Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

I sometimes hear from people who have not actually cheated on their spouse. They have technically remained 100% faithful, but they had a close call and are very shaken by this. Worse than that, they have no idea what happened because they are happily married and would never want to cheat. Why then, they wonder, did they come so close?

Someone might say, “honestly, this is the sweetest time of my life. My husband and I are relatively new parents. He is at a great place in his career and recently got a promotion. I am so lucky that I get to stay home with my child and I greatly appreciate it. We have a good sex life and a good marriage. I am not lying or being defensive when I say that I’m very happy. However, I came very close to cheating on my husband and I am devastated by this. My husband was nice enough to take a whole day off of work so I could attend an event with old classmates. I honestly didn’t even really want to go. But one of my best friends guilted me about it, so I went. I admit that I did have a decent time. I also admit that I had a little too much to drink. A guy that I had a crush on in high school paid entirely too much attention to me and at the end of the night he asked me to go back with him to his hotel room. (He lives out of town. I don’t.) It was almost like I was in a trance. I began following him to his room. But once I got to his door, I snapped out of it, said I was sorry, and ran back to my girlfriends at the bar. I realized my mistake and honestly, we never even kissed. He rubbed my back over the course of the entire night and that was it. I am grateful that I didn’t cheat. But I am horrified that as I was walking down the hall to his room, my husband and child did not enter my mind. It wasn’t until I almost opened the door – and almost made the mistake – that I thought of them. What is wrong with me? I feel like an awful person. I see myself as someone who would never cheat on my spouse. And yet I almost did. I worry about the future of my family after this. I don’t trust myself because I don’t understand why I would do this. I really do adore my family.”

I completely believe you. Do you know that new parenthood is a very high risk period in terms of affairs? This is a time of individual and marital stress. This is true even when you seem to be coping well and even when you have a great marriage. Parents who stay home can also be a little more vulnerable because you can feel very isolated and even invisible. Any mother will tell you that sometimes you feel like you only exist to serve someone else and this can make you feel a little diminished no matter how much you love your child.  That’s why the attention of your former crush validated the fact that you are more than someone’s mother and wife and likely made you feel attractive outside of this role and outside of the people who already love you.

I don’t want to insinuate that there is absolutely no cause for concern. You certainly want to be aware of this vulnerability moving forward. But I also want for you to focus on the fact that you didn’t cheat. You stopped. You walked away. This isn’t true of the vast majority of people who reach out to me. So what does this tell you? Well, moving forward, you don’t want to be put yourself in these vulnerable positions. You don’t want to drink without your husband. You want to give yourself permission to get out a little more (with girlfriends) so that you don’t feel quite as isolated. And you want to give yourself permission to spend more couple time with your husband (even if that means getting a sitter.)

I know that it doesn’t feel like it right now, but you seriously dodged a bullet. Because you DID NOT cheat. Your marriage is still intact. And you have been shown your vulnerabilities while you can still do something about them. You can now strengthen your family before any damage is done.

People are often under the impression that only bad marriages are affected by infidelity or even temptation. This just is not true. A good amount of people who I hear from regret cheating and will insist that they NEVER stopped loving their spouse for one instant. They just made a mistake. Be very thankful that you did not make that mistake because recovering from it can be difficult. Instead of recovery, you can focus on avoidance, and that is much, much easier. Your goal is to avoid putting yourself in any position to cheat and to shore up your marriage as much as you possibly can.

Believe me when I say that it is much harder to recover once you have actually crossed the line to cheating.  The good news is that there are many things that you can do to strengthen and affair proof your marriage.  You can read about how I did that after my spouse’s affair at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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