Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

I sometimes hear from married people (usually wives) who want to know if there is anyone out there who had a successful marriage after an affair.  By that, they mean a marriage that has returned or surpassed its former health and not a marriage that is just sort of stumbling along, with both people resentful and walking on eggshells.  They don’t mean a marriage where they continue to distrust their spouse.  They mean a successful marriage where both people are content and have really and truly moved on.

Someone might explain, “I’m really depressed. I’ve felt very discouraged after my husband’s affair.  My marriage feels like I am walking around in someone else’s life.  I used to respect and want to be around my husband.  Now, it’s so awkward between us that I sometimes take my time getting home.  Last night, I tried to research how many people have affair success.  But when I typed in those terms, there were a bunch of articles about the statistics of people who end up married when their relationship starts out as an affair.  That is something that I definitely do not want to think about.  I don’t care how many cheaters have success.  I care about how many married couples have success.  Where are the affair success stories for marriages?”

There are a good deal of marriages that actually make it after an affair.  In fact, the majority of couples who deal with an affair do not end up divorced, if you believe published statistics.  The number of couples who end up married because of an affair relationship are extremely small.  Again, according to statistics, most affairs last a matter of weeks and not months.  The affairs that last for years are rare.  There is a much better chance that the couple will remain married than that the affair will last or become a long term relationship.

That said, there is a difference between remaining married and remaining happily married.  And I would say that there are far too many couples who are just getting by.  But there are also plenty of couples with thriving, fulfilling, and intimate marriages.  You are probably not seeing as much about them on the internet because frankly, this is a pretty personal matter.  Not many people feel comfortable discussing the intimate and personal issues of their marriage when it comes to affair recovery.  They discuss this with their counselor and their counselor in turn doesn’t discuss their case with others.  So, while it’s true that you aren’t likely to see large amounts of affair success stories (for marriages) all over the internet, I promise you that they are there.  I have seen percentages as high as 80 percent.   It’s likely that some of these people are happy and others are not.

What makes the difference?  I’m not a counselor, so I can only speak for myself.  I consider my marriage happy again.  But it wasn’t always this way.  What helped us over the hump?  Stubbornness, for one. We are both determined people who don’t easily give up.  Because of our kids and our respect and love for one another, neither one of us wanted to call it a day, despite my anger.  There were times when I didn’t know if it would be possible to make it work.  But I did always want to save my marriage for my kids and for myself.  We got help because neither of us are marriage experts.  We were brutally honest and we spoke up when things just weren’t working or when there was something that needed to be said. We both made a commitment to give our marriage a certain amount of time before we made a decision to divorce.  I believe that this was very important because it meant that no one was going to flee when the going got tough.  We knew that we could have the hard conversations without worrying that someone was going to leave.  Above all, we were committed and serious.  We didn’t say things that we didn’t mean.  I doubted my husband initially when he promised that I could trust him again, but honestly he has never gone back on his word.  And I am straightforward with him.

We are at the time in our marriage where we are dealing with big family issues – aging family members who need special care and older children with potentially bigger problems that must be weighed.  When I am going through all of this, I am honestly so grateful that I stuck with it out with my husband.  I would not want to go through this with anyone but him.  He is such a calming, strong presence throughout all of this and we handle it together.   We take our stolen moments when we can get them and there are so precious to me now.  We still check in.  We know that the affair left our marriage vulnerable so we are careful to give it special care.  We don’t take it for granted.  We care for our family, but we also make time for us.  At the same time, we don’t dwell on the affair.  It is just something that was – like other rough patches in our marriage when we had job losses, illnesses, etc.  No one goes through their marriage without bumps in the road.  An affair can be a bump that you experience and then drive on.  Or it can be a bump that causes you to stop the car, veer off the road, or abandon the car altogether.  But if you want to be an affair success story, you can.  But you need the commitment, the patience, the determination, and the help.  It is possible, but it does take time. There’s more to my story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Wives can feel as if they have lost many things after their husband’s affair.  Often you feel as if you’ve lost a little bit of your self esteem, your confidence in your marriage and your husband, and your belief that you are perceptive enough to know what’s going on.  Another loss that many wives describe is predictability in their relationship.  Many describe a marriage that “is just different” than the one that existed before the affair.

I often hear comments on my “surviving the affair” blog like: “we used to have such an easy rapport and relationship but now things are so strained and awkward.”  Or “our marriage used to be filled with laughter and endless conversation but now you could hear a pin drop when we’re together.  The laughter has died and in it’s place is pain and silence.”  One more example is “we used to be very affectionate to one another.  We were always touching or holding hands.  Now, we rarely touch one another anymore.  It seems like we’re both afraid of doing the wrong thing or of facing rejection.   Our marriage right now after his affair is so foreign to me.  It’s so different than the one we had before.  Will things ever be the same again?  Because I want my old life back.  I don’t like this new one at all.”  I’ll try to address these concerns in the following article.

