Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

I sometimes hear from people who have not actually cheated on their spouse. They have technically remained 100% faithful, but they had a close call and are very shaken by this. Worse than that, they have no idea what happened because they are happily married and would never want to cheat. Why then, they wonder, did they come so close?

Someone might say, “honestly, this is the sweetest time of my life. My husband and I are relatively new parents. He is at a great place in his career and recently got a promotion. I am so lucky that I get to stay home with my child and I greatly appreciate it. We have a good sex life and a good marriage. I am not lying or being defensive when I say that I’m very happy. However, I came very close to cheating on my husband and I am devastated by this. My husband was nice enough to take a whole day off of work so I could attend an event with old classmates. I honestly didn’t even really want to go. But one of my best friends guilted me about it, so I went. I admit that I did have a decent time. I also admit that I had a little too much to drink. A guy that I had a crush on in high school paid entirely too much attention to me and at the end of the night he asked me to go back with him to his hotel room. (He lives out of town. I don’t.) It was almost like I was in a trance. I began following him to his room. But once I got to his door, I snapped out of it, said I was sorry, and ran back to my girlfriends at the bar. I realized my mistake and honestly, we never even kissed. He rubbed my back over the course of the entire night and that was it. I am grateful that I didn’t cheat. But I am horrified that as I was walking down the hall to his room, my husband and child did not enter my mind. It wasn’t until I almost opened the door – and almost made the mistake – that I thought of them. What is wrong with me? I feel like an awful person. I see myself as someone who would never cheat on my spouse. And yet I almost did. I worry about the future of my family after this. I don’t trust myself because I don’t understand why I would do this. I really do adore my family.”

I completely believe you. Do you know that new parenthood is a very high risk period in terms of affairs? This is a time of individual and marital stress. This is true even when you seem to be coping well and even when you have a great marriage. Parents who stay home can also be a little more vulnerable because you can feel very isolated and even invisible. Any mother will tell you that sometimes you feel like you only exist to serve someone else and this can make you feel a little diminished no matter how much you love your child.  That’s why the attention of your former crush validated the fact that you are more than someone’s mother and wife and likely made you feel attractive outside of this role and outside of the people who already love you.

I don’t want to insinuate that there is absolutely no cause for concern. You certainly want to be aware of this vulnerability moving forward. But I also want for you to focus on the fact that you didn’t cheat. You stopped. You walked away. This isn’t true of the vast majority of people who reach out to me. So what does this tell you? Well, moving forward, you don’t want to be put yourself in these vulnerable positions. You don’t want to drink without your husband. You want to give yourself permission to get out a little more (with girlfriends) so that you don’t feel quite as isolated. And you want to give yourself permission to spend more couple time with your husband (even if that means getting a sitter.)

I know that it doesn’t feel like it right now, but you seriously dodged a bullet. Because you DID NOT cheat. Your marriage is still intact. And you have been shown your vulnerabilities while you can still do something about them. You can now strengthen your family before any damage is done.

People are often under the impression that only bad marriages are affected by infidelity or even temptation. This just is not true. A good amount of people who I hear from regret cheating and will insist that they NEVER stopped loving their spouse for one instant. They just made a mistake. Be very thankful that you did not make that mistake because recovering from it can be difficult. Instead of recovery, you can focus on avoidance, and that is much, much easier. Your goal is to avoid putting yourself in any position to cheat and to shore up your marriage as much as you possibly can.

Believe me when I say that it is much harder to recover once you have actually crossed the line to cheating.  The good news is that there are many things that you can do to strengthen and affair proof your marriage.  You can read about how I did that after my spouse’s affair at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By Katie Lersch: I often hear from spouses (very often wives) who worry that they are suffering from depression as they are trying to recover from their husband’s cheating, infidelity, or affair. And sometimes when they are talking about this, they almost admit to it as if it’s something to be ashamed of, as if they’ve done something wrong, or as if it is their fault.

I recently heard from a wife who said something like “I’m afraid I’ve fallen into a depression after my husband’s affair. I try not to let this get me down and I try to look on the bright side of things. I still have my children and I still have my health and extended family. One person’s mistaken actions should not be able to bring my life to a standstill in the way that it has. I shouldn’t allow him to derail me like this. I have many things to be grateful for. We’re trying to save our marriage and we’re making real progress. But, many of the joys of my life are now tainted. He took her to one of our favorite restaurants which I can no longer stand to step foot in. She goes to my gym. Her son plays on the same football league as mine. So I’m always reminded of what happened. I always have to look the past right in the face. It makes me not want to leave my house and I’m ashamed to be seen around town. I feel as if everyone knows although deep down I know that this isn’t entirely true. I’m probably being overly dramatic about it, but this is how it feels to me sometimes. It’s as if all of the joy has been sucked out of my life. And I’m not sure how to get it back. Sometimes. I’ll try to tell myself that it’s just mind over matter, but I just can’t seem to stop feeling so badly and then I get more and more frustrated with myself.” I try to help put this in perspective in the following article.

Although You Have A Very Valid Reason To Feel Down, Understand That None Of This Is Your Fault, So Your Frustration Should Not Be With Yourself: As I said, many spouses express their depressed outlook as if this is their own fault because they were not strong enough to overcome their own feelings. Strength really doesn’t have much to do with it, at least in my own opinion and experience.

