in your life before you even ask the important questions or hear what he has to say. And sometimes, there are children to consider.

Common comments as it relates to this situation is something like: “I have never been so angry and out of control as after I picked up the phone and heard a woman tell me that she had been having an affair with my husband. If I could’ve gotten my hands on my husband at that time, I might have done him bodily harm. As it was, I merely told him to get out and go to a hotel. Of course, the next day, he started calling and begging me to listen to him. I am not sure that I even want to let him cross the plane of my front door ever again. At the same time, my kids are asking about their father. My mother said I should not take drastic action that I can not take back. She said that I should give myself time to think carefully so that I can make a sound decision. I can’t even stand the sight of him right now though. Should I just kick him out? Or should I wait?”

This wasn’t a decision that anyone could make except for the people involved. Family and friends mean well. They love you. But they are not the ones who are going to live your life. This is a decision that only you can make, and it is not one that should be taken lightly.

Understand The Gravity Of A Snap Decision: Kicking him out is a very drastic and potentially final decision. If you kick him out, there are going to be a lot of questions from family, friends, and others. Sure, it’s no one else’s business. But just know that if this is the course that you are going to take, there is a much larger chance that people will know about your business potentially before you are ready for this.

Of course, if there is no doubt in your mind that you will never want to have a relationship with him again, then I understand thinking that this is an option. However, since there are children, it is not as if you can banish him from your life. He is the father of your children and you will be interacting with him for a lifetime because of this. No, you may no longer have to interact with him as your spouse, but you’ll still have to deal with him for the sake of your kids.

See If There’s Another Option That Allows You To Have Some Distance Before You Take Drastic Action: I usually suggest thinking about some sort of compromise, especially at first. And by compromise, I don’t mean that you should or have to compromise with him. What I mean is that there might be some way that you can stop just short of kicking him out.

You may tell him that he needs to stay with friends or family for a week to give you some time to decide what you are going to do. He can even slant it as a vacation or an extended family visit if you want to keep this private for now. If that’s not possible, then he can stay with friends or a hotel in town to give you some space and to give you the opportunity to come to a decision.

Or, you could banish him to a spare bedroom for a while. There are ways to make sure he knows that you are off limits until you decide what you want to do or until you decide that he, and your marriage, can potentially be rehabilitated.

In short, there are several different options that might be a decent alternative to just abruptly kicking him out for good before you’ve had a chance to fully evaluate this when emotions are not running high. I can tell you from research and experience that quite often, your feelings and wishes can change quite dramatically from one day to the next. I often tell people to not make any promises or rash decisions. Give yourself the luxury of time. Make it clear to your husband that you are not going to make any decisions any time soon. Instead, you are going to wait and evaluate his willingness to prove that he’ll do whatever it takes to move toward rehabilitation.

This may or may not turn out to be enough for you. Perhaps you will ultimately decide that none of this matters and that you want him out of your house and out of your life. If that’s the case, then at least you will know that you made a measured decision that was thought out quite carefully.

I will admit that I made my husband stay away for a little while after I discovered his affair.  But I think it was clear that I never intended to banish him from my life, even if this was only because of the kids at first.  I was very clear on the fact that I was going to make very gradual and careful decisions.  I think that making snap and drastic decisions can backfire sometimes.  If you’d like to read more about my recovery, please check out my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  There’s no question about it.  Whether you see it on the cover of a tabloid or catch a report of it while flipping through television, there really is no escaping it:  There seems to be a wave of high-powered men caught cheating with their nanny, maid, personal assistant, babysitter, secretary, etc.  Whether we’re talking about celebrities, politicians, or just the dad down the street, there is a perception that this sort of infidelity is on the rise. Regardless of how common it is, when it happens to you, it can be very painful and very confusing.

Someone might explain, “honestly, I never thought that my husband would be one of these pathetic men who cheat with one of his employees or help staff, but that is exactly what I have caught him doing.  He has been cheating with an uneducated woman who works in his mail room.  I can’t believe this.  My husband is so picky about who he will associate with.  He is highly educated, highly paid, and very busy.  I will admit that the woman is pretty, but what could they have to talk about? My husband actually tried to explain with a straight face that they had much in common.  This is all very laughable, but also sad and pathetic.  My husband is telling me that he will end the relationship and will transfer her to another office if this is what I wish.  What I wish is for her to disappear and for me to never have to deal with her again.  But I’m not alone.  I have friends who have dealt with infidelity with the nanny, the maid, the flight attendant, the personal trainer, the kid’s teacher, and the list goes on and on.  Often, these husbands have highly educated and successful wives and yet, they prefer to choose a woman in a subservient role or with lower social status.  I don’t understand.  Why?”