Your Marriage May Not Be Exactly The Same After An Affair.  But, If You Rebuild, Your Marriage Can Still Be Happy, Fulfilling And Sometimes, Even Better: In my experience in dealing with my own husband’s affair, it can be unrealistic to think that you can carry on as if nothing happened or that you can turn back time to reveal the exact same marriage as before.  Despite your best efforts of your intentions, you often can’t ignore what happened.  And, this knowledge will understandably make you a bit cautious and doubtful because you’ve been hurt before.

But many marriages use these doubts and fears as motivation to make positive changes rather than to give in to the negativity that has settled in.  Yes, it’s absolutely normal to be angry or even furious that the marriage you thought you knew (or were even happy in) was not exactly what you thought it to be.  But one mistake does not mean that your entire marriage was a farce.  It doesn’t mean that you and your husband never loved one another, didn’t have a good marriage, or weren’t happy.  It simply means that, for whatever reason, you were momentarily vulnerable and unfortunately, one of the spouses acted due to that vulnerability.

Often, the real key to getting your marriage to place where it feels “normal” or similar to what you’ve experienced before is to identify that vulnerability and then to remove it.  Because if you can do this, then you can usually also begin to remove some of those doubts.  The reason for this is that you’ll then know that the reason for the affair is removed so that you don’t have to constantly worry anymore.  And, not only can this be very freeing and such a relief, but often the work that you do to remove those vulnerabilities will actually improve your marriage.

Couples often find that they are forced to be truly honest, open, and forthcoming.  They are no longer reluctant to discuss any worrisome issues with or to reach out to their spouse because they now know the danger of doing so.  Also, often an affair will show both people just how close they have come to losing their marriage or their spouse.  This is often a wake up call that isn’t other wise possible.  By no means am I saying that an affair can be a positive thing.  But, I do believe that it can bring about positive changes for your marriage if you use it to motivate you rather than allowing it to weaken your marriage to the point of no return.

Identify What You Most Miss About Your Spouse Or Your Marriage And Be Very Proactive About Getting It Back: If you’re in a situation where you’re mourning what you have lost, you don’t have to just accept that the life that you knew is gone forever or that you will never get it back.  For example, the wife in the above scenario missed the easy rapport and the continuous physical affection that she and her husband shared. Being able to identify and then to focus on these things are the first steps toward getting them back.

But rather than merely mourning this loss, be very proactive about rebuilding these aspects of your relationship.  This is hard for many people because reaching out again to someone who has betrayed or disappointed you can make you feel very vulnerable and even a little foolish.  But, unless you want to continue to live in a marriage that is missing something, you will sometimes have to step outside of your comfort zone and take a chance.  I know that sometimes when you do this, you have the sinking feeling that you’re going to be hurt again.  But if you don’t take that chance, you will never know what your marriage could have been.

Countless couples are able to create an even stronger and more open marriage after an affair because they come to learn the vulnerabilities and lacking that were present.  Addressing your issues is sometimes uncomfortable but it is often worth it because it makes you not only stronger, but more aware of your spouse’s wants and needs and just how badly it feels when you face the threat of loosing them.

I sometimes hear women say that their husband’s affair was the best thing that ever happened to them or their marriage.  I wouldn’t take it that fair.  If I had the choice, I wish my husband’s affair had never happened to us. But, at the same time, I can look back at it now and see where the work we did really did improve our marriage and make it even better in some ways than it was before.  So while our marriage isn’t technically the same, it’s actually improved in some areas and we’re pretty darn happy. My answer to the posed question would be that, although it’s unlikely that your marriage will be exactly the same, you can return it to a happy and fulfilling place.

If you would’ve told me two years ago that I would have a happy marriage again today, I would have never believed you.  My marriage went through some very dark days and there were times when I thought we would never get through it, but we did and we’re actually better off in some ways for it.  If it helps, you can read more of  my story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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By: Katie Lersch: It can be daunting to attempt to save your marriage after an affair.  You may want to do it more than anything, but even the most optimistic and loyal people will have doubts.  Even when the affair is over, it’s very hard to restore the trust and to believe that your spouse is very willingly with you and will not cheat again.  This situation is true even when your spouse appears to be completely over the affair and the other person. But what happens if he’s not?  What happens if you can read his face and know that he’s somewhat unhappy because he misses her?  What happens if he is committed to saving your marriage, despite his remaining deep feelings for the other person?

You might hear about a situation like this one: “when I found out about my husband’s affair, I immediately told him that if he were to have any chance with me, he would need to agree to counseling.  He did.  He had no hesitation at all.  He said he would do whatever it takes.  And I admit that he has been trying, but neither of us is very happy.  I’m very hurt and distrusting and he just seems lost.  I have asked him to stay off the computer, and I can tell that this is very hard for him.  He often just has a sort of longing look on his face.  When he displays this look, I know that he is still thinking of her.  I read some of their correspondence and it was clear that he had intense feelings for her.  I think this is what hurts me the most.  The other day at counseling, I admitted to the counselor that I’m afraid that my husband still has strong feelings for the affair partner.  The counselor directly asked my husband if this was true.  My husband got flustered and swore that there had been no contact between them.  The counselor told him that this is not what she asked him.  She repeated her question as to whether he still had strong feelings for the other woman.  Finally, he sighed and said that you can’t just turn your feelings off and that yes, he guessed he still had feelings, but that he had no intention of acting on them.  I knew this deep in my heart, but it still devastated me. What am I supposed to do with this information? Just know that my husband is only with me to save his family, while he still harbors feelings for someone else?”