Very strong and determined people are hurt every day by infidelity. It doesn’t say anything about your character, strength, or intentions if you are struggling right now. You are struggling because you cared and you loved. You can not fault yourself for that. And you can’t be expected to overcome something as devastating as infidelity or an affair over night. You will often need more than just will power, good intentions, or determination. Sometimes, you need more time and there are even sometimes where you might need additional help, but there is no shame in that.

Understand that if any blame exists, it should be for those who took action, not for those that didn’t. To me, the real tragedy in this situation is when the faithful spouse is not only depressed, but then blames themselves and is too ashamed or discouraged to seek help or to attempt to move forward.

Small Things That You Can Do To Begin To Feel Better And Less Depressed After Infidelity: I know that there some days when you may not even feel like getting out of bed. In fact, there many be several or even a string of such days. This is normal. It doesn’t mean that you are weak or not determined enough. But when you find this happening, it’s extremely important to try to counter it with something positive.

Sometimes, you literally have to force this on yourself. Whether this means going out with friends, spending time with your children, journaling, or watching some light hearted comedy on TV, it’s very important to break the cycle of feeling as if you have no control over how you feel. Although you can’t control the feelings or prevent them from coming, you do have a great deal of control over how you react to those feelings (even if it just means writing down your feelings as they come to you.) You can choose to give over to them or you can be very proactive and seek out the positive when you feel the pull of the negative. I can’t promise that it will always work perfectly. You may well still feel miserable, but at least you are reaching out and keeping yourself from being isolated.

I know that you can feel as if you want to be alone. But quite often, that is the worst thing that you can do. Reach out to a trusted friend or family member, even if you don’t want to talk about the affair. Sharing a movie or laugh with another human being can often provide a great deal of relief and perspective. Even a small reprieve from the depression can feel like a weight has been lifted off of your shoulder. Isolating yourself is a natural inclination, but it often just makes you feel worse in the end.

If there are people and places that bring about unbearable feelings for you, there is nothing wrong with avoiding them until things get better. There’s no need to make yourself feel worse than you already do simply for the sake of proving a point. You will know when you’re ready to move forward. Pushing yourself doesn’t often do much good, and it also makes you feel frustrated. You can ease back into difficult or questionable situations as you feel more ready to do but always put your own needs and emotional health first. You don’t need to prove a thing to anyone.

If none of the above offer any relief and you truly feel deeply depressed and hopeless, then please see a specialist about this. You do not deserve to feel this type of pain for the long term. You did not do anything wrong. And often the right therapist or specialist can help provide needed relief. There is truly no need to suffer when you don’t need to, especially when none of this is your fault.

When my husband had an affair, I had an inclination to isolate myself and be alone with my pain, but this was the worst thing that I could have done and this only increased my depression.  It wasn’t until I decided that I was not going to talk on the responsibility for someone else’s decision that this changed for me.  I eventually did get over the depressed feelings toward the affair, although it did take some time and help.  You are welcome to read my story if you think it might be of some help to you. Check it out if you like at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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By: Katie Lersch:  I sometimes hear from wives who have full knowledge of their husband’s affair and they do not understand why he is still living with them as a married man. Often, they fully expect for him to leave and they are extremely confused when he doesn’t.  I heard from a wife who said: “I know for a fact that my husband is having an affair.  I found out from his phone but I have also driven by the other woman’s house and have seen his car.  Once, I followed them and saw them kissing at stop lights.  So there is no doubt in my mind that he is cheating on me. But what I truly don’t understand is why he doesn’t just leave me.  He’s obviously totally infatuated with this other woman.  He goes out of his way to constantly spend time with her.  Why doesn’t he go live with her and leave me?”  I’ll try to answer this question in the following article.

Many people assume that men who cheat on their wives no longer love that same wife.  They often assume that he is no longer interested in the marriage or in living with her.  Believe it or not, this isn’t usually the case.  Regardless of what men promise to the other woman, many of them don’t have any intention of their wife every finding out.  More than that, they often don’t ever intend to leave their wife or end their marriage.  People often ask me how this is possible.  I’ll try to explain this in more detail below.

He May Be Trying To Work Out An Issue That Has Nothing To Do With You Or Your Marriage:  I know that the previous statement might sound crazy to you, but please hear me out.  When I dialog with men about this topic on my blog, it becomes very clear that most of them are not cheating because of a lack of love for or commitment to their wife.  Most of them are cheating as a means of escape.  Most of them are going through some sort of personal crisis.  Many go through this during mid life or after some sort of loss.  They are looking to improve their self esteem or to find their place.  They aren’t only thinking of the present time, not about the future or about what their actions might cause.  So, many of them aren’t thinking about leaving their wives.  They aren’t even thinking about next week.  They are just living in the moment and trying to address their identity crisis in order to feel momentarily better.

Should You Force Him To Get Out?:  Many wives are annoyed that he doesn’t just move out.  Some ask me if they should kick him out.  I felt that this question was a bit premature with this wife because she hadn’t even confronted him about having the affair.  It can be helpful to see his reaction and his level of remorse.  And sometimes, you need time to evaluate what you want to happen.  Some wives are very clear that they want nothing further to do with him.  And sometimes, because of an extensive shared history or because of children, some wives don’t want to make rushed or snap decisions.