Any theories that I share here are just that: theories.  Every marriage and every man are different.  That means that motivations are also going to be different.  But here are some themes that I have seen happening over and over again.  None of these themes justifies the cheating in any way whatsoever.

The Man’s High-Powered Lifestyle Causes Stress and Unhappiness, So He Seeks Relief From A Relationship With Someone “Different”:  Many high-powered men enjoy the status that their position offers, but they do not enjoy the stress.  They often live in a world where they have a high degree of accountability and pressure.  Many times, their wife is just as successful, just as educated, and just as busy.  As such, finding quality time can be a challenge.  So, these men seek solace or escape with women who they perceive do not have the responsibilities and the pressure that he and his wife endure.  The idea is that she (and the relationship) represents some kind of escape.  Men in this situation will often tell you that they are freer “to be themselves” or “to let their hair down” in this type of relationship.

If they are being honest, they will also admit that the women in the affair often almost idolizes them and expects much less of them than their wives.  This certainly isn’t fair because, of course, she’s going to think he’s great – she barely knows him.

Power Imbalances Can Be A Turn On For Some Men:  Take this for what it is worth because it is often said by men who attempt to justify their behavior, but many men report that their wives made them constantly feel judged and just not good enough.  So when a woman who they perceive as a bit lower status looks up to them as powerful and competent, then yes, this can feel like a relief.  They tell themselves that if they can’t feel powerful and competent with their wives, then at least they can find someone else who meets this need. Again, I’m not saying that I buy this. I am saying that this is the line that many husbands will give.

Some Men Transfer Their Feelings Toward A “Helpful” Or “Caring” Presence: I once had an interesting conversation with a therapist about this. We were talking about a man who’d been cheating with his child’s preschool teacher. Without giving any specific information about the people involved, she said that sometimes, men look at “caregiver” types favorably because they transfer feelings toward others who have cared for them. In short, this is a manifestation of a desire for someone to care for them – or to take care of the details – for them. I’ve heard people theorize that men fall for their secretaries and housekeepers because they simply want that service for free. But in truth, many of these men have absolutely no intention of leaving their wives, busting up their families, or getting any service for free. In fact, their plan is to not get caught and to keep right on with the marriage. Few men who have affairs have a long-term plan. Many do not intend to alter their lives, despite what they may claim to the other woman.

Nothing More Than Proximity: This is just my own observation. I honestly think that one of the largest contributing factors to an affair (that is often overlooked) is proximity. She’s simply there. That’s why you so often hear a wife lament that the other woman is fat, unintelligent, or not her husband’s type. All of these things could be true, but she was THERE. She was present when he was vulnerable or lacking in impulse control. Sometimes it really is as simple as that. That is why it can make sense to ensure that household help is not young, attractive, or available. It’s unfair that wives have to think in these terms, but in my opinion, it doesn’t hurt to be vigilant.

Where Does This Leave Strong, Powerful Wives?: I know that this article was likely a real downer if you are a faithful wife. I am a faithful wife and it was quite a downer for me to write it. But I figure that it is better to be truthful and to offer information that might actually be helpful. Many wives wonder if they suddenly need to downplay their strengths or attempt to look at their husband with the same blind, dumb, adoring eyes as the other woman did. Many wives worry that they’ll need to downplay their intelligence, their success, and their competence since all of this apparently feels intimidating to their husband. This is only my opinion, but my answer is most definitely not. I most certainly would not downplay myself to benefit my husband. However, from counseling, self-help, and just my own realizations after having gone through this, I can tell you that it can be helpful to build your husband up. It’s actually better for you if he has high self-esteem.   Try very hard not to belittle him, nag, debate, or act overly argumentative, even if, in your mind, your reasons are absolutely justified. All of these things allow men to eventually think that they need to cheat in order to feel competent or alive, especially as they age. A man who is certain that his wife respects, loves, and listens to him is less likely to cheat than the man who feels as if he married above his worth or that his wife doesn’t have time for him.

