Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch:  There’s no question about it.  Whether you see it on the cover of a tabloid or catch a report of it while flipping through television, there really is no escaping it:  There seems to be a wave of high-powered men caught cheating with their nanny, maid, personal assistant, babysitter, secretary, etc.  Whether we’re talking about celebrities, politicians, or just the dad down the street, there is a perception that this sort of infidelity is on the rise. Regardless of how common it is, when it happens to you, it can be very painful and very confusing.

Someone might explain, “honestly, I never thought that my husband would be one of these pathetic men who cheat with one of his employees or help staff, but that is exactly what I have caught him doing.  He has been cheating with an uneducated woman who works in his mail room.  I can’t believe this.  My husband is so picky about who he will associate with.  He is highly educated, highly paid, and very busy.  I will admit that the woman is pretty, but what could they have to talk about? My husband actually tried to explain with a straight face that they had much in common.  This is all very laughable, but also sad and pathetic.  My husband is telling me that he will end the relationship and will transfer her to another office if this is what I wish.  What I wish is for her to disappear and for me to never have to deal with her again.  But I’m not alone.  I have friends who have dealt with infidelity with the nanny, the maid, the flight attendant, the personal trainer, the kid’s teacher, and the list goes on and on.  Often, these husbands have highly educated and successful wives and yet, they prefer to choose a woman in a subservient role or with lower social status.  I don’t understand.  Why?”

Any theories that I share here are just that: theories.  Every marriage and every man are different.  That means that motivations are also going to be different.  But here are some themes that I have seen happening over and over again.  None of these themes justifies the cheating in any way whatsoever.

The Man’s High-Powered Lifestyle Causes Stress and Unhappiness, So He Seeks Relief From A Relationship With Someone “Different”:  Many high-powered men enjoy the status that their position offers, but they do not enjoy the stress.  They often live in a world where they have a high degree of accountability and pressure.  Many times, their wife is just as successful, just as educated, and just as busy.  As such, finding quality time can be a challenge.  So, these men seek solace or escape with women who they perceive do not have the responsibilities and the pressure that he and his wife endure.  The idea is that she (and the relationship) represents some kind of escape.  Men in this situation will often tell you that they are freer “to be themselves” or “to let their hair down” in this type of relationship.

If they are being honest, they will also admit that the women in the affair often almost idolizes them and expects much less of them than their wives.  This certainly isn’t fair because, of course, she’s going to think he’s great – she barely knows him.

Power Imbalances Can Be A Turn On For Some Men:  Take this for what it is worth because it is often said by men who attempt to justify their behavior, but many men report that their wives made them constantly feel judged and just not good enough.  So when a woman who they perceive as a bit lower status looks up to them as powerful and competent, then yes, this can feel like a relief.  They tell themselves that if they can’t feel powerful and competent with their wives, then at least they can find someone else who meets this need. Again, I’m not saying that I buy this. I am saying that this is the line that many husbands will give.

Some Men Transfer Their Feelings Toward A “Helpful” Or “Caring” Presence: I once had an interesting conversation with a therapist about this. We were talking about a man who’d been cheating with his child’s preschool teacher. Without giving any specific information about the people involved, she said that sometimes, men look at “caregiver” types favorably because they transfer feelings toward others who have cared for them. In short, this is a manifestation of a desire for someone to care for them – or to take care of the details – for them. I’ve heard people theorize that men fall for their secretaries and housekeepers because they simply want that service for free. But in truth, many of these men have absolutely no intention of leaving their wives, busting up their families, or getting any service for free. In fact, their plan is to not get caught and to keep right on with the marriage. Few men who have affairs have a long-term plan. Many do not intend to alter their lives, despite what they may claim to the other woman.

Nothing More Than Proximity: This is just my own observation. I honestly think that one of the largest contributing factors to an affair (that is often overlooked) is proximity. She’s simply there. That’s why you so often hear a wife lament that the other woman is fat, unintelligent, or not her husband’s type. All of these things could be true, but she was THERE. She was present when he was vulnerable or lacking in impulse control. Sometimes it really is as simple as that. That is why it can make sense to ensure that household help is not young, attractive, or available. It’s unfair that wives have to think in these terms, but in my opinion, it doesn’t hurt to be vigilant.

Where Does This Leave Strong, Powerful Wives?: I know that this article was likely a real downer if you are a faithful wife. I am a faithful wife and it was quite a downer for me to write it. But I figure that it is better to be truthful and to offer information that might actually be helpful. Many wives wonder if they suddenly need to downplay their strengths or attempt to look at their husband with the same blind, dumb, adoring eyes as the other woman did. Many wives worry that they’ll need to downplay their intelligence, their success, and their competence since all of this apparently feels intimidating to their husband. This is only my opinion, but my answer is most definitely not. I most certainly would not downplay myself to benefit my husband. However, from counseling, self-help, and just my own realizations after having gone through this, I can tell you that it can be helpful to build your husband up. It’s actually better for you if he has high self-esteem.   Try very hard not to belittle him, nag, debate, or act overly argumentative, even if, in your mind, your reasons are absolutely justified. All of these things allow men to eventually think that they need to cheat in order to feel competent or alive, especially as they age. A man who is certain that his wife respects, loves, and listens to him is less likely to cheat than the man who feels as if he married above his worth or that his wife doesn’t have time for him.

In no way am I blaming this on wives. What I am hopefully doing is trying to save wives the pain and the time of having to rebuild their marriages after an affair.  I myself know how painful a process this is.  Although I was able to restore my family and save my marriage, it was a painful process (especially at first) that is best avoided.  You can read more about that on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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