It is quite possible that he has no intention of ending your marriage unless you force him to do so.  And, you probably aren’t going to know what his intentions are unless you confront him about the affair and ask him.   It’s not at all uncommon for a man to suddenly change his feelings about the other woman once his marriage is on the line.  Sometimes, once he realizes that he has placed his marriage in jeopardy, suddenly the fantasy is over and reality comes crashing down.  When this happens, then it is up to you how you want to respond.  It really depends on how you view him and the marriage and how likely you think rehabilitation is going to be.

So to answer the question posed, man often doesn’t leave his wife when he’s having an affair because he is only living for the moment.  Most men don’t have any intention of leaving their wives in the short or even in the long term.  Frankly, he is often so confused at this point that he has no idea what he wants.  But he isn’t likely to be making long term plans at a time when his life is in flux or when he is grappling with his own identity.  Many women feel that he’s not leaving because he wants a relationship with both women or because it’s too expensive or painful to get a divorce.  These aren’t the only possibilities.  Others are that he is still invested in his marriage or he’s confused and unsure about what he wants for the future to hold for him.

My husband didn’t leave me while he was having an affair.  I’m sure in his own mind, he thought I wouldn’t find out.  But of course, I did find out.  In the end, although we did spend some time apart, we didn’t separate or divorce.  My children and my family were just too important to me.  And he was willing to do what I needed for him to do in order to help me heal.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Blame after a husband’s affair is a very common topic on my surviving infidelity blog.  Sometimes, the faithful wife will blame the other woman more than she blames her husband.  (An example is something like: “We were happy, but that woman sees a happily married man as a challenge. She was determined to have him and she wouldn’t stop until she got him.  She didn’t care if my family was destroyed in the process.  I loathe her for what she did to us.”

With that said, there’s no shortage of wives who place a good deal of blame onto their husband’s.  It’s not unusual for me to hear comments like: “my husband should be so embarrassed by his idiotic behavior.  Here’s a middle aged man chasing after someone who isn’t his wife.  Doesn’t he see that none of it is real? I’m the one who has always stood by him but I guess that doesn’t matter to him. What a jerk.”

The other woman who is cheating with a married man will often blame the wife for not giving the husband what he needed to stay faithful. (An example is something like: “it wasn’t my intention to become involved with a married man.  I didn’t purse him and I tried to avoid it.  But, he was so unhappy in his marriage.  His wife didn’t appreciate him and we just just connected and formed a bond.  I didn’t mean to hurt anyone and I’m sorry if I did, but if she had appreciated what was right in front of her, he wouldn’t have sought me out.”

Who the cheating husband blames often more varied.  Sometimes, he will blame himself, especially if he has the time or personal insight to reflect on his actions.  It’s not unusual for me to hear comments like: “I was so stupid.  I had the most wonderful life and family and I jeopardized it over someone that I really didn’t know and still don’t.  I don’t know how I couldn’t been so dumb.”

Some husbands don’t have this insight though.  There are some who will place the blame on the women involved.  Cheating husbands will sometimes paint themselves as the innocent party.  An example is something like “the other woman literally threw herself at me on countless occasions.  I always stressed that I was married and not interested.    And then one night, I got drunk and gave in.  I will regret that for the rest of my life but I want my wife to understand that I did not pursue her.  She pursued me and I resisted for a very long time before anything happened.”

When a husband blames his wife for an affair, you’ll often hear things like: “I didn’t wake up that morning intending to have an affair.  Over time, it just happened.  Things weren’t all that great at home.  We hardly ever had sex anymore.   She never made the time to really listen to me and when I would approach her for sex, she would make me feel like it was a chore or that I was something to be scheduled or squeezed into her busy schedule.  I’m not trying to defend my cheating, but I want to make it clear that if our marriage had been better, I wouldn’t have had a need to go outside of it.”

What’s interesting is that all of the people in the above examples usually absolutely believe that they are speaking the truth at the time.  They don’t see their statements as ones that are meant to shift or assign the blame.  They just see their assertions as their truth. So, who is really to blame when a married man has an affair?  Here’s my take.

Which Person Is Most To Blame When A Married Man Has An Affair?: I have to admit that now that I’ve had years to reflect what lead up to my own husband’s affair, there was a varied amount of blame to go around in my situation.   But, even after all of my research and the help that I received, it’s still my opinion (and yours may of course be different) that the real blame belongs with the people who took the action to cheat or to have an affair.

Yes, the marriage may have been faltering or even toxic. Your needs may not have been met.  You may have been going through extremely difficult personal struggles. But none of this is justification for cheating.  There are plenty of people who have a multitude of problems who deal with them in ways other than cheating.  There is always a different path.  Counseling, reaching out to your spouse, working through your problems, a separation, or even a divorce are, in my view, options that are preferable to cheating.

As for the other woman, yes, I believe there’s some blame for her as well.  And, while she often doesn’t have accurate information available to her (as husbands will and do tell her things that just aren’t true) knowing that a man is married should be enough information.  Whether a man is happy or understood in his marriage or not, the very fact that he is married should be enough.