Why Perspective Doesn’t Always Come Immediately: I am so sorry that you are dealing with this and I know the pain that you are dealing with.  But I want to tell you something that might make you feel better.  I have interviewed a good number of men who have had affairs for my articles and just because of my own curiosity.  If you ask these men after the fact (when enough time has passed) whether they felt actual love for the other person, almost none of them will answer yes.  However, some of them will tell you that they THOUGHT that they loved the other person.  `It can take them a while to have the distance in order to get to the place where they can have the hindsight to understand that what they felt wasn’t actually love.  But once they do, many of them are very embarrassed at their “feelings.”  In truth, an affair is all about fantasy.  No one is worried about child care, household chores, or aging parents during the affair.  No one is doing laundry or dealing with fussy children.  But one thing is for certain – fantasy eventually turns into reality.  Statistics show that even the best relationships move from fantasy mode to reality mode after two years.  And THAT is when deep and meaningful love comes into play.  I’m talking about the infallible love that comes between two people who have faced life’s up and downs together.  An affair can’t and doesn’t have that.  In fact, for the most part, once reality begins to set in (and this usually happens much sooner than 2 years) that is when an affair will lose its luster.

Pondering How To Play It: Since your husband ended the affair, this cycle or process is not going to happen naturally because he decided to end it before that happened.  That might be one reason why he still THINKS that he has strong feelings.  I know that it is hurtful and frustrating, but I’m not sure that there is anything more effective than allowing time to work its magic.  If you try to tell him that he doesn’t or shouldn’t feel anything, he may become ashamed, defensive, or guilty – which are all negative emotions that might make him retreat even more.

I certainly think that it can’t hurt to be honest about how much this hurts you, but if you keep a matter-of-fact tone and take the emotion out of it, it will help to dull the emotions of his “feelings.” Don’t feed the fire.  Just tell yourself in your own mind that he doesn’t see reality yet and keep working with your counselor to make your own progress.  Everyone has their own path and pace, but as healing starts, many men begin to realize just how silly and delusional they have been.  It is at this point that many will admit to you that their feelings were all a mirage and they’ll try to apologize for putting you through this over a very embarrassing infatuation.  Unfortunately, though, you haven’t gotten to this place yet because not enough time or healing has happened for your husband to get the needed perspective.  I know that it’s very hard not to react to this, but there is probably enough negativity going on without adding more.  Sometimes, you just have to wait to get the validation that you deserve.  I know that it requires a leap of faith to know that one day he will see reality, but in my experience the overwhelming majority of men eventually do.  The question is just when.  Once they are away from their fantasy world and begin to gain some objectivity, the picture can become a little more clear to them.

And when the picture becomes clear, that is usually when you’ll begin to see them jump through hoops to apologize and rehabilitate themselves, as long as the situation hasn’t deteriorated due to anger or resentment.  This process is not an easy one, but marriages can and do get through it.  You can read more about how I did at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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I often hear from wives who do not understand the division between the man who is begging them not to not to leave him because of his affair and the man who risked literally everything in order to have that same affair. The wife often wracks her brain in order to figure out what his thought process might have been. Because he seems completely sincere in being desperate not to lose his family now. But what about before? Why was he willing to risk them in order to carry out the affair?

A wife might say, “honestly, my head is spinning. I truly do not understand. I have always told my husband that I would never, ever tolerate cheating. He seemed to understand this and emphatically said that he would never do that. I believed him. My husband is a man of high integrity. He doesn’t make a habit of lying and being deceitful. He has been a good husband. But he cheated on me with a coworker that I actually know. I am in a club with her and at times we would chat about our families. My husband had to know this. And still, he had an affair. He knew full well that if I found out, I would probably take our children and move. The other woman also has children and a husband. Worse than this, at my husband’s company, they are not supposed to date coworkers. So both of them were breaking the rules and there would probably be consequences for their careers if they were caught.  Plus, my husband was very careless as if he wanted to get caught. But when I do confront him about it, he freaks out. He chases me around the house sobbing and saying that he can not handle it if leave him and take the kids. When I tell him that he should have thought of this before, he says that this is the problem, that he wasn’t thinking. But the thing is, my husband is a thinker. He is not the type of person who doesn’t know what it is doing. He had to be aware of the risks. I am sick that he did this. Why would an otherwise reasonable person risk everything to have an affair? He actually claims that he didn’t even care all that much about her. He insists she means about next to nothing to him. If this is actually true, why would he risk all of this to cheat with her? I simply don’t understand.”

I truly do get what you are saying. I had the same questions. I asked these questions of my own husband and of men that I’ve interviewed for articles. Although each man, each affair, and each set of details are different, you tend to see the same themes come up over and over again. I will share those now in the hopes that something will be helpful.