In no way am I blaming this on wives. What I am hopefully doing is trying to save wives the pain and the time of having to rebuild their marriages after an affair.  I myself know how painful a process this is.  Although I was able to restore my family and save my marriage, it was a painful process (especially at first) that is best avoided.  You can read more about that on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives whose husbands have cheated more than once. This is bad enough. But sometimes, he is cheating with the same woman multiple times. I recently heard from a wife who said in part: “I was more than devastated the first time I found out about my husband’s affair.  I knew the woman that he cheated with so this made it particularly hard.  But we hung in there and tried to do everything possible to save the marriage.   He insisted that the other woman meant nothing to him and I thought we had recovered.  Fast forward eight months later.  I found out that he picked right back up with the same woman and started seeing her again.  I told my husband he obviously must love this woman because he can’t seem to let her go.  He insists that he doesn’t and says that his feelings for her are ‘complicated’ but are not love.  He says love is what he feels for me.  I am beside myself.  How can he cheat with this woman twice (and probably still hasn’t let her go) and then claim not to love her?  Because as silly as this sounds, I could handle the cheating better if I believed he didn’t love her.  But how can I possibly believe this?”  I’ll explore this more in the following article.

Many wives share the opinion of this one.  Countless wives have admitted to me that their husband being in love with the other woman is their greatest fear.  Yes, the physical infidelity hurts, but the emotional infidelity is almost unbearable.  Is it possible for a husband to cheat multiple times with the same woman and not love her?  I believe it sometimes is and I’ll tell you why I feel that way.

Why It’s Sometimes Possible For A Man To Cheat With The Same Woman Multiple Times And Not Love Her: Before I begin sharing my opinion, I have to tell you that there’s no way for me to know how the husband in this scenario truly feels.  I don’t know this couple or the other woman involved.  He may well have emotional feelings and he might not.

With that said, I do sometimes communicate with men in this situation.  I have also done a lot of research on this topic.  It’s my belief that some men cheat because of the way that the other woman makes him feel rather than because of how he feels about her. He’s often reacting to whatever pay off that he is getting.  And this payoff can be her making him feel attractive, accomplished, powerful, or confident, etc.  In other words, if she can address for him the insecurities that he is grappling with and provide some relief, then often his “feelings” for her stem from the way that she makes him feel better about himself.  In fact, if you asked the same man what he found so attractive, irresistible, or appealing about the other woman, he usually will not list or name reasoning that has anything to do with her.  He often won’t tell you that she’s a nice or good person whom he admires.

The wife often assumes he will talk about her looks or other talents, but this isn’t always the case.  What you will usually hear instead is something of the effect that she listens to him.  She understands him.  She doesn’t pressure or question him.  In other words, he feels some relief of stress when he is with her. So he isn’t necessarily going back again and again because of any love for her as a person or partner.  He might be going back again and again out of love for himself.

Understanding The Most Important Issue At Hand: I completely understand that the fear that your husband might be in love with other woman is likely what is driving you right now.  But, in truth, what is most important is that you have not yet recovered to the point where he is not repeating the same behaviors.  Because if he was able to successfully address what lead him to her in the first place, he would not be nearly as likely to go back once again.

And sometimes, this is his own personal battle.  You can support him in it but you can not necessarily fix it for him.  You can strengthen your marriage and uncover any individual problems, but he also must be willing to act on any vulnerabilities that you have found. So where does that leave the wife in this situation?  Well, although I understood why she kept demanding answers about his love for this other woman, I didn’t think continuing to ask the question was really doing her any good.  Her husband was likely to keep right on denying any love and, quite frankly, in his own mind, he might believe that he was telling the truth.

The more important questions should be is he willing to completely distance himself from this woman, work on all issues that lead up to the infidelity, and commit himself to his wife and his marriage?  Because if he were able and willing to do this and the marriage actually not only survived but strengthened, then at the end of the day, this other woman would truly only be a footnote in this couple’s history.  But by continuing to bring her up and to demand answers about her, the wife was actually giving her more power and allowing her back in.

The better thing to do is to attempt to completely remove her from the equation and to make the marriage, and the recovery, about the husband and the wife and no one else.   I know it’s easy to become obsessed with the other woman, but do not fall into this trap.  The best thing that you can do is to close the door on her and move on.  I had to do this same thing in order to save my marriage and maintain my own sanity and self-esteem.  If it helps, you can read more about how I was able to do this on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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