Finally, I do believe that there is always lessons to be learned for the faithful wife.  There is usually places where, in hindsight, you can see where your marriage was vulnerable and what you part you played in the same.  With that said though, I don’t believe that any of these vulnerabilities justify cheating.  But, I do believe that it’s important to take a long, hard look at them just the same and remove them so that they don’t continue to cause you issues and pain (and they can come into play in the future whether you save your marriage or not.)

So my own answer to the posed question is that I think there’s plenty of blame to go around when a married man cheats.  But, I think that, of the three people involved, the man himself is the most culpable because he himself intimately knows the circumstances in the marriage, he is the one who is married, and he chooses to act anyway. That’s not to say that the other woman is innocent.  She certainly is not.  But she isn’t as legally or morally bound the faithful wife in the way that the husband is.   And she is not the one who has to face the faithful wife and begin to heal the marriage. This is only my opinion that was formed through my own experience and through interactions on my blog.  Your experiences and opinions certainly might differ.

And, frankly, who is to blame doesn’t matter nearly as much as who is going to take responsibility for the healing.  The fact that a husband shares some of the blame doesn’t mean that he can never be rehabilitated or that he’ll never be a good and faithful husband in the future.  It can mean that he should be an active participant in healing as his actions set this whole thing into motion.

I know that deciding who is to blame for the affair might be very important to you right now.  But, in truth, the blame is often not as important as the healing.  And focusing on the blame for so long that you delay your healing can cause continued pain that could be avoided.  It took me way too long to realize this, but once I did, it made quite a lot of difference.  If it helps, you can read more of that story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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I sometimes hear from people who are extremely remorseful for cheating on their spouse.  They try very hard to express this sorrow to their spouse, but they are often met with resistance and silence.  It can be difficult to break through to a spouse who is so angry, so the cheating spouse often wonders if ANYTHING that he is saying is getting through or having an impact.

Someone might explain, “honestly, two months ago I think that if you had asked my wife who her favorite person in the world was, she would have said me. I know that my wife has always respected me and has thought that I am a good person. I feel the same way about her.  However, I made the huge mistake of cheating and she found out.  When she looks at me now, the expression on her face is completely different.  The respect and admiration is not there anymore.  I am afraid to ask her how she feels about me now. I worry that like she is going to tell me that I am the scum of the earth.  She has not left yet, but I feel like she could leave me at any time.  It crushes my soul to think that my spouse will never think that I am a good person.  I have talked to my brother about this and he said that if I am patient, she may one day respect me again.  Is this true?  Because if it were, I can wait as long as it takes. Or is she always going to think that I am a low-life?”

I can’t speak for your wife, but I can speak for myself.  I think that the answer to your questions depends in part upon your behaviors and actions moving forward.  I can also tell you that a faithful spouse’s perceptions can greatly change throughout this process. For example, after my husband cheated, I reacted in a way that sounds a little like your wife.  I thought that the man who I’d been married to for many years no longer existed.  I thought that I had misjudged the decent human being who I thought my husband to be.  Like your wife, I greatly respected my husband, but I have to tell you that this all came crashing down when he had an affair.  I thought that maybe I didn’t know him after all.  I thought that the man who I assumed had large amounts of integrity actually had none.  For a few months there, I thought that he was a huge liar and a cheat.  I worried that I would never be able to trust him again.  So yes, my view of him changed considerably.

Weeks went by.  Then things started to calm down slightly.  He asked me to go to counseling with him.  And he showed a great deal of patience and courage during some of those sessions.  He made a lot of promises, which I doubted.  But he came through with them all.  He hung in there even when I tried my best to push him away.  In other words, not only did he take responsibility for his actions, but he took responsibility for cleaning up the mess and he just waited patiently for me to respond.  He never pressured me.  He did get frustrated at times, but he assured me that he was frustrated with his actions, and not with my response to them.

Over time, I had to take my hat off to him because I am not sure if I would have hung in there if the roles were reversed.   He was endlessly patient. It was at this point that my respect returned.  Eventually, I realized that what I REALLY hated was the situation that he had created, but I did not hate him.  I hated what he did, but I didn’t harbor any hated toward him.  There is a HUGE difference between the two.  I think that you can loathe the affair without loathing the man who created the affair.

At the end of the day, I discovered that my husband was still the same person that he had always been.  He’d made a huge mistake, that he had owned up to.  But he was still the person who hung with me as my grandfather was dying, who paused his life to care for a sick child, and who worked two jobs while I attended school. One action does not negate these things, although I did not realize this at first. (There’s more about our recovery here: http://surviving-the-affair.com

The point that I am trying to make is this: Yes, your wife might be bitterly disappointed in you right now and she may wonder if she ever knew you at all.  But if you conduct yourself with integrity and patience, she may come to learn that you are the same person.  If you rise to the occasion and take responsibility for your actions, that does sometimes matter.  Standing with her, holding hands, and walking side-by-side during one of the most difficult curves that life might throw your way will often show a couple what they are made of.  And that will often bring back some of the respect and admiration. But of course, that has to be earned first.  So there is hope.  But you have to be willing to have the patience, to do the work, and to be deserving of her respect.

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I sometimes hear from wives who have recently learned of their husband’s affair.  Some find out about it well before their husband confesses, and all sorts of scenarios go through their head before they confront him.  Many assume that he will he horrified to be caught and will try to minimize the affair.  This isn’t always what happens, though. Some husbands will actually maximize the affair – meaning that they will try to build it up or to justify it in some way.  Some husbands will even claim to have deep, lasting, and meaningful feelings for the other woman.