They Minimize The Risk In Their Own Mind In Any Way That They Can: If you straight out ask an honest man why he risked everything for an affair, you might get a blank look. Why? Because when they think about it after the fact, the risk is staggering, but at the time, they didn’t internalize the risk. In fact, they did everything that they could to minimize it in their own mind. That’s why this is all so perplexing to wives. If most of our husbands sat down and thought about exactly what might happen if they were caught, most would NEVER go through with it. Because it’s just not worth that risk. But they DON’T sit down and really think about it. They tell themselves that it will be a one-time thing. Or that they can and will end it very quickly. They tell themselves that their marriage and the affair are two different parts of their lives and they can keep the two away from one another.

People who have had affairs describe it like juggling a bunch of balls in the air – constantly keeping both things going. Some even try to break off the affair, but the other person makes every attempt to keep it going. Many of them are in the process of ending things when they are caught. At that point, they’d started to acknowledge the risk that they were taking, and they began to try to untangle themselves from it. But of course by then it is too late and they are caught.

I can’t claim that there aren’t some husbands who are invested in the affair and who may want to continue on with it even when they are caught. But in my experience, this is not the case with many. Most of them will tell you that if they had sat down and thought it out, they never would have done it. Most claim that they would give anything to take it back because they don’t want to lose their family. Statistics bear this out, since more marriages survive an affair than not. In short, most men do their very best not to think about the risk.

 A Day -To-Day Perspective:  When I was trying to come to terms about this in my own life, I realized that, if we are all being honest, there are some mind games that we all play with risk, but on a much smaller scale. For example, I have a family history of skin cancer. When I drive carpool, I am in the car (and therefore in the sun) for a long period of time. I know that I should wear sunscreen and most of the time, I do. But if I get in a hurry and am rushing out the door, there will be times when I will think “stop what you are doing and put on sunscreen. You know you can’t leave your skin unprotected.” But because I am running late and I don’t want to be at the back of the line, I just go without it. This puts myself and my family at risk (if I were to get cancer.) I fully know this. And yet, I push those worries in the back of my mind and I carry on. I know that this isn’t an apples to apples comparison. Sunscreen and an affair are two very different things. But I wanted to point out that we all tend to minimize risks in our own minds. It’s just human nature. This doesn’t excuse your husband by a long shot. But I did want to show the process that goes into the mind games that we all play with ourselves.  On a larger scale, that is how people risk everything for an affair.   They simply push thoughts of risk to the very back of their minds – until they are caught or are trying to end it.

My husband was similar to yours.  He was desperate to save our family and I did not understand why he didn’t think about us when he cheated.  I now realize that he was desperately trying NOT to think about us because otherwise, he would and could not have done it.  We did recover, but it took a lot of effort from both of us.  You can read more at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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I sometimes hear from people who willingly ended their affair because deep down, they knew that this was the right thing to do. Many of them truly do want to save their marriages and to maintain their families. So, they are at peace with the decision to end things and they know that it was the correct path to take. But, they still struggle with feelings of loss and a sense of restlessness that they just can’t seem to shake. Many will tell you that this feeling is not about the other person in the affair. They often don’t miss the other person that much. But they DO miss the thrill of the affair. Many will describe losing this thrill as almost like going through withdrawal.

Someone might say, “I broke off my affair to save my family and I have absolutely no regrets. However, I find myself struggling. I do not want to say that I miss the other person because I really don’t. The relationship got to be a lot more trouble than it was worth. This is embarrassing to talk about, but what I really miss is the high that I got from getting away with something and with doing something on the sly. It brought a lot of excitement to my life that just wasn’t there otherwise. And now that it gone, life feels sort of ho hum. I do not regret ending things and I am content with my family. It’s just that I miss the high. I feel like I am going through withdrawal. How do I get over this?”

What you’re saying is not that uncommon. Many people dealing with this will try very hard to find a HEALTHY replacement for the excitement that you perceive is missing. I know someone who actually starting skydiving. I have heard of someone making weekly dates where they will allow themselves to be “picked up” by their spouse in a bar. I’ve actually had someone tell me that they found a replacement with volunteering or with traveling. No, that doesn’t feel risky, but it DOES feel good. And isn’t that what we are all looking for?

No matter what you choose to replace this feeling with, it’s important that you not give into the “withdrawal” and cheat again. Many spouses are not going to be willing to give a third chance. In other words, sometimes you get very lucky after an affair and you have a chance to save your family. But your spouse may not be so understanding the next time. Please do not leave yourself vulnerable to cheating again. Figure out what you need and find a HEALTHY way to provide it. Sometimes, this is finding a way to bring some healthy excitement into your life. Other times, it is just about feeling useful or worthy.

I’d like to give you one more thing to consider, if I may. Sometimes, people think that what they crave is excitement, but what they actually crave is a diversion. Sometimes, people cheat because there is something that is bothering them in their lives. But, they don’t want to face it. This thing could be aging, or a job, or a difficult family situation. There are many common issues that crop up in life that challenge us. But rather than facing this head on, we go looking for a diversion so that we can avoid having to face it. Often, an affair is nothing more than this type of diversion. I mention this because it’s helpful to ask yourself if you’re seeking diversion rather than excitement. If the high of the affair was a diversion, it’s very helpful to figure out what you were running from and then to address it. Because if you don’t, you’re going to be tempted to run from it again, which rarely gives you a good outcome.