A wife might describe it this way, “when I found out that my husband was cheating on me with the woman who teaches our son karate, I could not believe it.  Yes, she is younger and she is somewhat pretty.  But she is also uneducated and I can’t imagine what she and my husband have to talk about.  So my assumption was that this was all about sex.  However, any time that I allude to this assumption with my husband, he will get defensive and will tell me that their relationship is centered around ‘much more’ than sex.  He says that they will talk for hours and that they actually have a lot in common. He also stresses that this woman cares a lot about my son, which makes me sick.  Actually this whole thing makes me sick.  It’s as if my once-smart husband has suddenly turned very stupid.  Of course it’s about sex, isn’t it?”

You might not believe this, but, in a sense, I don’t believe that it’s all about sex, at least not entirely.  And I don’t take this lightly because I’ve dealt with infidelity too.  But let me explain.  It’s more about the fact that the husband perceives that the affair fills a perceived void.  Many wives will feel bad and assume that the void has something to do with them or with the marriage, but this is not always the case.  Often, it is a void within him.  It’s no coincidence that it’s common for men to cheat as they face the challenges of aging or loss.  Simply put, the affair makes them feel better about themselves or like a contender again.  It shakes them out of their funk and they come to believe that they feel “alive.”  This is all a trick, though.  Because once the affair ends, (as it almost always does,) then their life is actually worse off, so they not only have to pick up the pieces, but now they feel worse about themselves because they betrayed those closest to them.  I have spoken with men in this situation for my articles and many are quite embarrassed by their behavior (once the affair has been over for a while and they can see things more clearly.)  Of course, sometimes when they are right in the middle of it, they can’t see this.

When they are actively caught up in the affair, they will sometimes make it into this special, unique relationship.  They do this partly to justify their actions.  If they betrayed their family for someone who just wasn’t that great, well then, they are really stupid.  But if they betrayed their family for a once-in-a-lifetime relationship, well, that feels a little better.

The truth is, though, an affair doesn’t exist in the reality where most of us live.  And you can only shield it from reality for so long.  Yes, an affair can feel magical because it exists outside of real life.  No one is having to do the dishes or watch the kids or worry about their aging mother. So sure, it feels intense and special.  But that can only go on for so long.  Once one person has to eventually address real life, the spell is typically broken.  It suddenly becomes obvious that this relationship will eventually have the same issues as all relationships.  As a result, it becomes obvious that it’s just not worth it.

Look up statistics about the longevity of affairs if you doubt this.  The vast majority of them end very quickly and yet, many of those men were also convinced that they were in a special relationship that wasn’t just about sex.  But ask them again in a year, and you will often get a different perspective. The truth is, they don’t want to see that perhaps the other woman had ulterior motives or that they looked quite silly in their “special” relationship.  They wanted to believe that things were getting better for them.

If you can see it in that way, your husband suddenly looks pathetic rather than defensive.  I am not trying to be mean about it, but many wives find that it does help to think of their husband in this way.  Sometimes, you have to put aside what he is saying right now because he is reacting to both your anger and his struggles combined.  The man you see before you right now is often not the man you saw a year ago or will see next year.

I am not defending your husband or insinuating that his reasons for the affair need to make a difference.  Cheating is cheating no matter the cause.  And it might be a deal breaker regardless.  But I do want to stress that a man who insists that the affair is different is often just grabbing onto a defense mechanism.  If he talks truthfully about this in six months, you will often get a very different answer.

Of course, all that most of us wives care about is how this affects us and our day-to-day lives right now.   I know that it is frustrating, but usually your husband will change his stance and come back to reality if you just bide your time and focus on yourself for a while (assuming that you are still invested in your marriage.) You can read more about how I did a variation on this at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  It’s very normal for a wife to have a lot of questions about the other woman.  In fact, some of us get almost fixated on her, thinking that she has some miraculous and magical qualities that we don’t have.  People can tell us that any woman who would accept a relationship with a married man must have something wrong with her, but we can have our doubts about this.

A wife might explain: “the woman who my husband had an affair with is prettier than me.  I’m not trying to put myself down.  I am just being realistic. She also has a high paying job with my husband’s company.  When I found out about the affair, I expected for my husband to be full of apologies.  He wasn’t. He casually said that he would move out.  He says that he’s not going to move in with the other woman, but that certainly doesn’t mean that he is not going to see more of her now that he has his freedom.  I feel like the other woman has won everything that is important to me.  And now she sits with my husband, a good job and a seemingly charmed life.  My mother says that I am wrong about this.  She says that in the end, the other woman never really wins.  And then she told me something that shocked me.  She said that when she was a young woman, she was actually the other woman. And she says that it has always haunted her – not because the relationship didn’t work out.  But because she knows that she unleashed a lot of pain on an innocent person and this had made her ashamed and affected her whole life. She said that she never thinks about the other man anymore.  But she thinks about the wife and the family that she hurt all of the time. I understand that my mother is telling me the truth as she sees it.  But my mother is a very caring individual.  And there’s no guarantee that the other woman has as much integrity as my mom.   She may be sitting on her high horse and not caring about the pain that she has caused.  Could this be true?  Is my mom right?  Is it true that the other woman never really wins?”

Well, I honestly think that it is a matter of perspective.  I do sometimes hear from the “other woman.” Many of these women do express remorse – especially once the affair is over (and statistically, the chances are good that it will be eventually.)  And many of them have regret and sorrow.  Many of them say they wish that things had been different and that they had met the man before he was married.  Many of them do have the sense that this scenario can not possibly end well.

And frankly, she will always know how she met this man.  She will always know that he betrayed a woman that he was committed to in order to be with her. Therefore, she is always going to be worried that he will do the same to her one day.  And, if she is being honest, she may think less of herself and of the other man because of it.  She may wonder why, of all of the single men in the world, she has to choose the one who is already married.  She has to wonder why she couldn’t walk away when she knew that he was taken.  And this may weigh heavily on her.

I understand why you are concerned about this.  The mental image of her being all smug and superior while you are hurting this way can be more to bear.  But I can tell you that the mental picture that you have in your head isn’t always the truth.  She could just as easily be hurting also.

However, as much as I understand why you have serious concerns about what she is feeling and how she may ultimately end up, I truly do want to stress that your real concern should be with yourself.  As wives struggling with infidelity, we so often worry more about the other woman than about ourselves – and the result of this often is that we don’t recover as soon as we otherwise could have.

I know that it is a challenge, but I’d encourage you to try to turn your attention back to yourself every time you think of her.  Because in the grand scheme of things, how or what she is doing in five years from now won’t affect your life very much.  But how you are doing five years from now means everything.

My preferred strategy with this is to try to trust that the universe is just.  I do believe in karma and I do believe that we reap what we sow.  And if I believe in this, then I must trust that, in the end, she will get what is coming to her without my having to lift a finger or even think about it.  And when I trust in this, then this means that she is no longer my business.  And I don’t mean that in the literal sense.  She inserted herself in my life, which makes her hard to ignore.  But I have a choice. And I can chose to trust that universal laws will take care of what is just so that I don’t waste my energy on this – freeing me up to focus on myself.

I do understand why you need to believe that she will come to regret her actions.  But what is more important is your own actions and how they bring about your healing.  Because her not winning or feeling regret doesn’t really affect your bottom line.  What affects your bottom line is your moving forward.  You delay  your own healing when your concern is about her instead of about you.

I used to play little mind games with myself when it came to the other woman. Every time I thought about her, I’d try to do something nice for myself.  I might remind myself of my good attributes or even just go for a walk.  This way, I diverted my attention away from negative things and I was making progress, even if the steps were small.  You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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I sometimes hear from wives who are quite positive that their husband has cheated.  Both their intuition and their heart is telling them this.  And they want to proceed as though he has cheated so that they begin the process of picking up the pieces of their lives and of their marriage.  They moved past the initial stages of shock and want to deal with things in terms of the future.  However, they run into a problem when their husband won’t even acknowledge the affair so that healing can begin.  How can you solve the problem when he won’t even admit that there is one?

Someone might say, “I know that my husband had an affair.  I have seen texts and emails from a coworker. And although none of these communications comes right and says ‘we are having an affair,’ it seems pretty obvious.  The messages are very flirty and they talk about meeting, going out, etc.  It is very clear that my husband was meeting up with this woman on a regular basis.  It is also very clear that they were communicating multiple times per day.  My husband will admit that the relationship was not a good idea and he has agreed to end it.  He will and has apologized that he became too involved with this person.  But he will not admit that he cheated with her.  He says that they never crossed the line and he is not going to lie and say that he cheated when in fact he didn’t.  I have tried to insist to him that in my mind he cheated whether it was emotional or physical, but he says that there is distinction that I am missing.  He seems to expect me to move on, but I don’t feel that I can do that until he actually apologizes for cheating.  I don’t want to give up on him or my marriage.  I have kids to think about.  But I feel that he is not doing his part because I know that he is lying.  I have actually tried to call the other woman to get a confession out of her, but she just hangs up on me.  How do I get him to confess so that we can move on?  Or how can I move on without a confession?”

I completely understand your wanting a confession.  I am not sure how I could or would have proceeded if the affair had not been out in the open. It would have been very frustrating.  I know people who have been through this and some of them DID eventually get a confession.  Sometimes, when a spouse becomes more comfortable with the idea that you won’t leave or jump ship once he makes that confession, he is more likely to tell you the truth. Alternatively, sometimes when you begin to make progress on your marriage and you begin to get the intimacy back, then he is more confident that you can withstand or tolerate the truth.

In my experience and opinion, men who continue to deny and lie about the affair do so because they are afraid of losing their wives, their children, or their marriage.  If they didn’t care about any of these things then they absolutely would not have anything to lose by saying, “Yep. I had an affair.”  If he was not still invested in you, there would be absolutely no downside to hurting you with the news of an affair and risking the fall out to that.