I hope this article helps some. It’s not unusual to have feelings of withdrawal, but it’s vital to ask yourself why you’re feeling them and then to either address why you’ve been looking for a diversion or to find a healthy way to address the feeling that you seek. Many people have success with finding something that they can do with their spouse to get the feeling back. I’ve seen people take up scuba diving, motorcycle riding, and other thrill-seeking type hobbies. This gives them a mutual hobby with their spouse and helps to replace the feeling that might be missing.  Also keep in mind that it takes 30 days to break any habit, so give yourself some time.

My husband and I developed new habits and rituals after his affair that brought us closer together and helped to prevent repeat cheating.  You can read more at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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I recently heard from someone who was trying to figure out why their affair partner had “ghosted” them. The gist of the communication was something like this, “I have been seeing this married man for about three months.  I thought that things were going wonderfully. We texted and emailed constantly and were able to actually see one another regularly.  I honestly thought that I was falling in love with this man.  I thought that we would be together for a very long time.  Yes, I knew he was married, but it was obvious that he was not invested, as he had been spending so much time with me.  And then, this Monday after an active weekend between us (we texted but didn’t see each other) he completely ghosted me.   I would text and get no reply. I thought that maybe he was sick or got in an accident, since this is so unusual. I tried to check his social media and I am blocked on facebook and he made his instagram private but his wife’s instagram has a recent picture of them and he looks fine.  I’ve checked my texts to see if I might have offended him in any way and I can’t see anything.  We left things on a really positive note.   And yet, I’ve tried to reach out to him so many times and I am being ignored.  I am clearly blocked on social media.  All of my other contacts can text me just fine. Why would he do this?”

I have to make an admission to you.  As someone who isn’t actively dating, I had to look up what ghosting is.  It’s been a long time since I’ve been in the dating world, and no one used the term “ghosting” then.  I learned that most of the time, the term “ghosting” is used in casual dating where someone seems to just completely break off the relationship without having the courtesy of telling the other person about this.  I agree that this appears to be what is happening here.  It may feel differently to you because you did not see this relationship as casual or temporary.  It meant something to you and you assumed that it meant something to him too. I understand that this must be disappointing, but, if it helps, I can speculate as to why this might have happened.

I am not sure that you did anything wrong.  You’re probably right in your perception that the weekend went normally and that things ended well between you.  But sometimes, people decide very abruptly and without warning to end an affair.  I once had a man tell me that he was playing with his son and that when he looked into his son’s eyes, he realized that he was going to break off the affair that very day.  There was nothing that the affair partner could have done about this.  His mind was made up.  Other people get caught having the affair, and once their family is in jeopardy, they do not even hesitate for an instant.  They break off the affair at once.  Along these same lines, sometimes the faithful spouse will dictate that there be no contact with the other person.  Or the cheating spouse will decide on their own that nothing can be gained from continuing to be in contact with you.

Yes, it’s pretty low to not have the courtesy to tell you that the relationship is over, but he may have justified this by telling himself that an affair is not exactly a traditional relationship that goes by the rules of regular societal norms.  I know that you are probably tempted to try to get him to talk to you in order to say whatever he needs to say to your face. But honestly, that rarely turns out well.  Statistics tells us that he isn’t likely to change his mind (most people do not divorce due to an affair) and forcing contact is likely only to prolong the hurt.  Him breaking it off to your face is just going to mean that the message is verbal instead of implied, but I think that regardless, the message has been given loud and clear.

I don’t really blame you for being angry at this lack of respect, but what can be done about it now?  Wanting to save your family can be a very strong motivator to just walk away.  If he has children, you have to understand what he might risk or lose in order to continue with the relationship.  I know that it may not seem this way now, but often, women in your situation will eventually learn that they are better off finding a man who can be theirs and theirs alone.  Which would you rather have?: A man who can truly be yours?  Or a man who has to sneak around and then won’t even give you the courtesy of telling you when he’s done sneaking around because he wants to return to his family?  I know that there are multiple sides to every story, but it doesn’t seem like there is a side to this story that has a positive outcome.

I personally would just take his message loud and clear and I’d look for a healthier relationship moving forward.  I know that you invested your time and heart in this relationship, but he doesn’t appear to be available to give you what you want, so it’s likely best to find the person who is.

There’s more about my own experience at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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I often hear from wives who are understandably extremely upset to find out that their husband has been cheating. Unfortunately, many place at least some of the blame on themselves: Why didn’t they see it? Were they not a good wife? Is there something wrong with them that contributed to a seemingly good man cheating? Even worse, some of these wives have had previous failed relationships, so they are even more likely to blame themselves and to worry that they are going to now be in a never-ending cycle of hurtful and bad relationships.