No, the men who insist they didn’t cheat (even when they possibly did) are those who are afraid of the consequences when they tell the truth.  As I see it, you have a couple of options.  You could continue to do what you are doing – attempting to move ahead as you continue to tell him that a confession is going to be absolutely necessary.  The hope is that as you make progress, he will feel more comfortable with opening up as he becomes less concerned about the dire consequences.  Or, you could tell him that you want to seek counseling in order to move on.  As part of that counseling, your counselor is going to need details about the affair.  When your husband downplays physical intimacy and contact, the counselor is likely to press.  And often, the truth is going to come out.  You could also try good self help books that have questions about affair details.  Those details can emerge eventually with self help, but at least with a face-to-face counselor, the counselor could help you to process things right away after the truth comes out.

I know how frustrating this must be, but I do find that the truth has a way of emerging eventually.  It may not be in the timeline that we want, but it’s very hard to keep something like this under wraps forever.  Sometimes, he will willingness confess.  Other times, you (or your counselor) will have to keep working on him.  Occasionally, he will slip up.  But it’s rare for the truth to remain a secret for eternity.  My husband kept some details secret early on.  I knew most of what I needed to know, but not all of it.  As we moved forth with healing, additional details came out.  This was frustrating at the time, but looking back, I’m kind of grateful because it would have been overwhelming and painful to have every thing come out at once, not that any of this is easy.  You can read more about my experiences on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By Katie Lersch: I often have women tell me that they can’t help but notice some very troublesome personality changes in their husband after he cheated or had an affair.  Sometimes, the wife isn’t the only one who is noticing these changes.  Often, the children involved or other family members can’t help but notice as well.  Sometimes, even the husband’s boss or coworkers will mention noticing a difference.

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “my husband is so cold to our entire family and social circle after his affair.  I expected and hoped that he would be falling all over himself trying to make this right because that’s just the type of person that he has always been.  My husband has always coached my kid’s sports teams.  We’ve always been the house where the whole neighborhood hangs out.   I’m not bragging when I say that most people think very highly of my husband.  Before he had an affair, he was so loving, giving, fun loving, and  outgoing.  Now, he’s distant, stand offish, and cold.   He doesn’t even resemble the same person.

He no longer plays with the kids in the yard.  He no longer seems to be willing to lend a hand at work.  I can’t tell you how many people have approached me about the changes that they’ve noticed in him.  One of my children had an assembly at school that was a big deal to him.  My husband didn’t even show up.  My child was crushed.  I have no idea what to do about this.   Maybe I could eventually accept this if it was only affecting me but it’s not.  He’s being cold and uncaring to every one in his life.  How can I make him realize what he’s doing and get him to stop? It’s like he’s distancing himself from every one who was ever important to him.”

This situation was so unfortunate.   And it rises to an entirely different level when there are children involved.  I strongly suggested that the wife in this situation seek out some counseling for her family.  In the following article, I will discuss why you might see your husband acting very cold after he is caught in an affair and how you might consider handling it until you can get some professional guidance.

Sometimes A Husband Acts Cold After His Affair Because He’s Trying To Distance Himself From The Fall Out Of It Or Because He’s Become Used To Suppressing His Emotions: Sometimes, you will see a man sort of shut down when his whole world comes crumbling down around him.  ( Of course, in this situation there was no way to know what the husband’s feelings and motivations were without hearing from the man himself,) but I do hear from a good deal of men on my blog and I am able to get a bit of insight into their thinking and their motivations.

Many times, they sort of shut down after the affair comes out because of some combination of embarrassment, shame, indignance, and uncertainty.  Sometimes, the are quite sorry and ashamed and, as a result, they feel as if they don’t deserve their family or acquaintances so they will back off as the result.  Sometimes, they actually think that their family doesn’t want them or would be better off without them.

Other times, these husbands have some uncertainty about the future.  They aren’t sure about the future of their family so they begin to think that it might be better for every one if they just hung back for a while.  Sometimes, they aren’t sure how every one feels about them so they figure that it’s best that they don’t push.

Finally, sometimes these men distance themselves emotionally because they just aren’t sure where their heart is.  I have had men tell me that they weren’t sure if they were going to go back to their wives and their family so they felt it was best if they just held back while they were making up their mind.  They don’t want to deal with all of the questions or accusations so the emotional distance is one way to try to achieve a physical distance.

And here’s one more point that you may want to consider.  Often, by the time a man has an affair, he is having some emotional struggles.  Often, his attempts to deal with these emotions include his trying to push them down or deny that they exist (which is why he’ll often make poor choices like cheating rather than dealing with his problems and emotions.)   This denying or pushing down his feelings can almost become a habit. So in a sense, these men start off becoming cold to themselves and this eventually becomes a behavior that spreads until it affects people other than themselves.

Also, because this husband’s behavior was so odd and out of character for him, it wasn’t out of the question that he was having some mental health issues or challenges that could and should be addressed by a professional.

How To Handle A Husband’s Cold Attitude After His Affair: Hopefully, you now might have some insight as to why your husband may be acting this way.  Now let’s discuss what to do about it.  Needless to say, this wife was very tempted to call him on his behavior.  And, it was also very tempting for her to act in a forceful way that wasn’t typical of her just to get a reaction.  He had been so detached and hard to reach that she felt she may have to pull out all of the stops just to get him to hear her. As understandable as this was, I felt that it was the wrong call.  With the way that the husband had been acting, it was unlikely that calling him on his behavior was going to have a good result.