One of them might say, “my mother would probably laugh at my situation if she were still alive. She told me not to marry my first husband. She told me that he wasn’t a good person, but I ignored her. Turns out, she was very much right about him. I ended up divorcing him within five years. However, I thought I’d hit the jackpot with my second husband. We met in a support group because we both had the same illness. My husband was so supportive of me. I thought that after the pain of my first marriage, I had finally found the one. We were really happy. Honestly, I thought that we were STILL very happy. We are both healthy now and I thought that life was good. But last weekend, I found out that he had cheated on me. It was not a long-term relationship. It was at the end of his treatment when he went out to celebrate. He admitted this to me himself and has begged me not to leave him. He swears that he has never cheated on anymore before. I feel like a fool. Here I thought I’d finally found a good man. I don’t know what to do. I loved this man and I enjoyed being married to him. But part of me thinks that something is wrong with me so that I can’t maintain a good and healthy relationship. And yet, when I look back at my current marriage to see where I might have gone wrong, I don’t see anything. I think that I’ve been a good wife and my husband agrees. So why am I possibly looking at two failed marriages? What in the world is wrong with me?”

I will admit that I am biased before I even attempt to answer this question. I have dealt with infidelity.  As a result, I’ve done tons of research on it and have also gone through a lot of self-work towards it. Frankly, I don’t believe that the faithful spouse has anything wrong with them – at least in terms of infidelity. I admit that in some affairs, there were marital issues. But this is not always the case. Some people cheat who are in very healthy and happy marriages. And even when there are admitted issues, there are so many other options besides cheating. For that reason, I believe the responsibility for cheating lies with the person who cheated. That is just my take on it. And I have learned that there is no upside whatsoever to blaming yourself. You have tried to look honestly at your marriage and can say that you were a decent spouse. I am not sure what else you could have done.

No matter what you see or don’t see when you try to look back, the reality is now. You can’t change the first marriage. You can only learn from it. But you are now in a position to decide what you want to do with your current marriage. However, you don’t need to decide today, tomorrow, or even next week. You can simply gather information, gauge how you feel, and watch/wait. You could also see a therapist or read some self-help to help you to determine what is truly in your best interests.

It may help to know that people cheat for many reasons that have nothing to do with their spouse or their marriage. They cheat when they are in stressful situations (like illness.) They cheat when they have low self-esteem. They cheat when they do not feel worthy of something. I am not in any way defending the cheating. All people who cheat make a choice. I am just trying to reassure you that a spouse’s cheating is not because of something you did. It comes back to THEM. Not YOU.

The cheating also doesn’t necessarily have to mean more failed marriages, if you do not want for it to. Of course, there are never any guarantees. Restoring a marriage after an affair is hard work. But in my experience, if you have two willing people, it can be done. This is a very individual choice. Some will decide that the marriage can’t or shouldn’t be saved. Some will feel that it is healthier for them to walk away. But others will feel that it is more beneficial to at least try to make it work as they are still invested in at least seeing if their marriage might be saved. Neither decision means that there is anything wrong with you. It just means that you are taking care of yourself and doing what is best for you. But one failed marriage and one infidelity doesn’t mean that you are flawed beyond repair since marriage is a two-way street that involves two people. And you are not the one who cheated.

If it helps, you’re welcome to read about my own experience, struggles, and observations at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from women who are just beginning to deal with the aftermath of a husband’s affair. They are often trying to formulate the most appropriate questions that are going to help them determine why their husband cheated, what is the state of their marriage today, and what are the chances that he will cheat again. But many women really don’t know which questions are most likely to get them the answers that they are really looking for.

I recently heard from a wife who said in part: “I found out two weeks ago that my husband had a five week affair. He claims that it is over. And since he is with me during all hours when he is not working, I tend to believe that he isn’t seeing her anymore. But what is less clear is why he did this, what this means for our marriage, and how he really feels about me. I am constantly worrying about how our marriage is going to recover to the point where I can trust him again. In order for me to answer all of these questions, I feel like I need free reign in asking him what I need to know. But when I try to ask him even basic questions, he seems to lose his patience. It’s become clear to me that I have to limit my questions to those things I really want and need to know. So which things are most important for me to ask, especially right now?”

I will try to address this in the following article. But keep in mind that every one is an individual. You may have some questions that feel very important to you to which you need immediate answers. Know that this is valid. It’s not for me to say what should be important to you. However, with that said, there are some questions that seem to be universally important. I will suggest them below.

Can You Pinpoint What Things May Have Lead To The Affair?: This question is very important because you will often find that when you are trying to recover from the affair, restoring the trust is a huge issue. You may well spend a lot of time and emotional energy worrying that he is going to cheat again and, as the result, you will have to go through this whole painful thing all over again.

That’s why it’s very important to understand (at least as best as you can) what may have contributed to his behavior. For example, if he felt like you didn’t care enough to really understand or pay attention to him, then you may hear alarm bells in the future if he exhibits behavior that indicates he’s feeling isolated or misunderstood. Or, if you come to believe that he cheated because he could not resist temptation (despite his love for you) then you’ll want to be extra careful to ensure that he’s not in this type of tempting situation in the future.

How Did You Carry Out Your Cheating?: Your husband may be very reluctant to answer this question. But what you are trying to get at here is what methods he used to deceive you. Did he have a secret email account? Did he have a dummy cell phone only for the other woman’s use? Did he have his fiends lie to you? Did he tell you he was engaging in a fake hobby like working out while he was seeing the other person? You need to know this because if he were to cheat again, this information would help to tell you that something is going on much earlier in the process. In short, you need to know what patterns and behaviors to look for. More than that, the absence of the same can give you confidence that he is being faithful in the future as you rebuild.

What Do You Want To Happen With Our Marriage? Are You Really Committed To Me? This question is important because it will tell you if your marriage is worth fighting for. Also, if he is fully committed to you and the marriage, he is going to be much more willing to do whatever he needs to do to be fully rehabilitated so that your marriage not only survives, it thrives. I believe that you can save your marriage when your husband has questions or doubts about your marriage, but it is much more difficult, although certainly not impossible.

What Are You Going To Do To Rehabilitate Our Marriage And Restore My Trust? I actually think that his is the most important question of all. The biggest problem that I see for many couples after the affair is that they are both waiting for the other person to take charge. And, when this doesn’t happen, they sort of flounder along and wonder why things aren’t getting better. Then they start to wonder if things aren’t getting better because their marriage is doomed, or the affair damaged it too much, or their spouse doesn’t care enough to take the initiative. That’s why I strongly suggest that you ask your spouse to outline his plan. If he doesn’t have one, it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you. But it doesn’t negate the fact that having a plan will make your recovery easier. So if he hasn’t defined a plan, ask him if you can work together to decide what you both need and want in order to move forward. As awkward as this conversation can be, it is so much better than floundering.

How Do You Feel About Me Today? How Do You Envision Yourself Feeling About Me In Six Months? The question that most wives will ask is “do you still love me after your affair?” Many husbands still do. But this really is a loaded question. Because when the husband says that yes, he loves her, the wife will immediately respond with something like: “well, if you love me so much, then why did you cheat on me?” It’s actually better to ask him how feels about you on this day. Because this day is what matters the most. Obviously, days in the recent past were not the best for either of you, so let’s focus on today. Let’s see how he feels right now. And, if he isn’t sure about that answer, then ask him what he might envision feeling six months from now. Because after an affair, the future can be more important than today. People rarely have the best of times in the aftermath of an affair. But that’s doesn’t mean that there aren’t better days ahead.

I have to admit that I bombarded my husband with questions after his affair. And he quickly lost patience. Eventually I learned how to ask the right questions at the right time and this made quite a difference in our ability to save our marriage. If it helps you can read that very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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I sometimes hear from women who have unfortunately been having an affair with a married man.  Many of them have attempted to entice him to leave his wife (or at least to give them some reassurances that there is a future ahead.)  The husband may be telling this other woman that he cares for her.  He may tell her that his marriage isn’t fulfilling.  And yet, he stays in that same marriage, seemingly unwilling to budge.  The other woman may struggle to understand this.

She might say, “I know that the man that I am seeing loves me.  I can see it in how he interacts with me and lights up when he sees me.   He constantly complains about his wife.  I have even seen them together before and he looked bored and miserable with her.  We’ve been at this for over a year.  One of my friends says that this is probably not the first time that he has cheated on his wife.  The other day, I got frustrated and told him that I wanted for us to be together all of the time.  I admit that I raised my voice at him and I regret this.  But I am starting to feel taken advantage of.  He told me that us being together wasn’t going to happen anytime soon because there are things that I don’t understand – like how important his family is to him.  Why would a man cheat on his wife if he wants to just stay married to her? If he is unwilling to change anything, why cheat?”

The Various Reasons That Men Cheat Without Any Long-Term Plan: These are very good questions, and I suspect that you are going to get different answers to these questions, depending upon who you ask.  I can certainly tell you my theory, but I am biased.  I see things from the perspective of a researcher, a writer, and a wife who has dealt with infidelity.   Men cheat for various reasons.  I’ve seen happily married men cheat because they can.  Or, because they feel bad or uneasy about themselves and their situations, they are looking for a way to relieve stress and to feel better.  Other people cheat because they have poor impulse control.  Some cheat as a form of risky behavior that gives them a bit of a high and makes them feel alive.  Still others cheat as a form of self-sabotage because they don’t feel worthy of their spouse or families.  In that way, they’re trying to address their low self-esteem or their struggles.  It’s no wonder that many men cheat in midlife or at a time where they have a large amount of stress or self-doubt.

The Unfair Reality Of This: Unfortunately, the reality above is almost never how the married men present things to the woman with whom they are cheating with.  They don’t tell her the whole and true story, which is unfair.  But if you look up statistics about affairs, you’ll see that many men honestly admit that they never intended to leave their wife or their marriage.  Most of them even claim to have happy marriages.  Of course, this ISN’T what they tell the other woman.  Instead, they tell her that their marriage is on its last legs.  They might even tell her that they are separating.  Why do they tell these lies?  Because they know that most women would balk at the idea of cheating with someone with whom there was no future and with a guy who was already in a happy relationship.  Who would want to waste their time and energy in this way?

I hate to put this so bluntly, but if you don’t believe me, look up statistics on infidelity and marriage.  You will see that most couples stay married even after the affair.  This happens because,  much of the time, both parties choose to stay because they still want their marriage.  Yes, there is hard work after the decision to stay.  And it can take real effort to get these marriages to a healthy place again.  But many of these marriages do not end because of the affair.