Instead, my most immediate concern was with the children.  I strongly felt that family counseling should be pursued as soon as was possible.  In the meantime though, I suggested that the wife set some ground work.  She might approach her husband and address that immediate concern.  She might consider a conversation like: “you missed our son’s assembly the other day and he was incredibly hurt and disappointed.  I don’t want for what is happening in our marriage to effect our children.  These are two separate things.  Our children did nothing wrong and they don’t deserve to lose their father’s involvement over this.  Can we discuss ways that you might get more involved with them?  They need and miss you and I don’t want our issues to negatively affect them.”

In this way, you are laying the groundwork for future progress and you are placing your focus on what is most important – the children.  You’re also letting your husband know that you have no intention of banishing him from the family because of his affair.  This may help him to let down his guard somewhat.  But this really is only a start.   And I hoped that the wife would follow up on this issue as needed.

My husband went through a phase where his personality changed somewhat after his affair.  Thankfully, he never acted cold toward out children.  But, as we made progress his warmth and regular personality began to show itself again.  If it helps, you can read more of that story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are beyond confused about their husband’s behavior after he cheated or having an affair. Many husbands insist that they want to make their marriage work. They say this with their words. And yet, sometimes their actions and their flip comments tell somewhat of a different story that can make many wives confused and frustrated. One example is when a husband will either let it slip or freely say that he doesn’t regret having an affair.

I heard from a wife who said: “for the past six weeks, my husband and I have tip toed very lightly around each other because he had an affair a couple of months ago. He admitted it to me and I think he did so because of his commitment to our family. His parents are divorced and they hate one another. I don’t think that he ever wants that for our kids. So I think that he is interested in making our marriage work because he doesn’t want a broken home for them. Things are touch and go between us. Some days I hate what he did and therefore I feel like I hate him. And other times, I remember that he’s the man I fell in love with and I want to try to make it work. And then, out of the blue the other day, we were talking about rebuilding our marriage after the affair and I said ‘I’ll bet if you knew then what you know now you never would’ve have had an affair.’ He paused and said ‘I don’t regret for one minute what I did. I had a connection with her and it was meaningful. I regret that it hurt you. I regret the betrayal. But I don’t regret meeting her. Because she had an impact on my life and I can’t regret that.’ I was stunned. How am I supposed to respond to that? It makes me think my marriage doesn’t even begin to stand a chance. I’ll try to address these concerns in the following article.

Understand That Husbands Have An Incentive To Not Want To Regret The Cheating Or Affair: It’s important that you understand that sometimes a man will try very hard to posture after an affair. They aren’t sure if they should show you how they truly feel because they don’t know if their true feelings are going to make you more angry or hurt you. And sometimes, they will become defensive if they think that you are going to come down on them too hard. So as a counter to this, men will often try to set the tone early on. Sometimes the “I don’t regret the affair” talk is a part of that. Other times, they are trying to make you believe that you couldn’t possibly understand their process in the hopes that you will stop asking questions. And other times, telling you that they don’t regret that relationship is almost their way of telling you that she’s off limits as a topic of conversation, which is one way that he’s attempting to set some boundaries to shield him from discomfort.

Of course, this may not be acceptable to you and how you react may dictate how things go from that point forward.  Here’s one more consideration. Sometimes, his saying he doesn’t regret the affair is as much a defense mechanism against himself as it is toward you. What I mean by this is that if he admits that he regrets his actions, then he has to admit how horribly he has messed up. He then has to face up to the full responsibility for the affair. Part of having an affair is a man’s ability to justify it somewhere deep inside. So he has to make the woman or the relationship something special so that it’s an exception to the rule that’s worth the risk. Many men later realize that they were wrong in this assumption, but it sometimes takes a while. And part of that process can be refusing to admit that they have any regrets.

How To React When Your Husband Insists That He Doesn’t Regret The Affair: This can be a tricky situation. It’s easy to blow up in this situation and tell him that if he feels that way, he can just leave or go right back to her. But then, that will give him further justification for his actions, and in truth, is this what you really want? Sometimes, you have to ask yourself where you are in the process and if his assertion is just posturing, a defense mechanism, or an attempt to set limits on rehabilitation. These things can be overcome and sometimes, a husband will back off on his own once he sees that he is completely wrong. So I would advise that, to the extent that you can, to remain calm. I know it’s a lot to ask but my preferred response would be something like: “well I’m very sorry that you feel that way. Because the affair has shaken our family to the core and has hurt someone that you were supposed to love more than anyone else. I most certainly regret that more than I can say. And I hope that one day, you will be able to see things more clearly so that you regret it too. What does this mean for you going forward? Does this change our plan to work things out? Or are you reevaluating?”

Most husbands will tell you that this changes nothing. They will tell you that their lack of regret doesn’t negate their commitment to you. And you will decide if this is enough for you – for now. I can tell you from experience that as your marriage improves and you grow closer again and begin to restore the trust and intimacy, he will often change his tune with this and, when he no longer feels the need to be defensive or to posture, he will likely come to realize that, now that it’s clear that he didn’t lose everything as the result, he actually regrets this betrayal very much.

My husband never said he didn’t regret the affair, but there were times when he made glib little comments that really infuriated me.  But once I realized that much of his comments were meant as defense mechanisms, I was able to effectively address them so that they stopped.  If it helps, you can read about our entire recovery process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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