So my short answer to the question is that he stays with his wife because he never intended to leave her in the first place, despite what he may have claimed.  Or he may legitimately be unhappy, but he has enough love and commitment to her to try to work out whatever is wrong in the marriage.  He may want to have his cake and eat it too.  Many men lie to both their wives and to the other woman.  He will paint a picture of a celibate life at home where he’s miserable and lonely when in reality he is regularly having sex with his wife and willingly participating in a happy family life. He has frankly told you that nothing is going to change with your relationship anytime soon.  If this is not a red flag, I’m not sure what is.  I know that perhaps this is not what you wanted to hear since you appear to want a future with this man.  But don’t you deserve someone who will only be faithful to (and in a relationship with) you?  Don’t you deserve the loyalty that he’s not giving either you or his wife?

My husband has repeatedly claimed that he never intended to leave our family during his affair.  This is convenient, of course, but after extensive counseling and healing, I came to believe him.  If he hadn’t been committed to our family, he wouldn’t have hung in there after everything I put him through after his affair. The sad truth is, he just intended to have a quick, convenient fling that he hoped no one would learn about during a difficult time in his life.  The other woman wasn’t interested in anything lasting anyway, but my husband wasn’t looking to leave, and he’s not unusual in this.  Most men aren’t looking for an escape.  They are looking for a diversion and then they plan to return to their life. There’s more at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: katie lersch: I often hear from wives who live in constant fear that they will have to deal with another round of cheating or yet another affair.  Many times, their husband has repeatedly assured them that they have nothing to worry about and that he’ll never cheat again.  But of course, that’s a hard sell to someone who has already been betrayed once.

In the back of their minds many wives are thinking “yes, and I thought I didn’t have anything to worry about before and yet you cheated on me then.  What’s to stop you from doing it again?  How am I supposed to trust you when you’ve already betrayed me once and I never saw it coming?”

There’s no doubt that restoring the trust can certainly be a challenge.  But living in fear is really no way to live at all.  In the following article, I’ll offer some tips to help you if you’re having constant fear of him cheating again.

Do You Really Believe That He’s Sorry, That’s He’s Rehabilitated And That Your Marriage Can Recover?:  These really are the questions that you must answer.  Because if you can’t very confidently answer yes to these questions, then there’s still work to do because you still have doubts. And the doubts really are the root of all fear.

Now, I realize it’s very difficult (if not impossible not to have doubts.)  But if they are constant and if you don’t know how to respond to them, then they will take over everything else.

And if you have done the work with your husband that necessary for recovery and have strengthened both yourself and your marriage, then frankly, the doubts do not have nearly as much power over you anymore.

Yes, they still come.  But they are much easier to brush off and to quiet because you have laid a new foundation.  If you’ve not yet there, this doesn’t mean that you can’t get there.  It just may mean that you still need some time, need some more assistance, or you need more from him.

If you do not have what you need, sometimes you have to take responsibility for getting it.  Yes, recovery lies mostly on your husband’s shoulders  because he is the one who cheated.  However, he can’t always read your mind or know what you need.  Men aren’t as intuitive as we might like them to be.

And, to be fair, many men tell me that they will ask their wives what they can do to help her and she will rebuke him or tell him that she’s fine when very obviously she is not.

So, it can really help to take a very honest look at where you are in the recovery process and make sure that you have everything you need.  If you have your doubts about his rehabilitation or remorse, then by all means address this.  If you still don’t believe your marriage will survive, then act rather than allowing the doubts to win.

How Confident Are YOU In YOURSELF?:  Please don’t think I’m putting all of the responsibility on you because I’m not.  But, in addition to your beliefs about your husband and your marriage, your belief in yourself can truly make or break your recovery and your confidence after his affair.

I often ask women in this situation what they are so very afraid of that they are living in fear.  They will often say something like “I am desperately afraid that he’ll cheat again.”  To which I’ll often reply “but why?”

And they will hesitate.  Of course they don’t want to go through this again.  No one does.  But at the end of the day, you have to know that you will be just fine no matter what.  You have to have confidence in yourself that, should he betray you again despite your best efforts, you are strong enough to handle it.

I know this may not seem like a good or fair deal – but neither is living in fear.  Because when you are filled with fear and doubt, you can’t really live completely fully.

When you’re so fearful or obsessed about the next affair or the next bout of cheating, you can’t be fully invested in your marriage and your husband will know the difference.  In essence, you could well be bringing about exactly what you don’t want to happen – the failure of your marriage – all because of your fears.

I know that this is difficult, but you don’t deserve to live in fear.  Please do whatever you need to do to make a decision about rebuilding your marriage and yourself.  Because regaining your confidence in your marriage and your own abilities really can help to quiet those doubts.

I did live in fear for a while after my husband’s affair.  But then I decided I was really just sentencing myself to more pain – which I certainly didn’t deserve – so I choose to let that go.  Today, my marriage is stronger than it ever was.  My husband proved himself worthy and I no longer live in that fear.  If it helps, you can read about how I got past the affair on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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